Chapter 31.

Stef

"What's going on?" Callie asked, searching our eyes. "Is something wrong?"

"No, sweetheart," Lena assured her. "Not really." She reached out and squeezed Callie's knee. "Honey, I talked to Bill today. He had some news about the adoption."

Callie's eyes widened. "We're not getting adopted, are we?"

"No, I didn't say that," said Lena, patiently.

"Why don't we let Mama say what she has to say?" I suggested. I gave Callie a reassuring wink, and she seemed to relax a little.

"Callie," Lena went on. "It's like this. Bill told me that for some reason, your birth father's parental rights were never terminated when he went to prison. But they've located him, and they're going to be sending him the papers to sign. Once he signs them, we'll be able to legally adopt you and Sophia."

"Oh," she said, letting out a deep sigh of relief. "Okay."

"There's a little more," Lena told her. "Honey, Bill wanted to know if you and Sophia would like to see your father before he signs away his rights to you."

"It's completely up to you, whether or not you want to see him," I told her. "No one is going to force you. But in the meantime, we're hoping you could give us some more information. What do you remember about him, love?"

She shrugged. "I don't know."

"Was he a good father?" I asked her, searching her eyes.

Callie looked at me questioningly. "He never hurt us, if that's what you mean."

I nodded, relieved. "Good. That's good."

"I mean, he wasn't father of the year or anything," she explained. "He drank, and he wasn't around much. But he wasn't some terrible person." She smiled sadly. "We weren't really that close. Sophia was his favorite. She was a total daddy's girl. She took him going away really hard."

"Has he ever tried to contact you girls?" Lena asked her.

She shrugged again. "I used to write to him, but he stopped writing back. I guess he just didn't care anymore, so I gave up."

"Sweetheart," my wife said. "Did you know that your father is out of prison?"

"No," Callie replied, genuinely surprised. "Did he just get out?"

Lena turned to me, and we shared a worried glance. I sighed, knowing my wife was hoping I'd break the news to our daughter. "No, baby," I finally said, gently. "No. It seems he was released nearly a year ago."

Her face fell, and she looked down into her lap. "Oh."

There was an uncomfortable silence, until Lena cupped Callie's chin in her hand, forcing her to look at us. "Honey," she said softly. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," she nodded. "I'm fine."

"How do you feel about seeing him?" I asked her. "Is that something you think you might want to do?"

She shook her head. "I don't want to see him." She looked to each of us. "Can I be excused now?"

"Go ahead, sweetheart," said Lena.

Callie stood up and gave each of us a quick hug, then went upstairs.

"She is not fine," my wife said, once our daughter was out of earshot.

"I know," I agreed, pulling Lena into the hollow of my arm. "Poor kid. As if today hasn't been hard enough. Then hearing this... it's like he left her all over again."

"Do you really think he stopped caring about them?" she wondered.

"I don't know," I sighed, twisting one of Lena's springy curls around my finger. I couldn't imagine ever stopping caring about my babies, no matter what my life situation was. Those five kids made life worth living. "It could be that he has tried to find them," I offered. "They've been shuffled around so much."

"What if he wants them back?" Lena asked, massaging her temple with her fingertips.

"We'll cross that bridge when we get there," I sighed, standing up. "But in the meantime, I better check on her."

I went upstairs, and on a hunch, I passed Callie and Sophia's door and went straight to Lena's and my bedroom. Sure enough, Callie was curled up in our bed, her face buried in my pillow.

"Hi, slug-a-bug," I said, sitting down on the edge of the bed. I touched my fingers to her head, smoothing back a tendril of dark hair. "Today has been pretty tough, huh?"

She lifted her head up slightly to look at me. "I'm sorry I came in here without asking. I just needed some space."

"I don't mind if you come in here," I told her. "You're always welcome, love. Do you want to talk about anything?"

She shook her head no.

"Okay," I nodded. "But if that changes, you know I'm here for you. I'll leave you alone now."

"You can stay," she said softly. "If you want to, I mean."

I smiled, giving her hair one more stroke. Callie never came right out and said what she wanted or needed, but most of the time, I could read between the lines. "Would you like me to lay down with you for a little while?" I asked.

"Okay," she nodded, her face still half-buried.

