Fandom: Victorious
Title: Oro Del Sol
Point of view: Cat Valentine
A/N: This request comes from a loyal reader, Boris. Thanks for the recommendations and the love for my fics. I am doing this from my phone because my laptop died. Pray for me. I apologize for any grammar issues I didn't catch, even with this Grammarly editor. My phone is impossible to write on. Positive reviews are always welcome.
October 2023
"I'm pregnant, Jade." "What the hell am I going to do?"
My heart was racing, and my palms were sticky with sweat. I can't stop pacing and staring at the sonogram in my hand. A tiny fetus curled up in a fetal position. My best friend, Jade West, sits on my bed. Her huge cyan eyes stare at me while she chews her lower lip. "This can't be real, Jade; how can it be real?"
My eyes burn with the hot, salty tears that have welled inside them. "We only had sex once, Jade." "How can this happen to me?" I've always been a good girl. I don't do the stuff that bad girls do all their lives. Honor roll, girl scouts, band leader, choir sectional leader—I was the loser who listened to her parents not to drink or use drugs to save myself for marriage. One time I stopped being perfect, Jade and this happened! How?"
I hate how my voice trembles. The words break up as my throat tries to kill me, suffocating the air supply and trapping it behind my windpipe.
"Cat, I know you are scared right now."
"SCARED! Ha, I'm fucking horrified; I'm petrified. My parents are going to kill me! "How am I supposed to tell them?"
"Honestly, Cat, it's the only route you have." "Do you know what you are going to do, Cat?"
"Keep it, Jade." "I couldn't imagine aborting my baby."
"How do I tell my parents, though?" It will break their hearts; they will be so disappointed in me. "I can't handle it, Jade."
"Yes, you can, Cat, because I will be right by your side." You won't have to face any of this alone. "I promise you, baby."
"Are you sure?"
Getting up, Jade comes closer to me and pulls me into her arms. Her fingers gently stroked my hair. "Always, Cat. I will fight by your side and fight for you. Life isn't always fair, but it's easier with someone by your side. "I will always love you, Cat."
"I'll do whatever you need to help you provide a beautiful, safe life for this precious little one." They will always be loved by me, just like their beautiful mama. I will help them fight for every dream, every goal, and every breath. I promise you both, right here, right now. "For always and forever."
August 2023
"Okay, little one." "I know it feels safe inside mommy's tummy like you are floating on fluffy white clouds." "It's time, though, to come out and meet your fan club."
Cheers ring out inside the labor and delivery room. My mom, Martina Valentine, is 36; my dad, Jamie Valentine, is 37. My parents have been very supportive, but they have made it known. My baby will be my responsibility. Beside them, Jade; and our friends, Trina Vega, 17; Robbie Shapiro, 16; Tori Vega, 16; André Harris, 17, and my baby's father, William Marshall Rollins, 18, and his mother, Amanda Rollins, 42, are all here waiting for this little one to make an entrance.
"You are a tiny miracle, my little love." Rubbing my stomach, I tried to talk to my baby. I'm amazed at how that small bump in October has become a lard ass, weighing my ankles so badly that I can't even walk because of their swelling.
"Unplanned but never unwanted, laying in my heart, but boy or girl, whatever you will be, your fat ass is laying heavy on my bladder and causing me heartburn." "You need to get out of your cocoon and spread your wings."
"Cat!" Jade exclaims, her cheeks red from hearing me talk to my baby. "You can't call your baby a fat ass or tell it that it's giving you heartburn!"
"Why not start with the truth early?" The truth sets you free! "This little one needs to be set free."
Rubbing my legs, which are propped with pillows, she shakes her head, laughing. Her face is filled with emotion. Sheer exhaustion from working at a coffee shop every day after school plus setting up the nursery inside the apartment she purchased where the two of us will raise this little one. Her fingers caress my thighs, helping me to relax. "Ice chips, baby?"
"Please, thank you." She helps me sit up and spoons ice chips into my mouth, which are cold and refreshing.
"Yo, wicked dick, why don't you get over there and be a gentleman and help the woman giving birth to your baby?" I know I raised your ass to be a gentleman. "Just like I know, I taught you to strap it; since you didn't listen to that, the least you can do is make her comfortable."
Ms. Rollins slams the back of her hand against her son's head. "Ow, mama!" William moans, rubbing his head, as he shoves his hands inside his jeans pockets. "Can I do something to help you, Cat?"
I bite my lower lip, unable to answer due to the ice inside my mouth. Jade, of course, has an answer. "Yeah, grow a pair and man up; this baby is coming today." "Have you gotten a job yet?" "How do you plan to support your child?"
"Do you plan to be a dad or a deadbeat who never comes around?"
"No, the fuck will any son of mine be a deadbeat father." I was raised by one of them, and I sure as fuck didn't grow any lazy asses. His ass is joining the Army. He deploys next week. "Speak up, boy."
"This sucks."
It's the first time any of us have laughed in months. William's cheeks blush in a rush of color. "Oh, he speaks." "Lovely. "Maybe he can finally tell me why he forgot to strap Junior!"
"Mom! Enough already! Do I have to explain hormones to you? You had three kids! All unplanned!"
Coughing, his mother steps back, rubbing her head in embarrassment as her cheeks burn brightly. Her azure eyes burn with a desire for revenge, though, so I know William will pay for that comment when they are alone. His mom doesn't play; she's a New York City detective.
