"Pregnant?" I ask.
Maybe it's a joke. It can't be real. Johanna wants to be a mother even less than I do.
"Shhh," says Jo in a panic, "No one can know about this."
So she's serious, "Are you going to keep the baby?" I ask.
"I will," Johanna says, "You know, it will be my first living blood relative in years. You guys know you're my family, but this is different. I'm going to have someone of my own flesh and blood again. You understand what I'm saying, don't you, Mellark?"
Peeta nods and tears fill his eyes. This can't be good. Does he see himself in Johanna's situation? He's the last living Mellark, after all. I realize it's up to me to change that.
"When are you going to tell Bligh?" he asks Jo.
"Tell who?" Jo asks him, "Are you going brainless too, Lover Boy? There are two possible fathers."
I cross my arms. Who's the brainless one now? Suddenly I understand who she means.
"Bligh and… Gale," I say.
"Yes," Jo sighs and sits on a chair with her face in her hands, "I don't even know who the father of my baby is. Please guys, help me."
"Maybe we can figure it out. What form of protection did you use with each of them?" Annie asks, trying to be helpful. Peeta and I nod, expectantly.
"Oh. Well... It's just that... Uh... We… Didn't use anything," Johanna stutters, flushed.
"Oh, Jo," I whisper, giving her a big hug.
We are all silent for a couple of minutes, the desperation visible in everyone's faces.
"Okay," Peeta says after taking a deep breath, "This is so amazing, Jo. You're going to be a mother!"
"A shitty mother already," she says.
"Don't say that," Annie scolds.
"So in a few months you're going to have a baby in your arms," says Peeta, "Do you want to be with Bligh or would you rather be alone?"
"I don't know –"
"Jo, you have feelings for Icarus Bligh," Annie states, "You know you do. You mention him every day since you came back from Twelve."
"So what?" Jo replies, "Do I tell him I like him and I'm pregnant but I can't be sure he's the father? The Mellarks know how he is, it would mess with his head."
"Jo, do you want to know my opinion?" Peeta asks.
"Yeah," she replies faintly, "That's why I asked you to come."
"I think you should tell Bligh. It won't be easy for him, but he will accept it as it is, especially because Gale came before you met him. Then maybe the baby is his and it will be all right. But if the baby is Gale's he will still help you raise it."
"I agree with Peeta," I say.
"I can't imagine this baby being Gale's. We don't care about each other at all, he is just trying to forget Katniss," says Jo, shaking her head.
"Whatever," I say, mortified, "Please, tell Bligh."
"I can't. He'll think I'm a slut."
"Well, you're not. It's your best option," I say.
"I'll tell you all what I'll do. I'm going to wait until this baby is born, then I'll figure out who the father is. If it's Bligh, I'll go after him and tell him we have a baby. If it isn't, then I'll let him go," Jo decides.
"I don't think it's a good idea," says Peeta, "He may try to move on."
"Have you had a civil conversation with him since we arrived?" I ask.
"I invited him to come here last night," Jo says, "He refused. He says he's here at work and I know where to find him."
"He's trying to keep a distance already," Annie says, "Tell him now before it's too late."
"I'll think about it," Johanna gives us her word.
I wake up in the early hours of the morning to find myself in Peeta's embrace. I don't know how it happened, since this is not how we fell asleep. It feels good in a way, but I can't let him think we're okay. We're not.
I disentangle myself from Peeta's arms and leave the bedroom. Everyone is still asleep except for Bligh, who's watching the news in the kitchen. He smiles when he sees me. I think I'm a pleasant company for him: I'm not particularly talkative or demanding of his attention. He offers me part of the breakfast he has prepared and we eat it in silence.
"I've been thinking," I say after a while, "Do I need any kind of license to drive?"
"Do you want to drive, Katniss?" he chuckles, "No, you don't need a license, just a car and knowledge of the road signs."
