Chapter 40
"It's a mistake"
Bella's POV
My week in Phoenix flew by quickly, probably because of the full schedule that Renee had planned for us. Every day had been a haze of visiting different coffee shops and restaurants, hitting the beach and browsing several thrift shops. I could tell that Renee was going out of her way to keep me busy, most likely because of her bad conscience for having sent me off to live with Charlie. I supposed it might also have something to do with the fact that she was still hoping that I'd change my mind and come back and live with her and Phil now that she was bound for Phoenix on a more permanent basis. She hadn't broached the subject again, but I could tell she was working up to giving one final speech before my stay had ended.
I had contemplated the alternative of going back to staying with my mind. I really had. However, so much had changed in these past couple of months. When I'd moved in with Charlie in January it had mainly been to escape Phoenix. Renee's and Phil's move had just been a very convenient coincidence at the time, giving me an excuse to leave the city behind. I think that my mom might have been partly positive about accepting the move just because she knew I'd be glad to get away too, even if it meant being sent off to Forks to live with a parent I hardly knew. I hadn't been doing too well after the breakup and even though I was still managing school I spent the rest of the time brooding over what had been in the solitude of my room.
But so much had changed. I had a whole new life now, as I'd explained to Renee. I'd rekindled my relationship with my father. I had more friends than I'd ever had in Phoenix, and good friends at that. I was doing well in school, excellent actually. I had Edward. Well, perhaps I didn't actually have him. But if I chose to I could, I supposed.
We'd spent the entire week texting back and forth. He hadn't called me, but I could tell that he really wanted to. He'd tried to steer clear of the subject of whether or not I was choosing him but in every other message he'd sent me there were hints of how badly he wanted my answer. He tried to cover his desperation up with inquisitive messages about our daily activities, and from time to time bold messages regarding what he was going to do to me once I was back home. But the true intent of his messages still seeped through. It was a combination of wanting an answer, but also making sure that I wasn't hooking up with Dan.
And of course I'd thought of Dan every day I'd been back in Phoenix, because he was everywhere. He was in my room, in my bed, in my living room. I'd gotten rid of most of the things that he'd given me over the years, but still, he was everywhere. There wasn't a book that I owned that he hadn't borrowed, and I also knew his opinion of everyone of those books. I saw him sitting in my chair in my room, reading my favorite book. I saw him standing next to me in the bathroom while I was brushing my teeth. I could feel him breathing down my neck while I was laying in bed. It wasn't me missing him or being in pain because of his presence. It was merely a fact. He was everywhere in my home and there didn't seem to be a way of exorcizing him from it.
"All I'm saying is that you can't compare the way we were raised with how kids today are being raised. The world is a tougher place now and I think it's more important than ever for kids to have boundaries."
Phil's words interrupted my thoughts and I was thrown back to my mother's kitchen. I hadn't been listening to what they were talking about for a good while and I had no idea what they were arguing about.
"Well, what I'm saying is that I think that too many boundaries only ends in kids lying to their parents and ending up in far more trouble than if their parents had been a bit more relaxed", Renee insisted.
And of course she would insist upon that, I thought to myself and smirked slightly. Renee had always been a very allowing parent and had hardly ever denied me anything, within reason of course. If I had been a more rebellious child her relaxed mindset probably would have led to a few minor catastrophes at some point, but seeing as I'd always been pretty much pristine her relaxed take on parenting hadn't caused any major damage.
"Am I missing something or am I about to become a big sister?" I asked, making both Renee and Phil go silent. Phil stared at me dumbfounded.
"I'm just asking if you are planning to raise a child together anytime soon since you both seem to be so invested in this question?" I proceeded asking jokingly.
I knew this wasn't actually an issue, but I'd said it as a way to end their bickering. I knew very well that my mom didn't want any more children and seeing as Phil was in the middle of his career I'd assumed he wasn't thinking about it either.
"Oh honey", Renee said anxiously, obviously mistaking my joke for the fear of an only child fearing to be replaced by a younger sibling.
