The Girl Who Shouted I At The Heart Of The World Chapter 48: Harbinger Of Tragedy, an evangelion fanfic

Chapter 48 – Harbinger Of Tragedy

Misato sat in her bedroom at her desk, her cheek resting against palm, her arm braced atop the wood surface. She'd been researching NERV and going over the files Kaji had given her but there were still so many holes in the data he'd gathered and her own digging wasn't progressing much. The most major question remained unanswered, that being what exactly the Human Instrumentality Project was attempting to accomplish. She knew that it had something to do with the mass production Evas but that was about it. It was so beyond frustrating.

She leaned back in her chair and sighed, looking up at the ceiling. If only Kaji were still alive and able to help her, that would make things so much easier. She genuinely missed him, not just because of his ability to get to the truth of things, but because she'd... loved him. Knowing that she'd never get a chance to tell him that hurt, and the only thing she could do to make peace with that was carry on his work.

Impulsively, she reached over and hit the play button on her answering machine. She'd been listening to his final message for her over and over again in recent days to help find motivation to keep going, that and because it was the only way she'd ever hear his voice again...

"Katsuragi... it's me... I'm sure you're listening to this message, especially after I caused you all so much trouble... Sorry... please tell Ritsu I'm sorry too... And there's one more thing to trouble you with... I've been growing a certain flower... I'd appreciate if you could water it for me. Shinji knows were it is... Katsuragi, the truth is with you... don't hesitate. Move ahead. If I could see you again, I will say... the words that I could not say eight years ago... bye..."

The message finished and the room was once again plunged into silence. Misato crossed her arms and leaned forward, letting her cheek come to rest against her forearms. "Yet another phone that never rings..." she murmured to herself. "And even if it did, it'll never be answered again..."

Somehow it made it hurt even more just saying those things...

She felt like such a complete failure, the fact that she couldn't seem to get any farther in the research other than uncovering the accelerated timeline on completing the mass production Eva series. She felt like she was letting Kaji down, just like she was letting Asuka, Rei, and Shinji down by spending all her time in her room researching and going over Kaji's notes.

But this was easier than trying to console them. She'd never been good with that kind of thing anyway...

When Shinji had told her that Asuka had decided to stay at a friend's house she'd initially been a bit surprised but she'd made no attempt to have her come home. Asuka was always so combative toward just about anything anyone said to her and she'd been expressing desires to be left alone so it was predictable for her to leave. Still... Misato knew that she should have reached out to her and tried to talk her through what she was dealing with but... it just wasn't something she knew how to do.

At least Rei had Shinji to lean on. The blue haired girl had been over the apartment just about every evening after school since the battle with the last Angel. The thought brought a smile to her face. Shinji really had matured a lot in recent weeks and the fact that he was willing to let other people lean on him and actually try to be there for them, including herself, said it all. She was proud of him. He was definitely much different than the timid and closed off kid he'd been when she'd first taken him in. He was still a bit timid, but that was beside the point...

She sat up shook her head. If she was going to be sitting in here and avoiding everyone she might as well being actually doing something productive instead of reminiscing. She clicked on one of the folders she hadn't looked into yet, the folder pertaining to Kaji's research on the Dummy System...

As she read through the file her eyes opened wide and her mouth parted in surprise, surprise that was tinged with concern and curiosity. The information about what the Dummy System was she already knew, that it was an auto pilot system, but the details were new to her. Apparently after failure to successfully deploy the system in combat against both the Thirteenth and Fourteenth Angels, the system had been successfully activated aboard Unit 05 with a modified source code.

However, the most puzzling thing in the file was possible link to Rei Ayanami...

According to Kaji's notes, he'd found some kind of housing quarters for an undetermined test subject while investigating the Dummy Plug System. Apparently the bed in the room was too small for an adult and he'd theorized that it may have belonged at one point to Rei. It wasn't that far of a stretch to think that, considering most of Rei's records were classified even from her... but why? What gave even more credence to the theory was his note of the strange cylinder in the room the Dummy Plugs were produced it, a glass tube filled with LCL, too small for an adult. His notes also showcased a... strange conversation he'd overheard between Commander Ikari and Commander Fuyutsuki. What was the scenario that Commander Ikari had been talking about and why did he abandon it? Apparently even Kaji didn't know...

The more she thought about it the more questions it raised.

"How deep does this all go?" she murmured aloud if only to try and quell the feeling of queasiness in her gut.

Shinji sat in the living room, Penpen at his side, the television playing in the background. He'd spent the afternoon with Rei after school but she'd gone home a little while ago. She wasn't as shaken up as she had been in the immediate aftermath of the last Angel battle but he could tell it still bothered her, though she wouldn't say exactly what it was that happened to her still. He'd honestly wished she'd asked him to stay the night, or at least for dinner. It would have been nice to have a bit of company, especially since Asuka was still staying at Horaki's place for the past three days. Without her and with Misato shutting herself up in her room, the apartment felt so empty. It made him feel isolated and alone, a feeling he used to be comfortable with but now felt so very alienating...

His eyes drifted over to Misato's door, closed as usual these days. He couldn't help but wonder what it was that kept her holed up in her room. She said it was work related but Misato barely ever took work home with her so he doubted she was telling him the real truth. She'd been so distant and just... dour since Kaji's death, but that was understandable. He could only imagine how he'd feel if he ever lost Rei...

"I wonder if Asuka knows?" he murmured to himself. "I wonder if she told her?"

A scowl befell his lips and he breathed a heavy sigh. He doubted that Misato had. If she had there was no doubt in his mind that Asuka would have mentioned it. Heck, she would probably have made a huge scene over it. Then again, if she'd told her over the phone in the last few days he'd have no way of knowing. She'd been staying at Horaki's ever sine the last battle...

He lay back and stared up at the ceiling. The last conversation he'd had with Asuka when she'd been leaving haunted him. He still wished that he could have been there for her, that there was something he could have said to console her after what she'd been through but he couldn't It had been so hard watching her leave. It hurt hearing her speak the truth that his and Rei's efforts to assist her in the battle were in vain. It had driven home the words she'd spoken to him in the immediate aftermath of the action, that she hated him...

In regards to that moment, part of him wanted to think she was just trying to say something that would hurt but he couldn't help but wonder if it was true. He knew she felt upstaged by him when he started getting better sync scored and he knew that she'd been very much affronted when he'd rejected her advances months ago. She had good reason to hate him, at least from her point of view. It was so very saddening.

"I wonder when Asuka will come home?" he murmured to himself.

Penpen made a squeaking sound and flopped down against him, resting his head on his leg. Shinji couldn't help but smile as the bird blinked up at him. He swore that penguin could understand what people were saying sometimes. It actually managed to squeeze a smile out of him. "Are you worried about her too?" he asked.

Penpen nuzzled into his leg and made a chirping sound.

His smile widened and he scratched the bird's neck, eliciting a contented chirping noise. Most likely the penguin just wanted some affection but he wanted to believe he was just as concerned as he was "Yeah..." Shinji murmured. "I hope that she's doing alright..."

Kaworu sat on his bed, the bed that he'd been loaning Soryu since she'd imposed herself upon him, watching the redhead intently. She was playing that gaming console or whatever it was that she'd brought with her which hooked up to the television in his apartment he didn't use. She'd been like this for the last three days, sitting there, playing with that device, only breaking from it to use the bathroom or eat the instant food he kept in his cabinets. Though he didn't understand much of human interactions he knew enough to know that this was abnormal behavior.

It seemed like she was completely withdrawing in on herself and he didn't like that. When he'd first met Soryu she'd been so spirited, depressed, but spirited. Now she didn't seem to have any life left in her. It was all sucked out into those video simulations she occupied herself with. He didn't like it. It... hurt to see her like that. It made him want to reach out to her and try better to help her but... he just didn't know what to do.

Along that same line of thought, he wondered what he would do when the committee finally called on him to fulfill his purpose. He no longer wanted to be their pawn. He no longer wanted to allow his kind to inhabit the earth. He no longer wanted to die for their ends...

He wanted to live an be human...

He closed his eyes and leaned forward, resting his head in his hands. He supposed that his relationship with Soryu... Asuka, had something to do with it. No, it definitely had something to do with those sentiments. It was hard to admit, but he'd truly grown attached to living as a human being. He'd grown attached to the people around him, not just Shinji. Most of all, he'd grown attached to Asuka.

Despite her gruff nature, despite her dour attitude at times and her abrasive personality, he'd very much grown fond of her... and he knew she'd grown fond of him. He could sense it, and he loathed the idea that she might end up hurt when the old men of SEELE called him to fulfill his duty to them. He hated it. It hurt to think about. It hurt even more to know that he'd grown to care for Asuka in such a way that these things effected him. Perhaps he'd grown to care for her even more than he'd ever cared for Shinji, whatever that meant...

"Kaworu..." he heard Asuka call out to him.

Immediately he snapped his head up to find her still focused on the television. "What is it, Soryu-san?" he inquired. Even if he was thinking of her by her given name he couldn't bring himself to call her by it, perhaps out of fear, perhaps out of something else, he didn't know...

A few seconds passed before she made a reply. "Let's go to bed..." she muttered softly.

He didn't mind going to bed at this time even though it was early on in the night. He found it a little puzzling that she would want to sleep this early. It wasn't like she was going to attend school tomorrow since she'd not left his apartment since she'd arrived... "Alright," he returned quietly.

Asuka stood up from where she sat and turned off the television and the gaming device plugged into it. Immediately after doing so she stepped over to the bed and flopped down on her side, whipping the covers over herself in one swift motion. She hadn't even bothered to turn out the lights, probably surmising he'd do it. It was so very sad to see her like this. He wished he knew what to say in this kind of situation but words eluded him...

He stood up and went to the washroom, brushed his teeth, washed his face, and changed into a tee shirt and sleep pants before returning. He turned the light off and laid down on the blanket on the floor he'd been sleeping on since she'd taken up residence. After resting his head on the singular pillow he stared up at the ceiling as the silence settled. He wasn't all that tired but if Asuka wanted to go to sleep he'd be silent and oblige her. It was difficult though. It meant that he was alone with all of his inner conflicts until sleep were to overcome him.

"I'm sorry I'm such a bother..." Asuka suddenly "I'm not trying to inconvenience you..."

He frowned. She was so self effacing now. He missed when she was more assertive and full of herself. It was sad to see that spunk and liveliness drained out of her... and he knew that it would only get worse for her. "You're not a bother," he replied quietly.

Seconds passed by as that suffocating silence befell the room once again. Eventually Asuka spoke again. "When I lost... because I lost that last battle... it feels like everything that makes me worth anything was stripped away..." she murmured softly.

Kaworu could feel a lump forming in his throat. It was painful to hear her degrade herself like this. "You shouldn't feel ashamed, Soryu-san," he replied somberly. "You did the best you could and fought bravely. There's no reason to feel inadequate..."

He watched as Asuka pulled the covers of the bed tighter around herself. "You don't understand..." she returned, her voice sounding hoarse and weak. "The Eva is all I am... without it I'm nothing..."

He grimaced hearing those words. Every time she said something like that it just got more and more painful to hear. "I've said it before, but you needn't feel that way..." he replied.

He could see her visibly tense. "I know you have..." she whimpered. "But it doesn't change how I feel..."

That lump in his throat was getting harder to swallow. "I'm sorry..." he murmured in response.

Tense seconds of silence passed before Asuka spoke again. "I hate this..." she whimpered. "I hate everything... I hate myself..."

"Stop it..." Kaworu uttered impulsively, unable to keep the words at bay. He couldn't stand hearing her speak like this.