"I think I'm going to buy one," I say, "Sometimes we have to carry heavy stuff from the train station to our house and it's pointless. Actually I should buy two: one for personal use and another for the bakery deliveries."
"That's a good idea. I can teach you all you want if you feel like it," he suggests.
"Would it be okay to start now?" I ask, excited by his offer, "Before the others wake up."
He grins and jumps to action. I follow him to the car Haymitch has rented and he takes the passenger's seat while I take the driver's. I'm shaking in anticipation. Is this really happening, little Katniss from the Seam being about to drive a car?
"My grandpa used to have a manual transmission car, it was much more complicated than the cars we have now," Bligh smiles, "This one is automatic and really easy to use. Okay, start by putting your right foot on the left-hand pedal. Exactly. That's the brake."
He explains everything, from the pedals to the gearshift. It seems almost too easy until I actually start driving.
"Go slow, I want to show you the signs. Hey!" he calls out when I almost hit another car, "Don't scare me. But it's my fault, let me explain you the rules."
We drive for a while in empty secondary streets. At some point, by mistake, we get into a main street and get stuck in traffic. Bligh's forehead drips in sweat while it lasts, but in the end we laugh a lot about it. Everything works out all right and I do much better than I had previously imagined.
Peeta and the Abernathys are having breakfast when we get back an hour and a half later. Bligh and I are still chuckling about my driving, but the others look concerned when we meet them.
"You should have told someone you were going for a ride. That way your husband wouldn't have to worry about you," Haymitch says, looking at me, "Do you drive now?"
So they were watching us through the window as I parked.
"Katniss is a good driver," Bligh says, rubbing the back of his neck, "She got stuck in traffic and managed to deal with it very well."
"Bligh offered to teach me," I say, sitting next to Peeta, "I want to buy a car. I think we should buy another for the bakery too," I add, hoping he will understand I'm trying to talk to him.
"It's a good idea," Peeta replies dryly before going to the kitchen.
"I don't know what you're doing to the boy, sweetheart, but stop it," says Haymitch as I walk after my husband. I glare at him.
I find Peeta washing the dishes furiously.
"Peeta," I say.
He doesn't look at me.
"Do you have anything to say, Katniss?"
"I just went -"
"You can start by telling me what's going on. I'm getting crazy trying to understand," he spats, "Why don't you look at me?"
His harshness is unexpected and a little bit hurtful.
"I'm turned off by you right now," I say, "That's why I can't look at you."
He stops washing the dishes. I know I didn't choose the right words, but I don't know how to fix them.
"What changed?" he asks quietly, although the tension in his arms tells me he's not calm at all.
"Nothing changed. Why did you let Johanna talk to me that way?"
"What way? When?"
"When she said she's doing to Bligh the same thing I did to you. I was left in a place where I couldn't defend myself, but you could have stood up for me. You once said you understood my reasons, but apparently you don't," I say, trying to keep my voice steady.
"That's bullshit," Peeta replies, "You've been all friendly with Johanna in this past couple of days."
"Because what she said has a shred of truth!" I yell, "She spoke of what she knows. She doesn't know how happy we are now, but you should. You know how hard I work everyday to redeem myself and how I struggle with the thought of not being worthy of you -"
"How does that relate to the part where I turn you off?" he asks, obviously wounded by the way I phrased it.
"You don't turn me off. I was just trying to say –"
"So now I don't turn you off?"
"Forget about that. That's not the point."
"So what's the point?"
"The car drive with Johanna. You did nothing when she said –"
"What did you want me to do?"
"Anything but keeping quiet! You could have told her to shut up for all I care!"
"Why should I put fuel into the fire, Katniss? She had just planned our honeymoon."
"Is that your reason to let her say what she said?"
"I didn't -"
"You know what, Peeta? If you keep trying to please everybody you'll end up pleasing no one."
"What's going on?" Haymitch asks, "I'm sure people can hear you at the beach."
"You may be right about that, Katniss," Peeta ignores Haymitch, "If even my wife is turned off by me."
I stomp off before I cry in front of everyone.
