They had reached Mr. Lunt's home in no time. Mr. Lunt offered a polite smile and tried once again, "I think I can take it from here, Archibald."

"You know... you can call me Vegetable Daddy."

"Ah. No, thank you." Mr. Lunt said, and his smile disappeared like a clown's job prospects after the 1990 movie adaption of Stephen King's It was released. "I prefer not."

Archibald waited, and Mr. Lunt waited, and they both waited a long, awkward time before Mr. Lunt reluctantly said,

"You won't leave until this is over, huh? You know, Nezzer'll be back soon, and - well, I'm pretty sure he'll be able to take care of... if I need any help, you know?"

Archibald considered this. "You live with Nezzer?"

"Ah, yes. I... I do. We got married last fall. In Boston. You were there."

"I don't remember ever being in Boston in the fall. Seems awful far of a trip for a wedding." Archibald felt this was all rather a bit of a lie, and his hopes were dashed like the Icarus of Greek myth, melted wingtips and wax before there was ever blood. Except, he really was nothing like Icarus. Each romantic encounter only brought him closer to the "sun", the perfect lover, and he would fly ever closer in his hubris until he could embrace the sun armlessly. He knew he would never fall, never fail, in his quest of sexiness. He was simply too sexy and perfect.

"Well, none of us had been, but we were sick of singing the line. Anyway, you were definitely there. You slept with half the wedding party. You got drunk and offered to jump naked out of the cake at the bachelor party, and Nezzer told you if you kept acting up he was going to put out a restraining order. You really don't remember any of this?"

"No! Well, maybe I was too drunk. did he fill that restraining order?"

Lunt regarded the question with a tightly pulled mouth. "I'm going to call Nezzer, and then you can probably leave, thank you."

"Of course. Well, while you're handling that, I suppose I'll let myself in and make myself comfortable. I can begin taking care of you whenever." Archibald said, following Lunt into the house. He watched Lunt leave for the house phone, and while he was there, he began fluffing the couch pillows and arranging them. He took out a blanket and laid it out on the couch, listening all the while to the conversation in the kitchen.

"Yeah. No, he invited himself right in. He's acting real weird. Remember the - remember the wedding? Yeah. That shit again. He's insisting I got a concussion when he hit me with his motorcycle. I - yeah, I'm fine, Nez. It was one of those... like, a Barbie doll motorcycle. Or whatever. You know, but functioning. Like it was for a small caterpillar, or - you know, the weird guy from the Jonah movie? Yeah. He changed his name and started wearing leather? Sent us the bag of rocks for our wedding? Geodes, fine. None of that is important. Can you just - I'm a little freaked out and he won't leave, so can you just come by home? I'd feel a lot safer if - you're where? So that's like, what, twenty minutes? Yeah. Well... I'll do my best. I - oh, yeah, that sounds good, actually. Okay, well, if there's not a line, grab me some moo shu -"

"Mr. Lunt, are you doing quite all right?" Archibald called out in a singsong voice.

"Shit. Okay. Well, uh, forget the moo shu. Better just come quick."

Archibald investigated the wedding photos on the wall. He certainly didn't remember it, but the proof was in the pudding, the pudding being a framed photo of the two of them in dashing white tuxedos. Lunt had a white silk top hat, and somehow it was evident in the photo that the two were holding hands.

"Well, you really ought to get going. Nezzer is right on his way, and -"

"You know, I really don't remember the wedding. I don't suppose you have the other photos, do you?"

Lunt hesitated. He did in fact have a rather large wedding scrapbook, and he was quite proud of it. "Well... I do... if you just... want to peek at it. Refresh your memory."

"I would love to! Such a shame I don't remember it. Do you remember which half of the wedding party I slept with?"

"The uh... the left half." Lunt said, and he retrieved the large binder from the basket beneath the coffee table. "Look, man, you're the reason most of us don't get together anymore. You always make it awkward, you know?" He took a seat on the couch, then paused. "Hey, was this blanket always laid out like this?"

"Ah... yes." Archibald said. "When I came in. You must've been napping earlier."

"...Usually I nap in my bed, but uh... all right. I guess I just believe you unquestioningly now, whatever moves the plot along."

"What?"

"What?"

"Oh, never mind. Let me see those photographs! The binder is lovely." Archibald sat down beside him.

"Oh, yeah, it's got our birthstone colors. See, mine is ruby, so it's got that red in there, and the other stripes - they're sapphire blue. I mean, it looks all like a pair of 3D glasses, and I had to repurpose a scrapbook cover because like - you know wedding binders are all flowers and pastels and hearts and - nothing wrong with that, but this suits us."

