"Friendships between women, as any woman will tell you, are built of a thousand small kindnesses... swapped back and forth and over again." Michelle Obama
This is about Nadine being the friend that we all need and want.
"Blaaake?" Elizabeth shouted from inside the office. Even with the door closed, she knew Blake always had an ear out, used by now to hearing her shout his name.
"You know you can just call my desk by pressing one single button on that right?! What can I help you with?"
"Yeah, whatever. Is Nadine back from the Pentagon? - Can you call her in here please?"
"Are you ok? You look a little green."
"Yes, I'm-i'm ok. Please ask Nadine to come here."
"Ahem, I'm worried, please let me help. Are you sick? It is my job to take care of you."
"Blake" - she sighed exasperated - "I'm ok and I am not a child. So please just do what I asked you to do". She cringed internally for the way she spoke to him, but right now, she felt nauseous, her head has been a fog for hours and nothing was helping! She felt so overwhelmed, she didn't even have it in her to check her tone or even apologize to Blake.
"Right away Mam". God, she's mad!
"... and this afternoon you have a one-on-one with Senator Riley about the water initiative. Unfortunately the Senator keeps campaigning against us with his neighboring states."
"He is being difficult. Please pull up the binder on water renewable energy companies in his state. I want to be prepared with some counterpoints, to see if he bites before we have to pull the Secretary on this."
"Of course Mam"
A gentle knock on the door pulled Nadine and Maggie from their conversation. At first glance, Nadine registered that Blake looked serious and nervous, nothing very far from his normal state. She went back to her notes, trying to get as much on paper before he pulled her to another subject, for sure that was the intent of his presence in her office.
"Nadine? I'm sorry to interrupt but it's urgent." He addressed the two women in the room apologetically with a nod, always the gentleman.
"What's up Blake?" When he didn't answer she looked up, her pen stopping mid-sentence on the notebook. Blake looked between her and Maggie, a worried look in him. Right.
"Thank you Maggie, we'll continue this later" She gave the other woman a gentle smile , excusing her. Over the years she has trained Maggie well on this dance between confidential affairs and non-confidential affairs.
"Of course, binder coming right up" Knowing when to make an exit was as important as knowing how to make an exit, Nadine had told her that on her first week on the job. By now, Maggie was used to reading between the lines and taking her leave when necessary.
"So?" Nadine was curious where this was going, trying to run through her mind what had the potential to have transformed itself into an emergency since the team briefing this morning.
"The Secretary is asking for you." As he spoke he gestured for her to join him at the door, already half out the door, showing the urgency of the situation.
Nadine followed, "What is this about?"
"Well I actually don't know. She's annoyed and looks a little sick, to be honest. But she was ok this morning. However, she has been off for a few days now. I don't know. Something happened. She called me in and just asked for you without saying anything else."
Nadine quickened her pace hearing the worry in Blake's voice.
"Russell?"
"As far as I know, no. He hasn't called today. It seems to be a slow day so far."
"Maybe something with Dr McCord or the kids?"
"Well I don't know, but it didn't seem to be that"
Getting to Blake's desk Nadine stares at the office door, preparing mentally for what she could find on the other side. "Hold the calls and push back her meetings until lunchtime"
After knocking gently Nadine entered the office.
"Mam, you wanted to see me?"
She found Elizabeth sitting on her desk chair, knees up against her chest, crawled into a ball. It was actually impressive how she was balancing herself without falling from the chair. Her forehead was on her knees shielding her face from Nadine and her hands were holding onto the desk slowly swaying the chair, rocking it from side to side repeatedly.
It all seemed odd to Nadine, but what really alarmed her was the absence of a response to her question.
She closed the door and moved, going around the desk and standing close to the swaying body. "Elizabeth, what happened?" She felt the need to lower her voice as she lightly touched Elizabeth's shoulder. After Iran all 5 of them became well-versed in identifying one of her panic attacks, and Nadine was pretty sure this was not it.
Finally, Elizabeth looked up, her face a mix of pain and embarrassment. "I'm sorry I pulled you away from your work. I honestly don't know what to say. And I'm completely at a loss here". She put her feet on the floor with some restraint and stood up. To Nadine, her body seemed to complain about the move.
Nadine followed her eyes still accessing her - "You can count on me for anything Mam"
Elizabeth visibly winced at that. She straightened up her blouse and gestured for the couch.
In the weeks and months after they started working together, Elizabeth found herself admiring Nadine, not only her unwavering commitment in her role as Chief of Staff but also as a person, her strength, empathy, and wit jumped out to her. Since starting this job Elizabeth wanted and needed a friend in the State Department. By now she considered Nadine a friend. Yet, she couldn't help but feel a certain distance between them, brought by the boundaries of their professional relationship.
"Please call me Elizabeth" - ok, personal problem got it - Nadine made note of the detail. Over the course of many plane trips and all-nighters, a sort of code was born between them. Any time, Elizabeth outed those words or if Nadine called her by her first name they knew the subject was personal, and they were seeking their friendship in each other.
