The Girl Who Shouted I At The Heart Of The World

by A.F. Oliver

Few get a second chance at living, let alone two or three. Rei Ayanami never knew what to do with the lives she had until it was too late. Getting another chance at living could mean a world of difference. After all, life is an ever changing thing and even the smallest of changes can reverberate across the world.

50. Tears

Chapter 50 – Tears

Neither Misato, Asuka, or himself had spoken since the three of them left the house to head to NERV. Shinji noted that these such car rides to and from headquarters in the last few days had been just about the only interaction the three of them had together anymore. It definitely wasn't pleasant form of interaction either, every time it was one filled with tension and silence throughout. Though it was bad the previous day, today the atmosphere in the car was positively suffocating, and there was nothing he could do to alleviate that feeling. All he could do was sit there and take it until the three of them arrived at NERV. He was certain that whatever he might try to say to improve the mood would just make it worse. After all, he knew what was on the line for Asuka at present, that she might lose her position as a pilot after today, something she held very dear to her...

"So Shinji," Misato spoke up, shattering the silence in the car. "Are you seeing your dad again today?"

"Yeah," Shinji responded with a nod, trying to force a smile. "I was planning to."

"Since you're going to be at NERV, are you going to visit Rei?" Misato pressed.

Shinji flinched in his seat and looked down at his knees. He wanted to and yet the way that he'd left things with her when he'd last saw her still worried him. Those last words that they'd exchanged haunted him more and more the longer he went without seeing her or speaking to her but the anxiety he felt about the conversation she wanted to have with him was too strong... "I don't know..." he murmured in response.

"How supportive of you, Third..." Asuka hissed under her breath, butting into the conversation. "Can't spare even a minute to come to the test?"

Those words stung. He knew she had a point but... wouldn't him being there when she wasn't doing all that well just upset her even more? Asuka was always weird like that... "I assumed you wouldn't want me there..." he returned quietly.

"Well I don't," she huffed in response. "So you were right..."

Shinji bit his lip. "Well... good luck anyway..." he replied.

"Thanks..." Asuka returned after a moment. "I know you don't care, but thanks..."

His frown deepened. He did care and so did Misato. He hated seeing her so down on herself. How come she was just so blind to the people around her supporting her. How come she couldn't realize that both he and Misato cared about her like a family, even if that family structure got more and more strained by the day? Part of him wanted to try and point this out to her, but he just sat there in silence, unable to speak. Maybe it was because he couldn't find the words and maybe it was because he resented her comment just a little. She had so many people who cared about her, including someone who possibly liked her the way he liked Rei. To think that her dedication to Eva outweighed all of that and made those bonds impossible to see was incredibly disheartening...

Misato let out a sigh. "Look, Asuka, I know you're going through a lot of stress right now, but try not to take it out on Shinji, huh?" she spoke softly.

Asuka shifted in her seat. Though he couldn't see her very well from where he could assume she'd just crossed her arms. "Fine..." she grumbled. "Besides, it's better if Shinji isn't around to see me fail again today. It's bad enough you have to be there..."

"Asuka, I know you can do it," Misato stated softly. "You just need to push through that block you're having..."

Asuka snorted. "You think I haven't been fucking trying?" she hissed. "I've been giving it everything I have and nothing seems to work!"

Misato said nothing in response and silence hung in the car. Shinji knew that Asuka was having a rough time with her Eva but he hadn't really asked her about it. Misato said nothing in response to her and the silence dragged on and on... He bit his lip and turned his gaze out the window. He genuinely wished he had brought his SDAT player for the car ride, the tension was just too much. It made him want to block out the world the way he used to.

His thoughts drifted to the visits he'd been having with his father in the last few days. The games of shogi had provided a nice distraction but his father remained evasive on the topics he really wanted to discuss. Still, he would take what he could get. At the very least, of all the crazy things going on in his life, at least his relationship with his father was actually getting better. It made him wonder if maybe one day he could actually forgive him for sending him away. It made him wonder if one day they could actually be like a real family...

---

It was fifth day of Synchronization testing and Asuka sat in the entry plug of Unit 02 feeling absolutely and completely dejected. Every single day for the last four days she'd been losing ground with her sync ratio no matter how hard she tried to find something to tether onto in the plug, something to link with, but it withdrew every time she tried. Now... now was her last shot to make any form of improvement. She had to try, she had to try harder than she'd ever tried before. If she failed then she'd lose her position as a pilot and she'd have nothing left...

Nothing left except Kaworu.

She supposed it was a bitter consolation, the idea of giving in to her feelings for him. If she couldn't get her damned Eva to work anymore then what else did she have to lose by admitting it to herself and to him? Her pride and her image were already completely destroyed so why not just take a consolation prize if it was available. Then again... that notion existed on the supposition that there was that option. If she did actually confess to him and he rejected her then she really would have nothing left, nothing to rely on, nothing to look forward but an empty life of failure and shame...

At least Shinji and Rei weren't watching her right now. If she failed in front of them then that would absolutely push her over the edge, having her one time friends staring at her with such horrible pity would truly tear it for her. Then again, it also hurt that neither of them came to encourage her. Rei had a good excuse being in the hospital but Shinji sure as hell didn't. Hell, he was at NERV right now, but the little shit was spending time with his asshole dad instead. Even though she hated having his pity she still wanted his support as a friend. It was further evidence that no one actually ever cared about her, no one except a pale boy with white hair...

"Asuka, we're about to begin the test," Dr. Akagi's voice sounded in the cockpit. "This is the last one so give it your all, okay?"

Her breath caught in her throat. As if she needed any harsh reminders of what was at stake, of what was about to end for her. Even though Dr. Akagi's tone sounded like she was trying to be comforting it still stung. "I'll do my best..." she growled, bowing her head, trying not to let herself cry.

"Just relax and try to breathe," Misato responded over the frequency. "You can do it, Asuka..."

She was lying, it was so fucking obvious. She knew that she wasn't going to be able to pull it off, they both did... "Whatever, just start the test..." she grumbled, closing her eyes and breathing deeply. It did nothing to steady her pounding heart.

"Beginning the test," Dr. Akagi's voice rang in the plug. "Initiate primary connections..."

Asuka gripped the controls in the plug tightly. "Come on..." she hissed, her heart threatening to leap out of her chest as that horrible cold feeling closed in around her. "Come on..."

The icy cold feeling in her chest only intensified. Never before had the plug felt more alien. It was rejecting her again just like she knew it would, the stupid machine! Hot, angry tears began to well up in her eyes. "Just let me in, dammit!" she snarled under her breath, her body starting to shake from the strain of holding her emotions back. "Just let me in like you used to! If you don't then I'll lose everything I am..."

There was no response to that. If anything, the Eva seemed to withdraw from her further. She yanked on the control sticks and let out a growl of frustration through her teeth. "No!" she spat, her voice rising to an anguished howl. "You can't run away from me you big stupid machine! Why can't I control you! Why can't I have control!"

She'd lost control of her Eva. She'd lost control of her emotions. She'd lost control of her relationships. She'd lost control of her life. She hated feeling this way. She hated feeling so worthless and impotent. She hated feeling so useless and pathetic. She hated every last second of it and she wanted it to end. She wanted to run away, to Kaworu or otherwise. She wanted to get away from everyone and everything and never have to think about her problems again. She just wanted to escape...

"Asuka, you need to calm down," Dr. Akagi's voice rang nervously in the cockpit.

Asuka shook her head, wincing. "I can't..." she whimpered. "I can't do it..."

"Asuka, this is your last chance..." Misato's voice sounding in the plug, dripping with concern. "Come on, you can do this..."

Asuka shook her head. The Eva had completely and totally cut her off, just like how her mother had completely and totally cut her off and rejected her. "I'm trying!" she cried. "The fucking thing won't let me!"

The plug got colder and more isolating still. It was like the Eva completely resented her. It was like it hated her. She hated that feeling. It had never used to feel that way but now it was just like when her mother had pushed her away when she'd lost her mind. The very sensation of sitting in the plug's seat was the same exact feeling she'd had as a small lonely child visiting her maniac of a mother. It scared her. It hurt her. She hated it. She grit her teeth and flexed her muscles, calling upon all of her remaining resolve to once again bend Unit 02 to her will...

"Final synchronization ratio... Zero point zero percent..." came the voice of Lt. Ibuki in her cockpit.

Asuka's blood froze and her heart filled with ice. Zero percent... it was over. Her time as a pilot had come to an end... "Dammit..." she whimpered. "Dammit all to hell..."

She felt hot tears slipping down her cheeks and she buried her face in her hands. Her image of herself had been destroyed, her pride decimated, everything she'd built up for herself was gone... She hated this feeling. All she had left to take any kind of comfort and warmth in was Kaworu and that was still an uncertainty...

---

The synchronization test was over and Asuka had failed. Misato stood in Ritsuko's office having been summoned there by her estranged friend to talk about any options that were available to them. "So... Asuka is no longer able to pilot..." she muttered softly.

"Yes..." Ritsuko muttered, lighting a cigarette a taking a stiff drag. "It would sure seem that way. I've already informed the Marduk Institute."

Misato scowled and folded her arms. She hated whenever Ritsuko mentioned that farce. She knew damn well that she was the one behind the scenes pulling the strings, that that organization existed in name only. "So what do we do now, huh?" she huffed. "Rei's still recovering and that leaves Shinji to fight the Angels alone..."

"Rei's been making progress, I'd actually planned to release her today," Ritsuko replied, shooting her a glare before looking away, her cigarette clamped between her teeth. "However, I wouldn't be surprised if the Fifth Child is selected soon..."

Misato bit her lip. A new pilot being selected would mean a whole slew of problems. Training someone new at such short notice wouldn't be insurmountable if she had at least two operational Evas to pull from but with just one it was certainly a delicate situation. "I see..." she muttered. "Any idea for candidates?"

Ritsuko frowned. "The Marduk Institute will figure that out," she replied. "For now it's out of my hands..."

Misato's lip curled. The way she said that made it seem like she wasn't actually the one in control... but if she wasn't then who was? Who were the people that were actually bankrolling NERV, these SEELE people in Kaji's notes, and what did they want? She strongly suspected that the faux blonde knew. She resented Ritsuko for withholding the truth from her... "Yeah... I guess so..." she muttered.

She remembered the notes Kaji had made about the secrets in the depths of Terminal Dogma and instantly her focus shifted. Her eyes scanned across Ritsuko's desk and landed upon the key-card sitting brazenly out in the open. She could probably swipe if while Ritsuko wasn't looking and then she'd definitely have access to the depths. Then she could learn those secrets and finish Kaji's work... "So..." Misato continued speaking. "How's Rei doing?"

"She's definitely improved," Ritsuko replied, a faraway look in her eyes. "I was probably going to discharge her today..."

Misato nodded, learning on the desk, placing her hand a few centimeters away from the key-card. "That's good," she returned, inching her hand toward the card. "Is it possible to assign her as Unit 02's pilot then?"

