We sit for hours while he paints and I write. It is a joint effort. I frequently ask him for a very specific painting, which he quickly delivers, and he describes his memories for me to write.
Almost a week after his attack to Beetee, Peeta's guilt is still blatant. He tries to be extra caring, which means I'm being spoiled like a child, and I truly love mothering him when he needs it. I know I love Peeta and he loves me, and it feels good. It should be enough.
But I still wish he would tell me why he attacked Beetee. He shouldn't have to go through this alone. Near or far, we've always been together in life.
The real problem now, at least for me, is the lack of trust from his side, and it's very saddening. I can read in his puppy eyes he is sad too. It makes my heart twist into a sensation of free fall.
It hinders the advance of our relationship, too. I shouldn't crave his touch so much right now, but I do. My body is ready for the next step, but there's an elephant in the room and none of us will acknowledge it. We don't want to disturb this fragile peace we created these days. I wish he would make a move, but he wants me to be ready and sure. That's always the problem – he's waiting for me to be sure, although I have been for a while. I know it's because he fears abandonment.
The day Johanna arrives, the morning is as easy as many others. I wake up alone and call him to bed, so that we can cuddle before our breakfast gets out of the oven. Then he takes me to the kitchen and feeds me what he has been baking while we talk and make plans for the day.
After breakfast, having told Peeta I'm heading out to order meat for the workers, we kiss and I walk to the station while he keeps painting. Of course he wants to come with me, but I give him a job to keep him busy before I leave:
"Can you please paint the color of Finnick's eyes?"
He smiles adorably at that. No, he can't come with me today. I have a surprise for him.
The walk is a mixture of fear and excitement. Fear, because bringing Johanna to our house is never a safe choice – I know she will find a way to turn everything upside down. Excitement, because maybe that's exactly what Peeta and I need.
"Katniss, hey," I hear Thom's voice after a while, putting an end to these thoughts. I turn back to see him walk faster to catch me, "Where are you going?"
"Hey, Thom. I'm going to the station to fetch a friend, and you?"
"I'm going to meet with up a team of doctors that's set to arrive today. We are in serious need of a hospital," he says.
"When do you think we will have one?"
"Maybe in one year or two," he says, "Katniss, do you think you can visit Delly? She had a bleeding last night and I don't want her to get out of bed."
"Oh, no. Is the baby okay?"
"We can't know for sure. I'll try to get one of the doctors to visit her, but I think she needs a friend to talk to."
"I'll visit her today," I promise Thom.
We talk a little bit more about the hospital and then part ways at the station, as he finds the entourage he's looking for and I go order the meat before Johanna keeps my hands full.
After that, I spot her. She looks good; her hair has grown a little and she's rocking a pixie haircut that suits her well. She's laughing in the company of a dark haired guy, flaunting her cleavage in a suggestive way. Then they kiss each other on the cheek and part ways. Good. I'd hate to make conversation with her casual love interests.
"Jo!" I yell, jumping on my tiptoes so that I can be seen, "I'm here."
Johanna Mason, victor of the 71st Hunger Games, looks at me and her face lights up in a genuine smile. She runs on my way and throws her bags to the floor when she reaches me.
"Brainless! I missed you so much," she says, wrapping me in a tight hug until she notices what she's doing, "Ugh. Don't tell anyone I did this."
"No one would believe it anyway," I say with a chuckle.
"It's good I came. This district is an oasis of men. You should have seen the train, it was full of them. And don't get me started on Finny Frog; I need a vacation from him," she says, "Okay, take this," she adds as she gives me one of her bags.
"Who was that man you were talking to?"
"Oh, I forgot his name. I spent the whole trip drooling over how handsome he was; Just when we get to Twelve he tells me he's coming here to get paired in that initiative of yours," she grimaces, "Gross, right? He says his goal is to be assigned a house, a job and a wife."
"It's good to know the Initiative is bringing people here," I say, "It will do a lot of good to the district."
"Right, but I just want a man for the week. Maybe I can give him a bachelor party before he gets paired up," she winks.
"Jo." I scowl.
"Okay. So how about you and your Lover Boy?" she asks.
"We're living together and trying to get on with our lives," I say.
"How cold. What about some human warmth?"
"If you mean sex, we're still not doing it," I sigh, shaking my head.
"I'll see what can still be done for a clueless thing like you. One thing I promise: by this time tomorrow you won't be a virgin anymore."
"Jo - What makes you even think I'm one?" I ask.
Johanna snorts, "Katniss, please."
I walk in silence, dumbfounded.
"Let's see what he thinks when you show up. I think he will really like it," I smile.
"So he doesn't know I'm coming?" Johanna asks.
"No, I wanted to surprise him," I say.
"Let's just shock him. You can call him and I'll be in your place when he comes. He'll think he's seeing things," she laughs.
"Let's not shock him too much," I say, and tell her about the flashbacks and the attacks to Rory and Beetee. Her demeanor changes and she looks very concerned.
We get home and sit on the couch besides Buttercup. He seems to recognize and hate Johanna as much as he used to hate me.
"Peeta?" I yell.
