.
.
"From here to here," Audulie said, and Tomoko stared, awestruck, as Princess Audulie bought her the entire rack of designer purses, giving them to Tomoko as a thank you gift.
"Princess." Tomoko's eyes were two shiny marbles as the store employee handed her the expensive bags. "You shouldn't have."
"Nonsense. I have the means, and you have helped me immensely. Come. Let us see about getting this 'Visa' so that I may tour the Americas."
Audulie spun on her heel as Tomoko trotted after her.
xXx
.
"You're lucky I know Mayumi's password, Princess. That way we can just import her old contacts."
They had bought Audulie a brand new phone, a necessary purchase if Audulie were to fully integrate into this world. The set-up was easy; Audulie beamed, pleased, as the phone started syncing.
"Let's take a selfie," Tomoko said.
"Selfie?" Audulie repeated. Tomoko grinned and wrapped her arm around Audulie's shoulders, holding up the phone.
"Smile, Princess," Tomoko said, and she snapped the picture. Pulling the phone down, she scrolled to show her.
"How astonishing," Audulie said, taking the phone. The picture was crystal clear as a mirror, but it was no reflection: the device had captured their image better than any painting from the royal portraitists.
xXx
.
"Um, hello...testing, one two, one two." Audulie held up her phone with a selfie-stick, using the video function. "This is Audulie de Sevran, First Princess and daughter of King Sevran, from the city of Lahoz. Hello."
There were other buttons on the screen. Audulie furrowed her brow, then pressed a button. A cartoon picture of a bunny rabbit popped up, covering her face, a little white nose and bunny ears cropping up on the video.
"Oh? What's this? Why is this making me look like a rabbit?"
"That's a filter, princess," Tomoko said, as she stepped behind her. She came into frame on the phone, the bunny filter covering her face. "Lemme turn this off a second."
"Oh my," Audulie said, as Tomoko took the phone.
xXx
.
The year passed. Between learning the various customs of the locals and familiarizing herself with this era's achievements, Audulie amused herself taking several self-portraits, pictures of herself posing among the unusual anomalies of this era's city. "Wait," she said, scrolling through the pictures. The phone was syncing. "What is this?"
"What is what?" Tomoko said. She leaned over Audulie's shoulder.
"That is Jacob!" Audulie said.
"Who is Jacob?" Tomoko said. She saw the picture of a blonde man with a surprised look on his face, standing in front of what looked like some sort of medieval castle.
"That is my scoundrel half-brother, Jacob. He's always scheming to get the throne and put us in mortal peril. Why on earth is there a picture of him?"
"You didn't take this?" Tomoko said. She took the phone. "It looks like it downloaded from the cloud." Her eyes widened.
"Wait, did Mayumi take this?!" She tapped open the photo and looked at the date: squarely taken after Audulie appeared and Mayumi's disappearance. "This was taken a year ago! I don't recognize this."
"That is clearly the path to my private rose garden outside our castle," Audulie said. Tomoko grabbed her own phone from her purse, opening her contacts.
"Shit, does she have her phone on?" Tomoko dialed Mebuki's old number.
Voicemail. "She's not answering."
"Oh dear."
They stared at the picture.
xXx
.
One day, Tomoko's phone rang at 2 AM.
She had put Mebuki's number on emergency bypass, so that even if her phone were on silent, the phone would blare if Mebuki ever called her back. Tomoko was dead asleep, an eye mask fixed to her face, when her phone screen lit up with Mebuki's number.
"Mayumi?!" Tomoko grabbed the phone. "Mayumi?! Mayumi! Hello?! Mayumi?!"
There was the sound of wind and static. "Mayumi, can you hear me?!"
The call ended. Tomoko stared at the phone.
xXx
.
Her calls still went to voicemail.
"There must be a way to get back to your kingdom," Tomoko said. She paced as Audulie watched, worried.
"Are you quite sure that was your friend?"
"Who else could it be? You guys body-swapped. You have your jewels with you, maybe she has her phone. How does she even have signal?" Tomoko asked.
"Are there any scientists in your era who have studied this phenomenon?" Audulie asked. Tomoko shook her head.
"As far as I'm aware, something like this never happened."
"I see." Audulie pursed her lips. She pressed a hand to Tomoko's shoulder.
"Worry not," Audulie said. "If she is indeed in the palace, I'm sure she has met plenty of allies there. My brother, Gautier, is the Crown Prince, you see, and he is partial to lost, stray things. I am sure she is in his care."
"I hope so," Tomoko said.
Tomoko was still agitated, so Audulie went to make a cup of tea. Listless, Tomoko picked up Audulie's phone, looking at the various apps that had been installed. She doesn't need this, Tomoko thought, looking at the random Korean app that had just updated.
Her thumb pressed the icon. All at once, the manhwa loaded, bright sparks of color on the screen. Tomoko's eyes widened.
"Princess!" Tomoko's voice had a hysterical edge to it. "Princess?! Are you guys in the middle of a war?!"
"What on earth-" Audulie started, then stopped in her tracks as she saw an illustrated picture of herself, her brother dead from a riding mishap, her scheming brother Jacob planning a treasonous war.
xXx
.