Ritsuko glanced at her momentarily, shaking her head before looking back toward the door to her office. "No," she replied quietly, bitterly even. "I doubt that the powers that be will approve of that..."

Misato closed her hand around the key-card and slipped it off the desk, glad that her estranged friend hadn't noticed. "And why is that?" she asked, stuffing both her hands into her jacket's pockets.

Ritsuko let out a wry chuckle. "I just... have a feeling," she replied. "It would definitely be easier if that could happen though..."

Misato sighed. "Yeah, it definitely would be," she returned. "Why waste time training another pilot when we have one ready?"

Ritsuko took a pull on her cigarette. "As I said, that's not our choice to make," she replied. "We just have to wait until the Marduk Institute renders a decision on the matter..."

Misato would have loved to just throw it in her face that she knew the Marduk Institute was a fraud but she knew it wasn't the time or the place. Telling Ritsuko off about how much she'd lied to her could wait until after she'd fully uncovered the truth... "I suppose you're right..." she muttered darkly.

Ritsuko took another drag off her cigarette. "How's Shinji?" she asked. "How's he been taking everything that's been going on?"

Misato was actually a little surprised that Ritsuko had interest or concern for the boy. She'd only rarely asked about him since she'd taken him in. "He's doing as best as he can I think," she replied. "He came with me to NERV today. I think he's been spending time with his father over the last few days."

Though she was facing to the side, Misato could see the smallest hint of a smile on Ritsuko's lips. "That's good to hear," she murmured softly. "It's good they've been getting along. It's certainly an improvement for them compared to when that boy first came here."

Misato agreed. "Yeah," she replied. "I suppose that's true..."

Ritsuko snubbed her cigarette in her ashtray and stood up. "Well, I'm going to go see Rei," she stated. "Talk again soon, Misato."

Misato pushed off the desk and followed her to the door. "Yeah... I guess so..." she returned bitterly, the frustration at all of the various situations at hand getting the best of her in that moment.

Ritsuko paused at the door. "You know, I don't like the situation we're facing any more than you do..." she stated quietly. "Just... understand that, okay?"

It would seem that Ritsuko had picked up on the venom in her voice. It sounded like she was being genuine too. Perhaps she was just at swept up in the madness of NERV as she had been... Misato bit her lip and looked down at the ground. "Yeah..." she replied. "I get it.

Regardless... she was going to get to the truth one way or another. She owed it to Kaji. She owed it to herself. She owed it to her father and the world at large...

---

"You're getting better," Gendo spoke, hiding his smile behind his gloves as he watched his son make a move. "Your opening is much less predictable this time..."

For the last few days the two of them had met thrice over games of shogi as time had allowed and Gendo genuinely enjoyed the interaction with his son more and more every time they played. His son had definitely been becoming a better strategist in regards to how he played the board. Hell, he wouldn't be to surprised if his son actually won a game sooner or later. It made him feel proud, not that he had any shortage of things to feel proud of Shinji for. His son was becoming quite a noble man, more so than he could have ever hoped to be. It felt good. It felt good to know that his son was surpassing him in all the ways that he'd failed...

Shinji smiled as he made a move, sliding a tile across the board. "I learned from you," he replied. "You play the person across from you, not the board, right?"

Gendo nodded from behind his gloves, his smile widening for a moment. He had to admit that that even though he'd been enjoying their meetings it was still a bit... awkward. It was something totally out of his element. He'd never been good at such casual or friendly or familial things and as much as he hated to admit it at times like this it showed. "Indeed that is the case," he replied before reaching out and countering Shinji's play.

Shinji's smile faded. "Hey... I know we've been enjoying these games in the last few days but... you still haven't told me why that creature... that Angel is hidden here," he returned.

Now it was Gendo's turn to frown. Indeed he hadn't told him over the past three days of playing games and catching up. He'd admit that he was putting off that conversation, usually by asking his son about how things were at the Katsuragi residence of how he was handling not having school, but that could only go so far. If he didn't at least offer a baseline explanation then it would only breed resentment and their relationship had endured enough of that over the years... "As I said, it was always here," he returned quietly, studying the board. "NERV headquarters was built around it."

"Why is that?" Shinji asked. "How come it hasn't just been destroyed already?"

Gendo sighed behind his gloves. He knew that if he explained it in detail that his son would be shocked, angry, fearful, or a mix of those things... "That's a complicated question, Shinji," he replied. "One with an equally complicated answer. The shortest answer is that it helps to function as bait to lure the other Angels here among other strategic purposes."

Shinji studied the board, his frown deepening. "I see..." he replied seeming to accept this explanation even if it wasn't entirely the truth. "I guess that explains why all the Angels have been coming here."

"Indeed," Gendo returned, inwardly feeling relief that his son didn't seem to be pressing the matter. He decided to change the subject back to something... safer. "How have things been at the apartment?"

Shinji bit his lip and made a move on the board. "It's the same as it's been the last few days... no one really talks about anything," he replied. "We all just... kinda exist together these days. It's lonely."

Gendo understood fully what loneliness was and what it could do to a person... no matter. "I see..." he replied. "I can imagine that wears on you..."

Shinji nodded. "Yeah, it really does..." he replied.

It was then that the phone in his desk began to ring. Gendo instinctively opened the drawer and answered it. "Ikari speaking," he spoke into the receiver.

It was Fuyutsuki. "The Second Child's test results are in," the older man stated. "The committee wants to hold a meeting in regards to this immediately."

Gendo scowled. "Typical of those old men. I'll be there..." he growled, hanging up the phone and standing from his seat. He turned to his son. "I do apologize but we must cut this game short. I've been summoned to a meeting by the committee that oversees NERV."

Shinji's eyes widened with curiosity. "Oh?" he asked, his eyes drifting down to the floor and to the side. "That sounds pretty important..."

Gendo felt a sudden twinge of regret for the fact that their meeting had to come to an end. The expression of disappointment on his son's face was plain to see. He chose his next words carefully. "Unfortunately so," he replied evenly. "However, I shall try my best to keep the meeting short. That said, I'll leave the board here and we shall finish this game later. Today even, should that please you."

Shinji seemed to perk up at that statement. "That would be nice..." Shinji replied, his lip twitching upward for just a moment. "I guess I'll hang around headquarters for a bit then."

Gendo nodded again. "Perhaps it will give you a chance to visit your friend Rei," he stated evenly.

Shinji smiled, looking just a little bit uncomfortable. "Yeah... maybe..." he replied quietly. "I have been concerned about her..."

Gendo smiled and issued an accepting nod of his head."Very well," he responded, gesturing toward the door of his office. "Shall we?"

Shinji nodded and smiled in response and the two of them fell in step as they exited the room. Once they exited they went in opposite directions down the hall. His ghost of a smile evaporated by the time he'd turned the corner on his way to the hologram meeting room. By the time he reached it he was full on grimacing. He already knew what the meeting was going to be about considering its urgency...

He strode into the dark meeting room and shut the door behind himself. As much as he was starting to detest it, this was his element, where he functioned best, where he was most comfortable being... He took his seat and within seconds the SEELE monoliths appeared surrounding him. "Ikari," Keel spoke, opening the meeting. "It appears the conservative approach has accomplished nothing..."

"Indeed," SEELE 02 chimed in darkly. "The Second Child has deteriorated beyond what even we expected."

"Zero percent synchronization ratio by the end of the trial period!" SEELE 04 exclaimed.

"One we shouldn't have allowed to begin with..." SEELE 03 stated.

"There can be no more excuses, no more delays in doing what is necessary..." Keel voiced ominously.

Gendo folded his gloves in front of his face to hide his snarl of frustration. So that was just how badly his gambit had failed. No wonder they'd called him in so quickly, not even giving him the opportunity to read Dr. Akagi's report... "It was worth the effort, despite the disappointing outcome," he countered as evenly as he could. "However, Pilot Ayanami is nearly recovered, at least enough to pilot once more. I again suggest that she be made the pilot of Unit 02."

"Pilot Ayanami is out of the question," SEELE 02 stated.

"Her loyalty to you is concerns us," SEELE 03 added.

"The fact that you've done much to obscure her personal files makes us suspect things of both of you..." SEELE 04 growled.

"Therefore a new pilot will be selected..." Keel drawled ominously.

Gendo's eyes widened slightly and he could feel his brow starting to twitch. This was certainly not going as he'd hoped. The meeting had barely begun and he was already losing control of the situation. He had to turn things around, if only to ease suspicions in the moment... "Understood, however I must make my protest known in regards to your suspicions regarding the First Child. I can assure you that there is nothing there for you to be suspicious of, at least nothing that would jeopardize this committee's goals," he replied. He allowed himself a small smile, hidden behind his gloves. It was a half truth, but a half truth was still a truth...

"Your protestation is irrelevant," Keel stated flatly. "The new pilot will be designated by us before the end of tomorrow..."

Gendo scowled behind his gloves, his body feeling tense. He had no choice but to accept the situation. "Understood," he replied.

"There is nothing further to discuss," Keel stated. "The time has come where you must decide where your loyalties truly lie. Think on that, Ikari..."

With that, the monoliths disappeared, plunging Gendo into darkness...

---

Rei paced back and forth in her hospital room waiting for Ritsuko to come visit her. She'd been feeling much better in the last few days after doing some physical therapy exercises that the faux blonde had recommended her undertake. Her back and neck no longer hurt nearly as bad and she'd been able to get up and move around freely. There was no doubt in her mind that she'd be released from the medical ward soon and as soon as she was then she'd have to confront Shinji and face the music...

She also knew from Ritsuko that Asuka's final sync test had just taken place less than an hour ago. That also weighed heavy on her mind as she suspected from the previous timeline that it wouldn't go well. Considering Asuka's downward trend she knew without a doubt that it had gone poorly and that scared her. Soon Nagisa would be designated the Fifth Child and she had no idea how Asuka would react to that. It would probably infuriate her or make her give in to despair. Either way, things were on the cusp of coming apart and that terrified her. She felt powerless being cooped up in her hospital room, but at the same time it was better than facing Shinji. No matter how she played that out in her head she couldn't see a good outcome... but she owed it to him to be honest.

The door to her room creaked open and she immediately whirled around to face it. There stood Ritsuko in the doorway, holding a bag in her hand. "Oh," she said with a look of surprise that morphed into a warm, sympathetic smile. "It's good to see you up and about. I'm guessing you're feeling better?"

Rei nodded, biting her lip and fidgeting with her medical gown. "I have been..." she replied before positing the question at the forefront of her mind. "How did Asuka's sync test go?"

Ritsuko frowned. "Not well..." she returned quietly, casting her gaze down at the floor. "She finished the sync test with zero percent synchronization. It looks like the Fifth Child will be selected soon..."

Rei winced and looked down at her bare feet. "I suppose that was a foregone conclusion..." she replied barely above a whisper.

"I suppose so..." Ritsuko returned softly. "But it was worth a shot, right?"

