Chapter 11. Longing
The air was warm as he took in his first breath then Bucky opened his eyes. Unlike his other awakenings there were no memories that he could recall. It was just a transition between not aware and aware. As his eyes focussed he saw Shuri standing in front of him, along with several other people, one of whom was T'Challa. They were all smiling kindly at him and he raised himself away from the upright bed of the cryostasis chamber.
"Sergeant Barnes," said T'Challa. "How do you feel?"
Bucky flashed a smile to Shuri, as if his answer was a private joke between them. "Hungry, always hungry," he said. "But I feel good other than I have no memories from this cryostasis session." He nodded at the others. "This looks like a welcome party. I take it the treatment was successful?"
"We believe so," replied Shuri. "There is a test we will run while you are conscious but there is no rush to perform it. First you may wish to have a shower and change into something that isn't pyjamas. Then we will eat."
An attendant stepped forward and motioned for Bucky to follow him, to a shower room where he was asked if he needed help disrobing. Bucky declined his assistance and was left alone. With his one arm he pulled the undershirt off, then the bottoms and turned on the shower to a comfortably warm setting. For the longest time he stood under the warm water enjoying the sensation of it running down his body. Then he looked at the assortment of soaps and shampoos on the small alcove inside the shower stall. Picking out a shampoo he flipped open the top with his right hand, smelled it and poured some on his head. It foamed up beautifully even with only one hand to work it through. After rinsing and throwing his hand through his hair again to get it out of his face he grabbed a bar of soap and ran it over his body. Like the shampoo it foamed up well. When he felt clean he rinsed everything off and turned off the shower. Several large towels were on hooks just outside the shower and they absorbed the water as soon as they made contact with his skin. As best he could he used a towel to dry his hair.
Hanging the towels back on the hooks he stepped towards the vanity and looked in the mirror. Smirking at the wild man whose image looked back at him he grabbed a comb and ran it through his long locks, noticing they didn't get tangled. He would get a haircut sometime and shave that beard but it wasn't a priority just yet. A pair of briefs and an undershirt were folded neatly on the counter and he put them on. On a hook was another garment; black in colour, it was made of a fabric he wasn't familiar with but he put the trousers on and they readjusted to fit his body. He looked down, noticing they were a bit snug in the crotch, at least to his eye. Then he pulled the top on and saw it was a long sleeved tunic which was long enough to cover his crotch. Not that he was a modest man anymore, after years of being poked and prodded, but the trousers had shown more than he was used to showing. He noticed the left arm of the tunic was pinned so it was out of the way. A pair of sandals on the floor fit him perfectly and he opened the door to see the attendant waiting for him. He was escorted to a dining room where Shuri, T'Challa and several other people waited for him.
"The clothes fit you well?" asked T'Challa.
"Yes, thank you," replied Bucky. "They're comfortable."
"Good," replied the young prince. "James Barnes, may I present the Queen Mother Ramonda. She had a hand in planning your treatments although my sister Shuri did all the hard work."
"Just Bucky, please," he replied, bowing his head respectfully to the Queen.
His attention was taken by the presence of several women with shaved heads, all dressed alike in what looked like a ceremonial uniform. T'Challa noticed Bucky's glance and he brought him over to two of the women.
"These women are our personal bodyguards," he said. "They are called the Dora Milaje and their fighting skills are a match for any super soldier, yourself and myself included. Their General is Okoye, a most formidable warrior. Her Chief is Ayo, also a warrior of some renown. Ayo will test the success of our treatment in removing the activation words from your mind but there is no rush to do it. There has been a request for you to spar with the guard as they have studied videos of your fighting styles over the past year and believe you have techniques worthy to share."
Bucky bowed his head to them but wasn't sure he wanted to fight women. It went against everything he was raised with. Still, these were different times. The thought crossed his mind they may want to study his moves in case the treatment wasn't successful, at which point they would need to neutralize him if the Soldier reappeared. T'Challa led him to a table where, like before with Shuri, they could help themselves to whatever food they wished. He loaded up his plate, put it onto where he planned to sit, and went back for water. When he returned to the table he noticed T'Challa standing there eyeing the place Bucky chose to sit, his back to a corner, with the windows and entrances fully in his line of sight.
