Chapter Seven: Pressure
Standing in front of the bathroom mirror that afternoon, Suzie realized that cutting her hair proved more difficult than she imagined. Brown hair littered the sink and the floor, the scissors shaking in Suzie's trembling hands.
After sending in the recruitment form, Suzie ran home, afraid that the police would catch her for lying on the enlistment papers. She did not know what would happen if they caught her, but she did not want to find out.
She sent the form, she could not turn back now. She wanted to fight the battles, end the war, and bring Bucky home.
With her hair shorn in ragged edges, Suzie realized that she did not think her idea through. She knew that to blend in with the other soldiers, she had to cut her hair, a task that Suzie struggled with. She had cut Becca's hair before, but never her own. Ma usually cut everyone's hair, her delicate fingers trimming with skilled precision.
A wave of grief washed over Suzie and she dropped the scissors. The metal clattered on the floor, missing her toes by mere inches. Her fingers clutched the edge of the sink as she tried to breathe through the pain in her chest.
A small knock on the door broke through the hammering in her head. Taking a deep breath, Suzie wiped her eyes with the back of her sleeve and reached down to pick up the scissors.
"Are you okay?" Becca's voice called through the door.
"I'm fine," Suzie replied, reaching up to snip another section of hair from her head. The lock of hair floated down onto the sink, adding to the accumulating mess.
"Can I come in?" Becca asked, her voice full of worry.
"No."
Like a typical sibling, Becca did not listen. She swung open the door and froze as she spotted Suzie's uneven hair.
"What are you doing?!" Becca cried, her mouth agape.
With the scissors posed to cut another part of her hair, Suzie glared at her sister. "I told you not to come in. Go away."
"Your hair—"
"I know. Go. Away."
"Why?" Becca questioned, her hand still frozen on the door handle.
Starting to become annoyed, Suzie slammed the scissors down onto the sink. "'Cause I'm busy and I wanna be alone right now!"
"But your hair's so pretty, why would you cut it?" Becca protested.
"None of your business. Please leave."
Becca shook her head and stared at Suzie with utter confusion. Suzie tried to ignore her sister and returned to her trimming. But, when neither of them spoke for over a minute, Suzie whirled around in annoyance, the scissors gleaming in the bathroom light.
"Rebecca Peony Barnes, if you don't leave me alone right now, Imma cut off your hair!" Suzie shouted.
To her credit, Becca did not flinch. Instead, Becca crossed her arms over her chest and glared at Suzie.
"You did something stupid, didn't you?" Becca said.
Taken aback, Suzie lowered the scissors and stared at Becca in puzzlement. Of course, Becca would know; she had ma's knack for knowing whenever the kids did something dumb. Becca had caught Bucky sneaking out of the house several times, but he had always convinced her to stay quiet, a skill that Suzie did not have. The kids had an untold agreement that "snitches ended up with stitches." Or in the one case where Travis ratted Bucky out to Ma for messing around with one of the choir girls during church—"snitches end up with a black eye."
"I'm not an idiot," Becca continued. "You're upset and you get stupid when you're upset."
Suzie frowned. Unable to think of a response, she turned back to the mirror. Becca took Suzie's silence as an offer to continue pointing out the obvious—that Suzie did something idiotic and reckless.
"I know you left earlier and when you came back, you rushed up here and, apparently, started cutting off your beautiful hair," Becca pointed out. "What did you do?"
"Why do you care?" Suzie snapped, and this time Becca flinched, her brown eyes widening with concern.
"I'm your sister. I should care if you're planning to do something stupid," Becca replied, her voice quieter. "And I'm not leaving 'til you tell me what it is."
Rolling her eyes, Suzie set down the scissors and ran a hand through her uneven hair. Gosh, her hair looked worse than the time Travis came home from school after an attempt to cut gum from his hair with crafting scissors. Travis had cried when Ma had to trim his hair shorter than usual to make it look somewhat decent.