"I can't..." she whimpered. "I can't help how I feel... Everybody leaves me... nobody wants me... I'm nothing..."

"That's not true..." he replied reflexively.

Silence fell again and he found that he couldn't find the right words to console her. He grimaced and curled up tight in his blanket. "I'm sorry you feel this way..." was all he could manage to whisper out.

Asuka didn't respond.

Kaworu lay there on the floor, staring up at the ceiling, his thoughts running rampant. Part of him wanted to reach out to her. Part of her wanted to just... climb up on the bed and embrace her, but what would the implications of that be? How would she react to that action? More importantly, if he allowed himself to keep getting closer to her and he couldn't find a way to defy his purpose and stand up to the old men at SEELE then he knew it would leave her hurting far worse than she was now.

So he did nothing, and lay there on the floor under his blanket until sleep finally took him...

Rei sat in her school desk, watching the clock on the wall as the final hour of the school day drew to a close. The last few days since her encounter with the most recent Angel it had been hard to focus on anything other than the visions that she'd endured during said event. The school days had been a complete blur and so had the afternoons she'd been spending with Shinji. It was hard to focus on mundane classwork or anything when just about any waking moment was filled with the anxiety elicited from those memories. The thoughts and fears regarding being rejected and cast aside by all the people she cared for were difficult to process. It made every waking moment around them wrought with fear and apprehension...

Soon enough the final bell rang and everyone rose from their seats. Rei stood up with them and began to head for the door. However, before she could exit the classroom she came face to face with Horaki. "Ayanami, do you have a minute?" she asked, a look of concern on her face.

Rei nodded, curious as to what Horaki might want with her. It wasn't often that the they spoke with one another. "I do," she replied evenly.

Horaki cast her eyes down at the floor. "What happened in the last battle must have been pretty bad..." she uttered softly. "It must have been, considering Asuka hasn't been coming to school."

Rei nodded again, inwardly shuddering, the visions clawing at her consciousness. "It was indeed... quite unpleasant," he replied. "I assume she hasn't told you about what happened?"

Horaki shook her head. "No," she stated. "She hasn't called or shown up to school so we haven't talked. I hope she's alright..."

Rei's eyes widened. "What do you mean?" she inquired, puzzled and a bit worried. "I was told she was staying with you?"

Horaki's face took on an expression that matched her own. "Wait, what?" she uttered, confused.

"Shinji said that she has been staying with you since the night of the battle," Rei clarified.

Horaki's brows knit up in obvious worry. "She hasn't been staying with me..." she murmured. "You mean she's not at her home?"

"No," Rei replied looking down at the floor as she began to contemplate the question of Asuka's true whereabouts.

"I hope she's alright and that she comes home soon..." Horaki stated quietly.

"I hope so as well..." Rei returned softly.

Horaki nodded. "Well... I'm gonna get going," she said. "Let me know if you hear from her."

"I shall," Rei replied, still deep in thought on the matter of where her redheaded friend had been residing for the past four days. Why would she lie to Shinji and Misato about staying with Horaki? What did she have to gain from that? From what Shinji had told her Asuka had left with a decent amount of her belongings so she wasn't simply on the street... so where was she? She had to be with someone she knew... but who?

Nagisa... it had to be Nagisa. The very thought sickened her, but she needed to confirm it. She had to find him, ask him about it, and give him a piece of her mind regarding it...

She exited the class room and found Shinji leaning against the wall beside the door. "Hey, what did Horaki-san want to talk to you about?" he asked.

She knew that if she told him that Asuka hadn't been staying with their class representative that it would needlessly worry him. It was yet another lie and another secret she kept from him... "It wasn't important," she replied quietly. "She was asking if I knew about what's been bothering Asuka..."

Shinji nodded, his lips curving downward. "Is she alright?" he asked.

"I suppose she's as well as she can be," Rei replied quietly whilst looking away and wishing he would change the topic of conversation to something else. She didn't like lying to him...

Shinji sighed, glancing down at the floor. "Well... I guess we just have to let her figure things out on her own," he muttered before raising his head to meet her gaze once again with an awkward smile. "Do you still want to come over like yesterday? It's definitely nice having over more."

Indeed she would like to come over and spend the afternoon sitting beside him, drinking tea, and watching television, but the matter of where Asuka was staying was far more important than such things. She shook her head. "Unfortunately I cannot," she replied. "I have some things I must attend to."

Shinji's smile wavered slightly and he nodded his head. "I understand," he replied. "I guess I'll see you tomorrow morning then."

She offered him a warm smile. "I look forward to it," she replied. With that she headed off down the hall alone, hoping to be able to intercept Nagisa before he got too far.

As soon as she hit the courtyard in front of the school she set her head on a swivel. She did not see him. He must have already started his walk. She knew that the usual path he took back to his residence, wherever that was, followed hers and Shinji's for a little while before making a right hand turn and so she began her walk at a somewhat hurried pace. She needed to intercept him and confirm her suspicions...

Sure enough, as she strode forward she could see him up in the distance. He made his turn onto the road he always did and she followed him until she was only a few dozen meters behind him. "Nagisa!" she called out.

He stopped in his tracks and turned to face her, a look of surprise on his face. "Ayanami?" he spoke, sounding puzzled. "Is something the matter?"

She closed the distance between the two of them. "Yes," she stated harshly, unable to keep herself from glaring at him. "There is..."

His brows knit up and he looked downward. "It this about Soryu-san?" he asked.

Rei's scowl intensified. That basically confirmed her suspicions but she needed to hear it from him directly. "Yes," she snapped. "Has she been staying with you for the last few days?"

He nodded softly. "She has..." he murmured somberly. "She's been... rather depressed. I'm not sure what I can do for her, if anything..."

The mournful expression he'd taken on surprised her, nearly making her drop her defenses, but the knowledge of what he was and what his purpose in Tokyo 3 outweighed those compassionate feelings... "Why have you been letting her stay with you?" Rei asked, unable to retain the harsh tone she'd initially used with him.

Nagisa looked her directly in the eyes. "Because I care about her," he stated firmly, sadness in those pinkish red eyes of his. "And I don't like seeing her in a state of despondency."

The sincerity in which he said that finally caused her guard to break. Any anger she felt toward him was replaced by sympathy and sadness due to the tragedy of the situation. That look on his face told her that he knew that tragedy as well. The fact that he was still bound to his purpose like she had once been and that executing it would leave the people he cared for in tears. In that moment she could truly relate to him... but it still upset her knowing Asuka could get hurt if he didn't find a way out of his circumstance. "I'm... glad you care about her..." Rei replied softly, casting her gaze to the sidewalk. "I just don't want her to get hurt any further..."

"I don't wish for that either..." he returned, sounding a little choked.

She felt so impotent and powerless. She hated that sensation. It made her want to lash out, to scream, to do anything to alleviate that feeling. "Then why do you allow yourself to get closer to her?" Rei asked. "Why do you allow her to get closer to you? You know what you are. You know what you'll have to do..."

"Why did you let yourself get close to Shinji-kun?" he countered quietly.

Rei flinched at those words before balling her fists. It was a question she'd never thought on in depth. She supposed it simply happened. The rhetorical nature of his question helped her understand his position but she still didn't like it... "I... I couldn't help it..." she replied quietly. "It simply... happened..."

"I suppose that is the same for me, and for all... human relations," Nagisa returned somberly.

Rei nodded in begrudging agreement, raising her eyes to meet his once again. "I suppose it is..." she replied before pressing on to the address the proverbial elephant in the room. "Do you... think you can defy the will of SEELE? Do you think there is a way for you to survive this?"

He bit his lip and looked down, his eyes filled with conflict and his brows knit in worry. "I don't know..." he returned soberly. "I hope so... I've said it before, I no longer wish to fulfill my purpose..."

Rei remembered him saying as much before. "I hope you can find that path forward..." she murmured. "For Asuka's sake..."

"I hope so too..." he replied. "Take care... I'll be heading off..."

Rei said nothing as she watched him turn around and head down the street away from her. She dug her fingers into her palms, breathing heavily as she watched him go. She wished that he could find his path to defying his purpose as she had hers... but she doubted it was possible. It was so very sad. It hurt. It hurt to know that in the end she could do nothing but stand by and witness what could be coming...

Ritsuko was sitting at her desk, looking over the latest combat data from the pilots. It was getting late but she still had to process the data, though mostly just absently scrolling through data that had been logged. All the readings told her were things she already knew, that both Rei and Asuka had sustained serious mental and emotional trauma during the battle that would no doubt effect their ability to pilot their Evas. Considering how stable Rei's scores always had been she estimated that her score would probably fluctuate within six to eight points. As for Asuka, she worried that she might not even be able to synchronize with Unit 02 at all. Considering how much damage that girl's ego had sustained in recent months it wouldn't be too far fetched to think such things...

She leaned back in her chair and stared up at the ceiling. It honestly surprised her that she hadn't received the order to find and designate the Fifth Child yet. Then again, Gendo certainly knew what doing as such would entail. It was further evidence that he'd abandoned his pursuits for the world's end, the fact that he was holding off on bringing in the final Angel as a pilot... but it would eventually happen. She knew it and most likely so did he...

Suddenly her cell phone began to ring. No one ever called her personal line, not even Misato, so she answered it quickly. "Hello?" she answered.

"Ritsu-chan, it's your grandma," came the shaky voice on the other end. "How are you?"

Ritsuko sighed. It wasn't often that she spoke with her grandmother. Usually they only talked when something was going wrong for her or when an extended relative that she couldn't care less about passed away. "Well enough," she replied. "Work has been keeping me rather busy. How are you?"

"I'm well," her grandmother replied. "Things are rather slow over here where I am."

"I see," Ritsuko returned. "I suppose that's good."

Her grandmother sniffled on the other side of the line. "I do have some bad news though," she continued. "Do you remember my cat Tsuki, the little black one?"

Ritsuko did indeed remember that cat. It had always rubbed up on her legs and purred when she'd visited. "Yeah, I remember her," she replied.

"Well... she passed away earlier today," her grandmother continued, audibly weeping. "She was seventeen..."

It was certainly a long life for a house cat, but these things eventually happen. All things have their time when they depart the world, even cats... "I'm sorry grandma..." she replied softly.

"With Tsuki gone it's so lonely," her grandmother said softly, sounding a bit more composed after a moment. "Ever since your mother died and you've been away it's been hard me. Have you visited her grave recently?"

Ritsuko frowned. She hadn't visited her mother's grave in years. It was far away in Kyoto and she scarcely had time free from work to take such a trip. On top of that, remembering the difficult relationship she'd had with her mother made visiting her resting place quite difficult emotionally. They'd rarely gotten along and when they had it had been only because she'd been following in her footsteps, taking an interest in science, in computers, in things unrelated to familial connection. Knowing that her mother had prioritized her ambitions over everything else until the very end, even over her, stung. Part of her could never forgive her for that. Now it was even more difficult, knowing how she died and what she'd done to the first Rei in a fit of blind rage. She supposed she'd inherited a bit of that guilt and shame in a way.

Then again, she supposed she was atoning for it little by little through her own relationship with the blue haired girl. It was so funny how life could spin its works... "No," she replied quietly. "I haven't been to visit in over three years."

"Promise me you will, okay?" her grandmother implored her. "And please, visit me too. I miss the sweet little Ritsuko-chan that I remember visiting years ago. I miss my family."