I settled myself in next to her, and held my arms out. "Come here, baby." Finally, she unglued herself from my pillow, and I wrapped my arms around her. I pressed my lips to her cheek and gave her a kiss. "I love you," I whispered.

"I love you too," she said, rubbing the tip of her nose. She was quiet for a long moment. Then, her voice piped up. "I hate him."

"Honey, you don't mean that," I breathed. My heart ached with sympathy. I knew how it felt to be hurt and let down by my father. Heck, I could practically write a manual on it.

"Yes, I do," she said. "Everything that happened to us is his fault. First he killed our mom, and then he got out of prison, and didn't even bother to call. If he'd come for us, we wouldn't have been hurt so bad." Her face crumpled, and tears spilled down her cheeks. She looked away from me in shame. "I hate that he can make me feel this way."

"Tell me what you're feeling," I said. Her hair, which was always just a little messy, was starting to become tangled. I gently worked the knots out with my fingers as I waited for her to open up.

"I'm scared," she admitted. "If our own father can turn his back on us, how do I know you guys wont too?"

I paused, my hand dropping. "Callie..." I breathed. "Oh, honey. Do you know how much Mama and I love you?"

"Our dad loved us once too," she argued. "And he stopped."

Instinctively, I pulled her closer, resting my chin on top of her head, and I held her tight. "You know, honey, just now, when the three of us were talking downstairs, I was thinking, 'I can't imagine ever leaving my babies.' And I really cant. Most of the time, I feel like I have five separate hearts running around outside of me. It's you kids."

Callie looked up from my chest briefly. There was a hint of curiosity in her eyes.

"I don't know your father's reasons for staying away," I told her. "Only he does. But Mama and I will always be there for you and your sister. When we go before the judge and adopt you, we'll be making a promise to love and care for you for the rest of our lives."

I dried her tears with my sleeve and kissed the top of her head. "I know it's hard for you to trust in anyone, but you can trust in us. And you can take that to the bank, my love."

Callie let out a gush of breath, and her finger went back to her nose, stroking it slowly to calm herself.

"I don't have such a good relationship with my father either," I admitted. "So, in a way, I do understand what you're going through."

She sniffled softly. "What happened?"

I looked toward the ceiling, and tears stung my eyes. "My dad and I were quite close when I was a little girl. We both liked baseball, we had the same sense of humor, and I inherited his sweet tooth. But when I got to be around Sophia's age, and realized I was different, things changed between us."

"He didn't want you to be gay," she guessed.

I nodded. "He doesn't approve of my marriage, or the way I raise you kids, and we've said some hateful words to each other. I try to tell myself that I don't need him in my life, but deep down, I do love him, and I want him to love me. I'm a part of him, like you're a part of your father. In your heart, I'm sure you still love your dad, too."

"Yeah, I guess so," she said. "But it doesn't change the fact that he let us go through hell over the last year."

"He probably didn't know," I reminded her. "Most people don't really know how hard life can be for kids in the system. Maybe he can't provide for you right now, and he thought you were better off where you were?"

She snorted a little.

I paused a minute, planning how to word my next thought. "It's also possible that he hasn't forgiven himself for what happened to your mother. That must be something that's very hard to live with. I can't imagine the guilt he must feel."

"You think that's why he's stayed away?" she asked me. "Because he feels guilty?"

I nodded. "You've seen how Sophia's struggled with taking a life. But imagine if the other person was someone you loved."

She shook her head, as if pushing the thought away. "I don't want to talk about it anymore. I'm tired."

I believed her; it had been a long, stressful day, even before the situation with her father surfaced. And she was still barely sleeping at night as it was. "Then lay down," I told her. "Close your eyes. I'm right here." She did, and I sat with her, rubbing her back in slow circles until she fell asleep.

Callie

I woke up in my moms' bed, covered with a blanket that hadn't been there before. The room was dark. Rolling over, I looked at the glowing clock radio on the nightstand. It was seven-thirty, and my stomach was growling.

Stretching, I rolled out of bed and went downstairs. The kitchen light was on. Stef and Lena were standing at the sink, doing dishes, talking quietly. I cleared my throat, to let them know I was there.

"Hey there, sleepyhead," Lena smiled. "Did you have a good nap? You slept straight through dinner."

