Archibald had spent some time tracking down addresses from the phone book into a little black book, which he kept, alongside the motorcycle, in his sweater pocket. He got an early start at seven am the next morning. He organized by geographical location, and it was no surprise when the first house he stumbled upon belonged to Petunia Rhubarb.

It was not a surprise because she had lived next door to him for the last eight years, and there was no reason for him not to have adjusted to that by now, no matter how little he paid attention to it. He knocked on the door, and Petunia ripped it open and announced, "Larry!"

Her smile fell away as she saw Archibald. "Oh, no. Oh, hell, no. I am not - no. Not putting up with your bull today, Archie; I have a date."

"You have a date at seven in the morning?"

"Larry and I are going to visit some yard sales. They start early."

"You never struck me as a yard sale person."

"Larry likes them, so I like them enough."

"Right. Well, are either you or Larry free later today?"

Petunia sighed. "What is it about?"

"Do you remember Lunt and Nezzer's wedding?"

"Sure! I was Nezzer's best man. Err, maid of honor? Man of honor? Best maid? Wait." Petunia reconsidered this in her head. "I stood closest to Nezzer in the entire wedding party."

"An honorable role. Anyway, I'm putting together a few blurry memories, you see -"

"Right, because you got shitfaced drunk."

"Well, do you remember... exactly what happened?"

Petunia bounced up and down excitedly. She wanted to gossip very badly; Archibald could tell. It was either that, or she had drunk far too much water that morning and was about to tell Archibald to scram.

"I mean, I've been told I was... in the middle of a few scandals that I simply do not recall."

"Well... just for a moment, okay? Because like, I really haven't gotten to gab with anyone since the wedding. Nezzer is always so busy, and Jerry - Jerry's a great listener, and he's fun, but he just doesn't talk much, and it's a little one-sided. And Larry, well, he doesn't really like gossip so it's like - oh, not that this is gossip. It's not. It's just... telling the truth. Or what I heard happened. I don't know, I was so busy, and Nezzer didn't really explain why he was so mad, and - you know, come on in, I'm going to just put a note out here for Larry letting him know to just come right in."

"Is that very safe? Letting someone know you left the door unlocked? Some absolute creep could come by and invite themselves right in!" Archibald said, completely oblivious to the irony juices marinating his words.

"Well, anyway, you wanted to know about the wedding, right?" Petunia said, absolutely ignoring the hell out of his words. "It was a really cute wedding ceremony. And Nezzer and Lunt - it was a long time coming, you know? They've been dating on-and-off since like, what was it? Rack, Shack, and Benny? I was just a production assistant back then, but that's really when Nezzer and I started chatting more, because he kept coming to me for advice and it was totally cute. They were soulmates, you know? Love at first sight. And -"

"Petunia, I was just drunk for the wedding, not the entirety of Big Idea's production history. I very well remember them dating." Archibald said, but truthfully, his memories of them dating were pretty limited. He simply didn't care. Unless it involved him getting it on with one of them more than a few times, he stored those memories in a locked box on a dusty shelf in his brain. A lot of his brain was dusty these days. It seemed to be from all the alcohol.

"Oh, right." Petunia chuckled. "Sorry, I'm getting ahead of myself. Anyway, I heard a lot of stuff went down at the bachelor party. Bob got drunk and confessed his undying love to both Larry and Madame Blueberry at the same time. It did not end well. Madame Blueberry admitted she used to like Bob but mostly she liked being single and also had a thing for one of the scallions. Actually a lot of people got shitfaced drunk. It was weird. But you're the only one who was drunk during the wedding so that kind of stood out. I think Jimmy tried to hit on that... Bad Apple lady. I don't know her name, actually. But it flopped, bad. Jerry and I were sitting there just kinda like, sipping on margaritas watching this shit go down and placing bets."

"So uh... that's well and good, but what about me?"

"What about you?"

"Do you remember if... I had any scandalous affairs?" Archibald asked, using particularly British emphasis on 'scandalous' for no particular reason except that it sounded better in a British accent, which he already had by default, so it was both redundant and effective.

Petunia laughed. "Oh, plenty. Yeah, but we all kinda agreed never to talk about it. Pretty much a blood oath thing for everyone involved."

"A... blood oath?"

"Yeah, so you're kinda out of luck, but if there's anybody you should ask who would tell you, I'd go for the Rumor Weed. She's pretty much always hanging around Bumblyberg."

"Which Bumblyberg, again?"

"Oh, um... North-South-Middle-Bumblyberg? The real gritty city with all the dark alleyways?"

"Right. Um... relatively speaking, where we live is... this is Central Bumblyberg, right?"

"Um, well, more West-Central. Technically."

"Right." Archibald considered this. "Well, I suppose I should go see Audrey, then."

"Who's... Audrey?"

"Rumor Weed. That's her real name."

