So Called Life by Three Days Grace

Sacrifice by Zeila Day

I Fear Nothing by Audiomachine

Dead Man Walking by WAR*HALL

2020 Verdun

Reset 140

They hadn't gotten anywhere with flying to the Cathedral at night, so they tried in the morning multiple times. It was the same result. Rita was getting frustrated, but she had to concede that they had to do this on foot. She was very grumpy about it.

"Looks like we got a frownie," Kamden said, noticing her face that morning as they geared up. "How we gonna turn that frown upside down?"

"Please, not now," Rita said, groaning.

"I'd leave her be, mate," Pete advised, catching her expression. She shot him a grateful look, and he bobbed his head slightly in return.

"Oh, wait, I know!" Kamden went on, tapping a finger against his cheek as he looked at Rita. "Picture the first time you had the best cup of coffee." Like the others, he knew coffee was Rita's thing. What they didn't know, though, was that thinking about coffee made her sad because it was one of the last things she shared with her father before he died. Coffee was his thing, and every time she smelled it, she pictured him rubbing his hands together gleefully when he'd made a good brew or how he'd close his eyes, take in a deep breath, and exhale happily.

That's what made her smile.

"Ah! See?" Kamden said, spreading out his hands and turning from side to side as he looked at the others. "I knew that would work."

Rita let him think it did. She turned away now, feeling the small ache inside of missing her father as usual. She hadn't really known a time where her heart didn't ache from missing someone. She felt like it might just stop beating altogether if that day ever came.

"You good?" Travis asked, coming up alongside her. She nodded and gave a tight smile. He didn't push, as usual, and then they were on their way to their transport, ready for war.

Reset 142

Rita was still shaken by her trip to the psych ward, and she had no one to talk to about it. She could have told Travis, but telling him all of that every time the last nine times got to be exhausting, and in a way, it re-traumatized her more, so instead, she chose to mull it over in her mind and suffer from it alone whenever it came up. Otherwise, she worked hard to stuff it down and forget about it, which was probably a bad idea because it would come roaring back full force one day if she survived this, but she figured she would deal with it then.

"Tell me," Luke said, and she turned her head to see him standing by the foot of her bunk. Her heart leaped and she was instantly on her feet.

"Luke?" she whispered.

"Hey," he replied with that crooked smile of his. She reached out her hand, and he mimicked her. She was breathing hard, hardly daring to hope this was real. All her emotions jumped to the surface, and she wanted to tell him everything. She wanted to forgive him and have him forgive her. She wanted to go back to how it was when they were strong together.

"I missed you," she said, her voice broken slightly.

"I missed you too."

Her fingers almost touched his when he disappeared. She blinked, feeling the tears coming hard and fast. It hadn't been real. The cut to her soul was deep, and she sank back down onto the bed, hugging herself and trying to get a grip of her emotions.

Maybe she really was losing her damn mind.

Reset 146

It was back to trying to save her team. Rita felt aggravated every time she failed to keep one of them safe. She was even more irritated that they weren't getting close to their end goal.

"What do we do?" Travis asked, panting as they were hiding behind a rock. Harvey and Kamden were holding their own on the other side. They'd lost Pete. Again.

It was getting harder to stop the image of his dead stare coming to mind when she tried to fall asleep at night.

"I don't know," Rita confessed. "I don't know how to get out of here." She was feeling frustrated and like a failure. How could she lead this team into failure every single time? Why couldn't she figure this out?

"You said flying definitely didn't work?"

"It didn't. We kept getting hit in the sky most of the time. The rest, we were killed before we were barely out of the aircraft."

"That must mean it's there," Travis reasoned. "Why else would it be so heavily guarded?"

"Yea," Rita agreed absently. Why else?

A Mimic came from nowhere, roaring and attacking. She lost her footing and fell. Travis's shout of her name was the last thing she heard.

Reset 147

"Come on, come on, come on!" Travis was yelling as Harvey, Pete, and then Rita slid down the bank. Kamden hadn't made it, which made Rita's heart hurt. It always hurt when she lost one of them. It was a stab to the heart because she was so sick of losing people. She just wanted to stop having people she cared about die, and that was why she hadn't wanted to care about this team in the first place, but it was too late now. Whenever she was the last one standing, it was almost unbearable.

