Hiiiiii. So, this chapter took a while, and I'm sorry about that. The IRS fight was giving me a lot of trouble, and during my spring break I got a burst of inspiration for a different fanfic idea I'll probly be posting soon, and also updating my other one. But full disclosure, I finished this chapter like three weeks ago, but I wasn't really satisfied with it, and by then it was finals, and then I was job searching, and then Tears of the Kingdom came out, and the great sky archipelago took me more time to complete than I'd like to admit. But anyways, back at it again. We're in the Monster Association arc, which will probly be at least more chapters after this one. Enjoy!
Chapter Twenty One: First Contact
Tatsumaki frowned as the monsters crawled up out of the sewers. How unsanitary of them. To be fair though, the only person that lived here was Saitama, so it wasn't likely that they were full. Still, gross. Typical monster. Disgusting creatures, barely even worth her time. She watched them as they crawled towards their deaths, unaware that they were merely fodder, tests for the upper echelons of this "association" to assess the capabilities of the heroes come to destroy them. Tatsumaki scoffed. As if they'd ever fall for such a stupid ploy. All of these pestering creatures would be dead before she could use a third of her full power.
Some of the lesser heroes the Hero Association demanded they drag along cowered behind the rest of the S-Class. Tatsumaki huffed in annoyance. What purpose did these weaklings serve again? The buffoons at the Hero Association didn't honestly think that all of these fools, much less any one of them could hope to match a singular S-Class? At least the rest of the S-Class wouldn't immediately die when she would fight something actually dangerous, but these idiots would get themselves killed the instant something strong enough to fight back appeared. And there had to be at least one monster worth her time in here. That was, as long as Saitama hadn't already killed it.
The leader of these monstrous sacrifices finally reared its ugly head. A large humanoid monster, wearing a long and ragged cloak floated towards their group. Eyes blinked open all across its body, turning to glare hatefully at her.
"So, the Hero Association has finally made its move," the cloaked monster rasped. "Pity they sent you to your deaths."
The monsters behind the cloaked figure started laughing and jeering, a wretched amalgamation of animalistic voices screeching in disharmony. Tatsumaki winced. Maybe this was their real plan after all, get all the monsters with the most annoying voices and have them laugh at them. It wasn't a very good plan. Tatsumaki was tempted to eviscerate them all on the spot, but then again the Hero Association had sent them here for a reason after all, hadn't they? She'd let these weaklings play at being heroes while this grotesque creature before her entertained her.
"These eyes were once the eyes of monsters slain by your self-righteous heroes. Gyoro Gyoro sewed them into my flesh. Their hatred of heroes gives me strength. Many of these monsters were slain by you, Tornado of Terror. They hate you most of all," the creature said. Tatsumaki was bored already. What a drama queen. "Once I kill all you heroes, I will add your eyes to my collection!"
The monster raised its hands, tearing entire buildings out of the ground and hovered them over its head. They flew towards the group of heroes, eliciting screams from the weaklings. With a sigh, Tatsumaki erected a barrier over them, making sure they wouldn't die. The chunks of concrete and steel bombarded her power, smashing against a shield of pure force. The baby heroes sighed in relief, until she felt the monster in front of her release its hold over the chunks of debris and Tatsumaki removed her barrier, letting gravity take hold.
"Tatsumaki!" Sekingar yelled as huge stones fell from the sky onto the assembled heroes. "What the hell!? You can't just leave us to our deaths!"
"If you can't even survive the fallout from my protecting you, why are you even here!?" Tatsumaki shouted back. "This is a job for heroes, not pencil pushing cowards!"
"She has a point," Amai Mask said, lifting a portion of a building off of himself with one hand. "This was a task assigned to the best and most qualified members of the Hero Association. If they are not able to shake off mere rock, then they should not have come in the first place."
"Be nice, both of you," Child Emperor scolded. "Everyone here has their roles to play. Focus on your own battles."
"Hmph." Tatsumaki glared at the psychic monster in front of her. This Gyoro Gyoro creature really expected this thing to challenge her? Pathetic. Still, she conceded it was an interesting little science experiment. Using the deceased monsters' anger as psychic fuel? That was an interesting choice, and a creative use of psychic abilities. But she hoped that Gyoro Gyoro would prove a greater challenge than this ugly spitroast before her. "You were created to kill me?"
"Oh, yes. I will take great pleasure in your screams. I can't wait to see your innards strung out like banners as we celebrate the death of your kind," the monster sneered.
"La-de-da," Tatsumaki yawned. "Maybe you'd be a match for me in my sleep. But I'm annoyed right now. So if you want your life to be miniscully longer, entertain me."