"There seriously was a war over toilets?" Mebuki said.
Gautier sighed, then rubbed his head, exasperated, because once again this irksome woman distilled about an hour's worth of political nuance into a bloody war over toilets. "It was a battle over resources," Gautier said. "First and foremost because the land upstream was more fertile."
"Yeah, yeah, I get that, but don't you guys shit in a moat, and all the shit flows downstream into the river?" Their castles had bathrooms called garderobes, which were small rooms that stuck out from the castle structure, right above the moat. There was a hole you pissed or shit in, and all that waste fell into the water. "I mean, no wonder they attacked, their shit was polluting their drinking water."
"I cannot do this," Gautier said, standing.
"Wait, brother—"
"This was the war that preceded the founding of our kingdom! And yet you've reduced it to bawdy toilet humor!"
Mebuki leaned back, frowning.
She refused to use the chamber pot. "You don't empty it every day?!" she said, aghast, while the maid stuttered apologies, the pot wasn't full yet, my lady, please. Mebuki huffed and resolved to walk her ass across the cold dark castle to the garderobe, where she hovered over the seat, wincing at the blast of cold air and the knowledge that if the stone were to break, she'd fall straight into the shitty moat water.
She became even more militant when Jacob started started sleeping over. "The hell are you doing?!" she cried, horrified, when she heard the distinct tinkle against the metal chamber pot, Jacob having furtively hid behind a curtain to do his business. "I don't want my bedroom to smell like urine, empty it out!" Mebuki said. And thus it was she made the rule, if he wanted to spend the night with her, he had to walk to the garderobe like a civilized fucking person.
Thank God she had the foresight to look up the history of plumbing before her phone died, pointedly using up precious battery because this was fucking important.
"No," Gautier had said, when Mebuki showed him the blueprints, then the actual website itself, trying to explain the benefits of running water. "Do you realize what a massive undertaking that is? Even if we emptied our war chest, we don't have the money for that."
"We could invade another country," Jacob mused.
"Did your mother drop you on your head?" Gautier said.
xXx
.
Word got around the palace that the territory of Arno established a new plumbing system, Zachary having looked at the blueprints for the cistern-flush toilet and the S-shaped pipe with interest.
"First the production of lace, then the advent of sandwiches. And now they even have something called 'plumbing,'" the king said, impressed, while Mebuki's eyebrow twitched. "It must be thanks to the foresight of the Saintess!"
"Gautier, you trash ass Crown Prince, why does a rural territory on the outskirts of our kingdom have the resources to build fucking sewers, and yet we're still shitting in pots and spreading cholera around the village?!"
("I could still kill him," Jacob said helpfully.)
xXx
.
There were rumors among the ladies of the court: that Jacob de Sevran, the irascible bachelor Second Prince, got himself a lover.
"They say he wants to marry her, but her family does not approve."
"Which family? He may be the Second Prince but he is still royalty."
"I heard it is Bianca de Arno," the other woman said, and the others let out a soft gasp, because Jacob had been visiting the Arno territory quite a bit lately, and everyone had seen him goad Lord Arno before the jousting tournament.
"I will kill him!" Zachary said, while Bianca exhorted him to please calm down, they were just needless rumors, one needn't resort to bloodshed for something so ridiculous.
"I heard the baby in Lady Arno's belly is really Prince Jacob's," a woman whispered.
"Bianca!" Zachary said, holding his wife back, all three of his generals grabbing her like a feral cat.
xXx
.
Prince Jacob had no idea about any of this.
He floated around the castle, happy and oblivious. His spymasters whispered amongst themselves, a cloud of gloom falling over them even as their once cunning master stood buoyant.
"Your Highness. What do you think about the rumors surrounding Prince Jacob?"
"What rumors?" Gautier said. The nobles glanced at each other.
"Rumor has it that he's fathered a child with Bianca de Arno."
Gautier choked on his tea. The other nobles leaned forward.
"Your Highness?"
"A moment," Guatier said. He pushed up his glasses. "I need to gather more information."
xXx
.
"Did you see the flushing toilet?" Zachary asked. He was pleased with Gautier's sudden visit - they were old friends but ever since Gautier started taking over more of the king's duties, they rarely spent any time together outside of official visits.
"Y-yes. I did see the flushing toilet, Zachary. It was indeed quite impressive."
Zachary sparkled. "My wife is quite happy about it."
"Ah, yes."
It was Gautier who had passed on the blueprints to Zachary, including copies in a letter to him, fully intending to mock Mebuki's insistence that garderobes were unhygienic, and that she wanted to spend a king's ransom on something so niche and unsubstantiated. Gautier pushed up his glasses, clearing his throat. "Actually, Zachary, I am not here to see about the toilets."
Gautier fidgeted. Zachary waited patiently while Gautier fingered his collar, frowning at his tea.
"We've long been good friends, haven't we, Zachary?" Gautier said.
"The best of friends," Zachary said.
"And I consider you my trusted aide and vassal. I value your loyalty."
"Thank you," Zachary said.
"I've come to ask a favor of you," Gautier said.
