Chapter 14

"Livin' on a prayer" (edited/extended version 2023)

Bella's POV

It had begun gradually, the change. At first it had just been something in his voice, something that made him sound a bit distant. I had just figured that he had a lot of new stuff to take in, after all college was supposed to be a lot more exhausting than high school. I on the other hand had few challenges to face at school, more than the fact that I ached for Dan on a daily basis. Every class was more dull than the previous and I could not wait to graduate and be able to go to college with Dan. I hadn't really thought much of college choices before meeting Dan, but since he'd had his eyes on the prize since middle school I soon adapted his hunger for higher education and we'd agreed on going to ASU when the time came.

Sure we would rather have applied to a more exotic college or perhaps even one of the Ivy league schools, but neither I nor Dan really had the money to pay for the tuition and only Dan could dream of landing a scholarship at one of the better universities. So we settled for ASU. We visited the school a couple of times, just to make sure we'd chosen the right school, and every time we left we'd agreed that it would be a great school to spend some time at, as long as we would get to go there together. But that was then...

Come fall Dan went away to ASU and I wasn't concerned at all. We'd made plans on how to make it work and I went to visit twice and Dan came home every other weekend. During the week we'd talk on the phone for hours and he would call me every day as soon as I'd gotten home from school and we'd jabber away for hours, comparing life in Phoenix with life at UA. Dan often talked about how much he missed me and ever so often I'd get letters with little poems, funny notes and drawings that he'd made for me. I just couldn't wait to finish high school so I could join him at ASU. We had it all figured out, how we'd get an apartment outside of campus when I'd graduated and how we'd finally get to live together. I couldn't even imagine what it would be like to get to wake up next to Dan every morning.

But it wasn't long before things started to change and I got the feeling that things perhaps wouldn't be as easy as I'd hoped. Dan started sounding more and more distracted as the fall semester passed and almost every time I called he gave me the sensation that he'd rather be talking to someone else. I tried to ignore the feeling, but come Thanksgiving things had gotten out of hand. Dan had given me a long lecture the week before about how he needed to focus more on his studies and that he couldn't be bothered with my incessant phone calls every evening. I had been caught off guard, but had meekly agreed to reserve my calls for the weekend. Dan had always been very ambitious about his grades, but still, this was not Dan. This was someone else.

But afraid of pushing him away as I was, I was prepared to take a whole lot more than restricted phone calls before I gave him up. So instead of confronting him I tiptoed around him, which I can now see probably only bugged him even more. I mean, who wants to be the guy to break a good girl's heart? Not Dan Whitaker.

But by the time of Thanksgiving the situation had become insufferable. Dan hadn't invited me and my family over for Thanksgiving dinner and I knew things were going downhill from then on.. I'd called him in the morning, not even bothering to ask for an invitation to dinner, but just to ask to be given the opportunity to speak to him in private. He on his part did not bother to try and invite me to his family's annual turkey bonanza but instead told me to meet him by the playground close to his house at eleven o'clock. I didn't need more than that to know that the battle I'd been fighting for the last couple of months had been lost.

When I came walking up to the playground I could see him already waiting there for me. He had the same unruly dark curls as when I first got to know him five years past. The same ironic kind of t-shirt. The same big, dark eyes that pulled me in. Even though nothing had changed he couldn't have looked any more different. Somehow, something had changed irrevocably without me understanding how or when it had happened. But now I was sure - this wasn't my Dan.

It was the way he looked at me, like I was this taxing chore that he'd rather just be done with. There was no love or kindness left in the way he looked at me.

"I'm glad we could meet up so soon", he stated, his tone all business.

I acknowledged what he'd just said with a slight nod. I was well aware of the fact that I'd come to face my own funeral and I'd rather just have it over and done with. I wasn't even particularly interested in knowing why things had turned out this way. I just wanted to rip the band-aid off.

"So, say what you're about to say", I said matter of factly. "There's no need to drag it out."

"Well, the thing is… that I don't feel the same way about you anymore", he said after hesitating momentarily.

Even though I hadn't thought him stating the fact could actually hurt me, since I'd already gotten the message, it felt my chest sting. Yes, this was going to hurt, no matter how prepared I'd considered myself to be.

"Don't get me wrong. I really loved you. I just think that going to college has opened my mind up to new perspectives. It's kind of made my previous life feel small", he continued, sounding incredibly self-important.

Who was this guy even? I could feel my blood boiling by what he'd just said and I had to stop myself from slapping him across the face.

"Anyhow, it wouldn't be fair to you to let this go on any further, seeing as my feelings have changed of late. So I think it's for the best if we end this and go back to just being friends", he continued, still sounding insufferably pompous. Once he'd finished he stared at me, trying to look confident while he awaited my reply. Though he put on this urbane and practical facade I knew him well and I could tell that he was in fact very nervous.

"We're not going to be friends", I replied fiercely. I could tell by his facial expression, his mouth slightly gaping, that my reaction had caught him off guard.

"Friends don't treat each other the way you've treated me this past month, stringing me along even though you've known what you wanted all along. So no, we're not going to be friends after this", I continued. I was amazed by the fact that I'd managed to keep my voice steady since I could feel my whole body trembling with anger.

He stared at me incredulously. And I imagined he would. During our entire friendship and then later on when we'd become romantically involved he'd been the one to take the lead and set up rules for how we were going to do things. Me on the other hand had just been along for the ride most of the time, seldom voicing my opinion or objecting. This was a new thing for him, me speaking up for myself.

"But… We've been friends forever. I'm not doing this to hurt you. Isn't it better to just end this before anyone gets hurt?" he replied, his voice erratic.

I raised my eyebrow at him. Was he really that self-absorbed? Was he really that unfeeling? I didn't know this person at all.

"I think we passed that point some time ago", I snarled at him.

He threw up his hands, looking as if he didn't know what to say next.

"I think we're done here. I don't want to hear any more explanations", I interjected before he had the opportunity to reply to what I'd just said. "Feel free to never fucking contact me ever again."

He looked stung by my words. How had he thought that I'd react?

"You don't mean that", he called out, his voice now mirroring the emotions that I was feeling. Hurt. Confusion. Betrayal.

I looked at him intently.

"I don't want you to call me, I don't want you to write me and I want you to stay the fuck away from me from now on. To me it'll be as if you never existed, so feel free to reciprocate that feeling", I spoke slowly, emphasizing on every word that I uttered.

As I looked at him one last time I could tell that his eyes were brimming with tears, threatening to spill over. But I couldn't care about that any longer. He was on his own from this day forward and I'd be damned before I took pity on this asshole. I shot him one last furious look before I turned on my heel and marched away in the same direction that I'd come from.

Yes, I was heartbroken. Yes, I felt profoundly betrayed and playe. But I was also profoundly over abiding the rules Dan had set up for us. I was going to play this by my own rules from now on.