Chapter Sixteen

He smiled at her use of his Christian name. It had been so long since he had heard her call him Frederick, he almost forgot what it was he needed to say. "I leave in just over a month. And by leave I mean the country. The Laconia is waiting for me." His eyes were full of a sadness and desperation.

Anne frowned, he was telling her it was pointless. There wasn't time. After almost three years of waiting, now they didn't have enough time left. She nodded silently and quickly returned to the carriage. Frederick hurried to keep up with her. Offering her a hand to help her inside, she hesitated before placing her small gloved hand in his. As soon as they touched, they both shivered and gasped – so many memories- familiar and yet new. In a moment it was over. Anne climbed inside and let go of his hand. They sat out the rest of the short journey to Kellynch in silence. Both their heads filled with questions and neither having the courage to voice them.

Upon their arrival, Frederick exited first and once more offered Anne his assistance. She took his hand willingly, holding on to it until the very last moment she could without seeming improper. "Thank you Captain."

He frowned; he as back to Captain. He knew it was most likely as the driver could hear them, but he still suspected it could be because she was angry with him. "Good night Miss Anne." he said softly.

She nodded and turned to walk away before turning back. "I wonder… that is … shall I see you again?" her voice was shaking and her teeth chattering. "Before you leave for the Laconia I mean." It was the one question she could not help but ask no matter how nervous.

He smiled sadly. "Of course, I would not think of leaving without telling you goodbye."

She looked relieved and then sad, before nodding and walking thought the gates. Frederick watched until she was safely inside and out of his sight, before turning to the driver. "You may return for Mrs Finch at the assemble rooms. I will walk the rest of the way."

The driver looked out in to the black meadow now bathed in moonlight he knew the Captain would have to cross to in order to reach Monkford, and at the sword swinging by his side. He surmised the Captain could handle himself should any scoundrel appear. "Very well Captain Sir, good evening."

As Frederick made his way to his brother's home, he took no notice of his surrounding, in fact he was that consumed with what they had said to each other, he arrived on Edward's doorstep with no recollection of his journey home at all. They had been on the verge of confessing so much. He especially had wanted to tell her he loved her still, despite events of three years ago, despite all the obstacles still standing in their way; not in whole but in large his Captaincy and impending departure. He wished for more time, to reconnect properly. To discover if her hopes and dreams remained as they had once. To see if she should still be happy as the wife of a Captain.

He had known in that moment their hands met, she was still the only woman he could envisage a future with. From the look on her face as he took her hand, and then when he reminded her of his leaving, she had some feelings for him still too. He longed to know if they were still as deep as they had been then. Did she still love him? He could not bear even the thought of her rejecting him once more, and yet he knew if he had any chance at being happy in his lot in life, he needed her by his side.

She had called him Frederick, even if it had been in an away to gain his attention – it had worked – hearing her sweet voice call him by his given name had been bliss and torture all rolled into one. He knew one thing for sure, he wanted to hear it again. He had no choice but to pursue this; to see where it led.

As he lay in bed that night listening to the sounds of Edward as he arrived home, he made a plan. He would have to work fast; to construe some way of seeing more of her. To learn where she and her heart stood, and then if everything came to fruition – if he realised his real dream – well, he would have to deal with the Laconia then.

Across the meadow in her bed at Kellynch, Anne was experiencing her own dilemma. She knew she loved Frederick Wentworth, there was no doubt in her mind or her heart. It had always been him and always would be. She had been on the verge of telling him that night when he had hit her with the blow of his leaving. She knew his stay could not be for long, but she had hoped for longer. If he was leaving, what would be the point of confessing her love for him? They could not be together, even if he was to stay – to postpone his leaving somehow, there was still the ever present problem of her family. Regardless of all his accomplishments, they would never accept him. Yes she was now of age and free to marry when and to whom she liked, but did she really want to distance herself from them? What if all those what if's she had been faced with at nineteen, came true at two and twenty?

Frederick injured, or worse, her not allowed to accompany him; no home, the chance of children to complicate things further. Her mind rattled with all the questions. She pulled the pillows over her head burying her face in it she let out a scream of frustration. Why was it, fate seemed determined to throw them together, and at the same time keep them apart?

