The Girl Who Shouted I At The Heart Of The World

by A.F. Oliver

Few get a second chance at living, let alone two or three. Rei Ayanami never knew what to do with the lives she had until it was too late. Getting another chance at living could mean a world of difference. After all, life is an ever changing thing and even the smallest of changes can reverberate across the world.

45. Hostility Restrained

Chapter 45 – Hostility Restrained

Kaji handed the tape player and earbuds to Fujita as soon as they'd left the hotel lobby. He eyed the fellow spy closely as they walked to the bar they were headed to, watching for any type of reaction however minute. Handing Fujita that tape really was the ultimate expression of trust in the business they worked in. Though he trusted the DIH agent there was still the odd chance he might betray him, switch sides, or otherwise screw him over. Then again... what did it matter to a dead man anyway?

Fujita walked beside him in complete silence but his expression the longer the two of them walked became increasingly shocked. His gaze became unfocused and his eyes wide and eventually he just looked down at the pavement as the two of them drifted through the town. Then, suddenly, the spy took one of the earbuds out and looked at him with a deathly fearful expression. "I- I had no idea it went this deep..." he stammered. "Angels... Evas... the same... Second Impact i- intentionally caused by mankind... Kami-sama, I had no idea it was this deep..."

"I'd pieced together most of it before Commander Ikari gave me the tape and the documents but it is still indeed shocking," Kaji stated.

Fujita handed the headphones and tape player back to him and shook his head. "This is just insane... I'd figured out that the Evas probably weren't ordinary machines after watching Unit 01 eat that Angel but knowing the truth..." he murmured. "To think that their entire purpose was to be instruments to start the Third Impact..."

"Which in and of itself is the beginning of the Human Instrumentality Project, yes..." Kaji returned quietly.

"Why? Why would this SEELE group or whoever they are that's been pulling all the strings want such a thing?" Fujita inquired softly, regarding him with that same wide eyed look of shock.

Kaji scowled and looked ahead, pondering the question and having no definitive answer. That was perhaps the most troubling thing about the whole thing... however, in the distance, he could see a sign for a bar a few blocks away. That was probably where Fujita was taking him. He had a feeling that after what he'd just listened to that a drink was probably something the DIH agent needed more than he did at this point. "That's the real trouble, isn't it?" he replied. "We've ascertained the what but the why still remains elusive. Then again, I suppose the why doesn't matter until after we've somehow managed to stop this madness. By the way, is that the place you were taking me?"

Fujita turned his gaze ahead and mirrored his own frown. "Yes it is," he returned darkly. "And I suppose you're right... we do need to figure out a way to stop this before it's too late, made even more difficult because the window for action is so slim considering the threat of the Angels."

A tense silence fell between the two men as they carried on under the moonlight. Kaji only spoke again when they were nearing the bar. "Any suggestions?" he asked. He couldn't think of anything on his end. Besides, considering his current status officially, there was nothing he could do. If Fujita couldn't do anything then his hours on that damn bike were for nothing...

The two of them stepped up to the door and Fujita pressed it open. The interior of the bar was dark, dimly lit, and filled with a variety of bosozoku and yakuza types. Kaji couldn't help but raise an eyebrow at the sight. This was the kind of company Fujita kept outside of work? "I might... I might know someone who can help," the DIH agent spoke softly.

That triggered a memory of a conversation the two of them had engaged a little while prior. "I assume you're talking about Shikishima, yes?" Kaji inquired.

The two of them sat down next to one another at the bar. "Indeed I am talking about the colonel," Fujita replied, reaching up a hand to signal the bartender. "Two beers please."

"What kind?" the bartender asked.

Fujita scoffed. "I could care less," he replied. "Whatever's cheap and on tap."

"Heard ya," the bartender responded with a nod, filling two glasses of some kind of light colored beer and placing it before them.

Kaji waited for the bartender to move away from them before speaking. "Why do you think that the colonel is in a position to help us, or is even willing to?" he inquired with a frown. "One military officer is not enough to sway much, and in my experience, people in the military are always looking for a good excuse to shoot something..."

Fujita shook his head. "While I will admit that you have a point for the most part, having seen my fair share of zealous officers in my time, Shikishima is not that kind of man," he replied, chugging down a few good gulps of his drink. "He's perhaps a bit too much of an idealist for his position, not unlike you."

Kaji nodded. "I would imagine one would have to be in order to want to get into special forces, let alone command them," he mused, taking a sip of his own beer. He set his glass down and folded his arms. "So... why do you think he'll be able to help?"

Fujita sighed and stared off at the bottles behind the bar with a truly somber expression. "Do you remember what I told you my assignment in Tokyo 3 was?" he muttered darkly.

Kaji nodded again. "I do," he replied. "If I remember correctly, it was to make note of weak points in the geofront's defensed in case the military needs to act against NERV."

"Precisely..." Fujita murmured, that distant, shell-shocked expression washing over him again. "Well... let's just say that an operation is already being planned to enforce that contingency and that Shikishima would be the one to command the special forces should that take place..."

Kaji's eyes widened. "There's already an operation being planned?" he asked.

Fujita nodded. "Yes," he replied. "In fact, the dress rehearsal for it just wrapped up a few days ago, a big live fire exercise up in the far north of Hokkaido..."

Kaji scowled. "So... that explains why you were headed up there, to rendezvous with the colonel anyway," he muttered.

"It does..." Fujita continued. "I think our best bet is to get those documents of yours to him and he'll get them up the chain, hopefully in time to stop things escalating, though that doesn't solve the problem of this SEELE organization..."

Kaji's scowl deepened. Indeed it didn't solve the SEELE problem. With this new information Fujita had given him, a new glaring truth was painfully obvious to him... "After what you've said, I have a theory..." he muttered. "And I don't think you'll like what I have to say..."

Fujita scoffed. "Go ahead and tell me, but I'm probably already thinking it..." he grumbled, taking a sip of beer.

"I think that SEELE is going to accuse NERV of what they themselves plan to do," Kaji stated quietly. "Then, in the confusion, use that moment to deploy the Mass Production Series and initiate Instrumentality..."

Fujita sighed. "Yeah... that sounds like the most likely scenario..." he grumbled. "All the more reason to get this information up the ladder as fast as we can. So... we should probably meet with Shikishima as soon as possible."

Kaji took another sip of his drink. "We?" he inquired.

Fujita took another gulp of his beer. "Well, yeah," he replied. "It would probably have the best effect if you were the one to talk to him. After all, you were far more deeply embedded than I was, and with SEELE as well to boot."

Kaji took a drink. It made sense, but it was incredibly risky. Hell, it was risky for him to even be out in public like this all things considered... "I see..." he replied. "How will you arrange that?"

"I'll figure it out," Fujita returned. "For now, we'll just lay low and make our way back to Tokyo 3..."

Kaji nearly dropped his beer. "Back?" he nearly exclaimed.

"Yes," Fujita replied. "The special forces will be stationed nearby, along with two full armored divisions, thanks to the government's paranoia..."

Kaji had to finish his beer just to steel his nerves. Things really were heating up... "I guess I'll leave it to you then..." he replied.

There was a tense pause that fell between the two men for a number of minutes. Doubt began to plague Kaji's mind. What if their plan failed? What if Shikishima, a man he'd never met and knew little about, didn't listen to them, or worse, the bureaucracy even if he did, failed them? Fujita's plan was relatively solid, but all good plans deserved a backup. He had to figure that out and fast... Eventually, he broke the silence. "So..." he spoke. "Should this little gambit of ours fail... what do you suggest doing?"

Fujita laughed wryly. "I don't know," he replied. "Hop an express flight to Bangkok and spend the rest of our limited days drinking and whoring until we're turned into orange goo?"

It was certainly an evocative image, and one that didn't particularly appeal to him... "Classy..." he muttered in reply. "I suppose I'll have to think of a contingency then..."

Whatever contingency he thought up, it would have to be decisive and able to be implemented with the shortest of notices...

---

It was midday and Shinji sat on the bench by the runner's track at school, equally dreading his turn to do the hundred meter dash and the scheduled events in the evening at NERV. Sync tests multiple days in a row definitely took a toll, mostly due to boredom and mental strain in equal parts. Still, as much as he dreaded the hundred meter dash and the third straight day of sync tests, it would at least momentarily distract him from everything that was going on in his mind...

The social dynamic of the Katsuragi household was getting rather hard to handle. Misato was spending all of her time in her room and Asuka was being even more hot tempered than usual. The apartment felt like a pressure cooker about to explode. As much as he wanted to do something about it, he knew that realistically there was nothing that could be done. Misato was grieving over Kaji and Asuka was wrapped up in her anguish over her falling sync scores. Both of those things were outside of his meager ability to console or change.