"Where are we going again?!" Pete shouted over the noise of Harvey's bullets. The Mimic was killed in no time.

Rita didn't get a chance to respond before she was struck from behind and killed.

Reset 148

Rita was sitting on the training room floor when Travis found her. After she explained it all to him, he sat down next to her.

"I think we should focus on just you and me finding a way to the cathedral," she stated. "For now. Once we have a better idea of how to make it, we can bring the others along."

"You mean you," Travis corrected.

"What do you mean?"

"You'll have the better idea, not me. I won't remember shit."

"I'll tell you, obviously."

"Aren't you tired?" Travis asked, looking at her curiously. "I mean, doing this over and over again...you gotta be exhausted." Rita felt pinpricks of tears in her eyes trying to push themselves out. She breathed slowly, sucking them back in. He'd nailed it, but she didn't want to confirm it.

"You get used to it," she answered.

"Kudos to you then," he retorted with a chuckle. "I'd go mad."

Rita didn't want to admit that she was starting to feel like she was going crazy, that she was starting to wonder if the people at the psych ward had it right: she was insane. She knew she wasn't. She didn't like to entertain the idea that this could go on forever. She just couldn't. Her fingers reached for her chain like always, and she slid them up and down it slowly. She closed her eyes and pictured Luke standing in front of her with that crooked smile on his face he used to get whenever he saw her. Her heart rate started to slow down a little. At least he hadn't appeared in front of her like last time, all realistic and solid. Picturing him in her mind startled her less.

"It's gonna be alright," he said in her imagination, because he used to tell her that a lot. No matter how angry she'd gotten at him, she couldn't forget the side of him that adored her. It's what made her feel so conflicted all the time about believing he could be so cruel. She'd wavered a lot, but ultimately, her fear of Simon is what kept her trapped.

And she hated that.

"So what's the plan?" Travis asked, breaking into her visualization and thoughts and making her open her eyes to look at him again.

"We have a map to study for a while," she answered. She'd managed to find one in the last reset, finally having enough of trying to guess where she was going. "And I have to show you how to use a melee." It was better to use it than rely on bullets. She'd figured that out a while ago.

"Well alright," he said, clapping his hands on his knees before getting to his feet. "Let's get this show on the road."

"I'll catch up," Rita advised, and he nodded. He walked away towards the room she'd directed him to go to. She closed her eyes again.

She just wanted five more minutes with imaginary Luke.

Reset 150

As hard as it was to leave the others behind to die, Rita forced herself to. It was easy enough to slip away among the chaos. She and Travis had made it a bit farther in the last two resets. She still wasn't even sure where she was taking them. She just knew they had to find a vehicle to get the hell out of there and go to the cathedral.

She wiped the Mimic blood and guck off her face after slicing it apart and looked over at Travis. He was huffing and puffing but still in one piece.

"I feel like this is all payback for me laughing at people who believed in aliens," he commented.

"So you're to blame for all this then," Rita replied. "You must have slept through the curriculum in school that taught you mocking aliens was bad luck." He gave her a surprised look.

"Rita Vrataski joking around? Wow," he said. "That's rare."

"I was a very different person a long time ago," she replied, shouldering her melee as she walked forward. Travis fell into step beside her.

"I'd be very interested to learn more about this version of yourself," he advised. Rita just smiled. She didn't feel like getting into her life story with him right now. He wasn't easily shaken off, though.

"Come on, you can't leave me hanging," he said, looking at her as they walked.

"There's nothing to say," she insisted. "I was a lot more fun. I liked being around people. I loved books. Willow was my everything."

"Willow?"

"My mother's horse. Mum died right after I was born, so Willow was my biggest connection to her."

"Ah."

"You liked to wear your father's t-shirts," Rita said, making Travis look even more startled. "It was your way of feeling close to him."

"I told you that, huh?" he asked.

"Yea."