She still held his handkerchief in her hand although soiled with her own salty tears, she could still make out his scent she breathed it in and sighed, absently tracing the stitch of his initials with her finger. She placed it beneath her pillow and sighed glancing towards the window. She wondered if he was thinking of her now. She then realised how inappropriate it would be for him to think of her in her bed – probably while in his. Then she realised she was doing the exact thing herself. She blushed in the dark. When they became attached in the year six, she had thought on it – more than she should, more than an innocent young lady should. The idea of being married. Of sharing a house, a life, a bed with a member of the opposite sex. She had no notion of the 'ins and outs' of a marriage or procreation; she was much too genteel, but she had imagined what it must be like to be married.

She knew her parents had occasionally shared a bed chamber. She remembered as a young girl creeping in and seeing them in the morning going about their room together in their night clothes. And in rare moments of affection, her ma-ma resting her head on her father's shoulder in the evening while she and Mary had played. Those were the moments that had fascinated Anne. To be so comfortable with another, to whom you were not blood related, all that closeness. Then when she became close to Frederick, she realised how easy it was. To have him hold her to him, and even now and again bestow a kiss, she had imagined how their marriage would be – rather than rare, it would be filled with moments like those. He had once let it slip that aboard a ship, the Captain and his wife would often share a room. It was not always convenient for each to have their own separate quarters. Sophia and the then Captain Croft, he had told her, preferred being together. Anne had found this shocking at the time, but the more time she spent in Frederick's company, the more the idea of falling asleep beside him and waking together no longer seemed wrong. She hoped for it.

She had tried -and failed- to supplant the image of him as her husband, many times. No matter how she tried to imagine herself as someone else's wife, none gave her the feeling of completeness that he did. It was with that feeling still filling her, she was able to drift into a deep sleep.

In the morning Anne resolved to keep busy, she had no notion of when she would see Frederick again. Mrs Musgrove had been telling Anne about the new piano they had purchased for her girls to practice on, and how she would love for Anne to come and play on it. Henrietta and Louisa were still learning and about to go away to school. So she headed up to Uppercross, trying her best to put a certain sailor out of her mind. No amount of determination however could compensate when she was shown in the sitting room only to come face to face with the man himself.

He looked once again as shocked at seeing her there as she him. However unlike a few days ago, he smiled warmly in response. He was sat beside Charles, Mr Musgrove senior stood beside them talking, when he saw Anne he stopped. "Miss Anne? Well this is a pleasure I must say. Two callers in one morning."

Charles grinned. "Yes it is quite a coincidence."

Anne glared at him and then returned his father's smile. "Good morning Mr Musgrove, Charles, Captain. I was looking for Mrs Musgrove, I believed she wishes me to try your new piano."

"Ah yes …" he paused and grimaced. "The girls … lack your finer touch."

Charles muttered something under his breath and Frederick let out a laugh quickly disguised as a cough. Anne was pleased they were getting along so well, but still somewhat surprised to find Frederick in the Musgrove's house. As if reading her mind Charles spoke. "Captain Wentworth heard that Richard maybe considering a move to the Navy and decided this morning to come here and offer advice and any help he can give."

Anne nodded her understanding ignoring what Charles was implying. She felt Frederick's eyes on her at all times; like she used to. She turned her attention back to Mr Musgrove. "If Mrs Musgrove is otherwise engaged, I can come back another time. It is my error, I should have warned her of my intention to visit and not just arrived unexpectedly."

"No, no, she will be more than pleased to see you my dear. I will run and fetch her, Charles could you see to Miss Anne please?"

Once the elder gentleman left, Charles let out a chuckle as he called for the maid to bring refreshment. Anne raised an eyebrow at him before going to stand nearer to him and away from Captain Wentworth. "You would have me believe it is naught but a coincidence you both choosing this morning to visit Uppercross?" Charles said quietly to Anne.

Anne jumped and looked over at Frederick who was busying himself looking out at the gardens. "Believe what you will Charles, it is the truth. I had no notion that Captain Wentworth would be here this morning, as I am sure he will confirm the same about my appearance. Had I known he was here, I would not have called." Charles frowned and she sighed eager for him to let her be. "If you must know all the particulars, we did not part on good terms last night and I am yet undecided if I should want to see him again at all."

It was Charles turn to look surprised. "Well that is not the impression I have gained from the Captain. The way his face lit up at your entrance, I would have thought him very pleased to see you here."