Chapter 44

"Under pressure"

Bella's POV

When we were done "practicing making beautiful trailer park children", as Edward had put it, we lay entwined talking about everything under the sun. Every time I thought I knew all there was to know about him he'd throw in a new piece of information. I couldn't quite grasp how his parents had managed to both have successful careers, have three children and two adoptive children AND having traveled the world. It just didn't add up.

"Well, I mean, that depends on how you define a successful career. Not to be condescending or anything but my mom's job is more of a hobby than a career. She'll take on commissions from time to time, but during most of my childhood she was just a stay-at-home mom. I don't mean anything condescending by it, I'm just saying she's spent a lot of years taking care of us and our home so that my dad could excel at his career. Anyhow, now that we're all older and can take care of ourselves she has more time to spend on her career", Edward explained defensively, almost sounding as if he was trying to defend his parent's choices.

I rested my head against his chest as we lay close together in my bed, our arms and legs tangled together in a big heap of limbs. I raised my head up to face him, studying his features. His eyebrows were furrowed tightly and he was clenching his jaw firmly. This was apparently a sensitive subject to him

"I'm sorry, Edward. I didn't mean to question your parents. I'm just amazed by all that they've managed to achieve. It's impressive", I spoke softly and let my fingers trail along his jawline. I could sense how he relaxed at my touch.

"Yeah, I know. They are", he concluded, not offering me any more information.

I continued studying his face. I'd noted before that he seemed to have an ambiguous relationship with his family. In the beginning, when we'd gotten to know each other, he'd used his parent's ongoing renovation as an excuse to avoid having me over. Seeing as almost three months had past I doubted the fact that his parents were still renovating their house. Nevertheless, he'd never offered me to come over, always suggesting we hang out at my place or somewhere else. I suspected part of the problem was the issues his family had been having with Jasper and his highly undefined troubled past. Not Edward nor his siblings had ever tried to explain the specifics regarding Jasper's problems, but by the way they all reacted to the subject I figured it must have been something bad. Whenever I mentioned or asked about Jasper Edward and his sibling would give vague answers and then go on to change the subject. It was loud and clear that none of them were eager to talk about him.

I also suspected that the fact that his parents never seemed to care if he slept in his own bed or mine, or care about what he was up to in general, might be a part of the equation. I was aware that Edward defined them as "relaxed" and "not very conservative", but it just seemed very odd to me that his parents would be so happy-go-lucky concerning his whereabouts. Or the fact that they didn't mind him spending every other night here without ever having met me. I could be the devil for all they knew.

I knew that Edward was a pretty capable liar, but I somehow doubted that he'd be able to lie to his parents in the long run when he spent so much time away from home. I wondered if maybe he was a lot more like me than I'd previously guessed. I wouldn't go so far as to call Renee a bad parent. I'd always known how loved I was and most of the time she'd done what she thought was good for me. But she also had a side to her that was impulsive, and at times even slightly self-centered. For as long as I could remember she'd always acted on her whims, and many of the times she'd failed to see how her choices affected me.

We'd moved around a lot under the pretense that getting to know new places would be good for me. It hadn't dawned on her until I was eleven that it might also be good for a child to stay in one place, make some friends and establish some routines. When we'd been living in Phoenix for six months she one day mentioned the possibility of us moving to San Diego since a friend of hers was in the business of opening up a yoga studio and she'd offered Renee a position as her right hand. For one, I'd seen Renee jumping at opportunities like these a gazillion times before and I didn't believe that it would be her big break this time either. None of her friends seemed to have a keen sense for entrepreneurial endeavors and the majority of them had been closing their businesses as soon as they'd been starting them.

But first and foremost, I was done moving around, going from town to town, never able to keep the friends I'd gained. I was over it. I knew it had irked Renee slightly in the beginning when I'd demanded that we remain in Phoenix. She was a restless soul and she wasn't used to staying in the same location for too long. I wasn't either, however not by choice. Luckily enough she'd met Phil pretty soon after I'd decided we should remain in Phoenix and I still suspected he was the main reason that we'd really stayed. Phil was a homebody and he'd lived in Phoenix all of his life. Sure, his job forced him to travel quite a bit, but at the end of the day he always wanted to return to Phoenix.