"Entertain you!? I will rip you to shreds!" the monster cried, hurling stones at her. Tatsumaki waved a hand, blasting the stones to pieces and throwing the monster back hundreds of feet. Tatsumaki chased after it, tearing through a few monsters that couldn't get out of her way fast enough.
The cloaked monster shot upwards, screaming as it launched rocks at her. Tatsumaki just dodged, psychically grabbing them and whirling them around to smash into the monster from either side. It erected a barrier just in time to protect itself, but even still it staggered as the six ton stones smashed into it. Not one to let an opportunity go to waste, Tatsumaki pulled the creature towards her before smashing it down onto the pavement. She followed up by shooting a psychic blast down onto the creature's form.
"Come on, you're boring me," Tatsumaki taunted. "What happened to all that rage? All I see is fear."
"You wish to witness my rage!?" The monster yelled, floating back up to the sky. "Fine then! After I kill you, I'll find your pretty little sister and pluck her eyes out too!"
"What did you say?" Tatsumaki asked, her power responding to this freak's words. It smoldered in her veins, roaring like an inferno in her ears. "You will learn…" Tatsumaki raised her arms, a whirlwind of psychic power and rubble dragging itself into the sky. "...what happens when you threaten my sister!"
A hurricane of death swirled around her, trapping her opponent in a vortex of metal and stone. The monster raised its hands, erecting a barrier around itself. With a wave, Tatsumaki shattered it and sent the creature hurling back into the storm. It tumbled in the wave of her fury, bombarded from every direction. At her call, lightning danced through the debris, striking her opponent with ruthless abandon. It screamed, psychically pushing all the debris away from it momentarily. In that moment, Tatsumaki applied gravity to it, sending it crashing to the earth. The creature snarled at her, rending chunks of pavement up at her. They smashed against her barrier, not even ruffling her clothes. Tatsumaki looked at the creature unimpressed. "Fine, if you're not going to take this seriously, I'll end you right now."
Tatsumaki cupped her hands together, creating an orb of psychic power around the monster. It flailed against her, trying to escape its tomb. Slowly, Tatsumaki willed the sphere to grow smaller and smaller, compressing the creature until its skin shredded, its organs popped, and all those eyes were squeezed into a bloody pulp. With a disgusted sigh, Tatsumaki let the monster drop, squelching as it splattered across the pavement.
Was this all the monster association had to offer? She was led to believe that they were a legion of powerful monsters, not a ragtag group of weaklings and fools. She knew that the strongest monsters would be waiting down below for them, but if this was the vanguard, she didn't have high hopes. She sighed. What a letdown. And here she thought she'd get to blow off some steam. Not even close.
Tatsumaki returned to the front lines, watching as the heroes killed the monsters. Surprisingly, none of the weaker classes had gotten themselves killed yet. Good for them.
Tatsumaki dropped to the ground, obliterating a stray monster that thought it could sneak up on her. Puri Puri Prisoner grunted at her arrival. "That took longer than expected. It must have been a dangerous monster, eh?"
Tatsumaki scoffed. "No. It had just had the audacity to die too quickly on me."
Tatsumaki surveyed the area. The last of the monsters were being taken care of. Darkshine was shaking a trolley to dump the monsters into the blades of the awaiting heroes. They screamed as they plummeted onto the hero's swords.
"Everyone! We've cleaned up the monsters here on the surface. It's time to begin the hostage rescue!" Child Emperor announced. "From here on out, the surface team's job is to locate and destroy any monster exits! Once that is complete you will remain on standby until the hostage is secure, and when we find him you will ensure his safe return to the Z-City Hero Association Branch! Meanwhile, the invasion team's job is to enter the monster association base, find the child and safely escort him to the surface. Any monster is to be eliminated as quickly and efficiently as possible! You won't have to worry about collateral damage down there, so don't be afraid to go all out! Is that understood?"
"We got it, Child Emperor," Bang said. "We will not fail this task."
"Don't lose focus," Sekingar reminded them. "Remember, there will be no reinforcements to save you if you get into trouble. Pick your battles wisely. And no matter what, don't any of you die down there."
"You should be the one worrying about dying," Tatsumaki said, gliding over towards her entrance. "You're not even a hero."
"Hush now Tatsumaki," Bang said, walking past them. "It is time for our invasion to begin."
Saitama tapped his fingers on the table nervously. The two IRS agents glared at him silently, sipping the tea he made for them.
"Soooo…" Saitama said. "Nice weather we're having?"