"Ow!" Shooting up, I scream as a bad contraction hits me hard. Jade takes one hand, and William looks at his mom before looking at my other hand. "Lord, boy, grab her hand." I bet you didn't have a problem grabbing her hands and putting them over her head while thrusting. It's time to man up; you got it up once. "I have faith you can do it again, now!"
William scrambles to grab my other hand, coughing and stumbling as he looks away from his mom. "I think she's taking one too many lessons from the psychopaths she captures."
"I heard that boy." Do you want to see psychopathic behavior? "Keep speaking; the southern will come out, and your ass will get the switching of a lifetime." "Rest assured; your city wimp ass can't take a good ol' southern beating."
"How bad are they, Cat?" Jade whispered into my ear as she stroked my hair with her free hand. "Stronger and longer than before, ugh!"
Lifting my stomach, Jade massages both sides gently. "Massage her shoulders." " Willy."
"Don't call me Willy."
"Why?" "You were free, Willy, when you were on top of my best friend."
"God, I hate this." Jade arches an eyebrow. "You hate this?" Do you hate this? "How do you think Cat feels?"
All day, Jade has been by my side, helping me exercise, which is supposed to help stretch myself to prepare for labor. I'm sore and dizzy. Sweat tickles my body, burning my skin as it flows down.
"Massage her? Where?"
"Her shoulders, Jackass."
"Jade!" my parents both yell at her, sighing. Jade rolls her eyes, changing her tone. "Take your hands and rub her shoulders in smooth, tight motions." "Please, Willy."
I can hear his breath laboring as he swallows nervously. "She's scarier than any drill sergeant I'll ever face." He mumbles into my ear, making me giggle. Jade is indeed scary to most people. Most people, though, don't know her the way I do. She was a kid torn between her parents in a bitter divorce. A mom who used her for public sympathy, and a dad who ignored or beat her depending on his mood. She learned early on to become defensive. To snap at before she was photographed.
Most days, she feels hallowed and lonely, so she deflects by lashing out. No one wants to get too close to ask questions, and if no one asks questions, she doesn't have to deal with the pain.
Moving fast, Jade grabs an emesis bag as I gag, feeling my nausea rise. My mom moves to hold my hair back. My stomach clenched as I wretched and heaved. Sour acid fills the room as I vomit once again, repeatedly, until I am exhausted. Flopping back against the pillows, I close my eyes, breathing heavily.
"Eight centimeters dilated, Cat." Dr. Robinson remarks as she checks my situation out. I can feel her hands inside my vagina. It's uncomfortable and forces me to squeeze Jade's hand. "Contractions are a few minutes apart, so it shouldn't be too long; keep practicing those breathing exercises."
Jade takes the heating pad from Tori's hands and places it on my back, which hurts. The tens machine helps relax my muscles and reduces pain, but it doesn't take it entirely away.
"I can't believe we'll meet this little one soon." Jade takes out a washcloth and places it against my heated face. The coolness feels terrific against my warmth. "Ah!" Another spasm hits me. Jade squeezes my hand and whispers lovingly to me. "Breathe with me, slow and deep." I love you. Focus on my voice. You don't have to speak. "Just look into my eyes."
It's easy to look into her eyes, and when I do, I can feel myself floating away in an ocean haze of peace and beauty. Under the storm of emotions, one emotion shines brighter than all the others. Love. Pure love.
Most days, I never felt like I mattered to anyone but her. Jade never made me feel insignificant. When I look at her, everyone else and everything else fade away. "I love you, too, Jady."
"Picture holding your baby in your arms, Cat." rocking their body, kissing their head, and singing them to sleep. Visualization is a powerful tool for comfort. Do you think your baby will have a lot of hair when born? "Will the baby have your beautiful caramel eyes or his shady grey eyes?"
"Hey, I do not have shady eyes!" "My mama says I have rich emerald eyes!"
"Oh, sure, now you listen to what I say!" Ms. Rollins cries out, rolling her eyes. Breathing deeply, I lean forward, rubbing my stomach. "I had a lot of hair when I was born, and so did my brother, Jade."
"Oh, so you're giving birth to a mini-Chewbacca?" Cool.
"Bitch." I mumble, swatting at her grinning Jade ducks, but she plants a kiss on top of my head. "Don't hate me for loving you." "You tease the ones you love the most."
"Ah, ha, so you do love me, Jade!" Tori cries, pumping her fist. "I am victorious!" Jade groans, burying her head on my shoulder. "You fell for that one, Jade." "I know," she whispers.
"I'm too young for this, Jade." "I'm so scared."
"I am too, Cat, but we will learn together." "Like it or not, this baby is coming, and there's no turning back now."
"I'm tired, Jade."
"I know, but it will be worth it Cat." You made the right move by keeping your baby, and as scary as it is, we got this. Together. "All three of us, right, Willy?"
"Stop calling me Willy, wicked witch West!"
I can feel Dr. Robinson examining me again, and when she looks up at me, I know it's getting close. "Okay, ladies and gentlemen, this is where I ask everyone to leave except the father and one other guest."
I immediately grab Jade's hand. "Stay with me, please."
"I will, Cat; relax; you've got this, honey." You are doing fantastic. Stay calm and assertive. "A teenage pregnancy won't defeat us."
"Easy to say when you aren't the one pushing a watermelon out of your whootwat."
"Whootwat?"
"I'm drugged; give me a break."
"You're too adorable, Cat."
