Chapter 4 – The Fear Of Battle
Rei Ayanami stood looking into her mirror in her dingy and dark apartment. A single red eye stared back at her. For some reason she felt that she looked different. She knew rationally that nothing had changed in her soft features but still... she felt that her appearance had shifted.
She had never liked the color of her eyes, red, the color of blood... Before when she looked at herself in a mirror she had felt those eyes were empty, just like she had been. Now, there was fire there. There was light in that crimson orb that stared back at her. There was determination and depth. There was passion and will. There was compassion and empathy. It was... as if her appearance had changed to show how much she had changed in the lives she'd lived. She found that she was... starting to appreciate those eyes of hers. It is said that eyes are the window to the soul... she thought to herself. I truly am not the same as I was.
Her stay at the hospital had given her much time to come to terms with her situation along with hours upon hours of boredom. She had been released and returned to school the previous day. No one had really said much to her, only the class representative Hikari Horaki had spared her any words but those were mostly to give her homework assignments she had missed while away. A couple people had given her concerned looks and whispered about how banged up she looked with her arm in a sling and a bandage over her eye but no one had asked her about her injuries. In spite of this it was still... nice to break the isolation and be around other people. Now it was mid afternoon after her second day back to her usual routine and it was... wearing on her.
She walked over to her bed and sat down. She realized that she no longer felt comfortable in the apartment she'd been issued. It wasn't that it wasn't adequate for sustaining her needs it was simply... isolating. She was beginning to realize she did not like isolation. Not only that but it was not secure. She had never cared that she had no lock on her door but now she did. Before she had not cared if harm had befallen her. Now... the thought of death and the possibility of losing her precious memories terrified her. She made a mental note to put in a work order at the very least. Hopefully the commander would approve it.
Speaking of the commander, Rei had also ample time to assess what to do going forward while in the hospital. She'd concluded that it would be incredibly difficult to outwit Commander Ikari to the end of avoiding Third Impact to a nearly impossible degree. If she was to do so she would have to be incredibly careful so that he would not simply replace her. Then there was the added difficulty of the future dummy plug tests and calibrations. If her memories were to cause errors and the source of those errors were to be correctly deduced then she doubted she would survive long afterwards.
The closest thing that she had to a plan was to find some way to convince the commander of the error of his ways. She knew that despite being a very cold person he was not entirely heartless. He might be without a care for her but he certainly cared for Dr. Ikari and to some extent Ikari-kun. Perhaps she could find a way to play that angle. However, doing so seemed impossible. She felt herself fidgeting with her uniform's skirt. Sitting alone and stewing in those thoughts was driving her mad.
She looked over to her nightstand. She had discarded the commander's glasses the moment she could move on her own. It was strange. Even though she did not want them she half expected them to be there. Yet another reminder of how much she had changed. It was also a reminder of how alone she really was. She had realized that the one person who had been her friend was practically a complete stranger.
She had seen him when she'd returned to school and he'd not so much as looked her way. It was just like before when he'd first arrived. She'd stared at him, studying him, analyzing him. The more she did so throughout the day, the more hollow she felt. She realized that despite gaining so much upon her awakening in the hospital she had also lost something precious.
Ikari-kun did not know her. He did not recognize her. He did not remember her. That realization was haunting. All those memories she had with him were only memories. Except, in this life, they never happened at all. Those happy feelings and moments she remembered might as well have never happened at all. If she wanted to experience the warmth that she felt from him she would have to get to know him all over again from scratch. How would she approach him? How could she approach him? What if she only succeeded in pushing him away?
She could not rely on him or confide in him when she desperately wanted that. The realization that she couldn't was painful. She felt her eyes getting cloudy and her throat closing up. Rei clutched the edge of her skirt tightly. She was afraid and alone and all she wanted was for Ikari-kun to hold her hand. She felt the tears hitting the back of her hands and she did not care.
It was such a cruel truth. Despite the beauty and grace of the gift that Yui Ikari had been given her, it was starting to feel bittersweet. She finally understood what it meant to be utterly and truly alone... "I am lonely," she whispered to the empty room. "I dislike this feeling. I do not wish to be alone..."
Nothing and no one answered her. There was nothing but a deafening silence and the ambient sounds of construction in the distance. The fact that no one was there to hear her lament only brought more tears to her crimson eyes.
"Position target in the center and pull the switch... Position target in the center and pull the switch..." Shinji Ikari repeated lifelessly over and over again like some kind of deranged madman. It had been exactly one week since he'd joined NERV officially as the pilot of Evangelion Unit 01 and almost every day had been filled with training exercises and synchronization tests. So it was that he sat in the entry plug today, performing simulated target shooting drills.
It was mind numbing, the training that is. It was hours of sitting in a plug breathing LCL and doing repetitive tasks. Then of course afterwards he had to wash the stuff off of himself. Shinji hated how it smelled like blood as soon as he left his entry plug. At least, he had been going to school in Tokyo 3. He'd started attending the junior high as soon as he'd settled in. It was a godsend he felt. After what had initially welcomed him to the city he'd welcomed the return to some form of normalcy. It didn't much take his mind off of the fears he had about what was to come but it was still a pleasant distraction. He'd been informed that there would be more Angels and he would be forced into combat again though he had no idea when. He hadn't made any friends and hadn't bothered to. He wasn't good at that sort of thing so it was better to just not try. He'd thought about reaching out to that Ayanami girl but... why would she want to be friends with someone like him? She was a real Eva pilot, he was just a spare that his father had called in at the last minute...
The radio in the entry plug crackled to life. "That's enough for today Shinji-kun. You've got good grasp of the basics of the targeting system. Good work," Ritsuko informed him.
He was shaken from his hypnotic trance of shooting targets in the simulator. "Thank you, ah, Ritsuko-san," he stammered.
He powered the Eva down and exhaled deeply. Thank goodness it was over. He didn't think he could take another minute of the worlds most expensive Nintendo Duck Hut. In a matter of moments he was extracted from the plug and he quickly made his way to the showers to wash off the fetid and foul smelling LCL.
