Author's Note: No TW or spoilers if you've seen episode 19x05, "Complicated." Otherwise TW for a bad nightmare. Skip the italics if you like.
"We've got something."
He crouches down next to the medical examiner, sees the flower-patterned blanket poking out of the dirt. Exactly where they'd been told it would be. He knows he should feel some relief for the Lawrences, that they'll get some closure. But he knows their turmoil is just beginning a second round. He makes the sign of the cross and offers up a quick prayer for them, and for the little girl the ME places in his arms to bring out.
The blanket shifts, startling him. He freezes. For a split second he wonders if Emma Lawrence is still-no, but that's impossible, it's been a decade!
It moves again, and his eyes flicker down.
Jesse is staring up at him. "How come you didn't find me sooner, Uncle Sonny?"
He screams.
Carisi wakes up in a cold sweat, fighting the tangled sheets as he shoots to his feet. It's carpet underneath him, not dirt and leaves, and the sheets are white, not pink with yellow flowers. It's dark, not daylight, and-
He feels two arms slide around his waist. It brings him slowly back to reality, but he can't shake the nightmare. "Hey, hey," Amanda whispers, leaning against his bare back. She feels warm on his clammy skin. She finds his hands and threads her fingers through his, bringing them in close.
Carisi hangs on like she's his lifeline, afraid that if he lets go he'll be back in the woods. His heart rate is like the bass beat in a video game boss battle, like the final lap in Mario Kart.
"What are you thinking about?" Amanda asks, still pressed against him. She's not letting go until she knows he can stand on his own and not collapse. He doesn't realize it, but she can feel him shaking. It's not like they both haven't had their share of nightmares in the past few years. They might no longer be on a beat or actively investigating, but that doesn't mean the memories take a vacation.
Carisi swallows, counts to five. He wants to tell her he's fine. Shrug it off like it's not a big deal. Which, he might have done back when they were still partners and he was a new transfer. But they're married now. That's a whole other kind of partnership, one that doesn't make room for lies. "E-Emma Lawrence," he says softly. He wants to swear, use that multilingual vocabulary of his, but Jesse and Billie are asleep, he doesn't want to wake them up.
Amanda leans back, but she doesn't let go of his hands, guiding him slowly back to the bed, and sits down behind him on her knees. It's awkward and not at all sexy, but that's not what he needs right now. She remembers the case…three years? Four years ago? She's still pissed at Britney Taylor for trying to take advantage of the family, and from what she's heard from Olivia, it's not the first time.
"I was, ah, carrying the body out to the road…only…" He pulls her arms around him tighter, needing to feel grounded. "When I looked down, it wasn't Emma in my arms." To Carisi's surprise, he's tearing up. He lets go of one of Amanda's hands so he can brush them out of his eyes.
Amanda feels him squeeze her other hand tighter. And she puts two and two together when he gets up suddenly and makes his way out of the bedroom and across the hall. She waits in their doorway as he pops his head into Jesse and Billie's room, leaning heavily on the doorframe.
"They're okay, Dom," she whispers.
"I know," he replies. He can't stop looking at them, though. "I just…I had to see…"
She knows that feeling. God knows how many times a night she's gotten up and done the same thing. It was a lot more when she was a detective and single parenting it. Now she has someone to share the burden. "I know." Amanda goes back into the bedroom and sits cross-legged on her side, giving him a second to look in on the girls.
Carisi returns about three minutes later and climbs back into bed. Amanda snuggles in, threading an arm over his chest. He's not shaking anymore, and his heart isn't threatening to break through his ribcage. He kisses her fingers as she presses a soft kiss to his bare shoulder. She's not going to ask if he's good, or if he's okay. "I'm here if you need me," she tells her husband.
She can feel him playing with the ring he gave her on her finger.
He closes his fingers around that hand.
It's only when his breathing deepens and she feels him relax and drift off that she closes her eyes to find sleep herself.