Title: Denial is River in Egypt
Rating: K
Category: General
Season: 7 and 8
Episode: 7.13 – Grace to 8.18 – Threads
Summary: Sam's subconscious thoughts through the events of Grace through to Threads. Canon compliant, at least as I see it.
Pairing: Sam/Jack
Beta: None
Content warning: Sam/Pete as per canon.
NOTES – Italics are Sam's subconscious thoughts.
Season 7 Episode 13 - Grace
Sam wakes up to the familiar surroundings of the infirmary and notices HIM. She relaxes, knowing that he's near. The memory of the hallucinated kiss runs through her mind. Of course, he's here, he's always here when she's been injured, or otherwise confined to a sick bed. Her heart swells and she forgets herself for a moment.
"Jack"
"Excuse me?"
He seems almost angry at her for using his name and she doesn't understand why.
"Sorry Sir." she apologizes.
"Yes, well, a massive concussion will tend to disorient one."
She understands that it's a rare occurrence for her to call him by his given name, but his reaction seems callous. Memories of their reunion on Edora flash through her mind. Pain floods her body, and she convinces herself that it's from her physical injuries.
Were the feelings they had both admitted to during the Zatarc incident once again one-sided?
SJ*SJ*SJ*SJ*SJ*SJ*SJ
Season 7 Episode 15 - Chimera
She's humming. And he's made a point of letting her know he's noticed it. The atmosphere in the elevator ride goes from the standard amount of mild tension, to downright awkward.
Consciously, Sam's not exactly sure why she's humming. Though that's not strictly true - she knows the 'why', that logically she should be happily humming, but it's the 'when' that doesn't make sense. There was no humming while she'd showered that morning, no humming during the drive to the mountain. No humming at any point until right now, when she's alone with HIM. And to her ears, there's just something off, something forced, about the tone. But she doesn't think too hard about it, actively avoiding the existence of that train of thought.
She answers his questions until he steps off the elevator and walks away.
He hadn't seemed jealous. Maybe he really didn't care anymore.
SJ*SJ*SJ*SJ*SJ*SJ*SJ
She sees the big banner in the background saying "Happy 50th Anniversary Harry and Mary." Does he know these people? Surely, he must, she thinks. No one would be stupid enough to gate crash someone's 50th anniversary party. She supposes that perhaps the party organizers didn't book out the whole venue. That would make sense. Still, she feels like they're intruding. Plastering on a happy face, she moves towards their table. She was going to enjoy herself. Yep, having fun, we're having fun. Discomfort ripples through her body, but she ignores the signals.
He's not HIM.
Sam goes through the motions of the evening, allowing the low light, music, and many, many glasses of wine to weave a delusion in her mind.
This is what normal women do. They go on dates. They let guys think that they're amazing because they spend a little bit of money on cliché things like roses and dancing.
When they pull up at her house, she plays along with the stereotypical script. This is how it goes. She ploughs through with the gusto she would put into any undercover mission. He mistakes her haste for passion.
In the cold light of day, and without alcohol to cloud her judgement, she's stung by his attitude. She would have thought a law enforcement officer would understand and respect the need for confidentiality. He just cares, she thinks. He's just worried about you. That's logical, right?
HE would never belittle her this way.
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Pete had followed her. And he'd gotten himself injured in the process. She settled for feeling annoyed. That was suitable for the situation. It didn't even occur to her to feel dread that he could have died, nor relief that he was alive. She didn't acknowledge that she simply wasn't invested in Pete as a person. So she was annoyed.
Holy Hannah! This isn't right. Surely good men don't go around following the women they're dating.
SJ*SJ*SJ*SJ*SJ*SJ*SJ
Season 8 Episode 7 - Affinity
"What about you? If things had been different ... "
In the context of this situation, it's not something anyone who genuinely wanted to accept a marriage proposal would be asking of another man. Yet, she asks anyway, somehow convincing herself that it's a perfectly reasonable question.
"I wouldn't be here." he says.
'Where is here?' she wonders. Her conscious mind is peripherally aware that the response makes no kind of sense, but quickly jams that square peg into a round hole and moves on before she can dwell on it.
Why isn't he fighting for me?
Somehow, losing HIM this way was worse than if he'd been the one taken from them instead of Janet. His death would have been painful, but the thought that he simply didn't want her was devastating. Had he still been frozen in antarctica, she could have sustained herself with the hope that someday they would get him out and they would be together again. Had she just imagined the love in his eyes when the statis pod had finally activated? Seeing only what she had wanted to see?
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She says yes.
"You don't need more time?" She can see how hopeful Pete looks.
What good would more time do?
"No."
"Therefore ... ?"
"Yes." She convinces herself that this is the right thing to do.
He's nowhere near the next best thing to what she really wants, but he's the one that wants her. Maybe, given enough time, she'll get over HIM. Not that Pete seems to notice or even care.
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Season 8 Episode 18 – Threads
Shock and anxiety overwhelmed Sam as she stared into General O'Neill's office.
No. No! Get your hands off of HIM.