"Katniss? I didn't hear you come," Peeta shouts from my old office, which is now his art studio.
"I'm home. Come here."
Peeta appears seconds later with his hands and face full of paint and a big grin to greet me. It immediately turns into surprise and then shock as he takes the sight of Johanna's face.
"Johanna? What are you doing here?" he gasps, "It's a good thing I'm fully clothed today."
Johanna and I laugh until we cry. Peeta's face is so funny right now.
"Brainless here invited me to spend some days with the two of you," she grins.
"I invited her before your accident at the bakery," I say, sheepishly.
"I thought the two of you couldn't stand each other." Peeta's eyes dart between Jo and I, not quite sure about it.
"No, we actually are best friends," Johanna says.
"Wasn't I your best friend last time I checked?" He replies, glancing at me with a smile.
"You are, but she's my best girl friend," I reply with a smile too.
"Wasn't Gale Hawthorne your best friend?" asks Johanna.
"I don't talk about Gale," I reply dryly. Peeta clears his throat.
"That is too bad," Johanna says, "I was looking forward to tell you guys about my hookup with him."
Peeta chokes and gapes at this. He goes from pale to red in a matter of seconds.
"I'd rather not know the details," I say.
"I'd rather know nothing at all," Peeta agrees.
"Prudes. It was nothing special, anyway. I've had bigger and better, honestly," she says, seriously, "By the way, you don't seem happy to see me here, Lover Boy. Am I cockblocking you?"
"Just surprised. You were the last person I expected to see with Katniss."
"So who do you think she calls at night?"
"I didn't know."
"You're learning something new about your wife today. Didn't she tell you we get along really well?"
"No," Peeta looks positively amazed.
"Brainless." she chastises me with a scowl.
"We were roommates back in Thirteen", I explain.
"We had a lot of fun together," says Johanna, smiling wistfully.
"I see. It seems that everyone had a lot of fun in Thirteen," says Peeta.
Johanna shoots me a concerned glance. I have to do something to prevent Peeta's mood from falling into a downward spiral.
"No one was happy there," I tell him, "We just had to cope the best way we could and Johanna was like a sister to me."
"And I'll be really cheesy here, but Katniss was the only family I had in years," Johanna adds.
We both look embarrassed after this interaction. Johanna and I are not lovey dovey; people would rather describe us as a pair of brutes. So I change the subject.
"I need to check on Delly now," I announce, "I found Thom and he told me she had a bleeding."
"Is that dangerous for the baby?" Peeta asks with concern.
"They don't know," I reply, kissing him, "Wanna come with me?"
"No," Johanna replies for him, pointing her chin towards Peeta "I need to catch up with your Lover Boy," she gives me a smirk that tells me she will interrogate him instead.
I find Delly lying on her bed, looking pale and thinner than usual, her eyes puffy from crying. Despite this, she lights up and grins gratefully at the sight of my face.
"What happened, Delly?" I ask, sitting next to her.
"Oh, Katniss, I bled last night and I have no idea if I'm still pregnant," she sobs.
"Thom told me. He was in his way to a reunion with the medical team," I reassure her, "He's trying to get a doctor to see you."
"I hope he can," she says, "We had a big fight three nights ago and I got very nervous."
"What was it about?" I ask. I don't like to inquire, but I know Delly is the kind of person who wants to be asked about everything, even if she deems it embarrassing, and there's nothing I want more at this moment than satisfy her.
"Rye. And Thom's girlfriend before the bombing. Thom thinks I still want Rye, but I'm not the one who walks through the ashes every day looking for a lost girlfriend. It's so obvious. I told him what I think about it."
"You're talking about Bristel?"
Bristel was a girl who worked in the mines. She was always seen in the company of Thom, so people always assumed they were together, but I used to think of it more as a convenient partnership between two people who knew they couldn't aspire for much more than a functional life; who wanted to be assigned a new house, to bear children, and in old Panem they needed to get married for that. That's what would've happened to Thom and Bristel, to Gale and myself.
"I didn't even know her name until now. I think Thom won't be sure she's dead unless the body is found. I'm alive, but I guess being in the rubble looking for the dead is more appealing to him."
"It doesn't make any sense, Delly. Thom must be there, he's the mayor. It matters to our people that he's there, looking for their deceased family members."
Delly sits in silence.
"We're getting a divorce if I lose this baby," she says.
"Did he tell you that?" I ask.
"No, but I know it's true."
It is almost pathetic to hear this. Before I tell her some truths about the love life of the average coal miner, someone knocks at the door. There's a tall blond, well-built man in his forties waiting for our permission to come into the room. I ask him to come in.
"Good morning," he says, "The mayor asked me to come. I'm Lucas Hendricks, the obstetrician."
Delly holds my hand and grins faintly, encouraged by the doctor's arrival. It's very out of character for her, but she seems so afraid that she can't even talk to the doctor.
"Katniss Everdeen", the doctor says then, with his sea green eyes shining happily at me.
"Katniss Mellark now," I smile.
"It's good to finally meet you, Katniss. I've heard so much about you," Dr. Hendricks says. He seems almost wistful.
