He'd almost forgotten what it felt like. Almost. It didn't matter how much time had passed the way her lips melded against his was as familiar as that little noise she made, as much a part of him as his still thundering heart, the one that only began to calm when he felt her fingers press against it through the thin blanket, weak but still trying to dig in. They were also colder than he liked but they warmed quickly under his, as did her cheek and her lips, every part of her that touched him. That he touched. So when he pulled back to let her breathe and she sought them again he gave them to her, pulling her in so she was cradled against his chest, the frame that was normally just a couple inches shorter than his own seeming so small curled into him like this, another reminder of how close he'd come to losing her. Again. He wrapped his arms even tighter around her to prove it hadn't happened, that he hadn't done nothing this time, burrowing his head in her hair for another reminder but he didn't just smell vanilla, or pine or ice. He smelt… burning.

A quick look confirmed it wasn't her hair, or any part of her though he scooted them a little farther back from the fire, making Feyre move too when he felt how warm her fur was but that still wasn't where the smell was coming from. It wasn't until he looked to his left and saw smoke coming from out of the oven that it dawned on him.

The fucking cookies.

"Oh no."

He didn't know if he should laugh or cry at Tess's quiet whimper, probably the latter given how sad she sounded and he put her down as carefully but as quickly as he could before he hurried over, thanks to her belatedly remembering to grab an oven mitt before he pulled the cookies out.

What had been cookies.

What might have been because really she hadn't been working with great ingredients to begin with but now…

"They're ruined aren't they?"

He looked over just in time to see her face crumple before she buried it back in Feyre's neck, angrily tugging off those antlers and throwing them towards, but thankfully not in the fire and the action shattered his heart into two more pieces.

"They're really not that bad." He tried to assure her, a little generous in his assessment but if it would make her smile again he'd eat every last one of them. "Some are goners but most of them should be-"

"Thrown in the fucking river." He heard her mumble and it wasn't just the exhaustion in her voice that had him quickly making his way back to her it was the familiar note of self-loathing, feeling like someone had just shoved a knife in what was left of his heart when he saw the miserable way she looked at him, when he made her look at him. "I'm sorry Jay. I'm so-"

He couldn't bear any more apologies so he kissed her again, it had always been the easiest and quickest way to quiet her and it worked now but when he pulled away she had that also familiar mulish expression.

"You can't keep doing that."

"I think I can." He teased, his relief at her little smile vanishing when he saw her get the same thought he did.

Could he?

Was that still his place?

That fear that she might say no was as strong as ever, stronger but he ignored it to tuck some loose strands of hair behind her ear, his heart clenching when her eyes fluttered. "I'm going to do it until you tell me to stop."

"Are you going to let me apologize?" Tess asked after a moment, half teasing but mostly serious, her lips wobbling as she ran a finger down his cheek and along his jaw, the effort seeming to drain her. Or maybe that was her own guilt and fear. "You deserved so much better."

"You did-"

"We did."

They had.

But the past was the past and neither one of them could change it. But what about what they deserved now?

"I'll forgive you if you forgive me?"

"Already done."

The relief and release Jay got hearing her say that had him pulling her in for another kiss. Three, a firm one on her lips, a hard one on her forehead then a featherlight one on the bruise on her temple and then he pressed their heads together, tangling his fingers in her hair like he could get any closer; for a few minutes they just breathed each other in until she shuddered, shivered, a stark reminder of the reason for their apologies. She might not be quite as blue anymore but he quickly scooped her up, throwing two more logs on the fire before he moved them to the couch, laying her down with her cheek pressed right over his heart and then he threw another blanket on top of her and called Feyre up, smiling when she settled between their legs, her head resting on Tess's butt.

"Jay?"

"Yeah?"

Again it took effort for her to move, and he had to help, shifting her until she could look him in the eye, her own that vibrant, depthless sapphire that was as wild as the ocean and as tender as her gentle whisper. "Will you kiss me again?"

Yes.

Always.

I will never stop again.

He thought all those things but said none of them, just pulled her up so he could put his lips back on hers and the little hum she let out when he was done, when she lay back down and started rubbing her nose into the hollow of his throat, he swore it made his heart grow three sizes.

