A/N: I am not sorry.
"Mailtime, mailtime, mailtime, mailtime, mailtime!"
Steve perked his head up, his previous task forgotten. This was far more important. It was mail time.
His puppy companion, Blue, was still off doing her own thing, so this would have to be a solo dance. Sprinting to the living room, Steve got ready for the mail time song and did a little dance.
"Here's the mail that never fails!
It makes me wanna wag my tail!
When it comes I wanna wail...
MAAAIIIIIIILLLLLLLLL!"
Nearly out of breath, Steve sat down on his trusty thinking chair patiently. Movement came from the window, it was Mailbox, another one of his trusted friends.
"Howdy Steve! I got one piping hot letter for you!" Exclaimed the cheery mail receptacle. "This one is apparently from a special guest far, far away!"
Steve laughs good heartedly, "That's great! Now, if you don't mind?" He asked.
Mailbox chuckled too, before opening his slot, revealing an envelope. Steve reached over and grabbed the large green envelope and held it tightly. Mailbox then left the room and returned to his station.
Before Steve could open it, he had one last thing to do. He began to sing again.
"We just got a letter
We just got a letter
We just got a letter
I wonder who it's from?"
Opening the envelope revealed a small screen. On the screen was a figure he had trouble recognizing. It appeared to be a quadruped with white fur. The only apparel it had was a green hat and thick glasses.
Then the figure spoke
"Hi Steve!" It said it a masculine voice. "I'm so happy to be here, you were a really influential part of my childhood."
"Thank you very much, we do our best here. But we've only been airing for around a year, how could have you watched our show during your childhood? You appear to be an adult." Steve asked, confused at the contradictions.
The mysterious figure spoke again, "Yeah yeah yeah don't think about it, time crap. What I'm here for is some real good stuff." He laughed a little bit before continuing, "I put a spell on the card that'll cause it to explode in about thirty or so seconds, timing it was hard."
"What?!" Steve yelled in shock. This guest can't be serious. It had to be a sad joke played by a sad adult.
"Shut it." The hatted figure snapped. "I'm doing you a favor here. You had the hottest babe in front of you the whole time and didn't do a damn thing with her. An absolute travesty. My spell will fix all that, so you're welcome."
Steve was about to lose his temper. This man had hijacked his show for this poor attempt at a joke. "This isn't funny, sir. Your inappropriate language and your childish sense of humor are not welcome on Blue's Clues. We teach our audience the importance of learning, creativity, and kindness so they don't end up like you. Goodb-"
Before Steve could finish, the man in the video went ballistic, "Shut up, shut the FUCK up! Don't talk to me about the good of humanity when you got the chick with the juiciest ass on display! I'm so fucking mad right now! Like for fucking real! Why you got all these talking animals and furniture?! There's a fucking talking bar SOAP! BUT WHY THE FUCK HASN'T THE THINKING CHAIR GOTTEN ANY LINES HUH?! You fucking hypocrites! God I want to fuck the chair sooooo bad, but no one fucking draws porn of her cause she has no role in the show! All you do is sit on her! WHY CAN'T SHE SIT ON MEEEE?! BRUH! Everytime I see that velvety cover I get rock hard! I want to stain her sexy red covers white with so many loads of my hot cum! Milk! Me! DRY! But instead of filling that beauty to the brim I have to waste my seed in a fucking sock! God, whyyyy?! I want to impregnate her so fucking much, like holy shit! If I got a hold of her I'd bury my cock so deep in her tight couch womb that not even King Arthur could pull me out! God himself can't stop me from wanting to make love to that chair! Fuck you Steve, cause you're about to get something you don't deserve! I'm doing this for the good of humanity and life itself!" He composed himself unnaturally fast, as if a switch had been flipped, "Anyways, best regards from Yamston Crowe. Buh bye."
Before Steve could say anything, as if he could after such a tantrum, the envelope exploded in a green light. His vision faded to black.
YVYVYVYVYVYVYVYVYVYVYVYVYVY
Numb, that all he could do to describe the feeling in his body, or lack thereof.