No matter how much he scrubbed himself he could never seem to get the smell off. It was becoming a fact of life for him. Even his civilian clothes had taken on a faint hint of blood. A part of him was curious as to what the substance really was but he chastised himself for that. Better leave some things to question.
He got himself dressed after his shower and met Misato outside the locker rooms. She greeted him with a warm smile. "You feeling alright kiddo?" she asked.
He blushed. He still couldn't get used to her treating him as she did. He knew it was in good nature but it still was a bit awkward. "Yeah," he replied, forcing a smile. "I'm fine."
Misato nodded. "Good to hear," she returned. "So... what are you feeling for dinner?"
He paused for a moment. Anything but Misato's horrendous instant meals or worse her home cooked dishes. The woman could ruin instant ramen if that was even possible. "What are you in mood for?" he asked rhetorically. He had accepted within the first few days of living with her that if he wanted anything edible that he'd have to cook it himself of order out.
"I was thinking some curry tonight," she said with a playful laugh and a wink. "I can't have you cooking every night, Shinji-kun."
Shinji's eyes widened. "You- you don't have to," he stammered.
Misato waved her hand dismissively. "I insist," she replied. "You did well today. Besides, you've been cooking every night! You deserve to take a break."
Shinji cringed inwardly. If the Angels weren't going to kill him, Misato's cooking certainly would.
Ritsuko Akagi sat in her her office crunching numbers as usual. She had been looking through the data from Shinji synchronization tests and his harmonics tests. The boy appeared like a natural Eva pilot. Still, she had realized that the boy did not like piloting. He simply kept on doing it because it was easier to do what others asked of him. In that way she couldn't help but feel sorry for him. It wasn't much different from how she got through things. She did everything she was told just because maybe then Commander Ikari would... she shook her head and pushed the thought out of her mind. It was too much of a distraction while she was sifting through spreadsheets.
She snubbed probably her seventh cigarette of the afternoon out in the little plastic ashtray that was overflowing on her desk. She sighed. "No matter how much I do this there's always more to do," she muttered to herself.
There was a knock on her door. "Come in," she called out, looking over at the door.
The door opened to reveal Vice Commander Fuyutsuki. He stepped into the room and gave her a small nod. "Is Ikari's son improving?" he asked.
She nodded. It was just like Gendo to send someone else to check up on his son. The man sure loved keeping distance between himself and others. "Yes sir," she replied. "His scores are all at operational levels."
Fuyutsuki nodded. "I read your report on Ayanami," he stated. "Do you think that she will be ready by the time of Unit 00's reactivation?"
Ritsuko had given the blue haired girl quite a bit of thought recently. It was odd. There was a subtle change in her usually distant personality. She felt a bit glad for it as she had always been rather withdrawn but it still came as a shock. She'd never once heard her use words of gratitude toward another person. She was much like the commander in that regard who rarely expressed thanks for anything. It wasn't much, but for Rei to have such a shift in her personality in the wake of her accident, it was worrying. If it was simply a reassessment of her life on her part in the wake of a traumatic even then all was well. Still, she couldn't rule out brain damage, despite the numerous MRIs coming up clear. Her... biology was different after all. It was strange, she found herself actually a bit concerned about the blue haired girl... "Yes sir," she replied. "She'll be ready."
"I do hope so," he replied turning away and placing his hands together behind his back. "Things are starting to move faster. We need to be as prepared as possible."
Ritsuko frowned. Indeed it was true. It did seem like they were running out of time to prepare for whatever was to come. "And Unit 02 in Germany?" She asked. "Will it be transferred?"
"That awaits to be seen," he replied. "I have been attempting to convince the committee to allow it. Ikari doesn't believe it is necessary yet."
Ritsuko's frown deepened. He must be planning something, Gendo must be. The man was always planning and plotting and scheming. Deep down she knew that she was already wrapped on in his machinations and probably too deep to get out. "A few more close calls and he'll come around," she stated.
Fuyutsuki turned back to her with a contemplative look. "I hope you're right," he replied before walking out of the office.
"I understand that you've returned to school," Commander Ikari stated flatly before levying an inquiry. "Have you been catching up on your homework?"
"Yes sir," she replied, her tone level and impassive as ever.
Rei stood before Commander Ikari in his office. He had requested to see her to report on her status. It was a formality thinly concealing his need to keep eyes on her. Being in his presence unsettled her but she knew how to remain calm and collected. He had taught her that himself with his example and it certainly was useful at times, especially times like this.
"Good," the commander replied. "So long as it does not effect your duties to NERV and your ultimate purpose."
She nodded, keeping a straight face. She understood all too well what he was getting at. It made her skin crawl. She wished to change the subject to something more pleasant.
"I understand that you placed a work order for your apartment," he spoke. "Why?"
She tensed slightly. Apparently the form she'd submitted had been processed far quicker than she'd imagined. She'd only submitted it earlier in the day. "My apartment is located in an area where crime has been on the rise," she replied, careful to keep her tone as level as possible.
"We have agents patrolling your building, it is not necessary," he returned.
She thought for a moment on how to reply. She needed to reply in a way that he would not become suspicious so he would not entertain the thought of having her replaced. All she wanted was a lock on her door... "Should I become injured due to a lapse in security it would hinder my ability to pilot the Eva," she replied.
Commander Ikari stared at her intently. Though she couldn't see his eyes she could feel them boring holes in her head. She stood as still as she could and forced herself to meet his gaze when everything in her being told her to look away, to run away... "Request granted," the commander eventually answered.
Rei let out the breath she did not ever realize she had been holding. He had actually obliged her. She'd never asked anything of him before and... he'd granted her request. Despite everything she felt for him she couldn't help but feel genuine gratitude. "Thank you, sir," she returned.
She could have sworn she saw him flinch but with the dim lighting of his office it could have been just a trick of the shadows. "If there is nothing else you may leave," he stated coldly.
"Pilot Ikari is in my class," she spoke. It was a statement, one that she made without even thinking. Still, it was something to talk about other than Eva and her role in his designs.