"You are in no danger here Sergeant Barnes," said T'Challa with a hint of amusement in his voice. "You may trust the Dora Milaje to keep you safe while you eat."
"Old habits die hard, Your Majesty," replied Bucky, noticing some glances between the Dora Milaje when he used the term. "Until I see them in action I prefer to keep myself safe."
T'Challa smiled and started eating. "Tell me about your life before World War II," he stated. "Where you are from, your family, your interests."
"There is still much I need to sort out," replied Bucky. "I was born in 1917, grew up in Brooklyn, where I met Steve. He was such a sickly kid and needed someone to watch out for him. I didn't like bullies so we became friends when I confronted some bullies who were bothering him. We did everything together; sneaking into the movies, going to Dodgers games, odd jobs, going to Coney Island."
"Your family?" asked T'Challa.
"Yeah, I had parents and a sister," said Bucky, his voice trembling slightly. "I'm glad they never knew what became of me."
He stopped eating for a moment, and looked away, swallowing down his grief.
"I'm sorry," said T'Challa. "Shuri tells me you have a son and his mother who waits for you."
"I didn't know about him until we were on our way to Siberia," replied Bucky. "Steve knew because Lacey asked him for help to protect Tommy, that's his name. I wanted to go back and make it right with her but then ..."
"Siberia happened," stated T'Challa. "You're an honourable man and I'm sure as soon as Shuri is satisfied she will release you to reunite with your family."
Bucky smiled slightly and kept eating, his thoughts on Lacey and Tommy now. "Will I be able to talk with them?" he asked Shuri. "I've missed two birthdays now by my reckoning."
"Of course," she assured him. "We did send him something, a tricycle, on your behalf. We found out who sent the play set but I think that is something Miss Williams wishes to share with you."
"Thank you, I appreciate that," replied Bucky gratefully.
"Tell me, Sergeant Barnes," said Shuri carefully. "Do you have any objection to living in one of our villages for a time? We still have much work to do on the prosthetic arm but need you nearby for adjustments and testing."
"How long is a time?" he queried.
"Hard to say," replied the Princess. "It could be several months. The sparring sessions could be set up during that time so you are not bored. Plus the chief of the village we are placing you in may ask for help with some things."
He gazed at Shuri for some time. "You want to observe me in a natural setting," he stated. "Perhaps to get me used to living with one arm in case the prosthetic doesn't work or if I reject it. The sparring is so that the Dora Milaje learn my fighting style. That way, when the test on the activation words is being performed they know how to neutralize me if the treatment doesn't work."
T'Challa looked appraisingly at Bucky then at his sister. "I told you that you should just tell him outright," he declared. "He's a smart man and has already been through much subterfuge. You may be a genius Shuri but you still have much to learn about people."
"I'm sorry Sergeant Barnes," said Shuri quickly. "I never meant to hide my process from you. It was a clumsy attempt at keeping you from feeling like a ... a..."
"Science experiment?" offered Bucky. "Most of my life I have been the experiment of several mad scientists. You are not mad but from now on I want full disclosure."
His voice indicated it wasn't a request or debatable. Shuri nodded, her manner indicating slight embarrassment. "Of course," she agreed. "The stay in the village is so that you become used to looking after yourself again. It is a working village so the chief may assign tasks to you such as farming, animal care, anything that you can contribute to the betterment of the village. The sparring is so the Dora Milaje can assess your fighting capabilities. I know as a man of the 1940s you may feel hesitant about fighting these women warriors. Don't be hesitant and don't hold back. My brother spars with them often and they can hold their own. My statement about the arm was true. It is a prototype and we are trying to restore as much normal function to you as we can while making the feel of it more natural. The shoulder prosthetic is also being built and that will require surgery to remove the last of the HYDRA components, plus some time for you to heal."
