Friday, May 30

Since we had all promised Nico to have a big party for her birthday before we had told her the truth, we decided to go through with it. It would be a sad thing to suddenly have her wait almost two months for her birthday just because of some data that wouldn't even feel real to her. I had always planned on giving her back her diary, and thus Nikki Sambamme, this journal, was born. It feels weird not having Nico's diary. It feels cramped not being able to compare my memory with her notes. But it is her life and she is entitled to as much of it as she can recall. When she gets to my part, I wonder what she will think.

Communication is important for relationships, but ours will be on a whole new level, I think.

Nico cried, of course. Yes, she cries much, much more easily nowadays. For some reason, being smashed up like mochi in a train-wreck and losing three years of your life will do that to a person.

And we shared our first kiss. For her, for real. For me, with the new Nico. That's really the old Nico I never knew. I am sure this is like time travel for Nico, but for me it is, a bit, too. I was able to go back in time for a few months and see what Nico was like before her school troubles started. Now I don't know — she's going to turn out a hybrid of that girl and what she became.

We have Nico almost caught up on idol videos and such. She said watching them had become too depressing, but now she feels enough potential to hope that she can stand to watch them. She's become very close with Hanayo again. I am glad to say her and Honoka started getting along. Just like before, the fact that Nico, Rin and Honoka are all goofy in their own way brought them together. They raced Nico's wheelchair around. She sat in a chair (that she was able to struggle into by herself, mostly) and watched with amusement.

It will make a huge difference in her physical therapy. Just having a reason to do it, I mean. She assumed before that I was just humoring her, that she'd be handicapped for life. Now, she's taking the doctor's admonition that she canget better in a year or so more seriously. After my long talk with my father, I realized that stressing her out to recover more memories is not worth it. Not all of them are good, and we can focus on the ones that are. Even if she just fabricates some, the way Cocoa and Cotarou did with their father, that is good enough. I still don't regret that I made it clear she's my top priority, but I got a glimpse of my father as physician and head of a hospital, and suddenly, my certainty that I want to abandon everything and work on brain injury research has all but evaporated. It will return if complications crop up.

Nico didn't say a discouraging word about me having her diary. She has been full of hundreds of questions for her poor family every day, and many of them were about me. The not-quite three years missing thing we will resolve with her next, second, real, whatever-you-wish-to-call it birthday. Being two months off is an added complication, and it's better to make a clean break. So we will tell everyone she is three years younger than her chronological age is, and leave it at that.

The lawyer and my parents have been very helpful with that. Most of the time, Nico can be just another (now) sixteen-year old first-year. If something comes up that requires something else, just explaining things as briefly as possible will do.

Eli couldn't make it to the party, but she's pledged to attend the next one. She and Nozomi are still at arms length, but that's better than being completely estranged. I think they'll have a very long talk at some point soon. I hope she doesn't wait for Nico's birthday, because I want to be free to help — or at least lend a sympathetic ear to one or both of them.

As predicted, Nico was overwhelmed with happiness at the idea of being in school with Cocoro. I think she found reading about her past birthdays very sobering. That was one of the times she started crying, and she looked at all her, for her, new friends with a very soft and grateful expression. I would write more, but the emotional rollercoaster lately, especially today, has completely worn me out.

And I am circling the date because I kissed Nico.