Chapter 51

"Break my stride"

Edward's POV

I felt numb as I drove up to my house. What had really happened tonight? As I'd parked the car in the driveway I remained seated, still resting my hands on the steering wheel. I was well aware of the fact that I'd been in the wrong to act so cold. She was right after all. She hadn't done anything wrong. Her only crime was picking up the phone. Bella wasn't prone to lying and I was ninety-nine percent sure of the fact that she hadn't been aware that Dan had been the one calling her. As a matter of fact, I was about ninety-nine percent sure that there had been zero contact between her and Dan since her return from Phoenix. I based my assumptions on the fact which she'd so heatedly pointed out - we spent pretty much every waking moment together.

I spent almost every night at her house, except for the nights when I had to go hunting to not put her at risk. Or the nights "my parents demanded that I sleep in my own bed", as I'd told her as an excuse for my occasional absence. She'd accepted it without any questions. I picked her up before school. We had several classes together. We hung out after school. Then I'd pretend to head home for the evening, which really meant I waited for her upstairs in her room until she and Charlie had finished their dinner. And then the next day we did it all over again. Sure, maybe there was the slightest probability that they had in fact had some amount of contact. Maybe they'd exchanged a couple of texts. A phone call. I hadn't stooped to the level of checking Bella's phone. Yet. Still, I highly doubted that they had been in contact. I was the liar in this relationship, not Bella.

But once again I'd let Dan get inside my head and I'd fucked up royally. Yes, it was true that even the slightest proof of the fact that Dan was still alive and a possible threat to my relationship with Bella made me question this whole thing. I couldn't deny that. Bella hardly ever mentioning his name these days had of course helped, but I was nowhere near getting over the grudge I held towards him, which was in fact absurd since I'd never actually met the guy. Still, if I ever met him I'd have to restrain myself from ripping his head straight off. I fucking hated that guy with all of my heart. He would always get to me.

Still, I should have been able to predict the absolute emotional chaos I'd be causing Bella by mentioning my doubts about this, and possibly putting an end to our relationship. I was well aware of her fear of abandonment and I was a complete asshole for not being able to contain my feelings and for saying the things that I'd said. Especially when she'd done nothing wrong. Of course I should have been able to predict that she'd react strongly.

Maybe she didn't love me the way she'd loved Dan. Maybe she wasn't even in love with me. But I sure as hell knew that I made her feel something. Why else would she want to spend every minute of her day with me? Why else would she let me hold her hand at school, even though there was nothing she hated more than drawing the attention of our peers? Why else would she have come to this stupid prom with me? It wasn't as if she'd come for the great music and the dancing. I mean, the girl could barely stand up without tumbling over. She was a disaster on the dance floor, even with my help. She'd come to prom to make me happy. And how had I repaid her kindness? By being a callous prick who'd basically told her that he was considering breaking things off.

And the ironic thing about all of this was that I hadn't only screwed Bella over tonight, I'd also screwed myself over. Even though Dan did make me feel like quitting and running sometimes, there was no way in hell that I'd ever give up on this girl. I couldn't even picture going back to the way my life had been before her arrival in Forks. It hadn't been a life. It was unimaginable. She could have had ten old boyfriends lurking around and I still would have climbed her window every night, hoping that she'd let me in. Because I loved her. Boundlessly and irrevocably.

And tonight I'd been stupid enough to tell her so. Not once. Not twice. Not thrice. I'd told her five times. I'd torn my heart out and handed it to her. At least that's what it felt like to me. I'd bared myself in a way that I'd never done in front of another person before. I'd never felt the way I felt about her for anyone else before, but the way this evening had turned out I was truly hesitant about having these feelings for anyone ever again. Wasn't it John Donne who'd written "I am two fools, I know. For loving, and for saying so"? I'd never really understood that poem before, even though I'd been forced to analyze it on numerous occasions during my years of attending high school. But it was only after tonight that I actually felt the weight of his words. I felt it all too well. I felt sick to my stomach just thinking of how I'd practically begged her for permission to come with her inside and how she'd refused me. I wasn't sure of what I'd become these past few months and I sure as hell wasn't sure if it had actually been a positive change for me.