He glanced up to the pool and took sight of Rei in her school swimsuit, standing by the chain link fence that encircled it. The girls were having swim classes presently so even if he wanted to talk to her about how everything in his house felt strained he couldn't. The two of them hadn't had very much time to talk with all the sync tests and with him having to catch up at school he hadn't had much time with her even though he'd wanted to, and he really wanted to... He closed his eyes and sighed. If there was anything he'd missed in the past week or so it was spending time with Rei. The last time they'd really had a moment alone together was when he'd just been reconstituted from the core of Unit 01 and that felt like so long ago. He missed those moments, even if he could never find the courage to tell her how he felt...

"Hey, Shinji, have you visited Touji lately?" Kensuke's voice caught his attention.

He glanced to his right to find his bespectacled friend taking a seat beside him. We're they still friends? It had been a while since they'd spared more than hellos to one another... "No," he replied with a frown. "I haven't..."

Kensuke hung his head. "Me either..." he returned. "It's been difficult to find the time with everything going on... Hikari said he still hasn't woken up up yet."

That took him a bit by surprise, not that Kensuke hadn't been able to find time to visit Touji but in how he referred to their class representative. "Hikari?" he inquired, surprised.

Kensuke sighed. "Yeah... Since Touji's been in the hospital we've gotten a little closer," he replied. "I suppose she's just leaning on me for support because of what happened but... damn, I can't help but feel guilty."

Shinji frowned. Something about how his friend said that made him feel a little queasy. "Guilty about what?" he asked.

Kensuke looked away. "I... I think I kinda like her..." he replied softly. "Like... in that way, y'know? And... I think that maybe she might be starting to feel that way about me too..."

Shinji nodded, feeling both sympathetic and disgusted at once. It made him wonder about his own friendships and relationships. He knew that Touji liked Horaki-san and he was pretty sure that, from what he'd overheard from Asuka at least, that the class rep liked Touji that way in return. It was saddening all around to hear. It was saddening to think that Kensuke was crushing on her both because their friend also liked her and sickening that Horaki-san's feeling might be shifting. Either way, one of them was going to get hurt... Was that what happened to everyone eventually? Did feelings shift and change rendering all close or romantic relationships a limited time arrangement? Then again, wasn't it better to love and lose than never to love, or so people said? It made him wonder... if Rei had started dating someone while he was trapped in Unit 01, could he have just let his feelings go? Would he be able to live with himself if he never said anything to her? The answer was no... but telling her, the possibility of rejection, was still so frightening... "I see..." he murmured in reply.

Kensuke adjusted his glasses and ran a hand through his mop of hair. "I hope you don't judge me for what I just said..." he returned softly. "I know how shitty it is..."

Shinji looked up at the sky. As crummy as it was, he did understand. The heart wants what the heart wants... "I can't judge you for it," he replied quietly. "It's just... sad."

Kensuke nodded. "Yeah... I agree with you on that," he returned quietly.

Moments later the gym teacher called him up for his turn at the dash. Shinji stood and tried to push all the intrusive thoughts to the side for the moment. As much as he didn't enjoy phys ed, focusing on running might help push those thoughts out of his mind. He got set up on the starting line. Don't think, just do... everything was fine. He didn't have to worry about losing Rei. She'd never been anything but supportive of him. She'd never betrayed him and she wouldn't. She'd never lied to him...

"Go!" the teacher shouted.

Shinji bolted as fast as he could, shooting off the starting line. He could feel his heart pounding in his ears as he dashed. By the end his chest stung and he was gulping air, his muscles screaming for him to relent. As soon as he came to a stop at the finish line he grabbed his knees and panted in exhaustion. It was over, a momentary distraction...

"Ten point nine eight seconds," the teacher stated. "Good job, Ikari."

He nodded, still panting, and made his way back to the bench. He sat down where he'd been moments ago but Kensuke had moved off somewhere. His legs ached and his chest hurt... and now all those thoughts were coming back in full force. It sucked. He hated it.

"Hey," a voice prevented him from spiraling. "Your time was quite good."

He turned his head to the left and noticed Nagisa sitting there with that trademark carefree smile of his. Shinji smiled and nodded in reply. He wasn't all that close with Nagisa but right now it was better talking to him than Kensuke... "Thanks," he replied. "I tried my best."

Nagisa leaned forward, bracing his elbow on his knee and resting his chin in his palm. "You look troubled," he stated. "Is something wrong?"

Shinji sighed and frowned, hanging his head and looking down at his feet. Despite Rei's trepidation, he seemed like a good person. If Asuka could trust him then why couldn't he? "Yeah..." he murmured. "A lot of things are wrong..."

Nagisa's grin fell away, replaced with a sympathetic frown. "Would you like to speak about it?" he inquired.

Shinji sighed a second time and hung his head. Maybe he could trust him. If Asuka could, then why couldn't he? Still, it was so uncomfortable to talk about... "Sorry, I have a lot on my mind..." he replied softly. "I don't want to bother you with it..."

Nagisa nodded and looked away. "I don't mind listening," he replied. "Isn't that what friends do?"

Sure, he and Nagisa were friends, at least casually, but he didn't really feel comfortable just... dumping all that was on his mind to him. "I suppose so..." Shinji replied. "But I'd prefer not to talk about it. Thanks though..."

"I understand," Nagisa returned. "Sometimes things are... difficult to talk about."

"Yeah," Shinji agreed. "Definitely..."

Maybe after the sync test he could just spend some time with Rei like he used to... That never failed to brighten his spirits. Even if he wasn't ready to tell her how he felt it would be nice to just do the things they did as friends for a little while before going home... and hell, maybe he could work up the courage to actually lay it on the line. Knowing himself, he doubted he'd be able to muster it, but it was a step in the right direction at least...

---

Two days of sync tests had come and gone. Two days of stagnation in her scores and frustration had passed and today was the third. Presently, Asuka sat in the plug of Unit 02 as the third day's synchronization test got under way...

"Alright, we're beginning the test," Dr. Akagi's voice rang in her ear over the speakers in the plug. "All three of you, keep your focus."

"Yes ma'am," Rei replied.

"Yes ma'am," Shinji echoed.

Asuka scowled. "Yeah, whatever..." she huffed.

She closed her eyes and tightened her grip on the controls, trying to link in with Unit 02. It wasn't easy, the stupid machine still felt like it was pulling away from her, just like everyone in her life ultimately did... it got her thinking about all sorts of things. It got her thinking about all the dark and horrible things she never wanted to share with anyone, they would just reject her if she shared them anyway. She was alone. She'd always been alone. Ever since her mother had stopped caring about her and replaced her with that damned doll of hers. Then after that her father had been absent, her stepmother didn't care, no one had cared. She'd had to do everything on her own and she'd risen above everyone because of that... but now she couldn't even beat Rei in these damned sync tests! It made her want to cry but she wouldn't do that. She couldn't do that. Ever since her mother killed herself and she'd been made the pilot of Unit 02 she'd sworn that she'd never cry again...

"Asuka!" Dr. Akagi's voice scolded over the radio, taking her back to reality. "Your sync score has dropped by an entire eight points. Don't think about anything else, just concentrate the way you used to!"

Asuka grimaced and tightened her grip on the control sticks. "I'm trying to!" she cried out in frustration.

There was no response from the faux blonde scientist. Asuka did her best to steady her breathing, taking deep breaths in and out. All she had to do was focus on the link between herself and Unit 02. It should be easier! It used to be easier... and now it seemed so hard. As stupid as it was, it felt like Unit 02 was fighting her or rejecting her. It pissed her off, and the more upset and frustrated she got with the situation the worse the connection between herself and the Eva got. It was like a horrendous negative feedback loop that she had no way to escape from.

"Just work with me like the puppet you are..." she grumbled to herself through gritted teeth.

Nothing answered her but silence. She hated the silence. The silence just beckoned all the invasive thoughts that were causing her to lose focus on the link between herself and her Eva. Asuka was slipping and she knew it, and she knew what ultimately would mean if the trend continued...

"If this keeps up then I'll be replaced..." she whispered to herself.

Saying those words aloud made her shiver, the very act of speaking them made them feel that much more real. She shouldn't have said anything in regards to that looming threat... right now all she could do was focus on her breathing and maintaining that link between herself and the Eva...

---

Ritsuko stood on the observation deck observing the test with great concern. Shinji and Rei's numbers were very much acceptable but Asuka's numbers remained consistently poor. The last three days had even shown a downward trend in her scores. With Unit 01 being held on no deploy orders that spelled hard times ahead, especially if the next Angel was the same that had appeared around this time in Rei's original timeline... Perhaps Rei's worry that things were unable to be changed weren't unfounded. Either way, the future filled her with apprehension...

"Asuka's sync ratio is getting lower and lower," Maya stated, her tone dripping with concern. "What does it mean, senpai?"

"It means trouble..." Ritsuko returned darkly, her thoughts beginning to drift.

If this trend with Asuka didn't magically reverse itself then she'd have no choice but to take her off the combat roster and designate a pilot as the Fifth Child. That said, she knew from Rei that the committee would intervene and assign the final Angel in human form to fill that slot, who was already hiding in plain site in the city above. She had to delay that happening as long as possible... Whatever his intentions were in the city presently, ultimately she had to assume that this Kaworu Nagisa, as Rei called him, would inevitably attempt the world's destruction. So... her options were limited.

