Chapter 49 – Intransigence
Asuka left NERV headquarters in a haze, proceeding to wander the streets of Tokyo 3, or the ruins of them at least, without aim. She'd been unable to help her friends in their battle. She couldn't even sync with Unit 02 when they'd needed her most. She'd been unable to do literally anything and that was tearing her up inside. She hated feeling so useless and worthless. Everything that had made her what she was and who she was had been stripped away from her... there was no doubt in her mind that after that last battle, with Rei nearly being killed and Unit 00 annihilated, she'd be replaced as a pilot. There was no humiliation greater than that...
She stopped walking and bowed her head, digging her fingers into her scalp and grimacing, trying to shut it all out but that was impossible. The pain and the humiliation was too much to deal with. She let out a scream of frustration through gritted teeth, not caring who might hear her. It was better than letting the tears that stung her eyes slip out. Anything was better than that. She wasn't a child anymore and only children were allowed to cry...
"Fuck this..." she hissed to herself. "Fuck this, fuck NERV, fuck the Evas, fuck everything!"
She stood there on the desolate street littered with rubble and ruin with nothing but the wind to hear her as dusk drew toward night, her body shaking, her eyes stinging with tears. Eventually the dam could not hold and she began to weep. She fell to her knees in the middle of the destroyed street and sobbed, the fact she was crying causing a feedback loop leading to more tears. She'd promised to never cry, told herself that big girls didn't do such things, and she was breaking that promise now. She hated it. She hated feeling this way. She hated feeling so out of control and powerless and miserable... but there was nothing she could do to change that.
"How pathetic..." she murmured to herself. "How disgusting..." At least she was alone and no one could see her in a state like this. That would be the worst...
"Soryu-san, are you alright?" a familiar voice called to her.
She grit her teeth and stood to her feet, balling her fists at her side, her back to him. Of course Kaworu would be the one to find her at a moment like this. He was always there whenever she was at her lowest whether she liked it or not... "I'm fine..." she huffed, forcing the tears to stop and stuffing her emotions back into a bottle as best she could. "Leave me alone..."
There was a pause. Silence fell but for the wind. "I know that isn't true..." he whispered softly. "I saw you crying..."
That did it. She wasn't going to stand for this. She'd been humiliated enough today. Asuka whirled around and faced him with a snarl. "You're right, I'm not okay!" she screamed. "Just go Away! Leave me alone! I wanna be alone!"
He looked at her with a somber expression. "No..." he replied softly. "I... I won't go."
Asuka's vision started getting cloudy again and her heart was beating fast. Why wouldn't he do as she told him to? Why was he staring at her with that detestable look of pity and concern? Why did he have to be so damned genuine!? She hated it. She loved it. It made her feel things she didn't want to feel but enjoyed at the same time. It made her feel so horribly conflicted. "Wh- why not?" she stammered, sounding far weaker than she wanted to.
His frown deepened. "Because I don't like to see you upset..." he murmured, casting his eyes down to the cracked pavement. "Because you're my friend..."
Hearing that was too much. She turned away from him and fought with all her might to keep from crying again. It was so... touching hearing him say things like that. No matter how many times she tried to push him away he'd never go. She didn't deserve someone like him in her life... "Well... I can't help but be upset..." she muttered, wiping her eyes as the tears escaped again. "When I was needed most I couldn't even get Unit 02 to move.."
"So that's why I didn't see you fighting this time..." Kaworu responded quietly. "I'm sorry, Soryu-san."
She flinched at those words and wiped her eyes free of tears. She wanted to tell him to shove it, that she didn't accept pity from anyone, but she was too drained to do it. What made it even worse was the churning in her stomach that his words elicited, her own concern for him. "How come you didn't go to a shelter?" she asked, regarding him over her shoulder. "You could get stepped on or worse. Hell, don't you realize how dangerous it is when an Angel attacks by now?"
Kaworu seemed to flinch, looking back at her with surprise before glancing away with an awkward smile. "I suppose I wanted to observe the combat," he returned. "The risk did not cross my mind..."
Asuka turned around and faced him with a glare. She wanted to bark at him, tell him how stupid he was for doing such a thing but she couldn't. "Well, if you saw it then now you know why I wasn't there..." she replied, turning her eyes to the pavement. "I'm so... I'm so disgusted with myself. I don't think I could take if Rei had died..."
"Oh..." Kaworu spoke, again sounding a bit surprised. "I'm happy to hear that she survived. I saw Unit 00's detonation and presumed the worst."
Asuka kept her eyes glued to the cracked pavement beneath her feet. "I am too..." she muttered. "I think she was injured but I didn't stick around to see her afterward..."
"Why is that?" Kaworu asked. "The two of you are friends, are you not?"
Asuka's frown deepened and once again that horrible stinging behind her eyes was back. He always had a way of getting her to talk about her feelings when she'd prefer to not to. She liked that and hated that all at once. "We don't talk much anymore... and I was too ashamed," she returned just above a whisper. "I'm just a... failure. Without Eva I'm nothing..."
He stepped closer to her until he was standing close enough she could touch him. Even though she was staring at the ground she could feel his eyes on her, boring into her deeply. "I've said it before, that isn't true," he stated, his voice firm, almost angered, compared to his usual airy demeanor. "You're more than your status as a pilot. It doesn't have to be your identity..."
She shook her head and shut her eyes. "I don't know what that more is..." Asuka whimpered in response. "I can't picture myself being anything else..."
She felt a hand on her shoulder and she looked up to meet his gaze, a serious and somber expression on his face. "Just be you," he stated simply. "That's all. Not the Eva pilot or the academic genius, you..."
Something about the way he said that, the hand on her shoulder, or the expression he wore made her heart beat faster and heat to rise in her cheeks. She liked and disliked that feeling in equal measure. She wanted to tell him to fuck off, to leave her alone, to never say things like that to her, but she couldn't manage the venom. "Wh- whatever, dummy..." she stammered, turning her head away from him yet again. "L- let go..."
He did as asked and another awkward silence fell between the two of them. "I suppose I'll be heading back to my apartment," replied quietly after what was probably a few seconds but felt like far longer. "Will you be staying the night again?"
Asuka bit the inside of her cheek, the heat there not abating. She nodded her head, saying nothing. As weird and awkward a situation it was, her staying with him, it was still better than having to face Misato and Shinji again. He started walking and she fell in beside him, not saying a word, silently walking in step with him with her eyes cast low. She'd wanted to be alone but now she didn't want to part from him. She hated this feeling and yet it made her feel so warm...
"I thought you wanted to be alone," Kaworu stated quietly. "And yet you are following me..."
Asuka frowned. "Shut up..." she muttered. "I changed my mind..."
There was another long pause before he spoke. "I'm... glad..." he replied just above a whipser.
Asuka couldn't help but smile at those words...
Evening had given way to night it found Gendo sitting in his office, his forehead in his palm, staring down at the surface of his desk, lost in contemplation. The events of the day earlier were a colossal setback, one that he was unsure he'd be able to overcome. If he were still pursuing his old, selfish scenario it would have been naught more than a temporary inconvenience, but considering his present goals, the loss of Unit 00 was of great concern. He was down an Eva and the pilot of another was presently combat ineffective. Should push come to shove and he be forced to fight openly against the old men, Shinji and Unit 01 would be facing long odds even with its S2 core integrated...
"Now that the dust is settled, we have much to take into account..." Fuyutsuki stated nervously from where he stood beside him. "We are in a very precarious situation..."
"Indeed we are..." Gendo muttered in response.
Fuyutsuki breathed a heavy sigh. "I've already submitted Katsuragi's after action report, but I doubt that the committee wait long before pulling you into another meeting," he stated.
Gendo grimaced. The fact that he'd deployed Unit 01 twice without clearance to do so in such a short period of time would certainly upset them. In addition to that, he fully expected them to push for the retirement of the Second Child. This, again, would be a minor inconvenience had he still been pursuing his old goals, but it was a major problem with his present ones. There was little doubt in his mind that the old men would select that pilot themselves. All things considered, he wouldn't be surprised if it would end up being their own version of someone like Rei... "Indeed..." he muttered in reply.
There was a pause before the older man spoke again. "Do you have a plan?" Fuyutsuki inquired.
Gendo turned his head to face him and scowled. "I'm contemplating one, sensei," he snapped. "What does it look like I'm doing?"
Fuyutsuki frowned. "In any other circumstance I'd have a witty comment about you being out of gambits to play," he returned somberly. "But this situation is too serious for that."
"Yes," Gendo growled. "It is..."
"Any ideas?" Fuyutsuki pressed.
Gendo looked away and crossed his hands in front of his face in the manner he so often did, weighing his options carefully before replying. "I suppose the only thing I can do is try to buy us time," he replied. "Perhaps we can lobby for giving the pilot of Unit 02 a chance to recover her sync ratio. Perhaps once Rei has recovered fully we can attempt to calibrate Unit 02 for her usage as well."
"If anyone can manage that, it's you and your silver tongue," Fuyutsuki replied.
Gendo scoffed. "That and a bit of luck," he retorted. "Something we've been running short of as of late..."
It was night time and Kaworu lay awake on the floor beside the bed that Asuka was occupying, his head swimming with thoughts...
He'd watched the battle earlier in the day unfold from a distance, feeling as conflicted as he had when he'd observed the prior one if not more so. It was so strange, watching an event that he'd once taken part in from far away, just an observer instead of a participant. He supposed he was glad for that. It would have been painful to fight his own kind again even if it was ultimately for the better. He'd watched Unit 00 succumb to his kin's assault in nearly the same way at it had before and feared the worst. Even if Ayanami held feelings for distrust and distaste for him they were not reciprocated by him, so when Asuka told him she was alright when he'd encountered her on the street he was quite relieved.
Speaking of Asuka, he'd been struck by the state he'd observed her in before coming over to speak with her. Seeing her weeping so openly with such raw emotion had hurt. It pained him deeply to see her like that and yet even now words failed him as to how he could genuinely help her. She'd first pushed him away and then when he'd turned to leave she'd followed him back to his apartment. Then, once there, she'd insisted that he try to play those television games she enjoyed with her for a number of hours, barely saying a word throughout. When she'd tired of that, she gotten up and gone to the bed without a word, her back to him. It was such confusing behavior but he didn't mind it. He just wanted her to feel better. It pained him to see her depressed and upset... because he cared about her.
He deeply cared about her...
"Hey..." she suddenly called out to him, shaking him from his thoughts and back to reality. "Are you awake?"
"I am..." he replied quietly.
Silence hung in the air for a number of seconds before the redhead continued. "Why are you so kind to me?" she asked, her voice choked and timid.
His frown deepened and he felt a... strange sensation in his chest. "Because I care about you..." he returned gently.
"I don't deserve it..." she murmured in response.
"Yes you do..." he countered. He hated hearing her speak about herself like this...
She didn't respond to that, only curling up tighter in the fetal position on the bed. Seconds passed, then minutes, and Kaworu was almost certain that she'd fallen asleep when she spoke again. "Can you... come up here?" she asked, her voice a small, timid whisper.