Ritsuko's frown deepened. She was no longer that sweet and obedient little girl that her grandmother remembered, but parents and grandparents seldom ever acknowledge the changes in their children. They most of the time view them as they want to view them. It was part of the reason she still found herself apprehensive to have children of her own. She didn't want to make that same mistake and deny any offspring she might have an identity by categorizing them in some arbitrary way. "I promise that I will, whenever I get time to," she said, if only to make her grandmother feel better.

"Thank you, Ritsu-chan," her grandmother replied. "I hope you can come by soon. Thank you for taking pity on an old woman like me..."

Ritsuko feigned a smile even if her grandmother couldn't see it. "I understand," she returned softly. "I promise I'll come by when I can."

"Alright, I know you're busy so I'll let you go," her grandmother stated. "I love you. Take care now, okay?"

"You too, grandma," Ritsuko replied. "I'll call again soon."

"Bye," her grandmother returned.

"Bye..." Ritsuko replied before hanging up the line. Immediately as she did she snatched up her pack of cigarettes and lit one. Even though the conversation had been mostly pleasant it dredged up too many unpleasant memories for her liking. It made her feel sick. It made her feel nervous and uneasy, the way she'd felt growing up with her mother... "I suppose that child is dead..." she muttered to herself.

Except she wasn't. Inside, part of her still felt like that lonely and nervous child she'd once been, no matter how hard she tried to kill it or leave it behind...

It was early in the morning four days after the last Angel had attacked Tokyo 3 and Gendo took his seat in the meeting room within the pyramid of the geofront, awaiting the commencement of the scheduled meeting with SEELE. He already knew what this meeting would be about and he already knew exactly what he would say that would allow him to squeak by unscathed. The old men were predictable in most aspects and he knew that even though their suspicion of him must be at an all time high that until the last two Angels were dealt with that he was an indispensable piece of their machinations. For how much longer though, that awaited to be seen, and so in spite of this knowledge an element of nervousness stirred within him, one that he would never show. He was quite the expert in concealing his true thoughts and emotions after all...

The lights dimmed, plunging the room into total darkness but for the dim light shining from beneath the desk he was seated at. Seconds later the monoliths that SEELE preferred to use to communicate appeared in a circle around him. Gendo remained calm, immune to their tactics of intimidation. He'd long ago grown used to it. "This meeting is now in session," the booming, distorted voice of Keel Lorenz filled the room. "There is much to discuss."

And yet so little, he thought to himself, concealing a smirk. They were so very predictable. "So it would seem," Gendo replied in his usual pithy fashion.

"Your condescension is noted," Keel stated grimly.

The third member of SEELE spoke up immediately. "It is impossible to retrieve the Lance of Longinus!" he growled. "Why did you use it!"

"For that matter, why did you lift our mandated freeze on Unit 01!" the second member interjected.

Gendo remained calm, for he expected this exact inquisition. How satisfying it was going to be to put these conniving old bastards in their place soon enough, should his gambit with Kaji prove successful... "It was the only viable solution to the situation encountered," he stated evenly. "Destroying the Angels is NERV's top priority, is it not?"

"The only viable solution?" the fourth member of the council scoffed. "Do you expect us to believe such nonsense? You'd better think of a more reasonable excuse!"

Gendo's smirk widened. Impotent words from impotent men... "It is no excuse," he replied calmly. "The fact that this meeting was delayed until now is proof that my explanation is already known as plain fact."

There was a pause that hung in the air before anyone spoke. Keel was the one to break the silence. "Perhaps, but your flagrant disregard for the assets in your care is troublesome," he stated. "Your incessant dancing with the devil in your actions shows a clear disrespect toward this committee and its aims..."

"The risks were manageable," Gendo returned, knowing they were pressuring him simply to see how he would react. They had nothing on him, nothing they could use make a move on him at least, and so he took initiative and went on offense. "Tell me, what would any of you have done in a situation with only three Evas, two of which were incapacitated?"

"Perhaps you have a point..." the second member of SEELE growled in response.

"But this poses another issue that has come to the attention of this committee," the third member cut in. "The Mass Production Series is still incomplete..."

"A matter that concerns me little," Gendo responded dismissively. "Until they are ready to be deployed, I am left to defeat the Angels with only what tools I have at my disposal."

"And yet without the Lance our ultimate aims have been made more difficult," SEELE number two stated.

"And your position as Commander made more tenuous," Keel stated ominously. "Your flagrant disregard for the will of this committee makes us consider a forced... retirement."

"My loyalty to the scenario is unwavering," Gendo lied. "I'm certain that you can make the needed alterations to accommodate for the loss of the Lance."

"The accommodations can be made, but not without difficulty," Keel returned. "I suggest remembering your place in future..."

"I shall," Gendo returned flatly. "Though I must ask, will the freeze on Unit 01 remain in effect even though it was deployed in the last battle?"

"Yes," Keel responded. "You must not use it unless absolutely necessary... and we will determine if any future deployment was necessitated retroactively."

Before he could offer any words of protest the telephone in the desk drawer Gendo was seated at began to ring. The only person he could imagine calling would be Fuyutsuki but he should know better than to call during a meeting such as this. At the same time, the meeting was reaching a point of rhetoric and redundancy, so it was a welcome interruption. He answered the phone and put the receiver to his ear. "Fuyutsuki, I'm in conference," he said flatly.

"Ikari, an anomaly has been detected on the outskirts of the city," Fuyutsuki's voice entered his ears. "The Magi determine it's most likely the Sixteenth Angel..."

Gendo's blood ran cold. If this was the case then NERV was in a very precarious state. There was no doubt that SEELE would not allow Unit 01 to deploy again unless it was an absolute emergency. Not being able count on Unit 02's pilot to perform would make the coming engagement quite difficult, but he had to overcome this foe no matter what... "I understand," he replied, hanging up the phone and turning to address the committee members assembled. "Another Angel is approaching, we must finish this later."

"You're assuming you'll still have a seat here..." the sixth member stated ominously.

Gendo disconnected from the hologram conference and strode out of the room, heading for the bridge. Nothing that SEELE said right now mattered. All that mattered to him was defeating this latest messenger of doom for the betterment of humanity...

Misato had been enjoying a pleasant day away from the office when she'd gotten the alert notification that a possible Angel had been spotted. Instantly she'd sprung up from her desk and thrown on her uniform's jacket before dashing to her car and speeding towards headquarters...

As she drove she could see the threat that awaited her, drifting lazily through the sky. It looked like a giant glowing white ring, a halo, harmless and benign, floating above the countryside. Then again... the last Angel had appeared utterly harmless compared to the horrific creatures that had assaulted the city in past. Somehow she could sense that this adversary would be a formidable threat.

The car phone in her Renault Alpine began to ring and she answered it instinctively. It was Hyuga. "Major, where are you?" he asked. "What's your ETA?"

"I'll be there in fifteen minutes," she replied, her eyes darting between her path forward on the road and the Angel lazily drifting through the sky. "What's the status on the pilots?"

"They should be arriving soon," Hyuga replied. "What are your orders?"

"Have all three units prepared to launch," she replied firmly. "We'll see what Commander Ikari has to say when I get there..."

"Understood," Hyuga returned. "What if the pilots get here before you do?"

Misato grit her teeth. Unit 01 had been deployed against the previous Angel but she couldn't be sure that Commander Ikari would want to to have it deployed again. It would definitely be easier if he did want Unit 01 on front line duty but she couldn't be certain without speaking to him. She didn't want to chance her position of command... "Whatever I say might be overridden by Commander Ikari anyway. Just have them remain on standby..."

"Roger that," Hyuga replied. "Over an out."

Misato hung up the phone without another word, taking her eyes off the road to glare up at the Angel. Hopefully things would go smoother than last time but she doubted they would...

Shinji leaned up against the wall between the men's and women's changing rooms, eyes closed and panting heavily. His legs ached and he felt like he was about to pass out from lack of air. Since he'd heard the sirens come to life during his usual walk with Rei to school the pair had only stopped running during the half dozen elevator rides after reaching NERV headquarters. It was always so much easier when Misato could pick them up and drive them, what few times that had occurred. "I know... we need... to get ready..." he choked out. "But that... run... never gets... any easier..."

"Indeed..." Rei replied, catching her breath much faster than him. Out of the corner of his eye he could see that she'd folded her arms and was looking down at the tiles. "It does not..."

He finally managed to catch his breath and looked over at the azure haired girl beside him. The expression on her face was one that could best be described as muted horror or extreme apprehension at best. Even more striking was sight of her fingers dug tightly into the fabric of her shirt's sleeves. "Hey, are you okay?" he asked even though it was painfully obvious that she wasn't. Something was clearly on her mind.

Rei closed her eyes and exhaled shakily. "I'm... afraid..." she murmured quietly. "I'm afraid of what this Angel might be capable of..."

Shinji frowned and nodded, understanding fully why she would be apprehensive after what the last Angel did to her. "I get it," he replied. "The last battle wasn't easy, especially for you and Asuka. I get why you're nervous."

"I'm worried," she bit out, her eyes glued to the floor but staring off at something far more distant. "I'm worried that... this battle cannot be won..."

Shinji felt a weight drop in his stomach like a stone. He'd never heard her speak like this. It filled his heart with worry. "I- I won't let that happen..." he murmured in response.

"I'm not sure it's within your power to control..." Rei replied just above a whisper.

Before he could respond, footsteps captured his attention. He looked down the hall and took sight of Asuka walking toward them, her head bowed and her fiery bangs concealing her eyes. It was the first he'd seen her since she'd left home and it was obvious that she'd not been doing well. "Hey, Asuka, are you alright?" he asked.

She said nothing and pushed inside the locker room Rei stood beside without a word to either of them. Shinji's frown deepened. He wished that she'd just let him reach out to her. She was his friend and he wanted to help her but she was so closed off now, not unlike how he used to be. It made him so very sad...

Rei breathed deeply once again. "We should get changed..." she murmured softly, turning to follow Asuka. "The combat team is awaiting us..."

As she did so, he reached out instinctively and grabbed at her hand, catching it in his. "Rei, it's going to be fine..." he tried to reassure her. "Even last time, we all survived. I'll protect you..."

Rei bowed her head, hiding her eyes from him. "I know you will..." she murmured. "Or at least you'll try..."

She stepped inside the women's locker room, leaving him alone in the hallway, his mind filled with worry for the two girls who were closest to him.

For the first time in a long time he felt truly alone...

Ritsuko stood on the bridge watching the feed of the Angel on the central display, her heart thumping in her chest. She'd seen this foe in the files she'd extracted of Rei's memories and she knew exactly how much of a threat it was in spite of its benign appearance. She knew what it had done to Rei and knew what it could do to her again and that scared terrified her. She regretted that she hadn't been able to see the blue haired girl between her arrival at NERV and now. If she had she might have been able to give words of encouragement or comfort. Considering how the last battle had effected her, the poor girl probably needed it now more than ever...

"The pilots are on station," Lt. Hyuga stated.

"Target is remaining stationary," Lt. Aoba added. "Pattern orange at present."

"All Evas ready to launch," Maya called out.

Ritsuko turned to Gendo. "Sir, are the restrictions on Unit 01's deployment still in effect?" she asked, her voice filled with worry. If Shinji could be sent up along with Rei then they'd have a much better chance of getting through the battle alive...

His hands rested in front of his face as they usually did but without his glasses she could see the slightest wrinkle in his eyebrows denoting that there was some form of inner debate taking place. "Yes..." he replied quietly. "The freeze order is still in place..."

Ritsuko's lips parted in shock. "Sir, may I ask why?" she blurted out before she could stop herself. "Rei and Asuka are likely still experiencing instabilities."

