Shen Qingqiu didn't know what crime he had committed in his past life, but it must have angered the heavens for him to be cursed to return to the past.
Or why else would the gods above bring him back to life, back to his disciples days, when he had ended his miserable existence?
When he woke up on a bed, in the room of the head disciple, something in him snapped.
He didn't know what happened afterwards, but when he came back to 'reality', his shizun was there, restraining him as he stood in a room full of debris.
Thinking he had a qi deviation, his shizun sent him to Qian Cao peak for a check up. It was there where he found out that his crippled cultivation was suddenly… not. He had a perfect golden core, healthy spiritual veins and unclogged meridians. For the first time in his entire life, he was perfectly healthy.
And yet, his mind was in chaos. The price of his 'recovery' was his mental state, it seemed. But no one but himself knew of it. And Shen Qingqiu would make sure that no one ever knew.
When he was walking back to his own peak, as usual, Bai Zhan disciples launched an attack on him. Shen Qingqiu of the past would have sneered at them, insulting them in every poetic language he knew before fighting them.
But that Shen Qingqiu was one who hadn't experienced the cruellest revenge before. That Shen Qingqiu hadn't been truly abandoned by an entire sect, hadn't had his limbs torn off as a mark for every mistake he made.
That Shen Qingqiu wasn't a monster in the body of a perfect scholar.
In a blink of an eye, the Bai Zhan disciples were all lying on the floor, unconscious and bloody (Shen Qingqiu wouldn't kill, not yet).
Shen Qingqiu knew that there were others around him who had witnessed the one sided slaughter, but he was only focused on the blood on his robes.
Once upon a time, he would've detested it. His pretence of a pure scholar was ruined by blood, he always thought, because the blood reminded him of his dirty clothes from when he was on the streets.
At some point, he got used to it; seeing his own blood seep through his white robes that soon became red.
How nice was it to see blood on his robes, blood that wasn't his own?
Shen Qingqiu didn't know it, but the smile on his face caused a new rumour to spread; the head disciple of Qing Jing liked blood.
When he was in the water prison, he thought that all his anger had dispersed, replaced with a hollowness in him. But now he knew it wasn't true. Why else would he be raging with the urge to kill?
He took a random mission; detaining demons in a nearby town, and instead of detaining them, he beheaded them all.
He could explain to the villagers why he had killed the demons; 'they were a nuisance that should be stopped'.
He could explain to his shizun why he hadn't followed the mission; 'they were too weak, and died'.
He could explain to himself why he had decided to kill; 'scum should die',
He couldn't explain why he felt satisfaction in seeing things die.
Maybe it was his wish to end his life in the water prison that caused Shen Qingqiu to become twisted. Maybe it was his hatred to the world for despising him, abandoning him, ignoring him. Maybe it was his desire to kill a certain half demon who hadn't even been born yet.
But once again, when he saw the demons fall to the ground, lifeless, he smiled.
It wouldn't be the last time he killed instead of whatever he was meant to do. And soon it was known that every mission Shen Qingqiu took would end with death.
But Shen Qingqiu no longer cared about the rumours surrounding him. He no longer cared about the looks people gave him when he passed by. He no longer cared about his own image.
All he could see was his target to kill, the blood on his clothes and sword. All he could feel was the dull anger in his soul, and the elation from death.
He stayed away from the brothel he used to visit, because the sane part of him knew that he was dangerous. The prostitutes were one of the only people he couldn't bear to see dead.
So instead, his life became full of blood. Kill, kill, kill. That was all he did.
It was at an inn where he heard his new name for the first time.
"There! That's him!"
"Who?"
"The Qing Jing Death God, Shen Qingqiu!"
A death god. Shen Qingqiu was a death god, one that had once wished to die more than anything.
"If he catches your eye, it means that your end is near…"
And Shen Qingqiu smiled bitterly to himself that day, thinking to himself that the only thing he could be acknowledged for was his crimes and the lives he ended in his wake. Because he knew that once upon a time, he had been 'righteous', and used to save people for noble reasons. But when had he ever been credited for his good deeds?
Shen Qingqiu could only bring death.
