Chapter 9. Treatment

Unlike the cryostasis forced on Bucky by HYDRA he found that his treatment in Wakanda allowed for his mind to remain somewhat aware but not completely alert. It was like a dream state where he relived memories of his childhood, youth and adult life before his "death." Every day there were new memories that seemed to come out of nowhere, including several sexual encounters. As they came up he wondered if his body was frozen enough to keep down his reactions to his pre-war sex life which had been active. His most emotional memories were those with Steve Rogers, starting when he was a sickly boy who was bullied mercilessly but still tried to stick up for himself. Memories of them going to the movies, or going out to Coney Island often replayed in his mind. It took some time reliving those memories before Bucky realized the Wakandans were retrieving the memories from whatever dark recesses in his mind they had hidden during the memory suppression treatments by HYDRA. It didn't bother him. In fact it brought him relief and some measure of happiness that the memories weren't completely lost. It meant his brain was healing bringing him back to feeling human again.

Before they put him under he was informed he would be awakened from cryostasis so that Princess Shuri could speak to him directly and assess his progress. The first time they awakened him was somewhat confusing when he opened his eyes, unsure of what memory this was when he realized he was actually awake and not frozen.

"Is it finished?" he asked, making eye contact with the young scientist.

"Not yet, Sergeant Barnes," she said in her pleasant voice. "This is just a little respite from the treatment, an opportunity to have a face to face conversation with you. How do you feel?"

"Hungry," he said, quickly. "May I have something to eat?"

"Certainly," she said. "You may feel a little unsteady at first when you try to walk. This is completely normal. Put this robe on, in case you feel a little cool." She handed him a robe but didn't offer help in putting it on, wanting to see how he handled it. "Follow me."

Bucky looked at the robe unsure how he was supposed to put it on. Then placing the collar in his mouth, he grasped it with his teeth as he threaded his good arm into it. Shaking the other part of the robe over his artificial shoulder cap he pulled it close with his hand then clumsily and loosely tied it. He was shaking a little from the exertion but Shuri seemed satisfied with his effort and led the way to an eating area where a table was set for both of them near another table laden with food. She offered him no assistance in filling his plate or glass, but helped herself then patiently waited while he put his plate down, spooned food onto it, then picked it up and brought it to their table. Noticeably there was nothing that needed to be cut and she made a note that the next time he ate there would only be food that had to be cut. Once he was seated she began to eat and looked at him thoughtfully.

"Is there anything you would like to ask about your treatment so far?" she asked. "You have been in a semi-aware state throughout so you should remember much of what went through your mind."

"You've been looking for my memories from before the war," he stated. "I'm glad they weren't completely destroyed. Does that mean my brain is healing? How do you do it?"

"There are many theories of where memories are stored," she replied. "For a long time scientists believed memories were stored in the synapses, which is a junction between two nerve cells in the brain. Your synapses were destroyed by the treatment HYDRA performed on you, leading them to believe they had completely destroyed who you were, making you a blank slate they could overwrite, creating new synapses with their programming. This was proved incorrect when you recognized Steve Rogers, even though it was just an echo of a memory. It was enough to make you remember again as your old synapses began rebuilding themselves."

"So where are the memories located?" he asked.

"That is still up for debate," she replied. "We believe they are stored in the neurons, or brain nerve cells themselves but access to them is controlled by the hippocampus, located deep in the brain and the neocortex in a sort of dance where they coordinate how those memories emerge. Right now we are trying to stimulate your synapses which were destroyed to rebuild themselves. This has resulted in the memories which you are apparently experiencing while in cryostasis."

He nodded, finishing the food on his plate. "Excuse me," he said, and took his plate back to the food table, adding new items to it and bringing it back.

He also poured himself a glass of water and brought the glass over. This time there were items that needed cutting and he tried using the edge of the fork on them at first. Some of the foods surrendered to the edge of the fork but the ones that didn't were not easy to cut when Bucky attempted it. Putting the fork into one of them Bucky grasped the fork with his mouth, anchoring it then used the knife to cut several pieces before transferring a piece to his mouth. Shuri smiled. Apparently he had figured it out.