Who else could get through to the grinch but Cindy Loo Who?

She had a lot of fucking hair.

It wasn't even as long as he'd ever seen it, five years ago it had been down to the middle of her back and now it was just a couple inches past her collarbone but it was just as thick, and currently knotted. Jay spent an hour after she fell asleep slowly detangling it, purposefully taking his time to savour every brush of his fingers through the raven locks, and making a pretty crazy pile of the strands he pulled out but it didn't bother him. It never had. He loved playing with her hair, with girls hair in general, probably because he used to braid his mothers as a child but Tess's was his favourite; in addition to making her eyes pop the jet black always reflected the light so beautifully, whether that was silver moonlight or golden sunlight or the ruby red of the fire.

She hadn't been burned by it earlier but she had been burned by something.

There was a mark that looked like someone had taken a car lighter to her behind her left ear, almost like they'd been going for her throat but she'd moved at the last second, or maybe that was just his brain making up worst case scenarios. Except he knew the kind of dangerous positions she'd put herself in, and now he knew they'd followed her home.

He couldn't believe he'd missed it the last two days but her hair had been covering it, not to mention he hadn't felt comfortable getting this close to her but now he was free to explore. Somewhat. He tried to stay as still as possible, she'd always been a light sleeper but like always whenever she stirred he was able to lull her back to sleep with a soft whisper and a few gentle strokes along her back, maybe taking more pride in that than he should but after how hard he'd been on himself Jay decided it was okay. And when the heat of the fire grew too much and he folded back the thick blanket on top of her he decided it was okay to push back the other one too, just a bit, just enough so he could see those new tattoos.

She'd always had a thing for ink.

He knew about the quote from her parents behind her right ear, and the outline of her beloved Canada on her ribs and of course the Hindi quote on her finger, the lioness on her left hip and the map of the universe on her right forearm, a lot of ink already but there were more. He'd spotted something else celestial looking on her right thigh and something colourful between her breasts in those brief moments he'd undressed her, neither of which he could see right now but that was okay because her back gave him plenty to look at. It was a work of art, three, and though two were clearly paired all of them went together, a message he felt in his core. He focused on the two on her shoulders first, a little hard to do upside down but he managed, especially when with a bit of stretching he was able to grab his phone off the table to snap a couple pictures, plus a quick one of her sleeping face. On the right was a beautiful, darkhaired woman looking as carefree as could be as she blew a stream of bubbles towards the being on the left, a skeleton that somehow exuded peace, and was likewise blowing a stream of bubbles back.

Life and Death.

Her life and her death, and as uncomfortable as the latter made him he couldn't help but smile when he looked at it.

What else would she think they'd be doing?

It wasn't lost on him that only the one on the right had any marks on it, a few scars and another burn while the one on the left was untouched, almost eerily so. And between them… a sword. Long and elegant and screaming strength, with the hilt at the base of her spine and the tip stopping just before it would pop those bubbles.

His little warrior.

Not so little anymore, not with all those scars but then she never had been. And even though he was so proud of her for all that strength after he'd looked his full Jay covered them back up, not wanting to play the game of fill-in-the-blanks until it was time to learn the actual stories behind them. That wouldn't be for a while, she was still passed out but he couldn't find sleep himself, though he also didn't really try; after all the time they'd spent apart he wanted to soak in every second he was with her, slowly starting to believe that this could last. She hadn't said she was staying and there was still a big part of him that was afraid she wouldn't but he'd already lost her once, and had almost just lost her a second time- if it had to happen again he was going to fight as hard as he could to stop it.

Some time later a soft whine caught his attention but when he looked her over he realized it was Feyre, looking from him to the door and back again with a wiggle that told him exactly what she needed. He didn't really want to move, Tess was warm and soft and he was loathe to put any distance between them but not only did the dog need to go she'd helped save both their lives last night. The least he could do was not make her wait.

The most would start with frying the rest of the sausages up for her later.