When I finally opened the car door to get out I suddenly saw the front door of the house opening. It was probably Rose and Emmett coming to ask why we'd left so suddenly. I'd passed them as I was going outside to Bella with some ice, but afterwards things had escalated so quickly I hadn't had the time to tell them we were leaving. They must have just assumed that we both had become too eager and that we'd headed home to spend the rest of the night in the privacy of her room instead. After all, that had been our initial plan. I sighed inwardly at the thought of having to explain to Rose and Emmett what had really gone down tonight. Rose would scold me for being too territorial, siding with Bella like always, and Emmett would make fun of me and call me a simp, insinuating that Bella was still hung up on her ex. I wasn't done processing my own thoughts about this evening and I definitely wasn't in the mood for hearing Rose's and Emmett's opinions on what I should do next.

But as I stepped out of the car I realized I'd been wrong. It wasn't Emmett's blunt thoughts nor Rosalie's snide remarks that I was hearing coming at me from the house. These thoughts were attentive, almost hesitating, as they made their way into my mind.

Hello Edward.

A delicate, familiar voice resonated in my head and I looked straight at the house. A petite figure watched me hesitantly from the porch, waiting for me to respond. It was Alice. I groaned heavily. This. Fucking. Family. Of course I'd missed Alice. Before all of this Jasper-drama we'd been super close. Even though we weren't related by blood she was still my sister for all intents and purposes. And our bond was probably even stronger than that seeing as we had our extraordinary… gifts in common. Alice and I understood each other on a different level. We both knew the difficulties of being particularly gifted and we confided in each other. So, yes, I'd missed her dearly and I was glad to see her, on some level.

However, if Alice was back then that meant that Jasper was also back. And that was not happening anytime soon. Not on my watch. I had my hands full merely trying to figure out my relationship with Bella and trying to appear normal in her presence. There was no room for the return of my bloodthirsty brother right now and I refused to have to worry about him ruining all that I'd managed to build with Bella these past few months. This was not happening.

And on top of all these facts there was only one person that I wanted to speak to right now and she wasn't talking to me. I had no desire to speak to anyone in my family about what had happened this evening or how I'd behaved. I didn't want any well meaning advice or opinions on how I'd acted. There was only one person that I wanted to share my feelings with tonight and she wasn't open to listening to one word that I had to say.

He's not here. I came by myself.

"Yeah, and why's that? Is he back in Denali packing up his stuff or what?" I replied relentlessly as I stared sullenly at her.

I knew there was no way Alice was only here on a casual visit. I figured she'd come to discuss the possibility of her and Jasper returning back home. She frowned at what I'd just said, observing me gravely.

"Why can't you trust in the fact that he's better?" she demanded sharply, out loud this time.

I should have guessed that she'd defend Jasper's honor. Alice was talented and could read the future and its nuances with a perceptiveness that had daunted me on several occasions these past decades we'd spent together. But when it came to Jasper she was blind. She always insisted on having faith in him, even when he'd proved he didn't deserve her trust at all. There was no way in hell that I was going to put my money on Alice being able to keep track of whether or not Jasper lost control of himself again. She might have been able to foresee the future, but even if she saw Jasper drain every person in Forks dry she'd have refused to believe it. I wasn't about to put Bella's life in her hands.

"I have more to lose these days", I replied sternly.

That wasn't a hundred percent accurate seeing as I didn't know if I even had a girlfriend after tonight. Still, I very much wanted Bella alive and well, even if she wasn't going to be my girlfriend anymore.

Alice didn't reply instantly. Instead she studied me carefully from where she stood.

"Yes, I've seen that. I'm looking forward to getting to know her. We are going to be great friends", she acknowledged calmly, her voice a tad softer now.

"You are?" I blurted out incredulously before I was able to stop myself.