"What do you mean trouble?" Maya asked.

Ritsuko's scowl deepened and she shook her head. Upon weighing the options there was really no good outcome from any choice she could make in regards to the situation... "It means that with Unit 01's freeze in place, we only have two operational Evas we can count on should an Angel attack..." she muttered in response. "And if we can't help Asuka raise her sync scores then we won't even have that... at least for a while..."

"Are you suggesting... a replacement?" Maya inquired, her voice becoming small and worried.

Ritsuko closed her eyes and hung her head. "I hope it doesn't come to that..." she muttered. "But for now we should probably focus on Unit 00's combat capabilities..."

There was a hushed silence that befell the two women. "Poor Asuka-chan..." Maya replied after a moment.

Ritsuko opened her eyes and stared at the fluctuating readings of the Second Child's synchronization. "Yeah..." she replied. "It is quite unfortunate..."

---

Asuka had already left the locker room by the time Rei had even started getting dressed. She had to admit that her concern for her friend was growing exponentially by the day, knowing all too well the dark path the redhead was headed down. During the debrief Rei had watched Asuka stand scowling with folded arms, not saying anything at all until it was time to leave. After that, the two of them had hit the showers in the locker room and Rei noted that the the water in Asuka's stall was on only long enough to get a rinse in. Clearly her friend wanted to be alone, or at least away from NERV...

When she herself finished getting dressed she stepped out into the hallway from the locker room and waited for Shinji. As much as she wanted to go after Asuka to try and help her there wasn't much she could do and she'd probably do more harm than good anyway. Besides, it had been too long since she'd spent any real time with Shinji, or at least it felt as such...

The door to the men's locker room opened and Rei turned her head to see Shinji emerge from it, his expression somewhat downcast. "Hey," he said. "Your scores were pretty good today."

Rei nodded and forced a small smile. "Yours were as well," she replied.

He slumped against the wall beside her. "I suppose, but Asuka's weren't..." he returned. "I'm kinda worried about her. She hasn't been herself lately... I'm sure you've noticed."

Rei nodded again and leaned against the wall beside him, a frown taking shape on her lips. "I have. It is... concerning. But I don't think we're in a position to help. Even if we were, I doubt she would accept it..." she replied. The ugly truth of those words stung just to speak them aloud...

"Yeah, I agree," Shinji returned. "It's still sad though..."

Rei's frown deepened. Indeed, it was very painful to watch someone she now considered a true friend in such distress. "That it is..." she murmured softly.

Silence hung in the air between the two of them as it often did. This time it wasn't too comfortable. It felt like there was so much being left unsaid. Deep down she knew there was, at least on her end. There always were things she couldn't say, that she wouldn't say, that she was too afraid to say...

"Hey... do you want to... do something before the afternoon is over?" Shinji suddenly asked, his voice sounding somewhat timid, almost like it used to be when they first met.

Rei looked at him and tilted her head to the side, concerned and curious at the same time. Why was he nervous? Had she done something to make him nervous? If so, she wondered what she might have done... "Do something?" she asked, hoping he would clarify.

Shinji shifted on his feet. "I don't know..." he muttered. "Like... go out on the town or something? Do something outside of hanging out at my place or yours?"

Rei's eyes widened. Was he... asking her out on what was commonly called a date? "Wh- what exactly do you mean?" she stammered in response.

His cheeks turned a little pink. "I don't know..." he murmured. "Like... maybe hang around down town, go to a tea shop or something..."

Rei smiled. It didn't matter if it was a date or not, she would very much enjoy the distraction of going around and trying to forget about things with her closest friend... "I would like that," she replied.

Shinji smiled in turn and the color in his face returned to normal. "Good..." he replied. "I kinda need it. Things are... stressful at home."

Rei nodded. "I understand," she replied.

The two of them didn't need to say anything more. They fell in step beside one another as they made their way to the nearest elevator to begin their trip to the surface. Rei couldn't help but look down at Shinji's hand, swinging back and forth a few centimeters away from her own. She so desperately wished to reach out and grasp it... but she couldn't bring herself to do so. She wanted to touch him again, the way that they'd touched when he'd been recovered from Unit 01's core, but the fear that instilled was too great. The fear of rejection was too strong...

---

Misato hadn't bothered to attend the sync tests in the control room with Ritsuko. Compared to what she'd read over in the files that Kaji had left her in the last few days none of what was being observed there seemed important. Instead, she stood in the Eva bay before the gargantuan visage of Unit 01, pondering over all the new knowledge she'd become privy to.

To think that the Evas had been created from the Angel known as Adam, the very same being that had nearly destroyed humanity during the Second Impact. Humanity had harnessed the same forces that had nearly brought their own destruction... only humans could be so foolish. Yet... that power had been the only thing that had been protecting mankind in this battle since the Angels had returned. How disgusting that mankind's salvation had the same form as the bringer of his destruction. She hated the Evas just as much as she hated the Angels...

"Is my revenge worth this?" she asked aloud, half to herself and half to the universe at large.

"Major Katsuragi!" a familiar voice called out to her from down the catwalk.

She looked to her right to find Lt. Hyuga standing in the doorway in the distance. Hopefully he had some kind of information for her. She'd asked him to help her dig up things regarding NERV's agenda the day after she'd read through Kaji's files. He'd seemed willing to help her on account of his obvious infatuation with her. Nothing would ever come of that, and she felt guilty about that to an extent, but not enough not to use him to forward her aims... "What is it?" she called back.

"You might want to sit down for this one," Hyuga called back. "Would you mind meeting me up on the surface?"

Misato nodded. "I'll meet you up there in a little bit," she replied. A short delay would allow her to grab a cup of coffee from the break room first. With how little sleep she'd been getting in the last few days she needed it. Hell, she'd even replaced her morning beer for the stuff...

Hyuga nodded. "Yes ma'am," he responded, turning on his heel and walking away.

Misato walked the other way off of the catwalk, shooting one last derisive look at Unit 01 before leaving. She headed to the nearest break room and poured herself a cup of coffee before making her way up the the surface. Hyuga didn't expressly say where he wanted to meet with her so she just took the elevator to the surface and headed down the nearest path until coming upon a bench. The younger lieutenant couldn't have surfaced far away. She looked ahead and the domineering sight of the NERV pyramid not too far away, still being repaired after the fight with the last Angel. NERV used to fill her with such pride and now... only dread.

In a few moments she heard footsteps coming down the path behind her. She sipped her coffee and sighed. Hopefully whatever information he'd uncovered for her was good... but then again, it probably was considering his obvious desire to impress her. H"Good," Hyuga said. "You're sitting down already..."

Misato sighed. She hated dragging things out when it wasn't necessary. Theatrics and cryptic spy language was Kaji's game, not hers... "What have you got for me?" she bit back, glancing at him over her shoulder.

Hyuga rested against the back of the bench, facing away from her. "The Mass Production series has begun construction," he stated flatly.

Her breath hitched. This was big news, especially since Kaji had noted this would probably be taking place... "So NERV has expedited construction on Eva Units 05 through 13?" she asked for clarification.

"Yeah, at seven different locations around the world," Hyuga stated quietly. "This information came out of Shanghai. It's reliable."

This meant trouble, that so much she could assume considering all the notes Kaji had taken about NERV's shady dealings. It had to have something to do with this mysterious SEELE organization that pulled the strings at the United Nations and those of the Human Instrumentality committee... "So why are they speeding up the construction process now?" Misato inquired.

"Well we've lost two Evas and had another two were severely damaged in the last battle," Hyuga replied. "I assume they're trying to create a reserve force."

On the surface that seemed sensible but there had to be an ulterior motive, somewhere... "Perhaps," she returned pensively. "But we've been receiving spare parts from Germany that were originally intended for Units 05 and 06. They've been spending an awful lot of money lately..."

"And that's after the existing budget was doubled," Hyuga added. "The executives are being driven by something..."

If Hyuga was thinking that something was up then she wasn't just being paranoid. From what she was learning, with all things related to NERV there was some kind of deeper conspiracy at play. "Yeah... I can almost feel the sense of urgency behind this..." she muttered.

"Do you think they're doing this in anticipation for intercepting multiple Angels at once?" Hyuga asked.

"Possibly," Misato replied. "Except that there's no reason for them to be doing that outside of the official channels. There has to be some other reason at play."

But what? That was something she was determined to find out...

---

The afternoon was becoming evening, and Gendo sat in his office with Fuyutsuki standing beside his desk, waiting for Dr. Akagi to inform him of the results of the synchronization tests once she'd finished processing them. Considering the developments of the pat few days he wasn't hopeful. His son and Rei's scores were adequate enough but the Second Child's scores were continuing to fall. If that persisted he would be forced to replace her as the pilot of Unit 02. With Unit 01's hold still in place by the committee he needed at least two functional Evas and two functional pilots as he was not about to let Rei take on the final Angels alone.

