My thoughts prevent me from sleeping the whole night, but Ella keeps me busy. To say the truth, she sleeps almost the whole time, but having something this precious in my care is a responsibility big enough to keep my mind occupied. I try not to think about my problems and I'm successful to a certain degree. The first sunbeams come through the window just at the same time I start feeding my sister. After she eats we rest for a while, looking at each other. I make funny faces and she smiles.
Suddenly there's a knock on the door.
Whoever it is won't have any luck. I'm not going to open it, this is not my house.
The person who knocked on the door decides to ring the doorbell. For crying out loud, it's 7am! There's no way I'll let them wake my mother up.
"Let's go to the crib, little girl," I whisper to Ella, annoyed by the insistence.
I look through the eye of the door and I can't believe what I see. When I open the door to Peeta, he seems as bewildered as I must look.
Slowly coming closer, he pulls my face to his. His eyes try to gauge my reaction. Suddenly his lips are on mine, warm and gentle, kissing me tentatively, as if looking for reassurance that it's okay to do this. My heart breaks at his vulnerability. All the anger I may still have melts and I kiss him back, parting our lips shyly and sliding my tongue into his mouth.
"What are you doing here?" I ask, perplexed, when Peeta reluctantly breaks the kiss.
He looks clean, at least: Haymitch must have forced him to take a bath and his hands are bandaged.
"D. Hendricks said that maybe I could find you at this place," he says, looking around cautiously.
"Come in," I sigh, pulling him to the sitting room by his hand.
"Can I call Haymitch?" he asks, "Everyone must be worried about us."
"I guess that's fine. There's a phone in the hallway."
He nods and disappears. Actually, I feel stupid for not having done it myself. I get Ella from the crib and rock her next to the big window in the sitting room, unsure about what's going to happen now that Peeta is here. Shaking, I try to appreciate the view of the deep blue sea instead.
"You live in such a beautiful place," I whisper to my little sister, "You're going to be a great swimmer one day."
I hear heavy steps getting closer and look back to see my husband stopped at the door.
"What's the meaning of this?" Peeta asks hesitantly, looking between me and the baby.
"Did you call Haymitch?" I ask.
"Yeah," he replies, "Everything is fine."
"Come closer," I smile, "There's someone I want you to meet."
He does as I say, putting his hands on my shoulders and staring at Ella quizzically. "This baby looks like you!" he exclaims, frowning in confusion. His arms sag. I can tell he's trying to do some kind of math, obviously failing and getting even more confused. I chuckle.
"This little girl is Dr. Hendricks' daughter," I explain, "My sister."
His blue eyes dart from the baby to me.
"Sister?" he's shocked, "Your mother -"
I nod and his eyes get wide.
"When did you find out?" he asks.
"Only yesterday."
Peeta nods. "Well, that explains a lot," he sighs.
Yes, it explains why my mother didn't follow me back home, why she never visited us and why her calls always end up abruptly. It also explains why Dr. Hendricks – I mean, Lucas – has always seemed so interested in my welfare. To Peeta it's an obvious clue of my whereabouts yesterday.
"Can I hold her?" he whispers expectantly, almost like a child.
I nod and put the baby in his arms, careful to check if he's holding her correctly and if the head is well positioned. He guards my sister like a precious treasure that can easily be broken, looking at her in awe for minutes in a row. His fingertip studies her hands and each one of her little fingers. Her palm wraps fiercely around his finger and his big bandaged hand closes around hers. When he catches me looking, he grins for the first time.
"She's so perfect, Katniss."
The compliment fills me with pride and I nod with a smile. Yes, I know.
"What's her name?"
"Her name is Ella."
Peeta nods and studies the baby's face again. Silence fills the room.
"I – I came to apologize," he says seconds later, "I wanted to go after you as soon as I realized what I had said, but Haymitch -"
I take Ella into my arms. I'm not going to risk Peeta having another flashback while holding my sister. He nods in sadness and understanding, because he's aware he's not entirely trustworthy right now. I show him the couch and we sit together.
"How did you find me?" I ask.
"I looked for you everywhere, but you're so fast. Anyway everybody knows who you are, so it wasn't hard to find people who had seen you, but they said you were approached by some weirdos and disappeared. I went to the police station and looked for you in hospitals, and then –"
"Then you found my stepfather."