"I'm gonna stop you right there. I was only kidding", I interrupted her. "Joke, as in ha-ha?"
Phil burst out laughing, a slightly panicked and awkward laughter.
"There's that sarcastic sense of humor again!" he added. "You're just a bit too clever for your mom and I."
Renee proceeded to laugh too, her too sounding a bit nervous. Had I hit a nerve or something? I looked at them, trying to decipher if there was something more than met the eye in their reactions to my joke.
"Well, I think it's time for dessert!" Renee exclaimed and got up from her seat.
From her reaction I deduced that there maybe was something more to their reaction and I concluded that I'd have to bring the subject up again when we were alone.
"I was actually thinking of going for a walk instead. I'm really full and I suppose that the tub of Ben and Jerry's will hold until tomorrow?" I said jokingly and stood up.
"Of course it will. But please don't wander too far from home, and bring your cellphone with you, okay? You know I get nervous when you're out late at night", Renee added warily.
"Mom, it's only 8 pm. I'll be fine. But yes, I'll bring my phone", I sighed and rolled my eyes. She smiled at me and proceeded to collect the plates that were still on the table.
I headed upstairs to grab my phone. As I picked it up I saw that I'd gotten another message from Edward.
So am I the only one counting down the hours until tomorrow afternoon when I get to see you again? Xoxo Needy boy
I smiled to myself. He wasn't the only one counting the hours, but I wasn't going to let him in on that piece of information. Ever since Edward had revealed his true feelings I'd felt myself holding back, afraid of what he'd make of the slightest affectionate gesture on my part. I felt as if I was standing at a crossroads where my only two options were being all in or all out. There was no middle ground and I still wasn't sure of which side I was standing on.
You only want me for my body, is that it? Xoxo A piece of meat (?)
I sat down on my bed and waited for his reply. Seeing as I was the epitome of uncoordinated I knew I wouldn't be able to take my walk and answer his texts at the same time, at least not without breaking a leg or two.
Oh come on, Bella. Stop fishing for affirmations of my affection without giving me the slightest hint of it in return. You know I'm all in, both regarding your body and mind. Can't I just say that I miss you without you trying to pass it off as a joke?
Oh boy. These were the kinds of texts I didn't want to be receiving right now. Wasn't it enough that my head and heart was in a jumble since I was back in Phoenix, aka the scene of crime? Was I also going to be forced to handle the emotional turmoil that was waiting for me back in Forks? I sighed heavily. A part of me just wanted to leave him on read and head out for a long walk to clear my head.. But I decided that it would be too cruel and went ahead and answered him anyway.
I'm sorry. I'm just bad with these things. I feel as if I'm caught between a rock and a hard place and I'm afraid to disappoint you. But to answer your question sincerely - yes, I miss you too. Very much.
I hit send and then just sat there, waiting for a reply. It came soon enough.
Can I call you? I've been wanting to call you all week but I wanted to give you your space. We can talk about whatever you want, I won't ask anything of you. I just really want to hear your voice. Please?
I read the text two times. I knew that if he called me we'd start off by talking about whatever. But I also knew that we'd be talking about us, or rather if there was an 'us'. Oh, to hell with it all!
I'm just heading out for a walk, but I'll call you when I get back? Maybe in an hour or so?
He responded in a heartbeat.
I'll be looking forward to it.
I decided not to overthink whatever it was that we would be talking about in an hour and then tucked my phone into the pocket of my pants.
I then headed out into the darkness of the night. Taking a stroll around my old neighborhood under the light of the stars had a pleasantly calming effect on me and I could feel my mind go quiet, temporarily emptying out all the exhausting thoughts I'd been carrying of late.
I was just about to head back home when I suddenly saw the silhouettes of two joggers approaching me at a rapid pace at the end of the street. Even though they were still at a distance I didn't need to look twice to see that one of them was Dan. I would forever be able to recognize his face in a crowded room.. It was unmistakingly Dan Whitaker that was jogging in my direction.
