Chapter 42 – Things Have Changed
It was the evening of the third day after he had awakened in the medical wing of NERV and he'd finally been released. The previous two days up until now had been filled with all sorts of tests and exercises to see if his body still functioned normally. Some of it honestly reminded him of the initial physical training he'd received when he'd first joined NERV. He'd had blood drawn numerous times, had his reflexes tested, his cranial nerves examined half a dozen times, been tasked with running on a treadmill while oxygen levels were measures, the works. By the end he'd been almost as exhausted as he'd been after any Angel battle but thankfully it was over.
Upon being discharged he made his way to the car port near the vehicle lifts up the surface and the greater Tokyo 3 metro are where Misato had instructed him to meet her. He didn't have to wait long until she arrived to pick him up. She parked her car beside the curb of the access road and opened the door for him. "Ready to go home kiddo?" she asked from inside with a wide smile.
Shinji nodded and stepped into the open door on the passenger side of his guardian's Renault Alpine, closing the door after sitting down. "Yeah," he replied with a tired grin of his own as he leaned against the window, reflecting on what had transpired since his awakening. "I'm ready to go home..."
Misato had come to visit him on the second day after his awakening as well as earlier today. During those visits she'd told him how thankful she was that he'd come back to fight and how happy she was that he was unharmed from his ordeal. That genuinely made him feel good. It felt good to be appreciated for the things that he'd done. She'd also told him that she'd missed having him around, how empty the apartment had felt without him. It felt good to be appreciated for who he was, no... that felt the best out of anything she'd told him.
"So how are you feeling?" Misato asked in a cheerful tone of voice.
"Tired," he replied with a yawn. "All that treadmill stuff earlier today took a lot out of me."
"I can imagine, especially since you hadn't used your legs that much in nearly a month," Misato returned with a playful but somewhat awkward laugh as she shifted the car into gear and inched it toward the lift.
Shinji found the humor in that comment but he was honestly too tired to laugh. "You might have a point," he replied. "But I think that I'd be tired regardless, I mean, you've seen my grades in P.E."
Misato snickered, glancing over at him with a smirk. "Wow, since when did you become the one to tell a joke?" she teased.
He shrugged his shoulders and retained his sheepish grin. "I don't know, I've just been in a pretty good mood today I guess," he replied.
Misato smiled and parked the car on the mechanical lift which would take them to the surface. "I'm glad," she returned warmly. "I said it before, but you really did give us all a big scare."
Shini said nothing in response and looked out the window of the car, his mind playing the last two days over once again. He had many reasons to be in a good mood other than the fact he was finally going home, namely that Rei had come to see him twice more before his release. She'd visited him in the afternoon for an hour or two both times he'd seen her since their reunion and seeing her amid all the testing had definitely brightened his spirits. The two of hadn't hugged or said anything on the same level of emotional charge as they had when he first awakened but her visits were pleasant none the less. Part of that was on him. He still couldn't bring himself to tell her how he felt about her and it just didn't feel right to tell her while the dust was still settling in the aftermath of his ordeal. She probably wouldn't take it well considering how long he'd been away. In all honesty, he was kind of surprised she even wanted to be his friend still, but he would take it. He would never forget his promise to her ever again...
The one real downside of Rei's visit was that she had brought him his missed classwork, much to his chagrin. She'd attempted to help him though it but he was still far behind. How could he not be? He'd missed damn near a month of school during his time in limbo. He'd asked her about how everyone was doing while he was gone and she'd not elaborated much, just said that things were different... It all made him wonder just how much had changed, but he knew he'd find out for himself as soon enough now that he was finally coming home...
His father had also checked in on him a second time while he recuperated. He'd come to his room on the second day of his stay in the medical ward, informed him that his status as a pilot was officially reinstated, and asked about how the tests were going. Shinji knew that his father probably knew what the results of the tests were already but it still felt good to actually have his father ask him face to face. It gave him hope that things could get better, that they would get better now that he was back among the living in the real world. At least their relationship seemed like it would continue to mend... that was another reason to be in a good mood.
The fragile smile he wore began to slip. At the same time that all these pleasant things were happening there still loomed the unpleasant situations he'd attempted to run from when he'd resigned from NERV which he would have to come to terms with. He knew from what Rei and Misato had told him that Touji was still in a coma and that NERV was still recovering from the last two Angel attacks. On top of that, he knew that Asuka was probably still upset with him considering she'd failed to come visit him. No, he was certain she was still upset with him considering how their last conversation had gone when he'd made his stupid, idiotic decision to leave...
"So..." Misato spoke, breaking the silence. "What do you say to sushi for tonight? I know it's a bit expensive but today is cause for celebration, right?"
"I guess that's fine," Shinji replied. The idea did sound pleasant. It meant that he didn't have to cook anything like he normally would have to. Sighing to himself, he watched the geofront fade into the distance as the lift continued its march to the surface. He couldn't help but wonder how Asuka was faring with having to eat Misato's cooking for nearly a month. That alone would be reason to have it out for him when he got home... "Have you been cooking lately?"
Misato laughed awkwardly. "I've been trying but we both know I'm not nearly as good a cook as you are," she returned. "But I've been doing my best and putting together things other than instant noodles."
He strongly doubted that. "I see..." he murmured as the lift entered the final stretch of its travel, plunging the car into darkness. "By the way, how has Asuka been?"
There was a pause before Misato responded. "She's had her ups and downs," she replied. "I think the last Angel battle really bruised her ego. She's been getting better though, for the most part."
For the most part... that was what worried him. "Do you think that she's still mad at me for, y'know... how I left?" he asked.
Misato sighed and leaned forward against the steering wheel of the car. "To tell you the truth, I don't know," she replied quietly. "We don't really talk that much..."
Shinji's frown deepened. He probably should have guessed that he wouldn't get an answer from his guardian. Asuka was a very guarded person when she wanted to be after all. He supposed that he'd just have to deal with whatever venom she may or may not send his way when he arrived home...
The lift ended its travel with a lurch and Misato started the car again. "Just a few more minutes and we're home," she said. "As soon as we get settled I'll order the food, okay?"
Shinji nodded as they began driving out of the access tunnel and made their way into the city streets under the cold light of the moon. "Sure," he replied. "Sounds good..."
Asuka sat on the floor in front of the television in Misato's living room with a scowl. Today was the day that Shinji was coming home and with each passing moment she dreaded and loathed that fact more and more. She'd talked at length earlier in the day with Kaworu about how the last few days about the last conversation she'd had with Shinji. It hadn't been her choice to open up about it but he'd pressed her when she'd mentioned it wasn't a pleasant conversation. He'd told her in that soothing way of talking that it was in the past and that she should try to start over with him as best she could... but that was something she wasn't willing to do. As much as she wanted for things to be like they used to be, and she truly did, she knew that wasn't really possible. They might get close, but Shinji was at this point the living embodiment of someone holding up a mirror and showing her the traits in herself that she loathed...
Misato had told her that he'd decided to stay on at NERV as a pilot the other day. The more she thought about Shinji returning as a pilot the more frustrating the prospect was was. She had trained most of her life to be a pilot and he had barely had training at all. In spite of that, he always seemed to succeed where she seemed destined to fail. She hated it. It pissed her off. The fact that someone as timid and cowardly as Shinji could make her look second rate pissed her off. It would have been better if he just woke up and and fucked off like he'd originally been planning to, before he changed his mind and saved the day like the invincible idiot hero he was. She hated living in the shadow of others, and even worse was living the shadow of someone who seemed to be getting everything out of life that she wanted... Good parental relationships, close friendships, possible romantic relationships, status, recognition, and glory... he either had or could easily get those things. She only the other hand struggled to attain or sustain any of them. Even worse was that if she ever told him or Rei or Misato about this kind of thing they'd probably judge her. Kaworu wouldn't judge her but... it would just feel too weird to lay all that on him. Their relationship was strange enough already...