Kaworu's eyes went wide and his heart nearly stopped. "What?" he whispered in surprise. What was she asking him? Why did she want him up there in the bed with her? Why did it make him feel so strange? Why did it make him feel so warm and fearful all at once? Why did it make him feel sick to his stomach and yet contented? He didn't understand these feelings at all... but they were so very strong, stronger than any he'd ever felt for anyone, even Shinji...
"Just... come here..." she murmured, her voice sounding choked and frail.
He didn't want to... push things. He didn't want for things to... escalate, and if she attempted to he would resist. Still... he wanted to make her happy. Slowly, nervously, he got up from the floor and slid into bed beside her, laying on his back and staring up toward the ceiling. "I'm here..." he stated quietly, his heart pounding in his chest.
She reached behind her back and grabbed his hand, pulling it over her. She was surprisingly strong... He rolled on to his side and found himself nestled up against her, her back pressed tightly against his chest, his nose buried in her hair. His body tensed up. She smelled pleasant... why was that thought filling his mind. Had he ever paid this much attention to how Shinji had smelled? "Why?" he asked nervously. "Why are we... like this right now?"
"Just... stay with me... like this... just for tonight, okay?" she murmured quietly.
He said nothing in response and closed his eyes, allowing himself to relax. If this was all she wanted then he would oblige. It wasn't like she was asking him for anything truly intimate...
But what if she was? What if she did one day? How would he react if she did? Could he reciprocate? He was one of Adam's children and she was a human being... it should be impossible, and yet he'd wanted that with Shinji once. Did he want that with her?
Perhaps he did... but it would be pointless to even try. One day SEELE would call on him to fulfill his destiny, rendering all of it pointless.
He grimaced, feeling a strange pressure building behind his eyes. Tears were welling up, like they had when he'd felt Ayanami's emotions, except this time they were his own. Soon enough, his delicate and complicated relationship with Asuka would probably end in tears...
Even so... he would would relish every moment he could have with Asuka until that day as best he could...
Asuka awoke in the bed of Kaworu's studio apartment on her side, staring at the wall in front of her. Immediately her heart started beating fast as she remembered the events of the previous day, the evening that followed, and the night thereafter. She turned over and found that Kaworu wasn't there. She sat up and looked around for him but he wasn't there. Upon checking the alarm clock on the nightstand it was clear that he'd already left for school considering the time. She breathed a heavy sigh of relief. His departure meant that she didn't have to confront that aspect of the previous day immediately, before she'd had a chance to fully awaken.
The battle of the previous day still weighed heavy on her mind. The fact that she'd failed yet again and knowing that she was probably going to be replaced still tore her up but what she'd done in the aftermath of her breakdown was at the forefront of her mind. She couldn't believe what she'd allowed herself to do in her moment of weakness. To think that she'd shown Kaworu such a side of herself made her sick to her stomach. To think that she'd allowed herself to call to him, to reach for him, to stoop to asking him to hold her... it made her feel disgusted with herself...
And yet it didn't at the same time...
It had been... pleasant having him next to her, feeling his warmth, his breath on the back of her neck. It had made her... feel things, things that she felt ashamed of herself for feeling. She'd wondered what it would have felt like for him to kiss her, to touch her, to... have his way with her. Even now as she lay there the prospect made her face feel hot and her heart beat fast.
For that, she was glad he'd already left...
She placed her head in her hands and shuddered. Why? Why did he make her feel these things? Why did he make her heart beat faster, her body feel warm, and make her act so irrationally? She hated it. She hated how a stupid boy could have such annoyingly strong control over her feelings. It was worse than Kaji and it was way worse than the things Shinji had stirred in her for a time. She hated it. She hated it so fucking much!
"Why does he make me feel these things?" she asked herself through gritted teeth. "Why?"
She didn't want to confront how she felt about him. She didn't want to think about it. She wanted to push it all away, shove it down, never think about it again, and yet she couldn't. All she could do was think about it. He accepted her. He cared about her regardless of her status as a pilot. He looked past her propensity to be a bitch to him and everyone else. He showed her compassion and care when she needed it. He held her when she'd needed it, unlike so many others who had come and gone throughout her life...
She loved him for it...
"Dammit..." she hissed. "Why? Why did I have to fall for him? Dammit... damn it all..."
Asuka sat there in the bed, head in her hands. She'd finally admitted it to herself. She'd fallen in love with Kaworu Nagisa... and there was no way she would allow herself to act on such feelings, ever. She needed to get away, to focus on other things, anything but that. She didn't want to risk bringing him down to her level, to her pain and torment. Sure, he accepted her now, but what if he learned about her past, her relationship with her mother and her father? What then? What if she gave in to her perverted base desires and pressured him into... taking her? Would he still accept her then?
No... she wouldn't take that risk...
She got up, changed out of her sleep clothes, and gathered up her things. She was going to return to Misato's apartment and avoid him... for his own good and hers.
"It's better this way..." she murmured to herself as she left and closed the door behind her. "For both of us..."
If only she could truly believe that...
It was late in the morning and Colonel Mitsuo Shikishima marched toward the office of General Oda with a thick manila folder in hand. He'd finished compiling his report regarding the information he'd been provided by Agent Kaji and was now ready to present it. He'd barely slept during that entire time, partly because he'd been using every free moment to work on the report and partly because of the subject matter contained therein.
He grimaced and shivered as he walked, thinking of all the details from the Evangelions themselves to the Angels, SEELE, GEHIRN, NERV... all of it. It was too much to handle. The fact that such an elaborate plot had gone under the nose of not just the Japanese government but the entire United Nations was baffling. Then again... he knew enough to know that money and propaganda can do much to sway people and keep them blind...
Soon enough, he found himself before Oda's door and knocked thrice firmly. "Enter," came the commanding reply from the other side. Shikishima took a deep breath and let it out. This was it... either the unraveling of a global conspiracy or the potential end of his career. He turned the door handle, pushed the door open, and stepped inside.
Shikishima was greeted instantly by the wafting clouds of tobacco smoke that lingered in the General Katsuhito Oda sitting at his desk and reading over a number of reports, the pipe that was producing the smoke clenched between his teeth. Every time Shikishima laid eyes on the man he was always struck by just how much of an old school division commander the man styled himself, from his neatly cut gray hair, to his pristine uniform, to the pipe he smoked. Considering his age, being easily over seventy, it was amazing that the general was still in seemingly good health. As soon as the older man laid eyes on him, he took the pipe out of his mouth and smiled. "Ah, Colonel Shikishima, my favorite commie smasher," he greeted with a toothy grin. "How are you this fine morning?"
Shikishima inwardly winced. He'd served with Oda long before he commanded the special forces, before and during the days after Second Impact, back when the JSSDF was still the JSDF... During that time he'd been a mere captain and his company had been one of the best counter insurgency regiments during that widespread lawlessness. He still looked back on that time with disgust, the amount of civilians killed, the children... and Oda was so very proud of him for all of that and always had been. Still, he couldn't show his disgust for his commanding officer and never would, especially considering Oda trusted his every decision... He snapped a salute. "Sir, I have urgent matters that require your attention," he stated.
Oda snorted. "For heaven's sake, Mitsuo, we're old friends, you don't have to salute," he said before taking a puff on his pipe and gesturing to have a seat his desk across from him. "What can I do for you?"
Shikishima stepped over to the desk and sat down, steeling himself for what was about to happen. "I've received some troublesome information regarding NERV," he stated as evenly as he could.
Oda scoffed. "More troublesome than the ones we've been moving to fortify against? I doubt it," he replied with a smirk. "Or is it some more evidence to corroborate it?"
Shikishima frowned, knowing full well that the information the government had was fabricated by the people at SEELE. He could only hope that his commanding officer wasn't so blind as the rest of the government and the military. "More troublesome," he stated grimly.
Oda's smirk instantly switched to an incredulous frown. "And what could be more troublesome than those over-funded traitors staging a coup?" he inquired flippantly.
Shikishima's frown deepened. There was no point in holding back. He set the dossier down on Oda's desk and leaned forward, placing his finger atop it's cover. "This is a report I've compiled," he stated. "I suggest you read it."
Oda took a puff on his pipe, his eyes narrowing. "Mitsuo, I'm a very busy man, you should know that," he returned, his voice loosing it's air of shallow friendship. "Give me the skinny and maybe I'll find time to look it over."
Shikishima's blood pressure spiked. "Sir, with all due respect, there might not be that much time for any of us," he stated.
"Then tell me what this is about instead of wasting mine," Oda snapped.
Shikishima closed his eyes and drew a deep breath. He had to remain calm and play the general's game, as much as he despised doing so. He had to keep composed and state only the facts as he understood them... even if it meant putting himself at risk. "I've received troublesome reports from sources embedded within NERV," he stated. "They've informed me that-"
"This Fujita fellow that you have dealings with?" Oda cut him off.
Shikishima's eyes widened. He'd told no one of his continual dealings with Fujita over the years after he'd managed to get the young man involved in government work... "Sir?" he blurted out, unsure of what else to say.
Oda's lips curved upward. "Mitsuo, though you have a passion for intelligence and clandestine work, you're no spy," he stated. "You don't do a good enough job being discrete."
Shikishima was dumbfounded. "You knew?" he asked.
Oda scoffed. "Of course I knew," he stated calmly, letting out a wry chuckle and taking a puff on his pipe. "Who do you think was making sure your ties to Fujita were kept out of sight from the Ministry of Defesne? I've been the only thing standing between you and a court martial for years. I know well of his mission for the DIH, as it was what gave us our battle plan, and I know you speak with him regularly. Now, tell me, what did your pet outlaw turned government agent inform you of?"
Shikishima looked down at the folder, trying his best to look and sound calm as he formulated his response. He'd been thoroughly and decisively outplayed before the game had even begun. Perhaps that was his fault for being an honest man at his core... and now he had no choice but to show his hand and speak the truth. "The intelligence that we've been fed about NERV and their purported coup is a lie," he stated firmly after a moment of pause.
Oda's eyebrow's arched with suspicion but otherwise his expression remained entirely neutral. "Go on..." he drawled.
Shikishima paused once again, trying his best to think of how to say what needed to be said in the most coherent way possible before speaking once again. "The rumors of a coup being started by NERV to overthrow the Japanese Government were fabricated by third party actors," he stated, trying to remain coherent and calm, but in the end he fell into a ramble, much to his dismay with himself. "There is a group called SEELE that seeks to use the chaos of any attack we launch at NERV to remake the world in a way that... I... I can't even describe it, the dossier details it. Let's put it like this... they want to initiate a Third Impact to do it and they need NERV neutralized to make it happen. All I can say is that I've personally met with someone who was far more embedded with NERV than Fujita who confirmed all of this. In that folder are transcripts of a tape containing Commader Ikari himself speaking on the matter. Please, sir, read what's inside."
Oda regarded him with an opened mouthed expression somewhere between curiosity and bewilderment, smoke lazily pouring out of his mouth and into the air in thin wisps. After a few seconds, his lips curved upwards and he began to laugh, soft at first but it grew into a mighty belly laugh. "I never thought I'd see the day..." he croaked out as his guffaws began to subside.
