*in a clearing in the woods*
Jasper: So, are they going to show up?
Alice: I don't know, I can't see them.
Edward: Shouldn't that mean they are coming?
Alice: No, as in I can't see a future where they come here tonight.
Edward: Silly Alice, I already know how your powers work.
Alice: That's not what I…
Bella: You do know he's not going to get it, right?
Alice: I know, it's just…
Edward: Shh…they're here.
Bella: Why would we need to be quiet for this?
Edward: Because Sam is very angry right now.
Bella: Because he has to work with vampires?
Edward: Sure, let's go with that.
Bella: What do you…
Edward: Also there's four new wolves.
Bella: There's WHAT?! *the wolves emerge into the clearing, and Sam immediately changes into a human and approaches the Cullens*
Sam: Okay, what the actual FUCK has been going on?
Carlisle: Why hello Sam, we're so glad you could…
Sam: ZIP IT! *turns to Bella* You. Explain. Everything. Now.
Bella: How much has Jacob told you?
Sam: How much do you think?
Bella: …god fucking damn it. JACOB!
Jacob: *transforming back into a human* Now, in my defence, I thought the news would make Sam angry.
Sam: YOU KNOW WHAT MAKES ME ANGRIER?! Not knowing what the fuck is going on.
Bella: Okay, I'll summarise: that red-haired bitch Victoria has been creating a newborn vampire army in Seattle to overwhelm the Cullens so she can kill me, as revenge for Edward killing her partner, James.
Sam: Well that doesn't sound so…
Bella: The problem is that newborn vampires are faster, stronger, and more unpredictable than vampires who've been around more than a year, and we're not sure if she's going to kill her army once she gets what she wants, or just leave them to their own devices, which will probably mean everyone in the immediate area is screwed.
Sam: …oh…oh that's bad.
Bella: Fortunately, Jasper has experience dealing with newborns, so he's going to teach the group how to fight them.
Sam: Jacob, seriously? Why didn't you tell me any of this?
Jacob: Like I said, I knew you'd be upset.
Rosalie: Isn't anyone going to comment about the fact that they're just standing there naked right now?
Emmett: Oh, so it is meant to be awkward? I just assumed we were all cool with it.
Esme: Hey, I'm not complaining about the view.
Sam: You do know I need to know about these sorts of things, right?
Jacob: See, I told you you'd be upset.
Sam: *sigh* Yes, I'm pissed. I'd rather not work with the vampires if I didn't have to. But they're honestly the lesser of two evils in this case, so I'm going to be an adult about this and put my prejudice aside for the greater good.
Carlisle: Good to see you're on our side.
Sam: Don't push your luck. Anyway, who's teaching us how to fight these things?
Jasper: That would be me.
Sam: Alright, what do we need to know? A couple of these new kids have only just hit puberty, so I want to be sure they don't get hurt.
Jasper: Right, well. Newborns basically only have one thought on their mind: feeding. As such, they will attack you as directly as possible. Since they're stronger, a head-on attack is not a good idea, so I'd recommend any attacks come from the side.
Sam: Not particularly honourable, is it?
Jasper: Neither's building an army of twenty vampires to kill a single human girl simply because your mate was killed trying to kill her.
Bella: To be clear to all of you: if you have a shot at killing her, do it, and feel free to be disrespectful about it.
Jasper: To give you an idea of what a head-on attack from a newborn will look like… *turns to Emmett* Hey Emmett, you're a pussy.
Emmett: WHAT?! I'll fucking kill you *charges at Jasper, who quickly dodged to the side and tripped Emmett up*
Jasper: And that's when you go for the kill.
Jacob: Okay *shifts back to wolf form*
Sam: I don't think he meant it literally.
Jacob: *shifting back* Then why would he say it?
Jasper: I'm trying to teach you how to kill newborns.
Jacob: I already know how to kill newborns: attack them head-on and make sure they know you're about to kill them. They'll never expect it.
Sam: That's the opposite of what he said.
Bella: Possibly not wrong though. I mean, they probably won't expect someone to be that stupid.
Sam: I hate that that makes sense.
Carlisle: So, how do we hide Bella?
Sam: We could keep her at La Push with Collin and Brady?
Bella: Yes, keep me in the place where I've been a lot. That'll confuse them.
Sam: Well, what do you suggest?
Bella: You've got a whole mountain range to hide me in…
Alice: A mountain range that they're coming across.
Jacob: What if I carried her to a hiding spot?
Rosalie: I mean, you stink enough to hide the smell.
Bella: You guys really hate each other's smell, don't you?
Rosalie: I was talking about you.
Carlisle: So we're in agreement: right before the newborns get here, we leave Bella's scent all over this clearing, distracting them, then we kill them all?
Bella: You know you could just try and convince them that Victoria's manipulating them, right?
Emmett: Nah, this is more fun.
Edward: Yeah, and we can have Bella camping out in a random spot in the mountains with one of the wolves so that we know if something goes wrong.
Jacob: I vote Seth.
Bella: Seth? As in Seth Clearwater? He's a wolf now?
Sam: You think that's surprising, you should hear what happened to his sister.
Bella: Leah? What happened to…
Sam: Anyway, we've gotta go *turns back into a wolf and leaves*
Bella: Let me guess, I don't get a say in any of this?
Alice: Do you want to stay alive?
Bella: *sigh* I suppose.