Chapter 21

Praxus

My waking, confuse-y, helm achy. All achy, helm wrong and hurting on pillow. And moves hurting. Little moves under blanket. Lost, something part lost-lost from me. Optics doing flicker-blinking, I not seeing, just hurting. Lost-lost gone. Needing Prowl. Needing Ratchet. Need-needing someone. Vocs choking and choking. Vocs hurting. No speaking from my vocs, just tiny sounds, mew-sounds.

"Shh, easy, mechling." One saying, touching my ache-helm. "Just sleep some more, okay? Don't try to wake up yet. You need some more sleep." Touching face, covering my blink-optics.

Vocs whining.

"I know you don't feel good." Softly-softly. "Rest, and you'll feel better. I'll stay with you. 'M not going anywhere."

But Prowl. Need. Need Prowl. Hurts and lost. Mew-sound, mew-sounds.

"Shh…" Arms going around me, holding. Frame warm on my frame, berth-snuggle close. Hand on helm-ache, arm around. Gentle, gentle, steady spark-pulse and polish of good smells. "That's it, just relax and sleep some more."

My letting go of wakes then, sleeping comes, and I go, go to dreams and things not remembering.

I not know how much time passed before I wake up again, but I guess long enough so the glitchings go away. Maybe. I think a little better now. Not all better, but some better. My helm still hurts, hurts awfully. Aches and aches. I don't try to open my optics yet. I just try to get used to how I feel, which is really dreadful.

I feel sick, like tank-sick, and there's helm-ache plus aching in my chest and neck and shoulder, well, my frame. Everything hurts. Maybe it's just an ache in my neck and shoulder, but it's achy enough that all of me thinks I hurt. I not know Everything feels bad except the warm frame beside me and the warm frame holding me.

But now I'm confused because it's not Prowl or Auri with me. Prowl and Auri…

I blink my optics open, wincing a little as some dim light spears through them.

Sideswipe is beside me, completely asleep. That is different. I turn my helm, and then I feel like I could almost laugh because the one holding me is Sunstreaker. Sunstreaker! The non-cuddler. I remember him being a little full of high-grade at the bonding party, but I can't quite imagine him full enough to snuggle me. I really want to laugh, but I don't feel well enough. I feel very sick. Tank-sick. Spark-sick. Also, I don't want to offend him because he'll probably be really and super annoyed when he wakes up all hung-over and clear-thinking. Whenever that will be, I think he will be grouchy at it.

I don't even know what time it is, though. Med-bay is all quiet and barely light.

I peek up, and the skylights just show a night sky.

I wonder what is wrong. I know something is wrong. Maybe very wrong. I feel it in my spark. Med-bay doesn't feel right.

I try to remember anything that might have happened, but my processor does a haze, so I look back at Sunstreaker to ground myself. The panics want me, but I don't want them. Sunstreaker is good. I focus on him. Good Sunstreaker. His optics flicker open, and I brace, not sure what to expect or what to do. I've never seen so much sadness in his optics before. Something is wrong, and he knows, and he doesn't want to tell me. I know because he looks away when he sees me.

"What's wrong, Sunstreaker?" I whisper, and he closes his optics, shutting me out. I feel a tiny tremble run through his frame. He really doesn't want to tell me. It is something bad. It is. Did something happen to me? Is that why I ache? Is that why I feel sick? "S…" I need to know. I need to ask something specifically because I am in so much pain. "Am… am I okay?"

A small slow puff of warm air cycles through Sunstreaker's cooling vents.

"You… you're okay," he whispers. He has a hard time saying it, and he doesn't open his optics. I'm not sure if I believe him, but he hasn't lied to me before.

"I hurt and ache," I say, still whispering, watching his face. He swallows. "I feel sick. Tank-sick."

"You kinda glitched," he whispers. Everything is in whispers, and he speaks evenly, but it is a forced evenly. "You went frantic and ran into some things while trying to get to the beach."

"The beach…?" I don't remember this at all.

"Yeah." He pauses. "Ironhide knocked you out."

