Bloody Hands

by Valor Above All

A man dies haunted by his past. He had so many opportunities to do good, yet chose wrong whenever it mattered. Suddenly, he finds himself reborn as a baby in a new world. Unsure whether he can do what is right or if his hands are too stained with blood. Will he be drowned in despair and waste his second chance, or will he realize that bloody hands can still do what is right?

2. Chapter 1

K409 - Fall

Tonight was the night of my second birthday, so I sat awake thinking about my new life up to this point. I couldn't believe how fast the time had passed already. I had spent most of my time becoming more acquainted with this world.

One of the first things I learned was my name; I was one Rudeus Greyrat, son of Paul and Zenith Greyrat, and along with our maid Lilia, we lived in a small house out in the countryside nearby the village of Buena.

My parents were adventurers until Zenith got pregnant with me. After that, they decided to get married and start a family together, settling down and, shortly after, hiring Lilia to be our maid.

As for my thoughts on the people I lived with, I didn't like my parents much; Zenith wasn't a bad person, but I didn't need another mother, and Paul was not exactly father material. I was initially unsure about Lilia, but she seems normal, if a little reserved. Because of this, I usually spent my time around Lilia and avoided my parents unless it was necessary to gain more knowledge about the world.

One interesting thing I learned when I turned one was that they only celebrate birthdays every five years here. From what I could gather, they represented moving from one stage of growth to another. Your fifth birthday signified that you were a child, your tenth an adolescent, and on your fifteenth birthday, you were recognized as an adult.

I would be lying if I said I wasn't counting the days until I was fifteen. I disliked being a child immensely. My first few months here were the most difficult by far. I couldn't crawl until I was serval weeks old because Zenith wouldn't let me out of her grip unless I was in my crib. I also had to nurse from her chest for all my meals, which was fine if you were a child but was awkward if you were a man reborn in a kid's body. The same awkwardness applied to having to be changed; it was uncomfortable having to shit in my pants when I needed to go.

It took substantially longer than it should have to relearn how to walk and eat. Seven months before, my legs were strong enough to walk, and much to my chagrin, another three to escape from having to nurse from Zenith's chest. The main reason this took so long was because Zenith was extremely overbearing, which began to infuriate me more and more over time. I knew she was trying to be a good mother, but I still hadn't overcome my disdain. She eventually stopped, but even now, I keep my distance from her, not wanting to be treated like an invalid any more.

When I started walking and eventually eating, my parents marveled at my progress, expecting it would take me at least another three months. They knew it wasn't normal to walk that early, but they didn't think it was outside the realm of possible. So they celebrated my achievement. Lilia, on the other hand, knew that, while possible, it was highly unlikely unless a child was taught to walk constantly, and since that was not the case with me, my achievement only seemed to unnerve her.

I wasn't surprised by this; I knew I might bring attention to myself if I progressed quickly, but in this case, I didn't care as long as I wouldn't be drowned for being too unnatural.

As far as learning the language went: I had gotten much of the basics from listening to my parents or Lilia when they spoke. But my learning had slowed after a while since there was only so much I could listen to. So, I started trying to find more ways to get them to speak; sometimes, that involved doing things I shouldn't for them to reprimand me. Other times it was by going with Zenith while she was doing errands and listening to her interactions.

Over the last year, I have been trying to rekindle my relationship with Lilia. A few months ago, I was in the kitchen while she made breakfast and tugged on her dress to get her attention.

She turned to me, and when she saw me, she stood there, lost in her thoughts, so I gave another tug to get her attention again before I pointed at the counter, putting my arms out in front of me, indicating I wanted her to sit me up next to where she was working.

To my surprise, after a few seconds of thinking, she smiled and obliged my request, and so I spent the morning watching her cook while I kicked my legs back and forth. I can't lie; it was nice to sit here again for the first time in a while.

Before I scared Lilia with my unnatural growth, when Zenith had to leave me at the house, she would sit me here while she prepared lunch.