Rei nodded. Indeed, it was better for Asuka to have a chance rather than to be replaced without due diligence. "It was good that she had the chance..." she murmured in response.

Ritsuko moved over to her and placed a comforting hand on her shoulder. "So... I think you've made enough improvement to be released," she stated with a smile, lifting up the bag she carried in her other hand. "I brought your school uniform up from the locker room."

Rei smiled softly. "Thank you," she replied, taking the bag from her.

A nervous expression befell the faux blonde scientist. "Are you... Are you ready for what your release means? Are you ready to tell Shinji the truth?" she asked.

Rei stiffened as a shiver ran down her spine. She was ready and yet she wasn't. She knew it had to happen and yet she was deathly afraid. She knew that she could possibly lose Shinji once the truth was revealed... but it had to happen. If she didn't tell him then they could never have a romantic relationship with any honesty... "I am and yet I'm not..." she returned, shuffling her feet and fidgeting with her medical gown. "Does that make sense?"

"It does," Ritsuko replied softly, reaching out and giving her hand a gentle squeeze. "I know you're nervous... but I'm proud of you for being honest with him. You're really mature, Rei. I was no where near as mature as you when I was your age..."

Rei felt a warmth in her cheeks and her chest. She felt pride and happiness at that comment but also embarrassment. As close as she and Ritsuko had gotten she wasn't used to the faux blonde giving her compliments. "It's just the right thing to do..." she murmured in response.

There was a pause before Ritsuko spoke again. "Well... do you plan to call him?" she asked.

Rei turned around and set her gaze on her cell phone which was resting atop the small table in the room. Her hands started to tremble and her breath caught in her throat. The time was now or never. Shakily, she moved over to it, picked it up, and hesitated. Her heart was pounding and she couldn't control her breathing. Why did the fear have to be so overwhelming?

"I know you're worried about what might happen," Ritsuko stated warmly. "But I'll be right there through all of it.

Rei looked at her friend, noting her smile. She couldn't take it. She couldn't stop shaking. "W- will you call him for me?" she stammered, holding out the phone.

Ritsuko stepped over a placed a hand on her shoulder. "Breathe," she replied. "Just breathe. It's okay to be afraid, but you have to be the one to call him, alright?"

Rei nodded and stared down at the phone in her hand. After a while she found the strength and dialed Shinji's number...

---

Shinji had left the pyramid complex his father's office resided in and was now walking through the halls of headquarters proper. As much as he'd grown to enjoy visiting his father in his office he still found the... atmosphere of the entire building said office inhabited rather unpleasant. The black walls, ceilings, and floors were just depressing, oppressively so. He much preferred the brightly lit if garish surroundings of the rest of headquarters. However, there were more pressing thoughts on his mind than his father's apparent sense of interior design. The meeting he'd had with his father over shogi had been pleasant enough but he could just... sense that there was more to his father's explanation about the giant in the basement, that Lilith creature. He'd hoped that the conversation could have gone on a little longer in the off chance he could get him to explain more but then again he probably wouldn't have had the courage to do so. It was just like his lack of courage regarding Rei...

As always, his thoughts when alone in the last few weeks always cycled back to her, made even more poignant due to the fact he was presently at NERV. In the past few days when he'd seen his father he could have gone to see her, made sure she was alright, told her he looked forward to talking things out, whatever those things were. No... he should have done it, but he hadn't, and the longer he put off seeing her the more guilty he felt about it.

He stopped his walk and drew a deep breath, a frown taking shape on his lips. Yes... he had to go see her. He'd put it off for too long. Even if they didn't end up having whatever talk that Rei had promised him it was wrong of him to have been avoiding her for so long. She probably was at the very least upset that he hadn't come to visit. Then again... maybe she felt the same way he did. He had no idea of knowing and so he found himself hesitating even now. Why were relationships so difficult? What was the right thing to do in this situation? What could he-

His cell phone began to ring, completely derailing his debate with himself...

He fished it out of his pocket and put it to his ear. "Hello?" he answered, not bothering to check the number before doing so.

"Shinji..." a familiar soft voice carried over the speaker. "A- are you well?"

His eyes widened. It was Rei. Rei was calling him. "Oh, h- hey, Rei..." he stammered. This was the first time they'd spoken in any way since the day of Unit 00's destruction after all... "I'm well. H- how about you?"

"I- I'm doing alright..." she returned. "I- I'm glad you're doing alright as well."

She sounded nervous, but why? Why did she seem so uncomfortable? Was it because he'd been avoiding her? "Uh, look, I uh... I'm sorry that I haven't been by to visit you. I just... didn't know what to say if I did," he replied. It was a lame excuse and he knew it...

There was a slight pause. "It's... fine," she responded. "I'm not upset at you... I just... wanted to tell you I... I was discharged just a minute ago."

Shinji bit his lip, unsure of what to say to that. "That's good to hear," he replied.

He'd barely managed to get those words out before she spoke again. "I... I'm ready to... I'm ready to show you what I wanted to show you..." she stated, her voice coming out shaky and small.

His heart skipped a beat and a lump formed in his throat. So... she was ready to face him. His mind began to race as he thought of what she could possibly want to show him, just like he had many an hour in the days preceding this moment, and yet he still came up short. Still... he needed to know why she hadn't been able to accept his feelings. O- okay..." he stammered in response. "So, uh... I'm at NERV right now so... where do you want to meet?"

He could hear her breath hitching even over the phone. There was a long pause that followed. "Meet me by the entrance to Terminal Dogma..." she responded just above a whisper.

Terminal Dogma? Why would she want to meet him there? It raised all sorts of questions but he supposed he would have those answered soon enough... "Okay," he replied, swallowing the lump in his throat. "See you there..."

"Very well..." Rei replied, her voice shakier than ever, perhaps as nervous as he'd ever heard it. "I... Shinji I... never mind... I'll see you soon..."

The line went dead next to his ear. Rei had hung up.

He took the phone away from his ear and stared down and the number pad on it, playing over the conversation he'd just had. He was committed, he had to see her now and live with whatever happened. It made him feel afraid. That fear of the unknown was overwhelming, but he had to face it. If he didn't then he'd only continue living in stasis, not knowing what Rei needed to say, not knowing why she'd turned away when he'd tried to kiss her... and then he noticed the time on his phone.

It was getting towards the evening already. If he stayed out too late, even at NERV, Misato would probably get worried. He supposed he owed it to her to let her know where he was going to be even if things had become very strained between the two of them. He dialed her cell and put the phone back to his ear.

The phone rang twice before she answered. "Hey, Shinji, what's up?" she spoke in that fake cheerful voice he'd grown used to. "Finished visiting your dad?"

Shinji frowned. "Yeah," he replied. "But I'm staying at NERV for a little while."

"Oh?" Misato returned, sounding surprised. "Why's that? What's going on?"

"Rei just got released from the hospital. I'm going to go see her," he replied.

"At NERV?" Misato returned, sounding confused.

Shinji paused for a moment, trying to find the words to articulate his thoughts. "Yeah," he responded after a moment. "She wanted to meet me by the entrance to Terminal Dogma. She wanted to show me something I think..."

Misato didn't respond for several seconds. "Oh..." she eventually replied. "Did she say why she wanted to meet you there of all places?"

Shinji bit his lip. He didn't want to explain to Misato the... complicated situation he was entangled in with Rei. "I think she wanted to show me something," he returned. "I don't know..."

There was another long pause. "Oh..." she replied, sounding a bit suspicious. "Well, let me know if you need a ride, okay? I'll be in my office for another hour or so."

"Okay..." Shinji replied before hanging up the phone.

He drew a deep breath and let it out. There was nothing else he could do. He had to face whatever lay ahead of him. That old mantra he'd recited when he first came to NERV came to mind, that he mustn't run away...

He took a step forward and began trudging toward where the girl he loved beckoned he meet her...

---

Rei couldn't stop shaking. Hearing Shinji's voice after how they'd left things when they'd last seen one another was too much. Knowing what she was about to reveal to him was too much. Her knees felt like jelly and she could barely see straight. She was about to pour everything out to the most important person in her life, the boy she loved, and it was overwhelming... "It's done..." she murmured softly, turning towards Ritsuko.

She couldn't stand any longer, those words sapping the last of her strength. She started to collapse but Ritsuko caught her, wrapping her arms around her in a warm embrace. "I'm proud of you, Rei..." she murmured softly, her hand reaching up and stroking her hair. "That was very brave..."

Rei smiled, burying her face into faux blonde's lab coat. To think that there had been a time when she'd feared this woman and to think of how their dynamic was now... Ritsuko was almost... motherly. Yes. Ritsuko was almost like a mother to her now. She smiled and wrapped her arms around the faux blonde scientist, digging her fingers into the fabric of her lab coat. Her eyes stung and her heart pounded in her chest. "Thank you..." she murmured, choking back tears.. "Thank you for standing by me through all of this..."

Ritsuko shushed her and continued stroking her hair. "It's okay..." she murmured in reply. "I... I care about you, Rei. I do, really..."

Rei felt Ritsuko's arms encircle her. Her smile grew. "I'm so glad I have you..." she whimpered, her honest heart pouring out in spite of herself. "I used to be so scared of you..."

"I used to hate you," Ritsuko responded, holding her tight and stroking her hair. "But things change, people change..."

Rei felt a tingle in the back of her throat and it escaped her in the form of a wry laugh. Was this why people laughed in situations of irony? "We've come a long way, haven't we?" she returned quietly, finding the strength to stand once more.

Ritsuko continued supporting her in the embrace. "Indeed we have," she replied, a playful smile taking shape on her lips. "You more than I though, all things considered."

Rei found strength in those words, the fact that Ritsuko thought that she'd come far and the fact that deep down she knew it was true. She closed her eyes, stepped back, and took a few deep breaths to grasp that strength that Ritsuko saw in her. "We should probably get going..." she replied, regarding Ritsuko with a sheepish smile.

Risuko mirrored her expression and nodded her head. "Indeed," she replied. "Get changed and then we'll go."

Rei nodded, her anxiety starting to flare up once again. "Very well..." she returned.

After today, whatever happened, there would be no going back...

---

Misato sat in her office, her lips pursed and eyes narrowed in contemplation, the call with Shinji fresh in her head. What could Rei want to meet him by Terminal Dogma for? It didn't make any sense. What could she possibly want to show him down there? The only thing she knew of that was down there was Lilith, the Dummy Plug production plant, and some sort of living quarters for an unknown test subject...

Her eyes widened and her jaw went slack as the realization crashed over her like a tsunami. What if... what Rei herself was the unknown test subject? If she wanted to see him there then what else could it possibly mean, and for that matter, what did it mean if she was the mysterious test subject? Did it mean that the commander had adopted her just for the purpose of experimenting on her? No... no that didn't make sense. Even someone as cold as Commander Ikari wouldn't do such a thing. There had to be something more to the equation, but what? She couldn't figure it out...