"You seem to have learned how to feed yourself with one hand," she pointed out. "That's impressive."

"I have no choice," he replied. "Until I get another arm I have to adapt. What memories will you be accessing next?"

"We will be accessing your memories while you were in HYDRA's control," she admitted. "We don't do this lightly. We feel it is important for you to know exactly what was done to you. You have already indicated you remember all your kills so we won't access those until we start treating your post traumatic stress disorder, commonly called PTSD. In your day they called it shell shock or battle fatigue. Any trauma, not just war related, can cause the disorder, so the name is now more all-encompassing. When you are experiencing those memories it is important for you to remember that you are no longer in danger, that you are in control of your life. You are amongst friends, Sergeant Barnes."

He nodded then he thought of another question. "How long have I been in cryostasis so far?" he asked. "Will you be accessing the activation words during this next session?"

"Four months," replied Shuri, then she chose her next words carefully. "We already have a record of the activation words, from the HYDRA book that was confiscated from Helmut Zemo. We believe it is not enough to destroy the synapses from the neurons that hold that information. We have to render their association to the words meaningless and that is something we are still working on. I cannot say with certainty we will be accessing and excising them at this time."

"Okay, I'm full now," he said, standing up. "I assume I am going back into cryostasis after this meal. Should I go back to the chamber?"

"Not yet," said Shuri. "Come outside with me."

She led him outside into a garden. It was full of beautiful trees and plants, many in full bloom. They walked without talking for some time and Shuri occasionally stopped to breathe in the scent of a flower, encouraging Bucky to do the same. As he visibly relaxed she sat down and pulled out a tablet from a slot in the side of the bench.

"I thought you might like the opportunity to speak with Miss Williams and your son," she said. "At a later point in your treatment you will experience memories of your brief time with her. Every moment of contact with them is precious and we are certain they will be an important part of your healing process. I can set up the call then leave you with some privacy."

He nodded and watched with interest as Shuri made the connection before handing the tablet to Bucky. It was small enough for him to hold comfortably in his hand but large enough that he could see everything in detail. The Wakandans must have told Lacey they were planning this as she answered immediately and had Tommy with her. Bucky felt his throat constrict when he saw his son for the first time. Even Lacey looked wonderful and he coughed a little to loosen his throat before speaking.

"Hi," he said, then he looked away, getting his emotions in control.

"It's okay," she said sympathetically. "First time seeing this little guy is bound to make you emotional. Tommy, this is Dada. Can you wave?"

When Lacey said the word Dada, Bucky did lose it and he wept openly, putting the tablet down on the bench. He used the loose sleeve of his robe to wipe his eyes and nose before he picked up the tablet again.

"Sorry," he apologized. "I wasn't expecting that reaction. He's so beautiful. Hi Tommy, I'm your dad."

Tommy looked at Bucky and put his hand on the screen. "Dada," he said in his baby voice.

Bucky wept again but regained his composure quickly. "I'm not like this usually," he stammered. "He's just so beautiful."

"He's growing like crazy," said Lacey. "He's been walking for a while and I've caught him climbing on top of things he shouldn't."

"You think he has super soldier blood in him?" asked Bucky.

"I think so," she replied. "I wish there was a way to confirm it but he's early on a lot of things so it's likely."

"I wish I was there to see all this and be with you both," he said with a yearning. "I'm sorry I missed his first birthday."

"That couldn't be helped," answered Lacey. "I understand. It's more important for you to get better first. Having this video call helps, a lot. He has Uncle Clint and Aunty Laura here as well."

"You're staying with him?" asked Bucky. "That's good. He's a good asset, shit I hate that word. Sorry, language. We barely talked when he came to Germany to help but I was impressed with his fighting and appreciated his sacrifice so Steve and I could get away."