At least Unit 02 would be finished being repaired in the next few days. After that she would renew her efforts and polish her skills so that the next time she fought an Angel she'd rip it to pieces. Deep down she knew that if she failed again that NERV might consider taking her off the combat roster and replace her with someone else... that wasn't something she was willing to let happen. She'd rather die than let that happen...
Her thoughts were interrupted by the faint sound of the front door opening with a mechanical whir. "Asuka! We're home!" Misato called from the entryway.
Her scowl deepened and she made no reply, simply standing up and making her way to the entrance of the kitchen, leaning against the archway and folding her arms. At the very least she could give Shinji a piece of her mind, even if it was an impotent gesture.
In moments her guardian and her roommate entered the kitchen. She paid no mind to Misato and instantly shot Shinji a glare, looking at him down her nose. He locked eyes with her for a moment before seeming to flinch and looking away from her. "Hey, Asuka..." he murmured. "I'm home..."
"I can see that," Asuka grumbled in response. "So have you finally gotten over yourself and decided to nut up and pilot?"
"Asuka!" Misato scolded. "He's just gotten home, shouldn't you be a little nicer?"
Asuka rolled her eyes and didn't acknowledge her. Doing so was beneath her. "The question still stands," she huffed, her eyes locking on the ever timid Shinji once again. Maybe stabbing at him like this would make him buckle and break and leave, get her out of her hair for good...
Shinji shifted on his feet before lifting his gaze to face her. "Yeah..." he replied, regarding her with a serious expression. "I've decided to keep piloting..."
Asuka's eyes narrowed as she looked him over, studying his every feature. She wanted to lay a snarky comeback on him, she wanted to say something that would hurt him... but there was nothing she could say in that vein. All her venom seemed to leave when he said that. She hated that part of her was actually glad to have him back... "Well I guess that's good," she grumbled, turning away from him. "What made you come to that decision?"
"I... it's my responsibility," he returned quietly. "I might as well accept it..."
"So..." Misato spoke up, clearing her throat, her tone sounding a bit annoyed. "Now that you've gotten that out of your system, Asuka, I was thinking of picking up sushi tonight. I was thinking it would be a nice way to celebrate having Shinji back. What do you think?"
Asuka curled her lip at the notion. Of course Misato would be willing to spend money like that when it was for something regarding Shinji, meanwhile she'd been living off of cheap ramen and the instant shit Misato cooked which was little better than dog food... "Whatever," she spat, walking back into the living room "I don't care..."
"Asuka!" Misato snapped. "What's gotten into you?"
She couldn't take it anymore and stepped back into the living room, resuming her position in front of the television. "As soon as Shinji's home you're suddenly so hospitable," Asuka spat. "I guess it's good to know who's the favorite around here..."
"I don't play favorites with the two of you," Misato rebutted. "Since when have I done that?"
Asuka turned around and glared at the older woman. "Yeah? Tell me when you haven't done that!" she shot back.
"I- I'm gonna head to my room..." Shinji muttered awkwardly, slipping into the living room, inching toward the hall. "Sorry to have caused a disturbance..."
"Whatever..." Asuka grumbled, turning back to the television and folding her arms.
After a moment Misato stepped closer to her, ultimately staring down at her with folded arms of her own. "Asuka, what's wrong?" she asked. "How am I supposed to know what's going on with you when you never talk to me?"
"You never ask," Asuka retorted. "Why would I try to talk to you when you won't even care anyway?"
There was a pause. "Is this really about Shinji?" Misato pressed.
It wasn't, not really... it was more about her own feelings of loneliness and abandonment and injured pride, but she would never admit that, not to Misato, not to anyone. "Don't think you can pretend to care when you don't..." Asuka hissed in response.
Once again, an icy silence fell in the room. After a while Misato sighed. "Fine," she said. "I'm going to pick up dinner. I'll make sure to get you something nice, okay?"
Asuka's scowl deepened. "Whatever," she grumbled, trying to focus her attention on the commercial on the television. "Do whatever you've gotta do, I'm sure the invincible Shinji will appreciate it..."
It was morning and Shinji had awoken early but he remained in bed, staring up at the ceiling, the familiar ceiling of his tiny bedroom. Seeing Asuka again hadn't gone well... that conversation and the subsequent argument between her and Misato that he'd heard from his room still resonated powerfully hours later.
It was clear to him that Asuka was still upset with him and that she'd been having a difficult time handling things for reasons he didn't understand. Asuka was closed off, and as much as he wanted their tenuous friendship to continue as it had before he'd left NERV it was obvious that this was not in the cards. Maybe she had a point that Misato did favor him but perhaps part of that was because of Asuka's hotheaded attitude. Either way, seeing evidence that his found family was falling apart before his eyes was disheartening. It was proof that no matter how much he might desire it there was truly no way to make the pieces fit as they once did...
In the end though, that was just something he'd have to live with for better or worse. At least things were still mostly the same with Misato and Rei... Rei was still his anchor. So long as he had her he could face the struggles that lay ahead, whatever those might be. He looked to his left at the familiar alarm clock displaying the time. He might as well get up and face the day. He'd done enough wallowing in self pity during the last four weeks.
He made his way to the kitchen to make his morning coffee and bento boxes for himself Rei, and Asuka, an old routine he found himself easily slipping back into. All the mugs were in the same place in the cabinet as they usually were, so was the tin of coffee grounds, and the fridge was stocked with all the things that he normally packed. It was just another normal morning like before he left... However, the tense atmosphere in the apartment was palpable, made worse by the face that Asuka wore she entered the room, probably having smelled the coffee as it brewed. She went the the fridge, grabbed a glass of orange juice, and began sulking at the table, very much like how she'd sulked with a pouting look during dinner the previous night. "Hey..." he greeted with a timid smile. Perhaps showing some concern would get her to open up a bit and lift her mood some... "Are you alright, Asuka?"
She shrugged her shoulders and her scowl deepened. "I guess," she huffed. "It's just another boring morning..."
His smile evaporated. Maybe trying to make small talk would get her to come out of her shell a bit. Talking about mundane things with Rei and Misato had eventually helped him loosen his... "I guess so..." he replied. "Is Misato up yet?"
"I haven't heard her rummaging in her room," Asuka returned. "So I'd imagine she's at work."
That made sense. Usually she would have made her presence known if she wasn't called in already. He pressed onward. "How has school been?" he asked.
She sighed. "School is school, a prison I'm forced to attend with the cretins as it's always been," she grumbled, taking a sip from her glass. "You haven't missed much in terms of classwork, it's all the same shit every week..."
He cringed, thinking about Asuka's derisive comment and more on how much school work he still had to make up... "I beg to differ..." he muttered in reply. "Rei brought me some of the assignments while I was still at NERV. I've barely gotten through a fourth of it..."
Asuka's lip curled upward and her eyes narrowed. "Well, no one ever accused you of being a great academic," she retorted.
Normally he might have taken offense to her comment but even if her comments were more barbed than usual it was a reminder of the somewhat playful back and forth they'd occasionally shared in the past. He'd take it. "Hey..." he spoke after a moment's pause. "Are we... cool?"
Asuka's brow furrowed and her frown deepened before she heaved a sigh. "Yes... and no," Asuka replied. "I don't know..."
Shinji didn't understand what she was trying to say. Either they were alright or they weren't. Did she despise him or were they still somewhat friends? "What do you mean?" he asked.
"I don't know..." Asuka grumbled at first but her voice rose to a crescendo. "You just... piss me off, like, how did you manage to beat that last Angel, huh? Why did you even choose to come back after making such a big fuss about leaving because of your stupid guilt!? It's just so frustrating that you, the invincible Shinji, can pull a victory out of your ass when I've trained my whole fucking life just to get curb stomped!"
