Chapter 38

"I want to know what love is"

Bella's POV

I spent most of the flight to Phoenix in a haze, not able to stop thinking of all the things Edward had said to me on our drive to the airport. Choosing to give Edward a chance at romancing me also meant having to let go of Dan. I wasn't sure I could actually offer that at this point, and not letting go of Dan wouldn't be fair to Edward. How could he, how could we possibly stand a chance with me still stuck on Dan? However, the alternative didn't appeal to me either. I was pretty sure that the feelings I had for Edward weren't romantic, but on the other hand I was sure that they couldn't be considered as the feelings one has towards a friend. Perhaps it was the intimacy that had warped my mind and my feelings into thinking that this was something other than friendship.

But it wasn't just Edward's body and what he could do with it that was calling to me. It was more than that. It was the late night talks we had before falling asleep. The jokes and the muffled laughters in the darkness of my bedroom. The endless anecdotes about all the places he'd visited all over the world that never failed to capture my interest. It wasn't love. It was…comfort, perhaps? Or maybe it was love, just in another form than I was used to? I did have some notion of the fact that my obsession with Flaubert and Brontë might have altered my brain chemistry into believing that falling in love had to be a grand and ardent act for it to be real love. Maybe sometimes love just started with the simple act of someone offering to be your lab partner?

"My baby!"

Renee's cry tore through the buzz in the arrival hall and I was abruptly made aware of the fact that I'd arrived in Phoenix.

"Hi mom", I gasped as she threw herself at me, squeezing me tightly.

"Oh, I've missed you so much, my baby", she shrieked, way too close to my ear, and continued to squeeze me just a bit too tight.

"I've missed you too, mom", I wheezed and gently eased my way out of her embrace. "Is Phil here?"

"He's waiting in the car for us", she said cherily and grabbed my bag. "We left home a bit late and then we had trouble finding a parking spot so I left it to him to find one since I didn't want to miss my baby girl's homecoming." She paused and beamed at me. "You look so grown up all of a sudden. It feels as if it's been more than just a couple of months since you left. How is that?"

"Must be all that fresh air", I said jokingly, trying to avoid a harangue about how I'd gotten through my Dan-crisis and now was a stronger, more mature woman than before. No, mom. That wasn't it. As a matter of fact I hadn't managed to detach myself from the Dan-situation, but instead I had opted for entangling myself in a whole new and complicated Edward-situation. I was no wiser than I had been a couple of months ago. If anything I was more confused than I had been back then.

I could see Renee's mind working, trying to decide if she was going to take the bull by the horns and approach the Dan-matter directly or if she should bide her time. Renee was nothing if not predictable.

"Let's not keep Phil waiting", I carried on and grabbed my bag.

"Oh, I almost forgot! We're taking you to dinner at this fantastic Korean place that Phil and I stumbled upon a while back. I know you are not great with chopsticks, but I'm sure they can find some regular cutlery for you. And the desserts…"

As Renee carried on presenting and reviewing the restaurant and the menu I drifted back to my own thoughts. Maybe Edward was right? Maybe this thing that we were doing actually meant something? As he'd said, "you can't imagine Forks without me, and that has got to mean something". Was I missing something that was right under my nose just because I'd been stupid enough to leave my heart back in Phoenix?

After we'd located Phil in the parking lot he took us to the restaurant and it did indeed live up to hype. The food was delicious and the portions were massive, and just as Renee had already foreseen I still wasn't able to handle chopsticks. After a few futile and embarrassing attempts our waiter slipped me a fork and a knife, accompanied with a sympathetic smile. During dinner Renee and Phil happily chatted on, asking what seemed like a thousand questions about my new life in Forks. I knew that both Renee and Phil probably felt guilty about their choice to travel for Phil's work being the reason why I'd ended up in Forks to begin with and I knew they were looking for the faintest sign of unhappiness in my answers. But I wasn't going to give them that. Instead I jabbered on about my fantastic new friends in Forks and all the fun things we got up to, which wasn't a lie really. The Cullens were great friends (some more than others) and we did have fun together. The only problem was that none of them was Dan.

Just as we were finishing dessert, Phil's phone suddenly started ringing and he hurried to get it out of his pocket.

"I'm sorry but I've got to take this call. It's my agent and I've got a pretty good feeling about this call!" Phil said eagerly and rose from the table.

"Honey, don't agree to anything without letting me check the fineprint first!" Renee called after him as he exited the restaurant to take the call outside. Phil's impulsivity combined with Renee's absent-mindedness was a recipe for disaster, so Renee reviewing any contract was sure to be a blind leading the blind situation.

"There was this scout at one of his games a couple of weeks ago who then reached out to his agent. Nothing's set in stone yet, but it's looking pretty good right now", Renee gushed, obviously proud of Phil and his accomplishments.