"Do you think that there will be any improvement?" Fuyutsuki asked. "Regarding the Second Child's scores?"

Gendo scowled. "One can hope, otherwise we must plan accordingly," he replied darkly. "However, any plans we might make will be easily meddled with by the old men."

"That would be wise of us to do," Fuyutsuki returned, clearly understanding what he was getting at, that the committee would most likely select the Fifth Child for them and that could pose a plethora of various risks. "The best thing we can do is maintain the status quo."

"Yes... until we can shift it in our favor," Gendo replied.

"Speaking of shifting it in our favor, have you heard anything from our newly minted ghost?" Fuyutsuki asked.

Gendo breathed deeply and let it out. That was something that seriously worried him, the fact that he hadn't heard anything from Kaji since their encounter a few nights ago. Then again, considering the position the man was in, it was to be somewhat expected. "I have not," he replied. "But we must have faith in him to complete the task he's been assigned."

Fuyutsuki chuckled. "Faith?" he countered with a smirk. "Since when does Gendo Ikari have faith in anyone?"

Gendo glared at his confidant. "Since he saw the need," he returned gruffly.

Fuyutsuki's grin remained. "I think it's a pleasant change," he replied. "It actually makes me want to like you."

Gendo couldn't help but crack a small smirk at that comment. "Very kind of you," he replied wryly. "Whereas your condescension and deceit has made me like you less..."

There was a pause that hung in the air and then both men started snickering, those chortles building into a genuine little laugh. As hard as it was, Gendo had to admit he enjoyed these little moments of humor extended toward his efforts to escape the hole he'd dug for himself. However, as quickly as the laughter came it subsided. After all, neither he or Fuyutsuki were very jovial people... "I suppose you'll be summoning Dr. Akagi soon," Fuyutsuki stated. "Am I wrong?"

"Yes," Gendo replied. "I wish to hear the results of the tests, though I suspect what those results will be already..."

Fuyutsuki straightened his jacket and nodded. "I'll leave you to it then," he returned warmly before striding away toward the exit of the massive office.

Gendo waited until he left before opening the drawer in his desk where his telephone resided. He found himself hesitating before dialing Dr. Akagi's extension. They still hadn't really hashed things out from the... incident between them and he could tell that things was a lot unspoken on her part. Had had to admit that in recent weeks since he'd realized that Yui would have wanted him to move on he'd... entertained certain thoughts, but the guilt he felt over past actions choked them. The guilt he felt over Naoko Akagi and the first Rei was all he could think about when contemplating the potential before him. Oh well, at the end of the day none of that mattered. He was better off alone and closed off anyway, even now...

He shook his head to suppress those thoughts and emotions before dialing Dr. Akagi's office extension. If there was anything he could hide behind it would be the stoic sense of professionalism he'd used to mask himself ever since college...

---

Ritsuko had barely managed to settle in to her office when the phone on her desk rang. She picked it up immediately, already knowing who it would be. Considering how the previous tests had gone, there was no doubt that Gendo would want to receive updates about the situation. "Commander Ikari?" she answered.

"Yes," Gendo responded. "I was hoping to speak with you about the pilots' test results."

Ritsuko frowned, knowing that he would be disappointed and also because she wished he would want to talk to her just to talk to her. She hated that she couldn't just let go of her stupid infatuation with him. In fact, having seen the shift in him in the last few weeks, with him being slightly more approachable had made those feelings even more difficult to contend with... but now was not the time to do contemplate them or voice them. She had to be professional. "I was expecting such a call," she replied evenly. "The results are are what you might be expecting."

"I see..." he replied, disappointment mixed with worry seeping into his tone. "Please elaborate."

Please. That was quite unlike the Gendo she'd grown to know in her time at NERV and before. It gave evidence to Rei's insistence that he'd had a changed of heart and her own observations that supported that claim. She took a deep breath and let it out. Now was not the time to think about such things, especially with how things were going regarding the combat readiness of the pilots... "The Second Child's scores continue to fall. She's hovering around forty percent at present," she returned.

"I see..." he repeated, sounding even more pensive than before. "What are your suggestions?" he inquired.

Ritsuko's frown deepened. "I'm not sure..." she replied. "But I think we should give her a chance to bring her scores up."

"I agree," Gendo replied. "Replacing the pilot of Unit 02 would pose an... inconvenience."

The way he said that made the hairs on the back of her neck stand upright. Was it possible that he knew of the consequences of replacing Asuka as a pilot? No... there was no way he was that informed and yet the suspicion remained... "I agree," she responded. "The Second Child should have the opportunity to recoup her lost scores."

"Indeed," Gendo responded. "Schedule a test for tomorrow morning. We must retain readiness. Do anything you can to help the Second Child raise her scores."

Ritsuko understood where he was coming from in demanding another test be conducted but putting so much strain on Asuka might easily have the opposite effect of what was intended. "Are you sure that's a pragmatic course of action, sir?" she asked.

"It is preferable to the alternative..." Gendo returned gruffly.

Ritsuko knew exactly what alternative he was referring to. "I would agree with that..." she replied quietly.

"Then contact the pilots later this evening and ensure that it happens," Gendo commanded.

"I shall," Ritsuko replied. Who was she to try and countermand his orders?

She'd expected him to hang up, he usually did after having accomplished his objective for calling, but this time he didn't. A short silence sustained until he spoke again. "Other than these disheartening developments, are you well?" he asked.

Her eyes widened. Him asking about her personal well being was starting to become a pattern and she didn't know what it meant. Part of her wanted to believe that it was simple courtesy, that he was really trying to change himself, but another part of her couldn't help but suspect some kind of manipulation tactic. Then her thoughts drifted to what Misato had told her a few days ago about Kaji... "I'm well enough," she returned, her tone darkening. "It was a bit of a shock to both myself and Major Katsuragi when we heard about Kaji though."

"I see..." he replied, a hint of genuine remorse flitting into his voice for half a moment before he continued. "Indeed, it was a very unpleasant thing that occurred. However, the outcome resulting from his actions was unavoidable. Section two handled the matter before I even learned he was a suspect."

Ritsuko frowned. At least he wasn't the one to personally sign Kaji's death warrant, though if he'd known Kaji was the one to kidnap Fuyutsuki, he probably would have anyway... "I suppose that's some consolation," she returned quietly.

"Should you get the chance, extend my condolences to Major Katsuragi," he continued. "I know that the two of them were somewhat close."

Somewhat close was putting it lightly, but it was strangely heartwarming to hear him express this kind of remorse. "I shall," Ritsuko replied, her lips twitching upward and her tone warming a bit. "And how have you been lately, sir?"

"Well enough," he returned. "Take care, Dr. Akagi."

Of course he wouldn't want to talk about himself, he never did... "Alright," she replied. "Take care, Commander..."

With that the phone line went dead. Ritsuko placed the receiver back on the base and breathed a heavy sigh. To think that she'd actually made the mistake of hoping he would open up a little bit... "I'm so pathetic..." she muttered to herself.

Pushing those thoughts from her mind, she set about outlining the parameters of the test Gendo had requested her to organize for the next day...

---

Asuka stood at the midtown train station having just gotten off the city metro. After leaving NERV she'd needed to clear her head and to do so she'd drifted aimlessly around the city. At first her aimless drifting had provided a decent distraction from the fact that her sync ratio kept falling, that her reason for being was being ripped away from her, but after a while it only filled her with pain. Seeing all sorts of people walking around among her, laughing, talking... it just made her feel even more alone. Passing all sorts of people around her with their stupid smiling faces and pleasant small talk just drove home how... different she was compared to them. It made her wonder if she spoke to any of those strangers if they could relate to her problems. It pissed her off that none of them recognized her on sight as the prodigy pilot that she was... or at least had been. She remembered Dr. Akagi's pitiful gaze as she delivered the sync test results earlier, looking down at her with pity. She hated being pitied or judged. Both of those things hurt. They hurt so very much...

She reached into her pocket and pulled out her cell phone. There were only two people she could think of who had never judged her, Kaji and Kaworu. As she didn't have Kaworu's number the only person she could call to talk to, to try and seek some comfort from was Kaji, even if she would have preferred to talk to Kaworu. After all, she hadn't ever thrown herself at him... even if Kaji hadn't judged her for that she still felt ashamed of herself for that, or at least the rejection of that desire from him... She dialed his number and held the phone to her ear.

It rang... and rang... four or five times until eventually going to a generic message. "I'm sorry, the number you have dialed is no longer in service..." it stated.

Asuka hung up and scowled down at the device in her hand. "I still can't get through... I wonder if he traveled off somewhere again..." she muttered, remembering when she'd called the other day. She returned the phone to her pocket and sighed, turning around to face the tracks. It was then that she saw them...