"Launch Unit 00," he stated, ignoring her question. "Have Unit 02 prepared to deploy as backup."

She bit her lip. She understood that SEELE probably had his hands tied but it still didn't sit right with her. If only he knew what she did, but even if he told her he'd never believe it. Even if he did it could potentially cause more problems than it would solve and this wasn't the place to tell him anyway... "Yes sir..." she replied in defeat before turning around and addressing the bridge. "Prepare launch Unit 00!"

"Roger!" Lt. Hyuga responded firmly.

Ritsuko folded her arms and looked down at the floor. No matter what the rhyme or reason, she didn't like what was happening one bit...

"Do you think this is wise?" Fuyutsuki asked quietly. "Dr. Akagi has a very good point..."

Gendo closed his eyes and drew a deep breath from behind his hands. The meeting with the committee less than an hour earlier been clear; they would not stomach Unit 01 being deployed again unless it was absolutely necessary. It left him in a precarious position considering the pilot of Unit 02 was no longer reliable. He hoped that Rei would be able to manage on her own... "The committee is still enforcing their orders regarding Unit 01..." replied darkly. "I have little choice..."

Fuyutsuki nodded grimly. "I see..." he muttered. "We must keep up appearances just a little longer then..."

"Indeed, sensei," Gendo replied. "Until this Angel and the next are dispatched..."

A heavy pause hung in the air between the two men. "I must ask... should our gambit with our spy fail, are you prepared to fight the committee openly?" he inquired just above a whisper.

Gendo's scowl deepened immensely...

Rei gripped the control sticks inside her Eva's entry plug with trembling hands as she awaited the order to launch. She was trying her best not to panic but no matter what she did she couldn't steady her breathing. She and Shinji had made the dash to NERV the minute they'd heard the sirens during their walk to school and the entire time her anxiety had been boiling inside her. She knew even without seeing it, with no doubt in her mind that those sirens heralded the Angel that had caused her death once before.

Soon enough that suspicion was confirmed during the mad dash to headquarters. She'd seen it, hanging there in the sky like some deranged halo or a portal into hell. It had taken every ounce of self control she could muster to keep running and not collapse in panic. Just thinking about what she was about to endure had her shaking like a leaf and her mind racing. How could she defeat it alone? How could she manage to defeat it without getting killed in the process? If she did get killed would she come back? Would she awaken in the tank in the bowels of NERV, finally pass on, or simply... cease to exist?

Rei shook her head and closed her eyes, forcing those invasive thoughts away. She had to focus now, focus on the task at hand and do her job even though she wanted to run away more than anything else in the world in that moment. She found that her breath catching in her throat as she trudged onward toward the Eva cages. The fear was overwhelming. Was this a panic attack? It didn't matter. She needed to go and fight. She'd been ordered to go and fight...

"Alright, Rei, are you ready?" Ritsuko's voice crackled over the radio in her cockpit.

She took a deep breath and let it out. It was good to hear her voice. It helped her steady herself just a little bit. "Yes..." she returned just above a whisper.

"Launch Unit 00!" she heard Ritsuko shout out before the catapult sledge started rocketing skyward, pressing her into her seat.

The ride to the surface seemed to take forever, each second feeling like a lifetime. She could hear her heartbeat thundering in her ears as she desperately tried to come up with a plan to win the fight. Originally she'd had Kaworu piloting Unit 02 to help even the odds but now she didn't even have that... what could she do now other than keep her distance and try not to get hit? What would happen if Asuka or Shinji were sent up? The possibilities terrified her...

But before she could come to grips with those possibilities, the sledge ended its travel and she was face to face with her adversary hovering in the distance...

Rei froze. She was trembling all over and she felt faint. Seeing this horrific entity once again was too much. She wanted to run. She wanted to retreat right back down the shaft she'd ridden up on but she couldn't. She knew that everyone was counting on her and she simply couldn't risk Asuka or Shinji facing this enemy and yet she couldn't move.

"Rei, hang back for now," Ritsuko said. "We'll play it safe until Misato arrives on station."

Rei brought the rifle in Unit 00's hands tight to the giant cyborg's chest, drew a deep breath, and let it out. "Understood..." she murmured softly.

At first knowing that she'd be able to sit back and think of a plan felt like a blessing but as the seconds ticked by it only added to her apprehension and anxiety. Knowing that these agonizingly slow seconds could be her last, this time forever, was almost too much to bear. All the while she could see the helix ringed form of the Angel drifting closer, and closer, and closer...

"Transferring Unit 02 to the eighth launch bay," one of the bridge technicians stated.

"Evangelion Unit 02 shall remain on standby," another stated.

Asuka sat in the cockpit with a vacant expression on her face, loosely gripping the controls, a feeling of profound emptiness permeating her being. Unit 02 felt so distant and cold, detached and withdrawn from her. She felt alone and worthless and frustrated that she just couldn't take it any more. She might as well just give up and give in. Even seeing Rei and Shinji earlier made her feel pathetic and alone. They had each other and were still able to pilot, meanwhile she was the once prideful friend who was now a worthless piece of shit. She had no business trying to talk to them and it would have only made her feel worse anyway. She was useless and she knew it. Unit 02 was proving it to her again right now... "Am I even linked to this thing anymore?" she murmured to herself. "Even if I go I'll just be a burden on them..."

"Target approaching," she heard Lt. Hyuga state. "It's passing the final intercept line at Gora."

"I just don't care anymore..." Asuka murmured. Rei and Shinji could handle whatever was in store without her. She was a useless component. There was nothing she could contribute or add to the situation at hand. All she could do was sit in her cockpit and await the outcome. Unit 02 wouldn't respond to her anymore and there was nothing she could do to change that...

Getting parked and situated had taken far longer than she'd wished. Misato dashed onto the bridge, panting heavily, trying her best to remain composed as she called out to the rest of the bridge. "What's our status!?" she shouted, trying to take command.

"Where have you been?" Ritsuko growled at her.

"I had some delays, sorry, no excuse," Misato bit out before addressing the bridge crew. "What's our status?"

"It looks like we're in a stalemate, Major," Lt. Aoba responded.

"He's right, the target's identification pattern is fluctuating between blue and orange," Hyuga stated.

Misato scowled, her pulse quickening. "What does that mean!?" she barked.

"The Magi aren't able to answer that question yet!" Lt. Ibuki responded.

"We just don't have enough data to determine what that means presently..." Lt. Aoba added.

"However, I have no doubt that the target is capable of assuming different forms compared to what it's assuming presently..." Ritsuko muttered, scowling down at the deck.

Misato grimaced, folding her arms across her chest. She took sight of the helix ring hovering in the sky via the central display. There was no doubt it was an Angel but without a confirmed pattern blue she couldn't authorize an attack. "So we can't attack first..." she muttered before stepping over and grabbing the radio mic at Hyuga's station. "Rei, hold back and study it for now."

"Rei, hold back and study it for now," Misato's voice issued forth over the plug's speakers.

No sooner than she'd said that the Angel's dual helix form merged into a solid line and snapped into a singular serpentine line, lunging forward at her...

Rei jumped to the side, the Angel impacting the ground just behind where she'd been standing. Her heart was pounding in her ears but she let loose a burst of rifle fire at the enemy all the same, striking the Angel's body with no visible effect.

"Pattern blue!" she heard Lt. Hyuga shout. "It's an Angel all right!"

Of course it was an Angel, it was the Angel that had once killed her, and she was not about to let that happen again as long as she could keep herself from shaking. She was out of time to formulate a plan, all Rei could do was react in this moment. She jettisoned her power cable and rolled away as the Angel lunged toward her Eva once again. As soon as Unit 00 was on it's feet, she dashed away, charging toward the nearest cable port. She had to stay alive. She had to keep moving. She had to avoid getting hit. If she got hit then there was no way she would survive, she knew it...

Rei dove toward the nearest cable port and set about hooking up the power cable but no sooner had she done that then Misato's voice rang out inside the plug. "Rei!" she shouted. "It's coming right at you! Get out of there!"

Rei turned around to see the glowing serpentine form of the Angel bearing down on top of her. She rolled out of the way on instinct and brought Unit 00's rifle to bear on her enemy, firing a burst of automatic fire, once again to no effect. She was shaking, unsure of how long she could keep going. Every atom in her body wanted to collapse and curl into a ball, to give in to the fear she felt. "I can't kill it!" she shouted, unable to contain her emotions. "Help me!"

"Rei, stay calm!" Ritsuko's voice shouted over the radio. "You have to keep fighting! Don't panic"

That was easier said than done. The Angel was impervious to bullets just like in the other world so there was little she could do but put up a meager resistance. All she could do was hold it at bay until the inevitable happened. "I'm trying!" she shouted desperately, firing another burst at the enemy.

Once again, it had no effect, bouncing off the Angel's glowing hide as it lunged at her. She had no way to dodge, there was too little time. She felt the impact and the burn as the horrid thing began to bore its way into Unit 00's flesh. Her Eva collapsed on it's back and she grasped at the Angel, trying to force it away with her Eva's hands. She closed her eyes and grit her teeth as the tears began to fall...

This was happening just like it had just in the other world and there was nothing she could do to change it. She cried out in pain as the Angel began to bore into her own flesh. The pain was immeasurable. The emotional anguish was beyond words. She arched her back in pain, closing her eyes in fear and pain and then...

Darkness took her...

Misato stood on the bridge in shock, barely able to comprehend what she was witnessing. The target had become a serpentine beam in mere moments and started penetrating Unit 00. She had no idea what to do in a situation like this. She felt powerless, unable to control the situation.

"Contamination!" Lt. Aoba shouted. "The target is invading Unit 00!"

Misato snapped around to face the long haired officer. "What's the status of Unit 00's A.T. Field!?" she cried desperately in a vain attempt to take control of things unfolding.

"Her field is up but it's not stopping the Angel's probe!" Lt. Ibuki shouted in response.

"The Angel must be trying to establish first level contact with Unit 00..." Ritsuko murmured. "Nothing can be done to stop it..."

Misato glared at her estranged friend. "Why are you so sure about that!?" she barked.

Ritsuko stared down at the floor, her eyes filled with an energy she couldn't place. "I just am..." she murmured softly.

As much as Misato wanted to respond she couldn't. The safety of Rei took precidenr. "Biological contamination of Unit 00 reaching five percent!" Lt. Ibuki screamed, demanding her attention.

Misato's heart was pounding in her chest watching what was happening on the central display. The engagement was going poorly and she had to salvage it somehow but without Unit 01 she had limited options. All she could do was hope that Asuka could manage to synchronize and fight when it mattered most... "Eva Unit 02 roll out!" she shouted. "Take some of that heat off of Rei!"

Asuka felt the catapult jolt and felt her spine compressing as Unit 02 began its travel to the surface. So they were sending her up. She bowed her head and bared her teeth. What good would her going into battle again do? What could she possibly do to help Rei at a time like this? She'd lost so many times now and she couldn't feel a connection to Unit 02 anymore.

The catapult came to a stop and the doors in in front of her opened, revealing the battlefield and the horrible sight in front of her. Unit 00 was laying on its back, twitching and convulsing. Her heart dropped into her stomach upon witnessing the sight. If she couldn't go and save her friend then she was truly worthless. If she didn't then she didn't deserve to call Rei her friend...

"Asuka! Advance three hundred meters and spread your A.T. Field to maximum!" Misato barked. "Once there, target the Angel's rear section and open fire with your rifle! Eva Unit 02 move out!"

She pushed the control sticks forward and willed her Eva to move... but it simply wouldn't.