Bucky studied her face for a few moments and was satisfied she had told him everything. He turned back to his plate, finishing everything then stood up.
"I would like to call Lacey now," he declared.
T'Challa summoned a servant. "Show Sergeant Barnes to his quarters," he said. "My sister will bring the tablet to you. Sister, is there anything else that Sergeant Barnes needs?"
"Yes, his kimoyo bead bracelet," she replied. "I will bring it when I bring the tablet. I will be there shortly."
Bucky was escorted to a suite, comprised of an outer sitting room which led to a bedroom and full bathroom. He opened the closet to find an assortment of clothing for him to wear. He sat on the bed, expecting it to be soft but it was very firm and he smirked at whether it would be firm enough for him to sleep. Within a couple of minutes the door chimed.
"Come in," he said.
Shuri walked in with the tablet and a small container. He had a glimpse of Ayo outside the door and he looked at Shuri questioningly.
"I'm sorry, Ayo insisted," she said apologetically. "She will stay outside in the hallway."
"So the Dora Milaje still don't trust that I won't turn into the Winter Soldier," stated Bucky. "They weren't around when you awakened me during the treatment sessions."
"They are soldiers and security," replied Shuri. "They remain on alert at all times. When you were coming out of the other treatments they were seconds away and I had the means to stop you in your tracks. Ayo's presence outside now is not personally directed at you. If you were a dignitary from another country she would be there on guard."
He wasn't quite sure he believed her but it was her country and her palace. At some point he had to allow that he still had a ways to go to gain their trust. Shuri held up the small container and took a beaded bracelet out of it, offering it to him.
"These are kimoyo beads," she said, holding up her own wrist showing her set. "One bead contains all of your medical information so that it is readily accessible no matter where you are in the kingdom. The other beads have other functions including communications, tracking – which we all have – information retrieval and, in the case of my brother, the ability to pilot an aircraft. Your set will include your medical records, entry into various parts of the palace, maps of the palace and the city, and your tracking. Everyone in the palace wears one of these bracelets."
Bucky looked at it impassively then nodded his assent to wear it and Shuri placed it on his wrist, showing him how to activate the various features. Then she lifted the tablet up.
"This will stay here with you," she said. "I believe you observed me enough times to know how to call Miss Williams. If you wish access to the tablet to be personalized to just you I can show you how to set that up."
She placed it in his hand and turned to leave. "Princess Shuri," said Bucky, before she reached the door. "Thank you ... for all of it."
Bowing her head slightly she left his quarters and Bucky found himself truly alone for the first time since Romania. Sitting on the couch he opened the tablet and pressed on the video call icon. It kept a record of previous calls and he touched the last one he made with Lacey. After several rings she answered and her face broke into a huge smile.
"This is a surprise," she said. "Shuri usually emails me when you're going to call."
"I'm out of cryostasis now," replied Bucky. "I have my own quarters and freedom to call you when I want. I guess I have to remember about the time change. Is it a good time to talk?"
"Always," replied Lacey. "Let me get Tommy."
He watched as her cell phone showed an image of the ceiling as she walked to another room. Tommy must have been playing because he could hear another child's voice. Then they were back in Lacey's room and he saw Tommy, now 2 years and a couple of months old.
"Hi Tommy," he said softly. "I know it's been a long time since you last saw me on the phone. You know I would be there if I could, right?"
"Is that Daddy?" Tommy whispered to Lacey.
"That's Daddy," replied Lacey. "He's in another country, trying to get better so that someday he can be with us. You can say hi to him."
"Hi Daddy," said Tommy shyly.
Bucky felt the burn of tears forming in his eyes and blinked his eyes rapidly trying to disperse them. "How are you?" he asked. "Are you being a good boy for Mommy?"
"Yes," replied the little boy. "We live on the farm."
"I know," said Bucky. "Someday, maybe, we'll have our own farm. Did you like the tricycle I sent?"