Whenever she finished preparing everything for the meal and put it over the fire, she would move me to the table and sit down in one of the chairs in front of me. The first few times, she would sit and think silently until one day, she started talking suddenly. I was confused at first, which quickly turned into curiosity. I didn't expect this, but it was nevertheless well received. It helped with learning the language and gave me more information about Lilia.

Even though I couldn't understand everything, apparently, Lilia was a royal maid a few years ago until she got injured. Because of her injury, they fired her, which left her looking for work. She eventually found her way to Buena and became our maid. From what I could tell, she knew Paul from their school days, and he did something that hurt her. She would look at me sometimes, noting the resemblance to my father, and she would ruffle my hair and tell me not to grow up like him.

Overall, I could understand why she started talking after thinking about it. When you don't interact with anyone else, talking to someone who can't understand you would be the second-best thing. I probably would have done the same in her situation.

After all, I may find myself in the same position one day since I knew it would be a long time before I could talk to people about my past, if ever. I couldn't exactly broach those topics without explaining that I was reincarnated since all my problems related to my past life. Until I was older and far away from anyone I knew, talking about me was off the table unless something changed in the meantime.

For this reason, I decided a month into my new life to pretend to be mute for the foreseeable future.

As far as I was concerned, talking had no discernable advantage for my foreseeable future. Whereas if I spoke anytime soon, it could only cause many problems. If I remained silent, the worse consequence would be my parents' thinking that I am stupid, which could become a perk if I played my cards right. Whereas if I spoke, I would either have to pretend to be a moron for the next several years or come up with some stupid explanation as to why I could talk so well. I didn't want to do either of those, so I chose the hidden third option; silence. There was a proverb about this in my past life, 'Whoever guards his mouth and tongue keeps his soul from troubles.'

I sighed a few moments after reflecting on my new life. I was having a hard time sleeping tonight; this wasn't an uncommon occurrence. It seems like all my sins followed me to this new world. Even in this new body, my soul remained tainted with blood. I often wake up from nightmares and spend the night scrubbing my hands in the bathroom before returning to bed. I was glad no one had caught me yet; it would be hard to explain myself.

"I can't believe it has been two years since I was reborn," I whisper as laid on my bed, looking at the ceiling.

Suddenly, I was reminded of a family I had killed a few years before being discharged from the military. They were suspected of housing local insurrectionists, but in the end, we never found evidence to support that claim.

'The boy was just slightly older than I am now.' I think feeling sick to my stomach.

'Do you even have the right to feel bad? You are a monster, after all.' I hear one of the voices in my head tell me.

I tear up, 'What would Lilia think?' While I didn't interact much with my parents, I had found a kindred spirit with Lilia over the last year, even if she was hesitant to interact with me for a lot of it. I always enjoyed the moments we had together sitting in silence, but afterward, when I would think about our interactions, I felt as if they were leading up to her realizing that I was a monster, as if I was only being lifted up in order to be dropped.

'Why are you so sad? Wouldn't that be a fitting for you? It is simply the punishment you deserve; you don't deserve to live happily after what you've done.' The voice says again.

I lay there silently, crying from the overwhelming despair, until I passed out from exhaustion.

K409 - Summer

(Lilia's POV)

I stand in the kitchen, preparing lunch, cutting vegetables. Suddenly, I feel a tug on my dress; I look down and see Rudeus looking up at me.

It had almost been two years since Rudeus was born. Everything had gone fine during the delivery. However, as he sat in my arms, he didn't cry; he just laid there in my arms silently. I sat there frozen, 'If he is stillborn, I will have to move again. Where will I find work?' I think before finally handing him to Zenith. She held him with a look of concern until, eventually, after looking around for a moment, he cried. He made one single cry, and after that, he only cried when he needed to be changed.

After a couple of months, Zenith would leave him with me when she had to run somewhere during bad weather or when she went to work in the village as a healer. I would sit him on the counter next to me while I prepared lunch, and he would watch me curiously. He was a cute child, even if he was a bit weird.

Sometimes, I would have time to sit down while waiting for the food to cook, and I would sit him on the table and watch him while thinking, and he would look back at me curiously, tilting his head.