Rei and Shinji were on the other side of the tracks, sitting together on a bench. Even at the distance that they were smiling and talking happily. Asuka balled her firsts and glowered at them. Seeing them like that, looking so carefree, pissed her off. The two of them had everything that she wanted and couldn't seem to get no matter how hard she wanted it. Shinji had everything that she wanted and couldn't seem to attain. He had someone who loved him, emotional support, and to top it off the bastard had never lost a battle. Worst of all, he'd rejected her outright when she'd made a move on him, and though she'd moved on, it still stung. It made her resent him. It made her resent the both of them. Even though Rei had never slighted her, seeing her just getting on so well with the person who'd surpassed all of her accomplished pissed her off. Ever since he'd been recovered from Unit 01 all she'd wanted to do was be around him seemingly. It was like their own friendship didn't matter... "It's just so unfair..." she hissed under her breath. "I can't believe that I keep losing to the likes of you..."

"The likes of who?" a familiar voice inquired.

His voice startled her and she spun around with a snarl. Of course he would show up right at a time when she was having such a down moment. "What are you doing here, Kaworu?" Asuka snapped.

The white haired boy flinched and that pleasant smile of his fell away. "I was just wandering about the city and taking it in when I recognized you," he replied. "I apologize if I've upset you, Soryu-san..."

She looked away from him and kicked a pebble on the ground. He was yet another person in her life that she had conflicting feelings for. On the one hand his cheery attitude never failed to rub her the wrong way but... it was really easy to talk to him. Heck, she'd actually really come to like him... and he didn't deserve her scorn as insofar in their acquaintance he'd shown her none. "You didn't upset me," she returned softly. "I was already in a bad mood..."

"Any reason why?" he inquired, regarding her with a sympathetic look.

Asuka didn't say anything, just turned her head back to Shinji and Rei. Silence fell between the two of them for a moment before Kaworu spoke again. "I see..." he murmured. "They look happy..."

Asuka turned her attention back to Kaworu. The look of melancholy on his face was striking. It was so unlike him to look like that. It actually made her want to know what had brought that on. "Jeez, I thought I was the one having a bad day," she huffed. "Snap out of it will you?"

"You're lonely, aren't you..." he murmured softly.

Her eyes went wide. Something about how he said that made her heart skip a beat. How could he have just read her like that? When did she give him the permission to say things like that? She wanted to shout at him but... for some reason she couldn't bring herself to. "Wh- why would you ask me something like that?" she stammered, screwing up her face in an attempt to hide her embarrassment.

"Because it's more polite to ask rather than to simply make the observation," he replied, his gaze still fixed on Rei and Shinji.

Asuka stood there seething, unable to come up with a response to that. "Fine..." she eventually responded, turning away from him. "I am... happy?"

"It's okay..." he replied softly. "I'm lonely too..."

Asuka didn't expect that response from him. She wasn't used to seeing him so... vulnerable, vulnerable in the way she refused to let herself be perceived as. She wanted to yell at him. She wanted to scream in his face and deny that she was lonely too but... something about that vulnerability he was showing disarmed her. "A- are you?" she stammered.

"Yeah..." he replied quietly. "I guess I am..."

Asuka couldn't sustain the front of fury toward him any longer. Maybe if he could admit to such a thing, to allow himself to be vulnerable, then maybe she could allow herself to be as well... at least a little bit. "I guess we're in the same boat then..." she huffed, looking down at the ground. "It sucks doesn't it?"

"It is rather unpleasant," He replied, still looking off in the direction of the other side of the platform. Even as a train hurtled past, blocking his view, his distant stare remained. "But I've grown used to it."

Something about the way he was holding himself, the fact that he wouldn't look at her, rubbed her the wrong way. Why was he just sulking? It wasn't like him... and also, why did she want him to look at her anyway? Why did she want him to try and reassure her like he usually did? The fact that she wanted him to look at her disgusted her. She didn't need his reassurance or comfort before he came into her life and she didn't need it now. She didn't need anything from anyone... She balled her fists and turned away from him. "Well, it was nice seeing you..." she huffed. "I'm gonna head back to my place now..."

"I believe my apartment is in the direction of yours," He replied. "Would you like company for the walk?"

She turned to look at him over her shoulder. His smile had returned but those reddish pink eyes of his looked... almost mournful. Now that he was looking at her she wished he wouldn't. It made her so furious it made her heart race... "Fine..." she huffed, turning away from him. "Just... don't say anything. I don't want to talk, okay?"

He fell in beside her. "I can accept that," he returned.

The two of them began their exit from the station as the sky continued to darken. It had been cloudy since around noon and as the evening waned into night it was looking like it was going to storm. As if to answer Asuka's suspicion about the weather, as they hit the street she could hear the rolling boom of thunder in the distance...

---

The afternoon he'd spent with Rei after their sync test had been pleasant. They'd gone to a small cafe, had tea together, and made conversation mostly about the various assignments at school he was still making up for. After that they'd simply walked around the city together, talking about their sync tests, their mutual worries about further Angel attacks, and mostly just enjoyed each other's company. Eventually they'd end up at the city library and he'd asked her if she wanted to browse it which she'd happily agreed. He'd sat down with a manga to read but mostly he'd just watched Rei get lost for a little while in some kind of science fiction book, one that she'd checked out when they left. She'd looked so content reading in the armchair beside him had given him a lasting smile... He'd missed those comfortable and quiet moments where they were just near one another, where they could just relax around each other. It had been too long since he'd been able to do such things.

They'd taken the train back to the side of town where Rei lived and that was when things started deteriorating. They'd sat on a bench after getting off the train for a little while and continued conversation, mostly involving him inquiring about the book she'd been reading at the library. This hadn't lasted all that long though, it was cut short by the echoes of thunder in the distance. At that point he'd offered to walk Rei home which she'd allowed. Unfortunately for the both of them, half way to their destination, the deluge began. They'd been running for a few minutes now but Shinji was already soaked to the bone.

"I didn't think it would rain today!" Shinji shouted over the din of the downpour, huffing and puffing as he ran, his school bag held over his head as a makeshift umbrella. "This storm came out of nowhere!"

"Indeed," Rei responded, doing the same with her bag and equally out of breath as she kept pace with him in their mad dash. "It was quite unexpected."

"Well, at least your apartment isn't far," Shinji commented in a ragged gasp as they turned a corner. As soon as they did he could see her building in the distance up the road. "See, we're almost there!"

"I do," Rei panted in response.

The two of them kept running, putting them closer and closer to Rei's apartment... but then something happened. Shinji heard Rei let out a squeaky yelp and noticed her lose her footing out of the corner of his eye. "Rei!" he cried out, whirling around to catch her. Ultimately he was successful in preventing her from hitting the concrete of the sidewalk but the position they now stood it was a bit... awkward.

Shinji froze, staring at her with wide eyes. He stood there with one hand on the small of her back and his other hand grasping one of hers tightly. She was panting and looking back at him with that same sort of wide eyes expression that he had, the rain dancing off her porcelain cheeks, that blue hair of hers pulled back by the weight of the water soaked in to it. Those crimson red eyes of hers stared into his. She looked... beautiful. "Wow..." he murmured, unable to prevent the words from slipping out.

Rei's cheeks began to turn red and she turned her head away from him, hiding her eyes. "Th- thank you for preventing my fall," she stammered. "But y- you can let go of me now..."

It was then that the reality sank in for Shinji. Hearing that timid stammering on her part brought home the implications of the position in which the two of them stood, how the placement of his hand could be construed and the fact that their faces mere centimeters away from each other's. At the same time though, he didn't want to let go... "S- s- sorry," he stuttered, letting go of her and looking away, heat burning in his cheeks. "W- we should probably k- keep going..."

"Yeah..." Rei responded softly. "But running might not be the best idea..."

The two of them kept going at a walking pace in silence. Shinji could feel the tension lingering between the two of them as they closed the distance to Rei's apartment. Shinji stepped inside the building with her but didn't shut the door behind himself. Misato was probably wondering why he'd taken so long to get home so he should probably get going even though he really didn't want to... He looked down at the concrete floor and frowned. He'd had a perfect moment to tell her how he felt and he'd wasted it... It didn't matter. He probably would have gotten rejected anyway, especially considering how uncomfortable she looked... "I should probably get going..." he murmured softly. "I'll see you tomorrow..."

He'd barely managed to turn around when Rei spoke up. "Would you come up and dry off?" she asked, her voice sounding small and nervous.

He turned back around and shook his head, offering her a smile, both to chip away at the awkward atmosphere and to mask the negative feelings swirling in his chest. "It's not a problem," he replied. "I'll just get wet again so there's no point."

Rei fidgeted with her sleeve and shifted on her feet. She looked away and down, biting her lip. "I could lend you an umbrella... if you'd like..." she murmured softly.

Shinji felt his heart begin to pound in his chest. "I- guess I could come up then," he returned. "But what if it rains tomorrow?"

Rei shifted on her feet once again. Was she blushing? Her cheeks did look a little pink but maybe it was just from the chill of being soaked... "Then I suppose I'll have to dry off at your home in the morning..." she replied.