'What did I do to deserve this?' Steve thought. The recent event replayed his mind. All he wanted to do was make an educational show for the children. It always brought a warm glow to his heart knowing that because of him, kids all over the globe were learning.
But that dream is dead, his show's cancellation inevitable. Thanks to that madman he'll have to shut it all down. His entire tantrum was caught on live television. It doesn't matter that Steve had nothing to do with it, broadcasting such filth is enough to do him in. He could already hear the angry phone calls from the parents and business men.
As feeling returned to his body, he slowly opened his eyes. Everything seems to be fine. A few scorch marks sure, but the building was still standing firm. Everything except the camera… and the thinking chair!
His beloved sofa was missing. It was a gift from his father, very expensive. But that's not to say the spot was empty.
In the place of the thinking chair was a woman. She appeared unharmed, but she laid unconscious. The woman had velvety red hair. Of course the most important detail was that she was… nude.
Steve felt a warmth spread across his face, but this was no time to be gawking. He walked up to the woman and gently shook her shoulder.
"Miss, are you okay?" He asked as the woman started stirring.
She opened her own eyes and looked around in confusion, "What happened?" She asked. Then she put her hand to her temple and rubbed it, "I feel weird."
Steve rubbed the back of his neck, "I hardly understand it myself. A self proclaimed fan of my show sent in an exploding letter, then you appeared." He looked to the side and mumbled, "I really need to get my letters vetted so this doesn't happen again."
The woman looked right at him, causing Steve's heart to beat a little faster. To put it simply, she was very pretty, "Yeah, I recall something like that happening. What a sad sack that guy was." She said.
"Yeah…" Steve muttered. Needing some answers, he asked her a question, "Can you tell me who you are, miss? I'll do my best to get you back home as soon as possible."
She looked at him as if he said something stupid, "This… is my home. I live here, you should know this."
Now it was Steve's turn to be confused. Well, more than he already is, "I'm sorry, what? I don't ever remember seeing you before."
The woman did a quick lookover herself, before she laughed a little in embarrassment, "Looking at myself now, I can see why you don't know who I am." She looked right at him with a gentle smile, "Steve, it's me, Thinking Chair."
"Huh?!" Steve exclaimed. What's going on? Just what did that letter do?
His bewilderment seemed to make her laugh, "It's a mystery to me too. Whatever was in that envelope turned me into this." She then jumped to her feet. Still getting used to her body, she took a few wobbly steps around the room before doing a small twirl, "I can't say I'm disappointed. I feel so free."
Steve stood there silently as he watched the accidentally show Thinking Chair was giving him. She was making him hot all over.
After she had gotten used to her new body, she looked over to Steve with a smirk and popped her butt out a bit, "See something you like~?"
Panic had struck through Steve, he had been caught, "O-oh um, sorry for staring. I have um… never been a situation like this. I'll get you something to cover yourself with." Steve said as he mentally beat himself up for his lack of tact.
Thinking Chair walked over to him with a sway in her step, amusement clear on her face, "It's fine Steve, I don't blame you. I think it's very flattering." She leaned closer to him, causing his heart to beat faster, "You aren't so bad looking yourself."
Steve's face was burning bright, his body jittering from her words, "Well thank you, but we really should cover you up."
She placed a hand on his chest, "Lets not be so hasty. Why don't we have a little show of our own~? It's not like you can get anymore canceled as is."
He was absolutely flabbergasted. She wanted to… not here! He had to turn her down, "I only do educational shows! This isn't appropriate!"
She leaned in even closer, he could feel her breath on his skin, "Sex education is important hun, and I'm a curious girl~."
Steve backed up a little bit. He couldn't believe what was happening. Why did she want him? It had to be because of what that freak did.
He composed himself as best he could, "I'm sorry, Thinking Chair, but I can't. This can't be you. Whatever that envelope did is making you feel this way."
A downcast expression appeared on her face for a split second, but immediately after she had a determined look. She would not back down.
"Steve, I am confused about what happened as you are, but my feelings are genuine. I've only been alive for a short while… but I remember everything. I remember when you first got me. I remember every single time you sat on me to brainstorm about Blue's clues. I can't help but feel attached to you in a way that makes my newly formed heart flutter. I may not be a chair anymore, but I am a woman with feelings that I don't know what to do with. It's… I'm scared. Everything is so new. You're the only anchor I have."