Although the interaction is odd, almost everyone in Panem worships the Mockingjay, I'm just not used to the attention anymore. In Twelve, I'm just Katniss, Mrs. Mellark, the huntress, wife of the baker. Not a celebrity.
"Well, this is my friend Delly. Delly had a bleeding and she fears for her baby," I say.
"When did you have your last courses, Delly?" Dr. Hendricks asks her.
"Over two months ago," she replies, "Doctor, will you be able to know if I lost my baby?"
"I'll do my best."
He examines her belly and her overall condition as he tries to make polite conversation with us.
"So, Katniss, I've heard you're newly married. Do you plan on having children soon?" he grins at me.
"I don't think I'll want to have them," I say.
"Why?" Delly exclaims.
"I'm not cut out to be a mother."
"That's not true. You were a mother to Primrose since your father died, everyone knows that. And you were a mother figure to Rue, to Peeta… You were even chosen to be the Mockingjay, the little mother of the nation," Delly replies.
I shrug. This is between Peeta and myself anyway.
"And what does your husband think about it?" the doctor asks.
"I think he would have a baby now if I allowed it," I reply.
"Maybe he'll convince you," he says, "They're going to build a hospital here, so I hope there are lots of births. What about you, Delly, how many kids do you want to have?"
"I wouldn't mind having ten," she chuckles before thinking better of it.
"Are you coming to work at our hospital?" I ask the doctor.
"No, I'm just here to help with the project. I have my wife and our baby girl waiting for me back at home," he says.
"And you left them alone?" Delly asks, almost appalled.
"Unfortunately, yes, but I'm going back home next week. I was a consultant in similar projects both in Eight and Thirteen before I got married, so I was chosen to be here as well," he adds, "Well, Delly, the good news is you're still pregnant. I just don't know for how long. It's really important that you stay in bed and I'd like you to go to the hospital in Four, where you can get the right medical exams."
"What do you mean, doctor?" Delly asks, "Am I losing my baby?"
"There's no way to know. I'm sorry, Delly. Will you about catching the next train to Four?," he says.
Delly starts sobbing. Dr. Hendricks asks for her permission to give her two spoonfuls of sleep syrup, because her restlessness can endanger the baby. She nods and takes the medicine willingly. I wish I could talk to her a little more, to make her understand the nonsense in her words about Thom. But it won't be possible for hours or even a day now. So, when she falls asleep, I follow Dr. Hendricks outside.
"I would take her to Four, but I'm confined here," I tell him.
"You're doing the best you can. I'll come to see her tomorrow. Give my regards to your husband, Katniss. It would be a honor to meet him one day," he says before departing.
It's amazing how people worship victors and this doctor is an example of that. Victors have killed so many people we should be considered a hazard for the others, but people don't think of us in that way. I took a step further and killed a President, but I'm still a star for the outsiders.
When I pass through the front door of my house, I don't see Peeta or Johanna. I start to think that maybe he took Jo to meet Lana, but when I'm leaving for Haymitch's I hear their voices in the office.
"Why don't you tell her what you just told me?" Johanna asks in an unusual soft voice.
I don't mean to eavesdrop, but this is my house and I have the right to be wherever I want. I can almost guess what they're talking about and it makes my blood run cold.
"I don't want her to know," Peeta's voice replies.
"It's not that bad and she deserves to know, Mellark. It will be good for both of you."
"What if she doesn't understand?" he says.
"There's nothing to understand."
"You may think that way, but she abandoned me in Thirteen because of the effects of my torture."
"So you'll keep walking on thin ice forever?" Johanna asks.
Johanna has been here for an hour and Peeta has already told her whatever has been plaguing him, but he has refused to talk to me about it all this time. What kind of wife am I if I can't be trusted when other people can?
I'm shaking and crying and I don't want to hear their conversation anymore. I need to go away and calm down before I look at Peeta again. That's the best course of action I can think of.
On my way out, I drop a glass of water from the table and watch it as it shatters in a million pieces. Peeta and Johanna's conversation gets quiet and I know at this point they realize I've been eavesdropping.
I hear their steps as they rush after me, but I'm gone. I don't even go to Delly's or the woods, I just walk around and decide to help in the preparations for the upcoming Harvest Festival, which starts tonight. It will be very modest, but it's happening anyway. Peeta has already prepared the kitchen of our other house for this afternoon, because he'll be baking for the whole festival with the help of a dozen volunteers. Then Thom and his men will take the pastries and bread to the party for people to eat.
There's a small problem at the party venue: the ladder isn't tall enough for the lights to be placed properly on the trees. "Mrs. Mellark is a good climber," some people tease jokingly. So I do what no one is expecting me to do and climb the trees with the lights and ropes, fixing them there, definitely solving the issue and laughing embarrassedly at the applauses.
When I go back home I find Johanna paring off her toenails with a knife.
"Where's Peeta?" I ask.
"Cleaned up the mess you made and went out to look for you," she replies, "The two of you left me alone here."
"Things would be bad if I had to face him at that time," I explain, "He doesn't tell me anything but apparently it's okay to tell you."
"I know, Katniss."
"I'm tired of this," I say.
