People often say "I'd tell my past self this…" or "If I could talk to my younger self, I'd say this…"
Usually they'd continue with, "Don't give up on your dreams!" or "If things are rough, don't worry, it'll become better!"
Maybe they'd want to tell them what mistakes to not make, maybe they'd tell them what to watch out for, maybe they'd warn them of future hardships.
What about the 12 peak lords of Cang Qiong?
First, let's go back to how this situation first started.
Liu Qingge found a strange artifact on one of his night hunts, aka he found a strange object, tried to destroy it, but couldn't, and brought it back to Cang Qiong to figure out how to break it. (Luckily Shang Qinghua saw him and stopped him before he could.)
Shang Qinghua identified the artifact to be a memory type artifact (of course, the author knows all). It could bring up an illusion of the user's happiest memory, and the user can speak to themselves in the illusion. "It's a great artifact to help depression and sadness!" he had said.
(It had been used for a wife plot, where Luo Binghe accidentally activated the artifact with a girl whose father had died. They saw the girl's memory of her and her father when she was young, leading to emotional dialogue and Luo Binghe comforting her and of course, papapa. But the girl was happy afterwards, at least.)
When he suggested, at the peak lord meeting, for someone to try it, everyone immediately volunteered themselves.
"There's this herb that I just can't seem to remember the name of, if I could ask my past self this then it would really be helpful," said Mu Qingfang.
Qi Qingqi snorted. "A herb? You're just too lazy to search through your books for the name, Mu-shidi. Well, I want to use it too! It would be nice if I could see my shizun again."
"I want to see my shizun again, too. I want a rematch," said Liu Qingge, which earned him a smack from Qi Qingqi.
"Idiot! Didn't you hear Shang-shixiong? He said you can only interact with your past self."
"Well, I think Zhangmen-shixiong should use it, because he always seems very tired and somewhat sad," mentioned Wei Qingwei, eliciting a smile from Yue Qingyuan.
"I'm sad too," piped in the peak lord of Zui Xian. (Their name? No one knows.)
"That's because you're sober now!"
Mu Qingfang said, "If we're going by who needs cheering up the most, then it should be…"
Everyone's gaze turned to Shen Qingqiu. Always scowling, rarely in a good mood… maybe he's the one who needs to use the artifact! Shen Qingqiu's eye twitched. "No."
Slightly disappointed, the peak lords sighed and went back to their bickering. Shang Qinghua suggested, "We can take turns using it, you know…"
"Then I want to use it first," said Liu Qingge. "I found it."
"You only want to fight! Don't tell me you're going to fight your younger self? No!"
"I really need to know the name of that herb…"
"Like I said, just check your books-"
As several hands tried to reach towards the artifact, one accidentally pushed it off the table. Shang Qinghua thought, oh no! It activates when dropped onto a hard surface (he had written so for the sake of plot)! And with so many people around it…
The artifact dropped, and Qi Qingqi, Liu Qingge, Mu Qingfang, Shang Qinghua, and Shen Qingqiu dropped unconscious.
…they'll activate the artifact together… thought Shang Qinghua as he opened his eyes into a misty dreamspace. He looked around, and found his martial brothers and sister standing next to him. Ah, as I thought- wait, why is Shen Qingqiu here?! "Shen-shixiong, why are you…"
"Tried to catch it," the man huffed. Shang Qinghua 'ah'ed, then noticed that his hand was tightly clenched around his fan. Oh fuck, of course! Shen Qingqiu's 'happy memories' were very, very private, of course he wouldn't want his martial siblings prying…
"Um, the artifact will only work for a maximum of 3 people in one session. So not everyone will get to view their past…" Shang Qinghua said quickly, as the mist around them cleared.
"Only 3 people, huh? Who's memory are we in right now, then?" asked Mu Qingfang. The five of them looked around. They were inside a large room, definitely in a noble's house.
"Ah," said Liu Qingge, and they all knew that this was his memory. Shen Qingqiu let out a small, almost silent sigh of relief, that was missed by everyone except Shang Qinghua.
Suddenly, the noise of loud crying startled them, and they noticed that there was a woman holding a baby sitting in the centre of the room. Two men stood next to her, one visibly older than the other. Liu Qingge and his parents, the other four thought to themselves. Then the baby is… Liu Mingyan?