"That's great. He deserves it" I said cheerily and took a sip of my Coke.

"I didn't wanna bring it up sooner since I didn't know how things would turn out, but if this deal goes through it would mean that Phil and I wouldn't have to travel anymore. Or well, not me at least", Renee added, beaming at me with a wide grin, as if she was waiting for the ball to drop.

"What do you mean?" I asked hesitantly, not sure if I even wanted to open this can of worms.

"It means that Phil would mostly be playing ball in Arizona, meaning that I wouldn't have to travel with him anymore. At least not that often, maybe just once or twice a month for the big games. Isn't that wonderful?" She looked at me, surely waiting for an enthusiastic response to this great news.

But my response to this revelation wasn't undividedly an enthusiastic one and I could feel a cold knot forming at the bottom of my stomach.

"Wow, this is a surprise," I said, trying to sound upbeat and urging my face muscles to mimic the emotion. Renee of course didn't buy it, being hypersensitive to others moods and emotions.

"Oh honey!" she blurted out and reached for my hand across the table. "I know that being back in Phoenix is hard on you because of what happened between you and Dan, but don't you think that…"

At the mention of my old boyfriend I promptly raised my hand to stop her and she halted her tirade abruptly.

"Mom! This is not about Dan", I asserted firmly while looking intently at her. Renee looked caught off guard.

"Well, then what is it, honey? I was sure you'd be happy to…"

"It's not a Dan-thing, mom. This is a me-thing. For one, I actually like living in Forks, believe it or not. I know you think I had this great life here with Dan, but in hindsight I don't think that was a very healthy thing for a girl my age, being so hung up on one person. I mean, look what it got me in the end." I paused for a while, trying to compose myself. I could tell that Renee was struggling not to interrupt me, eager to speak her mind and defending the whole Dan and I-thing, seeing as she was a bit of a chump when it came to love.

"I've got a great group of friends in Forks. It's just great and zero percent complicated at the end of the day. No drama. And I like living with Charlie, and I can tell he likes it too, even though he doesn't say much. We get on really well and it's nice getting to know him, more than during my annual summer visits, you know? The school and the teachers are nice and I'm doing really well too. I know you hated Forks but to me small town life isn't like that. I've actually grown quite fond of it."

Renee looked at me affectionately, still not really convinced after my lengthy speech about all the wonders of Forks.

"Okay then, baby", she finally said. "Of course you can stay in Forks if that's what you prefer. I just want to make sure that you're not making this decision out of fear of what's back here in Phoenix. You know, I mentioned that…"

Once more I had the urge to interrupt her. I was usually very gentle with Renee, but I was too tired to let her get into one of her rants about how love works in mysterious ways. I'd heard enough of her hypothetical scenarios of how Dan and I might end up together in the end after all. I wasn't up for it today, not at all.

"Of course it is a big plus that I won't ever have to risk bumping into Dan leaving my house in Forks!" I blurted out, on the verge of sounding angry. "Of course I don't want to meet Dan after what he put me through." I paused to inhale.

Renee just looked at me, worried now. During the whole Dan-crisis she'd seen me go through a wide range of emotions, from despair to apathy, but anger hadn't been one of them. I'd never been angry at Dan. I had been sad, desperate, hopeless, but never mad.

"I'm still mad at Dan. How could I not be the way he treated me in the end? Of course I'm mad. But this is not me running from Dan. This is me taking the time to realize what might actually be good for ME for once, instead of letting some guy take the lead. I'm at a good place right now, far from the mess I had with Dan, and I want it to stay that way."

I could see that Renee looked remorseful and I assumed she must be feeling guilty about having brought up Dan.

"I'm sorry, baby. I don't mean that your whole life revolves around Dan, but I just wanted to make sure. I won't bring it up again". She reached for my hand once more and squeezed it tight. I squeezed her hand back, even though I was a bit irritated at her for getting me riled up like this.

"So you really like living the small town life then?" she went on to saying, sounding a bit hesitant.

"I guess it's the Charlie in me who enjoys the calm", I answered lightheartedly, trying to ease up the tension that our conversation had provoked. "I know you don't like it, but I think it is kind of nice. I'm not saying I'd wanna live there for the rest of my life, but until graduation at least sounds good to me. Maybe a bit longer, I don't know".

"Oh…"Renee grimaced, looking almost hurt and I realized I'd surprised her with my answer.

"I'm sorry, it has nothing to do with you. I loved living with you, mom. It's just that I feel like I've found my place right now and it just feels unnecessary and complicated to uproot myself right now, since I'm probably heading off for college next year anyhow."

Renee looked reassured by my words.

