CHAPTER 3- Habit

Fuck puzzlerama.

It was all fun and games until someone got hurt. And, guess what? Get hurt they did. All of them.

She normally loved Trina's parties, and she'd even had fun with Roger that day, but their new friendship was beginning to get complicated. And, if Janet finding out the truth about the pool party and the fact that Susan knew that Roger had lost his job before she did wasn't bad enough already, everything else to do with her personal life seemed to go downhill from there.

Things with Bruce? They'd been strained, again, ever since the heatwave, and now she knew why.

Melinda.

Bruce had kissed her. More than once. Then he'd had the gall to go to her apartment.

Susan honestly believed him when he said that nothing else happened, but that didn't stop her from feeling betrayed. The little part of her heart that had started doubting the stability of their marriage, the same one that had watched her husband leave her behind at the Deep Throat party, began to spread. But, if Tom and Trina had taught her anything, it was that the only way a couple could survive the swinging world was to be open about his wandering eyes or desires. That's what she wanted her and Bruce to have. If he was feeling tempted like that, she wanted to know so that they could tackle it together.

That's how they ended up at the Pendulum Club with the Deckers and, oddly enough, the Thompsons all in tow a little over a week after the Puzzlerama disaster. The night had gone well, or so she thought, but when she saw how relieved Tom and Trina looked when she and Bruce had decided to bring Brad and Sylvia home with them to see where things would go, she knew that she was going to have to make it up to them. She didn't realize how truly tempting being in an environment like that would be for them with their marriage currently closed, and the blame for that that was solely on her.

She and Bruce held hands as they left the club that night, almost giddily as they made their way out to their car, but were quiet on the journey home. Anticipation tickled at all of her senses. The chemistry between the Davis' and she and Bruce had been evident right from the beginning, even despite her temporary jealousy issue, and Susan would be lying to herself if she said that she didn't find the other couple attractive and incredibly fascinating. Both of them.

Things went well, though a bit awkward at first, but somewhere between smoking pot and getting ready to make an omelet, for reasons that she was still a little unsure of, the metaphorical shit hit the fan.

All of a sudden, Laurie and her philosophy professor, Doug Stevens, were crawling out from behind the bar in their small den, Bruce was yelling, clothes were being hastily picked up, and their guests were slipping out the side door. It was an absolute mess.

The rest of that horrible evening, and all of the days following for the next week, were spent either arguing with Laurie or trying to navigate her husband's hot/cold attitudes and sudden overbearing need to make them one solid family unit again. On one hand, it was nice seeing him finally take an active interest in her and their kids again, but on the other? Well, it should have made her love him even more than she already did, right? It didn't, though. Honestly, the longer it went on, the more she began to resent it. The more she began to resent him.

"I don't know what to do anymore, Trina."

It was 11:30am on a mid-August Wednesday, and Susan had brought lunch over to her friend as an apology for convincing them into going to the Pendulum Club with them. It was nothing fancy, just chicken salad sandwiches, with chips, and some cut up fruit on the side, but she was glad that it was received with a surprised smile and an invitation to join her.

"About what?" she asked.

Susan sighed, chewing thoughtfully on a slice of orange, "There's so much going on."

"Like?"

"Bruce," she began, unsure where to start, "and, Laurie, and... the new guy she's dating."

Trina frowned, but remained silent.

Taking a bite of her sandwich, Susan continued, "The night that we brought Brad and Sylvia home? She was there with her boyfriend, which I don't even want to get into right now, but she and Bruce had a huge, blowout fight. Brad and Sylvia left, and almost immediately after that, Laurie threw it in our faces that she knew Bruce was about to sleep with another woman. They've been locked in a stalemate ever since."

"Yikes."

"Yeah," Susan huffed, still in disbelief of the situation that they were currently stuck in, "Now, he's determined to put our family back on the right track. Whatever that means. He wants us all to go up to the cabin this weekend."