The baby cried again, and illusion-Liu Qingge looked extremely puzzled as he tried to make it stop. By continuously poking the baby. Mu Qingfang sighed, Qi Qingqi facepalmed, Shang Qinghua's mouth twitched, and Shen Qingqiu… had a fan in front of his face, so his expression was indiscernible.
Finally, the baby stopped crying after illusion-Liu Qingge got scolded by his mother for messing around. When all of them had warm smiles on their faces, they looked like the perfect image of a loving family. Illusion-Liu Mingyan stretched her arms, giggling, and illusion-Liu Qingge's father touched her small hands.
"Your name shall be Mingyan," he whispered, though it was loud enough for them to hear. "Mingyu, take care of your younger sister. You two have a large age difference, and it might be hard to deal with young children, but you two are siblings. As siblings, you have to be there for each other, support each other no matter what, and most importantly, love each other. Can I trust you to do that, Mingyu?" Illusion-Liu Qingge nodded with conviction, and his father smiled and patted his back.
Shen Qingqiu breathed, "Be there for each other, support each other, love each other. Siblings…" His eyes were filled with unfathomable emotion, and the hand that held his fan clenched even harder. Is that what we were meant to be, Qi-ge? And yet…
Then, the people and surroundings faded, leaving only illusion-Liu Qingge. He turned to the five of them, without saying a word. "Liu-shidi, this is your chance to speak to your past self," Shang Qinghua whispered. Slowly, Liu Qingge unsheathed his sword. Everyone facepalmed, as the two Liu Qingges fought each other.
"Brutes," commented Shen Qingqiu, and for once, Qi Qingqi nodded in agreement.
Soon, Liu Qingge walked back towards them. "I won," he said triumphantly.
"Of course you won, Liu-shidi. It would be very disappointing if you lost to an illusion of yourself," said Shen Qingqiu, receiving an eye roll from the other.
The scene changed, and they looked at their surroundings again. This time, they were in Cang Qiong, at An Ding Peak. They stood inside a room, once again, but this time it was cramped and filled with papers. In the centre of the room, there was a desk, which had several stacks of paper on it and a tired, familiar man sitting behind. Shang Qinghua's memory! Illusion-Shang Qinghua spoke, "Ah, this is the least paperwork I've had since forever~ tonight I can sleep! Sleep! Wo de tian, I thought this day would never come!"
Everyone watching: "..."
"In my defense," Shang Qinghua said with a slight pout, "have you ever had to do paperwork for 3 days and 3 nights in a row without sleeping? Oh, of course you haven't, because all that paperwork was given to An Ding Peak! Let me have a happy paperless day, please."
Once again, the surroundings disappeared, and Shang Qinghua spoke to his illusion self, "Bro, be happy whilst it lasts. Tomorrow, Liu-shidi will give you his paperwork, which as usual has been done by his disciples, and you'll have to correct it and redo it, costing you 2 nights worth of sleep. Enjoy your freedom whilst you can." Illusion-Shang Qinghua groaned, and buried his face in his hands. Shang Qinghua nodded empathetically. "Same, bro, same."
The other peak lords watched this exchange with amusement.
The scene changed again, and this time they stood in front of an alleyway. Two boys sat on the ground, huddled together with a torn rag around them. Their dirty clothes and faces showed that they were homeless children, yet their faces were happy. One of the boys had a slightly fierce look on their faces, while the other looked kinder. Both were oddly familiar.
"Needless to say, this isn't my memory," said Qi Qingqi.
"Not mine, either," said Mu Qingfang. Then, it can only be-
Crack! The peak lords turned their heads towards the sound of something breaking. The fan in Shen Qingqiu's hand had been destroyed by his grip. Chips of wood pierced his hand, and blood slowly dripped down, but he didn't show any sign of caring. His eyes were wide, his body trembling, and his jaw clenched.
Looking at the fierce looking boy, they could see a faint resemblance in him with Shen Qingqiu. But it was hard to see, because of all the dirt smudged on his face. That is Shen Qingqiu?!
"Qi-ge, come closer, this thing won't cover you if you sit so far away," said illusion-Shen Qingqiu.