And yet, when he stood in the Lingxi caves, decades later, in front of a qi deviating Liu Qingge, his past self resurfaced for a brief moment.
He had killed Liu Qingge once. Was that why he couldn't bring himself to kill him again?
That day was the first time he had saved someone with only the intention of saving them, and not with the desire to satisfy his thirst for death.
[Liu Qingge lay there, barely breathing, close to death. A shaking hand touched Shen Qingqiu's face, tracing the tears trickling down his cheeks.
"Shen Qingqiu… why did you save me?"
But he'd never hear the answer, as he breathed his last breath, and his hand flopped back down to his side, never to move again.]
"Shen Qingqiu, why did you save me…?"
Liu Qingge sat up, bewildered eyes looking into the dull ones of Shen Qingqiu as the latter checked his meridians and veins.
Without a word, Shen Qingqiu stood up to leave, but Liu Qinge grabbed his sleeve.
Shen Qingqiu also wanted to know why he had decided to save Liu Qingge. In the past, he had wanted to kill him for the endless defeats, the rumours he spread, the insults he spat at him. And yet, he had wanted to save him twice (though the second time was unsuccessful).
This was the third time.
The first time, he saved him, but it was misunderstood.
The second time, he tried to save him, but killed him instead.
The third time, he saved him, and the action was acknowledged.
Shen Qingqiu didn't want to kill Liu Qingge anymore. Rather, he didn't feel anything towards him.
And yet, when he saved his life, he couldn't help the slight smile on his face.
Shen Qingqiu was overwhelmed with the new emotions he was feeling. The lightness of his heart, the underlying sorrow and regret of the past, and the happiness at seeing Liu Qingge alive.
He didn't know that he could appreciate life anymore. And yet-
He didn't know that he was crying when he turned to face Liu Qingge.
"Shen Qingqiu, why did you save me?"
"I don't know."
Shen Qingqiu thought he had left behind the emotions he rediscovered in the cave with Liu Qingge who had frozen on the spot.
And yet, things he had forgotten the feeling of were coming back to him, when he opened the door of his bamboo hut to Liu Qingge, who was holding a carcass of an animal.
Annoyance he felt, when Liu Qingge refused to explain the meaning behind his actions and left corpses at his door. Shen Qingqiu liked death, not dead bodies.
Exasperation he felt, when Liu Qingge followed him around wherever he went, no matter what Shen Qingqiu said or did.
Confusion he felt, when Liu Qingge blushed at random times (and annoyance again when he refused to explain why his face was red).
And a strange ticklish warmth in his heart he felt, when Liu Qingge did something right for once.
Soon, Shen Qingqiu no longer tried to chase away Liu Qingge, because for once he had feelings. He had found a new way to quench his murderous thirst without killing. And Liu Qingge would never leave him alone for too long, much to his reluctant relief.
But Shen Qingqiu was scared. He knew that Liu Qingge loved to fight, especially against worthy opponents. And the glimmer in his eyes whenever he saw Shen Qingqiu fight showed his eagerness to challenge him, just like in the past. He didn't know why he hadn't already, but he knew that soon Liu Qingge would ask him for a fight.
Shen Qingqiu wasn't afraid of losing. He was afraid of saying yes. He was afraid of killing Liu Qingge. He was scared of himself.
Shen Qingqiu knew he wasn't 'human' anymore. He was a killing machine, and all his fights ended in death. Would it be the same for Liu Qingge, he wondered.
Just as he feared, Liu Qingge asked him for a spar. And he said yes.
Shen Qingqiu had forgotten, but it was then that he remembered that Liu Qingge was the Bai Zhan war god. Liu Qingge was strong; an experienced fighter, even more so after learning a few tricks from watching Shen Qingqiu. Shen Qingqiu was immersed in the fight; dodging, striking, jumping, stabbing, blood…
It was when he saw blood that he froze. Why is there blood on my robes?
Kill kill kill kill kill-
Without a second glance, he fled back to his bamboo hut, slamming the door without regard to anyone else.
Blood.
Who's blood?
His, or mine?