As carefully as he could he slipped out from under Tess, making sure the blankets were still tucked around her before he threw on a hoodie and slipped outside with Feyre. It was still cold out but the crisp dawn air was a nice break from the stifling heat of the cabin, which he'd let cool down now that Tess seemed fine. Still he stayed close, watching from the porch as Feyre shot what could only be described as a glare at the river before she went towards the treeline in the opposite direction, doing her business before she started rolling in the snow, like him needing to cool down. But also like him wanting to get back to their girl as fast as possible, but apparently not fast enough.

The first thing he saw when they slipped back inside was Tess sitting upright on the couch, one hand on her head while the other held the thin blanket around her, very loosely but he pulled his eyes away from the glimpses of skin and focused on her look of confusion that was quickly traded for one of relief when she saw them.

"Hi."

"Hi." He said softly, taking a moment to watch her and Feyre give each other kisses, the dog hopping up behind her when he knelt before her. "How are you feeling?"

"Really hot."

"We had to warm you up."

She just nodded, making that humming noise as she leant in so her head rested on his shoulder, her fingers trailing up and down the open zipper of his hoodie. "There's something very sexy about a barefoot, bare-chested man wearing only jeans and a hoodie."

Jay couldn't hold in his laugh but he was quick to run his own hand through her hair when she blushed; she never had much of a filter but it was even less so when she was tired. "Thank you. There's something very sexy about a naked woman wrapped in a small blanket."

"So we're both very sexy."

"We are."

"And… we're both very sorry."

"More than you will ever know." He said quietly and though it made him uncomfortable he knew she felt the same way.

"I should have told you-"

"Tess, we don't have to re-hash this-"

"Someone threatened you."

They'd what?

Lydia made sense, that was her family, and her primary residence, but how had they known about him?

And what exactly had they threatened?

"Not directly, not that first time but they… they said if they couldn't get to me they'd go after my friends." She said seriously, that teasing light he loved so much dimmed under the weight of her guilt. "The ones in green and the ones in blue."

That sounded pretty direct to him.

And that had been the first time. He had so many questions, how many times, what other threats, how many had been acted on, what had she done to keep him, to keep herself safe but he didn't want to ask any of them. Not right now. Right now the world was quiet and he didn't want to break that calm, but there was something he needed to say.

"I am so sorry I never looked for you."

Tess just smiled and nodded and he could see that while his silence had hurt her like she'd said last night she'd forgiven him a long time ago. Maybe if he'd learned to work through his shit he would have too.

Maybe if he had she wouldn't have almost died.

Maybe she would have come home sooner.

"Jay…" She took a deep breath as she looked him over, so close he could see every fleck in her eyes, could feel the hitch in her voice that made his own catch. "Would you want me to stay?"

"Yes."

"Would you want… me?"

"Yes." He said hoarsely, so captivated by her eyes searching his he nearly fell back when she lunged forward, her arms wrapping around his neck as fiercely as her lips sought his.

Yes. Yes. Yes.

And then she shuddered and his thoughts switched to no, what if she was still hurt, she needed to rest, she needed-

"I need you."

That was all Jay needed and in one movement he stood and pulled her with him, groaning both at her hands diving into his hair and at the blanket that caught around her waist, hastily tugging it off as he headed for his bedroom, pausing only when he heard the patter of tiny feet following behind.

"Stay." He pulled his mouth away long enough to give Feyre a kind but still firm stare, holding it until she lowered her head and went back to the couch and then swallowing Tess's little giggle as he continued on.

Fuck he loved her laugh.

But right now there were other sounds he wanted her to make, like the one she let out when he ran a hand over her ass and between her legs, letting out another groan when he felt the wetness already gathering. It wasn't a long walk to his bedroom but despite the need that was building up inside him he took it a little slower to tease her and to enjoy her soft moans, eager to hear more, to get them louder; thinking of all the things he wanted to hear made him think of all the things he wanted to see but he hesitated when he went to flip on his bedside lamp and saw her in the moonlight. She was so beautiful. And so his. And when she grabbed his head to take his mouth he knew he was hers.