"You're not wrong," says Johanna, "Well, at least I have formed my strategy."
"What strategy?"
"I'm not telling you, otherwise you'll get in the way," she snorts.
I hear a key turn in the lock and the main door opening slowly. My heart starts thumping fast at the prospect of seeing Peeta's face after being caught eavesdropping. I feel very tense to think about our upcoming conversation, as none of us is good in confrontation.
"Katniss -" Peeta starts, tentatively.
"I'm here," I say.
"Can we talk?" he asks.
Before I can say something, Johanna replies:
"Not now, Lover Boy. Brainless and I are having a girl's day and you can meet us at the party tonight."
"But I need to –"
"Go to Haymitch's until then. Or to your other house. Don't you have bread to bake?" she adds, rushing him to the front door.
"But –"
"Bye," she closes the door behind him.
"Johanna! What did you do?" I ask her in despair, "This is his house too."
"A bit of a panic will do him wonders. Same for you," Johanna replies dismissively.
"But he –"
"He'll be fine," she says.
I glare at Johanna. At this point I doubt she is trying to get us closer together. It looks more that she's trying to provoke our separation.
We have lunch while she talks yet again about all the handsome ones she saw at the train and on our way home. She wants to go after them at the Harvest Festival.
"I'm plotting for us both, Katniss," she says, "We're both getting lucky tonight. You can be my wingwoman, what do you think?"
"So I get to choose a guy for you?" I ask.
"You can help, but I'm very picky about my choices," says Johanna.
"What are your preferences?"
Johanna speaks to my ear and I blush.
We spend the rest of the afternoon getting ready for the festival. Jo opens my wardrobe and looks closely at Cinna's creations. She borrows a black dress for herself and chooses a silver one for me. It wraps perfectly around my body and accentuates my newfound curves. She then picks a pair of shiny leather boots for me to wear.
I stare by the window at what used to be Peeta's house and see the movement of the volunteers there. He will spend the whole afternoon working for the Harvest while I'm chitchatting about clothes and makeup. It makes me feel anxious; I wonder how worried he must be right now.
Johanna tells me to sit and lets my hair down, thus allowing it to fall in flowy waves, and stares at it through the mirror. Then she decides this will by my hairstyle for the night and adds some hairpins to make it look more dramatic.
"If I had your hair," she says, "I would never use a braid."
She insists she will be the one to put makeup on me. At first, she tries to respect my wishes and make it as natural as possible, but she quickly decides she wants to do more. So, she adds some dramatic highlights and shadows, making my cheekbones look sharper and my lips more pronounced. But what really stands out is the smoldering of my eyes.
Johanna stays behind me, smiling at me through the mirror.
"You're golden," she says, "This reflects your spirit."
I watch my own reflection in the mirror. I look almost wild in a very attractive way. The flame I lost during the games and rebellion has returned.
"Welcome back, Girl on Fire."
The Harvest Festival is very well organized. This year, it has become the place where we get to know the new Twelve. Many families have stands, especially the new farmers. People are cultivating the land and raising animals. There are also new tailors, new cobblers, new tanners, new butchers. I – like most people – had no idea of this and take note of everything.
Although the upcoming bakery has no stand - everyone knows where to find the baker as long as the name Mellark lives, so we have no need to promote it – the bread, pastries, cakes and pies at a very low price are the stars of the festival. Peeta established the profit is to be donated to the rebuilding efforts.
Peeta's cheese buns are the first thing I notice. I know for sure that he wouldn't let any of the volunteers bake them, because he knows what I will choose to eat. At this point he's still baking at Victor's Village, and he'll be for another hour or two. So I grab a bunch of cheese buns as a way to be closer to him.
It's dark by the time we finish eating. With our bellies full, Jo and I twirl around together on the dance floor, chuckling like the teenagers we didn't get to be. After a few twirls Johanna seems almost tipsy, steps on my toes and we almost fall on the floor laughing.
"We seem drunk and we didn't have any alcohol," Johanna says, "I need a drink."
We go to the bar. Johanna asks for beer while I ask for a non-alcoholic drink. Then she leads me into a corner where she can strategically watch the males at the party. She favors tall and muscular men but all of them seem to be married, maybe paired by the Initiative.
Almost every resident of the district talks to me because I'm Mr. Mellark's wife, but those aren't the people Johanna wants us to be with. She had stated, on our way to the festival, that she would use me as bait for the guys. Whatever she meant, it isn't working.
Men stare at us, but no one seems to have the guts to actually come and say something. Maybe we look intimidating; we should intimidate. We're two known killers who always have unpleasant expressions on their faces.
At some point a redhead comes close. He's thin, short, has lots of freckles and is clearly in his early twenties. He speaks directly to Johanna.
"Hi. I don't know if you remember me from the train -"
"Weren't you the one who tried to sit in my place?" she asks after throwing him a reproachful stare.
"Yes," the young man blushes, "Sorry for that."
Johanna nods and keeps drinking, looking around and not acknowledging him anymore. He keeps looking at her expectantly; it's so clear he's into her. I take pity for the guy - he looks nice enough and is obviously very embarrassed – and go out of my way to give him a reassuring smile.