The emotion threatened to pour out of her and she choked back gasps of fury, anguish, frustration, and sorrow. Tears welled up in her eyes and she grit her teeth so hard that it hurt to keep them from falling. She knew this would happen and she was powerless to do anything. Unit 02 would no longer allow her to pilot it. She didn't have the will to force it to anymore...

"What are you doing!?" Misato cried over the radio. "Asuka! Move out now!"

"I- I can't..." Asuka whimpered. "It just won't move..."

"Unit 02's sync ratio is less than ten percent!" Lt. Ibuki's voice sounded in her cockpit, adding further humiliation and angst to her situation. She felt so low, so pathetic, so worthless...

"If that's the case then she's just a target sitting out there!" Misato shouted. "Pull her back now!"

A target, a dummy, a doll... that was all she was. She was nothing, no better than her mother's rag-doll right now...

Never in her life had she ever felt lower...

Rei found herself once again in a black void, one that was uncomfortably, uncannily familiar. It was like the void she'd existed in after Instrumentality when she'd been dying, before Yui-sama had arrived and allowed her to live again. It was like the void she'd been subjected to under the last Angel's attack. It was just like the void she'd been subjected to when she'd fought this Angel the last time. She hated it. It scared her. She wanted out. "Wh- where am I?" she stuttered nervously, her heart pounding in her chest.

The inky blackness began to lighten until all of her surroundings to her sides and above were blood red. She hated the color. It made her feel squeamish and fearful. It was the color of war, the color of pain, the color of death... but below her was orange, the color of LCL. Was it LCL? It looked like it as it was obviously liquid, pulsating in waves and ripples, but that wasn't important. What was important and captured her full attention was the apparition before her...

It was her, another her, except it wasn't. It was a being that looked like her and was dressed like her it possessed a twisted smile and glowing red eyes, standing waist deep in the liquid she floated above. She remembered this being. It was the manifestation of the Angel, taunting her by taking her form. "It hurts... doesn't it?" the entity asked, it's voice a sickeningly silky perversion of her own.

"Leave me alone..." Rei murmured, closing her eyes, trying to block it all out. She didn't want to believe that she was in this place again, having been able to do nothing to change anything at all.

"You don't want to become one with me?" the Angel asked.

Her eyes snapped open. "No!" she shouted, balling her fists at her side. She'd grown so much and worked hard to build an identity for herself, something she'd never had in the other world. There was no way she would give it up! "I am me! I don't want to become one with you!"

"But you want to become one with him, don't you?" the Angel sneered, taunting her, teasing her. "You want Shinji-kun all for yourself..."

Images, no... memories began to play out around her for her to view in little swirling windows appearing in the red void surrounding her. She saw the memories of the old world where he'd fallen upon her naked form, where she'd held his hand, where she'd held his hand during Instrumentality. She saw the the memories of this world, the conversations, the hugs, the tender words, the time they'd ran together holding hands on the hillside, the moment he'd prevented her from falling in the rain... it would have been beautiful if it wasn't conjured by this malicious being. At the same time, she couldn't deny it any longer. "Yes..." she admitted. "I do..."

"Why?" the Angel asked.

"Because I love him!" she exploded, unable to keep the emotion under lock and key any longer. It felt good to say it aloud but saying it to this creature made her feel sick to her stomach. "I love him and he makes me happy! I'd do anything for him!"

"And yet you can never be with him..." the Angel replied, it's horrid grin widening. "Your heart is incomplete because you know that to be true... You hate yourself because of this..."

The image of the tank of clones, her... spare parts filled her mind's eye. She grimaced and pulled her arms across her chest, digging her fingers into her shoulders. The Angel was right. How could he ever accept her when she was what she was? How could he ever truly accept her when she was a fake? How could he ever accept her when she had the face of his mother? "Stop it..." she whimpered in reply.

"You will never have the love and affection you desire," the Angel taunted. "You might as well give in. Become one with me and surrender to your pain..."

An image that had not yet occurred filled her mind. It was the sight of Shinji regarding her with disgust and horror. He turned away from her and cast his back to her. It hurt... but it hadn't happened yet. She had to hope that it would never happen. "You're wrong..." Rei whimpered in response.

"You cannot lie to yourself forever!" The Angel laughed. "You know you're a fake, a miserable creature without a soul! You cannot escape your existence! Admit it!"

Rei shook her head. "I will not..." she snarled in response.

"Your heart is ugly and flawed!" The angel taunted. "You want Shinji for yourself and without him you are nothing! You live for the sake of others and have no sense your own self! Without your drive to protect those you cherish you are nothing! They will discard you instantly once they know what you are!"

Rei covered her ears and closed her eyes. "Stop it!" she shouted, trying to block the horrible creature out. "Stop it! Stop it now!"

"Leave her alone!" a new voice pierced her ears.

Rei's eyes snapped open in surprise. Floating before her she saw the image of her younger self, the Rei within the Eva, with arms splayed as if to shield her. She found herself confused. Why was the soul of Unit 00 trying to intervene? Why did she deserve its intervention? She wanted to inquire as to why this was happening but she simply couldn't find the words.

"Why?" the Angel asked with a sneer. "Do you wish to be one with me instead?"

"I want you to leave her alone," the other Rei stated firmly. "Get out!"

"I will not..." The Angel snarled, it's grin widening.

"Then I will make you!" the younger Rei shouted.

"You will try..." The Angel responded. "And you will fail..."

The space around her began in began to swirl once again, fading to black. Before Rei could begin to comprehend what was going on, she was back in her cockpit, sitting in her seat, feeling the pain of the Angel boring deeper and deeper into her flesh and her very essence once again. She immediately tensed up as the indescribable pain surged into her like an electrical current, shutting her eyes tight. The fear began to overtake her once again. What could she do to save herself? What could she do to save herself and Unit 00? The way things were going she'd have no choice but to repeat her actions in the past and if she did she couldn't guarantee that she'd live again. Even if she did, there was no way she'd be able to keep hiding her secrets. She would risk losing everyone and everything she cared for just like the Angel had warned...

"I can't hold it back..." the voice of her younger self sounded in her head. "Too much... too strong..."

Rei shut her eyes and cried out from the pain, the fury, the sorrow, and the overwhelming fear...

Gendo stood up from his seat, his eyes fixed on the video feed shown on the bridge's central display. The sight was horrifying to behold. The Angel was boring into Unit 00's flesh and a huge towering brownish mass was growing out of the Evangelion's back like a cancerous tumor. The growth itself seemed to be morphing into forms similar to the previous Angels. Needless to say it was sickening thing to behold and he would not stand to witness it. He could only imagine what Rei was experiencing right now. He had to act. If he didn't then his ward, no... his adoptive daughter would certainly be killed... "Launch Evangelion Unit 01!" he shouted. "Do it now!"

"Yes sir!" Major Katsuragi instantaneously responded before addressing the bridge. "Eva Unit 01 prepare to launch! Hurry!"

"So once again it has come to this..." Fuyutsuki murmured quietly, sounding very apprehensive.

Gendo bowed his head. "Indeed, it has come to this once again..." he muttered in response.

"Let us hope that the committee understands this is necessary," Fuyutsuki stated quietly. "We are very much on thin ice..."

Gendo sat back down in his seat, feeling completely overwhelmed. "No matter what, our time is running out..." he growled under his breath.

"Yes..." Fuyutsuki murmured. "Yes it is..."

As the battle had unfolded, Shinji had listened to the radio chatter with ever increasing anxiety. Hearing that Asuka hadn't been able to pilot her Eva had made him bristle with worry and he'd sat in stasis ever since in a state of uncontrollable fear. However, as soon as the launch order had reached his cockpit he felt a wave of relief. He could finally do something. He could finally rise to the challenge and save the person closest to him...

"Shinji, prepare to launch!" Misato's voice reverberated in the plug.

"Right!" he responded firmly, gripping the controls as his Eva was lifted into position to launch.

He felt the latches clamp onto his arms and the sledge attached to his feet lock. Moments later the command from the bridge sounded in his ears. "Evangelion Unit 01, launch!" Misato screamed.

He felt the jolt of the catapult triggering. He felt the rush of acceleration as the sledge he was attached to rocketed him to the surface. In a matter of moments he was standing amid the city, the bolts containing his Eva decoupling and allowing him to move freely. "Spread your A.T. Field to maximum!" Misato shouted in his ear. "Buy Rei some time no matter what!"

"Yes ma'am!" he replied, doing exactly as she said as he took in the sight before him. The Angel appeared like a glowing white snake, it's head embedded in the torso of Unit 00. His eyes went wide at the sight and all he could think to do was rush forward. "Rei!" he shouted in worry and fear.

The back half of the Angel immediately locked on to him and lunged at him at a speed that seemed impossible. He had no time to react. Before he could even raise his rifle the Angel impacted it, shattering it into s million pieces. He jumped to the side but the Angel pivoted at a breakneck speed. In a matter of seconds the Angel was bearing down on him and he had no choice but to counter it with his bare hands...

He caught the serpentine creature in his hands and tried his best to push it away from him but it was no use. He could feel the thing attempting to invade him. It hurt. He could feel the monster pushing into Unit 01's form and his flesh by extension. Vein-like ridges began to form on Unit 01's hands and arms and looking down at his own hands in the cockpit he could see the same thing happening. He froze The shock and horror was nearly overwhelming.

"Shinji!" Misato shouted over the radio. "You've got to use your progressive knife!"

Her voice shook him out of it. She was right. He needed to strike back. He needed to drive this thing off of himself and off of Rei. If he didn't then they'd both die. Shinji drew his knife from his Eva's right hand pylon and stabbed down into the Angel's flesh with all his might.

Instantly, a scream filled his ears...

"It hurts, Shinji, it hurts!" the voice moaned. He watched in horror as the head of the Angel began to twist and morph in front of him, ultimately taking the form of Rei, except it wasn't Rei. The figure on the end of the serpent's body appeared like a nude version of her from the waist up but far to pale. It had her face but its eyes were hollow and black with red pupils. It was clearly an inhuman thing, a mockery of the person most precious to him, something the Angel was using to manipulate him. In a way, the tactic was working as the shock of this new transformation made him freeze once again. "Don't hurt me, Shinji!" the thing whined as it wrapped it's arms around Unit 01's face. "Join me..."

He grit his teeth as the fear began turning to anger. The fact that this... thing, this monster was imitating the girl he loved, trying to invade both of their bodies and souls, trying to merge with them, assimilate them. It set his blood afire. No. No, he wouldn't let that happen. He raised his knife and stabbed downward at the creature again and again. "Get away from me!" he shouted angrily. "Get away from Rei! Die! Just die!"

The Angel screamed in Rei's voice every time the knife connected with it but out of each and every one of the stab wounds emerged another tendril of light that immediately lunged at Unit 01, impaling it. Shinji could feel the Angel pouring into him from all angles. The pain was immeasurable and after a moment he couldn't even grip the controls in his cockpit. All he could do was scream...

In spite of her agony, Rei forced her eyes open at the sound of Shinji's screams and watched in horror as the Angel began invading Unit 01. This was going even worse than it had in the other world. If she didn't act then Shinji would be overwhelmed... but what could she do? She could barely move from the pain and Unit 00 wasn't responding to her control inputs. What could she do? There was no way she could mount a counter attack but she couldn't just sit there. What were her options? What was the proper course of action? How could she save Shinji?

"Can't... take... much... more..." the other Rei in the Eva spoke to her in her mind, sounding strained.