"I go fast on it," said Tommy, excitedly. "I scared the chickens."
"That must be very fast," said Bucky. "I'll bet you're strong as well."
Tommy made muscles with his arms, making both Lacey and Bucky laugh. "Can I go play with Nate?" he asked.
"Sure, baby," said Lacey. "Say goodbye to your Daddy."
"Bye Daddy, luv you," he said unprompted.
"I love you too, little man," replied Bucky, trying not to cry.
Tommy climbed off of his mother's lap and she watched as he left the room then she looked at Bucky. "You okay?" she asked. "Two year olds aren't known for a long attention span."
"I'm missing out on so much," responded Bucky. "It's frustrating that I have to be here and you have to be there. How have you been?"
"My mother died," said Lacey. "I went to the funeral with the help of Nick Fury. He provided a safe house and security. Someone tried to take a picture of us and two cars followed us but we got away from them. The photographer was hired by the CIA, they think. We have no idea who was in the cars. At least I reconciled with my brother and sister."
Bucky frowned. "Do they think the CIA knows about Tommy?" he asked. "Maybe they've been looking for you since they kept all of my books."
"I don't know," admitted Lacey. "I'm still on Clint's farm and I feel safe here so I'm going to leave figuring out the CIA to Fury and his people."
"Shuri said the mystery of the play set was solved but that you wanted to tell me," he said.
She smirked. "Yeah, it was Tony Stark," she replied. "He actually came here and played with Tommy and Nathaniel. He was assessing Tommy and is pretty sure he's inherited your physical abilities."
"Stark bought my son a play set?" asked Bucky, not quite believing it. "Why would he do that?"
"I think he feels a bit guilty about you," she responded. "He said his father talked about you and that if he had known that HYDRA had you he would have likely launched a rescue of you himself. Apparently his dad admired your scientific mind even though you competed for the same women. Tony's not ready to forgive yet but he has read the HYDRA files on what was done to you. He admitted that you were not the one in control. He understands that you had no choice but to obey."
"I never knew his father thought that of me," said Bucky. "Howard Stark and I spoke a few times, and I asked him questions but he always seemed like he was doing me a favour answering."
"One more thing," said Lacey. "I think Tony is paying for your lawyer."
Bucky sat back, affected by the revelation. "Wow," he replied. "He is an enigma, isn't he?"
"What about you Bucky?" asked Lacey. "What comes next?"
"They finished the treatment to get rid of the activation words but still have to test it," he responded. "But before they do I have to spar with some elite warriors, women actually, so they can learn my fighting abilities. That way, if the treatment doesn't work they can neutralize me. Then they want me to live in a village for a number of months, learning how to take care of myself with one arm. They're still working on the prosthetic arm. I'll have to have more surgery on my shoulder as well, to remove the final bit of HYDRA components and prepare for the new shoulder attachment."
"So, it's going to be a while," noted Lacey in a disappointed voice.
"I still feel the same about you," said Bucky, quickly. "I wish I could put my good arm around you right now and hold you close."
She smiled wanly. "I still feel the same about you," she replied then she blushed a little bit. "Have their treatments changed anything else about you?"
"You mean...?" He watched with amusement as she reddened even more. "No, that's still the same. Everything still works although I guess I'll be using this for a while longer. I'll think of you while I am." He held up his flesh hand and they both laughed before Bucky turned serious again. "When Steve first told me about you being pregnant I didn't believe it at first. Then he showed me pictures of you and Tommy and I saw the resemblance. Even if he wasn't mine, when I saw you holding a baby I wanted it to be mine. I wanted you to be mine. I know it's hard waiting but I have to believe that we have something worth waiting for. I long for you, Lacey."
"As long as it takes, Bucky," she replied emotionally. "I don't want anyone else. I just want you. You do what you must to get completely better. That lawyer of yours is still working on a pardon for you. When he gets that you can come home to me and Tommy. We'll be a family."