Shinji flinched with each word, the syllables stabbing at his ears. He'd never heard her pour things out to him like this and it was a bit jarring and he felt guilty that he made her feel these things. All he could do was try and explain himself as hard as that was... "I... I realized I made a mistake," he replied. "I was stupid for trying to leave... I don't know how I beat it. I just got lucky, I guess..." That last part wasn't completely the truth... hopefully she wouldn't see through it.
Asuka's lip curled and she folded her arms, looking away from him. "Yeah... you always have all the luck," she spat. "As always, everything comes easy for you like it's been for you since day one..."
That one actually hurt. "Hey, not everything comes easy for me!" he protested.
Asuka glared daggers at him. "Yeah, just the things that count," she hissed. "Piloting the Eva..."
He frowned. "Piloting the Eva isn't everything..." he returned weakly.
"Well to me it is everything..." Asuka huffed. "So sorry, but fuck you..."
Shinji stood there looking down at Asuka over his cup of coffee. Those words stung. It hurt, it hurt very much to hear her speaking like this, both because she was pushing him away and because it was so... pitiful that Eva was so important to her. "Why?" he murmured softly. "Why is the Eva so important to you? Aren't there other things that are more important?"
Asuka snarled and finished her glass of juice, slamming it down on the table. "Just shut up, Shinji, I'd rather not talk about it..." she spat. "We can still be friends or whatever, but right now just leave me alone..."
Before he had a chance to respond the doorbell rang...
Rei stepped back from the door and waited, a soft smile cresting on her lips. Finally... things were getting back to normal. This would be the first morning in almost a month where she'd get to walk to school with Shinji and the very thought made her stomach fill with butterflies as the saying went. Even so... there was a tinge of worry mixed with that hope that things could be normal and the excitement to walk beside him once more...
Shinji had asked her numerous times about how things had changed and how things had been going at school while he was still a patient in the medical wing but she'd tried her best not to elaborate. She knew it was selfish but she'd wanted to preserve the idea that things would be the way they were, that everyone could pick up exactly as they'd left off before he'd chosen to leave and come back. As soon as he'd been released the worries had begun to grow. What would Asuka say to him? How would that homecoming go without her there? In what state of mind would be be in when she next saw him? All those questions kept her up nearly the entire night... and in a matter of moments she'd have an answer. She could simply brace herself for whatever lay ahead and at the same time cherish the fact that Shinji was back...
The door snapped open and revealed Shinji standing there with a tired smile that looked a bit forced. "Hi Rei," he greeted. "It's good to see you."
She issued a soft bow, her cheeks warming because of that expression of gratitude. "It is good to see you as well," she returned. "It is good to be able to walk to school with you once again."
"I agree, it is nice," he replied, sounding a bit distant, melancholy even. "It's been a while hasn't it..."
"Too long," she replied with a wide smile that she wore only for him...
It was then that Asuka appeared. She shoved her way past Shinji and stepped out of the apartment. "Let's go," she snapped, tossing her book bag over her shoulder as she walked toward the elevator. "What are we waiting for?"
Rei watched her redheaded friend walk away from her, her brow knitting up before turning back to Shinji. "Did something happen?" she asked, an expression of concern washing over her.
Shinji bit his lip and looked downward. "It's been a rough morning..." he muttered before looking up with a wan smile. "It's good to see you though."
Rei's lip twitched upward. "It's good to see you as well," she replied warmly.
Shinji stepped out of the apartment and shut the door. He fell in beside her and they made their way to the elevator which Asuka had already called. As they entered it when the doors open, Rei took a moment to observe her redheaded friend. She wanted to ask her what had instigated her poor mood but she could infer from how tense both Shinji and Asuka were as they stood on opposite sides of her that something had happened between the two of them. All things considered, it was probably not a good idea to bring it up, much less so in a cramped elevator...
Rei had hoped that the walk to school would have been reminiscent of those quiet but happy walks she'd shared with the two of them in the past... but that was not what this walk was like. The feeling of tension, cold, and isolation that had begun in the elevator remained throughout the trek. No one said a word as they trudged along the concrete sidewalk toward their destination. The one comfort that she took from it was that Shinji was by her side, his shoulder centimeters away from hers as they made their way down the sidewalk with Asuka striding ahead of them.
Her thoughts drifted to Kaworu, knowing that for better or worse, most likely for the worse, Shinji would meet him today. She knew that Kaworu had formed a serious attachment to Shinji in the other world and though Shinji had shown active dislike towards the final Angel it would be preferable if they didn't spend much time around one another. If things were unable to be changed and Shinji were forced to kill him it would effect him horrible if the two were to become friends in the same way he had with Touji... Deep down she knew the window for change was swiftly closing but even now at this late stage she had no idea what to do to attain the outcomes she desired. It churned her stomach...
"Something on your mind Rei?" Shinji asked quietly, distracting her from further thought on the subject. "You've been staring off into space..."
She glanced over at her closest friend and forced a smile. "I'm just taking it all in," she lied. "It's actually a bit strange walking to school with you now, since you've been gone for so long."
He chuckled softly. "I wish I could say the same..." he replied quietly. "But my sense of time was thrown for a loop while I was stuck inside Unit 01."
He'd explained that strange little aspect of his experience the other day when she'd come to visit him before his release. "I remember you mentioning this," Rei returned. "I can imagine that it's jarring."
He frowned. "Not as jarring as seeing how much has changed in that time I've lost..." he muttered. "I'm sure I'll see even more of that when we get to school..."
The feeling of tightness in her chest and the churning in her stomach intensified. Indeed he would find out in short order that things were different, that next to nothing was the same as before his entrapment within the Eva...
Asuka wasted no time in walking ahead when the reached the school building but Shinji found himself hesitating at the gates, staring at the school as dozens of thoughts filled his mind. The last time he'd stood here had been right after the battle with the infected Unit 03, after he'd nearly killed Touji... The memory of Kensuke and Horaki's shocked expressions and the trip to visit Touji in the hospital afterward was still vivid and deeply unpleasant. He couldn't help but wonder how the two of them would receive him now that he had returned after so long an absence. Would they still be friends? Would they have grown to resent him? Would they simply ignore him? The anxiety he felt made it hard to move forward, both in the literal sense and in the more abstract sense...
"I can imagine it's hard being back here..." Rei spoke soothingly at his side.
He closed his eyes, drew a deep breath, and let it out. "Yeah... it is," he replied, looking at her with a pained expression. "More than I thought it would be to be quite honest..."
Rei simply smiled warmly, reassuringly. He would never cease to be soothed by the gentle expressions she'd issue to reassure him or the tenderness that shone through those red eyes of hers at times... "I understand," she replied. "Returning here must be eliciting memories both pleasant and painful."
That actually made him smile even if he was still full of worry and woe. She understood him so well, perhaps more than he understood himself... "It definitely is," he replied. "But... having you here with me makes it a little easier."
Her cheeks turned a little pink and she looked away from him, hiding her eyes behind her bangs. "I- I'm glad for that..." she replied with a slight stutter.
Shinji turned back to the school. "Well... let's get this over with then..." he murmured.
Rei inched closer to him and grasped at his hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. It made his heart skip a beat. "I'm here for you," she replied, letting go of his hand. "It will be alright."
He nodded, allowing his smile to remain as he found the courage to step forward. "Yeah..." he returned. "It'll be alright..."
The two of them strode forward and entered the school building. He stopped at his locker and changed his shoes and headed to class. It was just like any other ordinary school day like the ones from before his absence... until he actually reached his classroom.
"Shinji!" Kensuke shouted as he entered the classroom with Rei, springing up from his desk and rushing to him with a wide eyed expression. Shinji barely had time to react before the bespectacled boy placed his hands on his shoulders a bit rougher than he would have preferred. "You're back! How are you?"
He smiled sheepishly. "Alright I guess," he replied. "And you?"