She pulled the key card she'd pilfered from Ritsuko's office from her pocket. She stared down at the red and black card and thought deeply. If she just showed up and went with them then Rei might get cold feet with whatever it was that she was going to show Shinji. No... she had to follow them but at a distance. It was her only window of opportunity to get down there and have her visit go unseen. Sooner or later Ritsuko would notice her card had gone missing after all.

Misato stood from her desk, a scowl taking shape on her face. "What sort of secrets am I about to walk in on?" she muttered to herself. "How deep does it go, Kaji?"

They certainly deeper than she ever imagined...

---

Rei stood beside Ristuko in the dimly lit corridor in the lowest level of Central Dogma before the door to the depths. She stared up at the display screen above the entrance with the words Terminal Dogma, Level 1 glowing in red amid the darkness of the hall, fidgeting with her skirt, her knees trembling. Knowing what lay ahead, knowing what sights awaited her, filled her with dread and nausea. Down in the depths were all the bitter reminders of where she'd been and what she desperately wanted to leave behind. Down there existed the physical reminders of all her secrets and her shame. Even though it hadn't been very long since she and Ritsuko had arrived at this place the wait for Shinji to meet them seemed like it was dragging on for an eternity. After hearing his voice again and hearing that concern, care, apprehension, and love that voice his voice carried... it made everything that much more brutally real...

She felt a comforting hand on her shoulder. "It's okay," Ritsuko stated warmly. "It will all be over soon."

Rei closed her eyes and drew a shaky breath. "That is little comfort..." she murmured in response. "But I do wish Shinji would hurry..."

Ritsuko dropped her hand away from her shoulder. "I understand," the faux blonde replied. "Just try to breathe and think about what you're going to say when he gets here."

She took another deep breath and tried to get her thoughts in order. She had a rough idea of what she was going to say and how she was going to say it since she'd had numerous days to ruminate on it but she worried she would choke when the moment came. "I know what I want to say, but I fear I'll be unable to say it..." she admitted quietly.

"I suppose that's normal," Ritsuko stated evenly. "As normal as any of this is anyway..."

Before Rei could formulate a response she heard footsteps coming from down the corridor. Her eyes snapped open and she whirled around, her heart beating fast. Sure enough, Shinji Ikari appeared out of the shadows at the end of the hall...

She studied his expression as he approached, noting how he looked nervous but also glad to see her. "H- hey, Rei," he greeted, his voice coming out hushed and apprehensive but still retaining that warmth she knew well. "How come you wanted to meet me here?"

Rei nodded, finding it difficult to make eye contact with him, casting her eyes down at the ground. "I- I... Because I have no other way of explaining things as they are..." was all she could murmur in reply.

She noticed him shuffling his feet out of the corner of her eye. "How come Ritsuko-san is here?" he asked, sounding confused and worried.

Rei couldn't find the words and after a moment Ritsuko spoke for her. She was a little glad for that, she'd probably bungle the explanation if she'd tried to... "She wanted me here for support and to help better explain what she wants to show you," the faux blonde stated.

Rei raised her head to once again look at Shinji. He looked more worried than confused now. "Okay..." he replied. "I still don't understand why we needed to talk or whatever in this place..."

"It was necessary..." Rei returned, her heart thumping in her chest, her stomach tying itself in knots. "I... I couldn't think of any other way to explain things..."

Shinji's brow knit up and his lips fell into a frown. "What do you mean, explain things?" he asked.

The trembling in her body was getting worse. Standing there under his gaze was making her so nervous. She once again looked away from him, this time turning to face the door. "You'll see..." she murmured softly.

Ritsuko stepped over to the key-card reader and fumbled around in the pocket of her lab coat. Rei watched as a she stood stock still for a moment before breathing a heavy sigh and turning to her with a rather sheepish expression. "I must have left my key-card in my office, Rei, do you have yours?" she asked.

Rei nodded and stepped forward, holding her own card up to the reader machine with a trembling hand. She tried swiping it but completely missed the slot. She tried again, twice, three times, before a hand intercepted her own on the fifth attempt. She turned her head to look at Ritsuko as the faux blonde scientist plucked the card from her hand with a smile and swiped it through the machine, causing the door to open.

Ritsuko looked over to Shinji. "Follow me," she said. The faux blonde then turned back to her and offered a comforting smile before stepping through the doorway.

Rei followed after her into the darkness of the hallway ahead. She didn't look back but she could hear Shinji's footsteps echoing behind her own. The silence between the three of them was deafening, making their trek feel like an eternity. After only a little while they reached an elevator and the three of them stepped inside.

The door shut and so began a descent into the depths. This part of the journey into the abyss felt even longer, made even worse by how cramped the elevator was. Rei glanced over at Shinji who was looking at her out of the corner of his eye. She once again flinched and looked away from him, staring down at her feet. His silence and his frown did nothing but fill her with worry. The thought that perhaps he was already upset with her for how she was going about showing him the truth was debilitating. Still, this was the only way to explain things without sounding like a crazy person. Then, suddenly, she felt him tug at her hand and her whole body tensed up...

"Hey..." he spoke just above a whisper. "Are you sure you're not mad at me?"

Rei glanced at him and bit her lip. Even now he as still concerned for her. Even now with how guarded and distant she was being he still wasn't angry, rather he was worried she was upset with him. It was touching. She shook her head. "No..." she replied.

His frown deepened and he pulled his hand away. "Then... what is it?" he murmured.

Within her mind's eye, Rei saw the small room she'd been created in, the Evangelion graveyard, the tank used for memory uploads, the tank of her... spare parts. She shuddered. "I- I..." she stammered, choking on the words.

"It's complicated, Shinji," Ritsuko interjected. "Just another minute or so and we'll be there..."

Shinji sighed and fell silent...

Moments later the elevator ended it's travel and deposited them in yet another dimly lit hallway, this one looking like a dilapidated and abandoned hospital wing. Rei remembered this place. This was the place she'd spent the first few years of her life. This was where she'd lived before Naoko Akagi had killed her first iteration. Seeing this place again caused all sorts of unpleasant memories to swirl in her mind, memories of being poked and prodded, injections, blood draws, monitors, tests... it sent a shiver down her spine. It caused her breathing to quicken and her heart to lodge itself in her throat. She felt dizzy and nauseous being here again. She hated it. She wanted to run. She wanted to desperately just turn back to the elevator and retreat away to some place far away from NERV and these horrible reminders of her inhuman origins... but she kept walking. She had to. If she didn't then she knew she'd regret it, maybe even more than telling Shinji the truth.

Soon enough they reached the end of the hall. She looked at the plaque on the door and shuddered. Test Subject Living Quarters... beyond that door was her old bedroom, her old living space, the beginning of her wretched existence...

Ritsuko pressed the door open and Rei stepped inside followed closely by Shinji. She heard Shinji gasp and out of the corner of her eye she noticed him turn to face her. "This... this looks like your apartment..." he murmured. "Why? What is this place?"

Rei felt a reassuring hand on her back from Ritsuko and lifted her gaze to meet Shinji's He looked at her with a concerned, worried, sympathetic expression. It made her eyes sting. "This... this is where I spent the first few years of my life..." she murmured softly, forcing herself to retain eye contact with him.

Shinji stiffened. "Wait... so you were... raised here?" he asked just above a whisper, a scowl taking shape on his face.

Rei nodded and swallowed the lump in her throat and forced herself to continue talking. "I never had parents, Shinji... this was all I knew for years before I met you... just this cold place and then my apartment..." she replied. "Your father made sure of that..."

"Why?" Shinji asked. "Why did he keep you in a place like this? Why does he make you live in that shitty apartment?"

Rei choked on her words and nearly collapsed. She felt a hand on her back and immediately whipped her head around to regard Ritusko. The faux blonde was looking at Shinji with a sympathetic look. "It's complicated," she said, looking down at her with a warm smile. "Take your time, Rei..."

Rei took a deep breath and leaned into Ritsuko for support, taking a moment to articulate her thoughts into words. "I think he wanted me to remain unfettered..." she whispered in response, looking down at her feet. The honest words came pouring out of her, and the did offer a small measure of catharsis, but not much. "He didn't want me to form bonds with other people. He raised me in this place to ensure that I would be the perfect Eva pilot... That was all my life was... before I met you..."

Shinji looked down at his feet, his scowl contorting his face into a a rage filled visage that she barely recognized. "That's so cruel..." he murmured in reply.

Rei again had to avert her eyes, casting her gaze yet again down at her feet. "He wanted me to be the perfect, obedient pilot..." she murmured, her body trembling. "He wanted someone who would follow commands without question... someone more puppet than person..."

"That's so vile..." Shinji growled under his breath bitterly. "I... I can't believe he would do that..."

Rei swayed on her feet. She felt guilty for telling Shinji about this when his relationship with his father was getting so much better but it needed to be said. It needed to be said before she told him the final truth, the truth hidden in the Dummy Plug Production Plant... "I... I think he regrets his choices..." she murmured, her gaze remaining fixed on her shoes. "But it still hurts..."

Shinji hissed under his breath. "Yeah... looks like we both suffered at his hands..." he muttered darkly.

Rei felt Ritsuko nudge her with an elbow lightly. "Are you ready to keep moving, Rei?" she asked.

Rei nodded in response, taking a deep breath and letting it out. Indeed, there was no point in lingering in this place. It was doing none of them any good staying there. "Yes..." she whispered. "There's still more to see..."

"What do you mean?" Shinji responded, looking at her with bitter confusion. "What else could there be? Were you really... were you really afraid I couldn't accept that this happened to you?"

Rei looked at him and took in that sympathetic and hurt expression he wore before shaking her head. "No..." she replied, her lips quivering, her eyes stinging. "There's still more I need to show you before you can make that determination, something far worse..."

Shinji's scowl morphed into an expression between confusion and hurt, like he couldn't fathom anything worse or that he was afraid she was trying to push him away. "Okay..." he murmured.

Rei scowled and balled her fists, the vision of what still lay ahead flashing in her mind's eye, the eerie smiles of her empty shells staring into her soul..."Let's keep going..." she whispered in response.

The three of them left the room and continued down another dark hallway in suffocating silence. It wasn't long until the corridor spilled out onto a large platform overlooking the place where Unit 01 had been created. Rei watched as Shinji walked over to the railing and looked over the edge, the orange glow from below, the only light in colossal the room, illuminating his face. She watched as his body stiffened up and his mouth fell open in surprise. "What is this place?" he asked, his voice coming out hushed and nervous. "Is this some kind of Evangelion graveyard?"

Ritsuko was the one to speak up. "It's nothing that elaborate. This place was abandoned ten years ago, now it's just used as a dumping ground for all the failed experiments that led to the creation of Unit 00," she stated quietly.

"Wh- why does it seem so familiar..." Shinji murmured, staring out over the chasm. "Why do I feel like I know this place?"

Rei's heart thumped in her chest. She wanted to speak up but the words died in her throat. All she could do was stand there trembling...

"This is where Unit 01 underwent the first contact experiment," Ritsuko stated, her voice becoming softer, somber. "This is the place where your mother was taken from you, Shinji-kun..."