So yes, I had some concept of what it was like to have a parent who primarily focused on themselves. I figured Dr. Cullen and his wife probably had more noble reasons for having somewhat let go of their youngest son, Jasper being the way that he was, but still. Even though their reasons were different the outcome ended up being pretty similar.

"Do you ever wish that your parents had stayed together?" he suddenly asked.

"Nope", I answered instantly. It was an easy question that I'd pondered hundreds of times throughout my childhood. "I'm not trying to sound condescending either, but Charlie deserves way better", I added.

"How come?" Edward inquired.

"Sure, it might have been better for me to have Charlie around growing up. It probably would have been. But Charlie wouldn't have been happier having my mom around, regardless of how he romanticizes their short marriage in hindsight. My mom loved being in love with Charlie, but I'm not so sure of how much she actually loved him. Anyhow, she was never happy with the small town life and she would have made him unhappy if she'd stayed", I offered.

He remained silent for a minute, considering what I'd just said.

"You have this thing that you do. You always consider their feelings over yours", he went on to saying pensively , "It's an admirable quality. But I'm not sure it has served you well."

"Aren't you the same way, though?" I replied softly, doing my best not to make it sound like a challenge or a retort.

"I suppose I am, in some way", he replied shortly.

We both remained silent for a minute.

"But I find myself wanting to choose myself and my own desires more and more ever since I met you, ignoring the wants and needs of others", he suddenly added.

"Yeah? How so?" I inquired. I could sense that he was on the verge of opening up to me, but I didn't want to push him too hard, risking he'd shut down again.

"Well, it's this whole Jasper thing really", he proceeded to say. I remained breathless, barely daring to breathe out of fear that he'd change his mind and decide not to share what he was about to share.

"We all just spent a really long time living in his shadow I suppose. I know he's been going through a really hard time, but so have the rest of us. I've renounced having any friends outside of my immediate family out of fear of what it would be like if I ever brought someone over. It's not like I would've chosen to have my siblings as my only friends in high school if I'd felt I had another option. The only reason I dared to approach you, I think, is the fact that I'd been feeling for a long time that I'd had enough of living in Jasper's shadow. I don't think I've ever told you, but I was the driving force in the decision of Jasper leaving Forks. Sometimes I feel bad about it. Selfish, you know? But I mean, aren't I allowed to have needs too? Why should it always be about him?" He spoke his last questions with intensity.

"I know what you mean", I replied shortly, not wanting to interrupt him or make him stop talking now that he'd finally opened up.

"Anyhow, I know I should probably feel bad about it, I know some members of my family think I should, but it's like this huge weight has been lifted off my chest now that Jasper's not living with us anymore. It's like I can breathe again", he continued.

I considered what he'd just told me. It wasn't exactly the same as my relationship with Renee, but in the end it amounted to having to put someone else's needs above your own. And I knew a lot about that.

"I don't know if it matters, but I've never cared about this whole Jasper thing. I mean, I know it's hard on your family, but it has never been anything that I've found off-putting. In case you ever thought I did", I at last spoke carefully.

I could feel him squeezing me tight, kissing the top of my head.

"Thank you, Bella. I'm sure it hasn't escaped you that I've been trying to keep you separate from the life I have with my family, except for Rose and Emmett that is. And it's entirely a my-family-is-batshit-crazy-thing and not at all about you. I hope you know that", he answered softly while letting his fingers gently trail along my arm, making me shiver.

I nodded. No, it hadn't escaped me, but I'd never actually thought it was about me, not even when Edward and I had only been friends. I'd grasped the Jasper thing pretty early on.

"But what's gonna happen when he comes back?" I asked hesitantly. "Are you going to be able to trust him? Trust that he's doing better?"

He carefully considered my question for a moment.

"No. I don't think I will", he finally replied, his voice solemn ,"Too much has happened. I definitely wouldn't be able to relax having him around at home. I know it's selfish of me, but I'm not looking forward to him returning, the way that the rest of my family does. To me the thought of him returning is pure angst."