"Icarus Bligh," he says, extending his hand to me for a handshake. I decide I like the frankness of his demeanor.
"Katniss Mellark," I smile, shaking his hand.
"Oh, I know," he chuckles and then turns to extend his hand to Johanna, who ignores him.
The three of us stay there in silence for a long awkward time until a tall guy with blond hair comes in our direction.
"Bligh, man," he says with a seductive grin, "Won't you present me to these pretty ladies here?"
"Oh. Okay. These are Katniss and Johanna."
"I know who they are. The Mockingjay and Johanna Mason. I want you to present me to them, not the other way around," he glares at Icarus Bligh.
"Okay," Icarus Bligh blushes and tells us the guy's name, but I make a point of not listening to it.
What's-his-name shakes our hands with a cheesy smile that must be supposed to endear us to him. Being socially awkward myself, although not as shy as Icarus Bligh, I feel overprotective of him, so that other guy has instantly earned my dislike. That and Bligh's eyes. Although they are brown and not blue, and his eyelashes are not as amazing as Peeta's, his eyes look at Johanna just like Peeta's eyes look at me. This guy has won me over, yet his countenance tells me he thinks we want him to go away. I can't let him go now.
"Icarus Bligh," I say, ignoring the obnoxious guy, "That's a fancy name. Where do you come from?"
"Oh, I'm from Two, but I've lived at the Capitol for some years now."
"Enobaria's district" I mutter, although I don't really know Enobaria, but I don't know how else to make conversation with strangers without looking like a creep, "What brings you to Twelve?"
"I-I've just graduated from college," he replies, "And landed a fancy job here."
"How old are you?" I ask.
"I'm twenty three."
"How old are you, Johanna?" I ask, turning to my friend.
"What kind of question is that? You know I'm twenty two," she says.
"You're about the same age, so you must have things in common."
Icarus Bligh looks at her eagerly at this; Johanna ignores my comment. I give up.
"I came here to be paired up," What's-his-name says, "But turns out they don't have enough women. Do you know someone who might be interested?"
Johanna takes a look at him, answers his question in my ear and snorts. I laugh with her.
"I thought you girls detested each other," the guy says then, rather taken aback, taking a sip of his drink.
"That's your lazy thinking," says Johanna, bored, and turns to look at the party again.
"How did a guy like you seize these two beauties?" What's-his-name asks Icarus Bligh, trying to get the conversation going again.
I roll my eyes and turn around to see Peeta arriving with the Abernathys. He hasn't seen me yet, and my heart starts racing. I don't know if he will avoid me or still be caring after what happened this morning. I'm so nervous my feet get attached to the floor and my mouth goes dry.
I feel stupid. I want to be with my husband. I'm humiliating him and myself for being here with Johanna and these guys while he is at the other side of the party. Our workers and friends will notice it.
Johanna, oblivious of Peeta's arrival, rolls her eyes at the guy's comment and eyes him and Icarus Bligh.
"I'm going to go straight to the point," she says, "Do any of you happen to have a big cock?"
I take a sip and stare at Johanna. "Jo! Please –"
"I do," says Icarus Bligh, blushing heavily.
"Oh," that's all Johanna says, measuring him up and smirking in approval, as if she's seeing him for the first time.
What's-his-name laughs obnoxiously at the interaction and turns to talk to me exclusively. I nod to seem polite, but I don't even know what he's saying; I just watch as Johanna aggressively kisses Icarus Bligh.
"Bligh has already seized Johanna Mason for the night. It leaves us to make each other company," he says to me. I glare at him in response.
"Be careful. That girl is married and her husband is a known killer," says Johanna, stopping the kiss to look at him.
He seems to take her comment as teasing and accepts the challenge.
"Peeta Mellark is a soft guy. I'm sure he lets the Girl on Fire run free sometimes."
"No, he doesn't."
The guy starts laughing obnoxiously again and points with his finger.
"Isn't that your husband there? And there's Haymitch Abernathy too!" he guffaws and screams, "District Twelve is much better than they told me, this is a celebrity parade!" he drinks a little bit more and throws his cup away into the air, "Your husband looks like he wants to kill me."
Icarus, Johanna and I turn to take a look at Peeta. He's alternating between sending frosty glares to the guy and then looking at me like a kicked puppy.
"Fuck, the guy looks deranged," the obnoxious guy laughs.
I see What's-his-name flirty hand trying to make its way straight to my arm, but before he can touch me Johanna grabs his elbow, stopping his movement in a nanosecond.
"Trust me, you don't want to upset Peeta Mellark," she tells him.
She gives me a look. I know what message it conveys: go to your husband. But by the time I decipher it I'm already running towards him. Peeta has just ordered a cup of liquor and Haymitch is looking at it like it's water in the desert. Peeta knows very well he can't drink, Dr. Aurelius says it can trigger flashbacks. I take the cup from his hand, put it away and latch my mouth onto my husband's.
Peeta is pleasantly surprised by my greeting. He kisses me tenderly and hugs me possessively before he points his chin to Icarus Bligh and the other guy and asks:
"Who are they?"