She'd been so preoccupied with trying to move on, that she'd never considered the reality of him moving on as well. Her assumption that he was no longer interested in her had hurt, but this was too much.
At first, she wanted to know who she was, but as he told her, she realized it was a mistake. Reverting to her original reason for being there she proceeded to ask about Daniel.
SJ*SJ*SJ*SJ*SJ*SJ*SJ
She could tell that her dad thought very little of Pete Shannahan. It didn't surprise her, nor did it really disappoint her. But she did regret that her dad seemed to be disappointed with her. The way Jacob had bristled when Pete had dared to call him 'dad' was a clear indication that her father would rather she didn't marry this man.
He's quite alright with Jack calling him 'dad'.
Selmak had tried to be understanding, but the Tok'ra, having long suffered prejudice and hate, was immediately put off. Whilst 'weird' and 'freaky' were not the nastiest insult they had encountered, they sensed that Sam deserved so much better than this oaf.
But Jacob lies to his daughter and tells her otherwise. He's on borrowed time, and he doesn't want to fight with her. He tells her what she wants to hear.
But he doesn't make you happy, and you know it.
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"I know, I'm sorry. ... I don't know -- it could be an hour, it could be all day. ... Yeah. ... OK. ... Yeah, me too. Bye." She hangs up and walks back to the main table. "Sorry about that, sir."
"Emergency?" Jack queries.
"No, no. Just a, um, misunderstanding."
"Hey, weren't you supposed to meet Pete at the florists' this morning?" Jacob chimes in.
Sam shakes her head.
"No, Dad."
"No, I'm sure that's what you said -- for the wedding." Jacob persists, innocently, though Sam gets the impression that he's being purposefuly obtuse.
"I know." She tries not to snap at her dad, but he can tell she's not happy.
"Go ahead, Carter. It's supposed to be your day off anyway." Jack insists.
"It's OK, sir."
Don't send me away, she pleads silently.
She doesn't want to be anywhere but with HIM. She wants to feel needed by HIM, that she's still important. She wants to hear HIM say that he can't live without her. That he loves her, that he's IN LOVE with her.
"Well, Teal'c and Bra'tac are meeting with the Jaffa -- there's nothin' to do around here. Go pick flowers." he dismissed her.
As he walks away, Sam sighs and glares at her father.
"What?" Jacob shrugs.
SJ*SJ*SJ*SJ*SJ*SJ*SJ
A house. She can't believe he would make such a huge financial decision, just a huge decision in general, without consulting her. While the house itself was nice if you didn't look too closely, it was about as far away from Cheyenne Mountain as you could get without leaving the Springs. And the way he'd talked, the way he had essentially informed her, about what he had decided their life, her life, was going to look like, had really ticked her off.
It was one thing to discuss those kinds of plans, and something else entirely to dictate terms to her as if she wasn't capable of deciding for herself.
When he said that this was 'the house she'd always wanted', he clearly wasn't listening. This was nothing like how she imagined her dream house. The things she had talked about were big windows, a raised deck, and a stone chimney. In an area with lots of trees and not so many neighbours.
Jack's house.
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A soon as she was away from Pete, she went straight to Jack's house. The closer she got, the more nervous she got. It took her a long time to open her car door and make her way towards his house. It was now or never.
The relaxed demeanor he'd had before she made her presence known vanished in an instant. It made her even more nervous. But she couldn't let it stop her. The conversation was stilted, and words tumbled from her mouth. When she clammed up for a moment, he encouraged her with a simple 'oh'. She started to explain about the house.
No, don't say it's great! Don't be okay with this. Please, please just tell me we still have a chance.
Just as she was about to confess, she heard the back door open. Humiliation and embarrassment washed over her. More memories of Jack walking away from her on Edora surfaced. Kerry and Laira had a similar look.
He tried to brush it off as some kind of work-related meeting, but they all knew the truth. Sam was wishing that the ground would open and swallow her whole.
She thanked the universe for the interruption of a phone call from the SGC. Her relief lasted less than a minute. The roiling feeling in her stomach doubled as she listened.
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Jacob knew he had little time left. At this point he knew he had to try and get through to his daughter.
Unfortunately, they were in the base's infirmary so he couldn't just come right out and say that he wanted her to marry Jack O'Neill. He could see just how much they loved each other. He could see how much it was killing her to settle for that cop.
He said what he could, making sure she understood what he meant about rules and regulations.
As soon as he saw Jack take her under his arm, he knew that something had changed. He knew that she would make the right decision.
He was ready.
I promise dad, I won't give up on HIM. I'll do everything I can to make it work.
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After Anubis was vanquished, and Daniel had returned, she found HIM before he left the base.
"Sir, I realise that it may be too late. But I'd never forgive myself if I didn't at least try..." she held her hands together in front of her to stop them shaking. "Is there any chance we could continue our conversation from earlier?"
The silence seemed to last forever, but he eventually nodded.
"I'll be home by 19:00 hours." was all he said before walking away.
Sam blew out the breath she didn't realise she'd been holding.