She forced herself to move. She drew Unit 00's knife and stabbed at the Angel, desperately trying to push it out of her Eva, trying to drive it away, trying to free herself so she could save Shinji, all to no effect. Her heart thumped in her chest. She was out of options except for...

No! No, she didn't want to do that! She'd come so far and fought so hard, to have to endure that again was not an option. She didn't even know if she'd come back from it either. If she was forced to do that it could be the end, the forever end, and she'd be denied the future she'd been fighting so desperately for... She keyed the mic in her cockpit.

"Please... call the... SDF..." she choked out in agony. "Drop... N2... bomb..." It was the best thing she could think of. With Shinji and her A.T. Fields up they'd be able to survive the blast. Perhaps it would damage the Angel sufficiently enough to allow them to escape, to regroup, to be able to find a better way to fight it...

"They won't get here in time!" Misato's voice shouted back. "Their response time is far too long at the rate things are going! You have to fight it off!"

Her eyes darted over the vein-like lines pulsing on her arms, the Angel outside attacking her Eva, the sight of Unit 01 convulsing and writhing as it was invaded. Her heart felt like it was going to explode it was beating so fast. She didn't want to do it. She wanted to do anything else but that, but she had to save Shinji. She couldn't fight. She could barely move. There was no other way.

Rei grit her teeth as hot tears began flowing down her cheeks. With a heavy sigh, she stopped fighting against the Angel and reversed her A.T. Field...

"Her A.T. Field has been reversed!" she faintly heard Lt. Ibuki cry over the thundering of the blood in her ears.

"Rei, what are you doing!?" Ritsuko screamed. "Why are you doing this!?"

She winced and closed her eyes, sobbing. "It's the only way... It's the only way..." she whimpered, over and over as her hand reached out for the self destruct lever, the only thing that would kill the Angel, the thing that would take her life... "It's the only way..."

Her hand rested on it as the Angel became fully absorbed into Unit 00 and she hesitated. If she did this then it would all come crashing down. Even if she was resurrected in the bowels of Terminal Dogma all the things she'd worked for would come undone. The web of lies she'd created would completely unravel. She didn't want to do this. She couldn't do this, and yet she had to...

"So... this is the only way..." the other Rei, the soul of Unit 00 spoke to her in her mind.

"Yes..." Rei whimpered, heavy sobs wracking her body. "It is..."

"Then let me help you..." the other Rei spoke, sounding calm, almost serene. "Let me do this for you... so you may live and I can know peace..."

Rei's eyes shot open in time to see the lever move itself and engage the mode delta drive...

She felt control over the Eva wrench itself away from her and the contamination in her own body drain away. She watched through Unit 00's eye as its arms reached up and grasped at the bulging mass coming out of its stomach, pushing it in without her doing anything. "Unit 00 has lost control!" Lt. Hyuga shouted. "It's gone berserk!"

"Impossible!" Ritsuko exclaimed in disbelief.

"Self destruct drive activated!" Lt. Ibuki cried. "Detonation in ten seconds!"

"Rei, get out of there!" Misato shouted.

"Rei!" she heard Shinji scream.

The displays in the cockpit went dark, plunging her into inky blackness not unlike the horrible void she did not wish to see again. Then, out of the darkness, appeared a faint silhouette, the image of the younger Rei Ayanami, the soul of Unit 00, regarding her with a somber expression... "Be honest with your friends," the apparition said. "Be honest with him... and take care of yourself..."

She had no time to think on those words before a sudden jolt sent her chin into her chest...

Shinji couldn't believe his eyes, having watched the serpentine form of the Angel get sucked away from him and become fully absorbed within Unit 00. He watched in abject shock and horror as Unit 00 stood tall, its mouth open and roaring before it began to glow white. After a moment the Eva's howl rose in pitch and became almost like a child's laughter. Then, the glowing white Eva's body began to change shape, becoming a feminine form that looked vaguely like Rei but that only lasted half a second...

Evangelion Unit 00 detonated with the force of an atomic bomb.

His heart felt like it had been shattered in that moment and his jaw fell open in utter disbelief. His lips began to quiver and it was instantly hard to see clearly. He simply couldn't believe this was real. How could this be happening? Why was this happening? His best friend, person he'd come to cherish the most, the girl he loved, Rei, his Rei... was dead. He'd never speak to her again. He'd never spend time with her again. He'd never hold her hand again. He'd never even gotten the chance to say how he felt about her and now he never could...

"Target... destroyed..." Lt. Aoba's hushed voice sounded over the radio.

Seconds passed in absolute deathly, deafening silence. He couldn't fathom it. He couldn't believe it. Never in his life had he felt such profound sadness before this moment. He wanted to scream. He wanted to cry... but he couldn't. He was simply numb, numb in a way he'd never felt before. It was like all the life and all the possibility of happiness had completely left him. It was like the ability to care about anything or anyone ever again had departed his soul along with her. He slumped forward in the plug and cupped his head in his hands. It would have been better if he'd died. If he died right now he wouldn't care. Nothing mattered anymore. The fate of the world didn't matter anymore...

Except they did... he had to keep fighting. If he didn't keep fighting then she would have died in vain and he wouldn't stand for that. He had to live on and carry on for her. She wouldn't forgive him if he didn't. She wouldn't forgive him if he closed his heart to the world. With that thought in mind, only then did the tears begin to fall...

"Plug ejection signal detected!" Lt. Ibuki's voice pierced through him like a bayonet.

"Send out search and rescue now!" Misato cried. "Have a medical team ready to respond!"

Shinji's eyes snapped open and his breath caught in his throat. If the plug ejection signal was detected then that could mean there was a small chance that Rei wasn't dead. He closed his eyes and said a silent prayer that she was. He had to hold onto that hope, however small it was. It was all he had left...

He made a promise to himself. If she was alive, he wouldn't wait any longer. If she was alive he was going to finally tell her how he felt...

Ritsuko slumped against the console before her, her knees shaking so badly she could barely stand, unable to focus on anything around her, completely numb. The battle had gone so similar to the way it had in Rei's memory files that it was truly uncanny. The Angel had merged with Unit 00, tried to merge with Unit 01, and then ultimately been destroyed by Unit 00's core implosion. She barely was able to pay heed to the frenetic movement throughout the bridge after Unit 00's detonation. Rei was dead and she had no idea if she could bring her back...

It stung. It hurt. It hurt so much to think that the girl she'd opened up to, that she'd grown to care for might be dead for good. If she resurrected her in the bowels of Terminal Dogma it might be her that came back. She felt pain. She hurt. It hurt so much to think that she'd become friends with her, become almost like family with her, and now she was gone. Rei had died in the same way she had in the world she'd lived in previously. She felt her eyes well up with tears. This was too much to handle...

"What are you doing!?" Misato shouted at her. "You heard the lieutenant! The ejection signal was received! Get moving and summon a rescue team!"

Those words shook her to her senses. "Wh- what?" she stammered.

"The ejection signal for Rei's plug was received before detonation!" Misato screamed in her face. "Go! Get out there and look for Rei!"

Ritsuko's heart hammered in her chest. She might be alive. She might have survived the explosion. If that was the case then she had to act. With that in mind she dashed off of the bridge, pulling her cell phone to her ear, dialing the medical response team in a haze...

"Medical team standing by, what are your orders?" a man's voice sounded in her ears.

"Get a triage unit ready on the double!" She shouted in response as she ran down the hall toward the nearest changing room. "The First Child may be alive!"

"Understood!" the man responded. "We'll be on the surface in fifteen minutes!"

"Make that ten!" she replied, hanging up the phone.

If Rei was alive then she had to keep moving. She had to keep holding on to hope. She wanted Rei to live, not just because of her use in defeating SEELE's aims but because she'd genuinely grown to care for her...

Gendo slumped down in his seat, holding his head in his hands, breathing heavily. This was almost too much to handle, too much to deal with. He'd watched one of his Evas get destroyed, the girl he acknowledged as a daughter blow herself up to save his son... and now he was hearing that she might still be alive. It was overwhelming, completely and totally overwhelming. Whether she'd managed to survive or not he understood that things had irreparably changed...

"You're trembling..." Fuyutsuki murmured softly.

Gendo closed his eyes and breathed a heavy sigh. "I am..." he admitted begrudgingly.

"Are you relieved that Rei may have survived?" Fuyutsuki asked.

Gendo breathed a heavy sigh. "I am..." he admitted.

"Will you go with the rescue team?" Fuyutsuki inquired.

Gendo bowed his head and cupped it in his palms. He had to admit that he wanted to. He wanted to go out and see his Rei should she have somehow managed to survive the explosion but he couldn't bring himself to rise from his seat. It was pointless. Even if the plug ejected the odds of her surviving were long at best... "No..." he murmured softly. "I can't..."

"Because you will not allow yourself any faith in things?" Fuyutsuki asked.

Gendo grimaced, clenching his hands together so hard that it hurt. He wanted to believe that Rei was alive... but the fear was too much. He'd seen Unit 00 destroy itself during the last moment when it had gone berserk... it was hard to have hope after such a thing. "Yes..." he murmured softly.

"A wise choice..." Fuyutsuki murmured. "But one devoid of hope..."

"Indeed..." Gendo replied.

"Haven't you learned to hope again, Ikari?" the older man asked.

Gendo shut his eyes and clasped his hands tighter in a silent prayer...

Rei awakened disoriented, in a condition of complete darkness, her surroundings completely silent. As she gathered herself her mind began running wild. Was this death? Was this the state of total annihilation and loss of consciousness? No... she could still recognize herself despite the blackness. She was still her. Death was the annihilation of the self. She must be alive, and further evidence to such was the throbbing pain throughout her back, head, and neck. From how she was situated, she was laying on her side on some kind of seat. Also her ears were ringing and she realized that she was, hot, very hot. The temperature in this place was uncomfortably high, like being too close to a heater... and then it all came back to her.

She'd been piloting Unit 00 and it had gone berserk right before she'd... tried to activate the self destruct sequence. It had ejected her and she hadn't had time to brace herself which probably explained why she felt so sore. She must still be inside the plug, that was the only logical explanation. She fumbled around the cockpit, sliding off of the seat before starting to inch her way down to the bottom of the plug. The walls of the plug were so hot it was very uncomfortable on her hands and knees. She could only hope that she could locate the hatch door and escape.

Sure enough, the door was there and it took quite a bit of effort to kick it open but as soon as she did light began flooding into the plug followed by smoke which made her gag and cough. She struggled through the opening and flopped face first into the dirt, gagging the entire time. It was hard to move with how sore her body was, she must have gotten thrashed around during the ejection and the explosion, but eventually she struggled to her feet and took sight of her surroundings.

She was on the edge of an enormous crater that was quickly filling with water spilling in from the lake the battle had taken place next to. The air was thick with smoke and dust and many of the trees around her were scantly more than smoldering husks, charred and twisted by the detonation of Unit 00. She looked back toward the center of the crater and then high into the sky to see the slowly dissipating mushroom cloud blowing on the wind. To think that if her other self, the Rei inside the Eva hadn't decided to protect her she'd be dead right now... it made her shudder. She didn't deserve such a favor, especially not from her, especially not after she'd failed to defeat the Angel just like last time...

Rei shook her head and closed her eyes. She couldn't think like that. If she started thinking like that then she'd be unable to focus on what mattered. She was alive and she needed to get away from this moonscape before she asphyxiated from the dust and smoke and heat. She trudged away from the plug, having no real idea of what direction to go except for away from the epicenter of the blast. Sooner or later the medical and recovery teams would find her... and once they did she'd have to face everyone.