Tears pool inside my eyes as I slide down; there's so much pressure and pain all over my body. Wiping my eyes with a tissue, she kisses my cheeks. "It feels like a semi-truck is plowing through my vagina."
"Ah!"
"It's hard to stay positive with so much pain, Jade." "I just want the pain to stop."
"I know, honey." "Try to think of your favorite place and imagine being there."
"The beach."
Another wave hits me as I close my eyes and scream. I heard Dr. Robinson speak.
"Push, Cat."
I close my eyes and picture myself lying on a blanket, soaking up the sun, and listening to the waves crash around me while the seagulls fly above, dipping and diving into the waves and people's unattended plates. The smells relax me: sea salt, hot dogs, pizza, polish ice, and blowing sand.
I can see my son playing in the sand and building a castle. Laughing as he calls to me. "Mama, check out my creation!" It's so big and tall. "Just like I will be one day!"
I can see it so clearly that it overwhelms me with happiness as I open my eyes and push. I can hear his little feet running in the sand as I jump up, pick him up, and spin him. There's a soft breeze, making the hot summer day perfect.
"Push, Cat!"
"Ah!"
My screams fill the air as I heave, pushing, feeling the body stretch my sore vaginal walls. "Practice, Cat, for all the toy trucks you'll be stepping on as your son grows up and the plastic GI Joes."
"I highly doubt that will be as painful as giving birth!"
"Nope, but just remember this when you are cursing because you broke the skin of your toe stepping on them."
"You aren't helping."
"Maybe not now, but I'll be there for every failed pitch, every complete touchdown, and every temper tantrum, yours and his."
"Every gun battle water and Beebe guns. When he is sick, I will be the one helping you give him the yucky medicine and changing his diapers, fighting with him over bath time, and eating his vegetables."
"Ugh, fine, you get a pass."
"Better be nice to her cat; the years will go fast, but the days will be long." "You'll need her when you have no voice for storytime at bedtime after working all day."
"Sure, gang up on me."
"Where do I fit in all of this?" William voices his concern softly. "Where do you see yourself fitting in?"
He shrugs. "I never imagined my future." It is strange to admit it. "I know, but it's always scared me because when all my friends talked about their plans and dreams, I found it hard to imagine anything past the current day."
"Do you want to be part of this kid's life?"
"Well, I don't want to be a deadbeat dad." Mama aside. "I had no dad growing up, so I would never wish that pain on a kid, especially mine."
"Ah! Ugh!" Squeezing Jade's hands, I push hard, groaning. I watch as a nurse cleans me up. Did I make a mess? I look at Jade, who kisses my head. "No need to worry." "Cat just had a little accident." "Huh?" "Like I said, no need to worry; birth is messy; body fluids come out every end." "Focus on delivering a healthy child."
"I'm so tired, Jady." "I know, baby, just a little longer." It's incredible to watch you give birth. So, many of our peers view you as a little girl lost between Disney World and Oz, but none of them could do something this impressive. You are radiating with love, Cat. "It's so beautiful to see."
"Jade, the head is coming." "Do you want to be the first to catch the baby?" Dr. Robison speaks directly to Jade. Jumping up, she smiles but pauses, looking at William. "Willy, do you want to catch your child?" You are the father. "You should have first glance and be the first to hold."
His face becomes pale as he looks down at where my legs are propped up. "No, I'm good." You've been there for Cat from day one. It's only fair that you be the first. "Cat trusts you."
I'm glad he made the choice, which he made by nodding. Glowing, she positions herself between my legs. Placing her hands against my vagina, her eyes locked with mine. "I love you, Cat." "You are doing amazing."
"Ugh, I feel awful!"
My muscles cramp as I push, feeling like a dragon ready to take flight. "Watch as her walls expand, Jade." "It's pretty miraculous to watch a baby being born."
"Pretty sexy, if you ask me."
"Ugh, you are crazy, Jade." "Watching this is the perfect PSA for teens to promote sexual abstinence."
"Wimp." Jade mumbles. "You look beautiful, Cat." Powerful. You don't look vulnerable anymore. Push, Cat, long and hard. "You got this, honey."
"Jade, when the baby emerges, grab its shoulders and back; you won't hurt it."
"On three, Cat. "One. Two. Three. Push!" "Ah!!"
"
Push into the pain. " No matter how much it hurts, do everything you can to stop it, which means getting this baby out." Push. Now!"
"Ughhh, Ow. Ahhh!" I feel the rush of fluid flow out of me as my walls stretch while the head passes through. Jade, grab the shoulders. "Good, like that; now pull a little, Jade."
"You won't hurt either one of them."
Jade's hands feel warm and steady as she gently pulls.
"Push, Cat."
"Damn, this is amazing." We start so small and vulnerable in life. You are so tough, though, Cat. It's phenomenal." I feel Jade pull the body out, and a few seconds later, a cry fills the air. One final push and the afterbirth came out. Collapsing on the bed, I groan.
Looking up, I see Jade's eyes glowing as she's holding my baby. An immense joy suddenly fills my soul. The painful part is over. Inside, I shake hard, watching my baby jerk and wiggle in her arms. One of the nurses takes the baby to examine it.
Coming over to me, Jade kisses me deeply on my forehead. "You did it, baby girl." I am so proud of you. "Do you want to meet your daughter?"
"A girl?" "I had a girl." She smiles and nods. "Yes, you did, sweetie, and she's perfect." "Do you have a girl's name picked out yet?"
