Rockin' around, the Christmas tree-

That's what Christmas means to-

Have a holly, jolly Christmas-

He turned the radio off with a sharp jab, maybe a little harder than necessary but if he had to listen to one more holly jolly song about the joy of the season he was going to deck someone. Ditto if one more person called him a grinch which was why he was going somewhere he wouldn't have to see or deal with anyone.

His grandpa's cabin in Wisconsin. In a rare turn of events Intelligence had gotten the week surrounding the holiday off, the Chief's way of telling them good job he guessed and with his father forced into visiting their aunt Carol down in Florida and Will on-call at the hospital in between spending time with Natalie's visiting family Jay was taking the opportunity to have some time to himself. Granted he could've gotten that in his apartment and been able to avoid the clusterfuck that was this traffic but not only did he want to make it very hard for him to get called in if something did pop off he wanted to make it very hard for anyone to stop by unexpectedly; he was not in the mood to be around people right now. Hell he was barely in the mood to be around himself but his own company wasn't something he could so easily run away from. Not anymore.

Jay had run as far as he could.

If he was being particularly hard on himself he could trace the habit back to just over a decade ago but he was going to give himself a bit of grace, for the season he thought snarkily, and start with last year. When his ex-wife had shown up out of the blue to rekindle something that hadn't even really been between them in the first place, something that should've been obvious considering their marriage had been a twenty-four-hour bender in Vegas, except Abby hadn't filed the divorce papers like she'd told him. Some detective he was, not even knowing he was still fucking married. The reminder of how low he'd once sunk and what he was still hiding had sent him running from a woman who'd loved him to the solitude he always found himself drawn back to. Going to the VA had been the right move, Jay valued that brotherhood and he understood the importance of being vulnerable but what would have happened if he'd done that with Erin? She had asked him to god damnit but he'd been stubborn and scared so he'd left. And then he'd lost her. It was a lesson that kept slapping him in the face, like when his new partner Hailey recently threatened to find a new one if he didn't take his mandated therapy seriously, mandated being the key word because after the death of Luis Vega, a fellow former Ranger on a case he had spiralled. Big time. Thanks to that therapy, and her push, he now understood what he'd been thinking when he'd dated the dead man's sister, under his undercover alias like a true asshole but that didn't make him any less ashamed. It was a situation he was lucky hadn't taken his badge after her own double life as a drug recruiter got a D.E.A agent killed. He could thank Hailey for that too, and for making sure Camila got a deal, another woman he'd hurt and then abandoned.

The ground finally felt steady again and his head felt clear but now Jay was just… tired. Tired of losing and disappointing people, tired of making the same damn mistake over and over. And now over again.

So for the next seven days, no people.

No jolly Christmas music, no forced conversations and no awkward exchanges. And no fucking traffic he thought with relief as he finally pulled onto the highway, a quick glance at the clock showing he'd still make it there before dark which was good because a storm was supposed to be rolling in. But in two hours, maybe a little less he'd be curled up on that lumpy old couch reading a book and drinking whiskey by the fire. All by himself.

Fuck it was cold.

It hadn't been, they could thank climate change for the unseasonably warm temperatures but this cold front was no joke. The first thing he'd done when he'd gotten here was chop a bunch of firewood to make sure he wouldn't run out, doubtful since he was in the middle of a forest but the activity had been nice, cathartic, but he'd had the fire going for an hour now and the place was only just starting to heat up. And since his grandfather had wanted to keep the log cabin in as close to the original condition as it had been when the workers used it to build the dam upriver about eighty years ago, before he'd had it hauled down here that fireplace and a bunch of ratty old blankets were all he had to keep himself from freezing. It should be just another reason to get grumpy but he'd always liked roughing it. To be fair his family had usually only come here in the summer but the couches were just as comfortable as the beds so he could sleep here if need be. At least he didn't have to deal with his dads snoring or Will trying to put a dead fish under his mattress. The only one he did miss was his mom but that was an ache he was used to, even if the pictures of her still stung whenever he caught a glance.

She'd be so pissed he was here alone.

Would give him a whole lecture on the importance of spending time with family, that putting up with a bunch of people who annoyed the shit out of you was exactly what the holidays were about and how he'd regret it when he was older. Except he was older now and he craved solitude just as much as he had when he was a kid.

Maybe he was just meant to be on his own. Some people were. Relationships were messy to begin with but especially in his line of work and it wasn't like Intelligence gave him a lot of time to find someone and he was not doing a workplace romance again. So maybe it was better this way- he had his job and his books and no one got hurt.