Trina swallowed and reached for her Tab cola, "Who knows? Maybe that will help?"

"Doubtful," she admitted, chewing quickly before swallowing, "They're so alike, those two. Once their minds are made up, there's no changing them. And, Bruce's insistence that a family weekend spent alone in the woods is the only thing that will fix it is... well, it's-"

"Frustrating? Intolerable?"

"Yes!" Susan laughed, "It's infuriating at times. But, with everything else going on, I don't know. I don't want to rock the boat."

Nodding, Trina polished off the last bit of her sandwich, "How is Roger?"

Susan froze, her eyes wide, unblinking, "Wh-what?"

"You said there was a lot going on..." Trina smirked, "It's just a question."

"Oh, Tr-Trina," she stammered slightly, "I thought we talked about this? There's nothing going on between Roger and I."

Without warning, the other woman leaned toward her, and Susan was only mildly prepared for the feeling of Trina's lips pressed against hers. She gasped quietly, her stomach fluttering at the contact. It was a soft and lingering, but otherwise sweet kiss.

"Just like that was nothing, too?" Trina whispered, point made.

The other woman remained near her, their foreheads almost pressed together.

"Trina," still, she hesitated, "I-"

Once more, the younger woman captured her lips, and right away Susan knew that it was unlike any of their previous kisses. Sure, their cabin kiss had been more of a cabin make-out, but this immediately felt different. Susan arched into the contact, tilting her head to the side and parted her lips just enough to let Trina slip inside. Long gone were the usual teasing caress of lips against hers, instead replaced by insistence and need. Trina reached out and cupped the sides of her face, her fingertips digging lightly into her jaw, making a moan resonate somewhere deep inside of her. Susan pressed forward, reaching out for Trina just as the other woman hummed softly and broke off their kiss.

Susan's eyes fluttered open, the room far brighter than she remembered, and Trina leaned up and pressed a comforting kiss to her forehead. She sighed, suddenly very aware of just how quickly her pulse was thrumming beneath the surface of her skin.

They really should have that talk, the one that Trina had asked her if she needed after skinny dipping all those weeks ago. Honestly though, Susan already had enough romantic drama going on with Bruce, Melinda, and... Roger, if she was entirely honest with herself. For now, kissing Trina? Kissing her was easy. It was sweet, fun, and exciting in ways that kissing alone hadn't made her feel in a long time. It was safe. Though, if anyone dug a little deeper, just below the surface of their friendship they'd find that some not-so-platonic feelings were starting to form. At least on her side, anyway.

Susan's mind raced as she watched the other woman reach down and steal a chip off of her plate before sliding fully back onto her chair.

Trina popped it into her mouth, the sound of crunching stark against the otherwise silent room, and met her with a friendly, but meaningful gaze, "I'm here if you need anything, Susan."

Chewing on her bottom lip, she nodded.

Two very long, house-filled-with-tension days later, when Tom and Trina came over to see them off and grab a set of their house keys so that they could water the plants and keep an eye on the place while they were gone, Susan was so distracted by Laurie and her steadfast refusal to go on the family trip that she completely forgot about being nervous around the other woman.

For the first time since meeting them, Susan wasn't quite sure where she and Trina stood with each other. They remained friends, that much she knew would always be true, but could they possibly be something more than that? If so, what in the world would that something be? What would it look like? Her brain was a confusing mess of questions and not enough answers, but at least she was certain about three things. One, her marriage with Bruce was a mess. Two, her feelings for Roger were new and exciting but incredibly complicated for a multitude of reasons. And, last but not least, three, if she'd felt attraction toward both Trina and Sylvia that summer, then the fact that she kept kissing her neighbor even when they weren't swinging together meant something. Something serious.

So when they were all gathered around the entryway that mild Friday morning saying goodbye, it was only when Trina beelined toward her and planted a smooch on the corner of her mouth, right in front of everyone, that she remembered. She remembered their last kiss, how intense it had been. But, before she even had a chance to react, it was over. Beneath her friendly smile she was actually incredibly flustered and thankful that both her new and old neighbors decided to leave all in one go.

