Man Child
By TLR
(Parody based on the Stiller-Wilson movie Starsky and Hutch)
Plot: There are consequences when Starsky breaks up with his girlfriend.
:::::::::::::::::
It was Friday night in Bay City. Hutch was currently on the outs with Staci, and Holly was still on a vacation from Starsky, so the dark-haired heartthrob found himself standing in front of his current girlfriend's door, a bouquet of pink flowers behind his back. Her name was Bunny, and she was also a Bay City Kitty. His heart pounded as he unlocked the front door with a key she'd given him, but then he froze when he saw Bunny in the arms of Greg, one of the players on the Bay City Bobcats football team.
"Oh, Starsky," she said, nonchalantly, "I thought we agreed to be open about our relationships."
The bouquet of flowers fell to her stoop.
"No, Bun," Starsky replied, trying to control the tremble in his voice, "I said I was open to discussions about our relationship."
She rolled her eyes. "Honestly, Dave, you're so... childish! You need to grow up."
To which Starsky responded, "I thought being exclusive meant growing up. But if that's how you feel, I guess we're done." He turned around to leave.
Before he could leave, however, Bunny, who had once been a member of the Sloane Markum sex cult, decided to give him a parting gift.
"You want to act like a child?" she sneered. "Well, go ahead. Be one!"
She slammed the door in his face. He looked down at the fallen flowers, then, a bit dejected, shuffled toward the Torino.
::
A few minutes later he was home, where he made himself a strong drink, drained it, then went to bed early.
::
A storm breezed through during the night at his beach house, but he slept through it. Next morning was Saturday, but he still got up to an alarm clock so that he could iron creases in his blue jeans or alphabetically organize his Dirty Hairy memorabilia scrapbook. But when he rolled out of bed, he found his clothes now oversized and hanging off his small body.
It was hard to explain, but he felt...different. And everything around him looked different too. Bigger. Out of proportion. For example, he took his cardigan sweater from the closet and tried to put it on, but the reach to the closet was very high, and the sweater was way too big.
Alarm started to seize him as he stumbled for the bathroom to look in the mirror, but he had to stand on tiptoes in order to see himself: A four-year-old little boy wearing an oversized sweater.
"HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTCH!"
::
Meanwhile, Hutch was en route to pick him up for work that morning. Upon reaching Starsky's apartment, he was surprised to find a small boy in adult-size clothes at the door. Same Starsky jeans, same Starsky T-shirt, same Starsky sneakers. But...way too big for this little kid.
"Hutch," the child said looking up at him, his voice tearful. "It's me, Starsky."
Hutch laughed. "Good one, partner!"
"No, Hutch. Really. Listen to me. I'm Starsky. David Michael Starsky. Your partner. We poked fingers with my turntable needle last month on my birthday and became blood brothers. I'm your best friend."
Hutch ruffled the dark curly hair. "Yeah no, I don't believe you, short stuff. I think you're some little kid that Starsky gave some money to, to pull an April Fool's prank on me, which is today. Today is April first. Not gonna fall for it, amigo. Not gonna."
Hutch turned around to leave, but a sniffing sound stopped him and he turned back.
"What? Are you crying now? You're really going for the Oscar, aren't you?"
"I'm telling the truth," little David pouted as he collapsed onto the floor sitting Indian-fashion and rubbing his fists into his wet eyes. "I promise. You gotta believe me."
Hutch looked at him for a long minute, feeling a pang of sympathy. It didn't help that the child had the innocent, doe-eyed look Starsky wore at times, sometimes honestly, sometimes manipulatively.
"You must be his secret love child," Hutch concluded. "You look just like him."
"I AM him!"
"Hey, hey, don't cry, little buddy," Hutch cooed, crouching down in front of him and trying to comfort him. "Okay, I'll take you to the station, and we'll find your pop, alright?"
"But I AM him."
"You're your pop?"
"NO, I'm ME! David Michael Starsky!"
Hutch hoisted the child into his arms and looked at him.
"If you're David Michael Starsky, then what did you put in that report you gave to Captain Dobey a year and a half ago? Only the real man Starsky would know that."