The commander remained at his desk, the gloved hands clasped in front of his face and the reflection off his glasses betraying nothing of what he was thinking. "I see..." he muttered, his tone changing ever so slightly. It seemed somehow... softer. "Has he spoken to you?"
"No sir," she replied. Despite my wish for him to do so... she thought inwardly.
Commander Ikari turned around in his chair and faced out the window. "You are dismissed," he replied.
Rei stared at the commander for a moment before turning to leave. His reaction at the mention of Ikari-kun was puzzling. She knew that the two were distant but now she found herself asking why. Why were the two so far apart when clearly the commander had some sort of attachment to his son. Why had she never noticed it before? Was she really that blind in the past?
Perhaps there was something there that she could use that to her advantage, but what? Though she knew the commander's motivations he was still very much hard to read. At the very least she had discovered much to her relief that he could be reasoned with to a certain degree. He had allowed her a lock for her apartment. That was a change. It wasn't much but it was something. It was proof that if she worked at it she could actually sway his decision. Still... getting him to abort his scenario would be a monumental feat. To that end, a concrete plan evaded her.
Even after she left the halls of NERV and had returned to her apartment she remained deep in contemplation, reflecting on the people who she knew and known as well as the future that lay ahead. Soon the Fourth Angel would arrive in Tokyo 3. Time to figure out a plan of action to truly change the course of events and alter her destiny was running thin...
It was early morning and Shinji was set to head to school. It had been over three weeks since he'd started working for NERV and he was half way through his third week of school in Tokyo 3. He got dressed just like any other morning and got himself ready to go. Misato wasn't up yet which he found disappointing. He found he enjoyed sharing a few words with her over breakfast before he headed off. So it was that his morning consisted of rice and miso in silence without any company except for Penpen who was loafing about on the floor without a care in the world.
After finishing his spartan breakfast he was set to leave for school but he felt he should at least let Misato know that he was taking off. He knocked gently on her door. When she didn't answer he slid the door open just a little. "Um, Misato-san? It's morning," he stated.
Misato Yawned under her covers. "I just got back from night duty a little while ago," she murmured and wrapped her blankets tighter around herself. "I don't have to go to work until this evening so please let me sleep."
It seemed she didn't want to be disturbed. "Okay," he replied. "I'm heading to school now." As he was about to shut her door she spoke again
"Isn't today Thursday?" Misato asked.
"Yeah," Shinji replied.
"It's burnable trash day," she added, extending her hand out from the covers to lazily wave at him. "Take it to the garbage on the way out."
"Okay," he murmured in reply, a little frown spreading across his face. Wasn't it her day to take out the garbage?
"So how's school?" she asked.
"It's okay," he replied reflexively. Even if it wasn't okay he would have said the same thing. What would be the point in worrying her? He didn't like when people fretted over him, he never had.
Misato yawned. "Oh, okay," she said. "See you later.
"See you later," Shinji replied, gently shutting the door. He sighed and looked into the kitchen where two large bags of trash sat. Why was it always him who had to take care of everything around the house? He shook his head and put the thought out of his mind. He should be more grateful. She did take him in after all...
He lugged the trash out to the curb with great difficulty and began his slow walk to school. On the way he pulled out a pair of earphones and plugged them into his SDAT cassette player. He put the earphones in his ears. The music always helped to keep his mind off of his problems and all the things that he didn't want to deal with. When the music was playing he could forget about the world and his depressing place in it.
Touji Suzuhara marched through the halls of Tokyo 3 Junior High. On his way in he'd been reprimanded for wearing his school tracksuit outside of track and field on the way in but he didn't care much for the rules. Thankfully when he reminded the accosting teacher of his current predicament they showed leniency. Normally he wouldn't care about getting a detention or referral but today was different. He had a place to be as soon as school was over...
He was not in the best of moods. No, correction, he was right pissed off. He'd been in a sour mood ever since the day after that giant robot had stomped all over the city while fighting whatever the hell that monster was. His little sister Sakura had been injured severely when a building had collapsed. Ever since his mother had died he'd done his best to care for his sister when his father was at work. The fact that he'd not been able to protect her pissed him off. The fact that whoever was the pilot had thrashed half the city while fighting that thing and caused her injuries really pissed him off.
He opened the door to his classroom to see his friend Kensuke Aida speaking with the class repetitive Hikari Horaki. "T- Touji-kun!" Kensuke stammered, his signature camcorder still up to his eye.
He'd known Kensuke since elementary school. Though they were different in a lot of ways considering Kensuke's otaku interests he was still his best friend. Ever since he'd beat up a couple of jerks who had smashed one of Kensuke's model planes they'd been inseparable. Touji appreciated Kensuke's ability to put things in perspective. He really helped him keep a level head... most of the time.
The class rep was a different story. He had... mixed feelings about her. He had to admit that she was kind of cute but she was always up his ass about schoolwork and the school dress code. He knew that she was trying to look out for him but the way it came off was just annoying most of the time. Why couldn't she just understand that academics was not his strong suit?
He stepped into the room and nodded to the class rep as she stepped away towards her seat. Touji threw his bag onto his desk before sitting down. "Where is everyone?" he grumbled. "Our entire class disappear or what?"
"They've all either evacuated or they've transferred to other schools," Kensuke replied. "No one wants to stay here after that last battle inside the city."
Touji smirked. "Yeah, you're probably the only one who's enjoying the chance to see a real war," he glibly replied.
"That's true," Kensuke returned. "And speaking of which, where have you been Touji-kun? Why were you absent so long? Did you get involved in the war?
Touji scowled. "No, but my little sister did," he bit out.
"Oh..." Kensuke murmured, finally putting down his camcorder.
Touji continued. He needed to vent. "She was crushed under a pile of debris. She survived but she's been in the hospital ever since. Both my dad and grandad are working at the lab and there's no way they can leave their post so... if I'm not with her then she's all alone..."
He clenched his fists. All talking about it was doing was getting him wound up again. "That robot's pilot was really dumb! It makes me so angry!" he shouted. "How could he wreck our own city? What did that stupid idiot think he was doing!?"
"Speaking of the pilot," Kensuke interjected. "Have you heard the rumor about the transfer student?"
