Natsuki Subaru was not having a good day. He was bleeding out on the ground cut in half by his own friend.
"Cap'nt make sure t' tell my amazing self in the next loop t' not go outside, 's going to be rainy and I don't wanna get my hair wet"
"Yes, Garf I'll make sure to tell you about it, damn it why didn't you aim for the neck!?" Today was truly not Subarus day.
"Sorry Cap'nt I was too excited, make sure t' also tell me not t' do it again" Garfiel looks down with a frown on his face.
"It's fine Garfiel don't be sad about it. Remember I'll fix it all." Subaru reassures his friend.
"Ye' Cap you're right" Garfiel walks over to Subaru and raises his transformed arm above his head.
"Nigh't nigh't" Garfiel crashes his hand down onto Subaru skull and crushes it within a instant.
Subaru wakes up in his bedroom, another loop triggered by his friends.
This is the fourth time I've died today
Subaru remembers the day when Satella was finally defeated and his ability to Return by Death became public knowledge.
I must have died over a million times since then. But it's all worth it.
Ever since Return by Death became revealed people, friends and strangers alike have been killing Subaru to make their lives easier. Subaru remembers the first death and the betrayal he felt when Emilia killed him so he could help her cheat her studies.
*Flash back*
"Subaruuu!" Emilia shouts towards Subaru. Him walking by the hallway hears it.
"Yes Emilia-tan?" Subaru enters Emilia's room
"Could you help me with something?" Emilia asks
"I would love to help my beautiful Emilia-tan" Subaru rushes forward towards Emilia desk
"Please tell the past me that the answer to question 25 is 12,458" Emilia says innocently.
"I don't understand Emilia-ta—" Before Subaru could finish the nickname Emilia shoots an ice spear straight through his chest.
"Subaru I reaaaalllly regret wasting 5 hours studying. Please make sure I don't make the same mistake again" Emilia says with a beautiful smile.
"Emilia… Why?" Subaru drops onto the floor bleeding out.
Please be nightmare, Please be a nightmare
"Why? Don't be such a dunderhead you have infinite lives so it's not like i'm throwing away something valuable" Emilia looks a bit conflicted at first but by the end of her sentence her face takes on a firm look.
By this point Subaru was crying, he didn't pee yet so he also started pissing himself because he couldn't control his bladders under so much pain.
"Why… WHY WHY WHY!" Subaru was shouting hysterically at Emilia.
"You'll understand why." Emilia shoots an ice spike into Subaru's head. It hits him straight in the head and Subaru's brain is splattered on the ground.
"I love you Subaru" Emilia said after making sure Subaru was dead. She still doesn't have the courage to admit her feelings towards him.
"Subaruuu!" Subaru hears Emilia shouting at him. He drops to his knees and begins processing what just happened.
Emilia killed me Emilia killed me Emilia killed me
The sentence is repeating over and over in his head. His having a full on breakdown in the hallway.
Emilia notices this and moves towards him.
"Subaru! What's wrong tell me" Emilia is worried.
Damn it, the checkpoint update, I'm reaaaalllly unlucky.
Subaru quickly pulls himself together and asks. Tears are already forming in his eyes as he says the question.
"Emilia… did you want to kill me for an answer?" Subaru looks Emilia straight in the eye.
"Yes… I really did want to kerfuffle you to make my life easier…" Emilia hates liars and she will never lie.
"Why… WHY?" Tears are streaming down Subaru's face. Subaru doesn't even correct her for the outdated term.
"Because you can help me, you can help me sooooo much Subaru. You can be sooo useful" Emilia has been thinking about this for a looong looong time.
'It's now or never'
"I can be useful…? what are you talking about Emilia?"
"Me, the camp and the kingdom have been discussing how to use your ability after you kept it hidden from us for soooo soooo long" Emilia eyes gain a hint of insanity.
"Use my ability? Return by death isn't something to be used!" Subaru is looking at Emilia with eyes of betrayal.