I suddenly felt slightly less irritated about Alice's presence. I knew that Alice's sight was unpredictable and fluctuating and that nothing that she saw was ever completely written in stone. Still, I was comforted by the fact that she'd been able to see a future for Bella and I, regardless of the fact that I'd done my very best to destroy that possible future tonight. Alice remained quiet for a while, a pensive look on her face. I figured she was trying to make out the details of my future with Bella. I remained motionless, avoiding to make even the slightest sound so as to not disturb her thoughts. As my mind skimmed the edge of Alice's mind a sharp image was thrown at me.

It was Bella and Alice sitting together in Bella's car, playing loud music and laughing. I watched Alice watch Bella and I could tell that she genuinely cared for her. It was the same way she looked at me and the other members of our family. It was a look of love and compassion. I then watched Bella as she laughed in unison with Alice. What I wouldn't give to make her laugh right now, I thought to myself. But there was something different about Bella as I watched more closely. Her pale, almost translucent skin had been replaced by a porcelain white shade and the pink shade of her full lips had darkened considerably. And her eyes… Her usual brown eyes had… As I observed Alice's slightly foggy vision of the future through her eyes it suddenly dawned on me.

"It will be your choice in the end. No one's going to make it for you", she interjected before I had the chance to bark out my objection to her vision.

"You cannot be serious!" I demanded heatedly. That was not happening. Not now, not ever. Bella was going to remain human and nothing was going to convince me otherwise.

She shrugged her shoulders and smiled palely at me.

"I don't choose my visions. The same way you don't choose the thoughts you hear, Edward", she said calmly, her voice somewhat apologetic.

"I'd rather die than make her one of us", I snapped furiously at her.

"I hate to break it to you, but you're already dead, Edward", she remarked teasingly while smiling at me, "And as I said, that's up to you. Just remember, if that's your choice then she will eventually die. I don't think I have to tell you how rare it is for our kind to find a soulmate. It might never happen again. Is that something you're willing to risk?"

I glared savagely at her. Like I'd never heard that argument thrown around before. It was kind of ironic how my family insisted on how sacred human lives were on a daily basis, but as soon as I'd fallen in love with one they'd all been amenable to throwing her life away. It didn't seem to bother any of them that I'd be damning Bella and her soul by making her one of us. I was repulsed by their disregard for Bella's right to live a long, healthy and human life.

"And you don't have to worry about tonight. It will work out. Eventually", Alice suddenly continued, "Somehow I get the feeling that the two of you are going to be facing quite a lot of obstacles along the road."

I remained quiet, although I was on the brink of begging her to tell me what she could see in regards to my future with Bella.

"That seems to be your thing though, right? It seems like it's already been a bit of a bumpy road for you", Alice continued, drawling her words with a thoughtful look on her face.

I could only nod in amazement at what she'd just said. This was so Alice. She could be gone for months on end, but as soon as she came back she caught up on what she'd missed, and then some, pretty much instantly. Nothing got past her. Except for Jasper.

"You can relax though. I can tell that her mind is made up about you. It will work out", she added, perhaps feeling that I needed some reassurance.

"Thank you", I replied, almost whispering. I felt a wave of relief wash over me.

"However, that depends on the choices you make too. Remember that you get a choice in this too", she continued warningly, "But I suppose you've already made up your mind too, seeing as you're willing to give up your own brother to be with her."

"I'm not giving up Jasper", I sighed in protest to what she'd just accused me of, "I just don't want him anywhere near Bella, possibly ever."

Alice studied me apprehensively.

"I've been having the time of my life these past few months. I'm sorry if that makes me a selfish asshole, but that's not something I'm willing to give up. She makes me feel almost alive, if that's possible. It's the first time in years that I've actually felt that there's something I want, things that I want to achieve. She just makes me want to be a better person, as corny as it sounds. I can't risk someone taking that away from me."

"Jasper would get used to her scent eventually. He wouldn't harm her", Alice objected to what I'd insinuated.

"Yeah, or maybe he wouldn't. And then one day he'd snap and suck her dry before I had the chance to stop him. I'm not about to test your theory", I retorted, quite a bit more aggressively than the situation called for. It seemed to be the role I was playing tonight - a self-absorbed, impulsive and utterly rude prick.