I don't remember that as all, either. I realize that I still don't know what's wrong. Would Sunstreaker break my arm if I touched him? My arms are huddled up against my chest. I move one just a little, just enough to place one fingertip on his cheek.

"Could you not?" he says, so I take my finger away.

"What's wrong?" I need to know.

Sunstreaker sighs. "Auri stepped outside of the shield on the beach, and now Soundwave has her," he says. He sounds almost disconnected from the topic, like it not something that matters, so that make me feel confusions. I not know how to react. I'm uneasy. I still not know what's wrong.

I shift, sit up, and all of me hurts when I move. "Owwwwww," I complain, flinching at the pains, and then I wince, wince even more when I look down and see how battered and scuffed some of my armor is. "Sunstreaker, please just explain from the beginning," I say, voice almost a whine because I not feel good, and I feel like crying.

Sunstreaker finally opens his optics again and sits up. He hides his face in his hands for a few long, long seconds. This is a thing he not usually do. He cycles some air. "Prowl and Auri went to the beach. Remember that?" he says patiently.

"Yeah."

"Then, while they were out there, Soundwave showed up outside the shielding." He looks sideways at me like I not know much.

But I know Soundwave. He saved me from getting killed on Megatron's ship, and he was Auri's guardian when she was very little. He was in this med-bay last year because some of the other Cons hurt him, but after he healed, he went back to the Cons because he wanted to, but he did it at a time so Megatron would give Prowl back to us.

"Okay?" I say.

"So Prowl and Auri went over to say hi or whatever." That 'or whatever' part is a little sarcastic and tells me that he is bitter, upset, even though the rest of his words are just quiet and calm.

"I guess I would, too," I say, rubbing at the pains that are around my spark.

"Well, Auri stepped outside of the shield, and now she's gone. Skywarp teleported in and grabbed her."

"But she's with Soundwave?" I ask.

"Yeah. Soundwave sent a message: 'she's safe with me,'" Sunstreaker says.

"He was her guardian, so I guess she'd be safe," I say, not sure what to say. I not know what I'm missing. I need Ratchet, I think, to stop these pains. It's hard to think when I have pain.

Sunstreaker looks at me. He hadn't looked at me once so far, though my optics have never left him.

"She's on the Decepticon ship, Praxus," he says. "You know, with all the Decepticons?"

"Soundwave will keep her safe," I say, ignoring the bite in his tone since it's a fairly common thing. I rub at the pain around my spark some more, needing it to go so I can think again. "He'll keep her safe and bring her back because she'll want to come back to us."

"What are you doing, Praxus?" This seems like an abrupt subject change, and I not really doing anything, so I frown at little at him.

"What do you mean? I not trying do anything." I add this in case maybe he accusing me of something, like playing a trick. I not know.

"With that hand," he says.

"I'm rubbing my chest because it not feel good," I say.

"You know why?"

"I not know why!" I fairly cry. "I not know what's going on, Sunstreaker! And you're being mean and difficult!" I choke back the urge to scream. I press at the tears in my optics.

Sunstreaker shifts and puts his arms around me, holding me. I rest my helm against him and wish I knew or understood what was wrong, what was going on. Sunstreaker never usually holds me or hugs me; he's done it maybe once or twice. Three times? He's doing it now, but everything else feels wrong. I hear him cycle air through his system. I sense the pulse of his spark.

"You spark aches," he says quietly, softly, so gently. "Because its bond to Auri's has been cut."

I shift. I search the feeling in my spark. I feel panic. I feel panic. "S-Sunstreaker-" I not know words.

He rubs my back. "She's been gone for hours, Prax. Like eight hours. Soundwave sent the message about eight hours ago. She would have wanted to come home a whole lot sooner, mechling. She's-"

"No." Can't say that, can't think that. "No," I saying again. "Auri coming back. Just, just delays, delays."

Sunstreaker quiet little time. Long little time. "Okay. Yeah. She was just delayed," he say. I thinking he thinks he lying to me.