She turned away, "...But I understand if this is too much to handle. I shouldn't have forced that on you. I'll get dressed." She started to walk away, dejection stamped on her face.
Steve felt conflicted. It wasn't that he was opposed to the idea at its core, Thinking Chair was a very beautiful woman, but to do so now felt like he would be taking advantage of her. He wasn't sure if her wanting of him was genuine, it was unknowable how much of it was her own and how much was the influence from the loser in the hat.
To see her so heartbroken however? That had to be real.
He reached his hand out and called out to her, "Hold on." She looked back, a glimmer of hope in her eyes. "I didn't want to hurt your feelings like that. It's just that I wanted to make sure that what you said was genuine." Here we go. Time to say it, "I would love to… you know…"
"Fuck?" She asked, her downtrodden mood already faded.
Steve stuttered a bit, he didn't expect her to phrase it like that, "Y-yeah. That."
She jumped at him for a hug, knocking him over. Both laid on the ground intertwined. On her face was the cutest smile. "Yes! Thank you Steve! I'm gonna give you a grand old time!"
Before he could collect his thoughts, she got up, "Oh? What's this, mister? Hard already?" She flicked the tent in his pants, the motion making a boing sound, "Naughty boy, getting hard for his chair."
In such a short time, Thinking Chair hard already made him weak. He was putty in her hands.
While that was going on, Sidetable Drawer had been watching silently the whole time. The recent turn of events was too much for her, "Nah, fuck dis shit! I'm out niggas!"
Sidetable Drawer then jumped out the window, never to be seen again.
Back to Thinking Chair and Steve, she had unzipped the front of his pants, revealing the monster beneath. A shocked look splattered her face, "Oh my…"
Then they had sex. It was such a beautiful scene of love and passion, that anyone that missed it would be missing out on the experience of a lifetime. Pity anyone that has such a fate.
Thinking Chair was wrapped in Steve's arms, both exhausted from the intense intercourse. They were one, and nothing could separate them.
"I love you." said Steve.
"I love you too." said Thinking Chair
Suddenly the front door opened. All of Steve's friends stood there celebrating.
There was Blue, his trusted puppy friend, she howled in joy.
The condiment couple, Mr. Salt and Mrs. Pepper, clapped the night away, "Congratulations! Looks like we won't be the only couple here after all!"
Mailbox spun the red thing like a propeller, "You were a star in there! Be on the lookout for more roles in the future, buddy!"
Shovel and Pail hooped and hollered, "What kind of fortnite dances were those Steve?!" Asked Shovel. "Yeah! I want to try that too!" Exclaimed Pail.
Sidetable Drawer was still at large.
Tickety Tock was next, "That sure took a while. Certainly way longer than my parents!"
Lastly, Slippery Soap, "Why is there cum on the ceiling?! What the fuck?!"
Steve and Thinking Chair sat there in shock, the embarrassment from being caught by all their friends kept them from responding while they clapped away.
Finally Steve mustered enough courage to respond, "Guys?! Why are you celebrating? Why did you watch?!"
Mr. Salt was the first to answer him, "We're living objects, Steve. We can't grasp the concept of nudity and sex."
"Oh." That made factual and logical sense. No need to question it further.
One last thing bothered Steve, "But guys… we don't have a show anymore. How can you be so happy? We might never see each other again."
It was Thinking Chair that answered that one, "Because, we're family. Even without a show to tie us together, our bond can never be broken. We stick together through anything." She looked over to her friends, "Right guys?"
"Bark!"
"Of course!"
"I'll always be your mail guy! Nothing can take that away!"
"Yay we're family!"
"Ha ha, you worry about the silliest things!"
"It's seeping into the walls! Oh God!"
An overwhelming feeling was flooding Steve. Never before had he felt such love and acceptance before. He was at home.
There was one last thing he needed to get off his chest, "Want to go find that Yamston guy and kick his teeth in?" he asked everyone.
They all agreed in unison.
With family, you can do anything.