This was not what he'd expected... it usually wasn't a good sign when Oda started laughing. "See what day, sir?" Shikishima inquired nervously.
Oda regarded him with a lopsided grin, pity shining in his eyes. "The day that one of my most trusted commanders finds himself swayed by enemy disinformation," he stated evenly, taking a puff on his pipe.
Shikishima bit the inside of his cheek to keep himself from behaving unbecoming of an officer. Oda hadn't even read his file, how could he be so confident in such a statement!? Was he really so blinded by his position and the possibility of advancement!? "I assure you, it's not disinformation," he implored. "Commander Ikari-"
Oda held up a hand, cutting him off, and reached across the desk, grabbing the file and holding it up in his hand. "Mitsuo, my old friend, I know you have sympathies for Fujita, I do," he said. "But do you really believe that the commander of NERV himself is trying to compromise his own organization?"
Shikishima thought on the matter carefully. It was incredibly unlikely, but Fujita had told him of the encounter that Kaji had with Ikari before he'd left Tokyo 3... and he knew Fujita would never lie to him. "It is far fetched, but I assure you, that folder contains the truth of everything that's happened between Second Impact and now," he replied shakily.
Oda scoffed. "Do you realize how insane you sound right now?" he chided. "Come now, Mitsuo, you're better than this."
Shikishima scowled. He'd heard enough. Time to go on the last ditch offensive and fix bayonets, regardless of the cost... a banzai charge. "Sir, I'm begging you, please, just read the file," he implored. "You have no idea what is going to happen if you don't read that and push it up the chain of command. The fate of the world is at stake!"
Oda held the file up, glaring at him with a venom seldom seen, one that he'd rarely ever been subjected to. The only time he remembered that expression was when he'd executed a squad of his own men after they'd killed a group of scavenger kids that had been raiding a depot in the wake of Second Impact... "The fate of the world?" he scoffed. "I think not. Seriously, Mitsuo, you must know that this is textbook bullshit. I know you trust Fujita but he's just as human as you and I, not immune to the sway of propaganda. However, I find it hard to believe that your loyalty could be broken by such a far fetched conspiracy theory. Secret societies and a Third Impact? What at joke!"
Shikishima stood from his seat, glaring down at his superior officer. "How dare you sir! My report can be verified!" he shouted. "Just read it, dammit! It's all there!"
Oda stood from his seat, flashing him an icy glare. "How dare you, Colonel!" he snarled. "How dare you come into my office and bark at me like some little junk yard dog!"
He wanted to say more but he couldn't. Nothing he could say would sway him no matter how he hard he tried. The battle was over... "I'm sorry, sir..." he replied, casting his gaze downwards. "I meant no disrespect..."
Oda picked up a lighter off his desk. "It's fine," he replied. "You've done nothing but serve your country well up until now and so I'll forgive this transgression. So let's just forget this conversation ever happened..." With that he flicked the lighter and held the flame to the bottom of the folder, setting it alight.
Shikishima regarded his commanding officer with a frown. "I don't understand how you can be so certain in your assumptions, sir..." he pressed in spite of himself.
Oda glared at him, throwing the flaming folder into the metal waste basket beside the desk before standing up and stepping around it. The older man looked up at him and placed a hand on his shoulder, retaining that glare. "Colonel, enough," he growled. "Now, you're going to leave this office and forget about what was in that folder. You're going to cease communication with your pet spy and the people he's working with and you're going to tow the SDF's line like the good soldier you are. Understood?"
Shikishima bowed his head, utterly and totally defeated. He was out of options, his hand was played. Part of him hoped that it was misinformation or that Fujita and Kaji could figure out a backup plan in time to make a difference. Either way, he would certainly be contacting them as soon as he got back to his quarters... "Yes sir..." he grumbled in response.
The days cooped up in the hotel room in Atami had been... tense to say the least. Fujita was getting more and more agitated with each passing day that there was no contact with Shikishima. He couldn't help but sympathize with the man's condition, especially after he'd been informed of his history with the colonel. Though Fujita would never say it, Kaji got the distinct impression that Shikishima had been somewhat of a father figure to him from the stories he'd told. Still, rooming with the DIH agent had not been easy, mostly due to the man's swearing to himself and pacing late into the night in the past few days. He couldn't help but feel a little bad for him, since he was the one who'd dragged him into this mess...
"It's been too long..." Fujita muttered as he paced back and forth across the room. "We should have heard something by now..."
Kaji sighed. "I can imagine compiling a report on something like what we provided him with could take a bit of time," he replied evenly. "Just sit down, relax, and watch TV. There's nothing we can do right now."
Fujita scoffed and shook his head. "Easier said than done," he retorted, never ceasing his pacing. "It's been days and I know Shikishima. He's usually very prompt, especially considering matters as serious as this."
Kaji sighed again, shaking his head. "It is easier said than done," he replied.
Fujita huffed. "I seriously don't know just how much more sitting around doing nothing that I can take," he grumbled. "I'm a man of action, Kaji-kun. Patience isn't my strong suit."
Kaji smirked. "Hence why you do the kind of work you do," he returned.
"The kind of work we both do, and yes," Fujita stated. "I like being involved, not sitting around waiting for things to unfold..."
It was then that the landline phone in the hotel began to ring. Fujita wasted no time in lunging forward to grasp it and pulled it to his ear. "Hello?" he spoke.
Kaji watched as Fujita's eyes went wide for a second before his face contorted into an expression of pure rage. "Are you fucking serious!" he exclaimed. "That slimy old bastard seriously did that!"
Kaji raised an eyebrow at Fujita's vitriol. He'd never seen him like this. Whatever and whomever it was on the other end of the line, presumably Shikishima, had certainly displeased him...
"And you just gave up like that! … Disinformation!" Fujita shouted, getting red in the face. "That old fuck thinks it was disinformation! … No! I don't care! Push it up the chain anyway, whatever it takes! … Of course I know that someone could be listening! I want them to hear! I want them to hear it all! Don't they know what's at stake!? … Fuck them! We gave you the fucking truth! Go over Oda's head! … I don't care! I don't fucking care! Tell the PSIA! Tell the minister of defense! Tell the fucking prime minister! Tell them! Tell them!"
Fujita howled in frustration before grabbing the phone off the counter and smashing it multiple times on said counter before throwing the pieces on the ground. He stomped on the device a few times before stepping away and running a hand through his hair with an exasperated groan.
"I take it that wasn't good news..." Kaji muttered softly, having watched the ordeal in stunned silence.
Fujita breathed a heavy sigh, looking at him with a dejected expression. "The report that Shikishima gave was dead on arrival. The official stance of his superior is that the intelligence we provided is, quote, 'enemy disinformation...'" he huffed before shaking his head and pointing at the destroyed telephone on the floor with a dejected expression. "And I think the phone's broken..."
Kaji frowned, knowing what that meant for the two of them. It was not going to be easy... "I see..." he muttered. "So we'll have to execute our backup plan..."
"Yes..." Fujita replied. "It sure seems that way. We need to get moving and head to Tokyo 2..."
Kaji nodded. "It would seem so, yes..." he stated, fishing a cigarette out of his pocket, placing it between his teeth, and lighting it. "We should leave immediately. There's no point in staying here another night."
Fujita sat down beside him and frowned. "Give me one of those, dammit..." he huffed.
Kaji did as asked and handed Fujita a smoke. Fujita lit the thing, took a massive pull, and blew it out, shaking his head. "You know, the odds of success with our backup plan aren't the greatest," he huffed. "The odds of us getting shot before we can pull it off are pretty high, and even if we succeed we'll probably be lucky to escape life in prison..."
Kaji nodded. "I know..." he murmured. "But it beats getting turned into orange goo and merged with the minds and hearts of all humanity, being left with no personal identity..."
Fujita snickered. "Yeah, I like having a sense of self," he stated with a smirk, taking another puff of the cigarette he held. "But it we fuck up and blow this, at least one consolation I have is the whole world will get to see how fun, witty, and charming I am in a roundabout way..."
Kaji had no response. He simply shook his head and laughed.
Gendo adjusted his jacket and his glasses, taking a deep breath to steady himself before entering the meeting room within NERV's pyramid used for meeting with SEELE. Fuyutsuki was right in that the old men had wasted no time in calling a meeting to discuss the events of the most recent battle. Anything to put him on the spot and try to make him sweat he supposed... it didn't matter. He had to trust himself and keep his cool as he always did. It was just another meeting... He strode forth into the room and shut the door behind him before moving to the desk and sitting down.
The lights dimmed and after a moment the sound only hologram monoliths SEELE so enjoyed using to communicate through began appearing around him. "We have much to discuss..." SEELE 01, Keel Lorenz spoke ominously.
"Indeed," SEELE 02 added. "How could you tolerate the loss of Unit 00, Ikari!"
"And the nerve you had in deploying Unit 01 once again against our orders!" SEELE 03 added.
Gendo breathed deeply and folded his gloved hands in front of his face, taking the posture he was most comfortable in addressing difficult situations. "The situation called for it," he replied. "There was no ulterior motive to my decision."
"That awaits to be seen..." Keel growled. "Your track record for deviating from our scenario speaks for itself."
"Does it now?" Gendo drawled in response, remaining outwardly calm. "Explain to me how the situation could be remedied without the use of Unit 01 when the pilot of Unit 02 proved combat ineffective?"
"Perhaps you have a point..." SEELE 04 growled.
"The defeat of the Sixteenth Angel was attained..." SEELE 03 stated. "However, the loss of Unit 00 was quite unfortunate."
"And the survival of Unit 00's pilot borders on a miracle of nature..." SEELE 05 stated. "Tell us, how was that possible given the circumstance?"
Gendo breathed deeply, forcing himself to remain composed. Truth be told, he had no idea how Unit 00 had managed to go berserk under the circumstances of the battle, but then again if he didn't know then neither did the old men... "It remains a mystery," he replied. "One that is irrelevant considering the state of things as they are..."
"Perhaps..." Keel growled. "But it leaves us in a tenuous position none the less. With the demise of Unit 00, Unit 01 is the only viable Evangelion considering the status of the Second Child..."
"The Second Child's status is a pressing issue," Gendo stated evenly. "However, it is not something that cannot be overcome."
"Such an optimistic statement considering the situation..." SEELE 02 replied.
"Truly, do you believe your own words Ikari?" SEELE 03 pressed.
"I do," Gendo responded, trying to remain calm in his attempt to buy time. "The Second Child's condition may be reversed. Pilot synchronization can fluctuate from time to time..."
"Can fluctuate from time to time!?" SEELE 04 exclaimed. "Surely you know how naive you sound, Ikari..."
"The Second Child is of no use to us anymore," Keel stated ominously. "We shall be personally selecting the Fifth Child as a replacement..."
Gendo's eyes widened ever so slightly. He had to be cautious and to the point without giving them a reason to suspect his motivations... "Do you think that wise, given the investment NERV has made into the Second Child?" he inquired, careful to keep his voice level. "Considering the sheer amount of time and money spent on her training it would seem a waste."