Peeta nods and smiles faintly. "He didn't tell me he was your stepfather."
I don't know what to say as an answer, but I nod. He opens his mouth to talk twice, but nothing seems to come of it.
"I had no idea it affected you," he finally blurts, fidgeting, "Jo always talks to you that way and you don't seem to mind it. I didn't want to come between the two of you."
"I usually don't mind, but this is different," I say.
He nods in understanding. "I'm going to have a talk with her," he says.
"No," I say, "You know how she is, she doesn't even remember it anymore."
"So how can I fix it?" he asks, fidgeting again.
"You're here now, it's fixed," I say, as I slide my fingers into his, "I'm the one who must apologize. I've been very rude to you and I didn't pick the right words when we talked. I didn't mean it that way."
"I know you didn't," he says with a sad smile, "The thing is… The words you used had already been used by the Capitol in my torture, to - to turn me against you. I was forced to watch so many videos of you saying things like that. It was a mantra I heard probably every day. You said that my leg repulsed you and my personality turned you off."
So I used an expression that the Capitol used to have 'me' say in his torture. That's why he reacted so poorly and didn't try to validate my feelings. I'm really an idiot.
"So… Saying that you turned me off triggered those flashbacks?"
"Unfortunately, yes. And I blew it all after that. Despite everything we've been through, I still can't control myself," he replies, tightening the grasp of our fingers "I'm really sorry, Katniss."
"I had no idea," I reply, mortified, "I'm so stupid."
Peeta chuckles. "You couldn't have known," he says, suddenly getting serious, "And you know the things I said were not real, right? I'll be with you anywhere you go."
"I refused to believe it, but I wasn't sure," I say, "We made a mountain out of a molehill and it's all my fault," I add, and he shakes his head in denial, "I'm so sorry, Peeta."
"Maybe it wasn't that bad. There are lessons to be learned," he says, "For instance, let's allow our friends to do whatever they want. In exchange, we won't accept any unconstructive meddling in our relationship ever again."
"That's going to be hard," I chuckle, "We all love meddling, especially our friends."
"They seem to forget we are only eighteen," says Peeta, "As children I was beaten and you were neglected, then we were both forced to kill people. We had terrible losses. I was brainwashed into trying to kill you and you hated me for it. Not long after that we got married before we were ready. We are too sane for how damaged we are. It's unreal to expect us to be perfect."
"Either way, we take damn good care of each other," I say.
"That we do," he grins, "We make each other happy."
He rubs my mouth and chin with his thumb and licks his lips before pressing them against mine, gently and slowly. They feel warm and soft and move in a way that makes me feel warm inside. I want to deepen the kiss, but my sister's presence makes me refrain from it. Peeta doesn't try to intensify it either, moving only as far as I do.
"Second," he says, breathing heavily as our lips part, "We'll disagree again, many times. You can't run away from me when it happens."
I don't know what to say about that, and I can't help but getting defensive. "I don't do it on purpose," I try to explain, "I only realize I do it after it happens."
"But you can come back once you realize your mistake," he replies softly.
"Then I can't go back, because I'm afraid that people will ask questions or that I'll cry in front of them."
"Even me?"
I ponder for a while.
"No. Not you."
"I see," he says, "So, when you have that feeling of – of turn-off – You can't say what you feel?"
"No," I say. "When I am like that, I feel unable to sort my thoughts well enough to speak. My mind gets blank and my mouth seems unable to articulate the words."
Peeta nods. "Okay, you can't talk. But can you write? You could write like Lana does, even if it is disorderly. Then we can sort out your thoughts together," he suggests.
I have a sudden realization. What Peeta says makes sense, a lot of it.
I remember being unable to speak after Prim's death. At the time, Dr. Aurelius came up with the theory that I had become a mental Avox, someone whose silence was brought by emotional trauma. He wasn't too concerned about it and I returned to normal after some time, so it didn't seem important.
But suddenly, images from the past come to my mind. The way I seem to be unable to express myself when I'm upset with people I love. The way I avoided Peeta after the Games, even though I longed for his presence. The years I spent avoiding the boy with the bread after he showed me some kindness and I thought I could never repay him for the trouble. My mind goes to the weeks after my father's death, when I pleaded with my mother to do something to prevent us from starving. My words were met with blank emptiness. Maybe the little Katniss I used to be, never being heard or cared for, became a young adult who, under major distress, doesn't think of herself as worthy enough to express frustration and needs, sensing it's pointless to even try. When the frustration fails to go away on its own, I lash.