All the times I'd pictured this scenario in my head I'd always opted for flight instead of fight. I'd run in the other direction as soon as I'd set eyes on him and never look back. Yet, in reality my body responded in a totally different manner. I was frozen where I stood and even though my mind was screaming at me to run I couldn't. I just stood there, watching him come closer.
Suddenly he halted and just stood watching me as I was watching him.
"Bella?" he gasped incredulously, staring as if he couldn't believe what he was seeing. His unruly locks of hair stuck to the sweat on his forehead and his cheeks were burning fiercely red from the exertion. Still, there was no denying that he looked amazing.
"Hey, Bella!" I recognized his friend, Nathan. I'd hung out with Dan's friends on countless occasions through the years and it was a strange feeling to meet him like this in the dark of the night, both of them strangers to me now.
"It's good to see you, Nathan. How's college treating you?" I forced myself to ask and focused my gaze on him, ignoring Dan.
"It's been really good. I mean it's a whole new experience. Having Dan around has helped stay grounded, thankfully", he answered my question heartily and smiled at me.
Nathan was a good guy. He'd always been friendly to me and he'd always tried to include me in their friend group. I was sure he knew every little detail about our breakup and here he was trying to ease up the mood in an obviously very awkward situation. You had to love him for it.
"And how are you? How's junior year treating you?" he went on, glancing in Dan's direction, as if urging him to speak.
"It's been good actually. There's more pressure than before, but I'm doing pretty good actually", I answered, trying to sound casual.
I could feel Dan's eyes burning on me, but I refused to look at him. I knew I'd lose my composure if I looked at him.
"And how is the state of Washington treating you? How's the…" Nathan started, but then caught himself. I hadn't met or spoken to Nathan since October last year and it was obvious that Dan had been the one to tell him about my move. They had been talking about me.
"I mean, Dan told me that…" Nathan continued anxiously, trying to salvage the situation.
"That I've gone off to live with my dad, yes", I answered coolly. " I mean the climate is very different, but it's been good. I've made a lot of new friends and it's been nice spending some time with my dad too." I emphasized the part about the new friends. Fuck you, Dan. My life is so much better without you in it and you might as well know it. I finally glanced in his direction and he still looked shocked by the fact that we'd run into each other like this.
"Anyways, I'm just home visiting my mom during spring break. I'm heading back north tomorrow", I continued.
"That's great. I'm happy for you. We're also just back home for spring break", Nathan said stiffly and once more looked in Dan's direction, urging him to make the situation less awkward.
Dan finally stirred to life.
"And is this move a permanent thing?" he asked hesitantly. He sounded so… vulnerable? He stared at me with a quizzical expression on his face.
The sound of his voice struck a chord in me. I'd almost forgotten the sound of his voice. It sounded like home. I suddenly wasn't able to speak so I just shrugged awkwardly as an answer to his question.
A roaring silence followed and it felt as if time stood still.
"Well, we were just out jogging. We should probably get going now", Nathan broke the silence, but without really stating a reason for their sudden hurry. It was obvious that he didn't want to be caught in the middle in this very uncomfortable situation.
"Yes, of course. It was nice seeing you again, Nathan." It was not nice seeing YOU again though, Dan, I thought to myself and threw Dan a bitter look.
"Actually, could we talk? I'm done running", Dan said firmly, surprising both me and Nathan. He locked eyes with me, not letting his gaze drop.
"Um, sure", Nathan said hesitantly, his eyes oscillating between Dan and I. "I'll just catch you back at uni next week then. And it was good seeing you too, Bella. You should send me an email sometime, it'd be fun to hear from you."
For a few seconds he remained, looking hesitantly at me, as if he was waiting for me to ask him to stay. But I just nodded at him, acknowledging that I'd be fine. I'd have to face this on my own like a big girl.
"Okay, bye then!" he said at last and jogged past me, disappearing into the dark of the night, leaving Dan and I behind.
For a minute Dan just looked at me, just taking me in. I felt a pang of emotions rushing through my body. This was dangerous.