"No, not yet." I wasn't expecting a girl. Wow, I kept picturing a boy. I can't believe I have a daughter. "Is she okay?" "Where is she?" There are so many nurses in the room that I can't see her.
"Can I hold her?"
Taking off her gloves, Jade washed her hands, both of us watching as the nurses whisked the baby out of the room. "Where are you going?" "What's happening?" William moves to settle by me taking my hand. A look of fear filled his eyes. "Hey! Get back here! "Where are you going?" Jade's screaming only intensifies my fear. She goes out chasing after the nurses. She's stopped by Dr. Robinson, who closes the door.
"Where are they going?" "What's wrong with the baby?" Jade's voice is tight with emotions; I can hear her choking on her tears. Jade never cries or shows any emotion except anger. For her to openly cry tells me it's serious. "Cat, I know this situation is scary." It felt like an out-of-body experience. I followed the nurses with my eyes thoughtlessly, not knowing where my baby was.
I can't speak or even form a thought. I am mentally and physically exhausted. Where are they taking my child? The swirling chaos of the hospital has me spinning in all directions.
It would be days before we had any real answers. Endless days of worry and wonder came when nurses came in to check my vitals and ask me how I was holding up. My parents were telling me how brave and strong I was. I didn't feel strong. I felt scared and lost. They made me get up and walk. My body was sore and tired, but my heart felt heavier.
Why wasn't I getting answers other than that we were running tests? What tests? Why? Jade and William never left my side. Jade held me and allowed me to cry. William ran for food and coffee, keeping our parents advised.
As the never-ending days continued, we felt robbed of some of life's most extraordinary experiences: bonding with our newborn, bottle or breastfeeding, middle-of-the-night snuggles, and ultimately, having a typical and healthy child.
We essentially lived in the NICU for 12 hours per day. A small, curtained area of a noisy room was not exactly the place I wanted to be recovering from birth and coping with emotional trauma. I needed constant reminders to take care of my physical well-being.
"You should take a self-care day, Cat." I can stay and watch if the doctors have any news. I promise I will call."
I never knew how to respond because nothing sounded appealing if it meant that I would be leaving my new baby alone in the hospital. I was already struggling enough to feel like I was her mom. It felt challenging to bond with her, constantly anxious about tugging at the wires incorrectly and never truly feeling like we had any privacy amidst the shared room, visits from staff, and the noise. Somehow I always smiled, though, because I knew Jade meant well. She would wrap her arms around my petite frame and kiss the top of my head. We stood and watched this beautiful baby wiggling in the incubator attached to many wires, amazed by her will to fight.
I was released, but it didn't feel like it because I lived at the hospital anyway. As the days passed, family and friends scattered, going on with their lives and returning to work, school, or, in William's case, preparing for boot camp.
I gave him privacy as he said goodbye to his daughter. The idea that he might go off to prepare to fight for our country and not know if he's ever going to see his daughter alive again filled me with incredible sorrow, as crappy of a father as he had been these last nine months. He seems to be affected by her birth and struggles. Is he changing? Can becoming a father change a boy into a man overnight?
Coming out, he scrapes his foot against the floor. "I think we should name her before I head off, Cat." It would be nice to know my daughter's name when I am away. It will be the thought of coming home to her that keeps me strong. "Do you have any idea what you wanted to name her?"
"No, it's been so crazy." I haven't even thought about it. "Do you have any suggestions?"
"I would like to name her after my mama." William looks towards his mom, who stands at the side. Watching and smiling. "My mom's middle name is Rain."
"I like that." I look at my daughter, wiggling and screaming, fighting to stay with us. She reminds me of the dying days of summer. When the air turns crisp and relaxed, the summer refuses to fade away silently. "How about Summer Rain Rollins?"
Unsure of what to say, he nods at me, smiling sadly, and walks away, head bent down. "They'll eat him alive in Iraq," Jade whispers, making me smile a little but also worry. I don't want him to die. My daughter needs a father.
"I'm here, baby." I'm here. "We've got this together," Jade whispers. Leaning back against her, I close my eyes.
My heart sank each time I watched my daughter root for milk, and I couldn't feed her. It took a few weeks to become enamored, as a new parent usually is, because, at times, it felt like she wasn't even mine.
I felt exhausted mentally and physically. At times, I found myself behind a closed door in the breast-pumping room, letting out all the tears I tried to hold back when we were in front of the nurses. Jade was the only one I felt comfortable enough to cry in front of. She would hold my hands, stroke my cheeks, wipe my tears with a tissue, and gently tell me she loved me. She was the sweetest person to me, and some days I felt horrible because, as hard as I tried not to, I felt myself growing resentful that my baby was spending more time with her since I was pumping every couple hours and it seemed as if they were forming a stronger bond. Many days we felt disconnected, as we barely stood on our own two feet.
The NICU is like being on a rollercoaster. There is constant waiting—waiting for official diagnoses, labs, procedures, recovery, and doctors to call. With the best of teams, it can still be challenging to put all of your trust in their decisions. I was worried, not knowing exactly who was watching Summer all night.
Most nights at home, I lay awake in Jade's arms while she slept, exhausted from being up with me all day and holding me while I cried. I worried that my Summer was cold. Or she was scared. Could babies feel fear this young? Who was holding her when she called? Did they let her cry or try to comfort her? The NICU is so crazy; was she being ignored? Was she attended to? Why wasn't she gaining weight? Didn't they feed her when I was away?