"I don't know. I don't care. Were you jealous?" I press small kisses to his jaw.
"Yes."
Johanna passes us by, pulling a wide eyed Icarus Bligh by the hand.
"Don't expect me tonight, Mellarks," she waves, and with this they are gone.
Peeta chuckles and hugs me tighter.
"For a while I thought you were trying to move on from me."
"Never. I missed you so much," I reply.
"Can we get out of here?" he asks.
At her insistence, Haymitch and Lana are twirling around on the dance floor and both of them grinning at each other. We wave goodbye to them and move away to be in privacy, in a place where we can actually listen to each other's voices. We find a tree and sit beneath it, our fingers intertwined, our faces lit by the moonlight. Peeta positions me in front of him, in the middle of his legs, my back against his chest, wraps his arms around my waist and kisses my hair. I have the feeling that he wants to protect me, to hold all of me and that he doesn't want me to look into his face.
"I'm so sorry for this morning," he finally says, "How much of it did you hear?" he asks softly.
"Not much. Just Johanna saying that you should tell me what you had told her," I reply.
"You are right, Katniss," he says, "I can't tell things to other people and hide them for you," he says.
"Yes… But I'm also wrong to press you to tell me if you're not ready," I reply, staring at my feet.
"You have the right to know the full story if you're taking a risk everyday by staying with me."
I squeeze his hands and nod.
"Will you tell me about your torture?"
Ne nods, hesitantly, "Did you know Annie Cresta and I were subjected to the same kind of torture?" he asks.
I shake my head. Annie seems too frail to endure more than a light form of torture.
"The goal was to have her kill Finnick and have me kill you. But they failed with Annie."
"Was Johanna subjected to that too?"
"No, it was different with Johanna. They were trying to get information out of her, but they knew she had no weakness, unlike Annie and I."
"But when Finnick and Annie met again… it was one of the most adorable things I've ever seen," I say.
"As it should have been with us," he says, rather disappointed, "But I was weak."
"Tell me," I ask, slightly upset at the way he talks about himself.
And Peeta tells me everything. From the light details - such as the early days of his imprisonment, when the Capitol tried to brainwash him by using simple tactics, like the way he was abandoned in the arena and some real footage of me trying to kill him and the Careers – to the details of the torture.
The torture had a very physical component, but it was mostly psychological. When no one of the other means worked, not even some twisted footage of us, Peeta was confined to a room which had only a bed to sleep in and an electric chair.
After breakfast, his only meal of the day, they would tie him to the chair and insert the tracker jacker venom into his veins. When the drug started working in his system, virtual dimension glasses were put on him. The videos played in those glasses took place in the exact same room where he was confined.
"As I know now, they fabricated videos whose scenery was my room, so that I believed they were really happening there. It was their way to have me in a constant state of terror, because I would be in fear even when they took the glasses away," he explains.
"What did they make you watch?" I ask, afraid of his answer.
"At first it was just you telling me how you thought I was ridiculous and some other hurtful things. But one day Gale showed up and you slept with him in my bed," he says, "Now I know it was fake, but it was a nightmare to sleep there later at night, knowing what you had done."
Artificial intelligence was used to make those videos, so they looked very realistic. He explains that the drugs didn't allow him to question why he had those glasses on. So, as far as Peeta knew, Gale started to appear in his room every day, multiple times a day.
"I was forced to watch the two of you. You always caught me staring at you after, so you either stabbed me or pierced me with an arrow for being nosy. The pain was so real I thought I was going to die. Later, I was told that the chair gave me electric shocks at the exact moment you were supposed to hurt me," he says, "Gale laughed, said that I was a cripple and I could never be a man for you."
He rocks and hugs me tightly, as if moving and grabbing me will make these memories go away. I kiss his hand every time he winces, so that he can be reminded that nothing of that is real.
Back to the story, the Capitol wanted to test Peeta, so I visited him one day to say the same hurtful things I always said. On that particular day, a man went into the room. Only he wasn't Gale, but Finnick. Finnick looked at Peeta with pity in his eyes but took me to bed anyway. After, Gale went into the room, hit me badly and called me a whore.
"I tried to stand up, but I was tied, so I pleaded for Gale to stop and was punished with electric shocks. Then the three of you were laughing at me for being an idiot," he says.
From then on, the videos made me alternate between Gale and Finnick. Peeta tells me he tried to close his eyes, but the system had a way to find it out and gave him small electric shocks until the eyes were open and focused. So he watched it, but in the end I always found him staring and pierced him anyway.
"Then came Beetee," he cringes.
The films portrayed me as not too eager to be with Beetee, but in the end I decided that between him and a cripple like Peeta, Beetee was the best choice by far. Peeta had to see everything once again, was found staring yet again and was pierced by me. Instead of showing compassion, Beetee laughed at him and told him how pathetic he was for thinking he had a chance with me.
"Beetee took a lot of fun in making me watch the two of you. That's what I saw when I attacked him a few days ago. I know it's not real and I'm sorry," says Peeta. He adds that he heard me ask Beetee to find a discreet way to kill him, because the Capitol wanted us married and I said I felt dirty every time I kissed Peeta.