"He thinks you're a good fighter as well," smiled Lacey. "He's on house arrest so his wife, Laura, is keeping him very busy. The FBI agent that was on my brother's case is Clint's minder. I thought he was a jerk before but he's grown on me, in the sense that he knows you were tortured into being the Soldier. He's pissed off at the CIA for letting you hang in the wind while HYDRA tortured you."

"Every bit helps I guess," he said. "Any other news? Written any new books?"

"Haha, no," she laughed. "My second book is on its second printing though. More royalties for me. I have an idea for another book but until Tommy is a little older it will have to remain in the planning stage."

Both remained silent for several minutes having exhausted their small talk and unwilling to talk about their feelings. Then Bucky looked at her intently.

"You've barely changed," he said softly. "Your hair is still a mess but it's a good mess. You're really tanned. Does Clint live at the beach?"

"No, he's a farmer," said Lacey. "It's kind of grown on me. I might buy a farm when it's safe to do so. That's why my hair is a mess. Riding the tractor shakes it loose."

"You know I'm a city boy," he said. "Brooklyn born and raised. I'm not sure I would know what to do on a farm."

"You could learn," replied Lacey. "It's just hard work really. It's quiet and the sunsets are incredible."

"I'd be willing to give it a try," said Bucky softly. "Ease into it."

This time when they were quiet it was with a smile on their faces. Laura looked off to the side for a moment then back at the screen.

"I guess I have to go," she admitted. "Any idea when we can talk again?"

"A few months is my guess," answered Bucky. "They're starting the second phase of my treatment. I'm glad we talked. You do look beautiful and so does Tommy. Give him a kiss for me, will you? I would give you one if I was there. You know, I meant to give you a better goodbye at your place but knowing those scum were in the living room I just couldn't. I've regretted that ever since."

"I wish you had as well," she replied softly. "Take care of yourself Bucky. You mean a lot to us, both of us."

"I will," he replied just as softly. "You take care of yourself and Tommy."

The picture cut out and he whispered. "I love you." Within seconds Shuri was beside him and he handed her the tablet. "Thank you, I needed that," he said sincerely.

She nodded and escorted him back to the medical lab. After a trip to the bathroom, Bucky removed his robe and stepped back into the cryostasis chamber. He took a deep breath, closed his eyes and the chamber closed, returning him back to a frozen state. Shuri gave the order that there be no treatment that evening so that he could reminisce on the video call with his son and the boy's mother. She wanted him to have that much.

It was good that Shuri had given Bucky a heads up of the second phase of his treatment. Although he remembered every assassination kill he didn't remember much of what HYDRA did to him from the time he was found barely alive in that rocky crevasse to the last memory treatment he was forced to undergo in Washington, D.C. before HYDRA was exposed. To call it brutal would be an understatement and Bucky felt pure fury for most of it. He was never viewed as a human being. Rather he was an object, a weapon for them to control. The complete lack of empathy and decency in what they forced upon him was hard to take but he understood it was necessary for him to know.

What was worse for him was his role in many destabilizing events in world history. Assassinations and terrorist activities made up the majority of his existence as HYDRA's tool. They farmed him out to many terrorist organizations, using his abilities to enrich themselves. By the time he was awakened, Bucky felt angry but also ashamed and disheartened at how he had been used. This time, Shuri gave him his robe and helped him on with it then sat him down in an office in the medical lab.

"So much evil was done with my hands," said Bucky, frowning and looking at the floor. "So much death; more than the assassinations which I remember."

"It is true," she said. "You were their puppet and they manipulated you to do their bidding. Why do you think they wiped these memories from your mind?"

He looked at her blankly. "I don't know," he admitted. "They made sure I remembered the assassinations but I killed so many more people as a terrorist."

Shuri brought up some documents on her computer and turned them towards him. They were in Russian but said she had translated versions if he wanted to see them in English.

"I can read Russian," he replied. "What are these?"

"Decrypted HYDRA files," she said. Then she pulled some sheets of paper towards her and began to read them.