"Mr. Saitama," Agent Yur said. "I don't think you comprehend the situation you're in. This area was quarantined by the government. You are trespassing on a federally owned land. That's already a felony. You failed to depart your residence when this area was quarantined. You deliberately defied a federal ordinance. "
"And on top of that," Agent Tym cut in, "You have failed to report your earnings for the past several months, in which you have accrued seven million yen from the Hero Association. You're looking at 5-10 years for tax evasion, minimum."
"Hey now, there's no need for that," Saitama stuttered. "First of all, I was never made aware this area was sanctioned off. I was renting this apartment from Mrs. Yakuza, who never informed me this area was quarantined."
"That's no excuse," Agent Yur cut in. "You've been here for more than two years, and there was a broadcast running for two weeks when this area was sanctioned off. This area was fenced off and signs were posted, warning people not to enter. You have been spotted entering and exiting this area on multiple occasions. You cannot claim negligence."
"Mr. Saitama, I'm afraid you're going to have to come into a court hearing," Agent Tym said, handing him a slip of paper. "There, your situation will be explained to you more fully. At the very least, you are liable to have your house repossessed by the bank and be charged several hundred million yen, and at worst, you could be jailed for up to ten years."
"What! But I'm a hero!" Saitama protested.
"And that's another thing. You have not reported your income at all. From the Hero Association records, it seems you have accrued around 7 million yen since you joined," Agent Yur said. "Since you have not reported any of this, you're getting a hefty fine, and that might just be another 5 years onto your sentence. In fact, I think it would be a good idea for you to come with us. I think we should have a look at your records."
"Indeed, an audit would serve you well," Agent Tym agreed, glaring crossly at Saitama.
"Right," Saitama sweatdropped. Oh man, I am so screwed, Saitama thought. "Hey uh, look over there!"
They didn't look away, but Saitama got up and raced out the door anyway. It's not like they could catch him anyway. Saitama was halfway down the street when Agent Tym and Agent Yur materialized in front of him.
"Agh! What the hell!" Saitama shouted.
Agent Yur held up his wrist. "Portable teleporter."
"Come Saitama. You have broken the law, it's time to face the consequences," Agent Tym said.
"Yeah, I'll do that later. But I'm kinda busy right now," Saitama said. "You remember the Monster Association? They kidnapped a kid? Well I'm supposed to attack them."
"The Hero Association will manage without you," Agent Yur said. "Submit to the law."
Agent Tym raised his hands and a green rope shot from his hands, wrapping around Saitama.
"What is this?" Saitama asked, snapping the energy ropes.
"Increase Interest Bands," Agent Tym responded.
Agent Yur jumped into action, firing oversized coins at Saitama. When they hit him, they seemed to vanish. "What the—"
"Deductible Detriment!" Agent Yur yelled. "Every time one hits you, the IRS claims more of your money!"
"No!" Saitama said, super-speeding around the giant coins.
"Payment Plan Punishment!" Agent Tym cried, lunging at Saitama. He hit Saitama with a series of powerful strikes, launching Saitama through a building. Saitama rose, dusting himself off. The Increase Interest Bands wrapped around Saitama again, and Agent Yur used the ropes to propel himself at Saitama, planting both feet onto the hero's chest with a powerful kick. Saitama was smashed into the pavement, tearing up the concrete. Saitama snapped the ropes and grabbed Agent Yur's wrist. He found the technology that shot the Increase Interest Bands and broke it. Saitama grinned triumphantly. The IRS agent kicked off him, backing up. He grabbed his wrist, and suddenly the broken tech repaired itself.
"What!? How!?" Saitama cried.
"We're the IRS, we have all the money. Definitely enough to pay for repairs," Agent Yur said.
"That's not how it works!" Saitama cried. Agent Yur ran at him again, but Saitama just grabbed his arms and tossed him away. The IRS agent flew and landed horizontally on a wall, kicking off of it to fly at Saitama again. "Failure to Pay Penalty!" Yen appeared out of nowhere and wrapped around Agent Yur's hands, tripling the size of his fists. When the IRS agent struck Saitama, the hero was sent skidding down the street.
"Come on man!" Saitama cried as Agent Tym busted through the wall next to him and fired Deductible Detriments at him. Saitama dodged around the flying coins, watching as they smashed into buildings and signs. "I didn't know! I thought I had it covered! I'll pay the damn fines, just let me go about my business!"
"It's too late for that!" Agent Yur screamed. "You have not reported your income for over three years! Your punishment will be severe!"