As Nadine sat gracefully, Elizabeth sunk into the sofa with a tug as if she was sitting to take a breath from a marathon.
Nadine gave her space, waiting for her to take the first step - to lay out the direction of the conversation.
"I think I'm entering menopause and I'm sooo full of it already!" She sighed irritated by the situation.
"Ah!" Nadine made the expression in cynical awe.
"I'm so tired and nauseous, the hot flashes?! Ugh! And-and my head is in a deep fog all the time. Nothing seems to help. I feel that I can't think straight. And I get so angry sometimes for the stupidest things!"
Nadine had an amused side smile on her face while she waited for her to finish.
"Yes it sucks. Especially in the beginning. That first year was horrible for me."
"Right?!" Elizabeth asked rhetorically, getting the admission she was looking for. "I'm sorry to bring this up to you" - She was feeling self-conscious talking about it. This job had a way of amplifying her sense of isolation. She longed for a genuine conversation with someone who understood the weight of her role and her responsibilities and had the empathy to accept her, all of her, not only Secretary of State / 4th in line to the Presidency Elizabeth.
"It's ok Elizabeth. It is a difficult change for women to go through, for some more than others." With time, Elizabeth discovered that she didn't need to forgo her professional persona entirely to be friends with Nadine. She felt at ease expressing her emotions and vulnerabilities with her.
"Yeah, it seems that I got the jackpot of all the symptoms" - Elizabeth gave her a half smile, her hands occupied with a button on her shirt.
Nadine took a moment to observe the Secretary. As she got to know Elizabeth better, Nadine couldn't help but notice subtle changes in her behavior when they were alone. Over time, Nadine deciphered these alterations as signs of Elizabeth's increased comfort around her. In those moments, Elizabeth would make less eye contact as if she didn't have to force it, occasionally slouched her shoulders, and her hands always found solace in keeping busy – drumming a pen, playing with the seam on her blouse, or fidgeting with a nearby pillow. The fidget fingers were usually a sign of something heavy on her mind. Nadine even noticed her unconsciously swaying back and forth at times, usually during a red-eye flight or during briefings into the night in hotel rooms.
"Well, some of the symptoms you mentioned I never had, but I guess everyone is different." Nadine bent her neck a little searching Elizabeth's eyes, her empathetic expression saying It's ok, I know something's up, but it's ok.
Elizabeth could see her face from the side of her attentive stare down at that damn button. If she kept playing with it soon she would have it in her hand, free from its rightful place on the shirt. "Yeah I guess so." She let out a defeated sigh.
Nadine felt her apprehension and wanted nothing more than to put her at ease. "Elizabeth I hope you know that you can trust me with anything. I cherish our friendship just as much as I value our professional relationship. So menopause or anything else, you can count on me."
This time Elizabeth looked at her, almost assessing the verity of her statement. "Thank you Nadine. Same here. Although trusting others is always easier said than done. At least for me" I was burned by friendships before
"The menopause will get better eventually. I noticed before that there's always two or three days that you are a little out of your game every month. I suppose that's something to do with your cycle?" Catching her nod, she continued - "Nothing too far from the ordinary I suppose. I honestly only catch it because we spend so much time together. I guess it is easier for us women to notice those things."
"Like Daisy and her chocolate cravings." Elizabeth chuckled. It was always around the same days every month.
Nadine smiled, feeling good about the levity she was able to bring to the conversation. "This will be the same thing for a while. But if it persists or gets worse you should really go see your doctor."
"Yeah, I already scheduled an appointment for later this month. My cycle was never easy. It always fights to take over my life for a few days once a month." Taking a long breath, Elizabeth kept her hands occupied with the button, the repeating action made her mind more focused on the conversation. Focusing on someone's face was always difficult when she was feeling overwhelmed. Facial expressions and emotions were difficult to ignore, maybe due to her CIA training. If her mind was overwhelmed it was worse. Her brain always chose to read people's faces instead of focusing on words or dialogue, leaving her feeling like she was unable to carry on a normal conversation. She worked for years to hide it, balancing her behavior to not look dismissive or uninterested. "The insomnia and mental fog are difficult to navigate. Over the years I learned how to minimize the strain it has on me mentally but I guess without medication my…my ADHD will still act out more during those days." Ok that's out there now
Nadine continued to look at Elizabeth with an open expression. She took a beat before speaking again, weighing her next words. "Yeah, I guess that would be expected." By now, she knew that Elizabeth was like a wild animal when it came to showing true vulnerability. She didn't want to spook her.
"Yeah, I guess so" God Elizabeth! Why can't you just shut your mouth.
They remained in silence for a while, both lost in their own thoughts. Nadine was trying to decide on what to say next without making Elizabeth withdraw into her shell again. Meanwhile, Elizabeth was absorbed in her self-doubt, consumed by her internal struggles.Eventually, after what seemed like a minute - or was it maybe ten - Elizabeth decided to take control of the conversation again. "You can ask questions, if... if you want to," she hesitated, offering Nadine an opportunity to open up.