March 1, 1951. Asset has returned from mission to Korea. Severe arm damage caused by American super soldier. Asset fixated on nationality of American targets killed prior to arrival of American super soldier. Refused to take orders from handler. Refers to self as a traitor to his country. Finally restrained Asset and sedative given. Recommend full memory wipe prior to cryostasis.

April 22, 1953. Asset performed bombing of market in Pakistan as ordered. Refused to return with handler and insisted on helping search for wounded. Handler had to hit Asset with car to knock him out and bind him. Upon recovery at lab Asset resisted memory treatment. ECT was applied to render Asset more cooperative. Recommend memory wipe after every mission involving multiple casualties to lessen original protective nature of Asset.

"Shall I go on?" she asked. "You retained your protective nature. These are the two earliest instances of it but it came up repeatedly. Your true nature to protect people came up every time and they wiped your mind continually to try and remove it but it just wouldn't take. It came up every time."

"I still did it," he said dully. "It never stopped me from doing those evil things."

"No, it didn't," she said. "But you fought them every time and you wore them down as much as they wore you down. They resorted to extreme measures to make you do these things. Another one of these files tells of you being tortured prior to placing a bomb on a train in South Africa. I don't even want to read out loud what they did to you to make you compliant. It's likely why they started to put you into cryostasis between missions."

"How am I supposed to accept that I killed hundreds of people?" he asked plaintively. "The assassinations I could rationalize that in the big scheme of things it wasn't a lot of people. But these killings ..."

"You start by accepting," said Shuri softly. "More importantly you remind yourself of what you vowed since you escaped from them."

He looked at her, his face stricken, and then he nodded his head. "Never to kill again," he whispered, then he began to weep, and sob as he mourned the people whose deaths he had been responsible for. It was a bitter pill for him to swallow that there would be no redemption for these deaths, just the knowledge that terrible things had been done to him first to make him perform those evil tasks. Shuri said nothing while Bucky dealt with the revelations of his other activities. She pulled the tablet out but he looked at it and shook his head.

"No, I can't talk to them," he insisted. "Not now that I know the true extent of my activities as a killer. They deserve better than me."

"They deserve to speak with the man who cares about them," said Shuri, "and who care about him in return. The boy who has the eyes of his father, deserves to know that man now, the man who loves him even though he has only seen him on a computer screen."

Bucky drew in a strangled breath, wanting so desperately to see them again but fearful that his murderous past would be known to them.

"What if they find out about the terrorism and they reject me?" he asked. "I wouldn't blame them if they did but I can't allow myself to love them if they throw it back in my face later that I killed hundreds."

"Miss Williams already knows," said Shuri gently. "She asked for the translations we made of the decrypted files. To her they are not evidence of your crimes but proof of the crime that was perpetrated against you by HYDRA, the CIA, and any other intelligence agency that knew about you and did nothing. In her eyes that was the true crime against humanity when they failed to protect a single man."

Bucky gasped and tears formed in his eyes at the realization that Lacey knew it all and still wanted him. His whole body trembled at the thought of not just her but others who had helped him knowing the truth and still choosing to support him. It was overwhelming to him and he found it difficult to say anything.

"Let us have our meal first," suggested Shuri. "Afterwards, we can smell the flowers again and you can speak to your beloved then."

He looked Shuri in the eye at the use of the term "beloved", but it was true. He did love both Lacey and Tommy, not just in the romantic sense for Lacey, but in the sense they were both important to him. Nodding his assent the two went to the private eating area with the food laden table and Bucky ate his fill. After they went to the garden and without prompting he stopped of his own accord to smell the flowers and fill his senses with their scents. When he felt ready he told Shuri and she set up the video call. Before she connected he looked at her.

"How long since the last call?" he asked.

"Four and a half months," she replied.

The connection was made and Lacey's face appeared, a face that showed her concern when she saw his. "Hi Bucky." She greeted him gently. "How are you?"

"A little down in the dumps," he answered truthfully. "I learned the true extent of my activities and it's hard to accept."

"I wish I could be there to put my arm around you and tell you that what matters is the man you are now," she replied. "It probably seems hollow coming over a computer screen."