Letting out an exasperated sigh, Suzie knew that Becca would find out somehow. The youngest Barnes kid knew every interesting piece of gossip in church and school. She better explain herself now before Becca found out after Suzie left to go to basic training.
"If I tell you, you have to promise to not tell anyone else," Suzie muttered.
"Cross my heart," Becca said.
"Do it," Suzie said and watched as Becca traced a cross over her heart with her finger. "Pinky promise, too."
"Is it really that bad?" Becca asked, but she still extended her pinky and hooked it with Suzie's.
"If you tell anyone, we could both end up in serious trouble," Suzie said. "I'm technically breaking several laws by doing this, but it's the right thing to do."
Becca's eyes widened even further at that, but she remained silent, waiting for Suzie to continue.
Taking a deep breath, Suzie blurted out: "I joined the army."
"What?" Becca looked taken aback. She blinked several times before adding: "That's not illegal. There's the Women's Army Corps…"
"I'm not joining them. I'm going to be on the front lines as a man. I wrote my information in under Riley's name," Suzie explained, realizing now that she sounded crazy for doing so.
"You look nothing like him. And he's dead," Becca pointed out.
"I don't think the army cares all that much about a dead, mixed kid from Indiana."
"What will happen if they catch you? Too many things could go wrong."
As if Suzie did not know that already. She knew the risk; she did not need a reminder.
"Like what?" Suzie retorted. "I'll be fine. That's why I'm cutting my hair, so I can blend in better."
Becca frowned and held out her hand, counting on her fingers as she listed off several flaws in Suzie's plan. "You're physically different, showering will be difficult, you've never used the bathroom outdoors, and you'll have to sleep in the same area with a bunch of men. And, oh, let's bring up the fact that you bleed every month. They'll definitely catch you after that."
"I'll figure it out. It can't be that hard," Suzie said even though she started to feel a little unsure of her plan. It's not like the army handed out menstrual products to the soldiers. "I mean, I'm not the first woman to join an army. There are plenty of historical examples. I'll manage, just like them."
"But why?" Becca questioned, tears welling in her brown eyes. "Why would you sign up for this? There are other ways to help. You don't have to do this."
A lump formed in Suzie's throat after seeing the tears in Becca's eyes. She hated making her sister cry, but she refused to reconsider now. The army would not let her take the enlistment form back and she did not know what would happen if she did not show up for the exam.
"I can't keep a job, Becca. I've been fired from every place I've worked at. I'm useless here. And there's no other way to bring Bucky home. I can't bring him back if I'm sitting here doing nothing. I have to do something, and this is the best thing I can think of."
"Where would I go? I don't have a job and I can't manage a house by myself."
Suzie chewed on her bottom lip as she thought. "You can stay with Uncle Henry and Aunt Ida. They'll take care of you."
"In the middle of the school year? I just started high school, I'm not going to Indiana!"
Suzie took a step toward Becca. She hated leaving her sister like this, but Suzie could not think of anything else. She wanted the men who killed Ma and Travis to suffer. She wanted this war to end. "Becca, please…"
Becca shook her head, her cheeks turning red as tears rolled down her face. "Why can't you see that Bucky's dead? Just like Ma and Travis. Why can't you see that I'm still here? I need you and you're just going to leave me?"
Becca reached out and wrapped her arms around Suzie's waist. She buried her head into Suzie's shoulder, her body shaking with sobs. "Don't leave me. Please, I need you. Don't go. Please…"
Blinking rapidly in an attempt to fight off her own tears, Suzie hugged Becca and gently ran a hand through Becca's silky hair. This whole army idea sounded worse with each sob wracking through Becca's body.
Closing her eyes, Suzie grimaced and shook her head, silently fighting with herself. Stay here and leave Bucky alone to die in a POW camp or leave Becca alone and spend months searching with nothing but dead ends and possible false hope. Choose her sister or choose her brother. Either choice left a pit in Suzie's stomach that made her feel like throwing up.