And fuck did he love how she showed him. The way she arched her back to grind her core against his, slow and steady but firm, like the way her hands dragged over his body as she pushed his hoodie off, her eyes so dark they were almost black as they hungrily raked over him. Fuck he loved the way she looked at him. And the sight of her, pink lips, pink peaks and pink lips… All he wanted was to spend hours worshipping each set but the hard throb of his cock told him that wasn't going to happen. Not right now, maybe not for a little while until the rush of having her again wasn't completely overwhelming but they'd get there. But not right now. Right now Jay slid an arm under her to hike her up the bed so she lay properly, so that wild raven hair was spread across his pillow and then he gave her the deepest kiss yet, full of the promise he'd made years ago and the one he'd just made in the living room.

To whatever end.

Together.

And then he went straight for those peaks. He didn't have the patience to stay there long but he made sure to fill his hands with her, to pinch and pull those little buds until they were tight and then to suck them until they were swollen, nipping a little harder than he meant to but it was hard to be careful; not only was she literally begging him for it her hands were fisted in his hair to pull him closer. So closer he went, down to the wetness that had soaked the front of his jeans, one long, slow lick to both savour and tease before he went straight for the source, his cock going so hard it hurt at the guttural moan she let out. He was tempted to make her finish now, it wasn't like he couldn't do it again and the taste of her on his tongue was already driving him mad, not to mention the hard rock of her hips told him she definitely wanted it.

But like him Tess also wanted more, wanted it now and while he was still deciding she let out another noise and grabbed his head, surging up to meet him in a fierce kiss before she fell back and brought him with her, at the same taking him firmly in her hand. For a second Jay let her guide him, let her show him exactly where she wanted him and then he pinned her hands above her head, something animalistic coming out of him when she spread her thighs in response. And then he was done. With one smooth thrust he was inside her and then it was thrust after thrust and kiss after kiss, their hands roaming everywhere, from her head down her sides to her thighs, hiking them higher until they slipped under back and he sat them both up. Now he was as deep inside her as he could get, could touch whatever part of her he wanted and he did. His breaths were so ragged they drowned out hers but he just went harder until she was louder, until she shook and froze and exploded and then he followed after her, filling her with everything he had until he finally collapsed, remembering at the last second to turn so he didn't squash her.

It was just as primal an action but softer, not the need to take or have but to care. It was what had him rolling from his back to his side when he caught her struggling to lift her head, that he rolled with her back to the wall and his to the door instinct too, just like the way her hand came up to cup his jaw as they caught their breath.

"Hey Jay?" She whispered after a couple minutes, he'd actually thought she'd fallen asleep but when her eyes fluttered open he saw she was wide awake; mostly, hazy off sex and definitely drowsy but still trying to linger in the moment.

"Yeah?"

"Merry Christmas Jack."

He grinned and pulled her in for another kiss, pulling her as close as he could. "Merry Christmas Cindy Loo."

"Well look at that. Mr. Ba-humbug is…" Everyone looked at Adam as he grinned as Jay took his seat at his desk, the whole bullpen going silent as they waited for him to finish. "… not a Ba-humbug anymore."

"Good one." Jay told his friend with a smirk while Kevin, Kim and Hailey just shook their heads, turning to look at Al behind him when he chimed in.

"Well you're certainly smiling more than you were when we left. What were you visited by a trio of Christmas ghosts?"

This time he grinned. The comparison was pretty accurate, not only because that was Tess's nickname among military and hacker circles but because she did represent his past and present.

And most importantly his future.

"Something like that." He said with a shrug, not quite ready to share her with anyone yet; he'd gotten enough teasing from Lydia yesterday.

"Oh no, I know that smile. That's a girl smile." Kevin said excitedly and this time it was his turn to shake his head, accidentally making eye contact with Antonio when he did.

His old mentor was the only one who'd met Tess but despite it only being a handful of times years ago it didn't take him long to figure out she was the cause of his happiness.

She always left an impression.

"Nah." Antonio said with a smirk. "That's the girl smile."

Jay just grinned and shrugged again when everyone's curious looks turned his way, content to let them wonder.

Now that Tess was staying there was plenty of time.