"Subaru you either pull your own weight or… leave the camp" Emilia shuts down any argument with an ultimatum.
"Leave the camp? Roswaal would never agree to this!" Subaru shouts at Emilia he is angry at the bullshit his hearing.
"Actuaaaaallly it was I that suggested the idea Subaruuu-kun. You either leave or you can stay with uuuuuuuuus under this new living arrangement" Roswaal comes out of the corner in the hallway.
It's either leave or be a slave… I can't leave. I love everyone too much and I won't abandon them no matter what!
For Beako For Fredrica For Ram For Rem For Otto For Garfiel For… Emilia and Roswaal and Everyone I love.
Subaru steel his resolve and says.
"It's fine, it's not like I haven't dealt with worse. If it's for the sake of everyone's happiness then I'll gladly sacrifice myself." And It's not like I'm giving up something valuable, I am worthless after all.
"Gooooood Subaru-kun, Make sure we don't have this conversation in the next looooop" Before Subaru could inquire on what Roswaal meant. Roswaal fires an Al goa onto Subaru, Killing him and everyone in the mansion at the same time.
"Subaruuuuu!" Emilia shouts could be heard once again by the black haired boy.
"It's 12,458 Emilia-tan. The checkpoint has already updated I'm sorry" Subaru feels a mix of emotions inside but he latches onto the guilt for failing his loved ones.
I'll do better next time
"It's fine Subaru, what's important is that you've tried. I take it you okie with the new living arrangements?" Emilia asks the big question.
"Yes we talked about it for a bit and I agreed to it." Subaru says.
"Good, I'll tell everyone about the good news. Thanks Subaru, you make me reaaaally happy!" Emilia's face is glistening, even with part of Subaru being disgusted at her he can't help but admire her face.
"Yes, no problem, Emilia-tan." For her smile I will do anything.
*Flashback end*
Subaru gets up from his bed and heads over to Otto room. He opens the doors and greets Otto.
"Hi bro how has it been?" Subaru smiles at his friend
"I'm doing fine Natsuki-san, I assume you're here to finish up my work?" Otto gets off his chair and drags Subaru towards it.
"Yeah yeah, there's no need to bash my head in with an alcohol bottle I'll get to work" Subaru made sure to memorize the previous loops paper-work and he remembers perfectly everything Otto wrote.
"Oh I hit you with a bottle?" Otto faces grimaces for a split second but he manages to get it under control.
"Don't worry about it Otto, You were stressed out and wanted to relax for the night after the grueling paperwork. I'll make sure to fix it." Subaru says with a happy go smile on his face. He's already halfway done, it's so easy to answer everything when you know the future.
"Yeah thanks bro, I owe you one." Otto says.
"It's fine, sheesh no need to act like a stranger. We are friends aren't we? And friends Help each other '' Subaru looks at Otto's face.
"Yeah… haha friends really do um Help each other" The situation is making Otto feel more and more awkward.
Damn it, why did I agree to this?
Otto scantily recalls a deal he made with Roswaal on having a smaller workload but he cannot fully remember it. It's almost as if his memories have been toyed with.
Subaru quickly finishes the remaining paperwork.
"There we go, I'll be heading out now Otto. Good day"
"Good day to you as well Natsuki-san"
Subaru walks out Otto's room and heads towards the kitchen, There he meets Rem and Ram.
"Hey Rem, make sure to add salt in the food this time. Last time you forgot it and bashed my head in with a morningstar oh and make sure to bake cookies for Beako tonight"
"Thanks I almost forgot it Subaru-kun" Rem without her memories doesn't mind the new living arrangements. But it still weirds her out on how far Subaru is willing to go for them.
Don't look a gift horse in the mouth I guess. Rem thinks
"Ram, Don't use the Vollachian perfume, it made Roswaal sneeze. Instead use the Lugnica perfume." Subaru remembers when Ram barged into his bedroom at night when he was sleeping and cut off his head after telling him about it.
"Your value is increasing day by day, Barusu. From -100 to -99" Ram is happy with this new living arrangement her life has never been easier than this. She greatly annoyed at not realizing that "Special timing" of his was not so special at all.