Touji had not heard any rumors. He'd been away from school so how the hell would he? He didn't even know about any new kid coming to school. "What transfer student?" he asked.
Kensuke nodded toward the front of the room. "Him over there," he said.
Touji looked in front of the room and saw a scrawny boy with headphones in his ears who was staring at the blank chalkboard. "He transferred in while you were absent, right after the giant robot incident," Kensuke finished. "Don't you think that's a bit of an odd coincidence?"
Before Touji could respond, their teacher entered the room. Hikari called everyone to rise and bow and soon the class was in session. Touji couldn't pay attention. He was too busy eyeing the new kid. Even though it was just a rumor, it was indeed an odd coincidence...
Their teacher went on and on about Second Impact and it's effects on the world, things that Touji had head hundreds of times by now from his dad and grandad. The whole class was sitting on their school issued red laptops and taking notes or using the school instant messenger. He himself was sitting and observing the new kid, looking for any sign of anything suspicions. He looked like just any other kid if only a bit quiet. There was no way that he could be the pilot with his demeanor? The kid looked like he couldn't hurt a fly!
Then he watched as the new kid tensed up and looked around the room. Touji followed his gaze to a pair of girls waving at him. The new kid turned back around and stared intently at his screen before typing something. Half a second later, the entire class exploded into activity.
Almost every girl in the class was instantly clamoring around the new guy. "Hey! Sit down you guys!" he heard Hikari yell. "This is still a class you know!"
He sat there listening to the clamoring voices and his gaze turned dark. He couldn't hear everything but he could hear enough. The rumors were true. The new kid was the pilot of that giant robot. Did he have any concept or idea of what he'd done to the city? He seemed so nonchalant and dismissive about it. That pissed him off. He knew that it wasn't intentional what had happened to his sister but after seeing her all bandaged up... he had to do something. He wouldn't be satisfied until he dished a fine serving of knuckle sandwich.
Shinji was walking outside on the school grounds during lunch. Almost the instant that he'd said yes to that stupid question on the network messenger he'd regretted it. He had thought that he'd get a little bit of praise and recognition for being the pilot and who was he to lie to them? When nearly everyone had rushed him and started asking him all sorts of questions all he'd wanted to do was slink away from it. Still... It was kind of nice having that praise and attention, even if it was superficial. All he'd done anyway was sit in the cockpit and get the crap beat out of him until the Eva had somehow taken over for him...
"Hey you!" a voice shouted out to him.
He turned around to see the guy from his class who'd come in wearing the school tracksuit marching up to him with the otaku looking kid with the camcorder beside him. The one in the tracksuit looked angry. Why was he angry? Was he angry at him? If so, why? "Uh, yeah?" he replied, confused.
The guy in the tracksuit glared at him. "So you're the pilot of that robot, huh?" he asked.
Shinji blinked. "Yeah, I am," he replied meekly.
Suddenly he saw stars. He fell back into the dirt with his jaw throbbing in pain. It took him a moment to realize that he'd been punched and that both his nose and his lip were bleeding. He sat up and wiped his lip with the back of his hand. "Sorry new kid," his assailant said whilst cracking his knuckles. "I had to clobber you. I had to pop you one to work off my anger."
The otaku looking boy with glasses leaned in with a sympathetic look. "He's mean, huh?" he said cheerfully. "His sister was injured the last time you and your robot fought a battle. Well, that's his exuse anyway."
The pair turned to leave, leaving him sitting there on the ground. Shinji gritted his teeth. Why did he have to suffer for something that wasn't his fault? Why did he only seem to receive pain despite doing everything that was asked of him? "I didn't have a choice," he bit out. "They made me pilot the stupid thing!"
In seconds the jock had grabbed him by the front of his shirt and pulled him halfway to his feet. What was the point in defending himself? It didn't help anything... might as well just sit there and take it. He could feel the boy's angry glare on him but he couldn't meet his gaze. He really was a coward...
He felt another sharp blow connect against his cheek and he laid sprawled on the ground, unable and unwilling to stand. Every time he'd ever stood up for himself had ended up like this. Might as well just stay down...
The order of events was similar to how she remembered it but the exact mechanism of certain events was different. If she was remembering correctly... Ikari-kun revealed to the class that he was the pilot of Unit 01 casually in conversation in her past life. Here he'd revealed that he was the pilot over the school network messenger application. The entire class had swarmed him and she'd seen how awkward and uncomfortable he was. She'd wanted to pull him away but knew that in her current injured state that she would have been unable to. So she was forced to sit there and watch as he awkwardly answered their questions.
Now she was sitting in class during lunch hour, staring out the window. That was something she'd done before that was comfortable. She liked watching the clouds and the birds as they passed, listening to the sounds of nature. It was... soothing. It took her mind off of the complex dilemmas that she faced. She looked down below and saw Touji Suzuhara and Kensuke Aida approaching Ikari-kun. She knew how this would play out, she'd seen it before. She watched as Suzuhara punched Ikari-kun, walk away, and then punch him again. What she hadn't expected was for him to just... lay there on the ground. The Ikari-kun that she remembered hadn't done that. She stared at him, her brow knitting in concern. Why was he just laying there? Was he alright?
Her cell phone rang. She knew that it was official business as no one other than a select few at NERV had access to her number. She picked up on the second ring and placed the receiver to her ear. "Yes?" she answered.
The commander's level voice issued forth. "Rei, I've been informed that the Fourth Angel has been spotted. Retrieve the Third Child and rendezvous at headquarters as soon as possible," he stated before hanging up.
She felt her eyes go wide as she pulled the phone from her ear and place it in her skirt pocket. This was different. If she remembered correctly the Angel wasn't supposed to show up until the next day or so... This was strange. What else was different that lay ahead, she could only wonder. She stood from her desk and briskly left the classroom.
When she got outside Ikari-kun was still laying on the ground. She walked up to him and he regarded her with a curious expression. Why did it make her nervous? Why was she finding it hard to speak? She'd spoken to him before but he was different now. She was different and she realized...
This whole interaction could be different. If she wanted to change the future, she might as well start now.