"Not when it's coming from you," he stated, trying to smile. "You still thinking I'm worth waiting for?"

"Oh yes," she said, her face beaming. "Definitely. Shuri told you I've been reading the decrypted files?"

"Yeah, she told me." He coughed and looked out at the garden. "Where's Tommy?"

"He's here."

The image changed to show his son running in circles on the grass with another little boy. They would run around each other then fall to the grass and giggle.

"He has a friend?" asked Bucky.

"Clint's youngest, Nathaniel," replied Lacey. "He's a few months older. They're good buddies. Tommy, come say hi to Daddy."

The little boy came up to the cell phone and Lacey changed the view again as Tommy leaned against her. He looked at Bucky then at Lacey.

"Say hi," she encouraged him gently.

"Hi, Daddy," he said then suddenly leaned forward and kissed the screen.

Bucky laughed. "Hi buddy," he replied. "You're getting to be such a big boy."

Tommy leaned into Lacey's chest and looked at Bucky from the safety of that comforting spot. "We had a late surprise Christmas gift delivered and installed on your behalf," said Lacey. "I figured Shuri sent it while you were in cryostasis."

"What was it?" Bucky asked as Shuri never mentioned it.

"An outdoor play set," said Lacey, changing the view again to show a play set with slides, swings and ladders. "He loves it. It was a thoughtful gift."

"I'll make sure to thank her," said Bucky. "Lacey, how do you feel about me?"

His question rattled her and she didn't answer for a moment. "What do you mean?" she countered with a question.

"I think it's a pretty straightforward question," he replied. "Do you love me?"

"We hardly know each other," she said in almost a whisper.

"Do you love me?" he asked again, his eyes intense. "Yes or no."

"Bucky ...," she looked scared. "You're asking ..."

"I'm asking if you love me," he said, softer now. "I know we only had a night together but I never stopped thinking about you. Every time I've seen you on this tablet I've felt better seeing your face and I long for the day when I can hold you again. So, if you want to know how I feel before you answer me ... I think I love you."

Her face betrayed her before her words came out. He read relief, gladness, and acceptance all in the few seconds before she spoke. "I never stopped thinking of you either," she admitted. "I do love you. It goes against everything I thought how love happens but I do. I think of us together, raising Tommy, having other kids. It's all so wishful but then I ask myself what's wrong with that. What's wrong with loving someone who made such an impact on me in such a short time? The answer is nothing is wrong with that. I'm yours, Bucky."

"I'm yours also," he replied. "No matter what, I'm coming back to you and Tommy, even if it takes years and I lose hope sometimes. Someday, I will show up on your doorstep and I will be home for good, because home is where you and Tommy are. Don't ever forget that."

"I won't," she said. "I love you Bucky, fully and completely."

Her face was alight now and he realized she had kept her love hidden before, fearful that he didn't feel the same.

"I love you, Lacey," he replied. "Just as fully and completely."

This time Lacey kissed her fingertips and blew him a kiss. He caught it and pressed his fingers to his lips. Then he disconnected and sat back, feeling hopeful. Shuri approached and he looked gratefully at her.

"Thank you for sending the play set for Christmas," he said.

She looked confused. "I don't know what you're talking about," she said. "We sent some toys but not a play set."

"Lacey said ...," said Bucky, then corrected himself. "Someone sent a play set but didn't acknowledge it was them. Who would do that?"

"Who indeed?" replied Shuri. "Are you ready to return to cryostasis? We believe we have the procedure set that will remove the influence of the words from your mind. It's going to take some time and we will have to test you when you are conscious to confirm it worked but we will worry about that when we have completed the procedure."

"I'm ready," said Bucky. "Let's get this done."

He handed her the tablet and followed her back to the lab, stopping at the bathroom first. Shrugging off his robe he stepped into the chamber and smiled at Shuri before closing his eyes and waiting for the chamber to close. His faith in her was absolute and he knew that when he came out next time he would be a changed man.