Maybe all these manifestations are symptoms of the same thing.
My mouth hangs open. My husband knows nothing about Dr. Aurelius' diagnosis, since he was in the burnt unit at the time. He never studied to be a doctor and we didn't even finish school. This makes everything much more remarkable, since he understands the root of the problem and has found the most obvious solution. A mental Avox is still an Avox and must communicate like one.
I'll share these thoughts with Peeta, just not now. When we get home, we must call Dr. Aurelius together and tell him about it.
I finally grin as an answer to his expectant face. "That's actually a very good idea. I know it will work," I say, thrilled, "And I have a request too."
"Tell me."
"You must write every word that can trigger a flashback in a paper. I want to know all of them," I say, and he grins dazzlingly, "Do you want to hold Ella again?"
Peeta nods and receives the small child in his arms. He stares at the baby adoringly as he holds her.
"Ella has my colors and your face," he whispers, touching my sister's velvety blonde curls, "She could pass as ours. She's amazing."
"She looks merchant," I chuckle. Like Prim, I think, and the thought of my Little Duck makes me feel somber, "But I agree. If we ever had a baby, I think he or she would look like Ella," I say.
Peeta tries to remain stoic, but I can see a hint of sadness in him. "So you've decided against it?" he asks.
"I promised you I wouldn't close that door and I won't," I reply, honestly, "But I don't think we'll ever have the conditions for that."
"What are those conditions?"
"Well… First off, if we were to have children, we would need to be sure the Hunger Games wouldn't come back and that this country remained safe as it is now."
Peeta nods slowly, looking pensive. "Okay. What else?"
"The second condition is even harder. I would need to be sure that our children didn't think of us as monsters or something like that. That they would understand what we did. But that's impossible to know."
Peeta nods again. Again I can see the sadness in his face. I lean against my husband and tuck my feet underneath me to get closer to him, careful not to wake Ella up.
"I know it's disappointing," I say, putting my arms around his neck to take a closer look at his face.
"No. You're not responsible for my dreams."
"Tell me about them," I ask, pressing a small peck on his jaw.
He smiles questioningly, "My dreams?"
I nod, "How many children do you want?"
"Three. But even two would be good," he smiles, enjoying the small kisses I keep giving him, "I just don't want to have an only child. I miss my brothers every day."
"I don't want it either. Prim was everything to me," I concur with him, and he nods sadly.
"I always knew I wanted to have children, but now I dream of having blood relatives again. Like you have this sweetie here," he says, "I'm so happy for you, Katniss. You'll always have a family."
"Why does blood matter that much to you?" I ask, "We are a family, you and me."
"I know, and you've always felt more like family to me than my own parents and brothers. But it's a primitive instinct, like there's something about being the only Mellark left that irks me. Johanna feels the same and maybe Haymitch does too. With that said, I don't need to have children at any price. I'm a rational being."
"Okay," I sigh, "But if we have them, how can you be sure they won't come to this world to suffer?"
His eyes sparkle, although his expression is serious and the answer is quick:
"That is easy. I found them an amazing mother, so they will never be hungry and nobody will beat them."
I almost smile. "What makes you think I could be a good mother?"
"I know you. I know it from how you treat me and people you love. You volunteered to die for your sister and for me in the Games, more than once. No one has ever done that."
"I don't know," I say.
"I do, they would be happy. They would look like you and me. I would teach them to bake and paint. We would take them for walks in the woods and picnics in the meadow. We would give them freedom to explore. They would grow to love our cats, and maybe ask us for dogs and birds and rabbits. They would know about plants and everything our family holds dear, but they wouldn't be forced to work as children like you and me. One hundred years from now, our great-grandchildren would still be running the bakery -"
I laugh. "What if they don't want to be bakers?"
"Then they can sell the bakery to run after their own dreams," he chuckles, "By the way, I've been thinking about this a lot and I've come to a conclusion. I think we should change the business name before it reopens."
"Oh," I say, "Won't it be Mellark Family Bakery anymore?"