"Ha!" SEELE 05 exclaimed. "Since when does Gendo Ikari care about budget costs?"
"What sort of game are you playing at, Ikari?" SEELE 02 growled.
Gendo smirked behind his gloves. Keel hadn't been the one to respond. He had this in the bag... "I am simply voicing a pertinent concern," he replied. "Until a replacement pilot can be properly trained, that would leave Unit 01 as the only combat ready Evangelion for the time being, as you've said. I would suggest appointing the First Child as temporary pilot of Unit 02 whilst at the same time attempting to remedy the Second Child's synchronization scores. The incident on the Over The Rainbow some months ago prove that this is a viable option."
Silence hung in the chamber for a moment before anyone responded. "A logical course of action, to be certain..." SEELE 03 spoke. "However, the First Child is currently hospitalized..."
"And time is running short," SEELE 04 added.
"The promised day approaches!" SEELE 02 cried.
"We do not have time for cautious moves any longer..." SEELE 05 uttered darkly.
"However, it is a logical argument to make, considering the circumstance, so we shall compromise..." Keel spoke ominously. "Considering the First Child is hospitalized at present, she is of no use as a pilot. We shall give you five days to reverse the Second Child's downward trend. In the meantime we will be making our selection for their replacement..."
Gendo closed his eyes and breathed deeply. He knew that he'd only managed to buy himself a few days but it was better than nothing. Soon they would send the final messenger, the project Tabris that he'd heard so much about... but hopefully that wouldn't come in the form of a pilot. It would make things easier if The Second Child could be reinstated... "I find these terms acceptable," he replied.
"Whether you find them acceptable or not is of no concern to us," Keel returned ominously.
"Mind yourself, Ikari, you know to whom your speaking..." SEELE 02 spoke, a thinly veiled threat.
"Your position is as tenuous as it has ever been..." SEELE 03 added.
With that all the monoliths with the exception of Keel's flickered and disappeared from the room, leaving Gendo alone with the head of SEELE. "Your rash actions have endangered our scenario for the last time..." he spoke, his voice low and threatening. "NERV is not your personal play thing... Should you prove to be any more of an obstacle then you shall be removed..."
"Understood..." Gendo replied, knowing full well how things were shaping up.
Time to reverse the tide was running out...
It was lunch time at school and Shinji looked around the room as he prepared to eat his bento. Asuka hadn't been to school in days, Touji was still in a coma, and Rei was still recovering at NERV, so he was alone, alone like he had been when he first came to Tokyo 3...
When he'd first gotten to school, Representative Horaki had made an announcement that it would be the last day of classes and that the school would be shutting down indefinitely due to the damage done to the city in the last battle. It seemed like a sensible thing for the administration to do in all honesty. Almost no one was left in his class, they'd all moved away after the last few Angel attacks. Even if the city hadn't been decimated by Unit 00 exploding what was the point of holding classes if no one was there to attend them? Still... it made him sad. After today that one remaining thread of normalcy he had would be cut. All that would be left would be his life as an Eva pilot...
"Hey, do you mind if I sit with you?" Kensuke's voice shook him from his thoughts.
Shinji looked to his side to find his bespectacled friend standing there beside his desk wearing a frown. "Sure," he responded with a nod.
Kensuke pulled up a chair and sat down, an deep from on his lips contrary to his usual chipper demeanor. "So.. schools are shutting down after today..." he murmured. "It's kinda hard to believe..."
Shinji looked down at his food, a frown taking form on his own features. "Yeah..." he replied quietly. "I suppose it's been a long time coming though. The last battle was just the final straw..."
Kensuke nodded and looked out the window. "With more and more students moving away there really isn't a point to it anymore..." he murmured.
He was trying to say something but couldn't find the worlds, Shinji could tell. He just hoped that it wasn't what he suspected it was... "Yeah," he replied. "You have a point..."
Kensuke breathed a heavy sigh and hung his head. "I'm sorry, Shinji, but I'm leaving too..." he replied bitterly. "Hikari's family is gonna be moving too. I'm sorry..."
Shinji looked away from his friend, his brow kitting up at the news. He completely understood and he knew it was outside of Kensuke's control but it still stung. It meant the group of people he could call his friends was getting ever smaller. He didn't like that feeling... "I get it," he replied. "That's not something you can control. I understand..."
Kensuke snorted quietly. "Still, I feel bad," he returned. "Not just for leaving, but for Touji... y'know?"
Shinji's frown deepened. It had been a while since he'd visited Touji and he made a mental note to do that. He definitely would be upset to know that one of his close friends had moved away. He could only imagine how he'd react once he woke up... if he ever woke up. "Yeah..." Shinji replied. "He'd definitely be sad to know you're leaving."
Kensuke sighed and shook his head. "I'm not just talking about that, man..." he muttered. "I'm talking about something else... and it involves someone else..."
Shinji felt his stomach lurch. Was he alluding to what he thought he was alluding to? "What are you talking about?" he asked.
Kensuke sighed and regarded him with a somber, lopsided smile. "Well... I've told you I've been getting closer to Hikari because of... everything that happened," he replied quietly.
Shinji's frown became a genuine disapproving scowl. "Go on..." he nudged.
Kensuke ran a hand through his hair and adjusted his glasses, his look of melancholy never wavering. "She and her family are going to the same town mine is and I uh... I asked her out... and she said yes," he replied before letting out a sigh and shaking his head. "I know it's so shitty of me, but the heart wants what the heart wants... If he ever wakes up, please... just tell him I'm sorry."
Shinji bit the inside of his lip. Part of him really wanted to tell Kensuke just how vile he thought such an action was but he couldn't bring himself to. Even if it was pretty low of a thing to do he could see how guilty Kensuke felt. Then again, one couldn't just expect for people to wait around forever. As shitty as it was, people moved on, and friendships and affections ebbed and flowed. It made him wonder if Rei would do something like that to him if he were in Touji's position even if he could never do something like that to her... He looked down at his desk. "The heart wants what the heart wants..." he echoed his friends words, letting them sink in.
"So... you'll tell him?" Kensuke asked.
Shinji nodded. "Yeah," he replied. "I will... when he wakes up..."
Kensuke breathed a heavy sigh. "Thank you, Shinji..." he returned somberly but gratefully. "That really means a lot, man..."
Shinji's frown remained and he still couldn't bring himself to look at his friend, even though the odds of them ever seeing each other again after today were slim. "No problem..." he replied.
Kensuke stood up. "Well... I gotta go," he stated glumly. "Hikari's probably wondering why I haven't met her on the roof for lunch. I'll see you later, okay?"
Shinji's frown turned into a full on scowl. It was a lie and both of them knew it. "No you won't..." he muttered, perhaps a bit more bitterly than he'd intended. "You're leaving, remember?"
Kensuke sighed. "Yeah..." he murmured as he began walking away. "I suppose you're right..."
Shinji listened to him walk away as he stared downward at the bento box on his desk. As soon as he'd left the room, as evidenced by the sound of the door opening and closing, he leaned forward and rested his forehead on his palm, shaking his head. To think that one of his only remaining friends without ties to NERV was leaving stung. To compound this, considering he barely saw Asuka anymore and his situation with Rei was... awkward to say the least, he couldn't help but feel nearly as isolated as he had when he first came to Tokyo 3...
His thoughts drifted to the blue haired girl he held most dear of anyone in his life. He couldn't help but feel a sense of anxiety over how the two of them had parted the previous afternoon. Trying to tell her how he felt about her was probably the hardest thing he'd ever had to do, even scarier in some ways than piloting Unit 01. No... it had definitely been scarier than any Angel fight he'd ever experienced. He'd laid his feelings bare. Even if he hadn't mustered the strength to tell her he loved her he'd tried to kiss her... and her reaction did nothing but fill him with worry.
She'd told him that she wanted it, that she'd wanted him... and yet she'd restrained him, held him back. She'd told him that she needed to show him something before she could accept his feelings, even though it was obvious she really had wanted to kiss him back... and that filled him with worry. He wished that she could just tell him what was on her mind and what was so important. He wanted to go visit her after school and press the matter but he worried it would make things worse. No... he couldn't do that to her. Rei would show and tell him what she wanted to when she was ready. If he went to see her between now and then he wouldn't bring it up. The situation was awkward enough already... so why make it even more so?
He breathed another heavy sigh and ran a hand through his hair. "Why is everything so complicated..." he muttered to himself, as he closed his bento box. He'd completely lost his appetite in the aftermath of his conversation with Kensuke and upon ruminating on his situation with Rei...
It was late in the afternoon when Asuka found herself standing at the door to Misato's apartment. She hadn't gone to school during the day just like she hadn't for the past several before hand. If she had she would have ran into Shinji or Kaworu, something she didn't want to deal with. Instead, she wandered around the city, the ruins of it at least...
She had to admit that it was kinda surreal, to be walking around places once familiar that were now so alien. Where there had once been shops and apartment buildings now it was nothing but charred and blasted husks on the shores of a crater lake. Hell, most of the places that she'd enjoyed going to had been wiped out in the blast. The mall, the arcade, the little cafes... they were all gone now. There was nothing left but a void where the heart of the city had been.
"It's just like me..." she'd said to herself. "There's nothing left..."
She'd thought about going back to Kaworu's apartment but she didn't want to face him. She couldn't, not after the way the morning had gone, not after how the night before had gone, not after the conclusion she'd come to regarding her feelings for him... and so she'd found herself standing back at the place she'd wanted to run from most. Being back, standing in front of the door to the home of her guardian and Shinji wasn't easy, now that she'd lost everything she cared about, everything but Kaworu that was...
She thought about knocking for a moment before shaking her head, remembering that she had a key, she lived there after all. With a deep frown she unlocked it and triggered the switch to open the door before stepping inside. She set her bag of belongings down in the foyer, slipped off her shoes, and headed to the kitchen. Walking around in the heat all day had made her partched.
As soon as she entered the kitchen she came face to face with Shinji who'd been in the process of filling a glass of water for himself. He looked at her with mild surprise. "Oh, uh, hi Asuka," he said to her with a nervous smile. "It's nice to see you home."
Asuka scowled and folded her arms, looking away resting her back against the wall. She hated when he got so outwardly kind and sympathetic. He probably didn't mean it anyway. If he asked her how she was feeling she'd tear him a new one. He didn't deserve to know and she didn't want to tell him and he probably didn't even care anyway. All he probably cared about was Rei and her stupid minor injuries... "Yeah, whatever, I got tired of Hikari's place," she lied. "So I'm back."
"I see... well, it's good to see your back," he replied, a frown taking shape on his face as he looked down into the glass of water he was holding. "By the way, school is canceled. They're shutting it down until the city's rebuilt, if it's ever rebuilt..."
Asuka nodded. "I guess that makes sense," she replied gruffly. "Not that I care, I already graduated college in Germany. It was stupid for me to even be going with you anyway..."