She'd made sure to officially end it with Pete earlier. Even if Jack didn't want her, she knew it wasn't right to settle. She just hoped that the 'always' he'd promised her on her father's deathbed was the always she hoped for.
She left the base to go home and get ready for tonight. She had just under two hours before she could arrive at his place.
After showering and trying on at least a dozen different outfits, Sam eventually went with something simple – her favourite jeans and a slightly oversized knit jumper. She didn't want uncomfortable clothes to distract her during the talk she was going to have tonight. She also decided to skip any make up. If this didn't go well, she didn't want to end up looking like a panda on the way home.
There wasn't a lot of traffic on the road, so she made good time. It was only 18:52, but his car was in the driveway. Not wanting to drag this out any longer, she got out and went straight to the front door.
The door opened and Sam blinked. He was shirtless. He was slightly damp, and shirtless. SHIRTLESS.
Holy Hannah, just jump him right now. To hell with everything else.
"Sorry Carter, just got out of the shower. Make yourself at home." he said before disappearing back to the bedroom."
He returned, fully dressed now, to find Sam pacing in the living room. He could practically see the nervous energy that was radiating from her. Without prompting, he said the first thing that came to his head.
"I could retire."
Sam immediately stopped pacing and turned towards him, with raised eyebrows. Did he really just say what she thought he'd said?
"Retire? What do you mean retire?"
"I don't see any other way for us to be together." He stated matter-of-factly.
Tears began to well up in Sam's eyes.
"What about... about..." she didn't want to say the name of the 'other' woman.
"Kerry?" When Sam nodded slightly, he continued. "It's over."
"I..., I think I was only ever using Pete to make you jealous." she blurted out. She didn't realise the truth of the statement until it had already passed her lips.
He looked down and nodded. He would never assume she'd do something like that on purpose, but the mind is a funny thing.
"It's not fair for you to retire. You've still got years left on your career." she didn't want to be the reason he left the service, afraid that he would come to resent her for it in the future.
"I was retired before they reopened the Stargate, it's nothing I haven't done before." he rationalised
"I know, but you're a General now. You've got the chance to get more stars."
"How else are we going to make this work, Carter?" He appreciated her belief in him, that she thought he had more promotions in his future.
She was silent for a moment, working out how to best phrase her idea.
"I could get reassigned. I -"
"Like Hell!" He snapped. "Your career! How's that going to look?"
"Just hear me out, Sir." She had to make him understand that this wasn't some off the cuff, hairbrained idea. "Over the years, there have been many offers for me to join Area 51 in Nevada. I've always turned them down. But last week a position opened up. Head of R and D at Groom Lake. The other positions, before, we were still fighting the Goa'uld, and the Replicators, but now. Now we're talking about heading a department. That's a good career move."
He looked at her critically for a beat, then tilted his head in concession. She was right, it was a good career move.
"I know we'd be far away from each other, but we'd have weekends. We'd both be Earth-side, with relatively standard hours. I think it could work. Even if I have to fly to see you every weekend, it's worth it." She stopped short of mentioning that she had already contacted the officer in charge to register her interest and get more information. The excitement in the officer's voice gave her the impression that she had a very good chance of securing the position.
Jack was torn. On the one hand, this would give them the opportunity they'd been hoping for, on the other hand they would be miles apart and he'd only get to see her on weekends.
"Please, Sir?"
His eyes snapped shut. She had him there. It was the same as when she'd asked him to take a symbiote. He just couldn't say no.
"And just how long until you'd be starting this new position? Assuming you're successful." He knew that it was highly likely that she would be chosen for the role. They'd be crazy to pass up the opportunity to snag the great Samantha Carter, but he also knew that he might be slightly biased.
"In about three weeks."
"Right. In that case, I think it's best for both of us if you go home now."
"But -"
"Hey, I know. But until we're no longer in the same chain of command, we need to keep things professional. And I don't know about you, but right now, the chances of me doing something very un-professional, are climbing higher by the minute."
His eyes bore into hers with an intensity she'd rarely seen. She swallowed slowly before responding.
"Yes, Sir." It was a little on the breathless side, but she managed to get it out.
"Now scoot." he said, ushering her towards the door. He didn't want to seem rude, but he had to get her out of his house before he gave in to his baser desires. She picked up her handbag that she'd placed on the foyer banister, as he all but shoved her out onto the front porch.
She just stood there as she got her barings back. She couldn't believe that he'd so unceremoniously evicted her from his living room. Without so much as a... as a, what, as a hug, to celebrate their plan? And if he'd hugged her, how easy it would have been to stay there in his arms. To sink into his embrace, engulfed in his scent and body heat. With not much more effort she could have turned her head up and pressed her lips on to his neck, his jaw line, below his ear...
Okay, so he made the right call. Neither of them could be trusted to be professional right now. After all, they had just made a plan to be together. As the reality of their new situation sank in, her lips started to spread, and she was soon wearing to biggest, sappiest grin she'd ever had the occasion to wear. Practically floating on air, she made her way back to her car.
He would have to visit her in Navada at least once. Las Vegas was known for other things outside of gambling, and she was more than ready for a wedding with HIM.