Shen Qingqiu crouched in a corner, hands gripping his head. No, it's definitely his blood. I knew it, I really can't control myself. Did I try to kill Liu Qingge? How detestable, was killing him once not enough? I really am a monst-
At that moment, the door of his hut opened and closed, as someone walked in. Shen Qingqiu didn't need to lift his head to know who it was.
"Leave."
But he knew that Liu Qingge wouldn't leave, because he had promised to never leave him alone.
The sound of footsteps came closer, and stopped in front of him.
Then there was silence.
He didn't know how long the silence stretched on for. As the seconds went by, his arms slowly relaxed, and he found himself calming down. The lack of sound gave the illusion that he was alone, that Liu Qingge wasn't sitting in front of him.
Well, until Liu Qingge suddenly hugged him.
Shen Qingqiu's eyes opened, and he stiffened.
"Liu Qingge, get off."
No response.
"Liu Qingge, I said, get off."
No response.
"Liu Qingge, if you don't want to die then get the fuck-"
"You won't kill me."
Liu Qingge lifted his head from Shen Qingqiu's shoulder, and looked him in the eye.
"And how do you know that?" whispered Shen Qingqiu. "Didn't I- didn't I 'try to kill you' once before? Don't tell me you've forgotten, Liu Qingge?" He said his name with venom, none of which was real, but he needed Liu Qingge to get away from him before he got hurt.
Liu Qingge continued staring at him. Shen Qingqiu didn't lower his glare. Finally, Liu Qingge said, "You're bleeding."
And Shen Qingqiu snapped out of his self deprecation, as he brought hand to his face, and looked at his fingers stained with blood.
Shock. That was all he felt, when he realised that it was his own blood.
"Huh," he said unintelligibly, still staring at his own blood.
"You were going easy on me," Liu Qingge huffed, like a child complaining, "or why else would you bleed?"
Shen Qingqiu blinked like he was learning something for the first time ever. I can control myself?
"Did… did I really go easy on you?" he said, and Liu Qingge nodded.
But Shen Qingqiu couldn't keep thinking about it, when Liu Qingge suddenly pulled him forward so he was leaning into his embrace. He was still shocked, but in a different way. When was the last time someone had hugged him? When was the last time he had leaned on someone? When was the last time he had touched someone, without minding it?
"What are you so scared of?" he heard Liu Qingge say. "You saved me in the Lingxi caves. And you went easy on me just then. So I know you won't kill me. I trust you."
When was the last time someone had trusted him?
Cang Qiong didn't. Qi-ge didn't. His own disciples didn't. He himself didn't.
And yet, here Liu Qingge was, giving his trust to the most unstable person in the entire sect.
"Idiot," mumbled Shen Qingqiu, but he made no move to get out of the loose embrace he was in. "You will regret this."
"No. I said that I'd stay with you, and I didn't regret that. So I won't regret this either."
And Shen Qingqiu closed his eyes, knowing that when he opened them again, Liu Qingge would still be there as he had promised. There were a lot of things that needed to be said between them, but for the moment, he was content.
And for once, the hollowness of his heart wasn't filled by blood and death, but with warmth and, maybe, love.
Decades later, Shen Qingqiu would look back at his life, thinking about how it would have been without Liu Qingge. He would continue fighting; continue killing, continue raging at the world he was cursed to live in. He would continue ending every battle with death, smiling as the blood stained his clothes, his blade, his soul. And one day, he would fight his very last battle, ending with his own death.
When Shen Qingqiu thought of such a future, he couldn't help but wrap his arms a little tighter around Liu Qingge. He couldn't help but want to feel him, feel his beating heart, feel his warmth, feel that he was alive.
And Shen Qingqiu knew that the darkness that tainted his mind and soul would someday consume him, for he had lived two lives in hell, and even the purest love wouldn't be able to cure him. But until then, Shen Qingqiu would bask in the light of Liu Qingge, relish the pleasant emotions he felt, and the love that was given to him unconditionally.
Until then, Shen Qingqiu would live, and fight his inevitable future of death.
—
Liu Qingge knew that he wasn't particularly bright emotionally (or in any way, as Shen Qingqiu used to say).
But he knew that he hated one person (it was definitely hate right?). And he knew that that one person hated him back.
Shen Qingqiu.
