Chapter 8 – A Morning of Epiphanies

Bella POV

After having a few hours of peaceful sleep in more than three months, I finally felt a little rested.

I looked at the time. 4am. I still had a couple of hours until I absolutely needed to leave my room. Renee and Phil were asleep in the guest room. It was the perfect time to think of everything that had happened in the past couple of weeks.

I got up from bed and sat down on the chair in front of my study desk.

I remembered everything with perfect clarity. Something really rare for someone like me who was good at suppressing unwanted memories.

As I remembered everything since the day I took my vow, everything started getting linked together. Multiple streams of thought started working together in my mind but, strangely, I was able to keep up with them. And I gasped at the epiphanies I was having.

One: I could see and hear better than before. I was much graceful that before. I was slightly paler. Water did not taste good to me. It was metallic in taste. And food tasted like cardboard. I could hear the heartbeats of people. I was much more sensitive to the different textures of objects. I did not feel as cold as I used to. But I could sense the difference in temperature much better. I had faster reflexes – I noticed it a few days ago. And I knew I was stronger. As if proving this very thing, my hand crushed the right handle of my chair as I reached a horrifying realisation when I thought of how I craved my own father's blood. I was becoming a vampire. And worse, I would be doomed to spend it without him. And worser, it was much much slower and longer than any other human's change. I knew a normal human's change was painful. But would mine be, taking as long as it was? And why it is taking such a long time?

Two: Victoria was after me. It was logical. He had killed her mate because of me. Of course, she was coming after me! And killing Charlie, was just the beginning of it. Hadn't he anticipated that Victoria would be after me? Mates were protective of each other. And one's death was enough to send push the other either towards death or revenge. Then, were Renee and Phil in danger too since they had come here?

Three: Jacob had mentioned werewolves. So werewolves actually existed. Did fairies and mermaids also exist then? Forks really wasn't the sleepy down tucked away into the corner of the US, after all. First vampires, then werewolves! Who would've thought? But Jake had also mentioned we. So there was more than one wolf? Did that mean those bear sightings were wolves in reality? And if Jake was a wolve, it meant Quileutes of his age were transforming. So many children were losing their ability to have a normal life and were thrown in front of danger. Danger from vampires. Victoria. All because of me.

As all these new thoughts continued to spin around my head, another thought hit me. Last night's dream of him.

Edward. For the first time since that day, I could think his name without the pain accompanying it. I had seen him suffering. He was sorry. He said he loved me. Then had he lied three months ago? Or was it just my subconscious, trying to ease my pain by showing me the dream? But what was the truth? He had said so many times that he had loved me. That he would stay with me forever. But I had seen the doubt in his eyes every time he said that. I had thought it was because he was second-guessing his decision to stay with me. But was it because he was worried about leaving me sometime? I still remembered his words, his face with clarity. Especially the last time I had seen him.

He took a deep breath and stared, unseeingly, at the ground for a long moment. His mouth twisted the tiniest bit. When he finally looked up, his eyes were different, harder – like the liquid gold has frozen solid.

"Bella, I don't want you to come with me." He spoke the words slowly and precisely, his cold eyes on my face, watching as I absorbed what he was really saying.

… His eyes were like topaz – hard and clear and very deep. I felt like I could see into them for miles and miles, yet nowhere in their bottomless depths could I see a contradiction to the word he'd spoken.

… "You're no good for me, Bella." He turned his earlier words around, and so I had no argument. How well I knew that I wasn't good enough for him.

… I wonder what saw on my face, because something flickered across his own face in response…

…his frozen eyes melted. The gold became liquid again, molten, burning down into mine with an intensity that was overwhelming.

"Don't do anything reckless or stupid," he ordered, no longer detached. "Do you understand what I'm saying?"

…"I promise that this will be last time you'll see me." … "It will be as if I'd never existed."

How could he think that it would be as if he'd never even existed? Even without physical proof (apart from my leg and wrist, of course), had he not seen how much I loved him?! Had he not felt it?! His absence had caused a huge hole in my chest, an unhealing hole, that I was trying to cover up and bury down inside me by making my exterior stronger. By creating a shell around me.

Now that I thought about it carefully, there were so many things which pointed to the other reason of his leave. His cold eyes – it could point to both lying and also to revealing his true feelings. The ways his golden eyes melted when he made me promise him to not do anything reckless or stupid.

But why would he leave if he loved me? And the answer hit me that very moment.

If he indeed loved me, he left because he loved me. Exactly the same way I had run away from Charlie all those months ago because of James. By lying so cruelly, that he would be compelled to not follow me. Had Edward lied so that I would let go of him? But why would he lie? To keep me safe from his world. I knew Jasper's almost near attack had made him furious. But had it pushed him enough to decide that I was better off without him?

I had so many questions. And every answer led to more questions. I needed answers. And only the Cullens could give that to me. Either them or Edward. And the chances of finding them were very slim.

They had left without a trace, pretending to go to LA. But I knew sunny LA would be the last place they would go.

I knew, if his words in the forest were true, if he rejected me again, I would not be able to survive it.

I looked at the time again. 5:45. How in the world had time passed by so fast?

I got up and showered quickly before either of them was conscious enough to leave their beds. I made breakfast for them quickly and had mine.

I dressed up in my work-out shirt and pants and, leaving a note, went out for a run to clear my mind.

A/N: Sorry for such a long wait. My exams finally ended today and I published this chapter the first chance I got. Half-yearly exams start again for me from September 7th. So it will be another 2 weeks wait then.

This chapter took a long time to write. And it contains a lot of information. The seed of doubt has already been planted in Bella's mind. But she won't get the answers she needs for a very long time.

Next chapter will be short and will be probably be published by Friday.

As always, reviews are welcome and appreciated. If you don't like something, please criticise (constructively). I take failure very badly (sorry for that but I have a really big need for perfection).

I hope you liked this chapter.

~Supernatural159 (I changed my username)