Rei watched in silence as Shinji's jaw fell open in shock. "This is where she disappeared..." he whispered. "This is where she died and got pulled into Unit 01..."

"Yes..." Rei finally choked out, her vision becoming cloudy. "This is the place were you lost your mother..."

He turned to her and Ritsuko, looking back and forth between the two of them. "I don't understand..." he uttered before he locked eyes with her. "Rei, I don't understand. What does my mother's accident have to do with you?"

Rei breathed a heavy sigh and closed her eyes, taking a number of deep breaths. Next ahead was the final truth of her origins. She wanted to run. She wanted to turn back... but she had to do this. If she wasn't honest with the boy she loved then she would never be able to forgive herself.

She strode ahead into the adjacent hallway, gritting her teeth tightly, breathing deeply in and out of her nose in ragged huffs to steel her courage. She stared ahead toward the door that terminated the corridor with a laser focus. This was it. It was finally happening. She was about to tell him the truth of her origins and ultimately confess everything if he allowed it. She halted right in front of the door and drew a deep breath, letting it out shakily. There was no turning back...

"Well... this is the last thing you want to show him..." Ritsuko spoke softly. "Shall we get on with it?"

Rei turned to regard her faux blonde friend. She thought about what Ritsuko was saying and hesitated. Yes, she was glad that her dear friend had accompanied her this far but... she needed to do this on her own. She needed to show Shinji the truth alone. It wouldn't be fair to him if she didn't. It was the crux of why she'd brought him down here. She owed it to him to explain the truth without anyone else witnessing that. She owed it to him to explain it to him just the two of them alone... and so she looked up at her faux blonde friend with a steely resolve. "Can... can you wait here?" she asked.

Ritsuko's lips curved upward in a somber smile. "Okay," she replied. "I'll wait here."

Rei breathed a heavy sigh. "Thank you..." she murmured in response. "Can you... give me the remote for the shutters if you have it?"

Ritsuko nodded and handed her the device. Rei stared down at it, drawing another deep breath to steady herself. She was seconds away from showing him everything, from showing him all of her, figuratively and literally...

"I don't understand any of this..." Shinji murmured to himself, looking very much overwhelmed.

Rei turned about and swiped her key-card through the reader on the side of the door, causing it to open. She stepped inside and Shinji followed after her a few paced behind. She walked up to the glass cylinder at the center of the room, the sight of it making her feel a mixture of sadness, anger, and shame. She stared at that horrible glass tube and placed her hands on it, the place she'd been created in, the place she'd been grown and engineered inside of, the place where she'd been duplicated and dehumanized...

"This machine on the ceiling..." Shinji murmured, once again more to himself than to her, sounding even more nervous and skittish. "It looks like a brain..."

Rei closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and let it out. It was time to peel back all the lies and finally tell him the truth regardless of what happened... "Shinji, do you remember what I told you about my parents... how I never knew them?" she asked, turning around to face him, her voice coming out choked and hushed.

Shinji flinched as if her words had broken a momentary trance. "Yeah... I remember that..." he returned nervously but a bit of frustration slipping into his tone. "Rei, what is this place? Why did you have to bring me down here just to talk? I thought you wanted to talk about... us..."

Rei took in his timid but displeased expression and winced slightly. "Because this is where I was born..." she replied. She closed her eyes for a moment, wincing before uttering the next words "This is where I was... created..."

Shinji's eyes went wide and his lips parted in shock. "W- what?" he stammered. "What do you mean, created?"

Rei bit her lip. "I mean exactly that," she replied. "I was created here in this lab..."

Shinji stared at her, his gaze becoming vacant. "By my father?" he muttered.

Rei nodded. "Yes..." she replied, her eyes starting to sting. "And that's not the worst part..."

Shinji's eyes widened and he looked at her with deep apprehension. "What... what is?" he asked.

Rei closed her eyes. "This..." she returned, her body starting to tremble once more, hesitating, weighing the decision she was about to make carefully. She stared at the remote in her hand for what felt like an eternity as she worked up the strength to do it...

She pressed the switch on the remote that raised the shutters on the walls, revealing the lifeless, naked husks that were her clones.

Shinji let out a sound half way between a gasp and a yelp. "Wh- wh- what the hell!?" he exclaimed before his voice became hushed. "Kami-sama..."

Rei took note of his expression, his shock, his confusion, and his terror. "This... this is the truth of me. These clones are the cores for the Dummy System..." she croaked, fighting the lump in her throat. She felt disgusted with herself. "These... things exist so I can be replaced if I were to die..."

There was a long pause. "I... I can't believe this..." Shinji uttered. "Why? Why would my father... why? This is... this so much..."

Rei cast her gaze yet again at her feet, feeling too ashamed to look at him. He was clearly distraught. She'd put this conversation off for far too long... "And there's more..." she croaked out, pausing to retain her strength, trying her best not to fall to pieces. "Haven't you ever... haven't you ever wondered why my eyes and hair are such... unnatural colors?" she inquired just above a whisper.

There was a pause before he spoke again. "Not... not really..." he replied, stumbling over himself. "I never minded it. I just thought you... I don't know... I thought maybe you dyed your hair or something..."

Rei's vision started to get cloudy and the ghost of a smile spread across her lips. He really was so beautifully genuine and pure... she loved that about him so very much. "My eyes and hair are... natural," she returned after a moment, her heart racing, her stomach churning. "It's because I'm not fully human... I was made from the flesh of the Angel beneath our feet, from Lilith..."

"W- wh- what!?" Shinji exclaimed. "How!? You're part Angel!?"

Rei flinched at his explosion of emotion but she had to continue before she lost the will to. "I am... but I was also made from a human donor... that donor being Yui Ikari, your mother... Even though I only possess a small portion of her genetics I have her face..." she finished, her eyes stinging, her voice quavering.

There was a short pause. "Why?" Shinji asked, his voice low like hers. "Why would my father... why would my father... make you this way?"

"H- he was trying to resurrect his wife... He... he wanted to bring her back..." she replied just above a whisper, her strength fading fast. Thinking about Instrumentality, Adam, how the commander had violated her body with his hand... she just couldn't continue.

Yet again, a deathly silence filled the room. Shinji said nothing...

Rei forced herself to look at him. Upon seeing him standing there, looking down at the ground, his face contorted in an anguished grimace, his hands balled into fists at his side, she unable to restrain the torrent of emotion she'd been restraining since entering Terminal Dogma any longer. "Please... please don't despise me for not saying anything!" she cried out, tears starting to stream down her face. "Please don't hate me for not telling you this! Please just say something!"

He lifted his head and he looked at her with a wide eyed, shell-shocked expression. "I... I need to go..." he murmured, his eyes glassy as he seemed to stare through her.

She took a step towards him, reaching out her hand. "Shinji, I'm sorry..." she whimpered, the tears starting to make her vision blurry. To think that she had only scratched the surface of everything, that she hadn't even begun to tell him about how she'd lived through the end of the world, been reborn in this one, how she'd been desperately trying to find a way to defeat the conspiracies that wanted to make that happen again and coming up short in doing so. She needed to press on in spite of her tears. She couldn't just let him walk away. On top of that, she just... didn't want to lose him. His lack of meaningful response to what she'd said already was terrifying. The idea that she'd just driven an immovable wedge between the two of them was the worst feeling in the world... "I'm so sorry I didn't tell you this earlier..."

Shinji said nothing. He turned around and hastily started walking to the exit of the room with his head bowed...

"Please wait!" Rei cried desperately, reaching her hand out in a futile attempt to make him stay. She didn't want this to happen. It wasn't supposed to be this way. The outcome she'd feared the most seemed to be coming to pass... "There's so much more I need to say!"

He didn't respond. He crossed through the doorway and continued down that inky black hallway without a word...

The trembling in her body intensified and her knees gave out as she watched him pass farther into the darkness of the hall. Rei lost her grip on the remote control and collapsed to her knees sobbing as Shinji vanished. This was everything that she'd feared manifesting in reality. She hadn't even had a chance to tell him about the real issues that plague her, how she'd traveled through time and space, how she'd known a version of him before... and now she might never get the chance. It was agonizing. The very thought that she'd pushed him away, that she'd lost him perhaps forever was overwhelming, and it manifested in guttural sobs that caused her to convulse. She hated it. She hated this feeling. She hated knowing that her lies and her fears had led her to this. She hated herself for being who and what she was. She hated everything...

She felt a pair of arms wrap around her body. "Shush..." a voice spoke, on she registered as belonging to Ritsuko speak softly, gently, motherly. She opened her eyes and saw the faux blonde kneeling down in front of her to get down to her level. "It's okay. It's gonna be alright, Rei..."

Rei balled her fists at her. She and glared at Ritsuko through the tears. "No it won't!" she croaked, her voice starting to fail on her. "No it won't... H- he walked away..."

"Rei, it's a lot for anyone to take in..." Ritsuko said, pulling away and putting her hands in hers. "I'm sure he just needs time."

Rei looked over at the clones in the tank that encompassed the room staring out with their uncanny smiles and unblinking eyes. "How can anyone get past these things!?" she sobbed. "I hate them! I hate that I'm no different from them... I hate myself..."

Ritsuko squeezed her hand. "I'm sorry, Rei... she murmured in response. "No matter what, you did the right thing. You were very brave. Just trust him and give him time."

Rei took a few deep breaths. She really wanted Ritsuko to be correct. Ritsuko was a very logical person and Rei could tell she wasn't just saying that for her sake. The thought that her faux blonde friend might be right helped to stem the flow of tears. "Do you really think so?" Rei asked, looking her in the eyes.

"I do," Ritsuko replied with a gentle smile.

Rei bowed her head, the tears starting again but in more steady streams than big guttural sobs. "I hope you're right..." she murmured, pulling her hands out of Ritsuko's to wipe at her eyes before staring off at the tank filled with her clones. "I hope he can see past these horrible things... and I still didn't get to tell him about the other world..."

"There will be a time for that," Ritsuko replied. "Just give him time."

Rei nodded, scowling at those hateful puppets floating all around them. "Yeah... I hope so..." she whispered in response.

There was a pause before Ritsuko spoke again. "You know... I used to hate these things," she said. "I used to think you were just another one of them. I used to think that I was losing Commander Ikari... to you and to them, but I got over it. I moved on. I realized, thanks to you, that I was being stupid. Now look at us..."

Rei smiled, reaching out to grab at Ritsuko's hand once again, to find a small measure of comfort. "Yeah..." she murmured bitterly, tears falling from her eyes once again as she took sight of the empty husks that mimicked her appearance. He lips contorted into a hateful, despairing grimace. "We've come a long way... I hate these things too..."

On impulse she reached for the remote that she'd discarded on the ground and grasped it tightly in her hands. She forced herself to her feet and stared around her at those mocking, laughing husks. Her finger hovered over the button that would terminate their life support. She had the power to get rid of these things in her hands right now... and yet she froze. If she destroyed these things then she'd finally be unique, a real individual, but it also meant that she could could never come back should she die again. She would lose any kind of safeguard, if it had ever been there, that she could continue her mission to stop the powers that be from initiating Instrumentality...