A short pause hung in the air. "I was a bit worried about you," Shinji stated quietly, his gaze fixed on the floor. "And I'm pretty sure Misato-san was too..."
Asuka screwed up her face at that last statement. "Misato was worried about me?" she scoffed. "I doubt it. She was probably too busy screwing around with Kaji to care..."
Shinji winced and shifted on his feet. "I don't think that's the case..." he replied quietly.
He looked like he was hiding something. Her eyes narrowed for a moment as she contemplated outright accusing him of doing so but if she pressed him then he'd just fold like the wimp he was. It was better to toy with him. "What?" she responded with a sneer. "Did Kaji finally come to his senses?"
Shinji's frown only deepened and he cast his eyes down at the floor. "I think it's best if you ask Misato about it..." he muttered softly as he set his half empty cup of water on the counter top and left the kitchen.
The way he said that made her shift from anger to concern but before she could say anything she heard the door to the apartment open which signaled Misato had just gotten home. Instead of pursuing Shinji she moved to the cabinet and grabbed a glass of water, the thing she'd initially wanted to do upon arriving back, and waited for Misato the show herself.
She'd managed only a few greedy gulps before her guardian showed herself in the entrance to the kitchen. Misato regarded her with a look of surprise before she smiled warmly. "Oh, Asuka," spoke. "It's good to see you're home."
Asuka scowled at her. "Whatever, I know you're just saying that..." she spat. Even if it was true she didn't want sympathy or concern from either of them, especially not someone who first and foremost oversaw her piloting and had allowed Commander Ikari to use her as a decoy in the last battle...
Misato frowned. "I'm not just saying that," she replied. "Both Shinji and I have been worried."
Asuka set the glass down on the counter next to the one Shinji had been using and folded her arms. "Then explain why neither one of you ever called or anything while I was at Hikari's?" she huffed. "Worried my ass..."
Out of the corner of her eyes she could see Misato seemingly slump her shoulders and she was damned sure she was looking at her with a pitiful frown. She hated it... "I'm sorry, Asuka..." Misato replied. "I know things have been hard for you but I figured you wanted your space. On top of that, I've been very busy."
Asuka whipped around, Shinji's words from moments ago fresh in her mind. "Shinji said you haven't been seeing Kaji so what's been keeping all your time, huh?" she huffed.
Misato flinched, eyes widening for a moment before casting her eyes to the ground. "I've been... looking into some things," she replied, her voice filled barely contained anguish. "I suppose it's not that important. And no... Shinji's right... I haven't been seeing Kaji..."
Asuka's brow furrowed at that. It was kinda strange to see Misato looking so pained. "How come?" she asked, hiding her concern behind her usual sarcasm. "I thought the two of you were attached at the crotch?"
Misato's lip quivered. "Asuka... Kaji's... Kaji's dead," she returned, just above a whisper.
Asuka's eyes went wide. No... no! She couldn't believe that! How was that possible!? "Wh- what?" she stammered out in shock.
Misato's frown deepened. "I'm sorry that I didn't tell you..." she murmured softly. "But it's true..."
Asuka felt an icy chill wash over her body. She'd gotten over her crush on him but she still cared about him dearly and the idea that he was gone forever was too much to handle. "I don't believe you!" she cried in protest. "You're just saying that! How do you know!?"
She could see tears welling up in Misato's eyes. "I just know, okay?" she replied shakily.
Asuka bristled, her shock turning to anger. "How come you didn't tell me!" she cried.
Misato bared her teeth and glared at her. "Because I'm still trying to process it!" she barked angrily, tears falling from her eyes. "Do you think accepting it is easy!? I'm sorry that I didn't tell you, happy!?"
Asuka flinched at the pain and venom in Misato's voice. She bowed her head, tears filling her own eyes for the second time in as many days. "You're so selfish..." she hissed.
"I'm selfish!?" Misato cried. "I'm selfish!? Look who's talking! You ran away and said nothing! I had to find out from Shinji that you were staying with a friend!"
Asuka snarled at her guardian. That accusation absolutely incensed her. Who was she to judge her? She wouldn't stomach this deflection. "And you never even bothered to call and see if I was okay!" she spat, her shameful tears falling once again. "You're so wrapped up in yourself and your own shit! You never gave a shit about me, not once!"
Misato regarded her with a quivering grimace, tears pouring down her cheeks as well. "I'm sorry!" Misato shouted. "I'm human! I'm sorry that I can't spend every second of my life looking after you! Happy now!?"
Asuka balled her fists. She didn't want to take this shit. "I'm going to my room..." she snarled, turning to leave. "I'm done with you..."
"Fine, be that way..." Misato replied quietly, sniffling. "Make sure to get some sleep, you've got a sync test in the morning..."
Asuka stopped in the entrance to the living room. "W- what?" she stammered.
"You heard me," Misato snapped. "Commander Ikari is giving you another chance. Don't blow it."
Asuka screwed up her face and squinted her eyes shut. As if it would do any good... but she still appreciated that chance. "Whatever, as if you care about any of that..." she huffed before exiting the kitchen and making a beeline to her room.
As soon as she reached her room she threw the door open, stepped inside, and slammed it shut behind her before throwing herself down on her bed, tears steaming down her face. She curled into a ball, sobbing uncontrollably in spite of herself. She hated behaving this way but she couldn't help it. Knowing that Kaji, her former guardian and one of the only people she'd ever really trusted, was dead hurt. It hurt so fucking much, and the fact that Misato had kept that from her hurt even worse.
"Fuck this!" she whimpered into her pillow, pulling it tight to her face. "I hate this shit!"
And she meant it. She'd never felt this alone. Misato didn't give a shit about the pain she was going through, neither did Shinji, her friendship with Rei was strained, and Hikari was too wrapped up in her own shit to notice her anymore. No one cared about her, no one except Kaworu... and she'd ran away from him now too.
She pulled the pillow tight in an attempt to stem her tears. She'd ran away from the one person who actually gave a shit about her and she hated herself for it. She'd ran away and left him because of her pride and her fears and that was killing her. If only she'd stayed with him then she'd never have learned about Kaji's death. If she'd stayed with him she could be letting him hold her right now...
But she'd walked way from him while he'd been away like a filthy coward...
She hoped that he wouldn't judge her for it, like he'd never judged her for anything before. She wanted to call him and tell him about Kaji so he could try to comfort her about that loss. She wanted to call him just to hear his voice... but she just couldn't bring herself to do so. Her pride and her guilt in equal measure wouldn't allow her to. All she could do was curl into a ball atop her bed and weep...
Kaworu had gone straight back to his apartment upon school being dismissed. He would admit that he found it rather sad that lessons would be suspended indefinitely. School was something he'd grown a certain fondness for ever since he'd come to Tokyo 3 for the second time. It had helped to show him how people interacted in a normal setting and the rhythm of normal human relationships. He'd quite enjoyed being able to spend time with Asuka, Shinji, and even Ayanami, in a setting meant for such things, in a normal place. He would miss that, but those thoughts left his mind the moment he'd returned to his apartment.
Asuka had left...
This fact had surprised him and also left him a bit saddened. He'd grown used to seeing her sitting on his floor, playing her video games when he arrived home. He'd simply grown used to having her around. Now that she was gone the apartment felt so empty, so cold, so quiet... It was so very strange how simply having her around for the short time she'd stayed with him could affect the atmosphere of his dwelling and have an impact on him in the process.
He'd cooked himself a meal, bathed, tidied up his room, all the things he'd done on instinct before and during the time that Asuka was staying with him, but it all felt off. The silence in the apartment was deafening. The all encompassing feeling of being alone was suffocating. It made him antsy, frustrated, and generally unpleasant...
"I never felt this way, even with Shinji-kun..." he'd vocalized to himself whilst getting ready for bed, pacing around the room as darkness fell. "Why do I feel this way?"
The question got him pondering things, pondering what his affections were and what his affections were. He knew that he cared much about Asuka, perhaps more than he had Shinji, but what did that mean? He knew that he missed her even though she'd just left, but why? What was the word for the feelings he was experiencing? He wanted to know, so desperately he wanted to know...
He changed into his sleep clothes and laid down on his small bed and threw the covers over himself. He turned over on his side, closing his eyes and wrapping his arms tight around the pillow as he tried to suppress the ache he felt in his chest. It didn't help. Upon breathing in the smell on the pillow it intensified that feeling. The pillow still smelled like the shampoo Asuka used...
"What is this feeling?" he murmured to himself...
He wanted to know, he needed to know... and he was afraid he already knew what it was and what that meant...
Misato awoke early in the morning even though she hadn't been able to get meaningful sleep during the night, the altercation with Asuka of the previous evening making any rest difficult. She felt guilty for telling Asuka about Kaji in such a blunt manner. She felt guilty for blowing up at her when she knew she was already in such a vulnerable state, and she'd wanted to apologize after watching her storm off, but the worry of doing so escalating into further argument prevented her from doing so. So it was that she'd retired to her room and resumed the research into Kaji's filed that had become an obsession.
She knew that she needed to get down to Terminal Dogma sometime soon. She needed to know what or who this mysterious test subject that the strange room Kaji had encountered belonged to. She needed to know the secrets of the Dummy System and she needed to know how it fit into the mysterious Human Instrumentality Project that was soon to commence... but how? How could she manage to gain access without alerting Ritsuko or Commander Ikari? That method of doing so was a problem she hadn't yet found a solution to.
Oh well, it didn't matter right now. All that mattered was getting ready to go to NERV and hopefully reconciling with Asuka at least a little bit before the sync test scheduled for the morning...
She'd found herself a bit relieved the previous evening when she'd gotten the memo that Asuka would be given another chance to raise her synchronization scores before another pilot candidate would be considered. She knew how much Asuka prided herself on being a pilot, and even if that had caused her to make some reckless decisions in battle before she deserved a second chance. She just hoped that her past two combat sorties had humbled her sufficiently to make that recklessness a thing of the past. Commander Ikari's reasoning for allowing her another shot was also very convincing. Training another pilot was not going to be easy and she did not want to see another situation as shaky as the ordeal of Shinji's introduction to piloting happen on her watch.
Misato got dressed and exited her room, heading to the kitchen. She found the coffee pot full and Shinji already sitting at the table with a glum expression. Forcing a smile, she sat down across from after pouring herself a cup. "Hey," she said. "You look down. Something wrong?"
Shinji's eyebrows knit up and he kept staring into his cup of coffee as if looking for the secrets of the universe. "I... heard you and Asuka talking yesterday..." he replied quietly.
Misato's fake smile couldn't hold at that. The way he said that conveyed so much more than what the words themselves. "Oh..." she returned, looking down into her own cup.
Shinji breathed deeply and let it out in a heavy sigh. "I suppose it's good she knows now..." he replied quietly. "Still... I feel bad for her. You shouldn't have yelled at her, she didn't deserve that..."
Misato nodded, unable to look at him, the shame of her outburst the previous night making that impossible. "I know..." she replied softly. "It's just... hard..."
"I know..." Shinji replied. "Kaji was a good man..."