"She has a real name? I didn't even realize she had like, parents to name her."

"I do believe she named herself." Archibald said. "Though I've never asked her about it. Last time I spoke to her, I had given her a hug, and I was really hoping it was going somewhere, but... well, she wasn't really interested for some reason. Can't imagine why. Ah, speaking of, Petunia, before Larry shows up, I don't suppose you'd be interested in anything further than gossip?"

"Hell no."

"Well, all right then, doesn't hurt to ask." Archibald said. "Ah, hypothetically, without... breaking your strange blood oath that I find frankly a little rude, do you suppose you could tell me... who I might want to visit next... besides Audrey? Like, who would be the best person to go for to... reconnect? Preferably someone who won't violently throw me into a tree."

"I'm not sure what you're asking, Archibald."

"Ah... I'm looking to romantically... reconnect with someone. You see, since Lovey left me, I've just been quite sad. So maybe if you knew anyone who still felt... some romantic feelings... and hadn't mentioned them to me..."

"You could try Jimmy, but I just don't think you should break his heart again."

"Again?" Archibald said in surprise. "I thought it was the Bad Apple who did that."

"No, that was before. Like I said, I am not supposed to tell you anymore." Petunia remarked. "Blood oaths are really important. You never break a blood oath between friends."

"I... I really don't understand this blood oath thing."

Before he could get anymore answers, the front door opened and Larry hurriedly hopped into the kitchen. "Sorry I'm late, Petunia! I saw this really awesome cat on my way here and tried to pet her, but she just was not having it, and -" Larry broke off when he saw Archibald, and if a cucumber could blush, well, Larry may as well have been a really fucked up looking tomato.

"Hello, Larryington." Archibald said, trying to sound dashing.

"Uh... what did you say?"

"Larryington. Your name."

"It's Larry." Larry said. "Short for Lawrence. You know that it's short for Lawrence, right?"

"Isn't Larryington your legal last name? Lawerence "Larry" Larryington the Cucumber?"

Larry looked at Archibald with confusion, considering this. Then, he looked at Petunia. "Hey, uh, is that my name?"

"No, Larry, I'm pretty sure it's not."

"Oh. Well, I do kind of like it, so I thought it might be." Larry shrugged, and turned and said to Archibald, "Anyway, if... if you're here for me-"

"Why would I go to Petunia's house to look for you? Wouldn't I go to your house?" Archibald remarked pointedly. "Besides, I know that all I have to do is call and -"

"Ah, hey. I told you, last time was the last time. Petunia and I are exclusive."

"Right. Until your next breakup." Archibald said with a smirk. He readjusted his monocle, which he had been wearing this entire story, although it had not been relevant to mention before or now.

"What is that supposed to mean?" Petunia asked, narrowing her eyes. "Larry and I are soulmates."

"You're as much of soulmates as two high schoolers on a teen drama. The quarterback and the cheerleader, so original."

"I was in theatre, actually."

"And my extracurricular activity was journalism. And by coincidence, I just also happened to cover the theatre a lot in our school newspaper." She smiled at Larry, who smiled back.

"Right, well... next time either of you go through your emotional breakup, we'll see who's crying to who," Archibald said with the airiness and haughtiness of someone who was too egotistical to admit he also often went through emotional breakups and cried very often to whoever had the patience to listen, and was really the pot calling the kettle black, except the kettle was really more of a blue-grey, and the pot was just kind of bad at telling colors because pots don't really have eyes, or for that matter, mouths to express what colors a pot or kettle might be. "Now, if you need me, I will be going to Bumblyberg - the Middle Bumblyberg -"

"North-South Middle Bumblyberg." Petunia corrected.

"Well, whichever. I will be going to meet with Audrey."

"Who's Audrey?" Lawrence "Larry" Larryington the Cucumber, as he was now considering the name change and was trying it out in his brain, asked.

"You know, the blonde weed who took over the city during one of our more... irresponsible superhero-and-butler roleplays?"

"Oh. Ha. Um... I wouldn't... call it that. That's uh... that was legitimate superheroness, you know." Larry said, his eyes darting to Petunia. "You know, we ought to get going before the yard sales are uh... out of all the... good... knick-knacks. I drove by Dad Asparagus's house, and he's selling some Art Bigotti collector plates!"

"Larry, you don't even like bowling," Petunia said with exasperation.

"No, Larry the Cucumber doesn't like bowling. But Lawrence Larryington the Cucumber might."

"That's not even your name!"

"But it could be."

Since Archibald was no longer the center of the conversation, he decidedly took his leave as the couple began to argue over Larry's legal name. Deciding that the motorcycle was better left in his shirt pocket, he hailed a cab and made his way to the home of the Rumor Weed. He checked his hotlist, noting that, conveniently, Jimmy Gourd lived there as well now, and it might be worth making two stops while he was there. Maybe three, if he was hungry.