I barely slept at night, and by the morning light, I felt exhausted and fearful walking into the NICU doors, not knowing what the day would bring. So many new doctors told me about different tests they wanted to run but never why.
Each day we hoped for answers, but every night we looked back, knowing we were going home without any responses; we would only have more unanswered questions and a deep-rooted fear. We were leaving our baby again to return to an empty crib at home. I found myself washing my hands until they were cracked and bone dry.
We had little privacy to let out our emotions; there were days of extreme highs and days of extreme lows. There is so much that is unknown. One day I was at my wits' end. Jade had fallen asleep in the rocker. After she had returned to work and had come right to the hospital to see me, Amanda was sitting beside me and saw how stressed I was. She took my hand and told me about when William was born.
"He was three months early, his lungs were underdeveloped, and he managed to get every infection possible." "Pneumonia, respiratory syncytial virus (RSV), rhinovirus (RV), and influenza virus. I spent five months in the NICU with him. I was scared and alone because I had no family or real friends in Atlanta. I learned a few things, Cat. It's OK to ask people to be with you. No matter how busy someone else seems. Know this your feelings matter. They are valid. They are honest, and no matter how scary or unjustified they may feel, they need a voice."
"Allow your family and friends to be your ears. It's okay to ask for help beyond Jade. Don't let her take on the burden alone. Ask me, ask your parents, or ask her parents. Ask your friends. Accept the help. However, if you need time to be alone when there's too much action, it's also OK to ask to be alone.
"I feel guilty asking, though; my friends are so young." "They should be focused on school, dating, preparing for college, or life after high school."
"Cat, you are their age; it's too much for you to handle alone. If they are your friends. "They will want to help."
"It's embarrassing to cry in front of them, though." They get so uncomfortable.
"It's OK to cry in front of others." If they are uncomfortable, that's a problem they must work on; don't let their discomfort stop you from expressing yourself. This is a scary journey, and it doesn't get easier. "The older they get, the bigger the fears."
"Great," I remember Amanda laughing and slapping my knees. "It's OK to take a break from the NICU." Jade and I are both here, and the nurses here do care. As busy as they are, they know what they are doing. Summer is safe in their care. "Allow them to relieve some of your load while you have them."
"It's OK to ask for help with meals, laundry, and other basic needs." Don't push yourself to do everything at once. Take time. Divide chores daily. Give yourself a mental break. Every mother will mess up; it's human nature. "I promise you won't screw your child up." "It's OK to tell it like it is—no need to sugarcoat." "Take some lessons from Jade." We both laughed.
"It's OK to lay down boundaries in your work and family life about what you need during your grieving period."
"It's OK to speak to your team and ask what your baby needs."
"It's frustrating when all these medical professionals talk to you but never with you. "Be aggressive; she's your child."
"I don't even know what to ask, Amanda." I am so tired. I never imagined this would happen. I pictured carrying my baby home after a few days of nursing her, changing her sleepless nights awakened by her crying. "I feel so selfish complaining."
"It's OK to grieve the loss of a "typical" birth experience and envy others who take their babies home right away."
"It takes time to grieve, Cat; it takes strength." "When you feel weak, lean on us."
The day we got the news, though, I felt more connected to Jade than ever. She held me as the new doctor introduced himself as Dr. Peter, a pulmonologist.
"Mrs. Valentine, hello." "I am so sorry to meet you under these conditions, but as you know, your daughter had trouble breathing when she was born." No, I didn't know that I wanted to scream. I knew nothing because no one told me anything. I look to Jade. Did they tell her, and did she keep it from me? Her look of pure confusion tells me she was as clueless as I was. Neither of us speaks against the doctor, though he continues to talk, not giving us time to absorb this information.
"After we examined your daughter, we grew concerned because of how weak and sticky her lungs sounded." along with several other symptoms. Salty-tasting skin, what appears to be a lung infection, and shortness of breath. Frequent, greasy, foul-smelling stools within the first few hours of birth. "So, we ordered a sweat test to get an accurate diagnosis."
"What's wrong with my daughter, Dr. Peter's?" "Did the test hurt her?"
"No, Ms. Valentine. It is a painless test. A small electrode disk is placed on the skin, usually on the arm, to get the sweat glands to make sweat. The sweat is collected, and the amount of chloride in each part of the salt is measured. "A high chloride level means that the person has cystic fibrosis."
"I'm sorry to tell you, but the results of your daughter's test show that your daughter has cystic fibrosis."
"What is cystic fibrosis?"
I turn around to look at Jade, hearing her breathing become labored. Her cheeks are flushed. She understands whatever this diagnosis is, but I feel lost and scared. How does she know what CF is and I don't?
"Ms. Valentine. Cystic fibrosis is a lifelong disease that affects the respiratory, endocrine, reproductive, and digestive systems. About 30,000 children and adults in the United States (70,000 worldwide) have CF. This disease is caused by a defective gene that makes the body produce very thick, sticky mucus. This mucus clogs the lungs and leads to lung infections. It blocks the pancreas and prevents the normal breakdown and use of food by the body, as well as inhibiting the body's ability to produce insulin."
"It affects bowel function, leading to constipation or loose stools due to the increased mucus in the intestines."
"Oh, my God, it sounds horrible!"
"It isn't a pleasant disease, no." "But we have made great strides in research and treatment."
"What did I do to cause this?" "Why does my daughter have this?"
"Ma'am, you didn't do anything to cause this; as scary as this is, I can assure you that she didn't get this illness because of anything you did or didn't do."