Rita enjoyed shocking him with what she knew sometimes. He started to laugh, giving his head a shake. One thing she liked about him was his ability to recover from a surprise quickly.

"When this is all over," Travis said after a moment, "you and I are gonna sit down, and you're gonna tell me everything about yourself in order to make this fair."

"That's what you think," Rita retorted, but she was smirking all the same. Travis was mid-laugh when the Mimic came from nowhere and killed him. Rita emptied her guns into it, reacting by using them instead of her melee since it wasn't close to her, but as she stood there shaking and trying to keep her wits about her, she realized she didn't want to move ahead by herself. When the next Mimic came, she let it kill her.

Reset 158

I love you. You're everything to me...

Rita opened her eyes and half expected to find Luke's arms around her and his lips next to her ear whispering those words. Her stomach sank from disappointment, and she pressed a hand into her eyes.

Mummy, it's time to get up! The great adventure of today awaits us!

Where had the time gone? She sat up slowly, knowing her little boy wasn't going to come running and jumping in a flying leap to land on her bed and pat her face to wake her up while laughing. She felt the guilt all over again at not letting Luke experience their son. She clenched her fists. If Simon hadn't come to her that day, they could have been a family. If she hadn't been so afraid, she could have fought for her family.

A sob caught in her throat, and her eyes burned. She gritted her teeth and tried to get a hold of herself. Thankfully, Travis was already up and not witnessing this. Rita gave herself a shake and cleared her throat. Now was not the time to be sentimental. She had to be strong and win the war today.

Today was the day. It was decided.

She found her team in the mess hall eating and talking. There was a nervousness in the air. She wished she could tell them that everything was going to be alright, but she couldn't. Most, if not all, of them were going to die today.

"Bad sleep?" Pete asked after seeing her. He looked concerned.

"It wasn't great," Rita answered. She forced herself to eat something. She wasn't that hungry, but she knew she couldn't go fighting on an empty stomach. She looked at the other three, and Kamden was the only one still trying to smile and joke. He got some half-hearted chuckles and tight smiles in return.

"Come on," he said, looking at them all. "We're the UDF: Ultimate Dangerous Fighters. We got this."

"More like Ultimate Drongo Fools," Pete muttered, spreading his food around on his plate with his fork.

"Don't ruin it," Kamden ordered, pointing his knife in Pete's direction. "You're not raining on my parade today."

Rita half-listened to this very familiar conversation while looking around her at everyone else. She knew Brendan wasn't there, but she looked for him anyway.

"Would you two quit it before I do Ultra Damage to your Face?" Harvey cut in after a bit, sounding grouchy. His hair was sticking up at all angles; his fingers were gripping the left side tightly.

"Underwater Dolphin Fighting," Travis mused, making them all look at him. He noticed, coming out of his reverie. "What? I can make up stupid shit too."

Rita bit her tongue at his casualness about it. It reminded her of Luke. He'd have said something like that too. She finished her water and took her plate away. She was walking to the training room to get geared up when she saw Farell coming towards her. After seeing him yell and cry the way he had, she couldn't help but wonder who he'd been talking about. She surmised it was his child he'd lost, but she knew asking him about it wouldn't end well.

"Your team ready for this?" Farell asked.

"Yes, sir," she answered. She saw the pain and sadness in his eyes regardless of how tough his face looked.

"Something on your mind, Corporal?" he inquired.

"How old was your son when you lost him?" she countered, deciding to just go for it. Farell stared at her for a moment, unblinking. She thought for a second he was going to unleash holy hell on her, but instead, he said nothing. That was almost worse.

"Good luck out there today, soldier," Farell said finally, turning to leave. Rita watched him walk towards the exit, and she was surprised when he stopped and looked over his shoulder at her. She waited, watching him carefully.

"He was 21," Farell said. Rita knew he wasn't looking for a response, so she said nothing. He turned his head back and left, and she stood there breathing until her team showed up and started to put on their mech suits.

It was time for war, but unfortunately, today was not the day to win it.