"Renee said you wouldn't be home for spring break. In fact, she insisted that you wouldn't come home. I asked her several times", he said accusingly all of a sudden, sounding as if he'd been betrayed.
His statement caught me off guard. Renee hadn't even mentioned having talked to Dan, let alone the fact that he'd asked about me.
"Well, then she lied, as you can see", I stated as a matter of factly, struggling to keep my voice steady.
"I suppose that makes sense, that she'd lie to me if you asked her to", he said, sounding hurt.
"I didn't even know you'd had this conversation and I haven't asked her to lie to you. She did that on her own. I'll have to thank her for that later", I said harshly.
"I guess I deserved that."
"Yes."
We then stood staring at each other for what seemed like forever.
"I wrote you a hundred times. But I stopped when Renee said you'd blocked me", he went on. "I know I deserved that too."
"I did."
"So you never read any of the emails I sent you?" he asked doubtfully.
"Not since january. I stopped when you guilt tripped me about moving", I sneered at him.
"I was just angry at myself, I think. That I'd let things get so out of hand that it made you want to move across the country", he said cheerlessly.
I shrugged once more. I wasn't going to renounce his assumption that he'd been a contributing factor to my move to Forks.
For a minute he just looked breathlessly at me. He then sighed heavily.
"I've missed you so much and I will regret breaking up with you for as long as I live. It kills me standing here in front of you like a stranger now, given how close we used to be. You used to be the best thing in my life and I shit all over it. I know you won't believe it now, but I will love you forever. You are still the best thing in my life", he finally said, sounding excruciatingly remorseful.
As soon as he'd spoken I felt my stomach sinking. I couldn't listen to this. I didn't want to hear this, I really didn't. As he stood there looking at me with his big brown eyes I could feel the old Bella, the Bella of the past, creeping up on me, being lured in by his words. I didn't want this. There was no going back from where I stood.
"I was so busy doing my new-year-new-me-bullshit that I lost track of what really mattered to me. You. You should have always been my priority. And I can't believe I let it slip out of my hands. I know you probably hate me, but I love you. I love you so much. I miss you every day and if you'd only…" As he spoke he came closer to me, now at arm's length from me.
"Stop!" I blurted out, raising my hand in front of me to stop him. He immediately froze and took a step back.
"You cannot do this to me. You cannot do this to me after five months", I continued desperately, my voice trembling. "I'm doing fine for the first time since you left me. You cannot do this!"
He briefly hesitated, but then continued to speak.
"I know I messed up royally, but I had to say this to you. I would do anything to take back what I did, but I can't do that. I thought there was this whole new world for me to discover at college, but in the end I realized that everything I wanted was you. There is no one that compares to you", he said solemnly.
I suddenly felt an agonizing pain in my chest and I hugged myself tightly. Some part of me had been aware of the fact that of course he'd also moved on. Of course he'd dated other girls. He was beautiful with his unruly dark curls and those big deep brown eyes and he was as smart as a whip. I bet the girls at ASU were throwing themselves at him. But still, having my assumptions confirmed hurt like hell. The fact that he'd been comparing me to someone. I could feel my eyes betraying me as they started tearing up.
"I don't want to know", I said, my voice cracking as I spoke.
"I'm sorry." He paused. "I'm sorry for everything", he said and once more came closer. He reached out his hand and grabbed mine, squeezing it tight. The hand that I'd held a thousand times. It felt like home.
"I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I never told you this", he continued, pulling at my hand, pulling me closer.
"When were you planning on telling me? Were you ever going to tell me if we hadn't met like this?" I whispered, barely audible. I felt myself growing weaker by his touch.
"I sent you a hundred emails. That's why I asked Renee if you'd be coming home for spring break. I figured that if I couldn't reach you any other way I'd have to show up at your house while you were home visiting", he said, his voice brimming with emotion and hope.
I didn't know what to say. I was speechless. A couple of months ago this had been all I'd wanted, for him to come back to me.
"If you can find it in you to ever…" he carried on.