"Of course. What is it?"
"It has to do with rumors concerning my brother Jacob."
"Which rumors," Zachary asked. The edge in his voice was dangerous.
"Ah~~. The rumors, uh. About Jacob impregnating your wife and taking her as his mistress."
Gautier flinched, waiting for Zachary to shout obscenities at him. He didn't. Zachary was a patient man. He waited, still as a predator staring at him.
"As you know, Zachary, the palace fully intends to keep Jacob's relationship with Princess Audrey a secret. So as far as those rumors go, ah...well we do not intend to refute them."
"Why?" Zachary said. He looked like a hawk about to swoop down and disembowel him.
"W-well." Gautier shoved up his glasses. "If word gets out that the Second Crown Prince is engaging in an incestuous relationship with the First Princess, it would destabilize the entire kingdom."
"Why not strip him of his title, then?"
"Ah ha ha, well, I considered that, but my father would not stand for it."
"Haa." Zachary rubbed his head.
"They are just rumors! And, hopefully, will stay within the confines of the palace-"
"Rumors have already penetrated Arno, along with word of our flushing toilets."
"You are a patient man, as well as a prudent man, Zachary. And you know well the heart of your wife. If you could just...turn a blind eye and let the lesser nobles gossip. Well. Your loyalty will be handsomely rewarded."
"How do you intend to reward my loyalty when it involves the besmirching of my beloved wife?" Zachary said.
"How about the crown reimburses you for your sewer system?" Gautier said.
xXx
.
"Do it," Bianca said. Zachary fully intended to turn him down, but Bianca surprisingly was sanguine about the whole situation. "We depleted our resources setting up the sewer system. If the crown will pay for it, we should accept it."
"But Bianca! It will hurt your reputation."
"My reputation in Arno is fine. I could care less about the nobles in the capital."
xXx
.
"You fucking paid for Arno's sewer system?!" Mebuki raged.
"Well what was I supposed to do, when that reprobate nincompoop has seduced you?!"
Jacob thought the whole thing was hilarious, but because Mebuki was angry, he was careful not to show it.
xXx
.
"It is not all that bad," Gautier said. "I mean, considering what was supposed to happen between Bianca and Jacob, you should be grateful all you're dealing with are a few rumors." Zachary's eyes narrowed.
"What exactly was supposed to happen between my wife and Jacob?" Zachary said. Gautier blinked.
"Ah...Lady Mayumi didn't tell you?"
The duality of Zachary de Arno was something Guatier could never get used to. In their day-to-day life, Zachary had the countenance and temperament of a very large, very gentle, old English sheepdog. He liked sitting next to his wife and herding horses. He was patient. He liked getting his ears scratched and was partial to head pats.
But then a switch would flip, and Zachary would stare at him with the stillness of an apex predator ready to spring, all the sinews of his muscles coiling with untapped violence. Gautier sweated. He cleared his throat, tapping his fingers on the table.
xXx
.
"What is all this?" Mebuki asked, when Gautier presented her with a chest filled with lace and jewels and precious furs. Gautier shook his head.
"A gift of thanks from Zachary and Bianca de Arno. For, uh. Taking care of Jacob."
Mebuki frowned at him. "I would have rather gotten credit for inventing sandwiches."
xXx
.
"My lady, is it true? Is the child in your womb really Prince Jacob's?" Catherine asked.
Bianca closed her eyes and took a breath. They had practiced this. Bianca had even exhorted Zachary to agree to it - the Crown was paying for their sewer system, this was a feather in their cap, right behind the sandwiches and lace production.
"Well," Bianca said, and Catherine leaned forward. Bianca shifted her eyes, sweating. "It-it's a bit difficult of a difficult question."
"I knew it! Lady Bianca, but why? Do you not love your husband?!" Catherine said.
"In point of fact, Lady Catherine, it is because I love him..."
"What?"
"Let's just say, Prince Jacob and I have an agreement," Bianca said. A drop of sweat formed on her forehead.
"An agreement?" Lady Catherine looked worried. Bianca shook her head.
"Forgive me, Lady Catherine. I would rather not talk about it."
xXx
.
"I feel as though I shall vomit," Bianca said, banging her head on Zachary's chest. Zachary rubbed her back.
"Say the word, and I shall rain fire and sulfur upon both Gautier and Jacob," Zachary said. Bianca shook her head.
"This is good for Arno. We have to do it."
"Not at the behest of your reputation!"
"I care not for my reputation," Bianca said. She looked up at him. "In my first life, I died miserably after being cast out of this territory. But we are so happy together now. We're even having a baby." They both touched the swell of Bianca's belly reverently. "If this is the worst we have to suffer, then so be it."
Zachary sighed. He pressed his forehead against hers. "I hate that you bear the brunt of it. It pains me to think of what you must endure because of this."
"Compared to what was supposed to happen between me and Prince Jacob, this is surely an improvement."
xXx
.
"Did you hear?" the nobles whispered. "Prince Jacob sired a child with Lady Arno because the Duke of Blood and Iron is impotent!"
"My apologies," Gautier said to Zachary. Zachary sighed and shook his head.