"It's not your choice to make though", she stated firmly as she stared at me intently, "We're a family, remember? This is everyone's choice."

"Yeah? Then I suppose you asked Rose what she thinks too, huh?" I snapped back at her harshly, "I think you'll find her rather hesitant regarding Jasper's return to Forks. A lot has changed in these past few months. Rose is Bella's friend too and she wouldn't risk Bella's life just because you say that Jasper is well enough to come back here."

"Why do you have to be so dramatic, Edward? God! Do you really think Jasper would put us all at risk like that? That he's so incapable of controlling himself after having lived this way for decades now?"

"That's the fucking point, Alice. He can't control himself! That's what got him in this mess in the first place. When his thirst hits him there's no stopping him and you know that! He created a fucking army for Maria back in the days - he's lethal! Are you that blind?" I demanded furiously.

I couldn't grasp that she wasn't able to see Jasper with clearer eyes. It was baffling. Was this what love did to people? I briefly pondered if I was blind on the same level as Alice when it came to Bella. On some level, possibly, yes. As I was fuming with anger at Alice's naivité the front door all of a sudden opened once more and Emmett stuck out his head.

"Edward, take a chill pill already!", Emmett insisted, his face a worried frown, "You don't have to be so hard on her."

He stepped out on the porch, the look on his face asking me to tone it down a notch. But I was nowhere near done with voicing my opinion on the matter.

"Yeah, so have you agreed to letting Jasper come back home too? Is that it?" I snapped angrily at him.

He shrugged his shoulders hesitantly.

"We're family, Edward", he pleaded carefully, "He was always going to come back someday, eventually."

"Yes, and that's preferably in a year or two when Bella's out of high school and in college, at a safe distance from all this madness. But that's great. Thank you for your support, Emmett. Thank you for looking out for my happiness", I spat out condescendingly.

I then turned to face Alice again.

"If he comes back, then I'm leaving. Somehow I'll persuade Bella into moving back to Phoenix, hell, I'll even kidnap her and drive her down there myself if I have to. And I'll go where she goes. I don't care if I have to spend 300 days a year indoors pretending that I have some rare, extreme sensitivity to sunlight, if that's what it takes for me to be with here then that's what I'll do. I'll be damned before I have her living in the same town as a ticking bomb", I barked furiously, now having lost complete control of my emotions.

This. Fucking. Family.

Alice stared at me, shocked by the tantrum I'd just thrown. As I looked in Emmett's direction once more I could see that Rose had joined us, standing next to him.

"I'm sorry, Alice, but I'm with Edward. I don't think this is such a good idea", Rose said cautiously, "A lot has changed since you left."

I could tell that Rose speaking her piece of mind hit Alice like a stab in the back. Alice and Rose had always had a somewhat strained relationship, mostly due to the fact that they were both two very different people. They shared few interests and their personalities didn't always quite click. They'd always been respectful to each other, but they didn't share the bond that I shared with Emmett for example. Still, I imagined that Alice still would've expected Rose to unhesitatingly pick her above some human she'd only known for a couple of months. The absence of Rose's vote seemed to throw Alice.

Normally I would've felt bad for causing drama between Alice and Rose, making them choose sides. But tonight I couldn't care less. Was I thankful to Rose for picking my side? Yes. But did I care that it meant that Rose's and Alice's opinions clashed, causing them to argue? Not in the slightest. Did I care that it caused stress for the rest of my family? Hell no. I was so done thinking about everyone else in the fucking family. All I wanted was some peace and quiet to think, far away from their ceaseless opinions and advice.

"I've got nothing more to say in this matter, Alice. I'm not going to back down on this one. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be getting the fuck out of here", I growled furiously at her and turned around to dash straight into the forest that surrounded our house.