"Cystic fibrosis is a genetic disease." This means people inherit it from their parents through genes or DNA.
"To have cystic fibrosis, a person must inherit two copies of the defective CF gene, getting one copy from each parent." Carriers are not affected.
"So, she got it from me!" My body shakes as a swell of tears rushes out, wrapping her arms around me. Jade holds me tightly. "No, baby, it isn't what he's saying."
"Yes, it is." "I carried the gene that made my baby sick!"
December 2023
In the initial months after diagnosis, Jade recognized the pressing need to strengthen our relationship and work together. She helped me see that not blaming myself was the key to keeping myself healthy and strong, which is what my baby needed.
A mama to fight for her. It meant taking charge of my baby's needs and pushing my feelings aside. Cystic fibrosis was here to stay, and our daughter needed us to be her foundation. As the months passed, I felt like Jade was her other parent. Every night she let me sleep and stayed up changing her diapers, rocking and feeding her, and singing to her. We were both exhausted, but we kept going because we had to. Amanda had returned to New York City. It was up to us. Somewhere along the line of juggling being teenage parents and high school students, Jade and I discovered we were in love with each other.
We had to find the time to balance being lovers and parents, which was difficult. We couldn't afford to go to fancy restaurants, and we didn't trust leaving Summer with anyone. So we made time at home. We were cooking dinners for each other, turning the radio up, dancing in the kitchen at three a.m., and stealing kisses while one cooked and attended to the baby.
One night a month, I always made time while Jade was at work to give her a beautiful memory to treasure in years to come. I put on soft music and made her favorite meals. I set the table with candles and poured us a glass of wine, and we would sit and chat in the privacy of our home in a romantic setting. We turned off our phones and enjoyed each other's company. We took the time to ensure the other was doing okay and to open ourselves. To see each other and beyond ourselves.
One night when we were both too tired to cook. We ordered in, and while Summer slept, we put Netflix on. I let her pick the movie; it was some old one called Oro del Sol. In translation, it means "the golden one." We snuggled in the covers. I can still remember seeing her lying there next to me. Her raven hair fell all over the pillows, and her pallid skin as her chest rose and fell while she watched the movie, finally feeling settled. All I could think was, my god, she's fucking beautiful!
I saw her smile and glance at me. While I kept thinking, she chose me! Out of all the boys and girls in the world. She could have any of them, yet she chose me and Summer. She chose us. I felt so blessed. My hands shook a little as I caressed her hair. She settled for me. Her breathing was soft. Relaxed. I made her comfortable. I treasured that moment. The few golden moments of silence in our tiny home
At that moment, I felt brave. I reached over, grabbed the remote, turned off the TV, and crawled beside her. She hesitated and looked at me, and I leaned down, kissing her deeply. She responded by pulling me into her body and kissing me back passionately and fully. She took my hands and led them below. I wasted no time. Knowing Summer could wake up at any second.
She was pushing her thong down. She kissed me deeper, her tongue exploring my mouth as her eyes connected with mine. So brilliant, so bright, and so beautiful. She left me speechless. I felt like Debbie Gibson described it in her song "Lost in Your Eyes." I was falling.
I wrapped my other arm around her to undo her bra clasp. This was easier than I ever imagined, even in the heat of the moment. I slid my hand under her now-loose bra and squeezed her breast. Her hand dove between my legs, playing with my aching mound through my pants. I moaned into her mouth. She nuzzled her face against mine. I breathed her in. Her scent is fantastic. Unique.
"I love you." "I have been trying to fight it, but I do." Her words completely stunned me, slamming into me like a ton of bricks yet making me feel like I could fly. "I love you, too, Jade." "So much."
"You make me so happy." I wiggle, laughing, as she pulls my pants off.
My hands immediately gripped her hair, putting her towards my kitten, who was not only wet but now swollen and excited for her touch. I held Jade close as she loved on my outer lips, caressing them, sucking them softly, and finally flattening her tongue and licking me from my opening to my navel.
The tease then paused, of her actions affected me. She looked up at me and winked. Jade slowly kissed my skin and sucked my clitoral area into her mouth. Her hands still slowly caressed my buttocks as she slowly opened my cheeks and teased at my pink unicorn.
Jade's tongue started to swirl around my clitoral area, bringing me closer and closer to the brink. Suddenly, from my core, I felt a fantastic rumble. My legs started shaking, and I screamed as my orgasm overtook me. She was a skilled lover. This was what sex was meant to be, steamy, hit, and shivering, and I was enjoying it. Unlike my first and only time before this with William, where it was pure pain on my part with his grunting and crying out in pleasure, this time, it was all pleasure down there for me.
As I rode the wave of pleasure, I held her tight to my womanhood. Not flooding, but coating her face and tongue with my unicorn nectar. Her moans of enjoyment and coaxing me on gave me the happiness I needed now. As my orgasm subsided, I felt the gentle, tender kisses of Jade's lips all over my lower body. She was such a gentle lover. I lowered my hands, sliding them from her hair to her face to her shoulders, and gently lifted, indicating I wanted her to lie on top of me. As she lay over my body, I wrapped my arms around her, pulling her into a deep, loving kiss and tasting myself on her lips.
