"It's not that bad."

He shot Tess a sideways stare but she just shrugged.

"Hey, I'm Canadian. Plus I just came from a place called 'Winterpeg, Manisnowba'. This is not a lot of snow, it's just… more than there was yesterday."

He held back his comment that she'd merely stopped over in that city and where she lived was notoriously the northern country's warmest province, deciding it was too early to get into the debate that would come if he did. Tess might have dual citizenship but she had a clear preference- he wouldn't be surprised if there was actual maple sugar in her blood.

"Well then let's get going." He said with a glance down at Feyre, her excited tapping making him chuckle. Originally he'd been worried about bringing her but it'd warmed up enough that she should be fine, especially since Tess had put her in her sweater from last night; of course that meant she was now dressed in his sweatpants and one of his hoodies but he was trying not to think about that.

Or how easy it was for her to get inside his head.

Or how hard it was for him to get her out.

Between the two of them shovelling a path out to his truck only took about twenty minutes, they'd only gotten maybe two to three inches and it wasn't that heavy, and it probably would've gone faster if they hadn't taken breaks to play with Feyre who was joyfully frolicking around them. Jay honestly couldn't think of a better word to describe the way she danced through the snow, whining at them to throw it on her so she could jump up and bite it, so excited her butt hadn't stopped wiggling. He'd always liked dogs so between her and her owner he was starting to feel decidedly ungrinch-like and that… that had him feeling decidedly displeased.

He didn't like that it was so easy for one person to affect him so much and after what she'd said last night he really didn't like that she might have stayed away to keep herself or even him safe, and he really didn't like how if that were true it would mean the fault in their decayed relationship was on him for never checking on her. But most of all he didn't like how scared he was to lose her again.

Which was why he couldn't tell if he was hoping she would or wouldn't be able to leave; the odds seemed to favour the latter, his truck had four-wheel drive but she hadn't been able to get one that did and the roads were not great. He'd almost gotten stuck a couple times but refused her suggestion they go back, fueled by that combination of anger and need to find out what she'd choose if the choice to stay or go was hers. But then he saw her car and that feeling cooled. Fast. There'd been several scattering the highway but it was easily in the worst condition, and it was about ten miles from his cabin which was a lot farther than he'd expected her to have walked in those conditions. There were closer houses too but then she'd been walking blind. It was also firmly entrenched in the ditch, almost invisible thanks to the snowdrift covering it and the way the back end was smashed in… They were so lucky she hadn't been hurt worse.

And that asshole was so lucky he'd gotten away with hurting her.

"Good thing I got one in red huh?"

He just nodded, that was the only reason they'd been able to spot it, glancing at Feyre as he went to hop out. "You stay."

The dog whined and looked at Tess but she backed him and when he rapped his knuckles against the door and told her 'his truck, his rules' she grumbled but sat down, with her nose smushed up against the window to watch them.

"To be clear-"

"I'm not going to try and drive it." Tess said with a roll of her eyes, followed by another, more exaggerated one when he insisted on going down the embankment first, though she accepted his help when it was her turn. "Looks like you're stuck with me Jack."

"I can drive you in once it clears."

She just shook her head, and turned away so he couldn't see her face and Jay hated both that she didn't give a clear answer and how much his heart leapt when he wondered why she might not have.

He was as whipped as that fucking dog.

And like Fey he stood guard as she started digging around in the backseat, laughing when she got a clump of snow down the back of her neck, after not listening to him when he said she should clear the roof off a bit more. So bad at following anyone's directions but her own. Except for those times she liked being bossed around. Shoving his hand in the snow to clear his head he took her purse when she passed it out, then a small bag that seemed to be full of the dog's things, then raised his brows when she hauled out a decently sized duffle bag.

"What happened to you liking to pack light? How much do you need for a weekend trip?"

"It's not just a weekend trip." She said with another flush creeping across her cheeks, one that wasn't because of the cold. "My contract with my last company isn't getting renewed."

"What did you do?" He asked, because he knew that guilty look, just as well as he knew the indignant one that followed.

"I punched the CEO in the face but he was a sexist asshole who would not stop putting his hand on my back, my lower back, even after I made it explicitly clear I didn't like that. And he was stupid. I thought private work was the way to go but…"

But she was struggling to find her place.