I hesitated. I'd been dying to ask him, but at the same time I didn't want to risk him shutting down on me. But I decided to go for it.

"I've grasped that you don't like to discuss the details of it, nor Rose and Emmett. But I still kind of want to know", I spoke nervously, tensing up in his arms.

"I think I know what you're going to ask. Just go for it. I'll answer your question", he instantly replied.

I took a deep breath.

"So what's the deal with Jasper really? Did he murder someone? Kidnap people and harvest their organs to afford heroin? Because you're all acting really strange every time I mention him, to the point where my imagination has to take over instead since none of you will tell me what he's done." I spoke so fast that I barely separated the words when uttering them.

He considered my question carefully before finally answering.

"I think it's more about the consequences it has had for our family than what he's actually done. I think you've already grasped the fact that he has some kind of substance abuse, which is accurate, and that's why he's been sent away. The real issue has been the fact that my family has tried to fix this by themselves, even though it is way out of their hands. I don't think you can imagine what it's like always wondering if, or rather when, he'll relapse. My parents being stupid enough to try to maintain a facade and letting him attend school when he was at his lowest point. The fact that I had to walk around being afraid that he'd flip out in school and that everyone would know how utterly fucked up our family is. And it's taken a huge toll on my relationship with Alice too. I know I rarely speak of her, but we're actually really close. Or at least we were really close before all of this. I think she feels that I've betrayed her, being so outspoken about the fact that I wanted Jasper out of the house." He paused briefly, before continuing.

"It's just been emotionally tiring living like this. It's like this big dark thing in our family that no one really has the energy or desire to talk about anymore. I know that's pretty selfish of me, but I've loved the peace of mind in sleeping next to you these past few months. Not having to worry about what's going on downstairs. Just escaping all the drama, really."

I looked at him, smirking.

"I'd hardly classify our relationship as drama free", I answered mockingly.

He laughed quietly.

"You're right. But even with you stringing me along, pining over an old boyfriend and tearing my heart to shreds, it is less drama than having Jasper around", he answered gleefully.

His remark stung me a little. But I also knew I'd deserved it and that I'd deserved him guilt-tripping me about it for an unforeseeable future. I could live with that.

"Thank you for telling me this. Really. I've been really curious about it", I said.

"It hasn't been my intention to keep you in the dark. I'm just really tired of thinking about it. And to some extent I suppose I've been afraid of scaring you off with all my family drama. To me it's like this Jasper thing being in a separate world, a world I'd rather not associate with the world I have when I'm with you. I want to keep those two things separate", he answered, his voice profound.

"I know that feeling", I answered shortly. It was the same feeling I'd been having about Edward and Dan, not wanting for the two to ever cross paths. However, my reasons were less noble and more complicated than Edward's reasons for wanting to keep me separate from his family drama. I was once more struck by the fact that I probably didn't deserve this guy.

"Okay, your time is up now. Now I get to ask questions", Edward suddenly said gleefully.

"Be nice", I countered.

"Aren't I always nice?" he answered, pretending to be hurt by my implications.

I turned my face to him, raising my eyebrows at him and he shot me a wide grin.

"Okay, so I'm never nice. But hear me out, okay?" he proceeded happily.

I smiled back at him and nodded.

"Shoot your shot", I encouraged him to go on.

"So this whole thing about us dating now. I just wanted to check in with you about a couple of things before I get ahead of myself", he said gleefully.

"Sure. That sounds good", I answered nervously, not knowing what to expect next.

"Well, I just wanted to know at which level I'm allowed to court you", he went on, his voice still slightly mocking.

"Well for one you can stop saying that you're "courting me". Ugh. Will you be asking Charlie for a dowry too?" I cringed and laughed at what he'd just said.

"He wouldn't be able to afford it, considering all the crap I have to put up with from you", Edward retorted gleefully, trying not to laugh at his own wit.

"Touché, touché."

"Anyhow, in the hypothetical case that I'd be wanting to court you, regardless of the fact that you seem to be entirely shut down to romance, what's your limit?" he went on to ask teasingly.

"Well, I should probably ask what's your limit? Are you going to bring out your boom box, is that it?" I answered awkwardly.

