There were two men that Archibald laid his eyes on, both laughing and having a drink at the bar. Two sexy Vegetable Daddies, who he imagined were talking about being sexy Vegetable Daddies. He also wanted to imagine that they were talking about him, but even he knew at this point that seemed unlikely. He was learning, unfortunately, that every Veggie in town was not interested in having sex with him, and this was very confusing and upsetting if he thought too hard about it, like when you eat ice cream too fast and get an ice cream headache and then become curious about what causes ice cream headaches so you start taking courses at the local community college so you can learn brain-science, but you never really remember what brain-science is called, and it takes way more math than you expected, so you drop out very deep in debt and very confused as to why you ever started this metaphor to begin with.

The first of the two asparagus' was a literal Vegetable Daddy. Dad Asparagus, the strapping specimen who maybe wasn't always the strapping specimen he saw today, was so much of a DILF that literally the entire town called him Dad. Somehow, he was the bad guy for acting on that at the wedding and causing a divorce. The hypocrisy!

The second asparagus was a little shorter than Dad Asparagus, with a glorious mustache that reminded him of the dearly departed Coolhil. He recognized him immediately from Dad Asparagus's prized limited edition collector's plate. Art Bigotti.

That's right. That's how he had won over Daddy Asparagus at the wedding. He remembered something! He had lured Dad Asparagus away from the wedding with the promise to show him his collection of limited edition collector's plates, and had gifted him with a replacement for the one Dad's piece-of-shit, lying child broke. Dad Asparagus had kissed him! Some people still had good taste.

He had a history with Dad Asparagus, but hooking up with a celebrity would certainly add a little pizazz to his Hotlist.

Who should Archibald choose?

(Path A - "find out if Dad Asparagus earned his Daddy status")

(Path B - "Put the BIG in Bigotti")

Just kidding. This website doesn't work in choices! What do you think this is? A choose-your-own-boyfriend story? Did you see the title of this chapter? It's set in a bowling alley! What about the BALL puns? The strike puns? The sexy, sexy sound of pins being knocked over?

The very least he could try for was a threesome. They call that joining a Bowling League.

He approached, swaying his non-existent hips so that they knew he had the figure of a pro bowler. Actually, he had more of the figure of a bowling pin, but that was the curse of being born asparagus-shaped, and nonetheless, he was a very sexy bowling pin, in his own opinion. "Ah! Dad! It's wonderful to see you again! And who is this? The man from your plate?"

"Oh, no! Oh, don't you dare!" Dad's voice rose in a panic. "I can't take this right now; the divorce has been hard enough on me."

Art Bigotti scowled at him silently.

"I would say I owe you an apology, but I'm never sorry for anything," Archibald admitted. "Besides, I don't owe you one at all. You initiated."

"Please just leave me alone. It was a mistake! And it could've stayed a mistake if you would've just minded your business and not announced it at the wedding."

"Oh." Archibald added softly, "They really shouldn't have let me give a speech."

"They didn't! You knocked over Miss Achmetha when she gave her Best Man Speech and announced the venue was on fire!"

"Oh, dear. Did I? I really don't remember most of the night."

"Poor Miss Achmetha was trampled. And when you got everyone outside, you announced that the venue was on fire with 'love' and launched into a speech! Half of which you stole from Miss Achmetha's notes!"

"Right." Archibald raised an eyebrow. "But I'm charming and British, and I basically have cheekbones. I'm allowed to do stuff like that. It's sexy."

"Please, Archibald, don't you think you've done enough?" Art Bigotti asked, speaking for the first time. At least, for the first time in this conversation, it's not as if he had never spoken before and only just decided his very first words would be a full sentence admonishing Archibald for his life choices.

"Wow, I'm literally being attacked right now. By the Bob Ross of Bowling, no less! That's just so hurtful. What did I do to any of you to make you hate me? Aside from all the bad stuff, I mean."

"I don't hate you; I just can't afford any more heartbreak!" Dad Asparagus said, and he began to weep, which was a major turnoff. Not men being emotional, that was very often a turn on, but the amount of snot coming from Dad Asparagus's nose was... well, unholy.

"Well, when you get a little richer, feel free to give me a call," Archibald said, and he looked to Art Bigotti, who looked back. He took this looking as an invitation and leaned casually against the bar counter, giving a smirk. "So, how accurate is the Big in Bigotti?"

"Get out."

"Oh, come now! This isn't how this is supposed to go! I'm getting really tired of this! It's like everybody hates me. If this keeps up, I'm going to quit! I swear!"

"Good! Quit!" the Bob Ross of Bowling snapped.

";_;" Archibald somehow said aloud, before trudging sadly out of the bowling alley. Luckily for him, he ran into an old friend.

Who did Archibald run into?

(seriously there are no choices) (choices are an illusion) (find out next time on Dragon Ball Z)