Reset 160

Rita jerked awake, feeling like she couldn't breathe. With trembling hands, she wiped at the tears on her face. Sometimes she woke up like this, shaking and crying. Other times, she didn't. She couldn't understand it.

Luke's empty eyes kept appearing in her mind. She didn't always have the same dream of him getting killed now. She'd worked hard to shift her thoughts before going to bed, and sometimes she would dream about them as a family. She honestly didn't know which one was more painful.

"Rita?"

She stiffened in the darkness. Travis was awake apparently.

"You okay?" he asked when she said nothing.

"I'm fine," she answered, hoping her voice didn't give anything away.

"Who is Luke?"

This wasn't the first time he'd asked this question. She'd discovered that when she had the nightmare of him dying, she was calling out his name in her sleep.

"My husband," she whispered, deciding to be truthful. She wanted, no needed, to talk about him right now. She didn't have that powerful urge all the time, but sometimes, like now, it was unbearable.

"Where is he?"

"I don't know," she answered truthfully. She really didn't. The last time she'd seen him, he was in New Jersey. She hadn't looked him up after that. If Kenny or Lucy knew where he was, they hadn't told her either, not that she'd asked. She'd only called them a few times to check in, not letting on she was a single mother but admitting she and Luke had broken up. She knew Lucy wouldn't be able to help herself and would have told Luke about Brendan if she knew. It was a sacrifice she made to keep Brendan safe, and she missed them so much because of it; she had no idea if they were even still alive. She'd gone once to see them before leaving for the war. Lucy had hugged her so tight she'd almost broke Rita's back. Kenny had almost cried.

"What happened to him?" Travis asked, interrupting her thought train.

"He said some really hurtful things, and I couldn't trust him anymore," she said, knowing it was half of the truth.

"Did he say them to your face?"

"No."

"Are you sure he actually said it?"

"It was on tape."

"Oh."

Rita swallowed, looking down. The faint light of dawn was approaching. She was already so exhausted and didn't want to fight today. She wanted to sleep.

"Did you ask him about it?" Travis inquired, not giving up.

"No. I just left."

"Hmm," he said. She didn't feel judgment from him, just puzzlement. He was good that way. He never made anyone feel stupid or small. She hadn't told him about Simon before, and she knew he would never remember, so what was the harm? She suddenly needed to let it all out.

"My cousin threatened to kill me and him if I didn't leave," she blurted.

"Whoa, what?"

"Simon tormented me growing up, and then he killed his mother and got sent away by my father. He killed my father too, Travis, when I was 19. He found me a couple of years later and said he'd been watching me and waiting for the right time, and he almost strangled me. Then he showed me this tape of Luke being so cruel towards me, and I didn't even want to fight to stay. I was also freshly pregnant and terrified of losing my son or having Simon find out about him, so I left."

Shit, it felt so good to say all that out loud.

Travis reached and turned on the lamp now, and he was propped on his right arm, looking at her. Disbelief was etched on his face.

"No wonder you're in so much pain, Rita," he said. She was surprised.

"What do you mean?"

"From the moment I met you, I saw you were hurting. I didn't want to ask why. I figured it was none of my business. I also knew you'd eventually tell me when you were ready."

"Well, now you know."

"So what are you gonna do about it?" he asked.

"I have no idea," she answered truthfully. Her fingers reached for her chain and ring. She wanted to figure it out, but she didn't know how to. "I think he moved on anyway."

"What makes you say that?"

"I went to find him in New Jersey, and he was with another woman," she replied. "I think that hurt the most, you know? I honestly thought he'd miss me or care about me, and it turns out he didn't."

"You sure they were together?"

"They hugged."

"So what? People hug all the time. That doesn't mean they're romantically involved."

Rita thought hard, pictured the woman's face. There had been a level of caring there, and she saw how Luke had closed his eyes at her hug. No, they were together. You didn't do that if you were just hugging a friend. She didn't anyway. She remembered watching Luke hug Melissa all those years ago and feeling jealous. It was that memory that made her question what she saw that night, but she'd convinced herself she was right.