Now that he understood. But if this wasn't just a short trip…

"So… you're moving back?"

Tess's eyes flicked to his and then quickly away but Jay swore he got a glimpse of the same hope that filled him. "Maybe. Lydia wants me to and I have a friend from MIT who owns a thinktank in the city- he's been trying to get me to work with him for years I just… gotta make sure it's gonna work, you know?"

The job? Or Chicago?

Or something else?

But he held his questions in and just grabbed the bag from her, which she tried to insist he didn't need to do and which he regretted when he tripped on the way back up and got a face full of snow. Her laugh broke the tension and he finally agreed to let her take the lighter ones, throwing them all in his backseat before they headed back. And then they just… hung out. It was already December 23rd so there was still a chance she'd make it to the city for Christmas but when she called Lydia to check in and the other woman demanded to talk to him she'd told him firmly, and with a definitive note of eagerness that they should stay there and 'keep each other company'. She'd also made him promise to take care of 'their' girl, something he hadn't been able to correct without giving away what she was saying or sounding like an asshole.

Something he didn't know if he wanted to correct.

Tess… she had always felt like his. Even if he'd only seen her once or twice a year in between her assignments she'd always come to see him, always turned to him when something was wrong.

Until she hadn't.

And he was still too much of a coward to ask why. To get an answer that would destroy all the hard work he'd put in the last few months trying to build himself back up. Jay kept telling himself he could ask later, once she'd decided whether she was going to stay, if she decided to stay, and if he decided he was ready to be vulnerable again. But that meant their conversations were pretty limited. Feyre was a great distraction, though she did have a knack of getting them very close to each other, and while Tess had own books unlike him she could only go so long without talking so when she tired of the silence they played Crazy Eight Countdown. It was the first game they'd ever played together, the one they always went back to and that made it hard to not get caught up in all those old memories.

Which was why he both craved and dreaded sleep. It meant they were in separate rooms so he could finally breathe without constantly inhaling her soothing yet intoxicating scent of vanilla and blackberry but then he missed it, feeling like a dog himself when he gave Feyre extra cuddles so he could get a whiff whenever she came in to check on him, which was often. She seemed confused they weren't sleeping together and even tried to bring him to her but as tempted as he was that was where he drew the line.

For his own sanity he had to.

"You're a mean one, Mr. Grinch."

He rolled his eyes when Tess turned and narrowed hers at his, trying very hard to get him in the holiday spirit.

Or maybe just to piss him off, both were equally likely.

"You really are a heel! You're as cuddly as a cactus, you're as charming as an eel, Mr. Grinch! You're a bad banana with a, greasy black peel!"

She kept going, having moved on from the Jack Frost songs since she didn't know those as well, dancing around the kitchen while she made cookies, the ingredients she'd managed to scrounge up so old he was honestly a little worried. But it was Christmas Eve and she'd wanted to make them, and he'd wanted to make her happy, so he told her to go nuts but he was starting to regret that.

"You have all the tender sweetness of a seasick crocodile," And there went her hands over her heart, she was really committed to this performance, she'd even tied some fucking sticks to Feyre's head to mimic the Grinch's dog Max which had gotten him to smile, mostly because she kept trying to chew on them. "… given a choice between the two of you, I'd take the seasick crocodile!"

This time Jay gave her a deadpan look as she serenaded him, either unable or not bothering to hide her smirk. Probably the latter.

She'd always had a knack for knowing how to piss him off.

And had always enjoyed doing so.

"Your heart's a dead tomato splotched with moldy purple spots, Mr. Grinch! Your soul is an appalling dump heap, overflowing with the most disgraceful assortment of deplorable rubbish imaginable, mangled up in tangled up knots!"

He was getting really close to throwing her speaker out the window but not only would she kick his ass if he tried there was no saying she wouldn't just connect to some nearby radio tower. This shouldn't even be getting him this angry but this fucking song… he knew she wasn't singing about him, Tess could be pushy but she'd never been cruel but he'd told her the comparison bothered him. Because it was right.

Your soul is an appalling dump heap?

Mangled up in tangled up knots?