For a moment I played with the thought of letting myself be pulled in and just forget the past, if only for a few minutes. I could have this if I wanted to. Dan could be mine again. It was easy. If I chose to, I could be moving back to Phoenix and we could take up where we left off. I could just pack up and leave Forks and these past five months would only be a gloomy memory. It'd be as if nothing had ever changed.
But too much had changed since and something within me rebelled against the thought. I felt myself taking a step back. My decision had been made subconsciously somehow.
"Just stop, Dan. This doesn't matter anymore. It really doesn't", I cut him off, looking at him intently, willing him to let go of my hand.
"What do you mean it doesn't matter anymore? I still love you and I know I can't deserve you after…" he started but then stopped, realizing what I'd just actually said. He let go of my hand and let it fall back to my side."Oh.I didn't have a clue… Renee never mentioned…" He didn't finish his sentence. Instead he just stared at me with a pained expression.
"Yes, well, she didn't know. She doesn't know. But please, save yourself the speech. It really doesn't matter anymore", I half stuttered nervously.
"Who is he? What is he like?" Dan proceeded to ask, his words dripping with agony.
"Does it really matter?" I asked solemnly and shrugged.
"I bet he likes Flaubert" he said, shooting me a tormented smile.
I just shrugged at his assumption. I didn't even want to mention Edward's name in his presence for some reason. It felt as if those two worlds could never mix.
"Well, I guess I deserved that too", he continued, not managing to maintain his previous smile, and I could tell that his eyes were tearing up too now.
I could feel my tears spilling over at the sight of him crying and I silently wept, still looking at him. I cried for everything we'd lost, love and friendship equally. He had meant more to me and the person that I'd become than any other person in my life, probably even more than Renee and Charlie. Losing him felt like watching these past five years going up in flames. It felt like the severing of a limb.
"I just don't want to lose you again. I can't do that. Please, let me write you sometime. Let me call you. Meet me when you're in Phoenix. Let me be your friend again. I've missed you like hell these past few months. Please?", he asked, his voice cracking too now.
"I couldn't", was all I managed to utter, wiping away the tears that were flooding down my cheeks.
"Won't you even be my friend now? Is that it? We were friends for years before we were lovers", he demanded bitterly. His eyes were burning holes in me.
"Could we even be friends again though? Could you really be my friend, Dan? How would that work?" I asked fiercely, raising my voice at him. "Would that be enough for you?"
I could tell my words made him lose his calm. He just looked at me unhappily and then shrugged and threw up his hands.
"I don't know. I hope I could", he finally whispered, looking intently at me. "I'd like to try."
"That's not good enough. I don't think I could be your friend again, Dan. I don't see how I could…" I trailed off, not knowing how to finish my sentence. I drew a heavy breath and wiped away some more tears from my face.
I couldn't be your friend because I could never forget what you did to me, Dan? I couldn't be your friend because I'd always wonder what could have been? I couldn't be your friend because a part of me would always love you? Maybe the answer was all of the above.
"Bella, please, please, please, please, please", he almost chanted, desperately reaching for me.
He forcefully grabbed a hold of me and hugged me tightly, squeezing me tight to the point where I felt myself gasping for air. He smelled so good, like a thousand happy memories all in one, and for a brief second I buried my nose into his neck and breathed him in. One last time. I could feel him running his hands through my hair and desperately holding me close to him. I could hear him quietly sobbing against my shoulder and I felt my own heart breaking at the sound.
"I will love you forever", he whispered into my ear and then proceeded to firmly hold my face in his hands, looking into my eyes. For what felt like an eternity we just stared into one another's eyes and it was as if nothing had ever changed between us. We were just Bella and Dan, as we'd always been.
Just as his lips grazed mine I felt a pang of guilt in my chest. This was wrong. This was so wrong. This was exactly what I'd promised Edward that I wouldn't be doing. This wasn't fair to him and I was an awful person for doing this to him. I couldn't do this to him. I couldn't do this to myself.
Without thinking any further I threw my head back, his hands losing their grip on my face. I wriggled out of his embrace and took several steps back, leaving him standing looking at me with tearful eyes.