"I think you should talk to him," Travis added, shifting so that he was on his back again. He reached to turn the light off, smart enough to know she was finished talking. He was the closest friend she'd had in a long time, she realized. Even after keeping a fair bit of distance between them in all this time working together, they'd still learned things about each other, and she felt safe with him. She realized even more so during all these resets that she could trust him.

That's why it hurt so bad when she lost him.

Reset 164

"Come on," Travis said, surprising her by taking her by the arm and ushering her out of the training room. "You need a break."

"Excuse me?" she asked, stunned.

"You heard me. You've been working this too hard for too long. You need a break. Nobody works this many days in a row. Nobody."

"I can't afford to take a break," Rita snapped, yanking her arm free. "The world is at stake here!"

"It can wait a day," Travis insisted. "One day. Come on. You can reset whenever you want. It's not over. You just need a recharge. You're burnt out. I can see it a mile away. Even the other lads can, and they're really puzzled because you didn't look like this yesterday to them."

Rita knew he was right, but she couldn't justify it.

"We're all worried about you," he went on. "Me more than the others, especially, but that's because I know what's going on."

"I can't tell them," Rita said. "They won't believe me." Memories of the psych ward sprang up then, and she worked to stuff them down.

"They might not in the right frame of mind to hear it," Travis agreed. "But you have to try. They might believe you after enough tries."

"I doubt it."

"You are taking a break," Travis said firmly, putting a hand the middle of her back and ushering her forward again. "No ifs, ands, or buts."

"But..."

"Ah! What did I just say?" he asked, lifting a brow at her.

"Fine," she growled, letting him propel her forward still. To be honest, the idea of a break made her feel so relieved inside, not that she'd ever admit it. "Where are we going?"

"You'll see."

...

Rita had a few memories of beaches. She vaguely remembered her father taking her when she was younger, and Simon had tried to bury her in the sand, which had terrified her. It was one of their rare family day trips they went on. After almost drowning by Simon's hand on a different occasion, Rita hadn't swum very often. Luke had tried to help her, and she'd gone to a few beaches with him, but she'd always panicked and couldn't do it. She'd never told him why.

There was only one beach she remembered that was associated with a very good memory, which had been Luke's intent. She'd been annoyed at how much his plan had worked. But...she still didn't like to swim. She'd taken some lessons with Brendan to push through the anxiety and at least tolerate it, but it was the last thing she wanted to do for fun.

"You look scared," Travis commented, looking at her. They were sitting side by side on the sand. "The idea was to relax you, not make you feel like you have ten seconds to disarm a bomb."

"I don't do well with water," she confessed.

"You don't have to go in it," he reasoned. "Just take a load off and let the sound of waves block out everything else."

"Where are we anyway?" she asked, looking around. It obviously had meant something to Travis to fly her here specifically.

"Bournemouth beach," he answered. "My mum used to talk about this place all the time and how she spent so many hours here. We didn't come when I was little, just never worked out. Then life happened, and I got busy."

"So this is your first time here?" Rita was surprised.

"Second," he corrected, looking at her. "I proposed to Chloe here."

"You brought her here on your first visit and proposed?" Rita clarified. "Wow."

"She loved it."

"It sounds lovely," Rita admitted, digging her boots into the sand deeper, her arms resting over her knees.

"How did he propose to you?" Travis asked.

"Huh?" She hadn't told him about Luke in this reset. Had she? She frowned.

"You're wearing a wedding band on your neck," he said, gesturing, and she looked down. It must have slipped out when she wasn't paying attention. That happened sometimes.

"Oh."

"Is he dead?"

"No. We're separated."

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay."

"So, me asking you how he proposed was probably really insensitive of me," Travis said with a small chuckle. "Sorry about that."

"It's okay," she said. "Actually, it was kind of out of nowhere...for me anyway. It was after...after my dad died, and I found the ring in Luke's pocket when I was going through his clothes, and he dropped down and asked me right then and there."

"He knew you didn't need perfect," Travis reasoned.

"Yea."

"Big wedding or small?"

"Very small. Us and our two friends from back home with my friend and her brother watching."