His friend's grin immediately dissipated, replaced by a somber expression. "It's... not been easy," Kensuke returned quietly. "With Touji being hospitalized and you being gone... it's been hard."
Shinji nodded and frowned, the image of the smashed plug in his Eva's hand rising up in his mind to haunt him. "I'm sorry..." he replied. "I
Kensuke shook his head. "Don't apologize," he returned. "It wasn't your fault. From what Ayanami and Soryu said, you had a pretty rough time yourself, huh?"
He nodded again. "Yeah..." he replied. "You could say that..."
Kensuke issued a sad smile. "Well... it's good to see you again, Shinji," he stated before turning around and walking back to his seat.
Shinji barely had time to ruminate of how distant his friend was before Asuka's entrance in the room caught his attention. She said nothing as she walked past him and Rei, making her way to her seat. This was almost expected. What wasn't expected was the appearance of the person who was following her...
There stood a student he'd never met before, a boy with pale skin, white hair, and red eyes. His appearance was quite similar to Rei if he was being honest with himself. Perhaps he was a cousin of hers or something? Maybe he should ask her when he could get a moment to do so... either way, the boy stopped his march, turned to Rei. "Good morning, Ayanami," he greeted. "How are you today?"
"Well enough," Rei replied evenly.
Well, it definitely didn't seem like the two of them were familial considering how cordial the two were... Shinji watched as the newcomer turned his attention to him and issued a polite bow. "Shinji Ikari I presume," he said. "I've heard much about you. My name is Kaworu Nagisa. It's a pleasure to finally meet."
"I'm sorry, Nagisa, I don't mean to be rude, but, are you new here?" Shinji asked.
"Yes indeed," Nagisa replied. "I transferred in while you were away and I'd like to call myself a friend of Soryu's."
Shinji nodded, his brow furrowing. Asuka hadn't mentioned him at all and he couldn't help but wonder why... "Oh, okay," he replied, not knowing what else to say.
Nagisa continued. "Soryu and Ayanami have told me much about you and I've been eagerly awaiting the day we'd finally meet," he said with a smile that was a bit too big for his face.
So to the point... "Hopefully they told you good things..." Shinji replied nervously, scratching the back of his head. Nagisa certainly had charisma but something about him was just... off. He couldn't quite place it.
Nagisa chuckled softly, his grin becoming a bit playful. "For the most part," he returned before his expression sobered slightly. "You're... different from what I expected."
"Perhaps that's a bit too pointed a statement..." Rei interjected coldly.
"My apologies," Nagisa returned with an airy laugh. "I meant no offense by it."
Indeed it was a very forward statement considering they'd just met but he found himself curious about what he meant in that statement. "What did you expect of me?" Shinji asked, regarding the other boy with a stony expression.
Nagisa stepped closer to him but Shinji held his ground, staring back into his eyes as stoically as he could manage. "Soryu described you as more timid than you appear," he stated coolly, his smile fading. "But your eyes... there's strength there."
That statement made him feel quite uncomfortable, what kind of boy says something like that to another boy? "I'm not sure what you're getting at..." he replied as he shifted on his feet, his frown deepening.
"That's quite enough, Nagisa..." Rei stated, what sounded like annoyance seeping into her tone.
Nagisa took a step back and held his hands up in mock surrender. "I'm deeply sorry," he replied, that care free smile he'd worn during his initial introduction materializing once again. "I simply want to express that you appear to have been strengthened by your experiences despite what Soryu might claim, nothing more. Then again, her assumptions of others seem often biased."
Shinji couldn't help but chuckle even if Rei seemed nonplussed. Even if Nagisa was a bit forward and a bit too pointed he seemed like a rather kind person deep down. His assessment of Asuka was certainly on point... "Yeah, that's Asuka for you," he replied with a lopsided grin. "Always thinking the worst of me..." That last statement would have been funny if it wasn't true...
Nagisa's smile wavered momentarily. "I think Soryu is clouded by her own experiences a lot of the time," he replied. "Wouldn't you agree?"
Even if he was so forward he definitely had a bit of wisdom. Indeed, Asuka was very much clouded by her experiences, the conversation earlier in the morning he'd shared with her had shown him that... "I suppose," Shinji replied.
"Class is about to start," Rei interjected once again. "We should probably get to our seats."
Nagisa nodded. "Indeed, we should probably get to our seats," he replied, turning toward the rows of desks. "It's been a pleasure speaking with you, Shinji Ikari. I hope we shall speak again soon."
Shinji nodded. "Sure..." he returned, unsure of what else to say.
With that he moved toward his desk and sat down, Rei following him and passing him until she took her seat as well. Nagisa was certainly puzzling but he didn't seem like he was a bad person despite Rei's visible reservation with him. Honestly what really perplexed him about him was less his strange personality and more why Rei seemed to dislike him. For that matter, it was also interesting that he'd described himself as Asuka's friend. Shinji would never have pictured her getting along with someone so eccentric, but then again, she had at one point had an infatuation with Kaji and he was rather out there at times. Oh well... best not to question things. It was better to just try to accept that things were as they were.
It was only another few minutes until Horaki called the class to rise, bow, and sit, just as he remembered from before his long absence. Everything was going back to normal...
Except nothing was normal, not anymore...
Lunch had finally begun and Rei instantly rose from her seat, making her way to Shinji's desk, keeping a wary eye on Asuka and Nagisa as she did. She'd definitely been looking forward to sitting down with him and talking during lunch for most of the morning but she had an ulterior motive. If she could manage to steer him away from Nagisa that would be preferable. The way he'd been so forward with him earlier in the day had really ruffled her feathers.
Thankfully neither Asuka or Nagisa stopped at Shinji's seat on their way out the door. That was something to be grateful for. It meant that she might actually get her wish of spending lunch alone with him... "Shall we eat together as we used to?" Rei asked.
Shinji finished tidying his desk, nodded, and rose from his seat. "That sounds nice," he replied with a soft smile, rising from his seat. "I know it's been a while but I did remember to bring a meal for you."
Rei's lips curved upward at his candid comment. "Indeed it has been a while," she returned. "Too long in fact... I've missed it greatly."
His cheeks turned a light shade of pink and he looked away with a nervous expression. "Yeah..." he murmured. "So, uh... where to?"
Seeing his expression made her realize just how embarrassing her comment was and how close it came to uncovering her hidden feelings for him. It made her cheeks turn red in turn. "I- I don't know..." she replied. "The roof perhaps?"
Shinji nodded. "That does sound nice," he returned, his expression darkening slightly. "I remember we used to sit up there with everyone..."
Rei bit the inside of her lip. She knew exactly what he was getting at, he needn't say anything more. "Try not to think about what's been lost," she replied, reaching out to squeeze his hand. "Try to think about what remains."
He sighed, giving her hand a squeeze before letting it go. "Yeah..." he returned. "I'll try my best but... it's hard."
"I understand," Rei replied quietly, momentarily flashing back to how she'd felt when she doubted his return. "It's hard to accept loss..."
"It is..." Shinji returned, glancing out the window of the classroom. "But that's just a part of living, right? All things come and go with time. It's hard for me to accept that but... it's better to cherish the good times that I've had than mourn the loss of them."
Rei's lips parted and her eyes widened in surprise. That was quite a mature statement, words wiser than she'd ever heard him say. It was honestly... beautiful. "Y- yeah," she stammered. "That is definitely... a pleasant way to look at things."
He breathed a sigh and let out a bit of a nervous laugh. "It's not cliche and corny?" he replied with a lopsided grin in her direction.
She smiled warmly. "No," she returned. "It's actually nice to hear you speak this way."
He frowned once again and looked out the window. "I know that's how I should feel... but it's not easy," he continued. "I want to feel that way but I don't, even though I really, really want to... does that make sense?"