Shinji nodded, feeling a bit woozy both from the adrenaline of the run wearing off and the thoughts her words were conjuring. Maybe... maybe the moment they'd had out on the street hadn't been ruined. As outlandish as it sounded he was beginning to entertain the thought that perhaps she actually might feel the same way about him as he felt about her... "S- sure then," he stammered. "I guess if that's the case I'll come up for a minute..."

He followed her up the three flights of stairs to the fourth floor and then to her apartment's door. Rei unlocked the door and her followed her inside but remained at the threshold. Misato was probably already worried enough about where he was... Rei ducked into the bathroom momentarily, emerged with a bath towel, and handed it to him. "Here," she spoke softly, her voice sounding welcoming but nervous.

Shinji took it from her gently and set about drying his hair. "Thank you," he replied after dabbing his shirt a bit and handing it back. His eyes landed on the umbrella sitting by the door.

Rei smiled softly and carried the towel back into the washroom. In half a minute or so she reappeared and then disappeared around the corner of the main room of the apartment, reemerging after another few seconds with an umbrella in her hand.

As she extended her hand to offer it to him he reached up and grasped it gently, his hand brushing against hers. He could feel Rei flinch at the touch. Once again their gazes met. "Thank you for letting me dry off," he stated softly.

Rei's lips once again curved upward and the pink shade in her cheeks deepened. "You are very welcome," she replied.

She looked so pretty, that smile of hers was so inviting and warm... maybe he could tell her. Maybe this really was the moment he could tell her how he felt. He opened his mouth to speak but as soon as he did the doubt strangled his voice. Thinking about how she'd flinched when they'd touched made him hesitate and ultimately keep those words to himself. "See you tomorrow then," he replied, turning around and exiting the apartment. "Take care, Rei..."

"Take care, Shinji," she replied, shutting the door behind him.

He trudged away from the apartment and scowled. Why was he such a coward? It had been such a good moment, he'd felt it... if he could trust those kinds of feelings that was. Maybe another moment like that would present itself and he could actually follow through and speak those words that were so hard to say...

Shinji breathed a heavy sigh. Who was he kidding... he was too much of a coward and too unlucky of a person for the stars to align like that again.

---

Rei let out a shaky breath as soon as she closed the door to her apartment, staring down at the tiles of the floor of the entryway, her hand still fixed on the doorknob, trying to process what had happened in the last fifteen minutes or so. Her heart was racing, thumping in her chest like crazy. The feeling of how he'd held her after she'd slipped on the street was burning her up. Remembering how close their faces had been, the feeling of his arm around her, the look on his face... it excited her and terrified her in equal measure. That moment had made her aware of something she'd only scarcely considered...

The feelings she had for Shinji were, unless she was interpreting things incorrectly, in all likelihood a mutual thing...

That thought made her feel excitement and heat in her chest. It made her want to smile and laugh... but the fear that came with it was so incredibly strong. Knowing what she was, that she wasn't completely human, that they shared some genetics, that she'd... lied to him, lied through omission, about her past and who she really was, tainted any joy that thought brought her. The thought of him finding out those things on his own terrified her, and if he confessed his feelings to her or if she confessed to him then she'd have no choice but to tell him.

And yet she'd invited him upstairs to dry off...

Yes. Part of her really had wanted him to say something in spite of those horrible truths. She wanted him to say something. His face being so close to hers after he'd caught her falling had stirred... primal thoughts. It made her wonder what it would would have happened if he hadn't let her go, if he'd actually... done something. It made her wonder what his lips would have felt like against hers. Kissing him would probably feel so soft, so warm, so... the very thought made her heart race and heat to build in her chest and face and her whole body, throughout her very soul.

...and yet because of those lies of omission she couldn't allow it.

Rei turned around, rested her back on her door, and sank to the floor. She hated feeling like this. She hated it even more because she'd dug this hole for herself. She pulled her legs to her chest and wrapped her arms around her knees as pressure built up behind her eyes. The guilt was too much... "I hate this..." she murmured to herself. "I don't want things to change..."

But she knew that things would eventually change sooner or later and when that happened it would probably be for the worse...

The tears began to fall. She closed her eyes and shook her head to push that brutal truth out of her mind to no avail. One day soon it would all come crumbling down and she knew that... but she didn't want it to happen just yet. "What should I do?" she asked aloud despite knowing there was no one there to answer her.

Deep down she knew what she had to do as brutal and painful as it was to do. She had to tell him the truth at some point and face the consequences... but that was so terrifying. It could very well end their friendship when she told him but at the same time that was the only way there could be a chance for more than friendship, whatever that meant...

She stood up and wiped the tears from her eyes before walking to her bed, collapsing on top of it. "I should probably talk to Ritsuko-san..." she murmured to herself.

Indeed, that seemed like a good place to start. Ritsuko always seemed to have good advice for her when she was having moments like this where it was hard to deal with her emotions. She'd have to find a moment to talk with her, hopefully sometime soon. Until then she had to maintain the status quo between herself and Shinji no matter how difficult it that would be.

Her cell phone began to ring and she answered it. "Hello?" she spoke, trying her best to keep the stress and worry out of her voice.

"Hey Rei, it's Ritsuko, did I catch you at a bad time?" came the response to her greeting.

"No," Rei replied, grateful that it was her rather than Commander Ikari or anyone else calling her. "You did not."

"Well... I apologize for this but... the commander wants another sync test performed tomorrow," Ritsuko continued. "I know that these repeated tests have probably been taking a lot out of you."

Rei's frown deepened. Indeed the tests had been rather draining, but who was she to complain. She couldn't alter the fact that the commander wanted another test to occur. At the very least it might give her an opportunity to talk to Ritsuko afterward about the developments with Shinji... "It's not a problem," she replied. "Thank you for telling me."

"Alright, see you tomorrow," Ritsuko returned. "Have a good evening, Rei."

Rei stared up at the dull and drab ceiling above her bed. "I... will," she lied. "See you tomorrow."

Without a word further Ritsuko ended the call. Rei let the phone fall away from her ear, her gaze fixed on the ceiling, those feelings of powerlessness and fear threatening to overwhelm her. The all encompassing feeling that she couldn't change anything was pulling her under. The sense that most of her situation was her own fault only amplified that feeling...

---

"Thanks for letting me dry off a bit," Soryu said as she ran a towel through her hair.

Kaworu stood in center of his apartment's single room living space, watching as his redheaded guest ran a towel through her hair. The both of them had been caught out in the rain after leaving the train station and as they'd been closer to his residence than hers he'd graciously offered to allow her to dry off and borrow an umbrella for the rest of her trip home. Part of him was kicking himself for doing this as it wasn't in his best interest to for her to know where he lived, considering what he was, but he would have felt guilty if he'd made her walk home soaked... "It's not a problem," he replied, forcing a smile.

Soryu finished drying her hair and flung the towel toward the small laundry hamper over in the corner of the room by the front door. "So... this is your place, huh?"

He nodded. "Yeah, it is," he replied, not sure what she was trying to get at. Their walk had been mostly silent but for his offer to let her dry off at his residence. What was she trying to make conversation about in regards to his home?

Soryu wrinkled her nose. "It's a little small... don't you think?" she asked, shifting on her feet. "Do you live alone?"

He nodded. "I do," he replied.

Her brow furrowed a little and she looked down at the ground. "It seems a bit... lonely... living alone," she spoke. "Is it?"

Kaworu's grin fell away at those words. Indeed, he'd had many moments to contemplate his loneliness and the despair that evoked in the time he'd been living in this tiny apartment. "I suppose it can be..." he replied softly.

Soryu shifted on her feet once again. "So... I guess now that I know where you live you wouldn't mind if I came over now and then..." she murmured softly.

Kaworu looked down at the carpet, thinking on those words. He certainly wouldn't mind if she came by more often even though he knew that it would make things more difficult when SEELE came to call on his purpose. That was the big issue. The more he experienced of living, socializing, and just being... human, the more he wished to defy his fate, and yet with that in mind, he still had no idea how to accomplish that end...

What made all of this even more difficult was the... shifting emotions he was contending with. As much as he still wanted to get closer to Shinji, it was clear after seeing him with Ayanami earlier that this was a pipe dream. Shinji's affections were primarily centered on Ayanami and there was nothing he could do about that. In addition to that, he still had to contend with the fact that quite a bit of his own feelings for him were what had been imprinted on him through his brethren, the Eleventh Angel, in the other world. It was hard to accept, but even harder to accept than the implications that fact entailed...

The fact that his growing affections for Soryu were his own and not influenced by anyone or anything else...