Misato felt her eyes begin to sting and the coffee cup before her started to get a little blurry. "Yeah..." she replied. "He was. As much as he pissed me off and scared me at times, really he was..."
Before either of them could respond footsteps caught Misato's attention. Asuka was awake. Misato quickly wiped her eyes and took a sip of her coffee in an attempt to compose herself before her redheaded ward appeared. She'd just managed to set her cup down on the table when Asuka appeared in the archway. "Hey..." the redhead greeted them, already dressed and ready to leave, a deep scowl on her face. "Are we going to NERV or what?"
Misato glanced at the time on the microwave before standing up and nodding at her ward. "Yes," she she replied. "We should be going soon."
"Wait, what?" Shinji spoke, looking and sounding confused. "We all have to go to headquarters?"
Misato shook her head and regarded him with a lopsided smile. "No," she replied to him. "Only Asuka and I. She has a special sync test scheduled. You have to go to school like usual."
Shinji's frown deepened. "School is canceled for the foreseeable future, on account of the damage to the city..." he muttered in response.
Misato's smile once again died. "Oh, well... then... I guess just hang around here and keep up on your studies," she replied quietly. "Just because school is out doesn't mean you should slack off."
Shinji scowled once again, looking down into his coffee cup. "Sure..." he replied. "I'll do that..."
Asuka folded her arms and leaned her shoulder against the archway between the kitchen and the living room. "Okay, are we going or what?" she huffed, her expression more a grimace than a frown. "I'm dressed and ready. Let's just get it over with..."
Misato nodded, her lips curving down ever so slightly. "Are you sure you're ready?" she asked, noting the girl's expression.
Asuka unfolded her arms and stepped forward, pushing past her into the hallway without a word. Misato cast one last look at Shinji. "See you later, kiddo," she said.
"Bye..." he replied, his gaze fixed on his coffee cup.
Misato then followed after Asuka, her frown deepening further. It was painfully obvious that the found family that the three of them had enjoyed for a little while was incredibly strained. It truly saddened her but there was nothing she could do but try and keep moving forward. She followed Asuka to the building's elevator and boarded beside her. The ride was silent as the grave. Upon exiting they walked silently to the parking lot and got in the car. Only then did Misato find the strength to speak. "Hey... I'm sorry..." she spoke quietly as she started the engine.
Asuka turned her head away and folded her arms once again. "I don't want to talk about it," she grumbled quietly. "I've got other shit on my mind anyway..."
Misato felt her heart sink into her stomach. "Look, I know you're mad at me," she continued, unwilling to accept the distance that seemed insurmountable. "I should have told you about Kaji and I shouldn't have yelled at you... it was wrong of me..."
Asuka seemed to tense up. "So what..." she murmured. "I don't want to talk about it. Just... don't talk to me right now..."
Misato wasn't sure how to continue after that and so she didn't. She dropped the topic and let silence envelope the car's cabin. The rest of the drive was made in silence and she could feel the gulf widening between the two of them the entire time.
She decided right then. She had to double down and get to the truth like Kaji had intended. Maybe if she did that then things would eventually mend, once she'd put a reason to all the suffering she and her two wards had been forced to endure. Maybe then it would all mean something. Maybe then she could finally be whole again...
The next step would be sneaking into Terminal Dogma and learning the secrets of the Evas and the Dummy System...
Asuka sat the entry plug, her eyes closed, trying her best to remain calm and steady her breathing, concentrating on the feeling of the LCL flowing into her lungs and creating little eddies around her face every time she exhaled. She was back in the cockpit once again, not that it mattered. She already knew how this test was going to turn out even though it hadn't even started. She could tell because of how the last few times had been, how the plug had felt to her. It felt cold, alien, and suffocating, the exact opposite of how it used to feel. The feeling of the LCL surrounding her used to feel so warm and comforting yet empowering. Now it was just... foreign, foreign in a way she couldn't put into words even if she tried.
"Alright Asuka," Dr. Akagi's voice crackled over the radio. "We're about to begin the test. Are you ready?"
Asuka grimaced. So it began... "Yeah..." she muttered. "I'm ready..."
There was a pause before Dr. Akagi spoke again. "Initiating primary connections," she stated. "Beginning testing sequence."
Asuka drew a deep breath and tried to reach out to the Eva, to bond with it as she once had, to exert her will over it as she once had. It only recoiled from her. She grit her teeth and tightened her grip on the control sticks in the cockpit, squeezing her eyes tightly shut. "This is pointless..." she hissed to herself. "This is so fucking pointless! I know you don't want me anymore, how come no one else can see it!? Why do I have to keep being humiliated!?"
"Asuka, you're slipping again," Dr. Akagi spoke over the radio. "Try and clear your mind."
Asuka ground her teeth together as she tried desperately to assert control. She keyed the mic. "It's not that easy!" she hissed.
"Asuka, breathe," Dr. Akagi said, clearly trying to sound reassuring. "Just breathe..."
Asuka sucked in a deep breath and let it out. She tried to focus on nothing but her breathing and the eddies swirling about her but the feeling of the walls of the plug closing in around her wouldn't leave her mind. All she could think of was her failures, her losses, the struggles and pain she'd experienced ever since coming to Tokyo 3... The coldness was inescapable.
She didn't know how long it was until the final readings came, she didn't care. She knew it wouldn't be good anyway so she gave in to apathy to try and spare herself the disappointment. "Final sync ratio... eight percent..." she heard Lt. Ibuki's voice sound over the intercom.
Asuka opened her eyes, her lip quivering, her eyes stinging. So much for apathy, it still hurt... "Eight percent?" she asked shakily.
"It's alright Asuka, we'll try again tomorrow," Misato tried to reassure her. "I'm sure you'll get back to normal soon."
Asuka bowed her head. She knew that both of them knew that was a lie...
Shinji paced trudged through the debris ridden streets amid the wreckage of broken buildings in the center of what had once been downtown Tokyo 3. After Misato and Asuka had left for NERV it didn't take long before he'd gotten restless being alone in the apartment and so he'd left to wander the city, or what was left of it, to pass the time and distract himself from his anxieties. However, when he came to the edge of the massive crater lake that had been caused by Unit 00's detonation where downtown used to be, the sight brought him right back to the things he'd been trying to distract himself from...
Seeing the city so completely devastated seemed almost like a metaphor for how shattered things were at his home, a macrocosm that analogized a microcosm. Where there had once been city streets and happy people, shops, and apartments there was nothing but emptiness, detritus, and ripples on a glassy lake. It reminded him of how the apartment he shared with Misato and Asuka used to be happy and lively but now felt empty and barren even though the three of them still occupied that space together. Just like the residents of the city, the three of them had withdrawn, not from the city but from each other... but the worst thing that the view of the lake before him reminded him of was his last conversation with Rei and the worry that exchange induced in him.
He sat down on a piece of debris on the edge of the lake and ran a hand through his hair, shaking his head and looking down at the shoreline. The anticipation and the dread in equal parts was killing him. Not knowing what it was she had to say for another few days was agonizing. He kept coming up short when trying to figure out whatever it was she wanted to tell him and that worried him. However, the fact that she'd said she wanted to accept his feelings reassured him. He'd never felt so confused about where he stood with Rei before... or with anyone for that matter. With Misato spending so much time alone in her room and Asuka being more guarded than ever he'd never felt so alone, at least not since before coming to Tokyo 3. How he'd survived with out others in his life before seemed like a complete mystery. It seemed unfathomable to do that again now... but that prospect, the prospect of everyone leaving him, felt like it was bearing down on him like an out of control train...
"Ikari?" a voice suddenly shook him from his contemplation. "Is that you?"
The voice startled him and made him flinch. He'd assumed he'd been alone having not seen another human being since he'd entered the city proper. Shinji turned to his side to find Nagisa standing a few meters away much to his surprise. "Oh, hey..." he replied, forcing a smile. "What are you doing out here, Nagisa?"
The pale boy stuffed his hands in his pockets and stared off over the crater lake's surface. "Probably the same thing you're doing," he returned softly, a contemplative frown on his face. "Taking a walk to clear my head..."
Shinji sighed, his frown deepening as he cast his own vision toward the lake. "Yeah, that's why I'm out here too..." he returned, unsure of what else to say.
Nagisa was silent for a few moments before he spoke again. "Care to share what's on your mind?" he asked.
Shinji bit the inside of his lip. He was casual friends with Nagisa but he wasn't sure he was comfortable talking to him about Rei and the complex situation he found himself in with her... "Things have been strained at home," he replied. It was half the truth at least, hopefully he'd accept it...
"Between you and Soryu-san?" he asked.
Shinji nodded, keeping his gaze fixed ahead. "Yeah," he replied. "And my guardian too. It's been hard the last few weeks..."
"I can imagine," Nagisa stated softly in a melancholy tone. "The last few battles must have been hard on all of you. From what she told me, I know they were on Soryu-san..."
Shinji found that information just a little surprising. He knew that Nagisa and Asuka were friends but she'd barely talked to him about the past few battles at all... "She talked to you about them?" he inquired, turning to regard the pale boy.
Nagisa nodded, his gaze remaining fixed on the horizon in the distance. "Not much..." he replied. "But it's been easy to see that she's hurting in the times I've seen her since then, before them too really..."
That really piqued his interest. When had he seen her? He'd thought that she'd been staying with Horaki since the battle with the Angel in space? "When have you been seeing her?" he asked, an eyebrow arched in confusion.
Nagisa's expression gave away nothing. "I've been seeing her after school..." he replied, his gaze never leaving the horizon. "I'd say we've become... rather close..."
Shinji wasn't sure what to make of his words. He already assumed from what he'd observed between them at school that they were good friends. Why did he feel a need to assure him of that? It didn't matter he decided. The fact that Asuka had someone to support her that she was willing to actually lean on was a good thing. At the same time it saddened him, reminding him of how strained his friendship with her was... "That's good," he returned, forcing a smile. "I'm glad she lets you be there for her. She can be pretty guarded. Heck, she barely talks to me anymore..."
"I'm sorry," Nagisa returned. "That must be difficult considering you live with her."
Shinji nodded, a pang of dismay or perhaps regret rippling through his chest. "Yeah... it can be..." he murmured in response.
Silence hung in the air for a moment before Nagisa spoke again. "Ikari... can I ask you something?" he spoke softly.
Those words were so very unlike his usual cheery tone. They were hushed, timid, scared even. It made Shinji quite curious, curious enough that he couldn't help looking over concernedly. "Sure," he responded. "What?"
Nagisa turned his head and looked at him with a genuinely melancholy expression. "What does it feel like to love someone?" he inquired flatly.
Shinji's eyes went wide and his lips parted in surprise. That was not the kind of question he was expecting nor was it one he was in the least bit prepared for. He was about to deflect and voice his embarrassment with the question but something about the look on Nagisa's face stopped him from doing so. That genuinely curious and melancholy expression of his simply disarmed him. After a moment he put the inquiry into context with the earlier part of their conversation, or rather the parts pertaining to Asuka, and he understood...