The urge to go back is strong as soon as I leave the house. I shouldn't have said that I'm turned off by him. It isn't Peeta that turns me off, only his lack of response in this particular situation. I love my husband; he should never doubt it. But the truth is that I haven't forgiven him: I still need to calm down. Right now the mere sight of him makes my blood boil.
I'm more distressed now that he didn't validate or even try to understand my feelings. He's not only not sorry: I'm still the evil one in the eyes of everybody. I don't think I'll have the will to see any of these people any time soon.
I find my mother's address in my back pocket and decide it's time to see her, so I catch a cab and show the directions on the piece of paper to the driver. He drives for about twenty minutes until he announces I've arrived at my destination.
It's a wealthy neighborhood; all the apartments are upper class. This can't be, my mother can't live here. Maybe there's another nurse Everdeen living in this address. Otherwise it seems that my mother is very well off.
I try anyway. I climb the stairs because I'm afraid of being alone in the elevator. The building is clean and the architecture is futuristic. When I get into the second floor and find the door, I ring the doorbell twice.
I can feel someone approach and look at me through the eye of the door. I clear my throat and realize I'm actually nervous at the prospect of seeing my mother again. Travelling to district Twelve is cheap; she could visit me anytime. Why didn't she?
The door opens and, to my surprise, it's not my mother who I see.
It's Dr. Hendricks.
"Katniss, you came," he says nervously, "Please, come in."
I stare at him coolly. The kind doctor gave me his address at the pretence it was my mother's. This man is a predator! Thinking back, I should have known all his special attention towards me had to mean something. I clutch my pocket knife in case he actually tries to grab me.
"Lucas, who is it?" I hear a woman's voice ask.
I almost sigh in relief to know he's not alone, but the woman's voice is too familiar.
My mother shows up with a baby sleeping in her arms. Her face registers at least ten different expressions when she sees me. First she's pale, then almost blue, then beet red. "Katniss," she mutters, "What are you doing here?"
I can't understand it. I don't know what the obstetrician is doing here. Maybe he came to tell her he gave me her address but didn't get the chance.
"How did you get here?" she asks me, shaking, and I know something is wrong.
"I gave her the address –" Dr. Hendricks says calmly to her, putting his arm on my mother's shoulders.
"When?"
"Yesterday."
She pauses to think. "Why didn't you tell me she was here?" she asks.
"I don't want to hide anymore," he says, sympathetic, "I should have told you, I'm sorry."
I don't have patience for this. I'm disappointed by my mother's reaction after one year of separation. I had another expectation - our relationship was almost healed by the time the war ended. Everything here is new and weird, from the baby to the over-familiarity between my mother and the doctor.
"Do you live here, mom?" I ask.
"Y-yes," she replies, "I live here now. Come in."
I step inside. The house is cozy and visibly a baby's territory. I take a look at the blond baby. So lovely. The face looks strikingly similar to my deceased sister's and I feel my head spinning. "Prim!" I exclaim, putting my hands on the baby as if it will help me retrieve my balance.
My mother winces at the sudden movement, but the baby opens its eyes and looks at me calmly. Contrary to my expectations, I don't see Prim's blue eyes staring into mine, but a bright sea green pair that looks exactly like Dr. Hendricks'.
I fill in the blanks and make the connection instantly. This is their baby. She has had a baby with Dr. Hendricks. I feel repulsed at the thought of my mother having a baby with a man that is not my father.
"What is this?" I ask, "Are the two of you together?"
The doctor replies before my mother.
"Yes," he says, "We are married."
"You have a baby together," I say tentatively, waiting for the confirmation.
"Yes," he says, "This is your sister, Ella. I expect the two of you will be great friends."
I ignore him. "This why you didn't come back home with me," I state, looking at my mother.
My mother starts crying.
"Forgive me, Katniss. I didn't know how to tell you after everything -"
"When did it happen?" I ask.
"We met in Thirteen."
"When did this baby happen?"