"Okay, that's our plan," he said softly. "I'll let you go now and I'll call you soon. I love you."
"I love you, too," she said through some tears. "Talk to you soon."
The connection was broken and he put the tablet aside, briefly thinking what a marvellous piece of technology it was. Touching his nose to the bead that he hoped was the palace map he asked to be guided so he could explore the palace. The door to his room appeared in a display that made him marvel again and he went to his door, opening it. Following the path set out by the display he walked through the palace looking at the different art works in the palace. He passed the dining area where he ate after coming out of cryostasis, then found a gym, a library, and a doorway to the outside. It was the garden where Shuri took him the first time he was awakened during his treatment. He walked through it slowly, stopping to smell the different blossoms on the various plants. Finding a bench in the sun he sat and closed his eyes, feeling the heat of it soak into his body. Other than the sounds of birds chirping it was quite peaceful.
"May I?" said a man's voice and he opened his eyes to T'Challa standing in front of him.
Sliding over Bucky made room for him on the bench. "You are King now?" asked Bucky, remembering the glances in the dining room.
"I am King," replied T'Challa. "There was a challenger to my rule and he defeated me in ritual combat, throwing the kingdom into turmoil. You were never in danger during that time. We relocated your chamber to a safe place when he first made himself known so he wouldn't find you."
Bucky looked questioningly at T'Challa. "If he had found me what would have happened to me?" he asked.
"Likely he would have activated the Winter Soldier to help reinforce his rule," replied the young king. "He had been a Navy Seal, had CIA connections, and probably knew about you. His heart was as dark as his soul. I was fortunate to survive his challenge although I was in a coma for some time. My mother and several others escaped his control and were able to help revive me. Then I challenged him and this time I defeated him. It came at great cost, however, as I found some trusted friends were no friends in reality."
"Did he have a legitimate claim?" asked Bucky.
"Yes," admitted T'Challa. "He had every right to challenge me. He was my cousin; Erik Stevens was his American name. He was orphaned after my father killed my uncle, who was Erik's father, in self-defence. His motive was revenge, and a misguided plan to fight against those he perceived as enemies. If I hadn't survived to challenge him again he would have been the worst thing that could have happened to the world. His plan was to use our technology to create new weapons and attack those who he felt oppressed people of African descent. I could not let him declare war on the world."
"I'm glad you hid me during that time," said Bucky, carefully. "I certainly don't want to be used to keep anyone in power. Shuri, sorry, Princess Shuri awakened memories of some of the actions I took that weren't assassinations. They used me to spread chaos throughout the world, building a case for an authoritative ruler to take control. It sickened me to think of the body count my activities were responsible for."
"That is why I offered to give you sanctuary," responded T'Challa. "Once we spoke in Siberia after you were in control of your faculties I could see you were a reasonable man, with a strong moral code. That HYDRA could bypass that meant that you could never be truly free until the activation words were disabled."
Bucky looked at the man sitting next to him and saw how he carried the burden of responsibility. Their first meeting when T'Challa attacked him on the roof of the building in Bucharest was powered by grief and a desire for revenge. Now, this conversation seemed powered by a need for reconciliation and understanding.
"Thank you," said Bucky simply. "When I first escaped from HYDRA my goal was to get away from them at all costs, short of killing someone. I was done with that. I met Lacey and for a few hours I thought I could have a future with her but by morning when Russian gangsters came to her house I knew it was likely impossible. HYDRA or the CIA would always be on my tail and it wasn't fair to drag her into that. Even if they weren't, what kind of life could I have with that monstrosity of an arm? It was so integrated into my body that I didn't think anyone would be able to remove it without leaving me an invalid. Now I am on the cusp of a new life, thanks to you."
"You're welcome," replied T'Challa. "I only ask that if my country finds itself in similar difficulty again that you help us, but freely of your own will. I will only ask if I have no choice."
Bucky considered the King's words then extended his hand, which T'Challa shook. If he was needed he would help these people who had already helped him so much. It was the least he could do.