"Uhhgg You wound me with such harsh words Nee-sama. Sorry to cut our conversation short but I need to head out to Beako" Subaru walks out the kitchen and heads towards the library.
Ever since Return by Death has been revealed Beatrice has stopped sleeping together with Subaru. She doubts their relationship, she doubts the words Subaru said to her, She doubts everything. But even amongst all that doubt, she still couldn't resist taking advantage of the Natsuki special time-travel fix.
That's why when she heard the door to her library open she was greeted with a man that once brought her much happiness but now only brings her doubt and confusion.
"Hey Beako, You'll be getting cookies tonight. I made sure to tell Rem about it." Subaru goes down to give Beatrice a hug but…
"Stop, Don't touch Betty, in fact. I have not decided whether or not I should accept you as my contractor, I suppose."
The relationship Subaru and Beatrice once had has been put on hold and ever since then Subaru has been fighting to get it back.
I'll do whatever it takes to get my Beako back. Even if I have to die a million times for her.
"Leave, Betty doesn't like the way you make her feel, Infact" Beatrice hates having these feelings of admiration and love, combined with the humongous guilt she feels. She doesn't want to feel these things at all. That's why she never killed Subaru and just asks him to kill himself for her. That's why she doesn't want to be around him, the guilt feels suffocating.
"Okay Beako, I promise I'll fix our relationship" Subaru leaves Beatrice and heads out towards Garfiel room.
Garfiel is in his room currently and is getting ready for a training session, just as he was about to walk out he's greeted by Subarus face.
"Garf there is going to be heavy rain today, make sure to train close to mansion so you can get it when it starts pouring"
"Yer a life savior Cap't, Thank ya for the warning" Garfiel is one of the people who were least affected by the reveal. He just considers his Capn't to be way cooler and badass for going through so much trauma.
"No problem, Garf. Just doing what any good friend would do." Subaru's voice almost cracks at the friend's part. His eyes start feeling a bit teary, he doesn't want Garfiel to see these so he excuses himself.
"Sorry Garf, but I got things to do" Subaru turns away and walks quickly to his room. He enters his room making sure to lock the door as best as he can and jumps onto his bed. He takes off his arm robes and starts his habit again.
Scratch Scratch Scratch Scratch Scratch Scratch Scratch Scratch Scratch Scratch Scratch Scratch Scratch Scratch Scratch Scratch Scratch Scratch
Minutes turn into half an hour, half an hour turns into an hour and an hour turns into 2 hours and by the end of it Subaru's entire arm is red. There is no more skin to tear off.
How HOW did it end up like this
Ever since the truth of Return by Death came out Subaru life has turned upside down. He misses Satella. He misses Envy. He misses when they would silence him everytime he tried talking about Return by Death.
I shouldn't have opened my disgusting mouth, I really am an idiot. Satella please come back, Please come back and fix everything. I love you.
His so-called friends revealed their true colors quickly or it would be more accurate to say that they were always the same way.
They always saw a tool in me, the value I provide. Nothing more, nothing less. Of course they would dig deeper if they had realized that I'm a bigger gold mine than they initially believed.
He isn't sure what to do, but he knows he can't continue living like this. These past few months after the arrangement with Roswaal have been pure hell for him.
Do they think I don't feel pain at all? Or do they not care about me one bit.
Death after death, sometimes he believes his friends make sure his deaths are painful. These past few months he's been burnt alive, smashed open like a coconut, stabbed with a knife by Otto, beheaded countless times by Ram's wind magic and worst of all he developed a fear of the cold thanks to Emilia freezing him over and over again to death.
Emilia huh, even throughout all of this I still love her.
Emilia, the girl that made him agree to this. The very same girl who saved his life the first time they met is now throwing it away for an easier day. He just couldn't believe that Emilia would act this way without some form of mind control yet here she is killing him over the smallest of issues.