What else did he need?

A sudden knocking at the door startled him and for a second how loud and disjointed it sounded had him wondering if his mother had sent a Christmas ghost down to haunt him. He wouldn't put it past her. He hurried to answer it, confused who the hell it could be, especially when a quick look out one of the windows showed the only car out front was his. The first thing he noticed was that it was really fucking cold outside and the second was that the wind was blowing strong, so much it almost knocked over the person on the stoop, their body swaying so far to the left he instinctively threw out a hand to steady them and then he saw the sapphire eyes poking out from beneath the fur lined parka and he was the one who got thrown.

Dragged forward by a fierce and familiar tug in his heart.

Jay hustled through the halls of Bagram's command centre, silent, and by the looks he was getting from his fellow soldiers some not so silent curses running through his mind. He could not be late to this meeting. They were getting some kind of technical contractor in today who was supposed to help in their search for Halef Selim, one of the nastiest Taliban leaders in the region and while some of his brothers might be resentful of the outside help he was all for it.

He didn't care who got the credit for catching the bad guys so long as they got caught.

What he did care about was making sure his platoon commander didn't regret bringing him into this meeting, or worse, regret pairing his team with whoever this contractor was. Hopefully not a dick. He could work with anyone but it would be so nice if the guy didn't turn out to be a total asshole.

"Shit."

His next curse was definitely out loud but when he'd swung open the side door into the briefing room, hoping to slip in quietly he'd crashed into someone who'd been trying to slip out. A woman, her startled, and stunning, sapphire eyes locking on his when he grabbed her to make sure she didn't go down.

"Tess?!"

The bundled-up head popped up, awkwardly bobbing backwards until the hood fell off and then he was sure he was staring at the same woman.

A little older than the last time he'd seen her but just as stunning.

"Jay."

Another rush of wind threatened to knock her over and he quickly pulled her inside, not able to stay dumbstruck long before a wriggling coming from inside her jacket caught his attention and the next thing he knew a little snout was poking up through the top of her jacket, just as a leg kicked out from the bottom.

"Oh for the love of Lucifer- chill Fey!" Jay watched in shocked silence as a dog slipped onto the floor in front of him, a Pitbull, shaking itself before it saw him and instantly moved between her legs, its hackles just starting to rise before she gave it a firm tap on the head. "Hey! Friend."

Just like that it settled, tongue slipping out as it panted at him before it trotted over and plopped itself down right in front of the fireplace.

"Oh that's fine, I'm totally cool!" Tess called after it, shaking her head with a smile before she turned back to him, giving a slower shake this time as she looked him over, just as shocked as he was.

And maybe just as happy too.

"What're you doing here?"

"This is my cabin, thank you." He said with a snort, motioning for her to take her jacket off and giving her a very long once-over as she did; the parka and thick oversized sweater would've kept her warm, not to mention the dog pressed against her chest but she was only wearing jeans so he quickly ushered her over to the couch to get her legs warm. "Last I heard you were still doing aid work overseas."

Of course the last he'd heard had been about five years ago but he supposed he hadn't kept in contact with her either.

"I was, I spent three years going around to different places, doing what I could but I've been back in B.C the last couple of years."

"You went home?"

Tess flushed but nodded, sliding onto the floor so she could sit with the dog, who instantly curled into her. "Yeah, I did. Figured it was time to stop running, you know?"

Oh did he.

"So what're you doing here?"

"It's Christmas." She said with a smile and a shrug, shifting her legs so he could sit down across from her. "Lydia came out to see me last year so it was my turn to go to her- I was supposed to fly straight into Chicago but when I got stranded in Winnipeg I decided to just drive down. Till the weather got so bad I had to pull over and then some asshole sent me into a ditch."

"What? Are you okay?" He ignored her efforts to wave him off looking her over a lot more critically than he had the first time; a little pale but the fire was bringing the colour back to her cheeks, and she didn't seem to be in any pain but now that he looked closer he could see a small bruise forming on her temple.

She'd probably smacked it against her steering wheel.

"We're fine. Wish I'd gotten the assholes plates though."

"He didn't stop to make sure you were okay?"

"He did not."

Mother fucker.

She was lucky nothing worse had happened, and that asshole was lucky she hadn't gotten his plate or he'd be making sure someone in the city picked him up right fucking now.