Cautiously peering over at Bruce and Laurie, she realized that they hadn't even noticed. To them it had been nothing more than a friendly goodbye. It wasn't just that, though, only partially, and both her and Trina knew that. The fact that she'd finally admitted it, even if only to herself, honestly made her feel even more confused and guilty than she was before.

Susan sighed inwardly and decided to focus on finishing the packing instead. She decided to focus on her family.

###

It took a half hour longer than usual to get to the cabin due to weekend traffic just outside of downtown Chicago and, by the time they arrived, the tension in the car was thick enough to cut with a knife. She tried her best to play along with Bruce's plans, for his and the rest of the family's sake, and maybe even a little bit for her own as well. Something felt like it was missing, though, like she'd forgotten to lock the front door, pack her swimsuit, or had left a wet load of laundry in the wash. It was something that she couldn't quite place, and not until the moment she called Janet to let her know that they'd made it safely and Roger had answered, did she realize what it was.

Her pulse raced and her palms became sweaty.

The odd tension that had been growing between them suddenly made sense. Every quiet moment? The thrill of actually getting to know someone for the first time? It felt like a schoolgirl crush. It was a schoolgirl crush, and the realization made Susan feel like the floor had just dropped out from under her.

She didn't hear a word of whatever Janet was saying on the other end of the line. The only thing that she could think about was the fact that the only people she'd felt truly comfortable just being herself with that summer had been him and Trina. It was odd, really. She'd known the Thompsons for the last ten years, and because Roger was her best friend's husband, she'd always subconsciously put him in the sturdy, reliable, untouchable, but 'would never hurt you' category of man that Susan used to only reserve for Bruce. Now, she suddenly had a crush on him? And, the Deckers? They'd only been neighbors for a little under two months and she was already so at ease with them that it felt completely natural. Like it was always meant to be that way.

Stumbling her way outside after saying goodbye and shakily hanging up the phone, Susan found herself standing on the shoreline, contemplating. She stared down at the ground and shuffled her feet, kicking pointlessly at a clump of grass. That's when she saw them. A few small, smooth rocks. Without thinking, she bent down and picked them up, inspecting them for only a moment before sending one sailing across the top of the water, just like Roger had taught her.

What in the world was she going to do?

###

The rest of their first day at the cabin had been a disaster.

Laurie ended up spending the entire afternoon on the phone with her boyfriend, much to Bruce's chagrin, which ended with a huge fight and the cord to phone being ripped from the jack on the wall. BJ and Rick had been outside doing whatever it was that fourteen year old boys did in the wilderness, hopefully not fighting. They all ate a rather bland dinner and then followed that up with a truly catastrophic game of charades.

Susan was grateful for a clean slate the following morning and tried to go about her business as if it were a normal camp weekend. She made breakfast and allowed the kids to eat wherever they wanted to, simply because it wasn't worth another fight to make them eat at the table. Unfortunately for everyone, though, those were their last peaceful moments.

When she wasn't busy dealing with Bruce or Laurie, or Bruce and Laurie, Susan spent most of her free time out by the lake, deep in thought. She and Bruce had changed. She'd changed. They'd gotten too comfortable with each other and felt safe in the roles they'd fallen into over the years. Of course, it got easier to try and spice things up with date nights as the kids got older, but that spark just wasn't really there anymore.

Did she honestly want to spend the rest of her life with someone that she no longer clicked with? Did she want to chance missing out on that new and exciting love that her daughter was fighting so hard for?

Susan let out a deep sigh.

Sooner or later something was going to happen and she had a horrible, awful, sinking feeling that her marriage was going to take the brunt of that oncoming damage.

Susan paced by the water's edge for what felt like hours, perspiration building on her brow as the early afternoon sun beat down on her from overhead. She was surprised, however, when Laurie came outside at some point and sat behind her on a wooden bench with a book. That in itself was odd. Her daughter rarely spent quality time with her anymore, not at her age, but the exchange that followed was even weirder.