"Your kisses," I say, angrily, "Are the only kisses I had that ever produced feelings in me and reactions in my body."
I feel his heart start beating really fast at the sound of my words. He puts two fingers on my chin, tilts my head and meets me halfway for a kiss. After the kiss, he just rests his chin on my shoulder.
"So they paired me with Beetee?" I ask, "That's sick."
"Which means you don't find it sick with Finnick," Peeta deducts, softly.
"Peeta! I hope you know I never wanted Finnick that way," I chastise him, "But Beetee is a father figure to me, it's really sickening. So did they pair me with Haymitch too?"
His answer is no. Haymitch's image and voice were used as a device to manipulate Peeta further. Whenever I and the others left the room, Haymitch went into it in order to fix the wounds I left and lend Peeta a friendly ear. That was the Capitol's way of knowing what he was thinking and of imposing the ideas they wanted him to have. Haymitch was the one to convince him I was a mutt the Capitol used to destroy everyone.
What a smart move - they knew he would be easier to convince if he had someone he trusted tell him what they wanted him to believe. A person who loved me too.
"How long did these videos last?" I ask.
"I don't know. I was so drugged I didn't even remember the glasses until we left Thirteen. Could be an hour or the entire day, I wasn't aware of time. But I was locked inside the room, and as far as I knew you could come anytime, day or night. I swear, sometimes I heard arena sounds and your laughter when I was supposed to sleep. When I heard Johanna, Annie and the others scream, I thought it was you," Peeta replies.
I try to imagine being in a room waiting for my torturers to come stab me anytime. Not only torturers: for Peeta to come stab me, have him tell me I'm worthless and worse, see him with other women.
"You used to tell the guys that what they did to you was much better than what we had done in the train. That's why I was confused about it," he continues.
"We only ever slept in the train. Nothing else happened."
"I know, Katniss," he squeezes me and presses a small peck on my cheek.
Then, they decided to test him again: one day I was kind to Peeta and asked him to forgive me for all the things I had done. I also asked him if he could still love and accept me after all I had done. He said yes.
Turns out it was just a prank. Gale came out of nowhere and the two of us laughed and insulted Peeta. I stabbed him again and he felt the worst pain so far. He had failed the test.
He was so scared and disgusted he could barely rest. Sometimes (real life) Portia and his prep team visited him in order to prepare him for interviews with Caesar. He would also have a small preparation with an interrogator before those shows. But Portia was the one who told him about the upcoming attack to Thirteen and she ultimately paid for that with her life.
I remember the Avoxes whose torture he was forced to watch and wonder if it is true after all. Darius and Lavinia could be alive. But Peeta thinks it's real, because when they happened he was sober and he can't recall having the virtual glasses on.
"But if you knew I was in Thirteen, how did you believe I went to your room every day?" I ask.
"I don't know, I was in no condition to question that," he says, "But I wasn't so drugged when I had the preparations and interviews, so at those moments I kind of knew you were there and not with me."
After the failed test Peeta was only fed on days he spoke against me, so it explains his physical deterioration when he was rescued.
I started taking different men every time I went into the room, and when I left with those men Peeta could hear their screams. He knew then they were dead and a part of him was happy for it. Sometimes, however, he heard me spare the men's lives in exchange for their children's, wives' or parents'.
"The only constant was Gale because he was your man," Peeta says through gritted teeth.
One day I went into the room with Thread, the Peacekeeper. After bedding Thread, I told him I'd spare his life in the condition he set the Mellark bakery on fire when everyone went to sleep. Peeta says he shouted mine and Thread's names for hours, but the next day I told him his family was dead. When he cried and asked me why I had done it, I said it was for fun.
I also told him that one day I would take him to bed and kill him like the others. But he says I quickly seemed to forget that idea - I got pregnant and Gale was very happy about that.
"I'm sure the Capitol was aware they were coming to rescue me on the day they did," he says, "My dad came into the room covered in dust and told me the whole family was dead, but he had saved himself and he would save me too. Before he could reach me you stabbed him so many times… And that was the end of my torture. After that, I was surrounded by doctors in a new place, they said something about being in Thirteen, I realized my hands were untied and you were running to me -" Peeta stops talking abruptly and lets out a sob.
That last part I can recall too well, but it doesn't cause me as much pain to think about it as it does to think about the treatment I gave Peeta while he recovered in Thirteen. My behavior towards him there just confirmed what the Capitol had made him believe. I hindered his recovery and only contributed to make him worse. It's a wonder how he managed to get sane in spite of me.
"Does it still come to your mind often?" I ask, ashamed of myself.
"Every day," he says with a grimace, "But look. Later, when I was under the care of Dr. Aurelius, I realized something."
"What was it?"
"Those images and sounds were very good mimicking movements and voices, but they didn't grasp Gale's accent correctly. You and I have a merchant accent, and even Haymitch's is like ours after so many years going to the Capitol. But Gale's accent is much more pronounced, like the Seam folk's."
It's true. Prim and I have always had a merchant accent because of our merchant mother, even though we always lived in the Seam.