He cast his eyes to the ground. He wasn't sure how to feel about Nagisa having a crush on Asuka but he supposed it wasn't his business. Still, that genuine melancholy on the other boy's face got him seriously thinking about the answer to the question he'd been presented with. All he had was his limited experience to go by and he'd never even kissed a girl though Asuka had presented him the chance to once. He thought about Rei and how he felt for her, what it meant, how those feelings made him feel, and gradually formed a response. "I- I guess it's like... I guess it's like you want to be around that person all the time, like, just being around them brightens your mood," he replied. "You think about them all the time and you can't picture life without them. There's more, but... I don't know, it's not easy to talk about these things..."
Nagisa regarded him with a contemplative expression before looking back toward the lake, shifting on his feet and bowing his head slightly. "I see..." he returned quietly. "That certainly gives me some insight..."
Shinji bit the inside of his lip. The tension was palpable in the air... "Well, uh... I'm glad, I guess..." he replied meekly. It was all he could think to say.
There was another pause that hung in the air. "Is that how you feel about Ayanami?" he asked.
Shinji immediately flinched and felt his cheeks getting a little warm, the question completely taking him off guard. Even so, he couldn't help but be honest. If everything worked out the way he wanted it to everyone would know eventually anyway... "Y- yeah..." he replied, crossing his arms and tugging at his sleeves. "It is..."
Nagisa stood silently for a moment. "Have you told her these things?" he asked.
Shinji shifted uncomfortably, regarding the pale teen with a nervous expression. He supposed it was good to talk about stuff like this but he was still profoundly uncomfortable with it... "I, uh... kinda," he replied. "It's complicated..."
"I suppose love is complicated..." Nagisa returned softly, turning his gaze skyward, that melancholy expression if his seeming to become even more pronounced. "Connecting with other people is a difficult thing..."
Shinji's lips curved downward, his heart feeling a bit heavy. He definitely understood exactly where Nagisa was coming from... "Yeah," he murmured in response. "It definitely can be..."
Nagisa breathed a heavy sigh and turned his head to face him, that usual playful grin of his returning to his features. Even if he was smiling it was painfully obvious to tell that it was forced and fake. "Well, I won't bother you any longer," he stated simply. "Take care, Shinji-kun..."
Shinji nodded respectfully. "Alright, see you around," he returned.
With that, Nagisa continued on his way, leaving Shinji alone once again by the shoreline of the lake. He breathed a sigh and shook his head, bracing his elbow on his knee and resting his forehead in his hand. He felt bad for it, but it made him feel a little better about his situation that he wasn't the only one who had difficulty talking about their feelings. Even so... the dread for whatever it was Rei needed to say to him wouldn't go away...
Oh well, at least Asuka had someone she could be happy with, if she could just find it in herself to let go of her pride and arrogance enough to see it. Then again, she was just as bad as he was coming to terms with her emotions as he was if not worse.
"Why is happiness such a difficult thing?" Shinji muttered to himself.
The echoing of the wind across the water and the ruins was all that answered him...
Rei lay in her hospital bed, staring up at the awful white foam ceiling tiles, feeling more and more restless hour by hour, minute by minute. Her back hurt too much to get up and move around, even pacing around the room was quite painful, but she so desperately wanted to do anything but just lay there and stew in her thoughts and anxieties. To think that it had only been a day and she had at least another two or three left before Ritsuko was comfortable with letting her go home...
Then again... when she did finally get the all clear to leave she had to face Shinji. The more she thought about what she was going to do the more it instilled fear. It was perhaps as terrifying as fighting the last Angel in some ways. The very thought of taking him down to Terminal Dogma alone and showing him the truth about her origins and her... biology, made her limbs tremble and made it hard to breathe if she thought on it too long. Still... she had to come clean, regardless of what came of it she owed it to Shinji to be honest, and the only way he'd believe her was if she showed him rather than simply telling him. It weighed on her so very much. She'd give anything to have a television or a book or... anything to keep her mind occupied while she rested and recovered.
Suddenly the door to her room opened and in stepped Ritsuko. Rei breathed a sigh of relief. Finally she had some company and someone to talk to... "Hi, Ritsuko-san," she greeted with a smile. "How are you?"
Ritsuko smiled and let out a little laugh as she stepped over to her bed and sat down upon it. "I should be the one asking you that," she replied. "How's your back?"
Rei sat up, wincing as she did. "It's better than yesterday," she returned. "But it's still quite painful."
"Understandable," Ritsuko returned, patting her on the knee. "Other than that, are you doing alright kiddo?"
Rei felt her lips twitch upwards. Kiddo... it was a pleasant term of endearment. To think that months ago she'd been so afraid of Ritsuko, that the faux blonde had despised her, and now they were so very close with one another... "I'm doing okay," she replied, fidgeting with her blankets. "I'm just... nervous about a lot of things..."
"About telling Shinji the truth?" Ritsuko returned.
Rei nodded. "Yeah..." she murmured. "That most of all..."
Ritusko reached up and clasped her hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. "I get it," she replied. "I do..."
Rei drew a deep breath and let it out. If she let the conversation linger on that topic then she'd only make herself more anxious "How soon until I'm cleared to leave this ward?" she inquired after a moment of pause.
Ritsuko regarded her with a melancholy smile "I suppose I could discharge you now since there's no risk of contamination from the most recent Angel," she replied. "But what good would that be when you're still nearly immobile? Have you been able to get up and move around at all?"
Rei nodded, wincing as she did. "I've tried walking around but the pain makes that rather difficult," she returned.
"Well I suppose it will be that way for a while," Ritsuko stated. "You really are lucky nothing was fractured in the ejection, or to have survived for that matter."
Rei cast her gaze down at her knees, remembering the battle and shuddering. "This is very true..." she murmured softly. She wanted to change the topic. Ruminating on that incident would do nothing but increase her anxieties when they already were running high. Then again, the only thing she could think to ask was just as anxiety inducing. She needed to know if Nagisa had been selected as a pilot yet... "Has anything happened since yesterday? Any new developments?"
"Do you mean in regards to the combat team?" Ritsuko responded.
Rei regarded the faux blonde with a nervous expression. "Yes..." she returned quietly, dreading the answer that would follow.
Ritsuko breathed a heavy sigh, a frown taking shape on her lips. "The Committee... SEELE wants to replace Asuka as the pilot of Unit 02 for reasons we already know," she replied. "However, Commander Ikari managed to convince them to hold off for a few days in order to give Asuka time to recover her scores."
Rei frowned and her eyebrows knit up. "I doubt it will do anything to change things..." she muttered bitterly.
"I have my doubts too," Ritsuko responded, giving her hand another gentle squeeze. "The test we ran today wasn't promising, but it doesn't hurt to hope."
Rei's frown shifted into a genuine scowl. "You and I both know that SEELE will find a way to force Nagisa into the pilot roster if they are so determined..." she murmured in response. "It's inevitable..."
"I suppose so," Ritsuko replied. "But you said it yourself that he does not wish to carry out their designs. Perhaps we can figure a way to assist him to that end?"
Rei nodded, her lip twitching upwards. "That is correct," she stated quietly, but her smile didn't last "So perhaps there is hope... but I'll admit that isn't my main worry at this time..."
There was a pause before Ritsuko responded. "You're worried about showing Shinji the truth, aren't you?" she inquired in a sympathetic tone.
Rei nodded again, fidgeting with her blanket. "I- I am..." she replied, stammering a bit. "B- but I know I must... he deserves to know, especially considering our feelings for one another appear to be mutual. It wouldn't be right to... I- initiate a... romantic relationship before he knows wh- what I am..."
"That's very mature of you, Rei..." Ritsuko responded warmly.
Rei closed her eyes and tried to suppress the fear of Shinji's rejection so she could continue speaking. "Still... I'm worried about what he will say," she continued. "I doubt he'll believe me if I simply tell him and showing him everything could easily leave him... disgusted with me."
"There is that possibility, yes," Ritsuko replied. "But he's a good boy. I doubt he'll be unable to reconcile with it."
Rei drew a deep breath, wishing she could believe the faux blonde's reassurances. "Will you come with me?" she asked. "Wh- when I tell him?"
"Of course, Rei," Ritsuko replied warmly. "I'll be there for you."
Rei couldn't help but smile. "Thank you, Risuko-san..." she returned. It didn't do much to relieve her worries but it was something. She supposed that was as good as it would get until the moment of truth that would come in the next few days...
Ritsuko strode through the corridors of headquarters on the way back to her office having left the medical ward some time ago. She was glad that Rei was feeling a bit better than the previous day and she felt confident with discharging her soon. She felt so much sympathy for the blue haired girl. As soon as she was out of the hospital she'd be going right into another justifiably stressful situation. She smiled softly to herself as she walked. It might have been vain, but she found it rather sweet that Rei wanted her to come with her when she told Shinji about her origins. It genuinely showed how much Rei had grown to trust her. It was a testament to just how far the two of them had come from just a few months ago...
She rounded a corner and to her surprise there was Gendo heading towards her, his hands in his pockets, his expression appearing troubled. Instantly he noticed her and stopped in his tracks, his lip twitching upwards. "Greetings, Dr. Akagi," he stated simply. "You seem to be in a good mood."
Ritsuko's cheerful smile fell away at that statement, unsure of what to say, her cheeks feeling a bit warm. She really liked Gendo being more outwardly friendly... "I suppose I am," she replied. "I just finished checking on Rei. She's doing well."
Gendo nodded. "I suppose that is one thing we can console ourselves with," he returned. "Considering the Second Child's synchronization scores..."
Ritsuko's lip twitched upwards. "I like to take the good with the bad, sir," she replied.
His lips mirrored her own. "I'm... grateful for your concern towards Rei," he replied. "I was actually on my way to see her."
Indeed, she very much liked seeing this side of him... "She really is a sweet girl in spite of what she's been through," she responded.
Gendo cast his gaze to the side and instantly that soft, pleasant pleasant grin he wore evaporated. He breathed a heavy sigh after a moment and stepped past her. "Carry on, Dr. Akagi," he spoke softly as he walked away, his back to. "And thank you once again..."
Ritsuko wanted to call after him but she couldn't bring herself to. She knew that her final statement to him had struck a nerve. It made her feel guilty, but at the same time seeing him react like that kinda made her feel warm inside. It showed he actually did care about Rei and was remorseful for how he'd treated her. It made her want him more than she ever had...
After a moment she continued on her way towards her office, her mind swimming in thoughts surrounding the supreme commander of NERV...
Gendo stood outside the door to Rei's hospital room, trying to collect himself after his short conversation with Dr. Akagi. He knew that she hadn't intended to do it, but her pointing out the things Rei had been through filled him with shame because he knew that those ordeals she'd experienced were due almost entirely to his actions. How she didn't completely despise him he didn't understand, but he was grateful for it. He knew that any action he could take to make up for his ill treatment of her over the years would never be enough, but he accepted that... He took a deep breath and turned the handle on the door, poking his head into the room.
He found her laying on her side, facing the window and away from him. "Rei, may I come in?" he asked. Respecting her right to privacy was a small step, but a step none the less...