I didn't have a life outside of the house. So, I was lonely most of the time, and as much as I wished I could, I couldn't talk to Zenith or Paul as friends. Zenith was nice, but her husband caused many of the things I needed to talk about, and Paul was Paul, so he was out of the question.

So, one day when I was watching Rudeus, which became a common occurrence when the summer came around since Zenith was busier, we sat there quietly until I suddenly decided to start talking to him.

He sat there looking at me curiously as I recounted my life leading up to this point and how I felt about it. Maybe I was crazy, but it was freeing to open up to someone even if they couldn't understand me.

Actually, on that point, I was unsure if that was true anymore. When I talked to him, he always looked at me with the same curiosity. At first, I thought it was because he was confused by my talking. But after how quickly he learned to walk and eat, I couldn't shake the feeling that it was because he understood what I said. After that thought, I stopped talking with him and tried to avoid him as much as possible.

I had succeeded at avoiding him for several months, but after that, as if he realized I was avoiding him, he started to follow me around when I did my housework, watching me curiously. Because of this, I felt conflicted; on the one hand, the speed at which he progressed and how he acted when being touched by Zenith and Paul was unnatural. But on the other, he was such an innocent-looking child.

I feel another tug on my dress, 'Oh, I must have been lost in my thoughts,' I look down at him as he points and the counter and stretches his arms out in front of himself with hope in his eyes. I sighed; 'He must want to sit on the counter and watch me like he used to.'

'Maybe he is just an odd child,' After that thought, I smile and pick him up to sit him on the counter next to where I am working.

He sat quietly, watching me while swinging his tiny legs back and forth. 'That's right, an odd child, but a child nonetheless.'

K410 Spring

(Zenith's POV)

'My cute baby Rudeus is growing up so fast!' I think to myself while walking home for the day. It has been almost three years since Paul and I retired from adventuring to start a family.

I didn't know what to expect when raising a child, but it was nothing like the village women told me it would be. Rudeus was such a peculiar child; he still hadn't spoken a word, but I heard from the other women in the village that, usually, babies should have started to at least babble at this point.

On the other hand, he had become the talk of the town with how early he walked. I had taken him with me to the village a week after he started to walk, and the village women were amazed at how well he could walk. 'Maybe he is just better at some things than others.' I tell myself.

Then I frown; Rudeus had only become more distant from Paul and I ever since he was young. It was as if he didn't want us to touch him or to be around us. The only person he likes is Lilia; he sits quietly and watches her do the most tedious tasks all day without making a noise.

'Why does he like Lilia more than me? Did I do something wrong?' I think, feeling jealous of how he interacts with Lilia; he would smile at her and tug on her dress to ask her to pick him up. 'The only thing he has ever done with me is go to the village, and he hasn't done that in months.' Nowadays, I would come home and see him sitting on the counter with a smile on his face, watching her intently as she explained what she was doing.

I wasn't sad at how close he was with Lilia; Paul and I considered her family, after all. But seeing my son more comfortable with Lilia than with me still hurt. 'Did I fail at being a mother already?'

Rudeus had always been averse to being held, and a few months after he was born, I noticed that it only got worse, so I stopped holding him longer than I had to. 'I was a bit overbearing when he was younger. Maybe that is why he doesn't like me to touch him anymore.' I think solemnly to myself.

As I get home, I hear Lilia talking in the kitchen; and I smile, though I am sure it doesn't quite reach my eyes, 'At least Lilia has someone she can interact with in Rudeus.' I tell myself.

She had looked much happier over the last few months after she and Rudeus started to interact more. I would leave him here with her when I went to work.

I knew Lilia didn't have much of a life outside of being our maid, so I was glad to see her looking happier; she had always been so melancholy since we hired her, and she never really opened up to Paul or I.

I sigh; I just want my family to be happy. So, in the end, I let it be even if it hurt.

K410 - Summer

I was approaching my fourth birthday, and as far as I was concerned, it had been a reasonably successful couple of years.