"If I had one I'd definitely consider it. But to answer your question, the way I'm feeling right now the sky's the limit. That's why I'm asking where you draw the line. For one, will I be allowed to hold your hand at school come Monday?"

"If you want to."

"I do. I really do", he replied instantly. "Will you let me give you gifts?"

"Sure, within reasonable limits, Richie Rich. Please remember that I'm the daughter of a working class hero. We can't all be the offspring of prominent doctors and architects."

"Duly noted. Will you allow me to draw lipstick hearts on your locker?"

I hesitated momentarily before I grasped that he was only teasing me.

"Oh shut up!" I barked at him while he laughed his ass off at having managed to throw me off my feet.

"I'm sorry. As I said, I just want to know where you draw the line", he said, still not able to stop laughing ,"But I'll remember that lipstick hearts on your locker is a possible maybe for next Valentine's."

"Watch it!" I threatened him and pinched his arm.

"Ow! Domestic abuse is not a good way to start off a relationship", he complained, rubbing his arm where I'd pinched him.

"Watch it or there's more where that came from", I threatened darkly.

"It's always the sheriff's kid", he countered jokingly. "Okay, so I'm going to be serious again. Let's say I wanted to take you out on a real date on Friday. How'd you feel about that? I don't mind spending most of our time lying around in your bed, don't get me wrong. But I sometimes feel that we started this thing at the wrong end, throwing ourselves into the carnal end of it."

I could feel myself blushing.

"Well, I suppose that I'm guilty as charged in that matter", I replied flustered.

"And again, don't get me wrong. I love the fact that you started off this whole thing by practically assaulting me. It is a fond memory of mine that - OW!"

I'd pinched him harder this time, twisting his skin in the opposite direction.

"Enough with the domestic abuse already. I love a woman who helps herself to what she wants, so I'll never hold it against you that you couldn't help throwing yourself at me while trying to comfort me. It was indeed a great comfort", he said teasingly.

"I'm warning you", I growled through my teeth.

"All I'm saying is that it feels like we jumped straight into this, missing a couple of steps on the way, and I'd like to rectify that if I may", he continued, trying to sound serious ,"I'd like to take you out and wine and dine you. Or Dr. Pepper and dine your for a couple of more years ahead, or I suppose Charlie will have my head."

I smiled at his joke. He did have a point that we'd jumped straight to the complicated part of our relationship. He was kind enough not to point out that it was almost entirely my fault that things had been complicated since the beginning.

"He would do that, yes", I said.

"So can I? Can I take you out for a classical date this Friday?" he asked, now earnest. "Let me take you out for a real date and let's pretend we haven't already seen each other without any clothes on or that we've probably argued more than most couples before having actually even defined our relationship. Could we just pretend like it's our first date?"

"It would be our first date, Edward."

"I know, I know. I just think that our relationship, for a number of reasons, has been too heavy at times. Don't you think we deserve having a little carefree fun for once?"

I pondered what he'd just said. He was right about the fact that our relationship up to this point had been pretty complicated. Very complicated, to be honest. It would be nice for our relationship to run smoothly for once, without the doubts and the drama.

"I agree", I finally answered. "You're right. We did start our relationship at the wrong end, so let's try to start over a bit. Let's go on a date on Friday."

He kissed the top of my head and hugged me tightly.

"I'll have to get a boom box before Friday then. And I'll have to crunch some numbers regarding that dowry. I hadn't really factored in the domestic abuse I'd have to put up with", he said, sounding serious.

"Oh you…" I grunted and reached out my hand to pinch his arm again.

"Stop being so violent, Swan!", he complained laughing ,"Or you'll awaken my more carnal desires." His voice was hoarse as he spoke the last part.

He started trailing kisses along my jawline and then proceeded to work his way down my neck. I shuddered with pleasure, feeling a tight, warm knot form in my stomach.

"Actually, forget what I said about us pretending that we've never seen each other naked", he whispered, his voice husky as he let his mouth wander down my breasts. "At least until tomorrow."

"I can do that", I murmured as I felt his mouth graze my hip.