Rei regarded him with a frown. She understood his feelings very well. One's own feelings were always hard to control. Sometimes one can't help how they feel about things. A person's emotions are shaped by experience and if that experience is more bitter than sweet then it gets harder and harder to cherish what good times they might have as they're so fleeting. She knew that point all too well... "Yeah..." she replied. "It does..."
He shook his head and ran his hand through his hair before looking at her with another lopsided grin. "Sorry if I'm being a downer, I don't mean to be," he said. "So... to the roof?"
Rei nodded in response. "To the roof," she replied warmly.
Shinji exited his desk and stepped into the aisle. As soon as the two of them popped out into the hallway Shini paused. "Actually, before we go up there do you want to grab a drink from the vending machines?" he asked. "With everything that happened this morning I forgot to bring a thermos of tea or coffee."
It did sound reasonable. After all, what was a good meal without a beverage to wash it down? "I don't mind at all," she replied with a smile.
Kaworu stood next to Soryu on the roof of the school, the two of them leaning against the railing in what had become routine for the two of them in the past week or so. Numerous thoughts plagued his mind, most of them stemming from how the morning had gone...
Meeting Shinji again was... striking to say the least. The way he carried himself was so different from the way he'd remembered him being. The Shinji he remembered from the other world was sullen and detached in appearance, carrying himself apathetically. This Shinji carried himself quite different from the one he'd known. The look in his eyes said it all. His eyes had this look... this distance in them, like the sadness was outweighed by guilt but that guilt was held at bay by... something, some hidden passion. He didn't know what to make of it other than the fact that Shinji was undoubtedly a different person that who he remembered. Most likely that was Ayanami's doing in some fashion...
His thoughts turned to Soryu and how dour a mood she'd been in all morning. Beside him she was shoveling mouthfuls of the bento Shinji had apparently made for her into her mouth with great gusto. She'd mentioned that his cooking was good but this show was quite impressive. Her ingestion of it was vastly quicker than the pace he'd seen other girls eat at. She'd told him a little bit about her frustrations surrounding both Shinji and Ayanami over the past few days. This behavior like others was probably just a reaction to that. "It must be tasty," he commented absently.
Soryu didn't respond until she finished her final bite, discarding the container at her feet and wiping her mouth with the back of her hand. "Yeah, it was..." she grumbled, leaning against the railing. "That's the one thing I did miss. Misato's cooking is worse than eating dirt."
Kaworu nodded. "I guess it's been a while since you've had a meal that tasted good then," he mused.
Soryu's expression darkened and she began staring off into the distance. "Hey, what was with you and Shinji this morning?" she growled under her breath, blowing a strand of her bangs out of her face. "That was a really weird way to introduce yourself..."
That pivoted his thoughts to the other thing was was perplexing about the morning. Soryu was usually grumpy but today she was in perhaps the most downtrodden and bitter mood he'd ever seen her in. Even though he would admit that he wasn't very good at reading her it was obvious that whatever it was that soured her mood had something to do with Shinji, especially considering the comment she just made. "We both know I'm a bit strange," he replied. "I will admit that I was looking forward to see if your assessments of him were accurate for myself. Perhaps I was over-eager."
"That's an understatement," Soryu scoffed, her frown deepening. "You were practically flirting with him from what I saw..."
He tilted his head at her statement. Wasn't flirting someone one did to try to pursue a person romantically according to most human customs? Was he unconsciously attempting that with Shinji? Did he want that with Shinji still? He had answers to none of those questions... "I'm not sure I understand what you mean," he replied evenly. It wasn't entirely the truth but feigning ignorance was better than upsetting Soryu...
She let out a wry laugh and looked at him with a teasing smirk. "You're so weird..." she returned. "But I guess that I should have expected that kind of response from you by now."
"What kind of response?" he asked.
"One that displays your intellect and social ignorance at the same time," Soryu teased, her smirk turning into a genuine smile for a moment before turning to look off into the distance once again. As she did, her demeanor shifted and her grin fell away, replaced with a pensive expression. "Y'know... a while ago I would have been eating lunch with him and Rei. Now I can't stand the idea..."
That statement interested him. "Why is that?" he inquired.
Soryu huffed and glared into the distance. "It's hard to talk about..." she murmured, learning forward on the railing and resting her chin against her folded arms. "You'll probably think it's pretty bitchy..."
"I'm not one to judge," he replied.
Soryu looked skyward momentarily. "I know," she returned. "But you could always start..."
It was truly telling to see that insecurity of hers on display. That fear of judgment was such a human thing, something that he was slowly beginning to understand. The more he passively observed how people interacted and how everyone kept themselves guarded the more he could relate. Then again... he'd always felt a little bit guilty that he'd kept his true nature a secret from Shinji in the other world. He supposed he felt the same way now with Soryu... "I won't," he replied softly.
Soryu looked at him momentarily, her cheeks looking slightly more pink than they usually did before turning back to staring into the distance. "Well... him being back at all just makes me think about how lucky he is, how easy everything is for him, how much I hate being second best..." she grumbled. "It pisses me off, like, how could someone be such an indecisive coward and be the great savior of every situation, y'know? Meanwhile I've failed twice over in battle now even though I don't run away and I've worked so hard to get where I am. It makes me so fucking mad..."
Kaworu nodded. Considering what he knew about her it seemed natural that she would feel that way. "I can understand how you feel." he replied. "But you shouldn't let that poison a friendship, nor do you need to feel inferior. The two of you are different people with different merits. You needn't compare yourself to him, or anyone."
Soryu sighed. "On the one hand I know you're right," she murmured. "On the other hand I want to punch you..."
Kaworu's eyebrows lifted. Why was her first inclination to resort to violence? It seemed like a strange thing to do considering it would have no effect on her dilemma. Perhaps it was some way that people could better process their emotional response? "Would punching me make you feel better?" he asked.
That elicited a wry laugh from the redhead. She lifted her hand up and and popped him on the shoulder lightly, enough to jostle him but not to cause any real harm. "Yeah..." she returned quietly. "But not really..."
Before he could respond the sound of the door to the roof opening caught his attention...
Rei stepped onto the roof after Shinji and immediately her focus locked on Nagisa and Asuka. She'd hoped that the two of them wouldn't be up there but part of her had expected them to be. They had been spending time up there just about every day during lunch. This said though, Shinji wanted to eat up there like their little friend group had in times now past so she had no complaints. If Asuka and Nagisa wanted to join them she'd keep the peace and if they didn't they were free to leave the roof. Either outcome she would be content with, though in all honesty she would prefer the latter, or at least for Nagisa to leave...
"Greetings," Nagisa spoke up, lifting his hand in a sign of welcome before turning to Asuka. "Soryu, it appears we have company."
"Hey Asuka..." Shinji piped in a bit apprehensively, stopping in his tracks. "Want to eat with Rei and I?"
Asuka turned around with a scowl. "I've already finished eating," she bit out harshly.
"Oh..." Shinji replied. "Then... do you want to just sit with Rei and I?"
Asuka's scowl intensified and she huffed audibly even at the distance they stood away from one another. "If you want to stay up here I can't stop you," she returned coldly.
Rei frowned and felt her body tensing up. She didn't appreciate her harsh tone toward Shinji, he had done nothing wrong. "Why are you upset with Shinji?" she asked, trying her hardest to remain calm and collected.
Asuka flinched, her eyes widening momentarily before she looked away. "I'm not mad at him, Rei," she replied bitterly. "I'm just mad. Am I allowed to be in a bad mood?"
"Yes you are, but don't take it out on Shinji," Rei replied, her eyes narrowing. She didn't like how this conversation was shaping up. It would have been better if she'd have suggested eating in the courtyard instead of on the roof...
"Rei, it's fine..." Shinji interjected.