As we embraced, I continued to kiss her softly and whisper to her that it was her turn. I laid her down on her back, taking in her beauty. My hands slowly moved up her legs. I kissed her navel, then her tight stomach, while Jade opened her inner folds, exposing herself to me. I wanted her to feel like the most important woman in my world, and I wanted to love her as she had yet to be loved. There was a softness and a gentleness as I slowly kissed and licked her folds, paying particular attention as she moaned, exhaled, or inhaled and spoke to me.
Very gently, I took the index finger of my left hand and let it slide down, allowing it to spread her open, and paused it at her opening as I moved my lips forward, sucking her clit and trapping it between my lips. As I held my tongue against her clit. I used my finger and slowly felt her velvet walls close tight on my finger.
There was a sense of need in her voice. As I slowly kissed and made love to her, I gently slipped a second finger into her opening and was rewarded with a soft moon and then a quick squeal as I slid them forward deep, turning my palm upward, curling my fingers, and finding her trigger.
Between my two fingers teasing at her walls and trigger spot, I slowly moved them in and out while I licked and tongued her clitoral area. I heard her hand slap the bed with a quick gasp from her lips, and then she squealed. I doubled my efforts, hoping and praying that I could give Jade what she had given me.
The feeling of a Jade's nectar flowing from her onto my tongue and into my mouth is the most rewarding sexual pleasure I can imagine, but with Jade, there was a quick squirt and an arch of her back as her walls tightened. It was magical to hear and feel as she reached heights of satisfaction and bliss before a mini waterfall poured into my mouth.
Jade closed her legs around me firmly but loosened her grip as she came down from the sexual high she was on. I gently continued kissing her until I heard a long groan, knowing it was too much.
I gently made my way up to her, kissing her skin and watching her reaction. She gently cupped my cheeks and smiled as I moved up next to her, rolling to my back and bringing her into an all-too-familiar cuddle, her head on my chest. She began to kiss my nipples and massage them, making me moan once again. "Your right one is so full, Cat." It's phenomenal."
"They're the same size, Jade."
"Nope, right, is a bigger." "Juicer. So tasty." Jade spent a lot of time savoring my breasts, licking, sucking, biting softly, and loving me. I can feel some of my milk leak out, and Jade lovingly licks it up, making some soft moans.
"Oh, you like my milk, baby?"
"Yes, I do." "You taste amazing, Cat, sweet and vinegary."
Her right hand still has a grip on my left breast; finding my hard nipple, she pinches and slowly pushes against the bed, reaching for something. I can't see what it is; I am so pleased. She moves her hands to my arms and raises them over my head. Her mouth has begun to attack my shoulders, chest, neck, underarms, and face. In random moments, she bites, sucks, kisses, or licks me. Her hips pushed hard against the bed, which squeaks in protest. I worry that Summer will wake up. I don't want to stop, though, so I lean back and close my eyes. Our pubic mounds press against each other; her hips are undulating against me. All I can do is moan and cry out in pleasure. She stops for a minute, but I don't open my eyes. I want to enjoy this moment. When she returns, I feel something hard against my stomach, and I know she's wearing a strap-on.
Jesus. I am going to be so happy tonight. I feel her line it up with my dripping center and glide it into me, slowly at first, but our lust takes over, and I grab her legs, parting them so I can get a proper grip on each, and slam her into my center, taking the full length in one lust-filled motion.
I gasp as she begins to take over. Her hands are on my hips, and I can feel her skin as she thrusts against my hot center, which pulsates each time she fills me with her silicon toy. Faster and harder, harder and faster, I am on the verge of another orgasm. It doesn't take long, and I am cumming; the feeling is excellent. The contractions within grip the toy as she makes love to me. To be accepted by Jade is the meaning of ecstasy. My orgasm lasts forever as she continues to make love to me.
Her satisfaction is the only thing on my mind. I enjoy the feel of my beautiful girlfriend's skin under my fingers. She must be getting closer; her hands have left my hips, and her left arm is now wrapped around me just above my shoulders. I move to try to increase her body contact with me. Her hard thrusting has become a deep penetration and a hard rubbing; she moves back and forth; her breathing has quickened; she is forcefully pulling me against her and playing and licking both breasts, favoring the right occasionally. She begins to moan. We are nearing a mutual orgasm; her hand has left my breast and is now on my clitoral area, playing with it. Her breathing is more profound and faster.
Suddenly, we are both cumming, and her hand has returned to being wrapped around my belly. "Oh, God!" she screams, her toy planted firmly within me. I can feel her rub my clitoral area against the base of the silicon toy. I reach between my legs; I have to touch myself and join her in mutual ecstasy. Both of us moan in pleasure. The rich smell of our activities fills the small space of our bedroom.
We collapse onto the bed; I can feel her deep within me; her arm is still around me; we are basking in the glow of post-orgasmic bliss; nothing is said, just the intimate contact of lovers enjoying each other's touch. Slowly, our breathing returns to normal. She slips off of me. She was holding me tightly and kissing me.
"Waah!" Summer's cries bring us back to reality. " I got her, Cat. " Rest. Thank you for tonight. It was as beautiful as you are, honey."
The months passed slowly, and we knew it would be difficult and expensive. Jade was taking on extra shifts, barely sleeping between school, work, and auditioning, plus helping me at home as much as possible.
