27. Escape
I feel a hand on my shoulder and Peeta's breath warm against my ear as he says "Do you want to get out of here? Talk?" I glance onto the floor, but Ilaynia has disappeared. My next thought escapes my lips. "Go where?" I ask glancing around the room. All that surrounds us is the giant ballroom. Where is there to go? Peeta's answer is to grab up my hands, pulling me close to him and spinning me, so that I am facing the direction he was just looking up into. "The balcony terrace."
The balcony is identical to the one that President Paylor occupies on the other side of the stadium, but is roped off, with plush red curtains tightly sealed, and a locked door to keep we visitors in and any intruders out. Curtains that of course mean nothing to two Hunger Games survivors. After cautiously whipping open the curtains as Peeta watched that no one saw us, I encountered the large wooden door and shook my head disappointedly.
"Ugh. It's like they can't help but to keep us captive." I huff angrily but Peeta just smiles, holding his fingers to his lips in a hushing motion, and I cry out in mischievous pleasure when he slides the small pocket knife from beneath his tie.
"Just in case." He says with a short nod and leans down picking the latch to the door in a quick fluid motion. As I hear the sound of the lock releasing he glances up at me with a sure smile and I want to kiss him. "Easy." He says with a cocky smile opening the door and pushing it out onto the terrace.
"I never knew you could pick locks." I say. "
Well, there's a lot of time for learning new things when you have all the time in the world on your hands." We walk out until we are both staring up into the stars overhead. The sight of them renders us both speechless.
The moon seems within reach as we stand on the grey cobbled ground looking up into the night sky. It is the first time I can remember seeing the moon in ages, though I'm not sure why, because it is always so big and bright in District 12.
Peeta turns around with his back against the railing and his arms balancing against the rail and looks at me with a smile, "So, Ms. Everdeen, how are you enjoying the first annual Freedom Ball?" says Peeta in a tone that mocks the Capitol accents perfectly.
I smile easily and nod answering honestly "It's amazing. Everyone is different. They just seem so…so…"
I can't find the word and Peeta pulls it out easily saying with a nod "Free?"
I smile, "Yeah. Free." I like just saying it, but it's even better knowing that it's really true.
"Appropriate name then, huh?" Peeta says with another smile. I look at him, noting that he seems the happiest I've seen him in months. His face is even light like it used to be before…everything. He seems so like himself. He is himself, I think, and then remembering what he's said I answer his statement. "Very. Everyone's free now." I glance up at the moon, leaning on my arms over the railing "Anyone can do anything they want." I say.
"What do you want?" Peeta asks and I think, For you to kiss me, but out loud I say
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, what do you want to do? Like, with your life." He asks. I hadn't thought of this. I have no idea.
So, I answer honestly "I'm not sure." I think of the woods and hunting for people in the square, then I say "I just know that I want to help people."
Peeta is silent and for a moment we are just standing in the silence until I glance over and see that he is staring at me, wistfully.
"What?" I ask.
He smiles shaking his head "Nothing. Just…thinking." He says.
"Of what?" I say.
"Of how amazing you are." He says. I don't know what to say and so we are silent as Peeta turns around so that he is leaning over the railing too, his right arm lightly touching mine.
"What do you think that one is called?" Peeta asks, pointing up at some formation in the sky. I vaguely recall learning about it in class,
"That's the lion one, I think." I say.
"Right, and that one is the big…scooper?" Peeta asks and I laugh gently
"The big dipper." I say.
"Oh, well I was close." He says with a laugh that matches mine, "I wonder who named them…?" He says and I look over seeing that look of wonder in his eyes. It's familiar, the way Peeta would always look when we were seeing new things while touring the districts. His thirst for learning new things, I add that to the list of the reasons why I like him and answer his question
"I'm not sure. But I guess someone just like us. Just looking up at the sky and trying to think of something to call them." I say and he nods absently
"I guess people had a lot of free time on their hands back then." He looks at me and smiles wide and bright, "Like we do now." I nod and remember his earlier line of questions.
"What about you? What do you want to do?" I ask and Peeta looks thoughtful, his eyes showing more than his words say
"I'm not exactly sure yet. I just know that I want to do something important. I want to mean something real before I die, you know?" He gestures towards the curtains "Not just the victor that they made me into. Be someone that I choose to be." He says. I nod.
I understand more than ever before and I recall Glexie's words "…the first place where I could be whoever I wanted."
Before I can mention college, remembering that Gale wants to build one for District 12, Peeta adds "I almost didn't even wear this outfit." He motions to his suit and I frown
"Why not?" I ask. "It's one of Cinna and Portia's designs for our victory tour." He says. Portia, was Peeta's stylist from the Games and Cinna's partner. Cinna. I try not to think of him and my counting game.
Instead, I say, "Why didn't you just buy some more clothes?" Peeta is looking at me with an odd smile. "That's the same thing Ilaynia said." Ilaynia. Just her name falling from his lips causes me discomfort. I know that it is not his fault, but the girl with the icy blue eyes and the cutting words? Just imagining her telling Peeta to buy new clothes angers me. I don't even think
"Of course, she did." I say with a mocking tone.
"I did consider it." Peeta muses, unaware of my displeasure, "I just didn't feel like coming to the Capitol. That's the only way I could have gotten new clothes you know." Yes, I know. But Peeta talking about Ilaynia is annoying me. I don't want him knowing that I am jealous of the girl in the fire dress who dances gracefully and even thinks with a dainty expression. So I change the subject.
"I think you look nice." I say, and I immediately regret it as Peeta looks at me with a mock devilish grin, "Well, in that case, I'll keep all the clothes."