Nadine looked at her, half surprised that Elizabeth was willing to keep talking about it. "That's okay," she replied, trying to convey a sense of understanding. She leaned back against the cushions, conveying a more at-ease demeanor. After a beat, she continued "You might want to consider getting some icy gel packets for the hot flashes; they work wonders. We can store them in the kitchen's freezer. Also, I know you're not a fan of tea, but some chamomile might help with the nausea."
Her relaxed demeanor and openness sored Elizabeth's heart and it almost brought tears to her eyes. The raw emotion caused by such simple empathy made her push her knees back up against her chest, her body seeking some comfort. "I was diagnosed when Ally was assessed in middle school" - She shared almost in a whisper, her eyes focused on Nadine again. "I never knew before, god knows no one talked about this kind of stuff when we were in school, and I was always a straight A's kind of student so…" she sighed looking around the room, remembering her teenage years, most of those years were a fog to her, branded by the trauma endured. "The mental hyperactivity is very common in women with the diagnosis as well as the inattentive symptoms. That can translate into perfectionist traits that ultimately help hide the disorder. I always thought those things were normal, I guess. I don't know, my teenage years are blur to be honest."
Nadine maintained a sympathetic expression as she listened to Elizabeth's words, noticing the defeated look on her face.
Elizabeth continued, sharing her struggles, "Maintaining consistent levels of attention is a challenge for me, especially when it comes to boring topics or tasks that involve multiple steps, like assembling furniture."
Nadine couldn't help but snort, a smile appearing in her eyes. This caught Elizabeth's attention, and seeing Nadine's smile caused one to bloom on her own face.
"It's no joke, Nadine. IKEA is a problem!" Elizabeth exclaimed, both of them sharing a genuine laugh.
Nadine playfully responded, "I'm sure the Swedish won't hold it against you!"
"God, I hope not." Elizabeth replied, still chuckling, as they enjoyed the light-hearted moment together.
The welcomed silence enveloped them again as they processed the unfolding conversation. After a few minutes, Nadine was the one to break the silence.
"The 'remind me in an hour' thing you do with Blake, does that have anything to do with this?" Nadine's curiosity was piqued, suspecting that Blake's concern went beyond his usual overachiever tendencies.
Elizabeth nodded, acknowledging Nadine's observation. "Yes, Blake knows. He has the impossible task of reminding me to tend to my basic needs, especially when the hyperfocus hits me too hard. And well, hydration, and protein are crucial for the brain's functioning. Well, at least for this brain," she added playfully, pointing to her head.
Noticing Nadine's puzzled expression, Elizabeth elaborated, "The…the hyperfocus is a consequence of deregulation of attention. It's like my brain only has two modes: uninterested or completely absorbed in something. Given the high-stress nature of our work here, the hyperfocus tends to occur more frequently. This comes with a price of course. The hypervigilance triggered in my body pushes the snooze button on basic needs like eating or sleep. The higher levels of adrenaline are good, they keep me going but the crash is exhausting." She watched the reflective expression Nadine had on her, the wheels turning in her mind trying to make sense of what she was sharing.
"I get it. I read an article a while back, in Times I think, about the correlation between ADHD and the primal hunter's behavior."
Nadine's understanding brought a sense of validation to Elizabeth. "Exactly," she agreed. "Under normal circumstances, I wouldn't rely on someone to remind me to eat or to take care of me per se but considering the demanding nature of our work and the fast-paced rhythm we maintain, I don't have the luxury of letting my poor self-care get in the way of me doing my job."
"Elizabeth, you don't have to be perfect all the time. Nor do you have to instantly find a solution for every problem or crisis that arises." Nadine tried to reassure Elizabeth, her voice filled with empathy. "Sometimes it's okay to take a step back and give your team the opportunity to put in some solutions too" Nadine finished in a light tone, knowing the humor would land well with Elizabeth.
She took a moment to absorb Nadine's words, feeling a weight lifted off her shoulders. She thanked her with a grateful smile, "Thank you, Nadine. Your support means a lot to me."
Nadine nodded, her own smile conveying reassurance, a smirk already revealing her next quip "And hey not everything is bad, a woman's libido is also expected to rise during menopause." She finished with a laugh as she saw the surprised blush on Elizabeth's face.
"Still waiting on that one!" Elizabeth barked back laughing.
As their laughter died down, Elizabeth felt a renewed sense of gratitude for their friendship.
Nadine lightly touched her forearm, compelling her hands to finally stop their assault on the button of her blouse. "Thank you for trusting me. I know it is not easy, but you can count on me. Always."
"No, thank you Nadine" Elizabeth said, her voice hinged with emotion, as she put her on top of the one on her forearm. "I'm truly grateful to have you as a friend."
Nadine smiled and turned her chin up, feeling a sense of accomplishment. Knowing this conversation marked a new chapter for them, "We do make a great team!" She winked playfully at Elizabeth.
Getting up from the couch, smoothing down her skirt, she took a final look at Elizabeth, assessing if she was ok to move on from the moment. "I'll ask Blake to bring you that chamomile tea now.
"Thank you, Nadine." Elizabeth's thanks came in a sweet whisper, her vulnerability taking one last second to sip away for now.