I was nose-deep in research on gut-wrenching concepts like life expectancy, pancreatic insufficiency, and antibiotic-resistant infections, to name but a few. On her first clinic visit, we learned the basics of chest physiotherapy and were initiated into the world of specialty pharmacies and medications. Bloodwork, gag cultures, and frequent weight checks would become normal and necessary to monitor her condition. It felt massive to digest everything. Her doctor was very optimistic with us and always realistic. "As hard as this journey will be, ladies, I see no reason to expect Summer to be anything except a healthy, happy child as she grows." "As long as we stay on top of her daily treatments and monitoring, she will do everything any other child will do as they grow." They emphasized that they believe there will be a cure in her lifetime, and it is a very different world for CF children born today than for those born in the past. I loved hearing all those things, but nothing could touch the level of fear and heartbreak I felt at that time.
Fear of something invisible became my regular in the following months. Bacteria that would otherwise be harmless to the average person thrive in the thick, sticky mucus in CF's lungs. Gag swabs are done monthly in the summer to see what bacteria are growing. She has been lucky so far and has only grown staph asymptomatically.
For more severe or symptomatic growths, if they cannot be eradicated with intense antibiotics, the patient can become colonized with those bacteria. This, I learned, can result in exacerbations, lung damage, and a decline in lung function. The bacterial and viral risk analysis I am constantly bombarded with is overwhelming, particularly early on. Bacteria and viruses are everywhere. Jade and I remind ourselves and each other that it's impossible to protect her from them all, and we struggle significantly with managing the anxiety associated with this. Our struggles sometimes escalate into fighting. Senior year is challenging for anyone. It's the last year before the real world hits. Except for us, we were living in the real world every day.
We felt isolated at school. All our friends were worrying about school dances, grades, who was dating who, and which teachers were the hardest. Where they saw themselves in ten years. We were trying to make it day by day. To keep our grades up, keep a roof over our heads.
Our parents offered to help, but we both felt pressure to do this ourselves. To be responsible for this life, we are brought into the world. William wrote and called as often as possible. Amanda flew in every month. But ultimately, Jade and I did the majority of the work. It left us stressed, tired, and scared.
One thing we learned early on was that you have to take time to laugh, even in the slickest of situations. One comes to mind. Summer was just a few weeks old when I was changing her diaper on the couch. "Cat, I wouldn't change her there." Exhausted and cranky from no sleep and extended school days that had started a few days before. I was in no mood for Jade to tell me how or where to change my daughter. "She may pee all over the couch, Cat." "We don't have the money to buy a new one."
"Stop complaining about money, Jade." It'll be fine. She won't pee. Her diaper's soaked. "No way does she have anything left; her bladder's the size of a dust mite." Shaking her head, Jade sighed and left the room. She knows better than to argue with me when I am tired.
"You won't make a lair out of Mama, right, my sweet bean?" Summer wiggled her feet, which she had just learned to hold up.
After I took the wet diaper off and reached for a wipe, she shot poop at me like a rocket. Screaming in shock, I trip over my book bag and go down like a rock. Jade quickly scooped her up off the couch, and while she had one hand behind her head or neck and one under her buttocks, she began peeing. All we could do was laugh as I recovered, I got up to wipe the couch off, and there was now a puddle of pee in Jade's hand and dripping onto the floor. It was hilarious. In my defense, she didn't pee on the couch.
Cystic fibrosis is heavy, and until a cure is found, I can't just "put it down." This mental load can be all-consuming. The emotional weight of knowing my child may not live to see old age and will experience pain is not easy to carry. I can't take CF away, but I can ensure she gets the best medical care possible and advocate for her for as long as she allows.
I take pride in caring for my daughter's chest physiotherapy, enzymes, medications, and clinic correspondence. This also means that CF feels like my whole world right now. It has made me feel almost like an alien walking among a sea of "normal" people. Family and friends often ask how we are, how things have been, or want to connect.
Both Jade and I struggle to know how to balance our responses. Do we share every blip in the road with Summer's medical condition or just the "big" stuff? Is it more polite to sugarcoat things and not kill the mood? I still don't know the best approach.
The first few months of being a new parent are frustrating, exhausting, and blurry. It's ten times worse for parents of sick children—endless worry and anxiety. Being a teenage parent is stressful in itself.
But there are also moments of joy, wonder, and celebration.
I remember one day, we were exhausted, and our baby was screaming. I looked at my Jade with an odd expression, and she gave me a similar glance, and without words, we instantly knew what the other was saying. "My God, what have we gotten ourselves into?" and the sudden realization that there was no way out.
Summer continued crying hysterically. I was too tired to move. Jade got up and picked her up. She handed her to me and helped Summer to try to attach to my nipple. Except she wouldn't stick. She kept crying and looking at us like, "Help me, you two blubbering idiots, your my parents!"
We couldn't soothe her. Thirty minutes later, Summer still refused to attach to my nipple. Desperate, Jade tried the bottle, but nope. Summer wouldn't take that either. Seriously, this infant cried so hard that we thought she was broken. Finally, Jade told me to try to switch breasts, even though my other one was so sore that I couldn't imagine having a baby sucking on it.
Sure enough, though. Summer wanted my other nipple. Jade looked up and grinned at me. "She knows good taste when she sees it, and she's only a few months old, Cat."
"What's the difference between one breast and the other?" I remember crying and Jade grinning. "Your right one does taste fuller."
"They're the same size!"
"Nope, I've been telling you for months that the right one is bigger." It looks like our daughter agrees, Cat. Picky eater. Just like me."
"You both have issues." Jade leaned up and kissed my lips thoroughly. "Yet, you love us both endlessly."
To this day, almost a year later, she is a picky eater! Jade is correct, though. I love them both with my entire heart.