Her brow knitted as she stared down at him where he lay. She didn't like seeing him in distress... She remembered how she'd acted the last time she'd told him about the alert. That time they'd been on the roof and she'd immediately dashed away as soon as she'd told him. Now she was frozen and couldn't find the words to just tell him. She didn't want to just tell him and leave. She wanted to speak to him and now was her chance.
"Are you alright?" she asked.
Ikari-kun blinked and his mouth fell open a little. She tensed. Had she upset him? He shuffled to his feet. "Yeah," he murmured. "I'm okay."
She noticed the faint stain of blood on his upper lip. Suzuhara must have hit him hard. "You have blood on your face," she stated. She knew why he'd done it but... she wanted to ask him anyway. She had... missed talking with him in the last few days. "Why did Suzuhara punch you?"
He looked away, scowling. Again she wondered if she'd upset him. "Apparently his sister got hurt in the last battle..." he muttered. "I deserved it..."
No you do not... she thought inwardly. She realized that he was in distress not because of her but because of his own misplaced guilt. It made her heart ache... She frowned. "Why do you think that?" she asked.
He looked at her, a sad expression on his face as he spoke. "If I'd been able to fight and the Eva hadn't gone berserk his sister might not have been injured."
Rei met his gaze. She could feel his sadness and his pain. If only he could see himself how she saw him... "That is not your fault," she replied. "Your choice to pilot the Eva saved many." she hesitated for a moment, her stomach tying itself in a knot. "It saved me..."
His eyes went wide and his cheeks turned a little red. He looked away and scratched his head. "Ah... don't mention it," he muttered, a nervous smile washing over his face.
She felt warm. She liked it when he smiled. "It is the truth," she replied.
He shuffled his feet. "Yeah... I guess," he voiced nervously. "I couldn't just let you do it with how injured you were..."
She nodded. She felt a lump in her throat. Even if he was a bit different, he was still Shinji Ikari... She wanted to express gratitude over his concern and his gallantry. It was the right thing to do. "Thank you for piloting," she returned, a smile spreading across her face. She remembered the first time she'd ever done that was at his encouraging and now it only felt natural. It felt right.
He smiled nervously and looked away again. "Don't mention it..." he replied softly.
Silence fell between them. Rei knew that she had to inform him about the Angel but she knew as soon as she did that smile he wore would disappear. The thought was upsetting. She was used to being quiet but she wasn't used to not being able to find the right words. It was an uncomfortable feeling... She felt her own smile fade. "Ikari-kun..." she murmured.
"Ayanami?" Ikari-kun spoke, stepping a little closer to her. "Is there something wrong?"
There really was no way around it. They had to do their duty after all... "I was informed that an Angel has been sighted. The two of us are to report to NERV immediately," she said. "I will accompany you there."
Immediately the smile on Ikari-kun's face disappeared like a puff of smoke. "I see..." he grumbled.
Rei felt her heart sink like a stone. She knew how much pain piloting Eva caused him. It caused her pain as well. It was a burden they shared that they could relate to each other through. She steadied herself as she turned away from him to start their run to NERV. She knew he was afraid but she also knew that he would prevail. "We need to go," she stated flatly.
He stepped up beside her and they began their dash towards NERV. "Does it get any easier?" he asked after a while.
Rei couldn't find an answer to that question. Everything around her had become so complicated... "I don't know," she replied after a moment of hesitation.
The sirens warning of an attack began to sound as they ran towards the nearest entrance to NERV's subterranean fortress. Ikari-kun remained silent after that. She found she wanted to say something, anything, to keep the conversation going but she couldn't find the words. She detested that. The feeling of not being able to articulate and put into words ones emotions was a new and greatly unpleasant feeling but she realized...
It was just another part of being... human.
Misato Katsuragi stood in NERV central command watching the Fourth Angel on the command screen. It was quite a bit different in appearance compared to its predecessor. Where as the Third had been somewhat humanoid in appearance, this one appeared like some kind of horseshoe crab and caterpillar combination that somehow was flying through the air without wings. Two large unblinking eyes sat atop it's oblong burgundy head. The thing was truly a bizarre sight. That thing is even uglier than the last one, she thought.
"Our cameras have sighted the target. It's penetrated out territorial waters," Lt. Aoba called out from beside her.
"Assume battle stations, level one!" Vice commander Fuyutsuki ordered from up above on the higher deck.
Misato found it odd that Commander Ikari was not present. Apparently he had business away from NERV. "Roger!" she shouted. "Prepare for anti-air inception!"
She watched on the screens and Tokyo 3 transformed to its battle configuration and listened as the staff around her called out status reports by the second. She was worried. The pilots had arrived and were on standby but she was worried none the less. Rei was still out of action and Shinji... she worried about his mental state.
Earlier in the day Ritsuko had called her to see how he'd been settling in living with her. She had been nothing but honest about her worries for him. She'd bought him a cell phone so he could keep in contact with her and anyone he knew back home but... no one had called him. It really seemed like he didn't have any friends. It from what she'd seen, he wasn't good at getting close to people. It made her worried about his mental health. An unstable mental state did not bode well for combat performance which was why she was worried. Not to mention Shinji was still a novice in the realm of actual combat...
For the Angels to be defeated the pilots needed to be on point. Shinji needed to be on his A game today.
"Status of civilians and noncombatants?" she questioned Aoba.
"We've received reports that civilian evacuation has been completed," the long haired lieutenant replied coolly.
She looked back up at the screen at the images coming in of her sworn enemy. At least the populace of the city was mostly safe. Everything else about this situation was incredibly inconvenient. "The Fourth Angel would show up while Commander Ikari is away," she spat. "It's a lot sooner than we expected."
Lt. Hyuga turned around in his seat. "The last time they gave us fifteen years," he stated. "This time around the break's only been three weeks."
"They never care about our situation do they?" she lamented. Of course they wouldn't. Why would eldritch abominations care about their problems? "They're the kind we women hate the most..."
The automated defense systems began opening fire on the Angel to absolutely no effect. There really was the point of blasting at it when its A.T. Field would block any conventional weapons they threw at it yet it was all part of procedure. "Such a waste of the taxpayer's money..." she heard Vice Commander Fuyutsuki mutter from up above.