She turned over and sat up in bed, wincing as she did so, before nodding her head. "You may," she replied evenly, looking a tad confused.
He stepped into the room and moved closer to her but kept his distance a few meters away from the bed. "Dr. Akagi states you're doing well," he said. "That's good. I'm glad."
Rei looked downward. "I do feel better than yesterday, but I am rather sore even now," she replied quietly. "I... appreciate your concern, sir..."
Gendo smiled a melancholy smile. It felt nice to be appreciated... he'd missed that feeling. "I gladly extend it," he returned warmly.
Rei fidgeted with the sheet on the bed. "H- have you spoken to Shinji since yesterday?" she inquired after a moment.
His eyes widened. That genuinely surprised him, he hadn't been expecting for her to make such an inquiry. "I haven't," he replied. "Has he spoken to you?"
Rei continued fidgeting with her sheet. "I would assume he'd appreciate hearing from you..." she returned. "And no, he hasn't..."
Gendo thought on those words, his lips curving downward. It was very true that he hadn't managed to find much time for Shinji in recent days in the wake of the previous two Angel attacks. He knew that there was much to discuss too, his son certainly still had questions regarding what he'd seen in Terminal Dogma. Perhaps he should invite him to his office and play a game of shogi with him. It had been a while since they'd last partook in that activity and both of them seemed to enjoy it... "I suppose I should," he replied before levying his own inquiry. Clearly she seemed disappointed that he hadn't visited her or spoken to her since Unit 00's destruction. "Did something happen between the two of you?"
Rei shook her head. "No," she replied quietly. "It's... hard to explain."
Gendo couldn't help but feel concern. "Would you like to speak on the matter?" he asked.
Rei looked down at fidgeted with her sheet some more. "I would prefer not to..." she returned softly.
Gendo found her response rather curious. It was clear that there was something serious going on between her and his son but he didn't want to jump to conclusions. It could simply be a misunderstanding between friends and comrades but... something told him it was more than that. It wasn't important though. He had his suspicions that the two of them harbored feelings greater than friendship but he wouldn't intervene even if he found it a bit distasteful. The genetic similarities between his son and Rei were within socially acceptable bounds even if Rei shared Yui's face... "I see..." he replied. "I'll respect your right to privacy then."
Rei's lips curved upwards but she didn't look up, continuing to fidget with the sheets on her bed. "Thank you, sir," she replied. "I appreciate that..."
Gendo nodded, stuffing his hands back into his pockets. "I'll leave you be then," he stated as he turned to leave the room. "Rest easy and get well."
He left without waiting for her reply.
Shinji had decided to go home not long after Nagisa had gone on his way. The conversation they'd had lingered in his mind as he made his way back to Misato's apartment. On the one had it was a bit of a consolation that he wasn't the only one in a confusing situation with a girl, but on the other hand he felt sympathy both Nagisa and for Asuka. He doubted that Asuka had any idea that Nagisa felt the way he did for her and he doubted that Nagisa was the kind of guy to try and make her aware, just like how he'd been for so long with Rei. It was further proof of just how difficult relationships, platonic or otherwise, could really be...
Soon enough he was back in the vicinity of home, only a few blocks away. It was then that his cell phone began to ring. "Hello?" he answered, stopping at a street corner.
"Shinji, how are you?" his father's voice sounded in his ear.
Even now that their relationship had greatly improved in recent months his father calling him still caused him to feel a bit anxious. "I'm okay," he replied, trying to sound composed. "How are you?"
"Well enough," his father returned. "It's... been a while since we've had a moment to converse. Would you like to meet tomorrow over a game of shogi?"
Shinji felt his stomach do a flip. He was happy that his father wanted to see him but he couldn't help but think of all the secrets that had been kept from him, like the giant in the basement... Still, it would be nice to see him and play a game of shogi. Perhaps they could discuss those things that worried him and keep making steps forward, whatever that meant. "Sure," he replied. "I- I'd like that."
"Good," his father returned. "I'll see you in the afternoon. Take care, Shinji."
"Take care, father..." Shinji responded.
The line went dead after that and Shinji stuffed his phone back into his pocket. He couldn't help but smile to himself as he continued on his walk home. At the very least seeing his father would help keep his mind off of whatever if was that Rei needed to tell him...
It was getting late, not that it mattered. She'd been laying atop her bed and staring up at the ceiling ever since she'd gotten home from NERV after the sync test except to eat dinner with Shinji and Misato. That hadn't gone very well either. Shinji asked her how the test went and she'd simply gotten up and left her half eaten plate to go back to her room. It was better than admitting to him just how horribly the test had gone and her shame in regards to it.
Asuka turned over on her side and looked out the window at the view of the inky black void that was the night sky. Knowing that she'd have to go back to NERV tomorrow and try again with probably the same result, and keep doing for the next few days, filled her with overwhelming dread. Not to mention that but... the bed felt so empty. After laying next to Kaworu the silence of her own room was so... alienating. The more she ruminated on it the more she regretted just screwing off the way she had. Even more so, she regretted leaving in the first place and not confronting her feelings for him...
Sure, there was a strong possibility that he would reject her, just like Kaji had, just like Shinji had, but there was a possibility that he wouldn't. She didn't want to risk that. She didn't want to be left cold and alone the way she'd felt for so much of her life again so what was the point in trying to find some semblance of warmth with him? She didn't want to let herself be vulnerable. She didn't want to let herself be empty, more empty than she already was, the way she'd felt after her mother had killed herself... She didn't want to chance that, and yet she wanted him. She wanted that warmth, to be held, to be caressed, to be loved by him. She hated that feeling. She hated how he made her feel. She just... hated herself for feeling so conflicted.
"Why does everything have to fall apart all at once?" she murmured to herself. "Why does it always have to be so difficult?"
It was then that her cell phone began to ring from where she'd left it on her nightstand. She rolled over and eyed the device with curiosity. Who the hell would be calling her at this late of an hour? She reached over and grabbed the phone. "Hello?" she answered.
"Soryu-san, are you well?" Kaworu's voice sounded in her ear.
Her heart instantly skipped a beat. What should she say? What could she say? Why was she freezing up right now? "I- I'm okay..." she replied. "Why are you calling me at this hour?"
"I... just wanted to know if you were alright," he replied nervously. "Is that okay?"
Asuka felt heat in her cheeks and pushed the phone tighter to her ear. Maybe he could forgive her for walking out on him the way she did. Maybe... maybe he actually felt the same way she did. "It's fine," she returned after a moment. "I'm... trying my best. How are you?"
"I'm alright..." he replied softly, somberly. "I had an... interesting conversation with Shinji-kun today."
Asuka instantly felt an icy chill up her spine. She scowled as she held the phone to her ear. Why did he call Shinji by his first name and not her? "You saw Shinji?" she inquired, her tone slipping a little bit toward accusatory in nature.
"I did..." Kaworu responded quietly. "I ran into him amid the ruins while taking a walk. We... talked about a few things. He helped me gain perspective on something..."
Asuka's venom subsided hearing the way he said that. He sounded scared, vulnerable, just like she was... "Did he now?" she returned.
"Yes..." Kaowru replied. "He did..."
Curiosity got the better of her. "What about?" she asked.
"Just... some things..." he replied softly, somberly. "I just... want to make sure you're alright..."
Again that warm and tender feeling filled her chest. To think that he'd called her just to make sure she was alright... it filled her with such warmth. Perhaps she could actually love him and not lose him the way she had everyone else. After all, he hadn't judged her or pushed her away the way everyone else had... "Thank you..." she returned, a smile taking shape on her face. "I'm alright, all things considered. Thank you for your concern..."
"I can't help it..." he replied. "You... you mean a lot to me..."
The warmth in her chest and her cheeks intensified. "Y- you mean a lot to me too..." she stuttered in response. "Th- thank you for your concern..."
He audibly sighed over the line. "I'm glad you're okay..." he responded after a moment. "Sleep well, Soryu-san..."
"Yeah..." she replied, her smile falling away. Why couldn't he just call her by her name? "Sleep well, Kaworu-kun..."
He hung up after that and she let the phone fall beside her pillow with a heavy sigh as she played over everything he'd said to her. "Why is it all so difficult?" she asked herself aloud.
Nothing but silence answered her...
Kaworu set the phone down on his nightstand and stared up at the ceiling above his bed. He was happy that he'd ascertained that Asuka was alright but he still felt an aching in his chest. The conversation he'd had with Shinji-kun weighed heavy on his mind throughout the rest of the day It hurt... it hurt to think that he'd grown such an attachment to Asuka of his own volition rather than the imprinting of his feelings from Ayanami. Still, what Shinji-kun had summed up as the feeling of love during their brief conversation fit his emotions toward the brash redheaded girl. He found it so very appalling and yet so very fitting at the same time. It scared him. It filled him with worry and anxiety the likes of which he didn't understand.
He breathed a heavy sigh and brought his forearm up to his eyes as if to hide from the world. Thinking over what Shinji-kun said, about what it meant to love someone... it fit. It described exactly how he felt for Asuka and that terrified him. It scared the hell out of him. Knowing what he was, that he wasn't human, and feeling such a genuine human emotion was overwhelming. Knowing that he might have to carry out SEELE's orders and die for their futile, infantile dream made him want to give in to despair. Knowing that he would only hurt her if he told her and that such a sacrifice would already probably hurt her made his heart ache. He'd never felt so strongly about anyone, not even Shinji-kun, and that overwhelmed him. Sure, he might still find a way to defy his fate and live, to live like a normal human, but those odds were long, nigh impossible... he hated that. He hated that his time was coming and he had no idea how to overcome that reality...
He felt a stinging in his eyes and a cold stream sliding down the sides of his cheeks. Tears... he was weeping. It was the same feeling as when Ayanami's feelings had been imprinted onto him while fighting his sibling in the original timeline. "This is what it feels like to despair..." he murmured to himself, grimacing as he did. "These are tears..."
And for the first time, they were his own...
Author's notes
Sincerest apologies for how long this one took. I've been going through a lot as of late which has made progress difficult. I hope all of you understand. Trust and believe though, I will never give up on this story. It will be finished sooner or later, hopefully sooner, should the stars ever align.
That said, again, apologies that the big moment teased in chapter 48 didn't arrive in this one. Since this story is so vast and expansive with its side plots it was necessary to draw it out. I hope that the scenes with Gendo, Kaji, and Shikishima satisfied. By the way, I hope that the little homage to HBO's Chernobyl in this chapter is appreciated. I found myself chuckling quite a bit as I pieced that together.
In other news... I will be updating this story's rating to M when I finish/upload chapter 50. The reason for this is two-fold. One, I've recieved a few reviews reccomending I do so, and two, some of the scenes and themes I intend to explore in coming chapters make a T rating absolutely untenable going forward. I hope everyone understands and I hope this warning is enough for guest readers. So, if this story does not appear in the main feed anymore, you know why.
I'll leave you with a quote from Berserk's Skull knight... "You are reaching the end of your journey... it is not always a happy thing..."
Please read and review! Thank you all for supporting me on this journey!
Regards,
A.F.