How did he really feel for Soryu? Was it really friendship or just some kind of attachment? What even was those things in a human sense? He still barely understood those things... and if it was friendship or attachment, what did it even mean? What did it mean that the things he felt for Soryu were his own and not Ayanami's feelings being imprinted onto him like his affection for Shinji? The possibilities terrified him, and yet... he wanted to see where those possibilities led him. Part of him wondered what it would feel like to see where those feelings would lead, even though he knew he'd most likely have to carry out his purpose in spite of them. He knew that would only end up hurting her and he didn't want that... but that selfish desire for connection, whatever that was, was overwhelming... "I suppose I wouldn't mind that..." he returned softly.

Soryu folded her arms. "You wouldn't mind?" she huffed with a cross expression on her face. "I'm offering to come visit you and that's all you have to say?"

His lips curved upward. Though she looked upset there was something in her tone that queued him in that she wasn't really angered. He'd gotten to know her well enough that he could tell when she was being sarcastic and when she wasn't. "I would appreciate it, Soryu-san," he replied warmly.

Soryu's glare softened slightly. "Alright then, I guess I'll come by some time," she replied, grabbing the umbrella he'd said she could borrow and throwing it over her shoulder. "See ya at school."

He nodded. "See you at school," he returned.

She turned to the door and left after that, leaving him alone with his thoughts. As soon as the silence of his empty apartment began to set in his smile fell away. Deep down he knew that he was digging himself a hole that he probably couldn't climb out of. He knew deep down that in the end someone was going to get hurt, whether it be himself or Soryu, or Ayanami, or Shinji. SEELE would eventually call him to fulfill his purpose and his options to evade that were next to nonexistent. He should never have befriended her, he should never have befriended anyone... but he couldn't help himself. The connections he'd made in the old world and in this one were the only reason he wanted to defy his purpose and live...

Those connections were the only thing that helped suppress the loneliness that ate him up inside...

---

The mood around the kitchen table was tense and the room was silent but for the sounds of utensils on plates. Shinji picked at noodle dish he'd whipped up for himself, Misato, and Asuka, glancing between the two of them. Asuka was clearly in a bad mood because of her falling sync scores and Misato... well, he knew why she'd been feeling low as of late... Even though the two of them were centimeters away they felt so distant. He didn't like it. He didn't like seeing the people he cared about withdrawing into themselves the way he used to...

Out of the corner of his eye he noticed Asuka setting down her chopsticks. "I'm finished," she stated, standing up from the table with a scowl.

Shinji looked at her plate. It was only half eaten. "You've barely touched your dinner... are you alright?" he asked even though the answer was obvious.

Asuka glared at him. "Yeah, Shinji, I'm fine," she huffed. "I'm just not hungry."

He frowned. He wanted to say something to her but he didn't know exactly what. "Okay then..." was all he could muster. The fact that he couldn't say anything made him feel terrible, like how he'd been unable to tell Rei how he felt earlier in the day. As far as he'd come in opening up to others he was still choked by his own doubts and naivete... but at least he knew that, though that didn't make him feel much better...

It was then that phone began to ring. "Since you're getting up, would you mind getting that, Asuka?" Misato asked.

"Why should I be the one to get it?" Asuka snapped. "It's probably just Kaji calling for you. You should answer your own phone."

Shinji flinched at that statement and glanced at Misato, a crestfallen expression already taking shape on her face. So Asuka still didn't know... "That's unlikely..." Misato murmured, taking a sip of her evening beer.

"Huh?" Asuka responded with a look of confusion. "What do you mean?"

Shinji knew that right now wasn't a good time to tell her and that if it were to come from him it would only cause problems. He stood up from the table and moved to the phone before anyone could protest or speak on the matter of Kaji any further... "I'll get it," he stated softly.

"Fine, you do that then..." Asuka huffed. "Like I said, it's probably just Kaji...

Shinji ignored her comment and picked up the phone. "Hello, Katsuragi residence," he spoke into the receiver as soon as he put it to his ear.

"Guten abend. Is Asuka there?" a woman's voice spoke over the line in a thick German accent. "It's been a long time since I've spoken to her."

Shinji wasn't sure exactly what to make of that. Whoever it was they sounded like they knew Asuka well enough to be on a first name basis with her. Then again, if this person was calling from Germany, Asuka had told him that most people referred to each other by their first names there. "I'm sorry, who is this?" he inquired. "You want to speak to Asuka?"

"Yes," the woman responded cheerfully. "This is her mother, well, stepmother. The last time we spoke she was still here in Germany."

Shinji's eyes widened. Her stepmother was calling her? What kind of relationship did they have that meant they didn't talk in months? Was it as strained and awkward as his own relationship with his father? "Oh, okay, I'll get her."

Shinji walked over to Asuka who was muttering to herself and handed the phone to her. "It's for you," he stated. "It's your stepmother."

Asuka blinked in surprise. "Why is she calling me?" she uttered before that characteristic scowl took shape on her face again. "Give me that," she huffed as she swiped the phone out of his hand.

Instantly her demeanor shifted and she began speaking in German with a cheerful tone. Shinji's frown intensified. It was just so... unsettling seeing how Asuka could just slip into that kind of tone and composure, how easily it was for her to put on the mask of confidence and happiness. It saddened him. It made him wonder just how little he really knew her. It made him wonder if all he'd ever gotten to now of anyone he'd met during his time in Tokyo 3 was just a mask they wore... even Rei. Well, he supposed he couldn't blame any of them if that was the case. A mask to hide behind, to keep people at arms length was a good way to keep one's self from being hurt, even if that only led to loneliness...

He sat back down at the kitchen table and eyed Misato who was now looking off into space, her eyes focused on something far away that only she could see. The fact that she hadn't told Asuka about Kaji was also upsetting. She deserved to know... "How come you haven't told her yet?" he asked quietly.

Misato sipped her beer. "I haven't found the time to..." she replied softly, still looking off at some faraway place. "And I'm not sure how to even tell her. To be honest, I'm not even sure I would have told you if you hadn't found me by the phone the other day... It's hard to talk about..."

Shinji nodded. He understood that sentiment, he himself didn't like talking about uncomfortable things, but it was still a saddening statement. "She deserves to know..." he murmured softly. "I mean, they were close at one point, right?"

Misato's frown deepened. "Yeah... I guess so," she returned.

Silence fell between them for a moment before Shinji spoke again. "So... will you tell her?" he asked, timidly, trying not to upset her. He knew he was pressing the matter and she wasn't comfortable talking about it, but... it just didn't seem right to keep Asuka in the dark.

Misato didn't immediately respond, instead finishing her beer and setting it down on the table before standing up. "I know you're trying to help, but please, just let it go for now..." she muttered before leaving the room. "By the way, Ritsuko is planning another sync test for tomorrow so you should get some rest..."

He watched her leave the kitchen, unable to say a word. He hung his head and sighed. There was nothing he could say that would have made a difference anyway...

A few moments passed by before he heard Asuka stop talking and hang up the phone. "Pointless conversation..." she huffed. "Why did I even bother talking to my dad and that woman anyway..."

Shinji's brow furrowed, thinking of how badly he wished he could actually talk and get to know his father better, especially after they'd actually taken some steps to mend things between them. "Do you really mean that?" he asked. "I mean... I would give anything to talk to my family more than I do..."

Asuka glared at him. "Well, I'm not you, now am I?" she huffed. "Keep that in mind before you inject your damn opinions, Shinji!"

He blinked, taken aback at just how aggressive she responded. "Oh- ah, okay... he stammered. "Sorry... I didn't mean to upset you..."

Asuka closed her eyes and breathed deeply. "Then just... don't talk to me..." she grumbled, hanging her head and heading for the living room. "Just leave me alone..."

Once again silence fell in the room and once again there was nothing he could say...

---

Asuka stood in the washroom, looking down at the full tub she was about to step into. Shinji and Misato had already gone to bed but she hadn't been able to sleep, especially after Misato had caught her on the way to her room and told her about the emergency sync test in the morning. It was the final drop in the bucket after the day she'd had and that phone call with her stepmother...

Her mind drifted back to that call and she grimaced, remembering the subjects talked about. That conversation made her want to puke even hours afterward. The fact that that bitch who wasn't even her mother had called her up trying to reconnect with her pissed her off. Her own father couldn't be bothered to do that... and that was somehow even worse. But worst of all had been the dialogue between her and her stepmother...

"How have you been getting on well in Japan?"

What did she care? She wasn't really family and she never had been. She'd told her that things were going well and that she'd settled in to life in Japan well enough. Sure, everyone was way more withdrawn than she was but none of that mattered.

"How have things been at NERV?"

She'd lied and told her that things were going well. It wasn't like her stepmother really cared anyway. How would she have been able to explain that a machine she controlled with her mind was beginning to reject her?

"Have you made any friends?"

She resented those question on a deep seated level. Yes, she'd become friends with Rei, Hikari, Shinji, and now Kawory, but friendships could only do so much for her. Did any of them see her for who she really was? Could she really allow any of them to see the real her? The last time she actually let herself be really vulnerable with one of them was when she'd gotten drunk with Shinji and that had ended in rejection...

"Your father and I worry about you. We both really miss you."