"The committee is demanding that we dispatch an Evangelion again," Aoba informed her.
Misato scowled. Of course the committee would demand that, they knew as well as anyone at NERV that the Evas were the only way to defeat the threat. Now was the moment of truth. Hopefully Shinji wouldn't let her down... "They're more obnoxious than the Angels," she hissed. "I'd have mobilized even if they hadn't asked."
Touji was sitting in the school's assigned bomb shelter and was fast becoming restless. He was staring up at the ceiling at the lights and trying his best not to think too hard about what he'd done to the new kid. Even though he deserved it he still felt bad about hitting him the second time. He was still a defender of the city after all. Beside him sat Kensuke who was watching the news on a portable television.
"Not again!" Kensuke whined.
Touji looked over. "Just text messages again?" he asked.
Kensuke showed him the screen. "It's news censorship," he grumbled. "The government won't let them show any of the battle to us civilians even though it's an incredible historic event..."
Rumblings of explosions could be heard overhead. Touji frowned. Guess the battle is underway... he thought to himself. He really was beginning to regret punching the new kid. He was guaranteed to be up their fighting...
Kensuke leaned over to him. "Hey, I need to talk to you privately for a second," he whispered.
He looked at his friend incredulously. "What for?" he asked.
Kensuke's brow knitted. "Come on! Please?" he begged.
Touji sighed. "Oh alright..." he muttered. He found his friend's request suspect. What could Kensuke possibly want to talk about. Somehow he knew it would be some sort of crazy idea... "Hey! Class Rep!" he called across the room.
Hikari turned around to regard him, an annoyed look on her face. "Now what?" she inquired.
"We've both gotta go to the bathroom," he returned.
Hikari glared at him. He winced. He didn't really like getting her worked up. "You were supposed to to do that before you came here," she scolded.
"Sorry but we gotta go," he replied.
Hikari rolled her eyes. "Fine," she returned, waving her hand dismissively.
Touji followed Kensuke to the men's room. They took their positions at the urinals and relieved themselves. Touji observed his friend out of the corner of his eye. The fact that Kensuke had remained silent the entire trip to the can only made him more suspicious. "So what's this all about?" he asked.
"I've gotta see it, at least once in my life!" Kensuke declared.
Touji raised an eyebrow. Kensuke truly was one eccentric dude... "The battle up there?" he questioned just to make sure he was on the same page.
"Nobody knows when the enemy will come next time," he stated, the excitement in his voice rising.
Touji couldn't help but feel his friend was completely off his rocker. Was he seriously about to get roped in to watching a real war? "Kensuke are you serious?" he replied.
"If we let this opportunity escape us we might lose it forever!" Kensuke insisted passionately. "Please, help me unlock the gate!"
He knew his friend was a military fanatic but he had to try talking some sense into him. "But you could get killed if you go out there..." he protested.
"If we stay here in the shelter who's to say the risk isn't the same?" Kensuke reasoned. "If I might be killed anyway, I'd rather see it first!"
Touji sighed. Kensuke was so unreasonable at times. He knew he was fighting a losing battle trying to talk him out of it but honor demanded he try anyway... "You idiot," he returned dismissively. "What do you think NERV is for?"
"And what is NERV's most important weapon?" Kensuke countered, his tone taking on a taunting quality by the end of his rebuttal. "It's the robot that new kid pilots! He protected us the other day but you hit him pretty hard, twice! If he refuses to fight, we're all going to die... Doesn't that make it your obligation to watch him fight?"
Touji scowled. Kensuke had a way of making him feel like an asshole for things he did. This time... he supposed it was kind of justified. "Okay, you're not leaving any options," he grumbled before throwing in a pointed retort. "You'll do just about anything to get what you want, won't you?"
Kensuke only let out a playful chuckle.
Rei hadn't changed into her plug suit. There was no point. Her Eva was still in stasis after her accident so she knew there was no chance that she would be deployed. It also helped that she knew how these events would play out already, or at least she had a pretty good idea of how they would. Besides, with her arm still in a cast doing so would have been rather difficult.
The trip to NERV had been rather straight forward but it had been spent in relative silence but for a few terse bits of talk about procedures and the layout of headquarters. She supposed that could be considered small talk by most people's standard. Other than that, they hadn't spoken to each other, the conversation that they'd had had died back at school. She'd wanted to continue conversation with Ikari-kun but she'd not been sure what to say to him. He looked rather depressed and she wanted to ease his burden but she... didn't know what the right thing to do was. It felt natural to offer him her hand but... even though she knew him he did not know her. It was a predicament that she found increasingly frustrating and saddening.
She stood by the entrance to the Eva bays outside the locker rooms. Even though she knew that she'd be wanted to report to her Eva, she felt... compelled to wait there for Ikari-kun. She wanted to make sure that he was alright and to wish him luck. Rationally, she knew he didn't need it but... a part of her wanted to see him off anyway.
Ikari-kun emerged from the men's locker room in his plug suit. She recognized him with a small nod. He nodded back, a nervous look blooming on his face. "So..." he murmured. "I guess this is it."
She nodded again. "It is," she replied softly. "Good luck."
His eyes widened and he blinked. "Oh, ah... yeah," he stammered awkwardly. There was something about how he responded that Rei couldn't help but find... endearing? With that he turned and began marching toward his entry plug.
She felt her hand coming up to reach for him as if not in her own control. She was nervous. Why? Why was she nervous when she knew how this would all play out? She'd seen it before, he would struggle but then adapt and overcome. Why was she worried? He was going to be fine and everything would be okay...
Right?
"Ikari-kun..." she called out.
Just as he was about to board his Eva he turned back to her, a curious look on his face. She couldn't place exactly what his expression was. Was it bewilderment? She felt herself becoming nervous under his gaze. Why was she uncomfortable with him staring at her? "Be careful," she muttered softly.
His face hardened and he nodded, his eyes full of confidence before he popped the plug hatch and climbed inside.