"But then you'll be coming back to Phoenix, right? For college I mean. You've always wanted to attend ASU", she said, almost pleadingly while once more squeezing my hand.

"Um, well. I've actually been looking into alternatives. There's this college in Seattle that seems pretty cool. I'm just considering all my options right now."

I could tell that Renee was trying to conceal her disappointment.

"Of course you have. I bet some of your friends will be going there too? That would be nice, not being all on your own in this new experience", she said warmly.

"I'm really sorry, mom. It feels like I'm rejecting you and everything that's related to Arizona. That's not what this is. It's just… The whole ASU-thing was a Bella-and-Dan-thing, and perhaps not so much a Bella-thing. I mean it might be, but right now I can't really remember MY reasons for wanting to go there. Anyhow, nothing is set in stone. I've still got plenty of time to figure this one out. I just feel like I'm in this process of figuring out what I want, instead of what Dan and I used to want."

She smiled at me and patted my hand.

"I know what you mean, sweetheart. It's easy to get carried away when you're in love."

Ugh, that word!

"I think it sounds healthy that you're trying to figure out what you want. All I want for you is to be happy. If you want to stay in Forks of course you can stay in Forks. And if you want to go to college in Seattle instead of attending ASU you should do that too."

"Thanks, mom."

She smiled at me lovingly and then leaned back into her seat, letting go of my hand.

"I knew there was something different about you when I met you at the airport. You're growing up, aren't you?" she said, looking both happy and sad at the same time.

"You knew I would sooner or later", I said and smiled meekly at her. I realized I'd never given much thought to the fact that she probably felt like she was missing out on a lot of important changes in my life, her being here and me being in Forks. We'd always been really close and she had always known every single detail of my life, but these few months apart had already created this huge gap between us. There was already so much she didn't know about me. How big would this gap be in a year? In two years?

I suddenly felt my phone buzzing in my pocket and I reached for it.

So… It's been seven hours, and I'm seriously considering climbing your window just to be able to sleep in your bed tonight. Sorry, that was clingy AF. But also true.

I tried to hide my smile, but my face betrayed me and I could feel myself grinning at the screen. I decided to reply when I was in the privacy of my room since I assumed I'd have a hard time replying to this without smiling like a total dork.

Of course my change of mood hadn't escaped Renee's notice and I could feel her burning eyes on me as I looked up after tucking away my phone again.

"So when are you going to tell me?" she finally blurted out. "I mean Charlie may not be the brightest bulb in the tanning bed when it comes to these things but even he has noticed that this Edward boy is something special." She had a big grin on her face and I could tell she was dying for some tea.

I felt my cheeks getting warm and I cursed myself for not having a better poker face. But I never had been a good liar.

"Well, it's pretty unclear at the moment actually", I started, but then hesitated. "We're figuring things out. Or I'm figuring things out I should say. He's already pretty clear about the fact that he likes me." I could still feel my cheeks burning and I fiddled awkwardly with my hands.

"He said that he likes you?!" Renee burst out excitedly, loud enough to turn heads at the tables closest to ours.

"That he did", I answered, offering her no further information about then how and when.

"You have to give me more than that. Has anything happened between the two of you? Do you like him?" Renee looked at me like a dog waiting for his owner to throw him a bone.

I decided to avoid the question of what had or hadn't happened between us. I was a bad liar and I knew I wouldn't be able to lie to Renee about that one if I started to divulge the matter. And Renee was clumsy as hell, and even though she knew that Charlie was much more conservative than she was I wouldn't put it past her to be clumsy enough to mention it to Charlie, which probably would be the end of our slumber parties.

"Sure I like him. He's the most interesting person I know. He's funny, he's kind, he's beautiful. He's a whole bunch of good things. I'm just not sure… I'm not sure I can reciprocate those feelings at the same level right now and I don't think that's fair to him, me not being able to let my guard down. He's said it doesn't matter, but I don't know. It doesn't feel kind", I finally answered, looking for a reaction to my answer in her face.

She remained quiet for a bit, clearly pondering what I'd just said.

"Well, honey. Maybe things don't always have to be so black and white? I mean do you have to decide if he's your boyfriend or not today? Maybe you could just take it slow? I mean if that's what you want. I know I might not always have set a great example for you in that department. I know I can be pretty intense when I think I've found the right guy. But I don't think that's the way it HAS to be, you know? If he thinks it's fine taking it slow, knowing that you need to take your time, but still giving him a chance, is that necessarily unkind?"

Well, it might be since I keep coming back to the thought that I still might love Dan. Or to the thought that I could never love someone else like I loved Dan. Or maybe because I now knew that Edward really, really, REALLY liked me and it would be crushing if this didn't work out. So yes, unkind fit the description pretty well.