Archibald nodded. "I see. Ah, does that say Mister and Nebby in the little heart there?"

"Yeah, that's our names."

"No, but - well, I thought Nebby was short for -"

"No. It's just Nebby."

"Ah. And Mister?"

"It's my real first name. Look it up, you'll find an uncited article about it."

"Well, you can always trust those." Archibald said, and added, "So, I see the year there, at the top and -"

"You know, at this rate, we'll never get into these photos. This is going to be a pretty boring story."

"Why do you keep talking like that?"

"I'm sorry, I'm a little distracted by the fourth wall right now."

"The fourth... what?"

"That one. We just had it painted, and I just noticed it's the wrong shade."

"Oh, dear. It is a bit... more transparent, than the others." Archibald said, noticing as well. "Well, all right, let's just get into the photos then."

"You know, at first, I was a little nervous about letting you in. I thought you were - oh, this is probably going to sound silly, but I thought you were hitting on me."

"Heavens, no! No, of course not. Not after you told me you were married. Unless you're into that."

"I am not."

"Well... darn. What's Nezzer's thoughts on infidelity?"

"Ah, even if he were into it, which he is not, he definitely hates you, so... I wouldn't try."

"Bah. Bother. Well, if either of you change your minds -"

"We will not. Not a chance in the blazing fires of all of hell or for all the pennies in heaven, got that?"

"Well, I'm a bit confused on the 'pennies in heaven' thing, but yes, I currently am catching the drift."

"Good." Lunt opened to a page, neatly decorated with wedding stickers, cut up signatures from the guest book, and handwritten cursive notes with memories about the wedding from both Nezzer and Lunt. There had been a photo of the entire wedding party, and immediately, Archibald looked to the left half to see who he had gotten lucky with.

"Wow, I slept with Junior's mother?"

"What?"

He pointed.

"I don't... I don't know about your personal life, man... I..."

"No, no, you said the left half."

"I was being facetious. I don't... I don't really try to remember who you slept with."

He pointed. "Scooter?"

"...Sure. I guess."

"Dad Asparagus?"

"Oh, definitely. You're why Junior's parents are getting divorced."

"Is that the Fib from outer space?"

"Yeah well, he - he was your plus one. You were... sleeping with him too. You uh, you had a lot of lies going on with all your escapades." Lunt flipped forward a few pages and pointed to the much larger Fib at the cake cutting. "He nearly broke the roof off the venue. He had to watch from outside!"

"Ah, well, it's hardly my fault."

"It is literally your fault. You were the one at fault."

Lunt flipped open to another page, adorned with three photos: Nezzer and Lunt sharing a kiss, exchanging the beans, and them at the altar with an "I do" sticker above their head. "Ah, the rings." Lunt said. "You know, we were supposed to make necklaces out of them, but Nezzer wouldn't stop making Lord of the Beans jokes. I mean, it was a funny movie, but... well, I didn't like how he made me look in it, you know?"

"Did Nezzer write that one? I didn't remember."

"Oh, yeah. It was his writing debut. After almost always playing the villain, he asked Bob if he could take a shot at adapting those... ah, Token... books?"

"Tolkien, yes."

"Bob didn't really... like where he was going with it and made several changes, though. It was a lot of fighting, and that's kind of - uh, you sure you don't remember this? You were in that one, weren't you?"

"It was a small role."

"Oh, haha, I get it. Cause you were a Flobbit or whatever, right?"

"No, my parts were quite literally shot in a day."

"Ah. Well. I thought this was one of those unnecessary exposition things, but uh, that does make sense, actually. Well, anyway, that's another part of the reason Nezzer left the show. Him and Bob, they started fighting all the time. Bob called Nezzer a 'diva' once and it did not end well. Bob wasn't even invited to the wedding, you know? He was Madame Blueberry's plus-one. Of course, she didn't... she didn't know about the feud, but... ah, we had a lot of strange plus ones, though."

"How do you mean?"

Lunt flipped to another page, pointing to a large group shot of the wedding party. "Well, you see, we kinda already invited everyone as an individual, but of course, everyone had a plus one, so we had a lot of unfamiliar faces. You see, back there? There's this onion girl - she was an intern once, I think. I think one of the Scallions invited her. And uh, there was this prince there - I'm not even sure what he even was the prince of, but he showed up with the Bad Apple, who was the plus-one of Curly, and we tried to explain plus-ones didn't get their own plus-one, but uh, well, you try to explain that to a villain."

"Who's Curly?"