She felt her knees becoming weak. Rei put the hand that wasn't bandaged to her chest and she realized that her heart was beating rapidly. It wasn't a rational response. She knew that he was going to be alright so why was she shaking?
Rei watched in deep contemplation as Unit 01' s restraining locks were removed and it was lifted towards the enormous catapult that would sent it to the surface and into battle...
Shinji sat in his entry plug trying to calm his nerves. He'd known that he was going to have to fight the Angels but he hadn't expected the next one to come so soon. Then again... life rarely hands you the cards you want.
He'd not been in the greatest state of mind for most of the day or week for that matter. Getting used to his new life was difficult. The duty of piloting an Evangelion was something he'd never wanted and never asked for. Now he was tasked with shouldering the weight of the world, literally, by going to fight for the future of mankind. In his days training he'd tried to come to terms with that though the hours of drills and boredom but he still felt unworthy of the task. He'd felt even less worthy after finding out that his first deployment had caused civilian casualties. He'd deserved it when that boy had hit him back at school. He was nothing, he was weak...
But then Rei Ayanami had found him laying there.
She had been a mystery to him. The red eyes and blue hair was certainly unique. Even though she was in his class he hadn't spoken to her before today. He'd seen caught her staring at him a few times and if he was being honest it made him a bit nervous. He'd noted that she never really talked to anyone in class and pretty much sat by herself staring out the window with a somber look on her face. That wasn't unlike him to be fair, he wasn't the most social person either. She seemed cold from the way she carried herself and he'd felt reluctant to approach her. Needless to say, he hadn't expected the conversation they'd had.
The things she'd said had made him feel a bit embarrassed but also... he felt good. He felt... pride. He was proud that that someone actually appreciated him. He was glad that something he'd done had actually helped someone else. It was a strange feeling that he didn't quite know how to handle. He wasn't used to feeling even a moment of happiness. Maybe... they could be friends. Maybe he could use a friend...
But any joy he'd felt had been snatched away when she'd given him the news that he would have to fight again. Piloting the Eva was a terrifying experience that he did not wish on anyone but he was the only one who could do it right now so he would do his duty as long as he was needed.
"Shinji, are you ready?" Ritsuko's voice came over the radio. "First neutralize the enemy's A.T. Field then fire a volley. Do it just like we practiced."
"Launch Eva!" Misato shouted.
The catapult lurched and he was thrown into the seat as he shot towards the surface. Within moments he came to rest with a jolt and the restraints released from the enormous fins on his Eva's shoulders. The door in front of him fell away and he could see the city all around him. The Angel should be just behind his position.
"A.T. Field has been unfolded," Ritusko notified.
"Do it just like we planned, okay Shinji-kun?" Misato added.
Shinji gripped the controls and gritted his teeth. He readied the auto cannon that was his Eva's rifle. "Yes Ma'am!" he replied. Ayanami's words rang in his ears. Be careful. At least someone was worried about him. He would try his best to heed her words.
He whipped around from his place of cover and came face to face with the target, firing a short burst. After a few seconds on the trigger he let up. Upon seeing the Angel was basically unharmed he fired again. Smoke was billowing from around where his explosive shells were impacting and it was starting to obscure the target.
"Don't let the smoke cover the target!" Misato shouted.
Shinji's ammunition ran dry and the target was still standing. He saw a pair of glowing pink tendrils extend from the Angel's body and lash out for him almost too late to duck. This was not going the way that he had hoped. His heart was pounding in his chest as his fear increased. He rolled away as best he could and tried to dash away.
Buildings were being ripped up around him as he continued to dodge the onslaught. "Shinji! Are you alright?" Misato cried.
No! I am not alright! he screamed mentally. "Yeah," he replied shakily.
The building next to him opened up. "There's another rifle for you," Misato stated. "Take it!"
He dove his Eva toward it and grabbed it. He rolled his giant machine over on its back as the Angel cornered him. He could see an enormous red orb in the front of the Angel and tried to shoot it but his shot was high and it hit the Angel's head instead.
The Angel was unfazed and lashed out at him with its whip like appendages. They wrapped around his Eva's legs and in seconds he was tumbling through the air. A scream escaped him as he sailed toward one of the hills outside the city.
He impacted the hill with a painful thud. He could feel everything the Eva felt, an aspect of piloting that still truly disturbed and filled him with horror. As soon as he regained his senses he noticed that the Eva was running on internal power. His umbilical must have been cut and his active power was running out fast!
"Shinji are you alright?" Misato screamed. "Shinji! Status report!"
He looked to his left and was about to move when he noticed two figures. He zoomed in with the Eva's ocular circuits and realized that it was his classmates, the jock who had hit him and the nerdy boy who was with him. He froze. Why were they out of a shelter?
Shinji didn't have time to think about that. The Angel was on top of him again, lashing at him with its whips. He caught them but it burned! It was hot and it was burning his hand. He winced and fought through the pain. He wouldn't let those two come to harm even if that guy had hit him earlier. That would have been a truly reprehensible act. If he did that then he really was worthless...
"Shinji! Let them into the cockpit!" Misato commanded. "Once you've got them, make a temporary retreat. We'll start again later!"
"What makes you think that unauthorized civilians can be allowed into the entry plug?" he heard Ritsuko shouting.
"I'm authorizing it!" Misato shouted.
What was the right thing to do? He was hesitating even though he knew he should be doing something, anything. If he stayed indecisive he would die...
"Unit 01's remaining activation time three minutes," he heard Lt. Ibuki state in the background.
"Shinji, hold Eva on your current commands and eject the entry plug, hurry up and do it!" Misato ordered firmly.
Shinji did as he was told. He ejected the plug and Misato fired up the Eva's loudspeaker. "You two, get in!" she shouted.
In moments the pair of his classmates were in the cockpit with him. He barely registered their expression of disgust at being immersed in LCL. The Eva was becoming difficult to control and he heard something about abnormal conditions in the nervous system over the radio. He knew that if he was going to escape or defeat the Angel he had to do it soon. He rolled the Eva and flung the Eva into the hillside.
"Retreat!" Misato shouted.
No. He wouldn't run away. Not anymore. "I mustn't run away," he whispered to himself before shouting. "I mustn't run away!"