"I think Mellark Family Bakery presupposes the idea of a big family running the business. It assumes there will be a bunch of new Mellarks to take over one day, and that they will want to do it. I want to erase all expectations and just name it Mellark's. That's who we are. What do you think?"
My heart sinks in disappointment, not because of the new name but because it seems that Peeta is already giving up on his dream of becoming a father. I don't know why I feel so possessive of the bakery, but it pains me to think that anyone other than our offspring will ever own it.
"It's a beautiful name," I say, "But I haven't yet deprived you of children."
"I know. But it removes the pressure to everyone involved."
I remember I still haven't told him about the appointment two days ago. We were not on speaking terms back then, but there's something he must know. I just hope it doesn't sadden him that I took the decision before speaking to him.
"I took a shot that lasts for a year," I say.
He looks surprised, but not displeased like I feared.
"Really? You did well."
"Aren't you disappointed? Everyone is having children and yet –"
"Not at all," says Peeta, "I don't want to have children now."
I'm shocked to hear it. "You don't?"
Peeta chuckles. "Of course not. Oh, you think I'm that easy." he teases, "I have my conditions to have children too."
My heart pounds as he says it. I'm so stupid for reacting this way, I don't even want to be a mother. He has certainly reversed the tables and caught my attention now.
He chuckles at my reaction. "First of all, I want your body to recover from all the years of malnourishment."
I'm not as skinny as I was when I used to be hungry, but I guess he has a point. My hair is stronger and shinier right now, and only recently did my periods come back. Maybe my body still has a lot to improve before it grows a human inside it.
"Second, district Twelve needs to have a hospital when it happens. I refuse to lose you or our baby in childbirth. Of course I admire women like Delly, who just do it anyway, but they are still pioneers and it's a big risk. It's a no for me."
It makes me wonder what he would do if, not having been reaped or lived through war, we had married in Twelve, since there has never been an hospital there. But I'll ask that later. Right now I only want to know if there's anything else he has to say.
"Third and final condition, since you already know that I want children – I won't beg for something that may make you uncomfortable. You'll have to want them yourself."
"This would make a lovely picture," my mother says when she enters the sitting room, not long after, startling us with the unexpected sound of her voice.
She has found each one of her daughters wrapped in one of her son-in-law's arms. I have my feet still tucked under myself and my head rests on his chest. Peeta's arm embraces my waist and his other arm, supported by a pillow, holds Ella carefully.
"Good morning, Mrs. -" Peeta blushes, unsure of how to finish.
"Hendricks, but Everdeen is acceptable too," she smiles sadly, "I'm glad to see you here, Peeta. Katniss was so sad when she came last evening," she turns to me, "How was the night? I didn't hear Ella cry."
"She woke up for a feeding at 3am and then before seven o'clock. She didn't fuss at all."
"Didn't fuss?" my mother asks, shocked, "That's a first. Oh, well. Have you eaten?"
"No," I say.
"Actually I haven't eaten anything in the last twenty four hours," Peeta says, sheepishly.
"Peeta!" I scold him, "Why didn't you tell me? You could have eaten as soon as you came."
"I had better things to do," he grins, evidencing his cute dimples, "Do you want me to cook breakfast, Mrs. Everdeen?"
My mother takes up on his offer and shows him the kitchen.
"How is he?" she asks, eyeing him when he's out of sight, "Are you sure he's safe? Why are his hands bandaged?"
"He still has flashbacks," I say, "But he has gone a long way and he doesn't try to harm me anymore. He makes me happy, mom."
"He's very sweet. I saw how caring he was being towards Ella and you," she replies, "But I still think you should have someone else with you for protection. Did Haymitch come to Four with you two?"
"Yes," I say, annoyed, "We have Haymitch, his wife, Johanna, Delly, Annie and another boy. We are a big party."
My mother smiles absently, "Haymitch getting married. His wife must have a lot of patience."
"She has no patience at all," I reply with a smile.
Later, while we're having breakfast and watching Capitol TV, we figure a piece is being introduced about us. "Turn up the TV!" I say.
I see Peeta and myself at the beach on the day of the interview with Cressida and Pollux. I'm horrified. Wearing trunks and a bikini, the clothes are too revealing. People will see his chest and my breasts… and my waist and… I look at Peeta and he doesn't look very pleased either.