Saitama stomped his foot on the ground, shaking the whole area. The IRS agents stumbled, allowing Saitama to sprint away. He managed to get a few miles away from his apartment before the IRS agents teleported in front of him. However, Saitama was exactly where he wanted to be. Saitama clapped his hand, sending a shockwave thundering out. An old paper mill had been here before everyone left, and it collapsed during one of Saitama's battles with a monster. As a result, the area was super dusty. The shockwave from his clap threw all the dust back in the air. Saitama grinned. Maybe they could chase him, but only if they could see him.
"Payment Plan Pathway!" Two voices rang out. Green blurs appeared in the murky air. The two IRS agents came at him faster than any normal human should be able to move. Saitama dodged their fists, jumping into the air to avoid them.
"Are you kidding me!?" Saitama exclaimed. "You have night vision goggles!?"
"Heat vision, actually! No one escapes the IRS!" Agent Tym yelled, thrusting his hands up. "Jail Time!"
Glowing blue bars appeared around Saitama, caging him. Saitama swiped his hand, shattering the bars. "Guys, come on. We don't have to do this."
"Yes we do. We catch anyone who doesn't pay their taxes," Agent Yur said. "No matter where you go, your taxes will follow!"
"You sure about that?" Saitama asked. Then he punched his hand through dimensions, tearing a hole in time and space. Saitama jumped through and sealed the rift. Saitama sighed a breath of relief. Finally. Damn, he had no idea that the IRS could be so annoying. Seriously, it wasn't his fault he forgot to pay his taxes! But he'd figure that out later. Maybe Genos knew how to deal with the IRS. But first, there was a kid that needed saving. He had to get to the Z City branch. It was probably time to meet up with the strike team. Saitama ripped another hole in time and space and stepped out into the lobby of the Z City branch. But Agent Tym and Agent Yur were already waiting for him.
"What the hell–?" Saitama asked.
"Failure to Pay Punishment! Double Charge!" Agent Yur slammed both of his yen-wrapped fists into Saitama's head. Saitama collapsed on the ground. "Fine! Fine! You win, ok! I'll pay my damn taxes."
"It's too late for that. You're going to jail," Agent Tym said.
"What? I don't even get a trial? Hold on, are you even from the IRS?" Saitama asked.
"Of course we're from the IRS," Agent Tym scoffed.
"Then you should know you're not allowed to take me into federal custody without a warrant. In fact, you assaulted me with deadly weapons and caused a lot of property damage. I'm willing to bet that's not exactly legal," Saitama said.
Agent Tym and Agent Yur looked at each other. "That area was seized by the government, therefore it belongs to the government. As federal agents working for a government agency, we were acting in the pursuit of our job. The property damage can be considered collateral damage."
"Not if you were unlawfully attacking a citizen," Saitama countered. "Then property damage will be the least of your worries."
"Mr. Saitama is correct," a new voice said. In walked Snitch, the bulb nosed dude in charge of the heroes. "If you unlawfully attacked him without due process, that is illegal."
"He was resisting arrest, and trying to escape custody," Agent Tym argued.
"But you're not police officers, are you?" Saitama asked. "You don't have the authority to make arrests."
"You will still be held accountable for your taxes," Agent Yur declared.
"I will personally oversee Saitama's trial, so long as it is done through the correct legal authority," Stitch said.
"Very well. Except a letter very soon. Saitama. We will see you soon," Agent Tym glared, before both IRS agents vanished with a blue flash.
"Man, thank you. I thought I was in serious trouble," Saitama said.
"Oh, you are. But don't worry, we'll figure it out. You're our biggest asset, we'll take care of you," Skitch said.
"Thanks," Saitama muttered.
"So. You don't pay taxes?" Switch asked.
Saitama threw his hands in the air. "I know! I know! It was wrong and stupid!"
Spitch smiled. "You're an interesting guy, Saitama. Now, you're late. The invasion of the Monster Association has already begun. Go to these coordinates. Sekingar will update you there."
Saitama accepted the communicator that Shitch gave him. "Will do, Slitch." And with that, he raced off to kill a fuck ton of monsters and save a kid.
"My Lord," Phoenix Man groveled, bowing to the monstrous ESPer. "The S-Class have arrived."
"So late?" Gyoro Gyoro pondered. "Tsk, they sure did take their time."
"But my Lord!" Phoenix Man cried. "They have defeated the advance troops!"
"That was to be expected," Gyoro Gyoro dismissed. "They were weak. No, the real battle has yet to begin."
"I just hope they hurry up," Black Sperm growled. "I'm tired of waiting around this place. It smells like wet dog all the time."
"Blast is mine," Elder Centipede growled, his entire body quivering with rage.
"Patience, Elder Centipede," Gyoro Gyoro said, waving a hand. "I have a different job for you."