He deployed the Eva's progressive knife and dove onto the Angel. It lashed at him and speared the Eva through the stomach with its whips. He roared in rage and pain as he brought the knife down on the red sphere in the middle of the Angel's chest. He screamed and held the blade to that object knowing that it was either him or this monster.
After a few moments the red sphere lost it's luminescence and cracked from where Shinji's blade had pierced it. The Angel's whips lost their glow and it's body went limp. The Angel was dead. Shinji sat in the entry plug panting heavily with tears streaming down his face. He started shaking in his seat, unable to release his grip on the Evangelion's controls.
"Hey..." the boy who had punched him spoke. "Are you alright?"
Shinji nodded. "Yeah..." he choked out. "I'm fine."
Then the Eva's operational power hit zero and the plug was plunged into darkness.
Rei stood outside the room where Ikari-kun was being dressed down by Major... Captain Katsuragi, she had to remind herself. She wasn't yet a Major. She could hear their voices from outside the door and Captain Katsuragi was getting more and more angry.
The battle had gone differently from how she remembered. It was very similar to how it had happened before but it was still different. Instead of shoving the Angel away, Ikari-kun had grounded it and killed it where it lay with nearly thirty seconds remaining of his battery. She felt a certain level of excitement at that knowledge. The idea that things could change was thrilling. Despite everything leading up to the encourter happening almost exactly as it had before the battle had ended slightly different.
The only real difference was how she had spoken to Ikari-kun beforehand.
This was proof in her mind. She could influence things. She thought back to the physics textbooks that she had read and remembered the concept known as the butterfly effect. It was a concept used in chaos theory of how the slightest change in the initial input in an equation could result in a vastly different output.
Rei felt as if she had hit a proverbial eureka moment. It was definitive proof that she could shape the future with her actions, like a butterfly flapping its wings and ultimately creating a typhoon.
Katsuragi threw open the door and Rei ducked out of sight into an adjacent room. She wasn't supposed to be in this area, Dr. Akagi would be looking for her soon. She listened to Katsuragi's steps echoing down the hall for a few moments before she stepped back into the hallway.
The door to the room Ikari-kun was in was open and she slowly stepped up to the door. He was staring down at his feet and had no idea that he was there. A part of her wanted to reach out to him, to tell him that she didn't blame him for what he did in disobeying the Captain's orders but the words failed her. She knew that he probably would try to run away as he had before. She didn't want that. What if he didn't come back?
"Ikari-kun," she called out.
He looked up at her, his face full of sorrow. Seeing him like that... it made her stomach tie itself in knots. He said nothing, just regarded her with a distant expression of emptiness and sadness. She wanted him to be happy... What could she say to him? She had to say something! If she couldn't lift his spirits she could at least try to give some kind of encouragement.
"See you in school..." she said softly. With those words she turned and left. It wasn't much but she hoped those words would resonate and let him know that there was someone who wanted him around, that she wanted him around...
Shinji sat in what was either a holding cell or a debriefing room. His classmates who's names he'd learned were Kensuke Aida and Touji Suzuhara were being processed through NERV elsewhere in headquarters while he was listening to Misato chew him out for his performance against the Angel.
"Why did you ignore my order?" Misato yelled.
"I apologize," he replied. He didn't understand why she was so upset. He'd won the battle...
"I'm the one who's in charge of operations aren't I?" she prodded.
"Yes," he returned flatly.
"You do know you're supposed to obey my orders, understand?" she continued.
"Yes," he muttered.
"I'm warning you not to do it again," she hissed.
"Yes," he replied.
"Hey, are you even listening to anything I'm saying?" she growled.
"Yes," he once again replied. He was starting to feel like a broken record.
"Oh no you don't!" she exploded. "You're not gonna get out of this just by saying yes to everything I say!"
"I know, Misato-san," he replied. He wanted this to be over with already. "We won didn't we? Isn't that enough?"
Misato stomped over to him. "You know, it may seem easy going along with whatever anyone else wants but if you get into an Eva with that attitude it'll kill you!" she scolded.
Shinji scowled. "Look, I took a chance and it worked out. I figured it was worth it. Besides, I'm the one out there in the battle..."
Misato was steaming. "Do you not care about your own life you idiot!?" she screamed.
"What does it matter?" Shinji replied, his voice betraying the apathy and he despair that his soul swam in. "I'm the only one who can pilot it so that's what I'll do..."
Misato turned away from him. "Well think on this, if you get killed then we all get killed. Sort your attitude out before the next battle," she snarled before stomping off and out of the room.
Shinji sat and stared at the floor. She was right. He had been rash and a fool out there because his anger had gotten the better of him. She was right that if he screwed up out there then everyone would pay the price for it, not just him. He found himself drowning in those thoughts. The thoughts of how much he loathed himself and hated himself... He wasn't worthy or cut out to be an Eva pilot. It was better if he just went back to his teacher's...
"Ikari-kun..."
Shinji looked up to find Ayanami staring at him. She looked concerned with her brows knotted slightly, her red eyes reflecting vibrantly in the low light. What did she want? Why did she look concerned? There was no way that she was concerned about him... was there?
"See you in school," she said before disappearing down the hall.
Shinji felt his mouth fall open. What was that about? Rei Ayanami certainly was an enigma. For someone who always appeared so cold she certainly was treating him kindly. It was odd. They'd only shared one conversation, why should she care about him? Yeah, he'd prevented her from having to pilot when that first Angel had attacked but still he found it odd. Was it possible that because of that she wanted to be his friend? No... he'd only disappoint her. All he ever did was fuck things up...
Author's notes
Well, things are heating up... Things are changing ever so slowly. There's been no drastic change but it will happen, rest assured. Our blue haired heroine finally got a scene together with sadboy so that's something, am I right? The next installment will be a bit more introspection based despite how much I enjoyed writing the (barely) revised battle against Shamshel. Expect for things to keep going at a slow burn with change happening over many chapters. Trust me, the payoff is going to be enormous.
Drop some more reviews, I very much enjoy reading them.
Regards,
A.F.