Becca's sobs sounded muffled through the fog settling in Suzie's head. Her body floated far from Suzie's mind. Everything went numb and she hardly heard herself mutter: "Fine. I'll stay."
The following week dragged by like a snail stuck on sandpaper. Every day dialed up the grief-stricken anxiety Suzie felt. By the end of the week, Suzie could barely bring herself to eat. Food left her nauseous. She could not sleep, tossing and turning all night. Nightmares of Ma and Travis plagued any sleep she got.
Her mind constantly wandered back to the alleyway near the church. The image of the man grunting "Hail Hydra" before killing himself left more questions than answers. "Hail Hydra" reminded her of "Hail Hilter." Yet, the two still sounded different enough for Hydra to be different than the Nazis. Those men who attacked the church were probably part of some subdivision of the Nazis who called themselves Hydra. And those men were still out there, wreaking havoc across the globe.
What could be worse than Nazis?
Not even Brooklyn escaped Hydra's terror. She could ease her anxiety if she went out, fought those men, and got revenge on the men who killed her mom and brother. Dozens died from Hydra's attack while most of the gunmen walked away. The police never caught the other gunmen. Any evidence about Hydra's organization died with the man in the alleyway.
If the Allies won the war, more lives would be saved. Men could come home and reunite with their families. And the army could always use more soldiers.
She should be out there, making those men pay for what they did to her family. She could be marching across Europe, freeing people from the Nazis' reign.
Instead, Suzie lay on the snow-covered leave pile in the backyard, staring up at the night sky. Becca lay next to her, a blanket wrapped around her shoulders like a cocoon. The fresh dusting of snow shimmered in the lights of the city.
Already on the second day of December, Suzie felt awful. Usually, this time of the year brought joy and excitement. Her nineteenth birthday was in a week, on December ninth with Christmas following soon after.
This year, celebrating felt more like a routine task instead of an actual celebration. Ma would not be here to bake a gingerbread cake for Suzie's birthday. Bucky would not sing in the choir on Christmas day. They would not join Sarah and Steve for a Christmas dinner afterward. The aroma of fresh, baked cookies would no longer fill the air. The annual snowmen contest the kids' hosted every year in the Barnes's backyard would never happen again. They did not have any judges—Sarah and Ma were dead—and it would not be fun with only two contestants.
Suzie did not even bother digging out the Christmas decorations stored in the attic. She used to enjoy decorating the Christmas tree and hanging all the stockings on the fireplace. Ma always told Suzie that she had a knack for decorating, something that had kept Suzie busy all day trying to find the right arrangement.
Even the snow, which Suzie could spend hours watching the yard glitter in the evening lights, seemed dull and saddening. The snow covered the ground in a thick blanket that suppressed the sounds of holiday celebrations. It confined Suzie to the house, a house that no longer felt welcoming. It became a burden, to endure being stuck surrounded by walls that echoed the past. Like the three Ghosts of Christmas, the house haunted her.
The past whispered countless memories made in the house. Too many memories formed a lump in Suzie's throat whenever she thought of the mischief she and her siblings managed. The memories dragged her down, clutching at her heart as she sank lower and lower into a pit of inconsolable despair.
The present suppressed her, suffocating her with the ugly truth. Ma and Travis were never coming back. Becca could not survive without Suzie's help. Steve left, either on his own accord or not. The present chained her down, refusing to let her reach into the past and undo the suffering Hydra caused. It denied her access to the future, to a point where she moved on from this if that would ever happen.
The future mocked her, teasing her with the thought of living alone and afraid. What if Bucky actually died? What if the Nazis won?What if Hydra breaks into the house and kills them both in their sleep? What if Becca died and Suzie survived, forced to live alone forever and cursed with witnessing the deaths of her family? What if Suzie went insane from grief? Could she die from a broken heart?
The wind whipped up, blowing shards of ice into the side of Suzie's face. She brought an arm to block the wind. The clouds and lights from the city overpowered most of the moon's light, but she could still see the crescent shape shining in the darkening sky.