Didn't get much more accurate to how he'd been feeling lately and though he had been doing better after seeing the therapist those wounds were deep. And still tender. Like the scar he had on his knee from when his convoy had been attacked in Afghanistan that twinged every time it was going to rain- some pain just didn't go away because contrary to what people said time couldn't heal everything. It just made you more numb.

Or in his case a grump.

"With arsenic sauuuce!"

He waited until she was done, until the song was officially over and then he shut the speaker off before he had to see what she had queued up next.

"Hey!"

"I let you make fun of me for long enough." He retorted, mindful of his tone as he grabbed the whiskey bottle off the counter. "Don't push your luck or I'll toss you outside."

"No you won't."

No, he wouldn't.

He'd put himself out though; he'd done enough stakeouts in his truck he could last hours in there. And when Jay saw her side-eying him as he poured his drink he grew tempted to do it.

"Time for another already?"

He toasted her while he worked on unclenching his jaw, still having to take a breath before he answered. "I've got a headache now."

"Is that a comment on my singing?"

He definitely wasn't going to answer that but he did bring the whiskey bottle over to the couch, pleased when he saw her furrowed brows before she had him making the same face.

"Really getting in the bah-humbug spirit there huh?"

"I told you I wasn't going to be good company."

"That you did." She said quietly, a lot more subdued as she went back to placing the cookie dough on the baking sheets and the sight of her turning her back snapped the hold he'd been keeping on himself.

"I also said I'd drive you back."

Tess froze and he watched her slowly nod, anticipation thrumming through his veins when she wiped her hands.

She'd always been good for a fight.

"Yeah, you did." She replied as she turned back around, her face just as mulish as his own probably was but with a quiet softness in her eyes that made him want to scream- the last thing Jay wanted from anyone was pity but especially her. "And now I'm wishing I'd taken you up on it because you seem determined to keep your head shoved up your ass."

"I don't really know why you care." Her eyes narrowed again as he threw back the rest of his glass, partly to piss her off and partly because he was a little worried he'd throw it.

Especially because for a good thirty seconds she was silent until she slowly nodded again, the action spiking his temper. "Clearly."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means clearly you think very little of me."

"I think little of you?" He choked out, jumping off the couch with the same aggression she shoved those damn cookies into the oven with. "I'm not the one who disappeared without a fucking trace. What part of that tells me you give a damn about me?"

"And what part of you not sending a single fucking text to make sure I was even alive tells me you ever gave a damn about me?" Tess shot back and now all that softness was replaced by hurt.

The same kind he felt.

He knew because when his heart gave a painful tug she winced at the same time.

And maybe she could sense that or maybe she just didn't like them fighting but Feyre started whining and this time the sight of those fucking sticks on her head made him want to cry because all he could think about was how bright a smile Tess had given him when she'd done it. Because she'd done it for him.

And he'd yelled at her for it.

"Come on girl."

"You are not-"

"Oh fuck you, I'm not leaving, I'm taking her outside to piss. But for record I walked fifteen fucking kilometres to get here so if I didn't want to be, I wouldn't!" With a loud slam of the door she was gone but he barely heard it over her words ringing in his ears.

To get here.

She'd come here on purpose?

She knew where his cabin was, she'd been here once before but she couldn't have known he'd be here. And she couldn't have anticipated getting rearended but once she had and she'd known where she was… She'd come here. She'd walked fifteen fucking kilometres in a snowstorm, ten more than she'd had to because… because why?

Because it was just a place she knew she'd be safe?

Or because it was his place?

He needed to know.

But as soon as he caught a glimpse of Tess through the window with her arms wrapped tightly around her waist Jay decided he could wait a few minutes. They could do this in a screaming match and part of him wanted just that but the other part, the bigger part wanted to do it right. He was tired of hurting people. Tired of hurting himself. So he shoved the whiskey as far into a cupboard as he could, so he'd have to get on his hands and fucking knees if he wanted it and then sat back on the couch, his hands clasped together tightly as he took slow, deep breaths and let the sound of Feyre's little yips calm him. Just like she was probably trying to do for Tess. She was a sweet little thing, just like her owner and suddenly he couldn't stop from wondering what it would be like if they did share a room again, a bed, whether she'd sleep at their feet or curled up between them.