"When Prim and you went to the Capitol," she sobs profusely.
I nod slowly. Hurt as I am, I know it must be hard for my mother to cope with the thought of having conceived this daughter while another one was dying.
"Can I hold her?" I ask, pointing my chin to the baby.
"Of course," she passes the baby to me with her hands shaking, "Ella is so calm right now. She seems to like you."
I hold the baby and feel a sense of warmth spreading inside me. This little person fills an empty place I didn't know could be filled. I absolutely adore Finny, but I don't feel like this towards him. I feel like I could give my life for this baby right now for no reason at all. I chocke at the feeling. Can it be love? No, it's nonsense. We just met. Then why am I unable to let her go?
No; whatever it is, I must refuse this feeling. I can't risk putting this baby in the place that used to be Prim's. I don't want to ever not feel sad and empty for Prim's demise.
"I should go now," I say, giving Ella back to our mother, "I have other things to do."
"Will you come back here?" my mother asks and I nod.
"I'll give you a ride," Dr. Hendricks tells me, "I'm going to the hospital now."
"You're so late," my mother says to him.
He kisses my mother on the mouth and it makes me flinch. To think she has forgotten my father after all. He kisses Ella's cheek and coos. I see them for what they are: a small, happy family in which I don't belong. No one has invited me into this family unit; I came here for my own account and now I'm watching them as an outsider.
I could yell at my mother like I did to Peeta this morning. It would relieve me to tell her I don't see her as my mother anymore. That Prim and dad still live in my heart, she's the one who's dead to me. But there's no point in that. Peeta loves me, that's why I took it for granted that my words would have an effect on him. My mother's love towards me is fickle. She may shake, she will cry, but ultimately it will make no difference.
I take a last look at my sister before I get into the elevator with her father.
"Dr. Hendricks, I –" I start.
"I'm your stepfather, Katniss. My daughter is your sister. I think you can call me Lucas," he grins uncertainly.
"I'll try," I say, "Lucas, I think it will be better if I take a cab. You're late for your shift at the hospital and Victor's Village is in the opposite direction."
"Okay," he says, uncertain, "Will you be all right?"
"I've been through much worse things," I chuckle.
The doctor nods sadly.
It's only after he leaves that I realize I don't have enough money to catch another cab. I don't have a clue of how to get to Victor's Village on foot, so I wander around asking for directions. I don't understand why so many people give directions when they have no idea what they're talking about, but they do. I only reach my destination more than six hours after I leave my mother's house, although it took only twenty minutes to get there by car.
It's getting dark and I'm starving by then; it's time for dinner and I haven't eaten since morning.
Bligh and Haymitch look weird when I go into the house. The dishes and food – probably dinner - are all trashed on the floor. I realize what must have happened.
Jo and Delly are helping the others to clean it up, while Annie is probably taking a nap with Finny. Seeing how fast they work, I assume most of the damage has already been cleaned.
"Where have you been?" everyone wants to know.
"Lost. I didn't have enough money to take a cab and I didn't know how to get here," I explain, embarrassed, "Where's he?"
"Upstairs," says Bligh, "He locked himself in your bedroom."
I feel tired. I climb the stairs to my bedroom and knock. Peeta says nothing, so I try to open the door. It's locked.
"Peeta?"
"What?" he snaps.
"Open the door," I ask.
There's a moment of silence.
"No," he finally says.
"I didn't mean it that way this morning," I tell him, "Please, let me in."
"No."
"He's not being himself," Haymitch says, "He had two or three seizures during the day. It got worse when he realized you were taking too long to come back."
While Haymitch doesn't say it, his eyes show reproach towards me and I get annoyed. Why in the world should I be blamed for each one of Peeta's flashbacks? Am I not entitled to have my own needs?
I take the key from the spare bedroom's door, hoping it works in every lock. It works when I try to unlock our bedroom's door with it.
"He could be dangerous –" Haymitch says before I get in and close the door behind me.