"Bella, it's me. I'm still yours. I'll always be yours. Please", he tried, reaching out his hands for me. His cheeks were streaked by tears.
"I can't do this. You made this bed, Dan. Now lie in it", I stuttered while stumbling backwards. I watched him looking gravely at me one last time and then, once I'd managed to put enough distance between us, I abruptly turned around and ran.
I didn't dare look back as I ran, but I could hear him calling my name from afar. My chest was burning and I gasped for air, but I didn't stop running until I'd reached my mom's house. I threw myself against the front door and flung it open. I didn't care if Renee and Phil heard me. After all, this was partly Renee's fault. If I had known that Dan was home for spring break at his parent's house I wouldn't have ever taken a late night walk around the neighborhood.
"Bella, are you okay?" Renee called out anxiously and came dashing from the living room. "Have you been crying? Baby, what happened?!"
"I'm great, mom. I just bumped into Dan. Thanks for letting me know that he's home for spring break too so that I could avoid walking too close to his street and accidentally bumping into him", I snarled furiously at her and kicked off my shoes.
"Oh, Bella! I'm so sorry!" she cried out, looking as miserable as can be. "I didn't think there was even the remotest possibility that you'd cross paths. And I specifically told him that you wouldn't be home for spring break so that he wouldn't come looking for you."
She reached out, trying to embrace me, but I shook her off.
"Well, how about you don't talk to my ex-boyfriend at all from now on? Huh? Could you do that? Or are you still hung up on the thought that we're star-crossed lovers that will eventually end up together?" I spat at her.
I rarely, if ever, raised my voice at my mom, but the thought of her and Dan conspiring made my blood boil. It felt like a betrayal.
"I'm really sorry, Bella. I promise I won't talk to him again", Renee said remorsefully. "I was being inconsiderate. But what did he say? What happened? Was it awful?"
She looked at me wide-eyed, her eyes brimming with tears also. Did I really need to make another person cry tonight?
"I don't want to talk about it", I snapped at her. "But you are never talking to him ever again unless I say so. I never want to hear him say again 'Renee said this and that', okay?"
"Of course I won't. I'm so sorry, honey. I truly am", she said, looking regretful about the part she'd played in this debacle.
"Hey, what's up?" Phil appeared in the doorway behind Renee. "Did Dan do something to you? Did he hurt you?"
I loved Phil for being protective of me, but right now I just wanted to get rid of both of them so that I could punch a big hole in the wall in the solitude of my room.
"I'm going to bed. I'll see you both tomorrow", I huffed and staggered up the stairs, leaving Renee and Phil staring after me in the hallway.
Once I'd reached my room I carefully closed the door behind me and threw myself across my bed.
"Fuck!" I screamed into my covers, the padding muffling my voice. I punched my pillow hard.
I suddenly became aware of my phone vibrating in my pocket. Double fuck. I'd completely forgotten about calling Edward. I fished my phone out of my pocket and checked the display. Nearly two hours had passed since I'd promised to call him and he'd texted me twice, wondering about my absence.
Are you back from your walk yet or did you get caught up in something else?
I opened the second message.
So, it's been almost two hours and I'm trying really hard not to come off as clingy, but I'm 100% calling you if you haven't gotten back to me in ten minutes. xoxo Needy boy
The thought of having to talk to him in the middle of my emotional turmoil made me cringe, but I couldn't just leave him hanging and I didn't feel like lying to him either. He deserved to know what had gone down this evening so that he could decide for himself if I was worthy of his attention from now on. I didn't know if I was after what had transpired between Dan and I.
I dialed his number and he answered after one signal had gone through.
"Bella!" he said happily. " I was beginning to fear that you'd forgotten about me."
"Hey", I answered him, my voice already faltering at the sound of his voice. I'd missed that voice. Why had I ever tried to deny that I'd missed him while in Phoenix?
"Bella, what's wrong? Did something happen?" he asked, sounding worried. He immediately caught on to the tone of my voice.