"I don't know if it was him or the cold but my rental car decided not to start back up and I wasn't going to try and fix it in the middle of this so I figured the best thing was to find a cabin nearby. Didn't think you'd be behind the door." She said with an awkward laugh but the soft way she looked at him had Jay relaxing.

She'd always been good at that.

"Now it's your turn."

"My turn to what?"

"To tell me what you're doing here."

"It's my cabin, remember?" He said with a smirk as he settled back against the coffee table. "I can come out here whenever I want."

"Yeah, but it's kind of sad that you're here alone during Christmas. It's a little-"

"Don't call me a grinch."

Tess froze, that had come out a little harsher than he'd meant it to but she'd never been scared of him. Like she always had she just cocked her head and looked him over, that impish smile that could both soothe and irritate creeping across her lips. "Would Jack Frost be a better comparison?"

"Fuck you." He said with his own laugh, shocked when her dog lifted her head like she knew exactly what he'd just said, and was debating whether she deemed it acceptable. "What's its name?"

"She is called Feyre." Tess said proudly, smacking her stomach before she gave her a couple kisses, he swore whispering friend a couple more times before she turned back to him. "I rescued her a year and a half ago."

"I thought most cities didn't allow Pitbull's?" He asked as he held his hand out for her sniff, smiling when she gave his fingers a lick and then rolled over so he too could reach her stomach.

"All her genetic tests say she's a mutt."

Jay just snorted, sharing a knowing smile with Tess as they gave the dog, Feyre, her desired belly rubs; any digital test would say whatever she wanted it to because that was what happened when someone had an IQ of 193 with a focus in coding and electronics. In the seven and a half years he'd known her before the five where they'd fallen out of contact she'd never ceased to amaze him with what she was capable of and she'd had a very strong start. It was what had made him fall-

What made him like her so much.

His therapist said he'd done what he did with Camila not just because he felt guilty about getting her brother killed and wanted to protect her but also because he'd admired her- apparently he went for strong women because they reminded him of his mother, an uncomfortable comparison but if he was honest not an untrue one and Tess... She was certainly the strongest. He had fallen for her, he could say it, even if it was just to himself but he knew she knew. Just like he knew she'd fallen for him, a relationship they'd explored on occasion but had never gone all in on, too worried about all the ways it could go wrong they'd never given it a real chance.

"You still working with the military?" He asked cautiously after a couple minutes of mostly comfortable silence, remembering how tense a relationship she'd had with the government.

But Tess just grinned, a little more cynical than he remembered but still bright. "I work with who I want, when I want, on what I want."

"So nothing's changed then?"

That made her face darken, but just for a minute. Then it got sad. "I think a lot has changed for both of us. Are you… you're sure you're okay with me being here?"

Yes.

"No, I'm gonna throw you back outside and let you freeze to death. I'll keep the dog though." He said wryly, laughing when her tail thumped against his leg and then again when Tess called her a traitor and she gave her a kiss like she was apologizing.

"I know, I just… it's clear you wanted time to yourself and I don't want to get in the way or mess-"

"You never got in the way. And you never messed things up." Jay said softly, and seriously, but he had to look away when her eyes did that thing where they somehow got bigger and bluer. "There's just... I needed to get out of the city. Can't say I'll be the best company but if you don't mind my grinchness I think we'll be okay."

Now she grinned again, that mix of mischief and sweetness. "I'm liking the Jack Frost comparison."

"I really hope you're not thinking of Martin Short from the Santa Claus movie; I'd prefer Jim Carey thank you."

"I was thinking of the animated one actually, Rise of the Guardians." She said with a laugh but her eyes had that insightful gleam that always made him nervous. "A good hearted but angry young boy who self isolates when sad- sound familiar?"

"Fuck you. What she said was mean too." He told the dog when she lifted her head to give him another look, shaking his own as he stood. "You still hate beer?"

"I do."

"Whiskey it is then." He said as he poured them two glasses, careful to do a light pour.

He didn't want to make any assumptions but they both knew how many times they'd turned to each other for comfort, or stress relief, and as much he liked the idea of that, was starting to crave it, it probably wasn't a good idea.

"Hey Jay?"

"Yeah?" He turned when she didn't follow up, surprised to find her looking nervous. "What's up?"

"I didn't want to weigh myself down too much carrying her so my bag is still in my rental car. Do you... would it be okay if I borrowed a pair of sweats?"

Yes.

"I'll trade you for them if you make dinner?"

"I can do that."

"Then we're going to be just fine."