He laughs lightly as I blush but he nods to my outfit. "You look…nice too." He says but the expression on his face showcases his confusion. And like that, I remember. The entire reason I was so angry with him and wanted to find him earlier. The entire reason I am wearing this awful brown cloak! I laugh, feeling intensely happy for the first time in hours.
"This isn't my dress, Peeta!" I say and I'm sure the excitement in my voice is confusing as he looks at me like I'm crazy and smiles lightly. "Really? Than whose is it and why are you wearing it?"
His joke is wasted on me as I lean up and push away from the railing yanking at the ties on the brown cloak. I feel so foolish as Peeta watches me fumbling with the knotted tie at my throat. "Here, let me help." Peeta says stepping closely and my hands drop as his glide beneath my chin twisting at the ties. I watch his caring expression as he simply unties my knot and feel my heart swelling at the amount of care that he takes for such a menial task.
I want to kiss him. I think and I realize that I could. I could just stand on my tiptoes and press my lips…
"Um, Katniss," I hear and I open eyes that I hadn't even realized I'd closed. "I, uh, finished." Peeta says and he is standing back with his eyebrows raised and I am standing here with my cloak untied but still covering my dress and my lips and hands in an odd and twisted fashion. I blush and clear my throat lightly.
"Oh. Um, yeah so…" Peeta folds his arms expectantly, with a teasing smirk.
"So let's see this dress of yours." He says and I can tell that he is all prepared to make some smart remark. Instead of answering him, I carefully take both ends of the cloak and in one quick motion, the way Cinna always taught me, I drop it to the ground.
Peeta doesn't speak, just stares at my flowing, colorful gown his eyes studying each detail of the design. "It's like a…" he searches for the word and then it comes to him "A canvas." He says his voice dripping with amazement.
"A painted canvas." I say and I twirl around slowly so that he can see the entire scene. The large luminous orange half circle that begins at the bottom and crawls upward until various oranges and pinks blend together, crafted beautifully across the large expanded skirt. The deepening purplish, blue strokes, that creep up my torso before being invaded by more rays of orange tinted with grey that crawls up my chest and arms, ending in a beautiful cluster of color at my neck.
"It's a sunset." Peeta says slowly. I nod and smile. Glancing down at the beautiful dress and thinking of Cinna.
"It's your sunset." I say, and Peeta looks at me curiously. "I told Cinna about your favorite color, once; sunset orange. He surprised me with this dress on his next visit…his last visit. Said that he wanted to make me into your "own personal sunset"."
I am aware of Peeta's adoring gaze and I try not to be uneasy but I hadn't really thought past my story's explanation. So I finish carelessly "He said it was for after the wedding…" Peeta's expression changes slightly, and he turns away from me, staring out at the moon again. I've said the wrong thing again.
"I mean, I wore it for you tonight, though." I say, hurriedly. Peeta looks at me again, a half-smile
"Really?" he says. "Really." I say, and then I am staring awkwardly at the cobblestoned ground. "I wanted to dance with you, tonight. With my dress, I mean. But I guess-" And as I am speaking, the sound of the music of the ballroom is suddenly flooding the terrace. I look at the door and see Peeta standing by the slightly open door and holding his hand out towards me. I look up at his face and his eyes are soft, earnest, beautiful.
"Dance with me, now." He says and before the sentence is finished I am gripping his hand tightly, breathing in his scent as my head obediently rests against his shoulder as we are swaying gently to the soft hypnotic music.
I close my eyes and feel everything in this moment. I think of words that I can't say, and feelings that I don't even understand, but none of that matters now. Peeta's hands are wrapped protectively around my back and I recall telling him. "…that's what you and I do. Protect each other." My hands tighten behind his neck as I think of what it felt like to miss him, thinking that I would never see him again, when the Capitol had him. Trying to fill desperate longing moments with memories of kissing him in the cave, on the beach. Lying in bed and asking him not to leave,
"Stay with me."
"Always." He said, and in this moment, I know, that I want him always. I don't want him dancing with any redheads, or blondes or any other girls. I don't want him to leave me, again. Ever.
I blink back tears as the thoughts of everything I am feeling catches in my throat and I wonder why I can never explain what I truly mean. What he truly means to me. In this moment, dancing with Peeta as if we are the only two people on earth, I am surer than I ever knew that I…that he…he means more than anything. He is more.
I gasp slightly, and Peeta hears me. Lifting me up slightly he peers into my eyes saying softly "You okay?" I nod up at him smiling. "I'm perfect." And for a moment we just move, gazing into one another's eyes.
Peeta is looking at me in a way that makes me nervous, but I don't turn away this time, instead, I just look at him expectantly and Peeta says earnestly. "You are so beautiful. Do you know that, Katniss Everdeen?" I look down, feel the burning red of my cheeks.
I don't know. I know Peeta thinks this, but I don't feel very beautiful, when I'm all alone in my house, playing my counting game or waking up screaming from nightmares. But this doesn't seem to be the time to mention any of that. Instead, I try to remember what to say, how I'm supposed to answer. But as soon as I do, I am flushed with the memory of Peeta's statement, "…no more lying..." So instead of trying to figure out what I should say, I just say what I think…what I feel.
"I know you think that…but I think you're really the one who's…who's more…beautiful…" and my words disappear, but it doesn't matter as Peeta is suddenly lifting my chin with his hand, staring down into my eyes, leaning in, and I am closing my eyes waiting for his lips to touch mine…
…when I hear a loud, unmistakable noise and my eyes shoot open staring into Peeta's which are equally startled and fearful as I am sure he has interpreted the sound just as I have.
It is the sound of the collective and blood-curdling scream of 6,382.