They couldn't be within each other's presence without a fight, whether verbal or physical. They couldn't ever agree with each other, no matter what they were talking about. From the beginning to the end of each confrontation, it was always with insults. Their relationship would never change, because Shen Qingqiu would always be the scum that he was, and Liu Qingge would always hate that.
Until Shen Qingqiu changed.
It started with the rumour that Shen Qingqiu had wrecked his room in a fit of madness. Liu Qingge had ignored it, not thinking that it was important.
Then the rumours that Shen Qingqiu liked blood. Now that, to Liu Qingge, was strange. Shen Qingqiu always detested the blood and dirt on his clothes after every brawl they had. The first thing he'd always do would be to wash himself and change his clothes.
Not believing the rumours, he went to find Shen Qingqiu by himself.
And he found him, alone in a forest, drenched in the blood of demons that lay dead at his feet.
Liu Qingge, being the fool that knew no fear, called out to Shen Qingqiu.
He would never forget Shen Qingqiu's eyes. The once sharp and bright green was dull and dark. The eyes that used to be filled with distaste and scorn were now burning with a deep rage and bloodthirst. And yet, as Shen Qingqiu stood there, bodies around him, blood on him, Liu Qingge thought that he looked more alone than ever before.
They were only a short distance apart. But Liu Qingge knew that Shen Qingqiu had gone somewhere, far from his reach. He knew that Shen Qingqiu was no longer on the same level as him.
What happened to you? he wanted to ask. Why have you changed? What are you doing? Are you okay?
Instead, he said, "Zhangmen-shixiong is looking for you." (It wasn't really a lie; Yue Qingyuan was always looking for Shen Qingqiu for some reason or another.)
He waited for a sarcastic reply. A curt nod, a sneer of disgust, an arrogant glance. Anything that was 'Shen Qingqiu'.
He got nothing. Shen Qingqiu simply stood on his sword, and went back to the sect, not even acknowledging Liu Qingge's presence.
Liu Qingge didn't know how he should have felt. Happy that they weren't fighting? Annoyed that he was ignored? Confused by what he saw?
He knew what he did feel though. Sad.
He didn't know why.
That day was the start of him noticing Shen Qingqiu's changes. The eyebags, the dishevelled hair, the careless plain robes, the apathetic attitude. He didn't even use a fan anymore, for there was no expression to cover. He always carried his sword, Xiu Ya. Liu Qingge knew from their past fights that Xiu Ya used to glimmer in the light like a holy sword, evidently from the excessive care Shen Qingqiu gave it. But now Xiu Ya glowed with darkness, radiating an aura of death. Shen Qingqiu had that aura, no longer the 'scholar' he once tried to be.
And Liu Qingge would always feel a pang of sadness whenever he saw him. There was something about Shen Qingqiu that made him seem so lonely and hurt.
But no matter how much he observed Shen Qingqiu, he couldn't understand him at all. He couldn't even get closer, because Shen Qingqiu shut out everyone and everything from his heart.
Until the day he had his first qi deviation.
Liu Qingge thought that it would be his last day alive. What he didn't expect was for the 'death god' to save him from the brink of death.
"Why?" he asked Shen Qingqiu. "Why did you save me?"
And when Shen Qingqiu had cried, and replied in a soft voice, "I don't know", Liu Qingge realised how vulnerable Shen Qingqiu was.
They said that Shen Qingqiu only brought death. And yet, he had saved his life.
And finally Liu Qingge had a reason to stick to Shen Qingqiu. If Shen Qingqiu didn't know, then it was only right for Liu Qingge to make it his business to know.
Liu Qingge swore to never leave Shen Qingqiu alone. The man himself would never notice it, but Liu Qingge knew that he was lonely by himself. Liu Qingge knew that he needed someone to stop his destructiveness that hurt himself. And Liu Qingge would always make sure that he was always there for Shen Qingqiu, because if there was one thing he understood about Shen Qingqiu, it was that he needed Liu Qingge.
And Liu Qingge would give him everything, if it meant that Shen Qingqiu would smile, not at the sight of blood, but with true happiness.
Until then, he'd stay with him no matter what.
And after then? Liu Qingge knew he'd be with Shen Qingqiu, to the end.
Until death do them part.