Before I reformed, I always found love to be a foolish endeavor. Something that only those who believed in cutie marks could feel. I found myself to be "enlightened" and making plans to change the world into an equality themed utopia. I did not have the time to waste my emotions on feelings such as romance. After all, when Sunburst left, I lost faith in different ponies staying friends so imagine how that emotional outlook translated my feelings when it came to love?
Besides, what use would I have to fall in love? With so much precious time that could be used studying complex spells and leading Equestria to a new revolution, it would be a waste. The only thing I thought relationships were good for were to populate the planet and even then, that's just driven by hormones.
When I was spying on my enemies, I would see couples flirting and kissing each other and I would gag in disgust, even watching Spike fawn over Rarity was enough to make me want to vomit. I was smug however, as I was relieved at the fact that I would not fall to such emotions.
But then Twilight reached out to me after I tried to take revenge on her.
Even after graduating as her student and forming a bond with her, I still can't properly express how I feel about her. She makes my stomach turn, but in a good way, a new feeling I have never experienced in my life.
I'm not sure what I can say to describe it, she's just… Twilight. There's no other thing I can say about her to fully capture her kindness, her beauty, her grace, her hopeful eyes, or her bright smile.
Most of my friends seem to have similar feelings when they talk about romantic love, the way Rarity put it was: "Oh, it's absolutely divine! You get butterflies in your stomach, and it feels like you're shining and shimmering like a diamond and you feel as if all your worries melt away."
That can't be right; because all I feel is worry when it comes to my feelings for Twilight. I'm afraid things will be weird between us and if we would even stay friends afterwards.
Preposterous, of course we'd still be friends. If she hasn't left me now, she's not going to leave me over a crush.
I still remember how well she treated me, despite after every little thing I did, she never gave up on me. Despite my idiotic nature at times, she didn't ditch me or lock me in a cell but she kept me around, heck I heard that she even cried when she fantasized about what would happen if I left. She even wanted me to stay even after I no longer needed her services.
Should I believe there might be a chance that she could return my feelings?
UGH! Stop toying with me, heart. Don't give me hope, because I know it's just going to be destroyed as it always had. My childhood was nothing more than shattered hopes and crushed dreams, and Sunburst leaving was just the beginning of that long road of heartbreak.
But then again… Twilight is the one who got me to hope for a better life didn't she?
Maybe I can allow myself to be hopeful just this once.