I smiled; Lilia recently started to talk to me about her life, though with certain parts censored. It was nice to know that she trusted me enough with her life story. When my life span was measured in months, she didn't think I understood her, but now she knew I could.

I had also kept up my charade as a mute faithfully over the last two years, so much so that my parents had Lilia teach me how to write so that I could communicate with them. As far as I could see, this was a win-win scenario, I got more time with Lilia, and I got to learn to read and write.

So for most of year three, Lilia would teach me reading and writing after breakfast in the morning and after lunch in the afternoon. After our first lesson, she stood up about to start her housework, and I quickly stood up, ran over to her, and hugged her. I didn't like acting like a kid, but this was my way of saying 'thank you' while keeping up my silence. I didn't know her reaction since I was too embarrassed to look up at her, but then I felt her hand rub my head, and she said, "You're welcome, Master Rudeus."

I also discovered that magic existed in this new world. I found out while looking through the house a few months ago.

Flashback Start

'Finally, today is the day!' I thought to myself as I stood in front of a large chest that was in the study. I had discovered it in my first couple of years, but until recently, I didn't want my parents to childproof the house if I messed up. I was confident I could open and close it without making any loud noises now.

I cautiously open it, guiding the door to sit on the back rather than dropping it. After opening it, I look inside and see books as expected. 'Time to see what these are about.'

Some people might be disappointed in finding books, but books mean knowledge, and I could always use more knowledge. I climbed into the chest and carefully lifted the book out, leaning it against the chest before climbing out and opening it up.

'Okay, so a history book is not really what I am looking for, but if there isn't anything better here, I might settle for it.' I carefully sit the book back in the chest before checking the rest.

'A history book, a book about botany, a book on swordsmanship.' I think as I put another book back in the chest.

I quickly lift the final book out. 'One more left; let us see what secrets you contain.'

After I open the book, I start reading before my eyes widen, 'So magic does exist!' I think excitedly.

Flashback End

After that, I shut the chest quietly, carried the book to my room, and hid it under my bed. I would read a few pages every night before bed, reflect on them during the morning, and practice during the day when I was alone.

K411 - Winter

It had been a few months since my fourth birthday had come and gone, and I kept diligently practicing my magic.

Right now, I am helping Lilia scrub the floors while thinking about magic theory. A couple of months ago, I decided to stop watching Lilia work and start helping her instead.

Flashback Begin

I sat watching Lilia scrub the floor. She was getting over a cold and looked tired, having the same look as people who had been overworked in Tokyo. Suddenly, I decided to help her since if I didn't; she would probably collapse from exhaustion.

I had tried to help other times, but she would always tell me that she didn't need help and that it was enough that I spent time with her, but today she looked pretty bad, so I wasn't going to take no for an answer.

I slid off the table to the floor, walked over to the bucket of suds next to Lilia, picked up a towel, got on my knees, and started to scrub next to her.

She quickly looked over at me and tried to say something, but I looked at her and smiled before looking back down and starting to scrub again.

Flashback End

She didn't try to stop me after that, for which I was thankful. Now we would both work quietly together during the afternoon. I spent most of the time cleaning, thinking about magic theory. It helped me to have something to do while thinking rather than just sitting around.

Right now, I am thinking back through the different types of magic and their sub-categories. According to the book, magic is produced by mana, which is an energy that every living thing contains. It also said that mana was static and couldn't be improved or increased, but after some experimentation, I proved that this thesis was wrong, at least concerning me. It had only been a year and a half, and I went from being able to cast Water Ball six times to being able to cast well over a hundred.

The book also talked about different mediums for casting spells: incantations, magic circles, and the like. I had questions concerning this part, mostly how exactly these focused mana. My physics degree has come in handy with this. I have been writing down questions and formulations to try and understand how magic functions better for a while now.

After some testing, my running hypothesis is that there is some metaphysical reality to words and intentions that coalesced in the mind to create the spell. Incantations were simply an easy way to guide blind people to the right place. To make it more simple, spell crafting was always a mixture of knowledge, emotions, and creativity.