"I said..." Little David looked down. "I said 'conduct unbecoming of an officer'...'cavorting with nefarious characters'." He looked back at Hutch, their faces only a couple of inches apart. "But I didn't mean it. You're a real good cop now."
Hutch almost dropped him. Almost. But he slowly, carefully set him on his feet and backed up toward the sofa as if dizzy until he had to sit down.
"Wow, partner. Wow. What happened? Am I dreaming? Did somebody slip me something last night? I feel..."
Little-boy Starsky walked over to him and patted his knee.
"Don't be sad. We can still play together."
"Man, just tell me...what happened? Am I losing it?"
Starsky hopped onto the sofa next to him. "No, you aren't losing it. Bunny put some kind of hex on me, I guess. It's the only explanation I can think of."
"What?!" Hutch said jumping to his feet. "Then we'll just go make her take it off!"
"Yeah, she got mad at me because I wouldn't go for the open relationship thingy. She said I was childish, so she made me a child. She's with Greg."
"Greg the linebacker?"
"Yep."
"Come on," Hutch said scooping him up and carrying him outside. "We're going to get you some clothes that fit. Then we're going to pay a visit to Miss Bunny. And this is an emergency, so I AM going to drive the Torino."
"No way! I can still drive! Just put me under the steering wheel!"
"And get us both killed? Negatory."
::
When Hutch and little-boy Starsky walked up to Bunny's door, Hutch rang the doorbell, but no one answered. Starsky took the key to her house from his pocket and unlocked the door.
"Bunny!" Hutch shouted inside, without going in.
When it was clear Bunny wasn't home, Starsky tugged on Hutch's jacket and said, "Now what are we gonna do, Hutch?"
Hutch looked down at him, then shrugged. "Guess we just have to go to work as usual, partner."
"But..."
"No buts," Hutch said picking him up and carrying him to the Torino. "We'll try Bunny later. Right now I have to get that Manson follower report turned in to Dobey ASAP. It's going to trial in a few days. But don't worry. The day will pass quicker if we stay busy."
Hutch buckled his small partner into the passenger seat, then rounded the car and got in.
"I have to say, Starsk," he said driving away from the curb, "it sure is sweet getting to drive this red road beast."
Starsky folded his arms huffily. "My pleasure," he mumbled.
::
"Hey, hey, hey!" Officer Manetti teased when he saw Hutch and little Starsky walking through the squad room. "Whatcha got there, Hutch, Starsky's secret little love child?"
Starsky gave him the finger, but Hutch pushed his hand down.
"Not nice, David. Not nice."
As they arrived at their desk, Hutch sat down to finish typing the Manson girl report, while Starsky set about climbing into his own chair. "Hey," he said looking over the desktop at his partner, "I could use a little boost here."
Hutch sat Starsky into his chair, then sat down in his own and resumed typing.
"Starsky's bored," Starsky said as he looked around the desk, playing with the stapler, a Hot Wheels toy Torino, scribbling with a pen in a case file, and eating from one of Hutch's yogurt cups.
"Sshh," Hutch said without looking up. "Just let me finish this."
"But I'm hungry."
"It isn't even lunchtime yet."
Just then Captain Dobey's door opened and the big man walked up to their desk. "Hey, Hutch, how's the report go-" He gave a curious look at little David. "Uh...Starsky's secret little love child?"
Starsky stuck his tongue out at Harold C. Dobey.
Hutch zipped the report from the typewriter, signed it, and handed it to the captain.
"Signed, sealed, delivered, Captain."
"About time, Hutchinson," Dobey said walking back toward his office.
When the captain was inside his office again, Hutch picked up the phone and dialed Bunny, but she didn't answer.
"Still isn't home," he said glumly, then looked at his partner across the desk, who was making paper airplanes. "Okay, partner. Let's go to the park so you can blow off some steam."
::
At the park, Hutch pushed Starsky on a swing.
"More," Starsky said.
Hutch pushed harder.
"Higher," Starsky said.
Hutch made him go higher.
"Way higher," Starsky said.