"Why did you marry Dad?" she asked.

Susan's immediate reaction was to defend him, "Laurie, he's your father."

"I'm not trying to be insulting," she apologized, turning to face her, clearly gearing up for a deep conversation, "It's a serious question. What was it about him... that made you think you wanted to spend the rest of your life with him?"

Sighing, she made her way over to the bench and sat down, "Well, we weren't together very long before I got pregnant. I-I didn't have a lot of time to think about it."

That was true. It was also just the way things were done in the 50s and 60s. If you got pregnant out of wedlock, you married the father. End of story. And, since she and Bruce had been madly in love, as much as a sixteen and newly seventeen year old could be anyway, she hadn't thought twice about accepting his proposal.

"If you hadn't been pregnant with me, would you have married him?"

The question took her by surprise and she hesitated. Would she have?

"N-not then," she finally admitted, "But-but later, sure."

That didn't seem to be the answer that Laurie had been looking for. Her daughter's body sagged at the news, and Susan reached out to comfort her.

"Laurie, he's a good man," she continued, feeling like she was grasping at straws, trying to justify her own life choices, "He is kind and smart and, he loves this family."

Her daughter's next question caught her off guard as well, though it probably shouldn't have at that point.

"Do you still want to be married to him?"

"Of course," she replied, not quiet sure if she was trying to convince Laurie or herself.

"But, you're messing around with other people."

The look on her face and the sincerity in her voice nearly killed Susan.

She sighed, "Relationships are... complicated. They change over time. You-you can't understand that right now-"

"No," her daughter argued, "I can't, because all I want is Doug. He's all I think about. If it ever got to the point that I wanted someone else? I'd leave him."

Chuffing softly at the naivety of her daughter, Susan replied, "Everything seems so black and white to you right now, so simple."

"It is simple. You love him or you don't," Laurie reasoned, "It would kill me to see Doug with someone else."

That seemed to strike a chord somewhere deep inside of her.

"Do you think your father and I never had that? We did, we felt exactly the same way you do now."

Laurie sighed, "'Felt.' Do you hear yourself, mom?"

A little shiver of fear, of dread, shot through her at the implication.

Susan stood, suddenly needing space from both her daughter and the conversation, "You can't compare what you're going through to a relationship that has lasted eighteen years. It's not the same thing... One day you'll understand that."

"God, I hope not," she retorted, her conviction strong and steady, "I just want Doug. And it is that simple."

Sighing, Susan began fiddling with the long forgotten rock that she'd been holding and stared out at the tranquility of the lake. Laurie got up and went walking toward the dirt road and the paths that she and her family had taken to other areas in the woods for generations.

Apparently they both needed space.

###

It was just beginning to reach the hottest part of the afternoon when she went back inside and sat at the kitchen table, staring at the beige telephone atop its surface. If she did this, if she picked up that phone, things would change.

She had to know.

Susan's hand trembled as she lifted the receiver and dialed a number that she'd known by heart for years. It rang once, twice, and then three times before someone answered.

"Hello?"

"Roger?" she asked, her breath hitching slightly, "It's Susan."

His voice audibly softened on the other end of the line, "Hey. What's going on?"

"Everything's fine. I-I just wanted to say that..." she took a shaky breath, "I skipped rocks."

She could practically hear him smile through the phone and it made her feel like she was floating.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," Susan continued, albeit a little bit awkwardly, "I used the... wrist thing. Worked like a charm."

He paused, "Are you okay?"

Grimacing, hating just how lame she sounded, her chest began tightening with anxiety, "This trip's not as... fun as the last one."

"I wish I could be there."

"I wish-"

Then Bruce suddenly came barreling through the door, startling the life out of her as he went on and on about their date, the one that she'd completely forgotten about.