"It's okay, Xiao Jiu," the other boy said. Isn't that Yue Qingyuan?! "Qi-ge is fine-"
"Don't be stubborn! Fine, I'm moving closer then." Illusion-Shen Qingqiu shuffled closer, and illusion-Yue Qingyuan chuckled. The two sat together, eyes closed, with serene expressions. Three out of five of the peak lords watched them with their mouths dropped. Shang Qinghua watched Shen Qingqiu nervously.
"Qi-ge, you'll be by my side forever, right?" illusion-Shen Qingqiu said suddenly. Illusion-Yue Qingyuan nodded without hesitation. "Of course."
"You promise?"
"Yes-"
"No."
The other four peak lords looked at Shen Qingqiu, who was now glaring with as much hate as possible. "You liar," he whispered again. Strangely, he was trembling even more. Belatedly, Mu Qingfang realised that Shen Qingqiu was nearing a qi deviation.
"Shen-shixiong! Calm down!"
"Shen Qingqiu, why are you-"
"Mu-shidi! Hurry up and try to get Shen-shixiong to calm down!" Shang Qinghua yelled. "If one of the users is unstable whilst using the artifact, it will change from a happy memory to their worst memory!"
But it was too late. Their surroundings abruptly changed, and they were now in a dark room. It was a bedroom, they realised. Shen Qingqiu gasped, and collapsed. "No… no, no, no-"
"Strip," said a cold voice. They looked at the person who had spoken. A young man wearing extravagant clothes stood over a young boy wearing rags. Shen Qingqiu, they realised the boy was. A slave, they also realised.
Illusion-Shen Qingqiu shivered, not unlike the actual Shen Qingqiu, and he looked fearfully at the man above him. "M-master Qiu…"
"Would you rather I do it?" 'Master Qiu' sneered. Illusion-Shen Qingqiu shook his head quickly. And, with shaking hands, illusion-Shen Qingqiu began to take off his clothes.
"Don't do it!" yelled Qi Qingqi, trying to grab at the illusions, to no avail. Shang Qinghua covered Shen Qingqiu's eyes as Mu Qingfang dealt with his almost-qi deviation. Liu Qingge gripped his sword tightly, as if he wanted to destroy something. Shang Qinghua thought to himself, ah, that's right, this is the backstory that I gave to Shen Qingqiu…
When the clothes were finally off, 'Master Qiu' smirked. His hands began touching illusion-Shen Qingqiu's bare body, and choked sobs were heard. Qi Qingqi looked away, tears in her eyes. How many times had she heard stories of women being harassed by men? Too many to count. How many times had she actually experienced it herself? Zero. Yet, to think that one of the men she hated the most, Shen Qingqiu, was another one of the victims that she had sworn to protect. She looked at the actual man, who had just managed to stop his qi deviation. What have I done?
The scene dissolved, and the only ones left were illusion-Shen Qingqiu and the peak lords.
Qi Qingqi tried to talk to him. "Shen Qing- Shen-shixiong…" But he ignored her, as if he couldn't hear her, and just stared at his illusion self. Dull eyes returned the gaze. There was silence amongst them, as the two Shen Qingqius looked at each other.
Then Shen Qingqiu stood up and walked over towards his illusion self. Mu Qingfang tried to grab him, but once again he was ignored. It seemed that Shen Qingqiu had forgotten that the other peak lords were there.
He kneeled in front of the illusion. "You."
He closed his eyes, and took a shuddering breath. "Don't wait for Qi-ge," he finally whispered. "Leave this place. Don't trust anyone, don't believe in anyone. Because your life will be filled with betrayals. You will never be happy again. They say they love you, they say they'll be there for you, they say they're your family. They're lying. Everyone will leave you, and you will be alone. Only when you don't know love, you don't know hope, you don't know how to believe… only then will you be safe. Happy? Who knows. But you'll be safe. No one can hurt you if you never give your heart to anyone."
Illusion-Shen Qingqiu looked at him. "You didn't do that," he said. "Did you wait for Qi-ge?"
"I did," Shen Qingqiu replied. "And it was the worst decision of my life."
"Why?" the illusion asked.
Shen Qingqiu smiled bitterly. "Because I gave my heart to him, and it got shattered into pieces."