"Wasn't Cressida supposed to send this for approval?" I ask.
Peeta looks sheepish. "I recall Haymitch saying something about it yesterday," he whispers, "I told him to just approve everything and leave me alone."
I don't reply because my mother is too close and I don't want to tell her about our fight. We look back to the television, watching ourselves at the beach.
On the screen, Peeta and I stand close together, his arm embracing my waist. A voice off makes a brief introduction, telling the spectators that we are in district Four on our honeymoon.
Voice off: Today we have with us the star-crossed lovers of district Twelve, Katniss and Peeta Mellark. They survived two Hunger Games in a row and also a rebellion. In the end, they went home to help rebuild the district and officialized their union in the Repopulate Twelve Initiative. How are they one year after we last saw them?
Peeta: Katniss and I are very happy and finally able to live our lives. District Twelve is our home and it was heartbreaking to see it almost completely destroyed. Most of our people died in the bombings, my entire family included. We are very glad to witness the houses being rebuilt and people arriving from all over Panem every week. It's good to know people are choosing Twelve as their new home and we hope they will love it as much as we do.
Voice off: There's a reason this initiative is called Repopulate Twelve. We asked the star-crossed lovers when we can expect a Mellark baby. Is that part of the job?
Peeta and I smile dutifully at the question, as instructed by Delly.
Peeta: It certainly is part of the job, although that's not a requirement. For now I'm enjoying my time alone with Katniss, and we'll think about a baby as soon as we're ready.
Katniss: This is a really important thing, because the Capitol finances each district according to its demographics. We need to attain a bigger number of people to have essential things like a hospital, an army and even the medicine factory that has already been approved but we haven't been eligible to receive the amount of money that will cover the budget. Our fellow victor Beetee Latier has been working on our infrastructures as well, so we can guarantee every household is served with electricity, potable water and gas. Peeta and I are also working on providing jobs along with Thom Cartwright, our mayor.
Ugh. My part is so boring, nothing like Peeta's. Should I even say these things?
Voice off: Mayor Thom Cartwright's wife, Delly, has joined the couple in district Four. Thom and Delly were the first couple to be united by the initiative and they are currently expecting twins. According to Delly, the Repopulate Twelve Initiative has sponsored 298 marriages and 53 pregnancies so far.
Delly shows her best grin.
Delly: Upon marriage, each couple is assigned a house, a paid job and weekly rations of food. They are given one month to get acquainted to each other and are offered the possibility of an annulment if things don't work out. So, even if you're already planning to get married to your sweetheart, maybe coming to district Twelve is your best bet right now. If you're single, we can help you choose your match.
Voice off: However, Delly must be separated from her husband until her twins are born, since she has had complications in her pregnancy and, as Katniss Mellark stated, there is no hospital in Twelve.
Delly: It's unfortunate to be away from home, but my problem is an exception. There are healers in case you have a health scare, but I have good friends here and also an experienced obstetrician, who is also working on the project for our hospital. We expect to have it working in full force by next year.
The camera captures Lana and Haymitch. They are in the same state of undress as Peeta and I. Lana is smiling and leaning on her husband, occasionally hiding her face on his chest with a shy smile.
Voice: The Second Quarter Quell victor Haymitch Abernathy has also gotten married in the Repopulate Twelve Initiative. His wife was presented to him by a friend in common and they have stuck together ever since. No one in Panem saw this coming to our favorite bachelor, so we asked Haymitch Abernathy how it feels to get married for the first time at forty two.
Haymitch: I don't think getting married in your forties it's any different from getting married when you're in your twenties. People are not aware of this, but I had a girlfriend when I went to the Games. She was murdered along with my family by Snow's regime for my rebellious nature, so I was never a bachelor by choice. However, the Repopulate Twelve Initiative gave me Lana and I couldn't be luckier with the way my life turned out after all.
Lana grins at him proudly and nods in agreement.
Voice off: What many people may not have realized is that Lana Abernathy is an Avox. Haymitch can't find a reason as to why it can make any difference in a marriage.
Haymitch: I don't even remember it at all. Sometimes Lana gets frustrated at my mess and it's the only part where it gets hard, because at those moments she really wants to tell it like it is. That's why I hired that boy there, so that he could translate her lectures. He's a prodigy as Lana's interpreter and as my sign language teacher.