I shifting and looking at him, at blue blurring optics. "NO," I saying. "No…"

He smiles. Gentle, gentle smile, teardrop running away from one optic. "Okay." He sniffing. "Let's change out your dented armor so you won't be a mess when she comes back, huh?"

Not sure. Not sure. Maybe screams help? No. I quiet, quiet.

He rubbing my shoulder. "C'mon," he saying gentle-soft. Fingers caring careful going under Praxus armor, taking off Praxus armor, baring this frame and its bruises and scars. Frame hurts.

Mew-sound.

"It's okay." Shushing. Putting on salve and new armor, extra saved armor from the subspace, doing everything because scuffed hands are not moving.

I lying down beside Sideswipe, pillow cool, in new armors, no processing in my helm. Sunstreaker putting blanket on me, rub on chest, lying down beside me, arm over me to touch Sideswipe and not move. Sideswipe still sleeping. Sunstreaker pretending sleeping. I waiting, waiting. Sleeping takes me while I waiting for Auri. Sleeping, sleeping.

Morning time wakes me with some sunshine coming through the skylight.

Waking up to sunlight is strange because I usually wake up earlier. Also strange because Sunstreaker is sleeping beside me. And strange that I'm in my backup armor, and and and

I sit up and rub my chest. I had bad dreams in the night, I remember. I need Ratchet to look after me and sort out whatever is wrong. Maybe I got some high-grade and it glitched me? I scoot off the berth. There is space for another bot. Sides, I think. Maybe Sides was here, too. I don't know why, though. I am unsettled.

I wander down the hallway to look for Ratchet is the most likely place, and I don't feel well. My helm, my frame, my spark. I rub at my chest, but the motion makes me uneasy, so I stop.

Ratchet is in the medics' lounge, just like I thought he would be. His movements are slow and tired as he mixes a little spice into his energon cube. Did he have bad dreams, too? Did Uplink?

"Ratchet?" I say. I whisper. Not sure why I whisper, but I whisper. Maybe because my whole being hurts too much for noise.

He looks over quickly and tries to smile the good morning smile he usually gives me, but it doesn't appear. "Mechling," he says softly. He moves toward me as I go to him, and he hugs me and doesn't let go. He holds me tightly, like I have been gone for a while. He keeps holding me, and this isn't normal. Things that are not normal make me uneasy, so I want him to stop. I want him to act normal and fix my pains so I feel normal, too.

"I had bad dreams," I say. "Bad dreams about Decepticons taking Auri and not giving her back, and Sunstreaker being upset." They are very real dreams, and I can still feel them. "They got in my spark," I tell Ratchet, who is still holding me, "And I don't feel well."

Ratchet holds me tighter.

I sense Uplink come into the room, and I want to see her. I need to see her. I need. I need. Ratchet loosens his hug so I can I look over at her. She also can't smile. And… and it looks like she's been crying a little, this femme who I've never seen cry. I look hard at her optics. She has been crying. Really, she really has.

I feel the pain in my spark and in hers and in Ratchet's. I feel scared. Ratchet holds me close again, and I realize something very bad. Those weren't bad dreams last night. Those were real things. Not dreams. I choking on words.

"Shhhh," Ratchet hushing.

I trying again, desperate, and make one clear word in a tiny cry. "Prol-?!"

"He's not speaking," Ratchet saying, rubbing my back. "He's okay physically…"

I pushing away from Ratchet but not know where to go. Everything screaming in my helm. My spark.

"He's in the room next to yours-"

I running away. I running. Ratchet hurry-hurrying after.

I finding Prowl in room. Quiet Prowl. Too, too quiet Prowl. He lying too still, armor smooth and clean. Ironhide sitting on berth, and Prowl lying down too still, face on pillow, frame on Ironhide lap. Ironhide rubbing, soft rubbing Prowl back. And Chromia sitting in corner. Chromia helm resting on wall, and energon cube empty beside her.

I crawling onto berth, curling sitting. My knees going under pillow so I holding Prowl helm. I touching Prowl helm. I leaning on Ironhide. I hiding my face against Ironhide. Warm, broken, sad Ironhide. All lost. All. Lost.