Asuka glowered at her for a moment before closing her eyes and drawing in a deep breath and heaving a sigh. "Fine, whatever, sorry," she returned as her expression shifted from one of sadness and frustration before turning back to the railing. "Go ahead and hang out here, I don't care..."
"If you'd prefer we left it's fine..." Shinji stated quietly. "I don't want to bother you..."
Asuka lifted her hand and gave a dismissive wave. "That's on you," she replied bitterly.
Rei watched Shinji shift on his feet and turn to face her. "Should we just go?" he asked her.
She nodded her head. Asuka was being quite hostile and she really did not want to spend much time near Nagisa... "That would probably be for the best..." she returned quietly.
Shinji bit his lip and looked back toward Asuka and Nagisa. "Sorry to have bothered you," he replied, defeated. "We'll be on your way."
"Alright," Nagisa replied, his lips curving up in a smile. "I do hope we'll speak again soon."
Shinji nodded and turned for the door. Rei followed after him close behind. Just from the way he held himself she could tell that his mood had been damaged by the way things had gone moments before. "Are you alright?" she asked as they descended the flight of stairs leading to the third floor hallway.
Shinji nodded and sighed. "I will be..." he replied somberly. "I'm sure Asuka just needs some space, it'll be fine..."
Rei's frown intensified. She didn't like seeing him looking so dejected and she remembered him mentioning that it had been a rough morning. Maybe he'd be willing to talk about it. That might make him feel a bit better. "Do you think it has something to do with whatever happened in the morning?" she asked gently.
"Probably..." Shinji replied, scowling down at his feet as the two of them continued down the hall.
She decided to press the matter. She wanted to improve his mood but she needed to understand the situation. "What happened?" she inquired. "If you're willing to explain..."
There was a pause before he spoke again. "I'm honestly not even sure how to begin," he returned after a moment. "Asuka said a lot this morning. I don't know... she was mentioning how she's upset that piloting is so easy for me when it's definitely not. She's jealous of me I think. I'm not sure how to handle that..."
Rei nodded, retaining her frown. That sounded like Asuka as she was prone to things like that. The real question was how could she handle that? Other people's emotions were outside of her control. She barely had control over her own anymore... "I see..." she murmured softly. "That's more on her than it is on you."
He sighed again. "Yeah, I know," he replied pensively. "It still hurts though. It's... hard. It's hard coming back and things being so different."
"I understand," Rei returned reassuringly. "But I'm here for you, you know that..."
He smiled a somber smile and glanced in her direction. "Thanks Rei," he replied. "It really does men a lot to me that things with us are still the same."
Rei's heart skipped a beat and felt warmth flowing to her cheeks. Why did he have to say things like that to her? Yes... things were still as they were before he left, but for how much longer? She couldn't help but wonder how much longer would she be able to keep her feelings to herself. She'd been ruminating on that topic even before he'd returned and being in such close proximity to him though pleasant also filled her with a deep seated ache, a yearning. How long would the fear of judgment outweigh the desire to close the distance with him? She didn't have an answer to that. "You flatter me..." she murmured, hiding her eyes behind her bangs.
There was a pause before Shinji spoke again. "So..." he returned. "Where shall we eat? The courtyard?"
"Anywhere is fine," Rei replied warmly.
Shinji's lips twitched upward. "The courtyard it is," he returned.
"Do not take offense to this," Kaworu spoke as soon as Rei and Shinji exited the roof. "But I believe that was rather rude of you..."
Asuka sighed. He was right. She had been a bit harsh but she didn't want to ruin what little peace she was enjoying with her new friend. It wasn't like she could talk with Rei or Shinji about the jealousy and inferiority she felt. They'd probably just say she was overreacting or being stupid or something... "I know..." she grumbled, looking off into the mountains in the distance. "But it's easier than talking about it..."
"I can imagine it would be," Kaworu returned quietly. "But that doesn't make it right."
Asuka bristled at that comment. Was he judging her now? "What do you care?" she hissed, pivoting to glare at him.
He stared back at her and caused her to freeze, those pale red eyes of his boring into hers, his usual carefree smile replaced with a somber expression. "I... care about you," he replied.
Her cheeks feel hot hearing him say that. Why did he have to say things like that? "Sh- shut up..." she replied, turning away from him and folding her arms. "You're just saying things..."
"I'm not," he continued. "In the last few days you've mentioned once or twice that you wished that things could go back to the way they were before and yet seeing Ikari again has made you stew in your wounded pride. You need to let it go."
Asuka felt a stinging sensation behind her eyes. He was right, she should let it go, but that was easier said than done. The emotions began to pour out, maybe because of how sincere his statement had been or perhaps because it was just so tiring holding on to those bitter feelings she retained. She closed her eyes, grit her teeth and snarled. "I know that!" she exploded, her body starting to shake. "But it's hard! I'm so... I just... It's..." there was so much she wanted to say but she couldn't spit it out. It was so hard to put into words...
She heard Kaworu take a step closer to her. "Soryu-san, I know it's hard, but I don't Ikari is the source of your pain," he stated evenly. "You place much value on yourself as a pilot but one's accomplishments matter little in the grand scheme. He and Ayanami will care for you regardless of your status or station, at least that is how I understand genuine friendship works."
Her vision began to cloud. Why did he have to speak such truths that were so hard to process? "Shut up..." she murmured softly. Those were the only words that came easily, to desperately try and retain her defenses.
"I don't understand," he replied after a moment of pause. "I only wish to reassure you, to offer some kind of comfort..."
Her breathing began to quicken and it was getting harder to keep herself under control as a million thoughts whirled through her mind. He was right that Rei and Shinji would still think of her as a friend and value her regardless of her ability to pilot or not but piloting was such a huge part of her self image. Even if they could accept her she couldn't accept herself if she wasn't the pilot she was supposed to be! "So what..." she snarled under her breath, squeezing her eyes shut. "So what if they accept me, what about my own self standards?"
Silence hung in the air for a moment before Kaworu spoke again. "I don't know..." he returned quietly. "However... if one with free will is dissatisfied with themselves they can change themselves. Perhaps the Eva shouldn't determine your self worth."
Asuka's felt her heart racing, her blood thundering in her ears. How dare he! How dare he suggest changing her entire life's purpose just because of a few failures! Eva was everything! She'd worked hard at it from so young until now that if she wasn't able to be top of her game then all that time and effort would be for nothing if she lost her status! "Like hell it won't!" she exploded, whirling around to face him, angry tears beginning to fall. "I've given my whole life to piloting! What!? Are you suggesting that I just give up or just let things come as they will like some fucking hippie!?"
"No," he replied, regarding her with a sympathetic look. "I'm simply saying you don't need to let it define your self image."
The sincerity in his expression stifled her anger and replaced it with deep sadness. She couldn't take it any more. The dam broke and tears began to slip from her eyes. "Fuck you..." she growled, hanging her head. "It's not that easy! I've sacrificed so much to be who I am and be what I am! I can't just let it go! Piloting the Eva is who I am!"
"I know..." Kaworu replied softly, looking down at her with that placid, stoic expression he sometimes wore. "But it should be worth trying, right?"
She couldn't keep it inside any longer. "Fuck you!" she exploded, her fists shaking at her side, tears streaming down her cheeks. "Why can't you just try and reassure me!"
Kaworu recoiled at her outburst, looking at her with a wide eyed expression. "Wh- what should I do then?" he stammered. "What should I say?"
Asuka stood there seething with her fists shaking at her side, her breathing coming in fast huffs. She didn't have an answer to those questions, if she did she wouldn't be melting down... and that was when it hit her. She was melting down. She was melting down and that wasn't something she should be doing as it changed nothing and such behavior was below someone like her. To top it off, even mentioning wanting reassurance was pathetic! She should be above such things, especially from someone like Kaworu... "Nothing..." she huffed, turning away from him and folding her arms, forcing back the tears. "You can't do anything, no one can do anything for me... so just say nothing at all."