Peeta is lying on the floor, panting and sweating, one hand still holding a chair leg. He usually clutches the back of a chair when he has a flashback, so I think he just had another one minutes ago.
"Peeta –" I say, kneeling next to him.
"In a few days you'll be legally required to go back home," he says, staring at the ceiling, "I'll stay here. I can't be there without you again."
Where did that come from?
"You won't be there without me, Peeta. And you never turn me off, it was a bad choice of words. I love you very much. I'm just mad because you didn't stand up for me."
"I'm sorry for that," he says, "I didn't know."
"It's okay," I help him sit and take a look at his hands. They're bleeding, "Let me take care of you now."
He looks through the window and crosses his arms defensively.
"It's already dark, Katniss. You could have taken care of me if you wanted."
"I had a terrible day," I say, "I can tell you about it if you want."
"You should find another place to sleep tonight," he says, "I'm in no condition to find one for myself."
"Are you serious?" I ask.
"I am," he replies, unable to look at me.
"But I want to stay."
"I want to be alone," he says, opening the door for me to get out.
I go down the stairs and get out of the house again. Delly and Haymitch struggle to keep up with my pace.
"Whatever the boy said or did, it's not him," Haymitch says, "He's been saying dumb stuff all day."
"He said that my babies are mutts," Delly confirms, "Asked me to destroy them."
"He told me he'll stay in Four when my permit to be here ends," I tell them, "And to find somewhere else to spend the night."
"There's the spare room," Haymitch says, "You need to be close when he comes back to himself or it's going to get worse."
"He'll think differently by the morning," Delly reassures me, "You can stay with me tonight if you want to talk."
"I appreciate it," I tell them, "I just need to walk and think."
Half a mile after, I grimace as I realize I didn't get any money while I was in Victor's Village. I'm too nervous to get back right now. I don't want to answer anyone's questions until I talk to Peeta again. And I refuse to consider the things he has said to me.
I'm approached by some creepy guys on my way, one of them in a car, but I walk faster at the sight of them. I don't know what they want, but I'm certainly not interested in being charged for murdering a pervert tonight.
My walk takes me to the only other place I know here. Something in my body pulls me to the little person I've met today. This time I know the way there, so it's easier than the previous six hour walk to Victor's Village, although the night in Four is scary and loud.
Approaching the door of my mother's apartment, I can hear the baby's screams while my mother sings beautiful lullabies from District Twelve. I ring the doorbell.
"Katniss!" my mother exclaims when she opens the door, "What are you doing here?"
"Can I stay here tonight?" I ask.
This is a testament of how miserable I feel: asking for shelter in a house where my presence is only tolerated.
She eyes me in concern, trying to gauge what's going on, but she doesn't ask me anything. She nods.
"Do you need help with Ella?" I try to be helpful so I can trade something for my stay, "I can take care of her while you sleep."
"Well… I could use a good night's sleep," my mother hesitates, "I have barely slept since she was born."
This is the first time I take notice of the extremely dark rings under her eyes.
"Your mommy will sleep well tonight," I whisper to my sister, and a sweet feeling comes back as soon as I have the blonde baby in my arms.
Our mother is teary eyed at the sight. She gives me something to eat and shows me how to defrost breast milk, how to prepare a bottle, change diapers and where to find new clothes for the baby.
In the end I do it all to prove her I'm a fast learner. I prepare and feed Ella a bottle of milk, help her burp, take off the dirty diaper, clean the baby, apply cream and put on a fresh new diaper. After that I sit on the couch watching television, still with the baby on my lap, her head resting upon my heart. My heartbeat seems to have a calming effect on her and she falls asleep immediately.
A loving hand caresses the baby's hair. I'm startled; I had forgotten my mother was still here. I wonder if she once did this to me too. It seems unthinkable.
"You're so good with children, Katniss," my mother states with a joyful smile before she goes to bed, "Ella doesn't even cry with you. She acts like she's known you forever."
Who's still following this story? :)