Then, in an even softer voice, he said, "And yet, even when knowing that, you'll still choose to believe in him. Even though you know you'll get hurt, you will still choose to love. Because Xiao Jiu loves Qi-ge, Xiao Jiu will support Qi-ge, Xiao Jiu will always be there for Qi-ge. Because Xiao Jiu will always be Qi-ge's brother, in his heart. Even when Qi-ge left him, even when Qi-ge betrayed him, even when Qi-ge gave up on him… I will always be that hopeless fool, no matter what anyone says."
The illusion disappeared, and the 5 peak lords woke up to the other peak lords crowding around Shen Qingqiu. Yue Qingyuan held him, and gasped when his eyes opened. "Xiao Jiu! Are you alright?" he asked, voice full of worry. Shen Qingqiu looked blankly at him.
"Why are you touching me?" he asked.
"Because Shen-shixiong started crying and screaming all of a sudden," explained Wei Qingwei. Shen Qingqiu looked over to his direction, his dull eyes not quite focusing. Then, he passed out.
"Xiao J-"
"Zhangmen-shixiong," interrupted Mu Qingfang. Yue Qingyuan looked up at the healer, finally noticing that the others had woken up too. "Please let me take Shen-shixiong to my peak. He almost got a qi deviation just then. I would like to check his state, on my peak, where I have full access to my medicines. Please." Although he was asking, his voice left no room for refusal. Hesitantly, Yue Qingyuan handed Shen Qingqiu to Mu Qingfang, who made Liu Qingge carry him.
Without another word, they left, Qi Qingqi following. She didn't want to stay with Yue Qingyuan any longer, not after what she had just witnessed. Not until she got answers.
Shang Qinghua tried to leave as well, but Yue Qingyuan grabbed his arm. "Shang-shidi, what happened?" he asked, desperately.
Shang Qinghua bit his lip. "Unfortunately, Zhangmen-shixiong, I believe it's not my place to tell you. You may ask Shen-shixiong when he is well," he said. "And when Mu-shidi approves of it," he added with an afterthought. Then he left, leaving the rest of the peak lords befuddled and worried.
Meanwhile, Shen Qingqiu had awoken from his 'fainting', which really had been an act to avoid answering questions. His plan worked, except he didn't expect it to be because of Mu Qingfang's interference. Halfway on the way to Qian Cao, he opened his eyes, and was shocked to find himself being held by Liu Qingge. He stiffened. He wasn't afraid of Liu Qingge like he was afraid of men (the brute was too much of an idiot, and annoyingly righteous), but he was apprehensive about him spreading rumours. He's definitely going to babble about me being a slave, he thought bitterly. Let everyone know that the Qing Jing peak lord is even more of a disgrace than they thought. Let them know that he used to be a slave. Let them know how dirty he is-
"Stop that." Liu Qingge's voice interrupted his thoughts. "I can see your eyebrows furrowing. Stop thinking so much."
Shen Qingqiu scoffed. "Stop thinking? And become an idiot like you?"
Liu Qingge rolled his eyes, but didn't drop him, contrary to his expectations. "I meant, relax. I won't spread rumours anymore. I won't tell anyone about what I saw. That's what you're thinking about, right? So stop thinking about it. I swear I won't."
Shen Qingqiu stared at him, untrusting. "Even if you swear to not," he said slowly, "what about the others?"
They had just arrived at Qian Cao. Mu Qingfang, who was walking in the front, turned slightly. "Shen-shixiong, as a healer, I keep my patients' details private if they wish. You have my word that I won't tell anyone, if that is what you want."
Qi Qingqi had caught up with them. "Shen-shixiong, I won't tell anyone either."
Shen Qingqiu sneered. "Oh? So now you call me shixiong? After all my dirty secrets have been exposed? Why does it take the worst parts of me to be brought to light before I can even get an ounce of respect?"
Qi Qingqi didn't reply, instead looking down at her feet with guilt.
They entered a room, and Liu Qingge lay Shen Qingqiu on the bed as gently as he could. Mu Qingfang called one of his female disciples to check Shen Qingqiu's condition, noting his tenseness when he had tried to touch him.
The disciple left, after confirming that his condition was fine, and silence filled the room.
"I'm not telling you anything," said Shen Qingqiu suddenly. Mu Qingfang nodded.
"You don't need to," he assured him. Shen Qingqiu simply closed his eyes, and turned away from them.