This made magic surprisingly both extremely accessible and inaccessible. You could be an emotional idiot, an emotionless painter, or an uncreative genius and still do magic, but if you were just an average Joe, you would never be able to cast without an incantation; you had to be above average in your knowledge or emotions and creativity to cast without incantations.

Incantations seemed to be created to make an 'artificial pathway' that the average Joe could follow to get to the end and cast a spell. If you were said average Joe, this was extremely helpful, but if not, it was supremely unhelpful. The spell crafting system seemed pretty simple overall if you removed it from the system that people had plastered over it.

The book had also laid out the three classes of magic: attack, healing, and summoning.

Attack magic, as it sounds, is used offensively and is made up of spells that turn mana into elements. It is divided into four schools: fire, water, wind, and earth.

Healing magic is used primarily to heal injuries and ailments and create protective barriers.

Finally, summoning magic calls for beings to fight for the user and is split into two categories: fiends and spirits. Fiends are beasts with intellect, and spirits are intelligent beings that can inhabit an artificial body.

The book also spoke of uncategorized magics but only mentioned these in passing.

Overall, like the rest of the magic system, it felt like a stretch to consider these exclusive categories, especially since there is a category about magic that can't be categorized. I already knew there were more than four elements from my experimentation; however, I would need to test more before making a pronouncement.

Finally, all spells are split into ranks: beginner, intermediate, advanced, saint, king, imperial, and divine. Beginner being the weakest and divine being the strongest. It didn't explain the differences between these categories, but I have a feeling they are more for clout than to rank power. It didn't matter either way; I knew what my goal was, and as long as a spell did what it needed, it wouldn't matter what rank it was.

Right now, the only spell I had an incantation for was Water Ball, but in my experimentation, I could conjure up fire, lightning, and wind.

As I kept scrubbing, I looked at my hands, covered in blood I couldn't wash off. Then I turned and looked towards Lilia, quietly scrubbing away herself. If I wanted to avoid the same mistakes I made in my previous life, I would need to get stronger. I would need to become so overwhelmingly powerful that I could do whatever I wanted; to protect her.

I had grown increasingly possessive of Lilia over the years; she was the only one I cared about. I didn't know if a monster like me was capable of love, but if I was, I knew that I loved her. 'I won't lose her.'

"Rudeus, are you okay?" I snap out of my thoughts to see Lilia looking at me, concern on her face. 'Oh, I must have stopped scrubbing,' I think to myself before giving a quick nod to her. She smiles back at me before she continues scrubbing.

Before I start scrubbing again, I look at my hands and breathe a long sigh before telling myself, 'I will do what is right this time; I have to for her sake.'

K412 - Fall

I sat awake scribbling notes in a journal that Lilia had gotten me today for my birthday. I was currently transcribing the notes I had in the margins of my Magic book into said journal.

It had been another year, and I was finally five. Today was the celebration, and it was a fairly modest celebration; I got presents from Paul, Zenith, and Lilia, and we ate a more extravagant dinner than usual. But, other than that, it was a typical day.

Paul had gotten me a sword that was too big for me to reasonably wield until I was much older, and Zenith had given me a book on magic. It seemed like they were trying to win me over with their presents. Which wasn't surprising; I had put all my time into magic and Lilia avoiding them more and more over the last few years. Sadly, their hopes would be dashed by the fact I already knew magic. I didn't want to be their son; no matter what they gave me, that wouldn't change.

My time this year had been passed helping Lilia during the day and writing out a spell formulation at night; I was almost done with it and would be ready to test it in a few months. I was trying to take every precaution; since I didn't want to kill myself by accident.

'If I succeed with this, my theory of magic will be proven, and I will have a powerful spell to use.' I think as I finish my writing for the night. Closing my journal and the book and stack them together before putting them both under my bed. After that, I blow my candle out and close my eyes.

K412 - Winter (Paul's POV)

'I never imaged I would be patrolling a small village during the winter.' I thought to myself. I could see my breath because it was so cold. I remember when I was a young man, fresh out of an argument with my old man—forsaking my name to become an adventurer.

I was conflicted when I found out I would be a father, but for the most part, I have enjoyed it; It had been nice to slow down and enjoy life.