"You want them gone, don't you..." Ritsuko spoke out gently.

Rei nodded and closed her eyes, taking a shaky deep breath. "I do..." she murmured.

"It's your choice Rei," Ritsuko spoke soothingly. "Do what's right for you..."

Rei grit her teeth. It was all the encouragement she needed. She pressed the button...

A mix of relief, catharsis, and sorrow washed over her all at once as the clones in the tank began to disintegrate. Arms fell off of torsos, skin peeled away, entrails and blood mixed with the LCL of the tank. The sight was liberating but it also made her feel queasy. In short order she had to look away, once again letting the remote fall to the floor with a clatter and collapsing into Ritsuko. "It's done..." she murmured into the faux blonde's shoulder, breathing shakily. "They're gone..."

"Yes... they're gone..." Ritsuko murmured, rubbing her back. "Come on. Let's get out of here."

Ritsuko helped her to her feet and the two of them left the room. Before leaving, Ritsuko closed the shutters and left on console by the tank. It was finally done. She was no longer a replaceable tool. She was no longer just one of many. She was just... Rei, whatever that meant.

She fell in step beside Ritsuko in silence, her eyes cast down at her feet as she walked. It was over and she was completely drained. She couldn't cry anymore. She couldn't speak. She couldn't think. She was just... numb. She hoped that Ritsuko was right that Shinji just needed time to process what she'd shown him. Then again... time was something that was running short for everyone and everything...

"Hey... what you did back there got me thinking about something..." Ritsuko suddenly spoke up.

Rei looked over at her, curious. "What?" she inquired.

"The Commander..." Ritsuko returned, staring forward with an unreadable expression. "If you can be honest with Shinji then... maybe I can be honest with him..."

Rei's breath caught in her throat. She knew that Ritsuko carried mixed, complex, and strong feelings for Commander Ikari but hearing her say that made her anxiety spike. "Wh- what do you mean?" she stammered.

"I mean that I should finally confront him and see what happens..." the faux blonde responded, a melancholic expression on her face.

Rei bowed her head and continued walking. She supposed that it was an understandable step for her to take but one she couldn't concern herself with. It was Ritsuko's choice to make and her issue to work out. She had to focus on herself and hopefully closing the gulf that had opened between herself and Shinji due to her deceptions and her secrets... "I hope that goes well..." she murmured in response.

"Thank's Rei..." Ritsuko returned. "I hope so too...

The two of them continued their journey out of Terminal Dogma in suffocating silence...

---

Misato had kept a good degree of distance in following Rei, and Shinji down into the depths, far enough back that there was no way she could be detected but close enough that she wouldn't get lost. The sights she encountered on her trek down into the black hallways and cavernous expanses of Terminal Dogma were quite striking. She'd been down here once before but only to the lowest level when she'd followed Kaji and discovered that giant, Lilith, the being that Kaji had mistakenly called Adam. She found herself very much unnerved by the path she took now, not because of how strange it was though it was strange, but because she felt like she knew it already. She did know it already. She was wandering through the same corridors that Kaji had described in great detail in his digital notes...

Presently she stood before the door labeled Test Subject Living Quarters. It was just as ominous a sight as it was described in Kaji's notes. With gentle push of the door she stepped inside and took sight of the bed, the walls, the medical equipment, all the things that Kaji had described were there... and the meaning behind them was just as elusive for her as it had been for him. Still, this place, with the child sized medical bed certainly would imply a young test subject... and the fact that Rei was leading Shinji down through this area definitely lent credence to Kaji's theory. But what was Rei a test subject for if she was actually the mystery person in question? The layers of mystery yet to be unraveled seemed endless...

Footsteps coming fast and loud entered her ears and she ducked behind the door frame. She held her breath and kept her eyes fixed on the narrow gap between the door and the wall as she waited for whomever it was to pass. Her eyes widened when she saw who it was. Even though she didn't see much of them as they passed by and only saw them from behind, she could easily recognize that white shirt anywhere...

"Shinji..." she murmured to herself as he passed. From the sound of his footsteps he was going in quite a hurry, not quite a run but certainly faster than a normal walking pace. He seemed to be heading in the direction she'd come from, meaning that he was leaving. In addition to this, Rei was not with him. Why? What had he seen that made him leave without her?

She had to continue on... only then would she find the answers. Once Shinji's footsteps had faded did she continue her travel into the depths. Soon enough she reached the other point of curiosity in Kaji's notes; the dumping ground for Evangelion parts...

Misato looked over the railing and took in the sight of all the discarded Eva sized arms, legs, spinal columns, and helmeted heads. Were these things the remnants of failed attempts at creating an Eva before Unit 00 and Unit 01? It seemed like a good hypothesis... but all of the heads had that cyclopean appearance of Unit 00. What did that mean? Did that mean that GEHIRN managed to get Unit 01 right on the first go?

Misato had no time to ponder those questions. Another set of footsteps filled her ears coming from the adjacent hallway, the one she was set to continue down. This time she had no where to easily hide. All she could do was press herself close to the doorway on the wall in the shadows and hope that whomever it was that was coming near wouldn't look behind them as they passed. She hastily moved to the shadows and held her breath to be as quiet as possible.

Her mouth fell open in surprise when the source of the footsteps appeared. It was Rei, as she expected, but she was accompanied by Ritsuko which was surprising. She didn't think that Ritsuko had anything to do with Rei outside of usual operations. What did it mean? Why was she there? For what purpose?

Though the two of them thankfully didn't turn around and see her standing in the shadows, Misato took note that even though her back was to her that Rei appeared rather defeated. That raised even more questions. Why was Rei so upset? Why was Shinji leaving ahead of them? What could they have talked about down here that had them all looking so distraught?

The only way to find out was to keep on pressing on...

Misato slipped along the wall until she could step back into the entrance of the corridor from which Rei and Ritsuko had emerged. Once she was adequately cloaked in the shadows once again only then did she take her eyes off the two and turn about. She quickened her pace down the black walled corridor that seemed to stretch on forever, determined to discover what lay at its terminus. Soon enough... she reached the door at the hall's end. She paused and read the words above it.

Dummy Plug Research And Production...

She paused, her brow furrowing. Why had Rei brought Shinji here of all places? What could possibly be in this room that she'd needed to show him? There was only one way to find out. She took Ritsuko's pilfered key-card and swiped it through the reader.

The door snapped open with a mechanical hiss and Misato stepped inside. This place was just a creepy as Kaji had described it, from the singular circular wall that encompassed the room to the brain like structure above the glass cylinder filled with LCL. The walls too appeared like giant metal shutters, just like Kaji had described, pale orange light poking through the hairline gaps between the joints. What was behind them? Why shutter the room at all? She needed to find out.

She cautiously approached the desk that Kaji had once hidden underneath and searched it for any kind of documents she could look over. Finding nothing, she then approached the console by the tube and looked it over. She doubted that she'd be able to get the console working but then she noticed the remote control sitting atop it.

Misato picked it up and looked over the various buttons and what they said. She found the button to lift the shutters and pressed it. As they lifted, dropped the remote and her eyes went wide in shock. "What on earth?" she gasped as she took sight of what had moments ago been hidden from view...

It was a massive tank full of LCL and what looked like what had once been... Rei, a whole bunch of Reis. Severed heads, arms, legs, organs, shreds of flesh floated around in the tank. Every single one of the severed heads had a sickening, laughing grin. It was completely horrifying.

Misato stumbled back into the central cylinder tank, her mind reeling. What did this mean? Rei was a clone? That must mean she was the test subject in question. Did that mean she was an artificial creation? Who made her then? Ritsuko? Commander Ikari? Why was she a clone? What purpose did that serve? Of course... Rei, and Rei's mental patterns must form the basis for the Dummy Plug System... but why would she need to be cloned to do that? The Dummy System was just a computer program, so what other purpose did these... things serve? Were they here in case she ever fell in battle against the Angels? Was that Commander Ikari's reasoning for this, if he was the one behind it? Was it Ritsuko who's devised this?

Misato grit her teeth as shock turned to anger. It didn't matter. None of it mattered. That poor girl... no wonder she'd been so sullen and antisocial before she'd formed a friendship with Shinji. She must have had to live with knowing these things were down here, that she wasn't unique, that she could be replaced at any time... it made her feel sick that NERV would stoop so low.

"Is this the truth you wanted me to find, Kaji?" she muttered to herself. "Is it really worth it?"

Yes. Yes it was, she decided. And somehow, someday soon when she had all the answers to NERV, SEELE, and the Human Instrumentality Project, she was going to do something about it...

---

At first, when he left the place Rei had taken him to, Shinji was in shock. The things Rei had shown him were just too much to handle. She was a clone, an artificial creation, made partly with Angel DNA and his own mother's. It was... hard to process. It made him sick, to think that the face of the girl he'd fallen for had the same face as his mother's made him feel disgusting. He wanted to forget she'd told him that but there was no way he ever could. To think that the girl he loved was keeping such horrible secrets from him hurt. It was scary. It made him feel small and powerless... but deep down he understood why she wouldn't tell him, why she couldn't tell him, not until he'd forced her to with his affections. Deep down, he knew, that with time, maybe he could move on from the fact she wasn't fully human. As queasy as knowing she had his mother's face made him, maybe in time he'd be able to see past it. He realized that now, only now, after he'd left her behind down in the depths...

He grit his teeth as he continued his long march to his end goal. He felt shame. He felt ashamed of himself for reacting how he did. To think that she held him so close, had so much trust in him to let him in like that... it must have taken so much courage and resolve to do that, things he didn't have. She'd trusted him enough to tell him these things and he'd run away, run away like he always did. He felt guilty. He felt disgusted with himself He hated himself for that. He should have stayed. He should have told her it was okay, that she was still Rei, that he still cared, and even if it made him a little uncomfortable he could work past it. But he didn't. He'd run away and he knew that everything was worse for it. He'd hurt her because he'd been too shocked to do anything else but run. She was probably angry with him. He deserved that...

As he walked, the anger toward himself shifted from himself to someone else, his father. To think that Rei, her very life, was something his father had constructed just to control, to suppress, to dominate, to lord over, to... manipulate and control! It was no wonder Rei was so shy, so stoic, so full of pain, just like him, when he'd met her. She was yet another person his father had damaged. She was yet another victim of his schemes, just like his mother, just like Touji, just like himself. It filled him with fury. It made him see red...

He didn't pause when he reached the doors to his father's office. He threw them open and strode forward, his chest heaving with heavy breaths as he approached the desk in the distance by the window. He didn't hesitate for a moment when he saw his father look up at him, a soft, welcoming smile on his face. In fact, seeing that look on his father's face only served to make him angrier. To think that he'd actually believed his father had wanted to really connect with him. It was probably just a ploy, a trick, an attempt by the man to manipulate and control him.