"I'm really sorry. I'm a total dumbass, that's what happened", I spoke bluntly. I wasn't going to downplay my part in what had happened tonight. I was going to be completely transparent about what had happened. Even if it killed me.
Edward was silent on the other end for a minute and then finally he spoke.
"What did you do, Bella?" he asked, sounding distressed, as if he was imagining the worst possible scenario.
I took a deep breath.
"I accidentally bumped into Dan."
As soon as I'd spoken those words I could hear him inhaling deeply on his end.
"Go on", he urged me, sounding as if he was in pain.
"It wasn't intentional. I didn't even know he was home for spring break. Renee apparently knew, but she didn't tell me. I just kind of bumped into him and one of his friends while going for a walk", I continued, trying to hold my voice steady. As I'd spoken I realized that I really didn't want to tell him what had happened next, fearing what the consequences of my actions would be.
"So what happened?" Edward asked, his voice suddenly grim.
"He…" I couldn't bear to repeat what Dan had said to me. Not to Edward. These two worlds didn't merge. They shouldn't merge.
"Yes?" he insisted.
"Well, in short, he told me he still loved me and asked me to give him one more chance."
"Of course he did. He'd be stupid not to", Edward replied harshly. "So what? You told him you loved him and now you're getting back together? Is that it?" Edward growled. I'd never heard Edward sounding so angry and hurt.
"No, of course not!" I hurried to object. "Obviously we're not getting back together."
"But you still love him?" Edward half stated, half asked.
I'd been afraid of this question and I didn't know what to answer. I couldn't lie to him but I was also afraid of what the aftermath would be if I spoke sincerely.
"I mean some part of me will of course always love him", I tried.
"That wasn't the question though, was it?" Edward responded coldly.
I cringed at the harshness of his voice, but remained quiet.
"Bella, what did you do that you're now afraid to tell me?" he demanded. "Because I'd rather you just rip the band-aid off and tell me than to keep on guessing."
I took one more deep breath. Perhaps I wouldn't get to choose Edward after this, but I couldn't live with myself if I wasn't being honest in this moment.
"There was this brief moment where I kind of lost myself", I started, trying to keep my voice steady, even though I was trembling. "There was this brief moment where I kind of relapsed and the thought of taking him back crossed my mind."
I heard Edward making a noise on the other end and I could picture him wincing at what I'd just said.
"There was this moment when he hugged me and everything felt as it did a year ago. And then he tried to kiss me", I almost whispered the last part and then waited for his response.
A long silence followed.
"And then what happened?" he finally asked, sounding dejected.
"I pulled away and got out of there. I didn't kiss him. I couldn't", I hurried to answer, hoping that this part would count for something when he was calculating whether or not I was worth wasting his affection on.
Another long silence followed.
"I'm so sorry, Edward. I'm so sorry for what I did. I know I promised you that nothing like this would happen, but I didn't plan for this to happen. I can't tell you how sorry I am, truly. I really care about you and I should have just left as soon as he started talking about having feelings for me. I don't know why I was so stupid and now I'm afraid that I've ruined this, and I really don't want to stop seeing you. That's what I was going to tell you tomorrow when I got back home…"
"I'm sorry, but I can't listen to any more of this right now", he suddenly interrupted me, his voice still icy. "I've got to hang up."
I felt my stomach sinking.
"Okay", I said carefully, afraid to push him over the edge. "But can we please talk tomorrow when I'm home again? I really don't want this to end like this. I don't want this to end at all."
"Yeah, and what do you want then, Bella?" he snapped at me.
He waited for my reply for a few seconds, but I couldn't come up with a good enough reply.
"That's what I thought. How about you get back to me when you do know what you want? Because your indecisiveness is kind of giving me a whiplash", he continued, the edge of his voice cutting me up like razors.
He then proceeded to hang up on me. I stared blankly at my phone for a long while. Yes, I'd deserved that.
Author's note
I'm sorry for the delay but I got a little carried away when writing this chapter, finding myself not being able to stop writing. I hope you enjoy this heart-wrenching chapter! I'll be posting the next chapter in a couple of days.