Chapter Fifteen

"I did not do it deliberately." Anne snapped. "You had me so shocked at your return, and so angry at your assumptions I was not thinking clearly."

Frederick leaned forward in his seat, resting his elbows on his thighs and wringing his hands. "you can have no notion of how it felt, not only to believe you were engaged to another – but to see him with you, so close, as close as we …" he paused the pain still too great. "He kissed you, in front of your family and friends, more than I was ever at liberty to do and then you laughed. I confess it was too much to bear." He swallowed; she saw the lump in his throat. "Then to discover it was an act. I felt-" he shook his head unable to finish.

"How?" Anne leaned towards him, tears now running down her face freely, two years of torment having caught up with her. "Tell me, I should know. You should tell me." she sobbed.

He stared back at her. "Two and a half years is no period in time at all, everything remains the same, and yet, everything is changed. People change."

She composed herself, wiping angrily at her tears and sitting straighter in her seat. "I am not so changed."

"Are you not?" Before she got the chance to answer, he sat back again. His face fell at the sight of her reddened eyes and he passed her his handkerchief. She accepted it gratefully and tried to make herself more presentable. "Why did I make you so angry?" he blurted out.

"What?" She tried to pass him back the article but he refused, motioning for her to keep it. "When?"

"During our conversation this morning. Just now you said you were angry with me, and you left this morning so abruptly when we had barely begun."

She took a breath in and out trying to remember her practiced speech and then realising she did not need to recall the words, they came to her easily. "You claimed to love me, to know me better than anyone else. To understand me where others did not, and yet when I came to you that day and ended our engagement all that counted for naught. Instead of hearing me out, letting me explain, you chose to shout and hate and walk away. How is that the action of someone who truly loved? You spoke of me having not known what love was, of being naive and too young to understand all that comes with loving someone, but it was you who ran away. You said I was fickle and yielding and showed a timidity of character, yet it was you who gave up so readily."

"Me! Anne, I went away because you sent me. You released me. You told me you did not love me."

She shook her head. "I told you I could not marry you."

"It is the same thing."

"No, it is not." she laughed dryly. "I told you what I had to, to make you leave. So you would go on and accomplish all that you needed to – to have the career you deserved. I let you go because I loved you. How could you of all people not see that?"

"I was heartbroken. The woman who had agreed to be my wife, had just told me she no longer wished to marry me. Now you would have me believe-"

"You should have known me better!" she interrupted. "You should have known how much I loved you – the way we loved each other. Our plans, our hopes and dreams, would I really have thrown all that away so easily? Was I such a good actress I fooled you over all those weeks and months -all those times we were alone together- that I loved you, when really I felt nothing for you?"

Frederick did not answer, he was reeling from her admissions. "How can you hurt the one you love, because you love them? Surely if you truly loved them, you would never intentionally harm them."

Anne looked out of the window pulling the handkerchief through her fingers, wondering how she could make him see the sacrifice she had made had all been for him. "Do you think I would have liked life aboard the Asp?" she said suddenly, her face now back in shadow and darkness. The whole carriage was now without light.

Frederick knew a gentleman would suggest lighting the lamp, but he also preferred the dark, it was easier to talk. "You know very well I should never have allowed you on that ship. It was not safe for you. I would never put you in harm's way."

"So you would have refused your first commission as a commander? Or perhaps you would have left me behind. Where? In your brother's cottage? In a room somewhere near Whitehall? Waiting alone for months and months for news?"

Frederick opened his mouth to contradict her but was stumped again. Could what she was saying be true? Did she do it all for him? Would his life have been quite so prosperous? Would he have been so advantageous in his career, if he had been married? He had only ever thought of how happy they would have been. He had never given a thought to all the particulars. Important things like where they would live, and what she would do if she was not permitted to travel with him, had never even crossed his mind. Was she right in that also? Was he the one who had been young and naïve?

He didn't respond and they spent a further ten minutes in silence. Anne knew she should be nearly home and suspected the driver of taking the longer route to Kellynch.

"Why did you refuse Musgrove?" he breathed.

"Because I do not love him." she answered without hesitation. "Not like that. Not like then." she murmured back.

He let out a long sigh in response to her answer. She was talking in riddles, he had no idea of her true feelings, at present. "So what now? What will become of Miss Anne Elliot? Forever single to be called upon whenever others need her, feeble and alone." he said icily.

"Better alone and feeble, than bitter and resentful."

He huffed. "Are you referring to me?" She did not refute it. "I am not bitter or resentful."

Anne controlled the urge to roll her eyes or laugh out loud. "You are full of bitterness. You have every right to be after all, our family –and I – did you a great disservice."

"Disservice?" he said incredulously.

Anne ignored him and continued, feeing braver. "But that does not mean you should hang on to it, it will build up inside you and prevent you from being truly happy."

"I do not-" he tried to interrupt her, but again she ignored him.

"And you are resentful of the fact I –"

BANG! BANG! BANG!

Anne was interrupted by Frederick's fist hitting the roof of the carriage, he heaved the window down letting in a rush of cool night air and leaned out. "Stop!" he called to the driver.

The carriage stopped so abruptly Anne was thrown forward from her seat, this time though she stopped herself just in time. She looked at the Captain fearfully. "What was the meaning of that?

He said nothing, only got to his feet and out of the confines of the carriage.

For the first time in the past thirty minutes, he felt able to breathe again. The road was dark, save for the lights from the outside of the carriage, and deserted. He doubted anything foul should befall them, they were only a stone's throw from Kellynch Hall, but he kept one eye out just in case.

"Captain?"

He turned to find Anne out of the carriage and on the road, her shawl wrapped tightly around her. He almost cursed out loud. Why had she followed him? It was late and cold and she should not be outside, but he could not last inside that carriage a minute longer, so he was loathed to suggest they get back in. "I am bitter and resentful." he said quietly, aware the driver could hear them. "But not for the reasons you believe."

"Then why?" she straightened her back ready for the onslaught.

He gathered his strength. It was time she learned the truth, it was time he admitted it to himself. "I am bitter because I lost all that I held dear and all I ever wanted, and resentful of the fact I could have tried harder to keep it. I let it all go so easily. I let you go too easily." He came closer to her. "When I returned, all I could think about was forgiving you for all you had done in parting us, when I should have been asking you for your forgiveness for all I did in keeping us that way."

Anne was speechless, was he telling her he regretted his actions after she released him? If he had stayed, what would have become of them? Would he have pursued her further? Would her father have finally given them his blessing? The driver cleared his throat but neither heard it. "If you had stayed you would not have achieved all that you have." she said finally.

He smiled coyly. "Are you doubting my abilities?"

"No, only your priorities. The way we were back then, you would not have thought straight, you would have put me first instead of your career."

The smile lapsed into a frown. "Is that not how it should be? When you love someone, they should be your priority."

"In an ideal world yes, but in reality, you needed to succeed; for your sake as well as mine. You would not have been truly happy if you were forced to take on some other occupation just to keep yourself close to me and a roof over our heads. You deserve everything you have achieved. I would not take that away from you."

He stepped even closer to her and Anne felt her heart skip a beat. "Anne, I –"

"If you please Sir, Miss, it would perhaps be better if you returned to the carriage." suggested the driver.

Frederick turned to answer him, but Anne caught his arm pulling him back around to her. "Please continue."

"Perhaps we should-" he looked towards the carriage and the impatient driver.

"Please Frederick," her eyes searched his. "Please continue what you were going to say."