"Who are you talking to?" he asked, noticing the phone that she'd been clinging tightly to her chest.

"Just..." Susan scrambled for an excuse, turning, picking up the phone and heading back toward the kitchen counter with it, bringing the receiver back up to her ear, "checking to see if the phone was working. Thank you. Goodbye."

Guilt weighed heavily upon her. She felt terrible for hanging up on Roger, but she felt worse about lying to and essentially emotionally cheating on her husband. Briefly bracing her hands on the counter top, she took a deep breath before turning around and readying herself for the conversation ahead. The look on Bruce's face told her everything that she needed to know. As did his angry response when she suggested that they still go on their date.

Before she had a chance to respond to him, BJ came running in holding a note from Laurie, and the brief relief that she'd felt from his interruption suddenly curdled in the pit of her stomach. Her daughter had run away, gone back home, and Susan could honestly say that she hadn't been so terrified in decades.

She and Bruce spent over an hour searching for her in the car that day. He'd been nearly frantic, switching radio stations so quickly that she could barely even understand what was playing and it had been so distracting, so frustrating, that she snapped at him and accidentally let it slip during the ensuing argument that they might not love each other anymore. Neither of them had ever brought it up in conversation, not even once, and it probably hadn't even crossed his mind before. But, it had definitely crossed hers, and she could tell that her offhand comment had hit her husband hard, like a slap in the face.

Susan hated that, instead of feeling guilty about it, she could only think, 'Good. It's about time he noticed.'

###

Thankfully, they found Laurie, with the help of Doug Stevens, of all people.

The fact that the young teacher had immediately told Susan where her daughter was, without prompting, while sounding just as frantic over the phone as she had felt, had been surprising. Susan hadn't expected that from him. She also hadn't expected him to show up at the diner only a few minutes after they'd arrived either. His and Laurie's relationship definitely wasn't one-sided, or just a student having a crush on her teacher and him taking advantage of her, like both her and Bruce had suspected. They seemed to genuinely care for each other, maybe even love each other, and that had been a surprising revelation as well.

So, even though she didn't want to let her little girl go, Susan gave in and let Laurie leave with him.

She hadn't been lying to her daughter earlier that afternoon, when they were having their conversation out by the lake. People grew and changed, even when they were in relationships, and often times you could grow and change together. Sometimes though, you grew apart. Like her and Bruce. It was unfortunate, but it happened all the time. Laurie was young and experiencing her first real love, though. Susan couldn't blame her for having such a black and white, idealized view on love and relationships. Back when she was seventeen, she too would have probably reacted the same way.

It was her daughter's parting words though, just before heading back home to go to the Jackson Browne concert, that stuck with her.

"Mom? Life is short. We need to be happy now."

Susan reached out and clasped her daughter's hands with her own, "Sometimes life is long, Laurie."

She shrugged slightly, the hint of a sage smile flickering across her lips, "Even more reason."

'Even more reason.'

She couldn't get it out of her head. Not on the silent drive back to the cabin, not when she was laying in bed next to Bruce later that night, wide awake, and definitely not the next day when she was packing up for their trip back home that evening and found the perfect, oval-shaped, grey stone that she'd shoved into her pocket the day before. She decided to keep it. A keepsake. An ill-advised token of when she'd learned how to skip them. And, a reminder of feelings that she couldn't and shouldn't continue to let herself indulge in.

Bruce didn't seem to notice her pensiveness, or if he did he didn't comment on it. In fact, he seemed perfectly fine and pretended like nothing had happened for the rest of their time at the cabin. Susan played along, thankful for the peace and quiet, just like she had at the beginning of their trip.

She was surprised though, when, after an uneventful ride back home, he insisted that they spend the last few days of his vacation focusing solely on their relationship. Her initial reaction was to be annoyed with him, but a familiar guilt instantly settled onto her shoulders, making her heart ache and her stomach go queasy. It was probably for the best. If they had any chance of saving their family, it had to start with them.

So, Susan agreed.