"Wow. Miniscule," he joked. "We had about 100 people...mostly her friends, family, and coworkers."

"She knew a lot of people."

"She did, and, wouldn't you know it, none of them kept in touch with me after she died. They did in the beginning to appease themselves, but no one wants to have a sad widow at events or taking up their valuable time. I got left behind, and I honestly don't care. A few people surprised me, but I guess they weren't as real as I thought they were."

"Just you and your mum again," Rita commented.

"Yea." He nodded slowly. "Which was just fine by me."

Rita saw he was looking reminiscent, so she turned to face the water again and let the sun's rays warm her. She wondered if she'd ever get the chance to bring Brendan here. Her heart twisted. He was probably dead. He had to be. He was so young and inexperienced. He wouldn't survive this. She was barely surviving this, and the only reason she was still alive was because she could die and come back. He couldn't.

"So, if you're separated, why are you wearing your ring?" Travis asked out of the blue, and she automatically reached to wrap her fingers around it. It was a valid question. Since she was being honest, and he wouldn't remember, she decided to say it out loud.

"Because I still love him," she answered, looking at her friend. "And because if I ever see him again and he sees it, he'll know that without me having to tell him."

"I see. So why not just call him and tell him?"

"Because I was the one who left," she answered. "For reasons I don't want to get into right now."

"Fair enough," Travis agreed, "but...and you probably already know it...I think you should tell him."

Rita didn't respond. She wanted to, but she also felt angry at Luke still, too. What if he did really mean what he'd said on that tape? It hurt so much. To tell him she still loved him meant dismissing what he'd done, in her mind.

"Did you ever move on?" Travis asked, and she felt surprised by his question. She took her time answering.

"No," she answered softly. She'd been a single mother; there hadn't been time to date or have a social life very often. She hadn't wanted one anyway, especially after what happened with Brian. Trying to fall in love with someone else while still being in love with Luke was impossible. She'd also looked over her shoulder all the time for Simon, and she never wanted anyone to get hurt by him because of her. Plus, Brendan believed Luke was just away for work, so how could she explain dating someone else when she was married to him still? Brendan was a smart kid, though. He'd asked her questions in the last year before he left about Luke and when he'd be home. Rita had this weird sense that he was testing her to see if she'd tell him the truth or not. She knew that was an irrational thought, though, because he didn't know the truth.

Or did he?

But how could he know? Did that mean Luke knew? She suddenly needed to change the subject to stop her heart from aching and her brain from racing.

"What's the biggest thing you miss?" she asked Travis. "About being a kid?"

"Very deep," he joked, stroking his chin thoughtfully. "Alright, I'll entertain it. I guess I'd have to say I miss knowing that if I was scared, someone bigger than me could keep me safe, like Mum. Now, I'm the bigger one, and there's no one I can run to and hide under anymore."

"I was not expecting that," Rita admitted, feeling surprised. Travis chuckled.

"What did you think I'd say? That I missed playing in the dirt?"

"No. I don't really know what I thought, but that was deeper than I expected."

"So what about you then?" Travis prompted.

"I miss running races with my dad," Rita answered, feeling her throat tighten a bit. "I caught on after a while that he was letting me win at times, but I never said anything; neither did he. I mean, he was over six feet...his stride was much bigger than mine." She broke off into a sad kind of laugh and reached to swipe her fingers at her eyes.

"You miss him," Travis noted.

"Every day," she confessed. "Sometimes when I wake up, it hits me like a sucker punch that I am here and he isn't, that I'm doing this without him."

"You think he'd be here fighting?"

"Somehow. Or else he'd be in the background managing things or leading things."

"I'm sorry you lost him," Travis said.

"Me too." She cleared her throat and gave her head a shake. Enough was enough. No crying today. She gave him a smile, and he returned it with a sad one of his own.

They sat there all day, and as the sun went down, Rita caught herself wondering just how long this was all going to go on for.

But she had to admit, the break had been nice, and she was grateful Travis had made her take it after all. As she got ready to reset, she hoped with all her heart that when this was over, she'd still have him as a friend in her life.