Silence fell on the rooftop but for the sound of her own sniffling as she forced herself to regain control of her emotions. After a moment Kaworu spoke again. "That seems counter productive..." he muttered softly. "But if that is your wish I will respect it..."
Asuka closed her eyes and sighed once more. "Thank you..." she muttered.
The rest of lunch was spent in silence as the two of them stared off at the rolling hills in the distance...
The school day was over, signaled by the final bell ringing. Shinji rose from his seat just like any other day and threw his book bag over his shoulder as he prepared to go home. The entire day had been rough. Though it had been pleasant to spend lunch alone with Rei the incidents at home and on the roof with Asuka weighed heavily on his mind. They stirred all sorts of conflicting feelings within his heart. On the one hand he was saddened and upset that things were so strained between the two of them and on the other hand he really wanted to call her out for her behavior. He wasn't the real cause of her displeasure after all, but deep down he knew that if he did call her out it would probably just make things worse. The only thing he could do was accept it and move on as best he could. Perhaps with time the friendship they'd shared would mend...
"Ikari," a voice called to him, wrenching him from pondering.
Shinji turning his head and saw that new friend of Asuka's, Nagisa, standing a few meters down the aisle of desks with a rather apologetic expression. "I understand that you and Soryu have been having a rough time with one another today," he stated. "I'm... sorry for that."
Shinji wasn't sure exactly how to react to that. First this guy remarks on the appearance of his eyes and then immediately starts a conversation about his personal life. It was very odd... "Well... that's true..." he responded tepidly. "But I don't really know you well enough to want to talk about it... and you don't need to apologize, you're not involved."
"Still, it must be difficult for you," Nagisa replied evenly. "I just wanted to say that I empathize."
A crestfallen expression washed over him. It was still kinda weird to be approached like this but it was nice that someone who was apparently close with Asuka that he didn't know at all empathized with his situation. "It really is..." Shinji admitted quietly, looking down at his feet. "Thanks for your concern, I guess..."
It was then that Rei walked up to the opposite side of his desk. "It has been quite a while since we've walked home together, hasn't it?" she commented with a soft smile. "Shall we depart?"
Shinji bit the inside of his lip. Normally in days past it would be himself, Rei, and Asuka going home together. He took a look around the classroom and noted that the redhead had already departed. "Sure..." he replied. "Do you know where Asuka went off to?"
Rei shook her head. "I do not," she returned evenly. "I would imagine she's left for your shared residence though."
Shinji sighed. "Yeah, probably... we should probably get going ourselves," he replied before turning to Nagisa. "Take care. See you tomorrow then."
Nagisa nodded politely. "See you tomorrow, Ikari-san," he responded with a slight smile.
After that he fell in step beside Rei, neither of them saying a word. Normally these kind of moments were pleasant but with everything that was on his mind it seem like the distance between the two of them was growing as well even though he knew that realistically it wasn't. Even so, his anxiety was mounting as they exited the building and hit the road. "Today was... weird," he muttered, half to himself and half to the blue haired girl beside him.
"I would agree," Rei replied softly.
"Yeah..." Shinji continued, just going through whatever was on his mind. "Nagisa seems like a good person if a little strange... he must be if Asuka considers him a friend..."
"I don't like him..." Rei returned quietly.
Shinji regarded his friend with a curious expression. She had seemed off put by him in the morning and he wasn't sure what could have caused that. Rei was usually a very accepting person... "Why is that?" he asked. "Did he do something to offend you?"
Rei visibly stiffened. "I find him... abrasive," she replied after a moment. "Too abrasive for my tastes..."
Shinji thought back on how strange he'd acted earlier in the day and chuckled. "Yeah, I could see that," he returned before trying his hand at a joke. "No wonder Asuka seems to like him."
There was a pause before Rei responded. "Indeed, the two of them are both... forward in their own ways," she replied quietly.
Another awkward silence fell between the two of them and the tension in his chest was only getting worse. "So... uh... do you want to come over for tea or something?" he asked.
Rei shook her head. "I'm not sure how Asuka would react if she were there," she replied.
"Oh..." Shinji responded, frowning and looking down at the sidewalk. Inside he began to dread going back and spending the evening alone with Asuka after how the day had gone. She'd probably just avoid him or berate him. Either way, the apartment would have that same silent and cold feeling it did when he came home the previous evening. He didn't want that. He wasn't sure he could handle that...
"However... if we were to go to my apartment that would be rather pleasant..." Rei continued, her voice getting smaller, timid even.
He glanced over at her but her expression was unreadable, her hair was obscuring her face. The idea brought a smile to his face. It had been a long time since he'd visited her at her apartment... "Sounds good, Rei," he replied warmly.
Afternoon had given way to evening and Kaworu stood by one of the many lakes on the outskirts of the metro area which had been created by the battles against his kin. Soryu had left the school without him which he'd found surprisingly saddening. He'd grown to enjoy walking with her the meager distance from the school until they parted ways since he'd come to genuinely know her as a person...
He played over the events of the day in his mind as it had been an eventful one. He'd finally met the Shinji Ikari of this world but perhaps more importantly he'd seen how Shinji effected the people around him, namely Soryu and Ayanami. It was beyond clear that Shinji and Ayanami were much closer than they had been in his memories, and it was also clear that the relationship he had with Soryu was straining though not because of him directly. Thinking such circumstances was saddening but not because he sympathized with Shinji, which he did, but more because he'd begun to empathize with Soryu...
That realization got him thinking deeper, both about the situation those two were experiencing and his own place in it, his own affections for both of them. It was so strange... though the desire to become closer with Shinji remained it was no longer as pressing as it once was. He still held feelings of longing for connection but it was... dulled. In addition to this, the reality that he had genuinely developed a friendship wish Soryu was also quite interesting. It was interesting to think that the person he was now closest with was someone he'd ignored in his past life. The fact that he'd remained with Soryu instead of going after Shinji and Ayanami when they left the roof was proof of that. What did it mean? Why was it so upsetting that she was upset? Why was he more concerned that she was experiencing such a rough time than he was for Shinji being on the receiving end of her venom?
He began to pace back and forth along the shoreline as the sky continued to darken, his thoughts beginning to drift to other matters. Now that he'd actually found and was beginning to understand human connection left him feeling guilty and anxious. The feelings of dread and anxiety had been growing over the last few weeks as he thought on what he could do to find a way out of fulfilling his purpose. Knowing what awaited him, death at the feet of Lilith, was a horrendous thing. He supposed it was the same kind of feeling that death row prisoners might feel knowing that each day leaves one less until the noose. The irony that he hadn't cared if he lived or died until he'd died once before was not lost on him...
But what could he do to change this? Was it even possible? If it was then what was the proper course of action? No matter what he did SEELE would be watching him, monitoring his every move, making things difficult. It was so frustrating, wishing to live, for things to be just a little bit different, to actually live as a human being, and being unable to do so.
The biggest problem was... he wasn't a human being, as much as he might desire to be one, so why should his will to change matter? His kind and creatures like him had no place in the world of men other than to be destroyed or used as pawns. That reality wasn't new to him, he'd been trying to come to terms with it after his rebirth in Germany, but it still was painful to live with...
He heaved a heavy sigh. "This is pointless..." he muttered to himself, glaring out at the lake, ceasing his pacing. "It's all pointless..."
"What's pointless?" a familiar voice called to him.
He turned around to find Soryu standing a few meters away. Why was she out here? Shouldn't she have gone back to her residence already? It didn't matter why she was out here, she was there, and he couldn't tell her what was on his mind. "Nothing," he replied, forcing a smile. "It's not important. What brings you out here?"
Soryu kicked a pebble into the lake and shrugged her shoulders. "I was bored," she replied with a huff. "Misato isn't home yet and Shinji's probably off with Rei since he didn't come home. Figured I'd take a walk."