Her lips curved down into a deep frown, thinking of the last words that the Rei in the Eva had spared her before going berserk and sacrificing herself for her. Be honest with your friends, be honest with him, the other Rei had asked of her. Doing such a thing terrified her, but it would be better than if they found out through other means and through the manner of perverted science. They'd almost found out in such a way if the other Rei hadn't intervened...

She would do it, but maybe it could wait, if only a little longer...

She didn't know how long it took before NERV personnel found her but it felt like she was walking through the woods for hours until that time, long enough that she'd escaped the heat and smoke at least. The first indicator that she was nearing a search party was the sound of a VTOL's engines whining. Soon enough, said VTOL was hovering some fifty meters above her head. It lingered there for a little while before turning and heading away. Rei rested against a tree and sat down, only then realizing how sore her feet were. Plug suits were not meant to walk over rough terrain after all.

She waited a little while longer before she heard voices in the distance. Rei tried to stand up but her back was simply too sore to stand up. The adrenaline had long worn off and she was thoroughly exhausted. She closed her eyes. She could finally rest easy, at least for a moment...

"Rei!" she heard a voice shout her name.

She forced herself to open her eyes and take a look around in spite of how hard that was to do. She could see people in orange hazmat suits walking toward her, one of them running to her. The person dashed to them and fell to their knees beside her, grabbing her shoulders in their hands which made her wince. "Are you alright?" they asked.

Rei knew that voice. "R- Ritsuko?" she murmured softly.

The figure before her reached up and threw off her hood and mask, revealing the faux blonde and the fearful look of concern she wore. "Are you alright?" she asked, her voice coming out shaky and hushed.

Rei nodded slowly. "I think so..." she murmured, trying to stand and causing herself to wince even more. "But I am very sore..."

Ritsuko smiled. "I don't know how you made it out of there alive and I don't care..." she responded warmly. "I'm just happy you're alive..."

Rei frowned. There was no way she could explain such things around so many strangers, people who might spread rumors... "I'll tell you about it later..." she murmured.

Ritsuko leaned forward and hugged her gently and Rei returned the gesture. "I'm so happy you're okay..." she spoke again, breathing a heavy sigh.

"Dr. Akagi, the risk of contamination..." one of the men cautioned.

Ritsuko turned her head. "I don't care!" she barked, releasing her from the embrace. "Get a stretcher over here on the double!"

"Roger!" one of the men responded, dashing away through the trees.

It was all a blur from there. Soon enough Rei found herself on a stretcher, staring up at the bright blue sky, the voices around her starting to fade and her vision starting to blur. She was safe now and she could rest. She'd closed her eyes and was overcome with sleep...

Gendo remained on the bridge, paying no attention to Major Katsuragi barking at the crew, paying no attention to anything except his own worries. It had been over an hour since his son had been recovered and started being processed in the medical wing, over an hour since Dr. Akagi had departed to search for Rei. The only thing he could focus on was the phone at his station, waiting for it to ring and bring him news of his ward.

He hoped that she was alive, that she'd managed to somehow survive her ordeal. He didn't want to have to bring her back like... like he had before. Then again, if he did bring her back, what would she think of him for that? What would Shinji think of him for that if he knew? He knew how close Rei and his son had become. He was glad for their friendship, at least now that he'd abandoned his aims. He'd damaged them enough by keeping them both so isolated and he knew it. If they could find connection with each other as friends it was a good thing. Hell, if they found connection as more than that he'd begrudgingly allow it... as distasteful as it was. The things he'd planned and abandoned, some of the things he'd done, were far more depraved...

No. He wouldn't stain himself by stooping any lower. He wouldn't attempt to play God or mad scientist any longer. Neither of his children deserved that. No one deserved that... but could he go on doing the right thing if he lost yet another person he'd allowed himself to care for? He hoped he wouldn't have to answer that question.

And then the phone rang...

He snatched it up, perhaps faster than he'd intended to. Then again, with the anxiety he was experiencing he couldn't well help it. "Commander Ikari speaking," he snapped into the receiver.

"Commander, we've recovered Rei," Dr. Akagi's voice entered his ear.

His breath caught in his throat. "Is she injured?" he asked, his voice coming out far more hushed than he intended it to.

"I haven't had time to evaluate her yet, but she certainly suffered minor spinal compression from the ejection," Dr. Akagi replied. "Other than that, only a few bruises and scrapes as far as I can tell."

He breathed a heavy sigh of relief. He wouldn't be forced to that crossroads, not today... "Very well," he returned softly. "See to it that she's taken care of..."

There was a short pause. "I will, sir..." Dr. Akagi responded warmly before hanging up.

Gendo slumped down in his seat and ran a gloved hand through his hair, finally able to take in the enormity of the situation. Yes, he was very happy that Rei had survived but he'd just lost Unit 00. In addition, he'd been forced to deploy Unit 01 once again, against the old men's orders. Certainly he would hear from them very soon after this and he'd be lucky if he could talk his way out of it this time. With only two Evas left to fight against SEELE should it come to that it put him in a very dicey situation, especially when the Second Child was essentially useless in that endeavor at present.

He just hoped that his gambit with Kaji would hit paydirt... if it didn't, then he'd be very short on options...

"I take it that Rei survived," Fuyutsuki stated quietly.

"Yes..." Gendo muttered in response.

"You should visit her when Dr. Akagi is finished with her," the older man stated a bit more firmly. "And your son, to show you care..."

Gendo scowled. "There are more pressing things we must attend to, sensei..." he growled under his breath.

"More important than family?" the older man countered. "Isn't that what you're fighting for now?"

Gendo's scowl deepened. He was right. Planning and scheming could wait, at least an hour or two. Perhaps seeing Rei and Shinji would help clear his head and calm him down a bit. Scheming in the heat of passion never did any good. It had taken him years to learn that lesson and he didn't want to have to learn it again...

Gendo rose from his seat and strode off the bridge without another word...

Shinji paced back and forth in the hospital room he was currently cooped up in, his anxiety at an all time high. The instant that he'd disembarked the entry plug of Unit 01, men in hazmat suits had grabbed him, strapped him to a stretcher, and moved him to this room for observation for mental and biological contamination from his contact with the Eva. The tests regarding such things, administered by a number of varying staff, were long over and yet he was still here, awaiting discharge. It couldn't come soon enough. Ever since he'd heard that Rei was alive that was all he could think about; visiting her, making sure she was okay, and telling her what up until now he'd been too afraid to. He just hoped she was okay and that whatever injuries she had were minor. The fact she'd survived an explosion like that at all was nothing short of a miracle...

The door to the hospital room creaked open. Immediately Shinji ceased his pacing and pivoted toward it. In stepped a medical assistant wearing a surgical mask holding a clipboard. "Pilot Ikari, you've been deemed free of mental and physical contamination," the man stated dispassionately. "You've been released.

Shinji breathed a heavy sigh of relief. Finally... finally he could go see Rei, wherever she was. "Thank you," he replied.

The man continued down the hall and after taking a moment to breathe and compose himself Shinji headed for the door. He didn't even care that he was wearing a set of patient scrubs and slippers, it wasn't important. The most important thing right now was making sure that his best friend, the girl he'd fallen for, was safe and well...

He started roaming the hallways of the medical ward without any real idea of where to go. No one had told him where Rei's room was or even if she was residing in the same wing as he was. Heck, she could be in one of the emergency trauma units for all he knew. In all honesty, she probably was considering the intensity of the explosion. The thought made him shudder. He hoped that she wasn't seriously hurt. Well... he supposed he'd find out sooner or later.

He kept wandering until he started hearing heavy footfalls coming down an adjacent hallway. He turned his head once he reached the juncture and stopped dead in his tracks.

His father was striding down the hall toward him...

His father also halted his walk with half a dozen meters between the two of them. Shinji wasn't sure what to say but it didn't matter. His father spoke first. "I see you've been declared fit," he said evenly. "That's good."

Shinji studied the man's features, noting the small furrowing of his brow and the tension on his lips. Was it concern? It certainly looked like it, but it was so hard to tell with how stoic his father could be at times. He nodded in response, offering a small, forced smile. Their relationship was certainly better than it had ever been but his father still made him nervous at times. Still, he was grateful for the concern, if that was what he was trying to show him. "Thank you," he replied.

His seemed to study him for a moment. "You seem lost," he stated after a short pause.

Shinji looked down. Was it that obvious? "I am..." he returned quietly. "I was hoping to check on Rei before heading home..."

His father's lip twitched but otherwise he showed no emotion. "I see..." he replied after another short pause, stepping toward him and then past him. "I'll accompany you. Follow me."

That was right, his father was Rei's nominal caretaker, so of course he knew where she was. Being reminded of that fact for some reason made him feel a bit uneasy, perhaps even a little jealous. How come he didn't come visit him? Then again, Rei was certainly far worse off than him and it was good that his father wanted to come with him to see her. Months ago he could never have pictured even that... "Do you know if she's alright?" Shinji asked, falling in step beside the older man.

"From what I understand she took quite a bit of mental strain," his father replied quietly. "She also suffered minor injuries from the ejection and explosion, but otherwise is not worse for wear..."

Shinji breathed a heavy sigh of relief. "That's good..." he murmured softly.

"Indeed..." his father stated quietly.

Silence fell between the two of them, awkward and deafening. It was his father who eventually broke it, much to Shinji's surprise. "Your concern for Rei is admirable," he stated quietly. "I'm... happy that the two of you are friends..."

Shinji couldn't help but smile. "Yeah..." he replied. "Me too..."

The hours after being rescued had been a blur of tests, blood work, and assessments that Rei was very glad were finally over with. She'd been informed that she was free of contamination by the medical staff but she'd still have to stay in the medical ward for another five to seven days to be monitored on account of the compression her neck and spine sustained in the ejection and to see if there was any biological contamination the first scans may have missed. As displeasing as that was it was still far better than the alternative. She counted herself lucky to be alive, that she hadn't died in the explosion like before. As she lay in bed within her room that was all she could think about...

Her other self, the Rei within the Eva, had sacrificed herself to save her. The very notion was something she would have dismissed if she hadn't just lived through it. The weight of it began to settle in. A life, even though it was one already forfeit, had been exchanged for hers. That not withstanding, she'd been gifted another miracle, not unlike what Yui-sama had given her, one she probably didn't deserve. No... she definitely didn't deserve it. She'd accomplished in changing next to nothing of significance up until this point and done nothing but hide the parts of the truth that she felt uncomfortable with from the people closest to her. She didn't deserve to be alive right now... and yet she was. She was grateful for it, deeply and truly, but she didn't deserve it. It filled her with such a sense of guilt. She couldn't explain it, let alone come to terms with such feelings...

The anxiety began to creep into her mind as the greater scale of the fallout of the battle began to set in for her. Unit 00 was gone, just like before. There were only two Evas left, just like before. There was only one capable pilot left, just like before, and all of it was her fault... because she couldn't change a thing. What was she supposed to do now? If things kept going as they did then Shinji would be left alone as the only person able to fight back against SEELE when they used the JSSDF to invade NERV. Perhaps Asuka would be able to get it together and help too, just like before, but she would have to sit back and watch. With only two Evas at maximum to fight against the Mass Production Series they'd still be overwhelmed. With three they might stand a better chance.

But they didn't have three... and it was all her fault.

Her eyes began to sting and she slammed them shut, gritting her teeth to retain control of herself. No. No, no, no, she had to hold on to hope! Things could still work out! There had to be something that she could do or say to get things going the way they needed to... but she just couldn't think of it. She reached up and covered her eyes with her hand, breathing deep to steady her emotions. She had to have hope. The hope that things could still work out, that she could stop this madness and be happy with Shinji and her friends, she had to hold onto it. It was all she could do to keep herself from drowning in the sea of guilt, fear, and sorrow that stretched out before her...