"Oh, Shinji," his father greeted warmly, gesturing to the shogi board on the surface of the desk, the pieces exactly where they'd left them earlier in the day. "Have you come to finish our game?"

Shinji took the last few steps that closed the distance between him and the desk. The anger spilled out of him and with a swing of his arm he swept the board onto the floor with a clatter. "Bastard!" he spat, his whole body shaking.

His father's grin fell away, replaced by a cold stare. "What has brought about this outburst of yours?" he asked calmly, linking his fingers together atop the desk.

Shinji's heart skipped a beat, his breath coming in shaky gasps, his courage to do this starting to slip away. Being under that cold, distant look his father used to regard him with again was sapping his strength. Why was it so hard to confront him? Why, even now when, he had such a good reason to? He bowed his head. "Rei told me everything..." he hissed. "She showed me everything, everything down in Terminal Dogma, the clones... Why... why would you do such a thing?"

There was a pause. "I'm not sure I understand what you're getting at," his father replied.

That was enough to reignite his fire. "You created her!" he screamed, daring to look back into the older man's eyes. "You created her just to pilot the Eva! You gave her my mother's face!"

"Do you hold that against her?" his father asked.

"No!" Shinji shouted. "I hold it against you! She's a good person and you treated her like shit! You kept her isolated and alone just so you could have a perfect little soldier! You kept... spares of her for what, just in case she died!?"

His father placed his elbows on his desk and concealed his mouth behind his hands. He closed his eyes and drew a deep breath before letting out and staring back at him once again with that hardened glare. "I did..." he replied after a moment. "All of those things..."

Again, Shinji felt his strength being sapped away. "How could you do that to her?" he asked, his anger being replaced by a profound sadness as he remembered what Rei had told him about her upbringing. It was scarcely any better than his own of being abandoned... "Why did she deserve that?"

"She didn't..." his father responded, perhaps genuine regret in his tone, Shinji couldn't tell. After what he'd seen, how could he trust anything his father said to be real? "It was... I... I thought it was necessary."

Tears born of anger and despair filled his eyes. "Just like how abandoning me was necessary, is that it?" he croaked. He just wanted to understand. He wanted to understand why his father had caused him and Rei so much pain... "What was so necessary about any of it? Why was it so fucking necessary that we suffer?"

His father stared at him silently for what seemed like forever. When he did speak, his voice was like ice, the way it had been when he'd first come to NERV... "That's a conversation I don't think you're ready to have..." he replied flatly.

Shinji bowed his head and grit his teeth as angry tears spilled down his cheeks. Of course he should have known this would happen when he came to confront his father. His father never gave him answers for anything, why would that change now? "Fine then..." he hissed, turning away.

He'd managed to take only a few steps when his father's voice once again pierced his ears. "Do you intend to quit piloting over the things Rei's shown you?"

Shinji stopped in his tracks and drew a deep breath to steady himself, steeling his resolve. It was tempting, but he couldn't do that to the people he'd grown to care for. He couldn't do that to Misato, Asuka, and especially Rei, not after what she'd trusted him with... "No," he replied coldly, unwilling or unable to turn back and face his father. "I'll keep piloting until the last Angel is dead. After that, we'll never speak to each other again..."

His father didn't respond...

Shinji winced. The silence was more painful than any rebuff or retort ever could have been. He quickly exited the office in a fog, the tears nearly blinding him. Even confronting his father made him feel guilty. Things had actually been improving between them or so he'd thought. Was it a lie? After the way his father had reacted when he'd confronted him he couldn't be sure of either. All he was certain of was that he'd pushed his father away, perhaps for good, and he may have done the same with Rei because of his cowardice.

The shame, the guilt, the pain, and the sorrow were all too much. His world was falling apart and there was nothing he could do about it. All he could do was hope that Rei could forgive him for running away. He wanted to go to her, to apologize for reacting how he did, to tell he that he still cared about her, that he still could accept her... but he was afraid. He was too afraid to go and do that. He didn't want to risk that final rejection if she couldn't forgive him. For now he just wanted to be alone. Even if it was just putting off the inevitable it was easier than confronting that pain. It was better to just... be alone right now.

It was a coward's resolve and he knew it, but he was too distraught to do anything else...

---

As soon as his son had left the office Gendo breathed a shaky sigh and leaned his head forward, placing his forehead in his hands as the enormity of what had just transpired washed over him.

When his son had come back to his office he'd suspected nothing other than a desire to finish their game of Shogi but nothing could have been farther from the truth. The first queue that something was amiss was how Shinji had approached, how his posture was tense with raised shoulders. The second was angry scowl on his face. He'd expected some kind of confrontation, most likely about the Second Child being replaced, but what his son had laid bare before him was beyond anything he could have expected or improvised a response to. Hell... even if he'd tried to plan a response to it he wouldn't have been able to.

"I suppose this is what I deserve..." he muttered to himself. "My son's scorn is well deserved..."

It was the bitter truth. He knew he deserved his son's ire. He knew that sending his son away was wrong, he knew that treating Rei as he had was wrong, and those were things he could never fully make up for. He'd known that even as he'd done them on some level and yet he'd done it anyway, all in the pursuit of a grand dream that Yui would never have even approved of. Even knowing that, he'd raised his guard like he always had, an instinctive response to conflict. Instead of apologizing, offering consolation, or trying to explain himself, he'd simply raised his walls and deflected, telling his son that he wasn't ready to hear the truth because he was throwing a tantrum. It was just like how his own father had treated him when he'd gotten emotional. It was that same kind of behavior that had forced him to learn to be cold, calculating, guarded, predatory...

Thinking about those things stirred a fire in him. He hadn't thought about his own upbringing in years and yet it was smacking him in the face with how similar things were to it. He slammed his fist on his desk and let out a snarl of frustration, rage, loathing, and sorrow.

"Is it the son's fate to repeat the sins of the father?" he asked aloud. "Is it truly my fate to be yet another stain in the tapestry of the human condition?"

There was nothing but silence in reply, nothing but the echoes of an empty room...

He slumped back in his chair and stared up at the ceiling, taking in the sight of the Sephiroth adorning it. It was so ironic. To think that only once he'd started taking steps to make amends with his son, only then did he suffer complete repudiation. It was irony in the purest sense. It would have been funny if it weren't happening to him, now, in the moment...

It left the question... where did he go from here?

He knew deep down that he couldn't simply reach out to his son and apologize. If he did it would probably be met with even more scorn. His son was a better person than he was, and he'd probably demand that he apologize to Rei before accepting anything. It was something he'd already attempted to do by giving her the key to her own destiny, but something that he would have no way of explaining in a way that would leave Shinji anything but horrified. It left him in a dicey situation. It left him as he'd been for most of his life, alone and impotent to explain himself...

But... there had to be a way. He had to explain himself in a way that his son would understand the regrettable actions he'd undertaken. There had to be a way he could speak the truth to him in a way he'd be able to accept it. He knew that if he couldn't manage that then he'd have nothing but regret for the wretched life he'd led... and after a moment of pondering he knew exactly what to do.

He reached into his desk and grabbed the tape recorder he kept in the drawer beside his gun and placed it on his desk. But where to begin? He heaved a heavy sigh... Was this what it had come to? Was this what he'd come to as a man, an impersonal confession of his sins?

He sat there, holding the tape recorder in his hand, completely at a loss as for what to do...

---

Ritsuko sat in her office, smoking a cigarette, playing over what she'd just experienced alongside Shinji and Rei. If she'd ever had any doubts about the depth of Rei's feelings for the commander's son they'd been dashed by the blue haired girl's reaction to how he'd fled after she'd shown him the truth. Seeing Rei bare everything to him and be met with fear, to see him flee after she'd shown him her utmost vulnerability... she sympathized. She couldn't help but see herself in Rei, how she desperately wanted to be loved but circumstance made it impossible... it was just like her.

She blew a plume of smoke and watched it dance in the air. Knowing that Rei, someone she'd once seen as below her, inhuman, a drone, could express her feelings and bare her soul to the person she cared about most made her want to do the same... and yet after coming back to her office and soothing the blue haired girl for a good hour or so she doubted her own resolve. Could she really tell Gendo how she felt for him? Could she really confess how she'd admired him, how she'd been enamored with him, how she'd loved him and wanted to be loved by him even knowing what he'd done with her mother? It hurt. It hurt so bad... and yet she needed to tell him. If Rei had the resolve to show Shinji everything then she should have the resolve to tell Gendo how she felt.

And yet she felt so weak...

She snubbed her cigarette in the ashtray atop her desk. No... No, she wouldn't let herself remain powerless and afraid. She wouldn't allow her logic to override her emotions any longer. If she was to ever find closure then she needed to confront Gendo, tell him how she'd felt, make him understand the depth of her feelings, and go from there...

She rose from her desk and took a deep breath. She had to do this before she lost her courage... but what would she say to him? Would she tell him that she'd admired him as a scientist and administrator since she'd met him? Would she be honest and tell him how jealous she'd been of her mother's affair with him? Would she tell him about how disgusted she'd been when she'd discovered his true intentions? Would she tell him how him holding her when he was drunk had roused sympathies, made her feel needed, and made her feel uncomfortable all at once? Would she be able to tell him that part of her still wanted him, physically and emotionally, even after knowing everything?

She had to try at the very least...

As she left her office her heart began to race. She was going to do this. She was actually going to this and face the consequences whatever they would be. She was going to be honest with him just like Rei had been honest with Shinji and tell him everything... but what would she say? Was she prepared for how he might react? Was she prepared for what she herself might do or say? She supposed that she'd just have to simply... go with the flow, something she had never really been good at. It wasn't in her nature to improvise.

"Come on, Ritsuko..." she muttered to herself as she strode forward. "If Rei can do it then so can you..."

---

The lights of the geofront had dimmed into the pale orange glow of evening. Gendo sat at his desk with his forehead resting on his palm, staring at the tape recorder sitting on his desk, deep in contemplation. He had no idea how long it had been since Shinji had left his office but he supposed it didn't matter. He was numb, feeling as lost as he had when Fuyutsuki had told him the truth about Yui's aims, except this time he didn't have any substance to numb his emotions. So he simply sat there as if in a trance, trying desperately to clear his head enough to hit record. It had been like that for minutes, hours... he didn't know how long.

He heard the door to his office open and didn't even bother looking up to see who it was. It was probably Fuyutsuki coming to discuss the situation with the Second Child and the coming selection of the Fifth Child, something he simply didn't have the motivation to deal with at the moment. He simply wanted to be left alone. "What is it?" he called out absently.

"Sir, do you have a moment to talk?" came the response.

He lifted his gaze, surprised by who it was. "Dr. Akagi?" he responded, puzzled. Why was she here? What did she want to speak with him about? "You wish to discuss something with me?"

She shuffled on her feet and dipped her head, averting her gaze. "I do..." she replied quietly, standing still, far way across the room. "Quite a few things actually..."