"You know, to be fair, we pretty much just mass-emailed our wedding invites. Probably was just in our contacts and we got confused."

"That seems like poor planning," Archibald remarked, and he tried to remember if he had gotten lucky with a Curly. "Oh, I remember Audrey. Fiesty weed, really just lonely. Of course, we've only hugged once, but -"

"Listen, man, I really do not want to hear any more about who you have and haven't had sex with. It's getting old."

"Well, maybe these wedding photos are getting old!"

Lunt gasped, and Archibald regretted his words immediately.

"Oh, dear. I'm sorry, Lunt. I don't mean to be so monstrous. It's a lovely scrapbook, and the wedding looks like it was wonderful. I truly wish I wasn't so drunk and remembered it." Archibald said with the honesty of an Eagle Scout. Specifically, an eagle who had pretended not to be an eagle, had lied about his age, and gone on to join the Boy Scouts so he could make up for his missed childhood as an egret who simply was not allowed to join the Eagle Scouts because they did not accept eagles. Which, in hindsight, was very dishonest, but the Eagle Scouts weren't any good either for discriminating against him, and no harm was done spare for a few pecked eyes in revenge. (He really only needed to peck out one for the badge.)

In any case, Archibald certainly meant it; he just also meant he wished he remembered who he slept with. It was difficult determining who was willing to rekindle old romances and who wasn't. "Say, Lunt, do you have a list of everyone who was at your wedding?"

"I mean, there was the guest book, but uh, that's currently part of my scrapbook."

"Okay, well, do you have a piece of paper and a pen?"

"Are you... planning to take an entire list of everyone at the wedding and use it to find the addresses of everyone you think you slept with that day? Because that's fucked up, man."

"No! No! And by the way, there has to be... at least two movies based around that premise that treat that as something very romantic, I'm sure."

"And I'm sure if there are, they've aged terribly."

"I would very much like a list of everyone who was at the wedding so I can... formally apologize, via a polite letter, for my behavior at the wedding."

Lunt sighed, getting up from the couch and retrieving a pen and paper from the kitchen drawer. He returned in defeat. "I wish I could believe you."

"If you didn't believe me you wouldn't help me."

"Actually, I really just want you out of the house. And frankly, you probably want to be gone before Nezzer gets back, because he will not be happy to see you."

"Oh, I'm sure he's not that mad about it. I imagine he'd be very happy to have an apology."

"Yeah. I'm sure you know my husband better than I do. Okay. It's your funeral." Lunt muttered. He wrote the names of everyone at the wedding on the paper, and he handed it to Archibald, who immediately crossed out 'Kahlil' and 'Kilt Bagpipe'.

"Why... why are you crossing them out? Is this a hitlist?"

"No! It's a hotlist." Archibald chuckled.

"Ooh, boy. Okay. Well, don't bother me again any time soon, okay?"

"Oh, I wasn't leaving just yet."

"Sure you are."

"I'm sorry?"

The door flew open forcefully, and a very pissed off Nezzer stood in the doorway with a paper bag in his arms.

"Oh, hey, you got the moo shu!" Lunt acknowledged cheerfully. If he had eyes, they would be full of adoration.

"He didn't do anything fucky, did he?" Nezzer asked with a suspicious eye on Archibald. He set down the takeout and braced himself to fight.

"Of course not! I merely sat and looked at your wedding scrapbook. It was lovely, really."

"Well, technically, that is all we did. Thankfully." Lunt said. "But -"

"Nezzer, I owe you quite the apology. I was quite the fool at your wedding, wasn't I?" Archibald said, interrupting Lunt.

"You were, yes," Nezzer answered, glaring at Archibald. "And I have no interest in hearing your excuses."

"Oh, I don't have any to offer. I never should've done what I did. I see how much it messed things up. And I am truly happy for the both of you, but -"

"Here it comes," Lunt muttered under his breath.

"Do you happen to remember who I slept with and who would be willing to do it again? Because I'm on this quest, see, and that's why I came here for Lunt, but - oh, don't worry, we didn't do anything, but -"

Nezzer wordlessly walked over to Archibald, lifted him from the ground, and spiraled him like a football out the door and across the lawn, headfirst into the tree across the street. While Archibald was recovering from the shock and recovering his bearings, Nezzer yelled out,

"If I see you around here again, I will end you!"

"My! You have a very good throw, Nezzer! You're very athletic!" Archibald dizzily called back. Nezzer, in turn, slammed the door shut. Archibald couldn't help but feel even more disappointed that neither one was interested, but he hoped they'd change their minds later.

For now, however, he had the Hotlist.