"Perhaps", I answered vaguely so as to avoid delving deeper into the subject. I had no answers regarding the whole Edward-situation, not even for myself. I definitely didn't have any good answers for Renee.

"And of course you can choose to not choose a guy at all right now", Renee added anxiously, probably suddenly remembering that she shouldn't be coaxing her daughter into throwing herself at every boy who said he liked her. "There will be plenty of time for boys in college too, at least that's what I hear." I was well aware of the fact that Renee had high hopes for my college experience and that she'd in a way get to experience it through me, seeing as her own college plans had evaporated when she had me.

"Noted", I answered gently, finally putting an end to the topic. I could tell that Renee was nowhere near done talking about Edward, but as if I was being saved by the bell I could see Phil finally returning from his never-ending phone call.

"We're homebound, baby!" he called out to Renee and took her in his arms.

"Are you serious? But I told you not to agree to anything before I'd gotten to go through the details?" she exclaimed incredulously, but also sounded happy.

"Oh, come on, babe. It's a great deal", Phil defended himself and kissed her to shut her up.

Yeah, they'd probably lose a substantial percentage of that 'great deal'.

As Renee and Phil chatted away about the details of his new contract I could feel my phone buzzing in my pocket once more. Seeing as I wasn't the center of attention at the moment I fished it out of my pocket.

Was that too much? I wasn't implying that I missed the sex part of our friendship. Or whatever this is. I just missed YOU.

I smiled at my phone. How could this Greek god seesaw between being so confident and so insecure? If he hadn't been foolish enough to fall for the most indecisive girl in Forks he wouldn't have had to have these doubts, I thought to myself.

My phone buzzed once more.

I really hope your mother didn't happen to see these messages. If she did I'm so so so sorry. I didn't ponder the possibility that she might see your messages. I'm gonna stop now, before I embarrass myself. Further. Miss you!

So insecure. Still, I decided to put his mind at ease and reply to his messages.

No worries. Our secret is still ours to keep. I'm having dinner with my mom and Phil. Charlie has been running his mouth so now I have to answer a million questions about you. I miss you too.

He took a whole 45 seconds to reply to my message.

Charlie has been talking about me? I knew he liked me! If I only knew how to make you like me :( Say hello to your mom from me btw. So have you managed to make some plans for how you'll be spending the week? Anything fun?

How could he even type that fast?

Renee and Phil were still in their own world, talking about their future, so I decided to take advantage of the lack of attention and answer him directly.

I already like you, Edward. Nothing is set in stone, but we're gonna hit the beach tomorrow and then we're going to visit a couple of thrift shops. I don't think we'll be doing anything special really.

Or meeting anyone special, seeing as that was actually the question he'd wanted the answer too. I tucked my phone into my pocket and decided that I wasn't going to feed him any more affirmations about whether or not I cared for him or if I still cared for someone else. He'd have to start trusting in the fact that I meant what I said and that I was being completely transparent with him in this matter.

"What do you say about heading home to celebrate, honey?" Renee said, beaming at me. "The night is still young and we've got some champagne at home. You can have a glass, if you promise you won't mention it to Charlie."

I could tell that Phil was mildly uncomfortable at the thought of celebrating his new contract by having champagne with a minor. He probably wasn't aware that Renee had been offering me champagne from time to time since I was 15. I'd always turned down the offer though since I'd never really been interested in trying alcohol before. I'd only ever tasted it once, at prom, from a pocket flask that one of Dan's friends had offered me. It had tasted horrible and I hadn't been eager to relive the taste since. But I didn't want to dampen the mood so I decided to go along with it.

"Champagne it is!" I said cheerily and finished the last of my Coke.

Author's note

So here I go again. I know this chapter is WAY overdue and that my previous readers probably have given up on this fic. I haven't though! I got into the fanfic realm once more about a month ago and decided that I have to finish what I started. I hope this rather long chapter might somewhat make up for my lengthy absence.

On another note, I started this fic many years ago, not knowing very much about writing or fanfics. English is not my first language and I probably should have spent more time on spell checking and grammar. I'm in the process of editing and correcting my previous chapters and I will be updating them continuously. I will also be extending some chapters and also adding some facts to some, and also trying to correct some previous factual flaws. However, I would like you to bear in mind reading this fic that english is not my first language and that I do spend a fair amount of time writing these chapters, constantly consulting the thesaurus and grammar guides. I know that errors in grammar may be very annoying to some readers, but some of the messages I've been receiving about the flaws of my texts were uncalled for and made me lose my desire to finish this fic. So please be kind and I'll do my best to improve my writing.

I hope you enjoy this chapter! I'm already in the process of finishing the next one and I plan on publishing it this weekend.