During the conversation she'd kept her cool but just the memory of those made her clench her teeth in anger. As if... as if they really missed her. If they really cared then they would have called more often. If that bastard really cared then he would have been a better parent and been more involved in her life! If they really cared they wouldn't have just dumped her at NERV and gone on vacations! If her fucking father really cared he would have been there for her after her mother's death instead of remarrying so quickly to her stupid stepmother! They never gave a shit and they never would. Knowing that even back then was part of what had pushed her to be the best Eva pilot in the world!

And now she was failing to do even that...

She grit her teeth and clenched her fists. "I hate this..." she hissed aloud to the empty room. She hated how everything she'd worked so hard for was slipping away from her. No one really cared about her. No one acknowledged her anymore. She didn't have the status she once had anymore. No one ever loved her or saw her for who she was. All the people she'd attempted to open up to had pushed her away. The only exception to that was Kaworu...

She thought about the moments that she'd spent with him since they'd met and how their strange friendship had developed in that time. He was strange and a bit too passive compared to what she preferred in a guy but... she had to admit she was starting to like him more than just a friend. Maybe that was because of genuine connection, maybe it was just because she was lonely and hurting. It didn't help that despite his strange personality he was rather attractive...

"Why am I like this?" she hissed, starting to shake. "Why am I so fucking pathetic..."

If she gave into that need to have someone care about her, that urge to connect with someone via physical intimacy, to make someone else acknowledge her, then she would be no better than Misato romping around with Kaji. The thought disgusted her, she refused to act on it... and yet the temptation was still there. She felt jealousy toward both Misato and Kaji. She felt jealousy toward Shinji and Wonder-girl. Why couldn't she have a connection with someone like they had? Why was she too afraid to allow herself to connect with Kaworu the way Shinji connected with Rei?

"I hate these thoughts... It's not fair..." she whimpered at first but her voice growing into a shout. "I hate these feelings. I hate feeling this way. I hate everything! I hate everyone! I hate myself! Why do I have to go through this fucking shit! Dammit!"

She kicked the small bath stool across the washroom and stood there panting in anger, sadness, and shame. Admitting that self loathing, the fact that she hated herself for thinking these thoughts and feeling these emotions was made her feel worse. Even so, she wouldn't cry. She'd told herself that she would never cry again, ever since her mother's death.

She stepped into the tub and sank down into the water, bringing her knees to her chest and resting her forehead atop them. Even if all other things in her life fell apart, she wouldn't break that promise to herself, no matter what...

---

Having been up on her laptop instead of sleeping, Misato could overhear a bit of Asuka's outburst from her room. Her bedroom was relatively close to the washroom and her door was ajar so it was relatively easy to understand what her redheaded ward was shouting about.

Deep down she understood where Asuka was coming from with her outburst. The stresses being put on her were probably reaching a boiling point and she knew that her pride had been deeply injured after her fight with the most recent Angel. She'd been watching her pull into herself but she hadn't had the patience or the energy to really do anything for her. For that she couldn't help but feel a bit guilty. Maybe she'd spent too much time in the last month fretting over Shinji's safe return when she should have tried a bit harder to ensure Asuka was alright...

She shook her head. There was no point in thinking about those things now. Asuka was ultimately in the place she was emotionally because of Asuka. With the sheer amount of pride that girl carried around there was hardly anything she could say that the redhead would listen to. Right now, the most important thing she could do for both of her kids was to get to the truth of what NERV was planning. That above all else was her top priority. She had to carry on Kaji's work and in doing so she had a feeling it would help everyone else in the process.

She'd read through a good amount of Kaji's notes already and was starting to get a good idea of just how much NERV was hiding from the public as well as a good idea of what kind of organization this SEELE group he kept mentioning was. By now she'd reached the small section he'd written about the Mass Production Series of Evangelions, which she'd learned earlier in the day were nearing completion. In his notes, Kaji had written that he suspected that the Evas had something to do with the mysterious Human Instrumentality Project and considering the construction speeding up, she inclined to agree...

"But what is Human Instrumentality?" she muttered to herself. "What does the auto-evolution of mankind entail?"

That was the question she still couldn't answer, and the question she was certain would uncover the reasoning behind everything that had happened from the Second Impact until now...

---

Colonel Mitsuo Shikishima heaved a heavy sigh as he pressed open the door to his office, not bothering to turn on the lights in the dark room. The meetings with higher ups had certainly taken a toll on him. The meetings with the higher ups had dragged on far too late into the night for his liking. General Oda certainly knew how to work him to the point of utter fatigue, that so much was certain. One would think that the brass would want to give the special forces a moment to relax after doing such an extensive live fire exercise but that seemed to be to much to ask for.

He sat down at his desk and slumped in his chair in the dark, shaking his head. The buildup in the SDF's strength was continuing and he'd just gotten wind that two full tank battalions were staging in the prefecture around Tokyo 3. The exercise was one thing but the defense ministry wasn't even hiding... they were planning to wage war against NERV at some point, and his forces were going to be at the spearhead. It was definitely dark prospect to think about, and the only reason he could think for such an endeavor were the rumors circulating about NERV potentially trying to supplant Japanese authority. That was what really rubbed him the wrong way, the fact that the military was preparing for something like that one what could well be unfounded rumors. He had deep misgivings about going to war against his fellow countrymen. He'd seen enough civil bloodshed in the chaos the first few years post Second Impact had brought Japan...

He looked around his office and his eyes narrowed, noticing that the window was ajar from the motion of the curtains fluttering slightly. That was funny... he hadn't left the window open. In fact, he'd made sure to close it because of the rain earlier in the evening. How could the window gotten open? The hair on the back of his neck stood up and he reached into his desk, grasping the butt of his M1911. Someone had broken in and they could very well still be in the office with him...

He heard a creak coming from the direction of his office door and instantly brought the pistol to bear toward the shadows in that corner of the room. "Who's there!" he barked. "Come on out!"

A figure stepped out of the shadows and into the dim moonlight shining through the window, revealing one Agent Tetsuo Fujita. "Relax, Shikishima, it's me," he replied with a lopsided grin.

Shikishima lowered his gun and curled his lip in disgust. "I wish you would stop doing that..." he growled.

Fujita's playful grin fell away and he stuffed his hands in his pockets. "Unfortunately this was the easiest way to get you alone," he replied. "I have some... concerning news in regards to NERV."

That caught Shikishima's attention. "What sort of news?" he inquired.

Fujita's expression became even more grave. "Do you remember the contact that I made during my infiltration of NERV?" he returned.

Shikishima nodded, glaring at the younger officer. He'd had a long day and he wasn't in the mood to drawing the conversation out longer than needed. "I do, one Ryouji Kaji, if I recall," he replied. "Now get to the point or get the hell out of my office."

Fujita looked down at the carpet. "I can't explain it well enough on my own," he returned. "But I can say that things surrounding NERV, Second Impact, the United Nations... it's deeper than you can possibly imagine..."

Shikishima's anger began to dissipate, replaced with a morbid curiosity. "What do you mean?" he inquired. "What does this have to do with anything?"

"Like I said, I can't really explain the details," Fujita replied gravely. "I'm still trying to process what I've heard from Kaji. It would be best if you met with him yourself. All I know is that we need your help..."

Shikishima raised an eyebrow at that. "My help?" he asked.

Fujita nodded. "Yes," he replied. "You have connections to pass the information up the chain in a way that might keep our asses covered."

Shikishima's eyes narrowed. "I still don't understand what you're getting at," he returned.

Fujita stepped across the room and sat down in the chair across from his desk, looking him in the eye with a stony gaze. "Let's just put it like this... everything that the Japanese government has been suspecting about NERV is a lie, everything and everyone in the world has been deceived for the last fifteen years, and the lives of everyone on earth are at stake..." he replied.

---

Author's notes

There you have it folks, the beginning of the beginning of the end. All the pieces are beginning to move and the schemes in the shadows will soon come to a head. The Fifteenth Angel looms large and our pilots are in about as difficult a position as they were in canon. Poor Asuka keeps on spiralling in self loathing and depression, Rei continues to have doubts about her choices, Kaworu continues to question his reason for being, and Shinji is just trying to keep his found family together...

I must admit, parts of this chapter were truly a joy to write. The opening with Kaji and Fujita kicks of a part of the story that I've been super excited to get to. Also the parts with the ship teasing were quite pleasant. I know there hasn't been much in the way of that for Rei and Shinji in a few chapters now. On another note, I think it's obvious considering where the story stands, but Arael will appear in the next update...

On another note, as may have been noticed, this one took quite a while to finish. Between being overworked at my new job, burnout, and happenings in my sphere outside of my control, I've been in a pretty dark place mentally and emotionally. I hope the quality of my prose hasn't suffered because of that. I'm trying my best to keep this train rolling but with fifty hour weeks it's not easy. I hope that the interest in the story isn't lost between these longer updates. At this point, I feel I'll be lucky if I can finish one chapter a month.

As always, read and review. Thank you all for reading this far!

Regards,

A.F.