'But not everything can be perfect, I think to myself.' Zenith had talked to me several times about her concerns about our first child Rudeus. He hadn't spoken yet and had become more distant from us over the years.

I sighed; I had no answers after months of pondering the question. "What's got you so perplexed, Greyrat?" I hear a voice ask me.

"Just some home problems, Laws," I reply, looking toward him. He was the only other guard in the village, so he and I spent a lot of time together on patrols.

"Ah, is that son of yours still not speaking?" he asks, genuinely concerned. I was glad to have him as a friend.

I think about how to best answer before finally responding, "Yeah, but that isn't as concerning. Zenith is concerned because Rudeus seems to get more distant from us as time passes."

"Maybe he just needs a friend? Hey, maybe we could get him and my daughter together to play." He offers.

I scoff, and he looks at me perturbed, thinking I was scoffing at his idea, "Oh, I wasn't scoffing at your idea; I just don't know if you could split that kid from Lilia. He is always with her; recently, he started helping her do housework."

"Sounds like an odd kid, but I never knew you to be one who would give him an option whether he wanted to or not." He says with a cheeky smile.

"Yeah, usually I wouldn't, but I promised Zenith I wouldn't do anything to make the situation worse." She had made me swear I wouldn't do anything rash when we were discussing how to go about the situation.

After a moment, he responds, "I don't think forcing him to meet a new friend would be so bad; just tell him he has to and send him away for the day. He might end up enjoying it."

'Maybe that wouldn't be too bad,' I think, smiling to myself. "Okay, I guess it couldn't hurt to try. How does this time next week sound for you?"

"That should work. I will talk with my wife and let you know," he tells me, smiling.

K412 - Winter

'This is nice,' I think as I lay in Lilia's lap. She gently rubs my head as I lay there thinking. It was winter which meant there wasn't as much to do around the house, so we were both sitting in front of the fireplace enjoying the warmth.

We had finished preparing lunch together and decided to sit down while we waited for Paul and Zenith to get home.

Eventually, they got home, so we both got up to sit at the table. The family sat there and ate quietly outside of the occasional small talk. After everyone finished, Zenith went to lie down for a nap since she had been feeling sick recently.

After a few minutes, Lilia and I started to clean up the table, and we were almost finished when I heard Paul say, "Rudeus, you're coming with me today; you are going to meet Law's daughter." I looked back at him as if he was joking before continuing what I was doing.

'As if! I don't care to meet some random kid.' I scoffed before I felt myself getting lifted up by the back of my shirt and carried outside before being unceremoniously dumped onto the front porch. "I know you heard me, Rudeus. You don't get a choice in this matter; you will go." I looked up at him in defiance, and I could feel myself losing control of my anger; I hated taking orders.

I dust myself off, stand up, and start walking back into the house. I am about to cross the threshold when I feel myself get tossed through the air. I land on my back in the snow and spend a moment looking at the sky, 'Well, Paul, I didn't think you had it in you.' I close my eyes, thinking about how to go about this.

I spent a few seconds thinking before I heard Lilia, "Paul, stop! What are you doing," I lean up and see her running out of the house toward Paul. When she gets to him, she grabs his arm, trying to stop him from approaching me. He quickly rips his arm from her grasp, hitting her and knocking her down in the process.

When I see her fall, I see red.

K412 - Winter

(Paul's POV)

I see Rudeus freeze when I hit Lilia, and I look back at Lilia feeling bad that I had just hit her. Suddenly, I feel the wind pick up around me and hear a faint whisper, "...y ...L...a."

I turn around and see Rudeus getting up, blue energy swirling around his arms and his head facing the ground. "What was that?" I ask, unsure whether I was imagining things or if he had actually spoken.

Rudeus looks up at me, his eyes full of primal hatred. The energy around his arms began burning his skin, making it turn to ash. I could see the energy pulsing under his arms as the skin flaked off. He stood there breathing roughly for a few seconds before suddenly the energy grew stronger before he yelled, "THAT'S MY LILIA!"