Shang Qinghua entered the room. "Is Shen-shixiong alright?" he asked. Shen Qingqiu gave a 'mn' in reply.
"Leave," he said. "Everyone except Shang-shidi, leave."
Reluctantly, the other three left, after Mu Qingfang gave instructions to Shang Qinghua to check on Shen Qingqiu periodically. When they were gone, Shang Qinghua plopped down onto a chair next to the bed. "How does Shen-shixiong feel?" he asked quietly.
Surprisingly, Shen Qingqiu had a good relationship with Shang Qinghua. They often hung out with each other, even if it was just helping the latter with his paperwork. Shang Qinghua had sought out to be his friend when they were disciples, wishing to help his villain a little. And their unlikely friendship had progressed to the point where they revealed tidbits of their past to each other. So, Shen Qingqiu had already told Shang Qinghua about him being a slave in the past, trusting him enough to keep it a secret.
"I don't like it," Shen Qingqiu murmured. "I don't like the fact that they know. I hate it. I can feel them judging me."
Shang Qinghua reached to hold the other's hand. Shen Qingqiu gripped lightly. "It's even worse that they care," he said softly. "I don't want their pity. I- I just want…"
"Acknowledgement," Shang Qinghua finished, and Shen Qingqiu nodded.
"But it's way too late for that. Why… why did it have to take this to happen before I could be acknowledged? Why can they get it so easily without their life being told to everyone else? Why must I be the one who is hated?"
Because I made it that way, thought Shang Qinghua. Because I made you the villain. He put his other hand on top of Shen Qingqiu's. I'm sorry. But I know that apology will never be enough.
Shen Qingqiu's breathing evened out, as he fell asleep.
So I will stay by your side. It's the very least that I can do to make up for the life you had to live. I want you to be happy, Shen Qingqiu…
And Shang Qinghua fell asleep as well, still holding Shen Qingqiu's hand.
ExtraShen Qingqiu looked at the child in front of him.
The child looked back at him with dull eyes. All emotion had been wrung out from the torture he just suffered. And yet, when Shen Qingqiu looked for long enough, the faintest light, the last flicker of hope, could still be seen.
The hope that Qi-ge would come for him.
The child was Shen Jiu. Shen Jiu was not Shen Qingqiu. Shen Qingqiu did not believe in Qi-ge anymore. Shen Qingqiu did not know Qi-ge anymore. Shen Qingqiu only knew Yue Qingyuan, the traitor, the sect leader, the apologiser, the liar.
Shen Qingqiu did not hope. He didn't dare to, after being hurt so many times before.
He looked at Shen Jiu. Shen Jiu looked back at him.
You are not me.
And yet, he knew that in his heart, underneath the deepest, darkest depths, under layers and layers of masks, he was Shen Jiu, the injured soul who still desperately hung onto the belief that Qi-ge would still come back for him, that he would still care for him, that he would still love him no matter what.
But Qi-ge was gone. Wearing his face was Yue Qingyuan. And never, ever, would they be the same to Shen Qingqiu. Never.
What could Shen Qingqiu tell Shen Jiu? How to live his life, so that he wouldn't get more hurt than he already was? How to stop believing in others, how to lose faith in people? How to believe in his own worthlessness? How to never trust? How to give up on Qi-ge? (He couldn't do that, he didn't even know how to himself.)
The longer he lived, the less reasons he had to continue living. Maybe he should just tell Shen Jiu to kill himself, because barely anything in his future would be worth the suffering.
But then again, there was Qi-ge. He was alive.
If there was Qi-ge, then there would be Xiao Jiu. That's how it always was, and that's how it always will be. Because Qi-ge needs Xiao Jiu to protect him. And Xiao Jiu needs Qi-ge to love him.
Even if he told Shen Jiu what was to come, even if he told him that everyone would hate him, even if he told him that he would be alone, even if he told him that Qi-ge will leave him, Shen Jiu wouldn't listen.
And Shen Qingqiu knew that best, because, well. He was Shen Jiu.
Even after he said so much to Shen Jiu, he knew that it was useless.
As he felt the illusion disappearing, he hugged the child.
"I'm sorry," he whispered. "From the very beginning, you were doomed."
"There will never be a happy ending for us."