"I'm sorry," I apologized. "I didn't realize..."

"Don't worry about it, babe," Stef interrupted. "You needed it, and we didn't have the heart to wake you up."

"There's a plate for you in the microwave," Lena told me. "We managed to save you a piece of chicken before the boys got to it."

"Miracle of miracles," Stef laughed. "Those boys will eat anything that isn't tied down."

I nodded. "Thanks." I got the plate from the microwave and took it to the table.

"Callie," Lena sighed, as I began to slowly eat my dinner. "Mom and I have been thinking. Are you sure you won't even consider seeing your father? We just don't want you to regret it one day."

I set down my fork and shook my head. "I'm sure. I just want to put the past behind me. I don't think Sophia should see him either." I knew my sister would want to see our dad, but I didn't want her to get hurt again if things didn't work out, and he really had abandoned us. It was better just to leave things alone. Nothing good ever came from digging up the past.

"Now, honey, that's not fair," Stef told me. "I know you're just trying to protect her, and like we said, nobody is going to force you to go, but Sophia should at least have the option."

I looked down at my plate, my appetite suddenly gone. "I know. You're right."

"We haven't said anything to her yet," Lena said. "But we can talk to her about it, and if she wants to meet with him, we'll set something up."

"Can I be the one to talk to her?" I asked. Sophia and I always went through tough times together. I never wanted that to change. "Please?"

Stef and Lena looked at each other and finally nodded. "Yes, honey," said Stef. "Of course you can. But remember. It's her choice."

I nodded. "I know."

Sophia was laying on her bed, looking at the picture book of Hansel and Gretel that I'd given her. She seemed sad; she didn't even notice me come into the room.

"Hey, beautiful," I said, getting her attention.

"Hi," she said, looking up.

"Can we talk about something?" I asked, closing the door behind us and sitting down on my bed.

My sister watched me suspiciously. "Something's going on, isn't it?"

I frowned, wondering how much she really knew. "What do you mean?"

She sat up and set her book down. "Mom and Mama were acting nervous at dinner. They would hardly look at me. And you weren't there. It was weird." She studied me through dark, wet eyes. "They're sending us back, aren't they?"

"What?" I said. "Sophia, why do you think that?"

She shrugged. "Maybe they decided they don't want us anymore, because of our PSTD."

"PTSD," I corrected her. "And that's not true, Sophie bug. Moms aren't going to send us back. They love us."

"Then what's going on?" she asked.

I patted my bed. "Come sit by me." She moved to my bed and sat down across from me, her legs folded under her. When she was all settled, I took a deep breath. "Look, Soph. Bill talked to Mama today. He wants to know if we want to see our dad before he signs away his rights to us."

"We can see daddy?" she asked. Her eyes lit up. "When?"

I shrugged. "Nothing's been set up yet. I don't even know if I'm going to see him."

"Why not?" she frowned. "We haven't seen him in so long."

"There's something you don't know," I told her. My heart felt like it was made of lead. "Honey, dad got out of prison a year ago. And he's never even called us. Not even once to let us know." I took her hand and squeezed it. "I'm sorry, but that's the truth."

Sophia's face fell. She was so quiet; only the sounds of our breathing and the hollow sound Brandon pounding on his keyboard in the next room filled the awkward silence.

"Soph, are you okay?" I asked.

She sniffled and looked up. "Maybe he got hit on the head and doesn't remember us?" she said. "Or maybe he's been trying to find us, but just didn't know where to call?"

"Maybe," I said. But I didn't hold much hope. Her first theory only happened in movies or soap operas. And it occurred to me that if he really wanted to find us, there were ways; through the CPS, or with our social security numbers. But I didn't say this to my sister. Instead, I said, "I just don't want you to get your hopes up."

"I'm not," she said. "But I do want to see him."

"I don't know if that's such a good idea," I told her. "I don't want you to get hurt."

"I don't care," she persisted. "I'm going. You can't change my mind."

I sighed, knowing what I had to do. I couldn't protect her if I wasn't there. I reached out and hugged her. "Okay. Then if you're going, I'm going too."

To Be Continued- obviously, the line about Stef's five separate hearts was borrowed from the show. It's my favorite line that's ever been spoken on The Fosters, so i just had to use it here!