Jay was not a bad cook. He wasn't the greatest, the more complicated the recipe the more he struggled but he had the basics down and that was what he'd brought with him; only enough for him though so they were going to have to run into town soon.

If she stayed.

The storm was only supposed to last the night and if it turned out to just be loud and cold the highways could be fine by the afternoon, though there was still her car to figure out. But he wanted her to stay. She just… she made things better. Like with the food. Tess took his basic ingredients and made a dinner so delicious he was a little ashamed of how badly he'd been eating lately. Too much time at the district meant he'd been having a lot of takeout so even though all she did was fry sausages, roast some broccoli and pop some butter on top of rice it was the best meal he'd had in weeks. Maybe because she cooked with love, something he'd been sorely lacking for a while now.

And just like that all his longing for solitude became a longing for Tess, the one person who had always been able to make him feel wanted.

Make him want to be seen.

He tried to be annoyed at that, and she fucking knew it too, just like they both knew he was failing. So screw it. He might as well make the most of the time he had with her before he lost her again. So they ate and fought over who would do the dishes, a bullshit argument because it was whoever hadn't cooked but they had it every time, every time she cooked, the routine so familiar it was like riding a bike, like breathing, so simple and automatic that even with all the distance between them he still knew how she was going to react before she did.

"Pick up four."

"Fuck. You." He said mimicking her tone as she begrudgingly picked them up, grinning at her scowl. "Not so easy to beat me anymore is it?"

"It's a game of chance."

"You never say that when you're winning."

"Because when I win it's a game of skill."

He just laughed when she kicked him, t giving Feyre a couple of victory pats. He'd never believed the nonsense that certain breeds were just bad, it was always on the owner but he'd still been a little nervous around her. Until he'd realized she was just as big of a sweetheart as her owner. He'd made Tess fry a couple of the sausages for her and had still ended up giving her some off his plate and now she was sprawled out between them, her head on Tess's lap and her tail thumping happily against his leg.

"All good?" He asked when he caught Tess rolling her eyes at her phone, confused by her slight flush until she explained.

"Just Lydia checking in."

Ah.

Her aunt was as much of a firecracker as his, the first time he'd officially taken Tess out she had tripped her so she could beat her to the door, an image that still made him chuckle. That was the only reason he felt bad about Tess being stuck here, the older woman had always been kind to him and he didn't want her to be alone on Christmas but if the growing pink on her niece's cheeks was any indication she was just fine with the change of plans.

Fuck he loved that blush.

Loved seeing her in his sweatpants and her tank top because the cabin had finally warmed up, her hair piled on top of her head in a messy bun as she relaxed against the couch- he loved seeing her at ease. Knowing she still felt that way around him, even if it did confuse him. Maybe she hadn't felt the same way he had but she'd felt something, so how had it been so easy for her to walk away?

"How's she doing?" He asked casually but he caught her shoulders stiffening.

"She's good." She said with a nod, seeming to choose her words before she continued. "She's still working at the museum but she's done a few more archaeological digs which she's really enjoyed."

"That's awesome. She always spoke really fondly of the ones she'd done in the past. She move too?"

This time Tess outright froze but she was quick to cover it up. Quicker than he remembered. "Yeah, a few years ago."

"I'm surprised."

"Why?"

Oh yeah, that was definitely a note of defensiveness, and maybe a reason to back off but there was enough hurt inside him that Jay decided to do the opposite. "Because she loved the Brownstone- I'm pretty sure she told me she wanted to be buried in the backyard. I can't imagine what would have made her want to leave."

And now he felt like an asshole.

Tess had clearly changed, had gotten a lot better at hiding her emotions, her very reactions but he'd always had a… a sense of her. That little tug in his heart. And right now it was telling him he'd just hurt her far deeper than he'd intended.

That he'd intended to at all was the worst part.

"I'm sorry, it's none of my-"

"You were her friend too." She said quietly, wryly and… guiltily. "The truth is I made her move. There was a… threat against me and I was worried someone would go after her. Of course she didn't listen to me until someone actually did-"

"What? Is-"

"She's okay."

Lydia might be.

But was Tess?

"And you?"

Her face might've been confident but her shrug told him the answer was more complicated. "I'm always okay. I think she needs to pee though so I'm going to take her outside."

So was the way she abruptly ended the conversation but this time he let it go, with an absentminded warning to be careful she or Feyre didn't accidentally wander onto the snow covered but not entirely frozen river, partly because he didn't want to upset her further and partly because his head was whirling. Was that why she'd stopped coming home?

To him?