The camera cuts to Bligh, who blushes and smiles awkwardly.
Voice off: Mr. Icarus Bligh is a graduate from the University of Capitol. He has been hired as Lana Abernathy's interpreter and he currently teaches sign language not only to Haymitch Abernathy but also to Katniss and Peeta Mellark. We asked Mr. Bligh how important it is that three former victors of the Hunger Games are currently learning sign language.
Bligh: I hope it will help bring awareness to the Avox cause. There's still a big Avox community in Panem that is currently being marginalized by the lack of dialogue. Most people can't communicate with them and they can't communicate with other people. I believe this problem would be minimized if everyone had a chance to learn sign language in Panem, especially kids at school.
Voice off: That would be amazing news now that everyone is talking about inclusion.
The camera cuts to Lana.
Voice off: Mrs. Lana Abernathy, with the help of her interpreter, Mr. Bligh, has issued a statement.
What happened, in reality, was that Lana gestured and Bligh translated her gestures to the camera, but Cressida must have thought it would have a bigger impact if it was read in a woman's voice. The voice off reads the supposed written statement while the words are shown on the screen.
I am very proud to have been chosen to take part in this initiative when it was so unlikely that anyone would want me at all. Meeting Haymitch Abernathy was the happiest thing that ever happened to me. Before we got married I was sleeping in a cupboard and working as a janitor upon the generosity of my psychiatrist. I was lucky… for an Avox.
Avoxes were seen as the best workers of Panem during the time we were slaves, but for paid jobs there's a clear preference to employ people with strong communication skills. So, most Avoxes have resorted to begging, stealing or prostituting themselves in order to survive. Doing so has marginalized our people even more than before.
Although I was one of the few Avoxes who could get a job, I always felt my life could never be dignified at the Capitol. Most people still found it difficult to acknowledge me because there was no way we could communicate, and because Avoxes are still regarded as convicted criminals, instead of victims of the old regime.
Once I came to district Twelve, everything changed. I've been given everything and no one has ever treated me any differently. I found a man who I love and who loves me back, and our friends have taken to learning sign language with him. I've written to Thom Cartwright, our mayor, and he agreed that sign language classes will be compulsory once school starts. In this place, children will learn to respect us. In a generation, everyone will be able to communicate with an Avox as an equal.
Now I'm talking directly to my fellow Avoxes. If you find yourself being marginalized or living through injustice anywhere you are, consider coming to district Twelve. You'll be okay If you're not eligible to take part in the initiative, although you'll be given a house, a job and food if you do.
The camera cuts to Annie and Johanna at home, giving her kind – too kind for Jo - opinions about the two celebrity marriages and the wonders of the initiative as witnessed by them.
"Lana was so clever," I say, getting hesitant, "But - but it sounds like something you would say."
Peeta blushes.
"Peeta," I scold. Why hasn't he told me anything about this plan?
Peeta reaches out for my hand and squeezes it. "Okay, I admit I may have shared that idea with her, but she was the one that came up with everything," he says, beet red, "I didn't know she would do it. You can see that she really believes it."
"I believe it too," I say, "Do you think it's going to work?"
"I think it will," he replies.
We leave not long after Peeta bottle feeds Ella and burps her with ease. The idea is my mother's: I just don't know if to encourage or discourage Peeta from having babies, or if she really only wants to have a little bit of time for herself.
I dread the moment I'll go back home and, instead of cuddling in bed with Peeta all day and making love to him, I'll have to spend hours explaining to everyone what happened between us and why we're fine now. Then I'll still hear about it for days, but I guess there's no way out.
"You know," Peeta starts before I can say something, "This is our honeymoon and we haven't had any privacy so far. We should be having wild sex all day from the moment we arrived."
I smirk, "What?"
"I mean," he chuckles and blushes a little, "Do you want to look for another place to stay?"
I really do. I nod and hug him to show my approval.
"I think I've heard of the right place, let's see if we can afford it."
"If we can't afford it, no one can," I say. We are two victors with an outstanding monthly pay, we hate meaningless luxury and we rarely spend money on anything expensive.
He chuckles. "You'd be surprised."
Thank you for reading!
Please note that English is not my first language. You're more than welcome to tell me if you find mistakes.
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