When Hutch pushed even harder, Starsky slipped out backward and landed hard in the dust.
"Ow," Starsky sobbed as he sat up and held his back.
"Sorry!" Hutch said running to him and setting him on his feet and brushing the dust from him. "Geez oh Pete."
Starsky rubbed his wet eyes again.
"Come here, little baby," Hutch said as he wrapped small Starsky up in a hug. "It'll be all right."
::
This time when the partners went to Bunny's house, she came to the door.
"Can I help you?" she asked tersely. Then she looked down at Starsky and burst into laughter.
"Whoa," Hutch said. "Hold up, chica. We're in a very sensitive situation right now. You could damage his innocent ego beyond repair. You're dealing with a four-year-old boy, not a full-grown man. And yes, you can help us."
"Don't make a federal case out of it," she said. "The hex can be broken."
"How?" Starsky and Hutch asked together.
"By eating a Rocky Mountain Oyster."
"Huh?" Starsky asked.
"Bull testicle," Hutch said.
Starsky's face went pale and he held his stomach at the thought of it.
Hutch said helpfully, "They're a delicacy in France. And they're supposed to help with virility. Not that you or I need it."
"Hutch! Come on! I'm four years old!"
Hutch picked him up and carried him to the Torino.
"We have to get Huggy in on this," Hutch said buckling his partner into the passenger seat. "Just hold on."
"Can we hurry up? I have to pee."
::
"Look what the wind blew in," Huggy said as he watched Starsky and Hutch enter his place of business. As Hutch sat Starsky on a stool, Huggy said to the child Starsky, "I told you all that junk food would stunt your growth."
"We need your help, Hug," Hutch said quietly.
"I can see that," Huggy said.
"In order for the hex to be removed and Starsky return to his regular man self, he needs to eat a Rocky Mountain Oyster."
Huggy nodded. "AKA mountain tenders, cowboy caviar, cajones de toro-"
"We get it," Starsky grumbled. "We get it. Just...bring 'em."
Hutch gave a skeptical look toward Huggy and whispered, almost wincing. "You got those?"
"The Bear got a special delivery in today from a matador who slew el toro rojo just this morning. I'll create this magical dish myself. Excuse me."
As Huggy sauntered to the kitchen to make Starsky's meal, both Starsky and Hutch found themselves sitting quietly on their stools. Hutch casually shrugged. "I could play a few songs for you on my guitar. Huggy keeps one upstairs."
Little Starsky folded his arms on the bar and put his head down.
"Come here, my pint-size partner," Hutch said as he put a sympathetic arm around the boy. "I feel your vulnerability. I know how I'd feel. But it's going to be all right. Huggy will bring out his...special dish...and the hex will be reversed."
"But," Starsky asked without raising his head, "what if it isn't reversed?"
Hutch thought for a moment, then said, "Then I'll just have to ask Bunny to put the hex on me too."
Now Starsky raised his head and smiled for the first time since that morning. "You mean it? You'd do that for me?"
Hutch shrugged. "Of course I would. That's what best friends are for. It takes both of us to be the best blood brother cop duo often mistaken for gay detective partnership in the history of the world."
They sat in comfortable contemplation for about thirty more minutes, then Huggy came out carrying Starsky's special dish on a silver charger.
"Dinner is served, young man," he said as he set the food down in front of Starsky, along with a fork, knife, napkin, and glass of water. "Enjoy."
Starsky looked at the meat, then at Hutch.
"Bon appetit," Hutch said, and Starsky took his first bite.
::
Next morning.
Starsky was pacing around his beach house when a knock came at his door.
He walked over to it and opened it, then smiled when he saw a small version of Hutch standing there.
"Hey!" Little Hutch said as he ruffled Starsky's hair. "We're about the same size!"
"My sister said we could live with her until we grow up."
"Cool. What'll we do till then?"
"I don't know," Hutch said with a carefree shrug. "Play?"
"Yeah!" Starsky shouted as he playfully pulled Hutch outside by the hand. "Let's go! Race ya to the water! Look out for the octopus! Just kidding!"
The End