And then in an instant those barks turned frantic and that dream shattered. Jay was at the window before he knew it and he calmed slightly when he saw Feyre, dancing around a… black circle? A hole in the snow.

In the ice.

They'd wandered onto the river.

"TESS!"

He was out the door so fast he didn't even put shoes on but it didn't matter; the only thing he cared about was getting to Tess as fast as he could. He could see her now, clinging to the edge, there was no current in this part of the river thank God but the water was still below zero and if it had broken under her weight… it didn't matter.

He would get her out.

"Fey, get back! Go!"

"Come!" Jay ordered and though the dog wavered she listened, dancing around him but staying on the shore as he began to crawl onto the ice.

"Jay don-"

"Shut up!"

Shut up, shut up, shut up and don't die.

I can't lose you again.

And then she went under again. Not completely, just her head but it still made him panic until he saw her leg lifting out of the water and sliding onto the ice beside her. That was his girl. She never went down without a fight, but nature was the ultimate beast. She got one leg and one arm out but when she went to pull the rest of her body forwards the ice gave way and this time when he screamed her name his throat felt raw, so thick with terror he wasn't even sure anything came out. He was only halfway to her, she must've been blind in her own anger because she gotten almost to the middle of the river, where the ice was thinnest and though everything in him told him to just get up and run, to get her out of there as fast as possible his instincts knew better, knew he couldn't save her if he too went under so he kept his pace, his heart filling with pride when he watched her try again, her eyes bright with the same resolve.

The next time the ice broke just her legs went down but by that point he was close enough he risked lunging forward to grab her arm, his grip so tight she'd have bruises tomorrow but so long as there was a tomorrow it didn't matter.

Nothing mattered but making sure she was safe.

Which was why when she went down a third time he held on even when the ice under his own chest broke too, despite her nearly successful attempt to push him away.

"Don't you fucking dare try that again." Jay growled after he yanked them back up, hit with another wave of terror when the look she shot back said she absolutely would if she thought it would save him.

But it wasn't just the two of them anymore. A sharp tug on his calf had him looking back to find Feyre pulling on his leg, her grip not so tight she broke skin but enough that he too would have marks in the morning but he'd bear them gladly.

He'd break all the fucking ice on this river if that was what it took.

But they'd finally gotten to where it was thick enough it could support them both and with every inch he rose onto his knees he gathered her further into his arms, scared he would drop her she was shaking so badly. But he didn't have far to go and the second Fey was in he kicked the door shut behind them, quickly lowering Tess down before he spun her so her back was to his chest and then he yanked off her shirt, she was just in a t-shirt for fucks sake, taking her bra off too before he pushed down her jeans and underwear. Her undress didn't bother him, though he couldn't stop his eyes from lingering on some new tattoos but when he realized she wasn't the one shaking that did, as did the way her head lolled against his shoulder not to mention the blue hue of her skin so he hurriedly wrapped her in a blanket, absentmindedly tugging off his own shirt while he sat them as close to the fire as he thought was reasonably safe, throwing a couple more logs on before he wrapped another blanket around them.

She was okay now.

It was okay, she was okay.

He had her.

"I'm sorry."

"Ssshh." Jay held Tess tighter at her quiet rasp, doing his best to warm her as he looked around for Feyre to help. The dog was just out of reach, intentionally so by the way her ears were back, her eyes as big and sad as her owners when she thought she was in trouble, a comical but heartrending sight with those fucking sticks still on her head. "C'mere girl. Come on."

Nothing.

Until Tess stretched out a hand, pushing against him until she was almost totally bent over at the waist and then she came shuffling over, tail tight between her legs.

"It's not your fault baby. It's not your fault." She said it over and over, her arms wrapped too feebly around her neck; for a second he was relieved when he felt her trembling, it was a sign she was getting warm but then he realized she wasn't.

She was just crying.

And then he heard what else she was mumbling and his heart broke right in two.

It's mine.

It's all my fault.

"No, Tess-"

"It is! Everything is my fault, I ruined it all-"

Jay couldn't bear it. He hated the sound of her crying, that agonized hiccup and the fucking tiny, accepting sigh so he did the only thing he could think of, the thing he had always done when she was in pain and he didn't know how to help.

He kissed her.