He scowled. He didn't want to see anyone right now, least of all her. "Can it wait?" he snapped. "I'm not in the mood for idle conversation."

Dr. Akagi shook her head, meeting his gaze with a steely expression. "No..." she replied. "I don't... I don't think it can."

His scowl deepened. "I'm truly not in the mood," he replied. "If it's not important then leave."

She once again bowed her head. "It's important to me, sir..." she returned quietly but resolute.

Never once had she questioned his authority like this. It was a bit unnerving. Was she here to dredge up the incident in his quarters when he was intoxicated? His lip curled at the thought. That was something that he felt deep shame and not something he wanted to relive in any form... even if he was grateful for the warmth she'd allowed him in that moment. "What is it that you want then?" he scoffed. "Have you come to repudiate me like my son did?"

She flinched and even at the distance she stood from his desk he could see her eyes widen. "You... you spoke with him today?" she asked.

He breathed a heavy sigh and glowered down at his desk, the memory of that bitter conversation playing over in his mind. "Yes..." he grumbled. Couldn't she get the hint that he just wanted to be left the fuck alone?

"I'm surprised he came to see you so soon after what he saw..." Dr. Akagi replied after a moment.

His stomach did a flip and now it was his turn for his eyes to turn to saucers. He glared at her. "You know something," he accused. "Speak..."

Dr. Akagi folded her arms across her chest and bowed her head. "I... I went with Rei and Shinji down to Terminal Dogma earlier today..." she replied meekly.

"Why?" Gendo snapped reflexively in response.

Dr. Akagi drew a deep breath and let it out. After a moment she lifted her gaze to meet his and spoke with her chin held high. "Rei wanted support," she replied evenly. "Rei... Rei cares deeply for your son and wanted to tell him the truth about who and what she is. She wanted me to come with them when she showed him everything."

Gendo sat in his desk, his jaw slightly slack, processing what he'd just heard. It seemed so out of the ordinary, so completely unexpected that it left him confused and yet intrigued. He found himself rather skeptical of her claim. "She wanted you to accompany her?" he inquired skeptically.

Dr. Akagi nodded and took a few steps closer to his desk before speaking again. "Yes. Rei and I have become... close... over the past few months. I talk with her regularly. She confides in me..." she replied. A small puff of a laugh escaped her lips as she began to ramble. "I know it's strange... I hated that girl for so long, but now she's... almost like a little sister to me... or a daughter. It's so strange..."

Gendo's eyebrows knit up at those words. He could look past Rei showing his son her origins, he could look past Dr. Akagi enabling it, but knowing she had once despised his ward was quite an unpleasant turn of events. "You despised Rei?" he inquired, his guard lowering. "Why?"

Dr. Akagi stared him in the face, her lips starting to quiver. "I did..." she replied. "Because she... she'd captured your affections, or so I thought..."

His mind was reeling. This conversation was taking such unexpected turns... "What are you getting at?" he inquired, completely puzzled. Was he hearing what he was thinking he was hearing? Did Dr. Akagi have the same toxic infatuation with him that her mother had?

Dr. Akagi sighed and took a few steps closer to his desk. Now they were at a reasonable distance for conversation but one at which he felt a distinct discomfort. She took a deep breath and let out a shaky exhale. "For the longest time I was... jealous of Rei... because you seemed to care so much about her," she replied.

Gendo tensed. Why did that sound so accusatory? Did she mean to say he didn't care about her? "I do care for her," he replied.

"I know," Dr. Akagi returned quietly, fidgeting with her lab coat and bowing her head. "I know you do, I just thought... I don't know. I thought you cared about her in the same way you cared about Yui-san, and as sick as that might be... it made me jealous..."

Gendo was at a loss. His throat was getting dry and his heart was beating fast. "Why are you bringing this up now?" he asked, unable to formulate any other response.

Dr. Akagi stepped closer to his desk, her gaze becoming more and more resolute. "I know about the affair you had with my mother..." she replied. "I saw the two of you once... on the bridge..."

Gendo couldn't formulate a response. To think that literally every last dirty secret that he'd ever kept was being dredged up in a single day was overwhelming. He simply sat there, looking at Dr. Akagi with a shell-shocked expression...

Dr. Akagi drew a deep breath and spoke again. "When you got involved with my mother I was resentful at first. Then... as I grew older and got to know you, I understood it. I understood why she wanted to be with you. You... you had such charm. You had such a drive to excel. You had this... powerful, noble, stoic leadership. I understood that. I loved that about you..."

Gendo felt his eyes starting to get misty. Was that really what the elder Dr. Akagi had thought of him? Were those really qualities that he actually possessed? Was he really something more than just a dirty schemer, vying for his own chance at control? Was that was Ritsuko Akagi saw him as? "Wh- why are you telling me this?" he stammered.

Dr. Akagi took another few tentative steps toward his desk. By now she was standing mere meters away. "Because I care about you..." she murmured softly. "Because I wanted you... because even after knowing everything, thanks to Rei, I still want you..."

Gendo's heart was beating fast but he did his best to retain his calm. His lips once again curved down in a scowl as he stared back at her. "Why?" he returned. That was the only word he could muster...

She stepped closer to his desk, now standing right before it. Now he was looking up at her from where he sat. "I've seen you at your lowest..." she replied, trailing off and looking down. "I've seen you at your most depraved and your most vulnerable. Even then, that admiration I felt for you never wavered. I still saw you as that fearless leader, that great strategist, all the things that drew me to you... the same things that drew my mother to you..."

Gendo couldn't bear to look at her any longer. The memory of how weak and pathetic he'd been during that drunken incident when she'd intruded into his quarters was playing out in his mind as if he was living it again. Now it was his turn to look away. He turned his head to the side. "Just stop..." he muttered. "Leave me alone..."

"I don't want to," she replied, rambling, her speech becoming more and more rushed, hurried, desperate... "And I know you don't want that, really. I know you want someone to be there for you. I know you feel bad about the thing's you've done, Rei's told me so. I know you gave her Adam and told her she can choose her own destiny!"

Gendo snapped back to face her, once again in complete shock. "What do you know!?" he exclaimed, the emotion starting to pour out of him in a way it hadn't in years. "Why are you telling me all this!? Can't you just let me suffer in peace!"

"I don't want to!" she shouted back, glaring at him before looking down and continuing in a hushed voice. "Because... because I love you..."

Gendo couldn't fathom those words. Someone other than Yui could actually love him? How? Why? It didn't make sense... "You don't mean that..." he replied quietly, unable to look away from her.

Dr, Akagi didn't flinch, didn't waver, didn't move at all. "I do..." she murmured softly. Then, after a short pause, she took another step closer to his desk. "Gendo, I do mean that..."

"Don't use my name..." he murmured reflexively, still unable to look her in the eye. No one, no one other than Yui was permitted to use his given name with him...

Dr. Akagi hesitated for a moment before speaking again. "Yui... you miss her even now..." she murmured. "That was why you couldn't accept my mother. That was why you couldn't accept anyone, not my mother, not me..."

Why did she have to bring up his wife? Why, especially when it was the truth? It was a bitter truth, a truth made even more hard to swallow by the knowledge that Yui intended to leave him behind, that Yui desired for him to look after Shinji in her stead. She would never have approved of any of the actions he'd taken since she'd left him, he knew that now, only too late for it to matter... "Shut up..." he growled.

"I won't," Dr. Akagi responded, her tone full of courage.

He whipped his head around and glared at her, saying nothing. She was lying to him, she had to be. There was no way that she was being honest. She wanted something from him, just like everyone did. She was trying to use him just like everyone always did...

"Don't you get lonely?" She asked, taking another step toward him, her lips curving downward. "Don't you get lonely shutting everyone out, hating everything, hating yourself?"

She was right, it was tiresome, and he couldn't deny it. All he could do was stared back at her in a mixture of defiance, anger, and spite...

She stepped closer and closer, eventually moving around his desk to get right up next to him. Now he didn't have anything separating the two of them, no barriers between them to distance himself from her... "I know you do..." she stated quietly. "You're lonely... just like me..."

"Please stop it..." he croaked weakly in response.

There was another pause before Dr. Akagi spoke again. "I know that you regret the path you chose," she said. "I know you want to change your ways. I know that you don't want to pursue whatever the people at SEELE want to do and I know that you've given up on whatever plans you had. You want to do right by your son, by Rei, by your wife..."

Gendo closed his eyes and bowed his head. He supposed that Rei must have told her everything if the two of them were close now. Still... it was hard to hear someone else say it. At the same time, it did offer some kind of comfort. "Stop..." he murmured.

She stepped closer and put her hands on his shoulders, making him flinch. It felt good to feel the warmth of another person, of a woman, but it was almost foreign now. "Please... look at me..." she spoke in a timid whisper.

As soon as he raised his face to do as she asked she kissed him. It took him by surprise but... he didn't want to fight her off. She was right that he was lonely, sad, afraid, conflicted, and full of self loathing. He wanted to push her away and yet he wanted to grab her and pull her close if only to feel warm and wanted once again, even if it was a trick, even if it was a lie on her part or his...

She broke the kiss, rested her forehead against his, and straddled his waist. She really was an attractive woman, and the look on her face told him that she wasn't lying to him. She wasn't doing this for an ulterior motive. She simply... wanted him for him. It was something that felt so alien and yet so alluring. It was so strange to be wanted... "Please... just let me in..." she whispered. "I want this. I want you. I need this..."

She kissed him again and after a moment Gendo surrendered to it. He needed this too. He needed anything to distract himself from the web of lies and deceit he'd built around himself. He wrapped his arms around her and kissed her back, stood up, and threw her down on his desk. He undid his belt and her hands snaked around his lower body. He kissed her again and she pressed herself tight against him.

Everything on his mind ceased to exist in that moment. They were simply two people, damaged by their choices and their circumstance, licking each other's wounds...

---

Author's notes

Well... it's finally happend. Rei has finally revealed most of the truth to Shinji... and everything is worse for it. Asuka has finally hit her rock bottom and the only person who she hasn't pushed away is set to become the pilot of Unit 02. This could get interesting...

I apologize that Kaji and Fujita didn't appear in this one, I know their plot thread is starting to become a fan favorite. However, I felt it far more important to focus on the themes at the core of the story I'm trying to tell, and the themes at the heart of NGE as a whole. I can imagine a lot of you are supprised by the way things unfolded between Ritsuko and Gendo in this one but I've had it in my mind to get them there for a long time. I feel it's fitting considering the stresses the two of them are under and Ritsuko's long suppressed feelings coming to the surface. However, it might not be a good thing for either of them...

I will also note that the ending scene is not the reason for the rating change. That will become appartent in the next few updates...

Most likely my take on the events of Episode 24 with be resolved in the next two chapters. That said, they will most likely be of colossal length. Then again... the length of this story has truly run away from me. To think that when I started this that I'd hoped to adapt the whole series in a nice, even 26 chapters... what a naive fool I was.

I hope this one lived up to the wait. Please read and review! Thank you all for making it this far.

Regards,

A.F.