His smile fell away. "So you were feeling lonely..." he returned quietly.
Soryu scowled. "Yeah..." she muttered. "I guess I was..."
There was nothing he could really say to that. How did one try to comfort someone else when they themselves felt similar existential alienation? "I guess we're all alone in our own way..." he replied, looking off at the setting sun. "That is the pain of the human condition at its core..."
"Neither of us are alone right now," Soryu countered. "I ran into you on my walk, purely by coincidence mind you, but still. We're here together at present."
His lips curved upwards. Of course she would say something like that. She wasn't really the philosophical type but he could appreciate that, that naivete. After all, ignorance is bliss as many people would say... "In a way you are correct," Kaworu returned.
Soryu sighed. "The sun will be down soon..." she grumbled. "We should probably go home soon, but I really don't want to..."
"Then let's stand here and watch the sunset until it's beyond the horizon," he proposed.
Soryu snickered. "You say that like it's some kind of date..." she teased.
Kaworu was puzzled by that comment. Wasn't a date something someone did in the process of pursuing courtship? "I'm not sure what you mean," he replied, his gaze remaining fixed on the crimson red glow in the distance. "It's simply... pleasant to have company."
Soryu sighed. "Yeah... I suppose you're right," she returned. "It is a beautiful sunset..."
He nodded. "Indeed..." he replied. "It is..."
Kaji sat in his flat behind his desk, staring at the screen on his laptop with a cigarette between his teeth as he read over some of the latest files he'd managed to get his hands on. He had Fujita to thank for some of it, the man was exceptionally good at blacking out camera feeds where he needed to be unseen. Earlier in the day he'd managed to get his hands on the files regarding the Angels that NERV had dispatched so far. These were the files he was presently looking over. One would think that the details of this would be rather straight forward but the documents only raised more questions. Then again, that was the pattern he'd been locked in ever since he'd delivered Adam to Commander Ikari, questions answered with more questions... So far NERV had managed to eliminate twelve Angels in fourteen separate engagements, one of which without the help of the Evas. This was not new information. What was new information was that each one of these Angels had been assigned a code name in the aftermath of their appearance and a number...
The first combat deployment of Unit 01 had resulted in the destruction of the Angel which had first attacked Tokyo 3, code named Sachiel. The second, Shamshel, had been destroyed by Unit 01 two weeks later. After that had come Ramiel with the drill, Gaghiel out at sea, Israfel the twins, Saldalphon in the volcano, Matariel during the blackout he'd caused, Sahaquiel falling from space, Iruel infecting the Magi, Leliel and its pocket dimension, Bardiel infecting Unit 03, and finally Zeruel, destroyed when Unit 01 awakened. However those numbers were off. Sachiel was classified as the Third Angel and each following the Fourth, Fifth, etcetera...
In all the excitement and all the time since Second Impact... where was this Second Angel code named Lilith?
That question was one he desperately wished to answer but he had a theory after looking through these most recent pilfered documents. When he'd discovered that giant in the depths of Terminal Dogma he'd initially believed it to be Adam having regenerated from its embryonic, bakelite encased state. It had seemed like a plausible theory at the time but now he was having doubts. What if... what if the giant in the basement was actually the Second Angel, Lilith, rather than the first? If that was the case, then why was it there? What purpose did NERV or SEELE have with it? Why had they brought it there? The geofront was built around an existing structure so... perhaps NERV headquarters was built in this spot because Lilith already was there...
That seemed like the most reasonable answer but if that was the case then what did Commander Ikari want with Adam? What could SEELE and NERV want with the first two Angels in the same place? Was the reason the Sixth Angel had attacked the U.N. fleet because Adam was aboard Over The Rainbow? Were the other Angels attacking Tokyo 3 because of Lilith? What did it mean? There was something missing but he knew he was centimeters away from the real truth of things. He had a gut feeling that the first two Angels served a greater purpose than simple bait to destroy the others, if that were the case then two would be excessive... but what was the real answer?
His phone rang, shaking him from his thoughts. He ashed his cigarette before answering it. "Rouji Kaji speaking," he greeted.
"We have a job for you," came a computer modulated voice on the other end of the line.
Kaji stiffened in his seat. He knew exactly who this was even though the voice was disguised, he'd heard the same modulated voice enough to know it was a high ranking member of SEELE, most likely Chairman Keel himself though he couldn't be sure. "What an honor," he replied. "What exactly necessitates my services now?"
"We have many questions regarding the salvage of the pilot of Unit 01," the voice replied. "Among other things..."
Kaji smirked. No doubt they meant about the awakening of Unit 01 and its consumption of the Fourteenth Angel. Hopefully whatever job they had for him would lead him closer to the truth behind everything... "Very well," he returned. "What do you have in mind?"
"We wish for you to procure Vice Commander Fuyutsuki for us," the voice replied. "So we can ask questions... away from prying eyes."
His smirk instantly evaporated, replaced by a pensive frown. "Very well," he returned. "When and how do you wish for me to procure him for this questioning as you put it?"
"Tomorrow," the voice replied. "The means are left to your discretion."
Kaji's scowl deepened. This would put a major crimp in things. It would seem that his luck was running out... "I will accomplish this for you," he returned. "Should I prepare for any problems?"
"Only if you disobey our orders," the voice stated.
Kaji closed his eyes, taking a pull off his smoke. The Vice Commander was a vital part of NERV and Commander Ikari wouldn't stand for his second in command disappearing. He would definitely want him back and he'd certainly enlist him to get him back which would only lead to his own destruction. In a way it was fitting. His tenure as a triple agent could only lead to his ultimate downfall. He should have seen it ending like this... "Very well," he replied evenly. "I'll undertake this task tomorrow afternoon."
"See to it that you do," the voice returned before the line disconnected.
Kaji breathed a heavy sigh before taking another puff off his cigarette. At the very least, he might be able to pry the truth out of Fuyutsuki after freeing him, before the end when SEELE eliminated him. His thoughts drifted to Misato and the night they'd spent together recently. At the very least she'd be able to carry on his work without him though... at the same time he couldn't just leave her like that. If he was going to face his death he'd have to reach her one last time and tell her how he really felt, something he'd never been able to do...
Yes... that was the least he could do for her. He'd call her tomorrow before everything and that would be the end of it. He could die happy if she at least knew how he truly felt for her...
Author's notes
This chapter is about as close to filler as I'll probably ever include in this story. I felt it to be beneficial for the overall narrative to include a segment detailing how different things are for the pilots in the aftermath of Shinji's return from the core. The changes in dynamic and the first meeting between Shinji and Kaworu and the awkwardness that ensues has been something I've been much looking forward to. I hope that you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. The final scene with Kaji was particularly fun and the scenes with Kaworu and Asuka have also been enjoyable for me. That growing bond and the dynamic
I normally don't do this but I feel like I should address some recent reviews directly. I, in fact, have a very good idea of where this story is going and fatigue had no bearing on my choices regarding the Zeruel fight. That event was something that went exactly how I intended it to go from the very beginning. I have a detailed storyboard for this story and my self imposed schedule has not impeded that. In fact, my self imposed schedule is more for myself than you the reader. I try to keep to it in an attempt to keep my own momentum and not lose focus. The reasons for the Zeruel fight going close to canon should be obvious by this point, but if it isn't then it should be very soon. I hope that everyone sticks around until that point.
As for my personal life, things are still in a state of upheaval but they're settling, which means I can renew my focus for this a little bit. Hopefully I can crank the updates out at a decent rate. As stated above, the deadlines I set are more for myself than anyone else. Knowing myself and my shortcomings, if I were to take a less stringent approach I would most likely go months between updates and/or have given up entirely. That is something I won't allow.
All I can say about the story going forward is that the pieces are starting to come together... and fate is not easily changed.
Please read and review.
Regards,
A.F.