The door to the hospital room opened suddenly and Rei turned to face her visitor, doing her best to push the horrible things she'd been contemplating out of her mind. Upon seeing who it was she felt a little bit of relief...

"Hey, Rei..." Ritsuko said, standing in the doorway. "How are you feeling?"

Rei winced as she forced herself to sit upright in bed. "Sore..." she replied after catching her breath. "Very sore..."

Ritsuko moved inside the room and shut the door behind her. She stepped over to the bed and sat down in the chair beside it, reaching out a hand and cupping hers. "You shouldn't be sitting up," the faux blonde stated with a look of concern. "You need to rest your back..."

Rei looked down at her knees. Her friend was right, she was jeopardizing her recovery by sitting up, but she felt so powerless just... laying there and taking whatever came at her. At the same time though, feeling the concern radiating off of the woman beside her pushed her close to the edge... "Sorry..." Rei murmured softly, her eyes starting to sting again.

Ritsuko squeezed her hand. "It's alright," she spoke softly. "If you feel up to it, it's okay, just don't strain yourself, okay?"

Rei nodded, her vision getting a little cloudy, still unable to look at Ritsuko fully. "Yes, Ritsuko-san..." she murmured in reply.

Silence fell between the two of them for a moment before the faux blonde scientist spoke again. "Did you?" she spoke just above a whisper, sounding nervous and a little pained, somber even. "Before Unit 00 went berserk... did you... choose to..."

Rei didn't need her to finish that statement. She looked her friend in the eye in spite of the tears that threatened to overflow. "I didn't," she stated firmly before looking down at the hand of hers that Ritsuko was still grasping tightly. "I... thought about it... but I couldn't do it..." she continued just above a whisper.

Ritsuko gave her hand a squeeze. "What happened then?" she pressed, still sounding a bit nervous but also curious. "I just want to understand, that's all..."

Rei closed her eyes and breathed deeply, steadying herself and holding back the tears. She had to calm down and be rational right now, if only for Ritsuko's sake. "The... Angel tried to invade my body and mind..." she explained, opening her eyes and regarding her confidant once more. "It pried into my heart, made me confront things just like the last one did. Then, after a while, the soul within Unit 00 awakened and came to my aid..."

Ritsuko's eyes widened and her eyebrows arched. "The soul within Unit 00?" she asked, puzzled.

Rei nodded and looked away. "The Rei Ayanami within the Eva, the first Rei Ayanami... the one your mother killed..." she stated quietly, feeling ashamed to be bringing that awful history up even if it was relevant to the conversation.

Ritsuko flinched at those words and glanced away. "Oh..." she murmured quietly.

Rei bit the inside of her lip. "I'm... still trying to process it..." Rei continued slowly. "I... I didn't deserve such compassion... I don't deserve such compassion..."

"Rei, look at me," Ritsuko snapped, her voice sounding harsh.

Rei flinched at the words, at how authoritative they were. Ritsuko very seldom used that tone with her anymore but it still reminded her of the time before they were friends... "Yes?" she replied, timidly making eye contact with the faux blonde.

Ritsuko stared back at her with a firm but compassionate expression. "You don't need to feel regret, Rei," she replied a little softer than before but still stern. "Just be happy that you're alive. I am, and I'm sure that everyone else is too."

Rei felt the corners of her lips lifting up. It certainly was a pleasant thought made even more pleasant to know it was true. She was happy that there were people she'd grown to care for that cared for her in return. Even so, the guilt remained... "I am..." she returned. "It's just... sad it had to happen this way... again..."

Ritsuko nodded. "I agree," she replied. "It is, and it puts us in a rough spot as well."

Rei nodded, not needing to be reminded of just how at risk their position was in the grand game that was being played around them...

It was then that the sound of the room's door opening filled her ears and Rei's focus turned toward it as the thing swung open. Upon realized who was entering her lips parted in surprise. In the doorway stood Shinji and Commander Ikari. "May we come in?" the elder Ikari spoke gruffly.

Rei felt Ritsuko let go of her hand as she stood up from her seat. "You may," her friend and confidant stated evenly.

Commander Ikari stepped inside first but Shinji moved in closely at his side. Rei found the sight puzzling and yet heartwarming. Seeing Shinji and his father side by side, not at odds, was soothing. It showed just how far they'd come, both of them. Seeing those two, the man who'd created her and the boy she loved standing together was a wonderful sight... "Rei, you seem well in spite of the events of today," Commander Ikari stated, a soft smile worming its way onto his lips.

Rei nodded. "I will be in time, sir," she replied. At least she could hope for that.

Commander Ikari's expression returned to the usual blank, stoic stare he usually wore. "I'm glad. Rest. I have much to do. Take care," he returned before turning on his heel and exiting the room.

Everyone present turned and watched him leave, Shinji's gaze lingering on the doorway as the elder Ikari's footsteps faded for longer than anyone. Rei watched as the boy who more than anything to her slowly turned to face her, shifting on his feet awkwardly, his eyes darting everywhere except meeting her own. "I'm ah... I- I'm glad you're alright, Rei..." he stammered quietly.

Rei caught Ritsuko turning her head toward her, an enigmatic smile emerging on the faux blonde's features. "I'll let you two have a moment..." she stated, her voice sounding almost teasing.

Rei tensed at the statement and when she turned to regard Shinji his cheeks were a little pinker than they'd been a moment ago. She watched as Ritsuko strode to the door and exited, shutting the door behind her...

As soon as the door closed Shinji rushed forward and sat down on her bedside, wrapping his arms around her in an embrace. Rei winced and let out a little yelp as he tightened his grip on her. "My back..." she uttered quietly. "The ejection..."

He loosened his grip but didn't let go. His hug became gentle, tender... the contact made her heart pound in her chest and heat to rise in her cheeks. "I'm sorry," he said quietly, nuzzling his chin into her shoulder. "Just don't ever do something like that again... You scared me, you know that?"

She smiled, allowing herself to radiate in the warmth that she felt radiating off of him. This... moments like this, this compassion he had, this tenderness, this was why she fell in love with him to begin with. "I'm sorry..." she replied, wrapping her arms around him gently.

He pulled away just a little and rested his forehead against hers. She could feel his breath against her lips. It made her feel so light, like nothing in the world mattered except the two of them in that moment right then... "It's okay," he murmured, pulling away and looking at her with a gentle smile. "I'm just so very happy you're alive..."

Rei regarded him, her smile widening. "I'm happy too..." she replied.

Shinji's smile fell away and he closed his eyes, taking on a conflicted expression that made her curious. After a moment he took a deep breath and let it out. "Rei... I have to tell you something..." he murmured softly, his hands moving up to rest on her shoulders.

Instantly the warmth she felt in her chest was stabbed with an icicle made of fear. Was he about to tell her what she suspected he was about tell her? No... not that, anything but that. If he was trying to tell her what she was trying to tell her she couldn't let him. They couldn't cross that barrier as much as she wanted to... and yet she wanted to know what he was going to say. "Wh- what is it?" she inquired timidly.

He closed his eyes and took another deep breath before letting it out, his face turning red. He reached up and scratched the back of his head, his eyes darting around the room. "Rei I..." he choked. "I- uh... I... I need to tell you, ah... th- that I... ah... that I..."

"What?" she asked, desperately wanting to know, even though she knew already.

He looked down avoiding her gaze. "I don't know how to say it..." he murmured under his breath.

Rei swallowed the lump that was forming in her throat. "Try..." she croaked in response.

He closed his eyes and took another deep breath, letting it out shakily. "Maybe this will say it..." he replied, his voice coming out resolute, his eyes remaining closed. With that he placed his hands on her shoulders and leaned his head toward hers ever so slowly...

Rei froze. Was he about to... kiss her? This was a moment that she'd dreamed of, that she'd fantasized about, that she wanted to become reality so badly... and yet it was... wrong. The Rei inside Unit 00 was right... she had to be honest with him. If things were to ever be more than they were right now, she had to be honest with him. As much as she wanted this, to kiss him, to hold him, to be with him forever, no relationship, no real relationship could be built upon lies... With that in mind, she put her hands against his chest and held him back, turning her head away. "Stop..." she said in a choked whisper.

He pulled away from her and looked at her with a pained expression. "I'm sorry..." he murmured. "Is something wrong?"

Rei shook her head. "No, there's nothing wrong..." she replied honestly, bowing her head, speaking slowly. It felt good to finally be honest, even if it was only a little bit for now... "I want... this... but... I need to show you something first..."

He looked at her with a perplexed expression. "Then... what's the problem?" he asked timidly.

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. This was it. She was committing to this, to heeding what her other self within the Eva had asked her to do... "No," she replied, shaking her head and forcing a smile. "I just need to tell you something first..."

His brow furrowed and his lips curved down into a frown. "What do you need to tell me?" he asked. "Did... did I do something wrong?"

Rei looked down at her knees with a frown. There was no going back from it now, she'd already said enough to ensure that... but how could she explain? Mere words would not be enough. She had to show him. She had to show him everything and hope beyond hope that he wouldn't judge her or push her away for it. It was time to come clean with him. No more lies... She shook her head and offered him a melancholy smile. "No. Never," she replied warmly, reaching out and squeezing his hand. "I think it's better if I show you..."

His look of concern remained. "What do you mean?" he asked, his confusion growing. "What's going on?"

Rei looked him in the eyes. "When I'm released from this place I'll explain, okay?" she said, trying her best to keep smiling as hard as it was.

He still looked confused, a little hurt even, but he nodded his head. "Okay..." he replied.

Rei couldn't resist leaning forward and embracing him. In spite of everything, in spite of what she was soon to do, she still desired his warmth... "Thank you..." she murmured into his shoulder. "Thank you for being there for me all this time..."

"Always..." he returned, his arms encircling her. "I always will be, Rei..."

Rei buried her face in the crook of his neck and breathed him in, relishing the contact as tears welled up in her eyes once again that she suppressed for his sake. She hoped that he meant it, that he would keep true to those words even after she'd told him and shown him everything...

Eventually he pulled away and Rei bid him farewell. After he left she laid back down in bed, alone in that sterile, silent white room. Only then did the true gravity of what she was about to do set in for her. She stared up at the ceiling, unable to rest, unable to sleep, unable to cry, unable to think about anything else but the enormity of what she was going to do and stew in that horrid anxiety. After that moment, once he finally knew the truth, nothing would ever be the same...

Author's notes

Well... I must admit that this one took a lot out of me. As much as I enjoy writing the emotional rollercoaster that this story is, it can sometimes take a bit of a toll on me, especially considering the rough patch in my personal life that I've been through as of late. I do apologize for the lateness in getting this out.

On the topic of the chapter itself, I've been looking forward to this part of the story for a long, long time. Things are about to come to a head and the point of no return has been reached. The clock is ticking down and its make or break for our heroes. The battle with Armisael was a true thrill to put on the page and I hope the reveal and heroic sacrifice of Rei I did not come totally by surprise. Also, I hope that this chapter solidifies the theme I've been trying to get at since the very beginning in that the future and fate are not easily altered...

Unfortunatly no appearance by Kaji, Fujita, or Shikishima in this chapter. Most likely the next will have a great deal to do with them and their sceming as time continues to run short. Rei has a week in the ward before she can show Shinji the truth of things and a lot of things could happen in that time...

Please read and review! I can't say it enough, but thank you all so much for your support!

Regards,

A.F.