Of course idiot, You love her. She doesn't love you, She only sees you as a useful tool and nothing more. That's all you are Natsuki Subaru, a USEFUL tool. The moment you stop being useful then no one would want you to be around them. You really are pathetic.
Tears start streaming down Subaru's face, He doesn't even care about cleaning himself any more. He feels tired and sleepy and with bleeding arms he falls asleep.
Subaru is woken up by the feeling of healing magic in his arms. He opens his eyes and in front of him is a shining beautiful silver haired girl with amethyst eyes. Her hair is being reflected by the moonlight coming from his window.
"Emilia-tan?" Subaru looks up towards her feeling pretty bad at having her see the state of his body.
"Shhhhh, it's going alright." She continues healing him. A few minutes pass of healing until she asks.
"Subaru, how long have you been doing this to yourself?" Emilia has a calm look on her face. Like as if she was a gentle mother.
"...Ever since the sanctuary" Subaru says
Emilia's face changes to a horrified expression before she quickly schools her face into a calm look once again.
"It must have hurt a lot" Emilia starts patting Subaru in the head.
"Yes it hurt so very much" Subaru leans into Emilia with tears in his eyes.
"How… How many deaths have you been through if you don't mind me asking" Emilia questions.
"I stopped counting a long time ago" Subaru timidly responds
"Oh… that's bad… very bad" Emilia cannot hide her horrified face anymore.
"Don't pity me, Emilia-tan. All of my deaths are for you and my friends and I'm happy to die as many times as it takes for our happy ending" With every word Subaru said was like a knife piercing Emilia's heart.
"Then I've decided." Emilia had enough of this new living arrangement.
"Decided what Emilia-tan?" Subaru isn't sure what Emilia wants now.
"You are no longer allowed to use Return by Death, from now on as your lady I command you to never use that ability again" Emilia says with as serious of a voice she could muster.
"You… You can't be serious. What about the others?" Subaru is horrified at the idea of being useless.
Return by death is all I am. Return by death is all I am worth… She can't take that away from me.
"The others will obey me, by force if necessary. Subaru you can't continue going on like this, I can clearly see the effect it has on you." Emilia isn't budging an inch.
The effect it has on me… That's it!
"Okay Emilia-tan I'll stop using Return by Death" Subaru says with a mischievous voice.
"Promise me Subaru. Promise me with your love of me" Emilia doesn't like the way he sounds at all.
"I promise on ou- my love for you that I'd never Return by Death again" Subaru looks at her with a straight honest face.
"Good" Emilia says as she tries to give Subaru a hug. Subaru stops her from hugging him.
"Ahhh Emilia-tan you are getting my blood all over your clothes. Let me go wash up before you hug me" Subaru gets off the bed and walks towards the door into the hallway.
"Okie dokie, but hurry up I realllyyy want to comfort you" Emilia says winking.
"Yeah yeah I'll be back in zip." Subaru walks towards the toilet, and enters it.
He is now alone in the toilet, he looks himself in the mirror.
You love Emilia, but even Emilia cannot take away Return by Death from you.
Subaru looks at himself in the eyes. He expects to see eyes firm with resolve but all he sees are dead eyes. He quickly looks away and starts preparing himself for the pain.
Subaru sticks out his tongue and bites in with all the strength he has. Until he manages to completely rip it off. He makes sure to swallow the tongue just in case someone comes in to heal him.
I'll make sure Emilia won't find out about the scratches, She really cares about me a bit too much.
Subaru feels his life draining, second by second as he loses both oxygen and blood at the same time until.
BAM
Someone bursts through the door, shouting "LIAR LIAR LIAR" His brain is too oxygen deprived to understand who this individual is. They came and grabbed him by the shoulder and started shaking him. It's late though no amount of shaking will dislodge the tongue stuck to his neck. As Subaru loses the last bit of Oxygen within him and dies.
Subaru wakes up once again in his bedroom.
This is the fifth time I've woken up, Damn it, hopefully I still remember Otto's stupid paperwork.
Subaru is really not having a good day at all.