Suzie wondered if Bucky could see the moon, too. No, that's stupid. It's probably daytime wherever he's at right now.
No matter the time difference, Suzie hoped that Bucky could see the moon, instead of lying dead in a field somewhere in Italy. It always fascinated her, seeing the moon shift through its phases. It reminded her of life, how the crescent moon still shone in the sky even being partly covered in darkness. Even in the new moon phase, when nobody could see it in the night sky, everyone knew that it would shine again.
Maybe this part of her life was the new moon phase. She would have to suffer in complete darkness before shining again.
Tears welled up in Suzie's eyes. She could not take this anymore. Sitting around and wallowing in self-pity made her sick. The urge to throw up forced her to turn to the side and she bolted up to her knees to heave into the snow. As she did so, she felt Becca's hand on her back keeping her steady.
Moments passed until Suzie finally started dry-heaving. She gathered fresh snow in her hands and pressed it against her feverish face. The snow smelled clean and refreshing despite the rotting leaves buried underneath it.
"I'm sorry," Becca muttered behind Suzie, her hand still propping Suzie up.
Ignoring Becca, Suzie breathed into the pile of snow, trying to calm herself down. Images of snowmen from the snowman contest crossed Suzie's mind. Becca had made a cat one year. Bucky and Steve had teamed up to make a six-foot snowman another year that ended up taking most of the snow in the yard. Four years ago, Travis made a snowman in the front seat of their Model T, earning him first place and a stern talking-to from Ma after the snowman left a puddle. Suzie had one once with an upside-down snowman complete with feet and clothing.
"I'm sorry for making you stay," Becca continued, snapping Suzie out of her frosty flashback. "It's killing you. And I'm sorry for being so selfish."
At that, Suzie dropped the snow and turned to look at her little sister. Becca's eyes were wide with concern but her face showed sincerity.
Suzie opened her mouth to say something, but Becca cut her off. "If you want to join the army, go ahead. I'll be okay here. Just promise me that you'll write as often as you can."
"What?" Suzie managed to force out through the tightness in her throat. "But, what about all the reasons why it's a stupid idea?"
Becca's hand squeezed Suzie's shoulder. "I'll send you packages. Send you a bunch of stuff."
"The army probably searches each package."
"I'll make sure to hide the menstrual products. Aunt Ida can help," Becca offered. When Suzie did not respond, Becca added: "I'll go to Indiana, until you come back. If I can't stop you from joining the army, then I might as well help you in any way that I can. I'll even cut your hair better."
A corner of Suzie's lips curled up in a weak smile. "Why? You think I did a terrible job?"
Becca smiled back. "You look awful. It's like you lost a fight with a chainsaw."
That prompted a small laugh from Suzie. She patted Becca on the back and spread her arms, allowing Becca to hug her.
"Promise me you'll stay out of trouble," Suzie muttered into Becca's much nicer-looking hair.
"Only if you promise, too," Becca replied.
"You know I'm doing this for the both of us, right?" Suzie asked.
"I know," Becca said, her voice hardening into a resentful tone. "Go kill some Nazis for me."
Sorry if this chapter has too much dialogue and is not as interesting. I'm getting to the more interesting stuff soon, but I needed this chapter to fill in some gaps for Becca's part of the story. Suzie would not just leave her sister to fend for herself without having some discussion, so I added this.
And yes, this chapter's title was inspired by the song Surface Pressure from Encanto. I know that song has been playing nonstop since the movie came out, but I feel like it really fits Suzie. I also found a really great rock cover for that song that fits her personality and WW2 environment a bit better than the original song: watch?v=GU0GHr47iYo
Also, I would like your opinion. For the next chapter, should I include Suzie going to get a physical exam or not? I feel that it'll probably be a bit boring and I've tried finding examples of what enlistment forms and physicals looked like, but Google is not giving me what I want. I'll include it if you want since I'm worried it'll be too much of a time jump without it, but I want to move on to the next part of Suzie's journey. I'm open to any suggestions. :)