"They gave him a merchant accent," Peeta laughs, "Isn't it ridiculous?"
I smile, "They must have captured his voice but applied our accent. Artificial Intelligence can't get everything right."
He chuckles nervously, still shaking from his memories.
"Peeta," I say, "What else did they do?"
"I think this sums it up."
"Nothing more?"
"Do you think this is nothing?" he asks.
"I mean… Is this what you thought could make me leave you?"
He sighs.
"Katniss… When I got the train back to Twelve my goal was to be your strength, to support you and make your life better. But I've made your life worse and, instead of strength, I only bring you weakness and trouble. I'm ashamed because I can't be the man you deserve."
"No, Peeta," I exclaim, "I love you. That will always be a weakness, no matter what you do. But you are my strength too, and I need you. You brought me back to life. What did you think would happen when you told me?" I ask.
"I don't know. I thought you deserve a confident man, not one who lets himself be so easily manipulated… By jealousy, least of all," says Peeta.
"You were not easily manipulated. They knew exactly what they were doing."
"Annie was subjected to the same thing and she didn't fall for any of that."
"We don't know why. Annie's mind seemed lost way before the torture, maybe that's why she didn't let it in as much. Don't overthink it."
"Even if you're right, Katniss, I've long ago stopped feeling the urge to attack you for killing my family or for stabbing me, but I still feel the need to attack the men who touched you. Even though I know nothing of that was real. What does it say about me?"
Actually it says a lot about me, not about him. I was the one who caused his doubts and jealousy by engaging in a love triangle with him and Gale. In my defense, deep inside I never believed any of them would love me enough to suffer for me.
"I think you know I would never stab you or kill your family, but you're still wondering if I can change my mind about us and it makes you feel insecure," I reply, "Am I right?"
"That makes a lot of sense," he murmurs, "But I don't want you to think I'm jealous to the point of wanting you to give up your freedom."
"I didn't even have any idea you were jealous. A little bit of jealousy is okay. I have it, too," I say, blushing beet red.
"Do you?" his arms easily flip my body so that I face his puzzled grin.
"I could almost pierce Jo in that elevator. And you too," I reply, "Let's go home, husband."
I hold him like Johanna held Icarus Bligh one hour before and lead him home. I'll make Peeta know he's so loved he'll never doubt where I stand again.
"Are the secrets over now?" I ask.
"It's a yes for my part," he says.
"For mine too."
"Is everything all right? Aren't you repulsed?" he asks.
"By you? You failed a test because you wanted me, even though you thought I had done all those things to you. And you didn't act upon that obnoxious guy at the festival, which means your attacks are only triggered by the men used in your torture," I say, "I promise I'll make sure you never attack Gale or Beetee again. Do you trust me?" I ask.
"I do," he replies, his body relaxing, "So doesn't this change anything between us?"
"Of course it does. I love you a bit more now, which I didn't think was possible."
"Wow."
I look at my husband with pride as we go home. Now we can stop walking on eggshells and be a team like before. I start to feel an insane hunger for him as he opens the door and climbs the stairs with an air of innocence. I feel the want to pull those blond curls when he turns back to smile at me and asks me if I'm going to bed. I know I want all of him as I nod and give him my hand.
Peeta cleans up before he goes to bed and I take a little longer to clean myself and braid my hair. I also remove the makeup from my face with a cream Johanna has in her necessity bag. I watch my reflection at the mirror: I look like Katniss again.
Peeta has been lying in bed for a while when I go to the room and see his chest going up and down peacefully under the sheets. I'm not sure if he's still awake until the start of the fireworks at the festival. He flips in bed and stares at them through the open window. Thom had told us about that – there would be fireworks at midnight.
"There's something we got wrong tonight," I say.
Peeta leaps into a seating position and looks at me with an air of interrogation.
"There's still one secret between us," I tell him.
"What is it?" he asks, almost scared.
"We still don't know how the other looks with no clothes on."
He stares at me, confused, and takes the sheets off of him, showing himself in underwear, like he usually sleeps.
"With no clothes on," I repeat, placing special emphasis in the word no.
His eyes open in realization and his Adam's apple visibly bobs in his throat.
"Oh," he says, "And - We don't want to keep any more secrets, do we?"
"No, we don't."
And then that secret is gone. His arms feel powerful and warm as they wrap around my body and effortlessly take me to lay beneath him on the mattress. His body rests on top of me and it makes me feel safe and protected from all harm. I am exactly where I should be.
His loving gaze shows me he must be thinking something similar.
We kiss and make out for a while, but when things progress he looks shy.
"I don't really know what I'm doing. I've never done any of this before," he confesses, blushing.
"Really?" I ask. Peeta always seemed to be comfortable talking about this stuff, so I assumed he had a bit of experience.
"I don't do meaningless things," he says softly.
"I have never done it either," I tell him, "So we'll learn together."
"Never? Didn't you do it with Gale?"
"No!"
"But you said – I thought – In Thirteen -"
Suddenly I feel self conscious.
"Why are you talking about Gale? It just killed the mood –"
"Sorry, sorry, sorry." Peeta laughs under his breath
And this is the night we have our first time.