Within a few seconds I'd left them all behind. But I didn't stop running. I didn't want to risk them following me, catching up with me, so I kept on going. I didn't stop until I reached the outskirts of Port Angeles. As I stopped I turned around to make sure that they weren't following me. I might have been the fastest in my family, but given the fact that Alice could predict my every move there was a chance that they'd decided to follow me. Privacy was an unknown concept in my family. I waited for a couple more minutes to deduce if they'd taken the hint and left me to brood on my own. I stood waiting, ready to punch anyone who dared to come after me. I was done with the family drama for tonight.

When I'd finally realized they probably wouldn't be coming after me I relaxed and drew a breath of relief, figuratively speaking. Even though I'd managed to shake my family off I still had a lot of steam that I needed to blow off before I would be fit to be around people again. I directed myself at the nearest object that I could take out my anger on, which turned out to be the road sign that read "Port Angeles 12". Without thinking twice I kicked one of the beams that was holding the sign up. With an ear-splitting sound the beam bent backwards, causing the other beam that was holding the sign up to be torn out of the ground, sticking straight up into the sky. The sign itself followed the bent beam and bent backwards. I then quickly punched the sign straight in the middle, causing it to fold as easily as if it had been a napkin. The leg of the sign that pointed at the sky came crashing in my direction as the sign folded over and I'd barely had time to dodge it and escape it slamming into my head.

I stepped back, observing the mess that I'd made. It had been a long time since I'd stooped to the level of destroying public property in a fit of anger. It had been during the 80's sometime, at a time when the Volturi had been badgering my family incessantly and I'd finally ended up losing my shit. I felt slightly embarrassed and bewildered by the fact that I'd let Bella get to me in the same way that an ancient, evil vampire coven once had gotten to me. Also, I felt embarrassed by my behavior since I was always the one scolding Emmett and Jasper for damaging other people's property during their wrestling matches. And here I was, maiming a perfectly fine road sign just because I couldn't handle my own feelings towards a human. If I'd been able to see myself acting like this a year ago I wouldn't have believed it. I was utterly pathetic.

Letting out another heavy sigh I buried my face in my palms, trying to figure out a more constructive way to calm down. I'd been kidding myself thinking that this night couldn't get any worse. Of course it could since I belonged to a freaking lunatic family. I pondered the possibility of Jasper's return once more, trying to find a positive angle that I could actually work with. But there wasn't one. I knew that I'd never be able to relax around Bella again, knowing that he was nearby, and also knowing that I'd be facing a force I wasn't entirely sure I'd be able to defend her from if it turned out that Jasper couldn't control himself. Beating Emmett in a wrestling match was one thing. But not even my special gift gave me a sufficient advantage in a confrontation with Jasper and I didn't always end up winning against him. He had training and experience that I just couldn't compete with.

There was no point in contemplating Jasper's possible return to Forks, I concluded. It wouldn't work out and it wasn't going to happen. Still, I had more important matters to attend to. Like trying to make things right with Bella again for example. If this was going to work I supposed I had to get over this whole Dan-thing and stop comparing the relationships altogether. I had to block him out and just pretend like he didn't exist or else I'd end up going mad, and furthermore ruining this great thing I had going with Bella. Even though I knew I shouldn't, I reached for my phone in my back pocket and started typing. Once I felt that I'd conveyed the gist of my thoughts I pressed send.

I'm sorry for tonight. I know that I should probably let you contact me once you feel ready. But I just can't stand it when we're not speaking. You mean the world to me and I just want to be with you. I know I'm hopeless over and over again, but I love you.

I read the message I'd just sent over and over again. The numbers at the corner of the screen informed me that it was just past 1 am and I figured that a response to my text was pretty unlikely at this hour. I felt my chest ache at the thought of Bella going to bed all miserable and sad and my chest ached even more at the thought of that I'd been the one to make her feel that way. As time passed and no reply came I felt my stomach turning and a wave of nausea came over me. It was an unlikely hour for her to check her phone. I'd acted like an idiot and now I was paying. I'd made this bed and now I had to lie in it. And I had once more bared my heart and now I had to wait patiently for her response. Yet, there had been nothing else for me to do. Even though loving Isabella Swan made me twice a fool, feeling and saying so was now inevitable and irreversible.