Sirius burst into the dorm room, light from the full moon from the window shining on his face that was uncharacteristically neutral and panicked. Peter glanced up from his book and James remained lazily laying in his bed.
"Prongs, I fucked up."
"Hmm?" James waved lazily towards the door in his tiredness.
"Weren't you supposed to be with Remus?" Peter turned a page in his book, seemingly not too worried.
"What's happened?" James sat up and watched Sirius start to rummage through the dorm.
"Why aren't you with Remus?" Peter asked again.
"Poppy walked him down, I'll go back down once I fix it-"
"Fix what?" James was still tired and laying in bed.
"I fucked up."
"What did you do?" James yawned and rolled over to look at Sirius.
"I sent Sniv-Snape to the Whomping Willow." James snapped fully awake with an uncharacteristic urgency and jumped out of bed. Peter was looking up from his book.
"You're shitting me."
"Does it look like he is?" Peter snapped his book shut and stood up.
"What the fuck, Black?"
"I can explain-"
"What the fuck is there to explain?" James' eyes were shooting daggers at Sirius as he reached into his robes for his wand. His eyes frantically swapped from one to the other.
"Where are you going?"
"To clean up the mess you made and stop someone from getting seriously hurt." James snapped, finding his wand in a corner under his bed.
"James, I-"
"You were supposed to be different."
"I didn't mean to."
"Well, you did. Whatever it is you didn't mean. I thought you were different. From those...dumbfuck blood purity obsessed Blacks. It's sickening. Looks like I was wrong. Looks like you were wrong."
"Don't you fucking dare."
"You put an innocent person and Moony in danger."
"Take my name out of your mouth. I'd hardly call Snivellus innocent."
"Innocent or not, it doesn't matter-"
"I thought you loved him."
Sirius started to cry, sobs breaking out of his throat as if they were choking him as he crumpled to the floor.
James stood defiantly and defensively at the door, one arm on the doorframe and the other in a fist at his side.
"I thought you were different. I thought you cared. I never would've thought you'd do something like this."
"I didn't mean to."
"You still did. You still did, Sirius. You still betrayed us. I thought-"
"James, we don't have time for this." Peter scowled from the stairwell, and James blinked away what looked like tears before slamming the door loud enough for the Slytherins to hear it in the dungeon.
When Remus crept back into the dorm, it was late, careful to not wake the others. His scrapes hadn't been that bad, this time. He wouldn't be stuck in the hospital wing festering in boredom and waiting for one of the others to visit him, which was a relief and a load off his chest. He took a look at the dorm. James slept facing the wall, his back to Sirius. Peter laid on his back. Sirius had closed the curtains to his bed, but Remus severely doubted he was asleep. Sirius could never sleep well, or at all, on full moons if he wasn't there with Remus. He'd done the transformation alone this time because Madam Pomfrey had walked him down, which was fine.
Remus approached Sirius's bed and stood beside the closed curtains. A skinny, pale hand reached out from near the bedpost and grabbed onto Remus's. Remus smiled and pulled the curtain aside, crawling into the warm space with Sirius, who cast a silencing charm so they could talk in the night. Not that it was all that much nighttime, the sun would rise in a few hours.
"I'm sorry I wasn't there."
"Don't worry about it."
"How'd it go?"
"Alright." There was a pause, and Remus stared into Sirius' eyes. There seemed to be something swimming in them. Not tears, but close. Something sharply painful.
"Not alright, but you know." Another pause greeted them. Remus was content with the silence and took deep breaths in the night.
"I..." Sirius started, looking up at the top of his bed.
"I'm tired." Remus leaned closer to Sirius, laying his head on top of Sirius' chest, who planted a kiss on top of his head and started running his fingers through Remus' brown hair.
"Sleep then, Moony."
"You should too."
"And I will. Once you sleep I'll go to sleep."
"I worry about you."
"I know you do, Moony. I'll be fine. Last time I checked, you're the one covered in scars." Sirius tucked a blanket around the two of them.
"You have 'em too." Sirius did have scars coating his whole body, whether from his parents or a prank or stunt gone wrong. Usually the former. Sirius preferred long clothing.
"Doesn't matter."
"It does."
"I'm a nasty traitorous pureblood git who got disowned by his own family. I matter to who?"
"To me and James and Peter."
Sirius started crying for Merlin knows what time that day, and Remus lifted his head off his chest.
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing, Moony."
"Clearly not nothing, you're crying."
"Don't worry about it."
"I'm already worried about it. Tell me." There was a pause. Sirius considered. No. Not then. Later. It was late and Remus was tired and wounded and Sirius felt like he was going to pass out.
"I love you."
"Please."
"In the morning."
"Is that my sweater?"
"Maybe." Remus let out a weak chuckle and relaxed his muscles, surrendering to sleep. Sirius' fingers settled in Remus' hair and their legs were tangled together under the blankets as Sirius drifted to sleep knowing that his Moony was safe nestled beside him.
Remus awoke to arguing breaking out. There was a slight smile on his face, as tired as he was. The bickering between James and Sirius, while irritating at times, especially when the two got in over their heads, was a part of life at Hogwarts and as a Maurader, neither of those things Remus would trade for the world.
"You bloody son of a bitch."
"How could you?"
"Come on Prongs-"
"You don't care about any one of us."
"I would kill for any one of you."
"Yeah. You'd kill. You've made that much bloody clear. Not to mention that you've got him sleeping in your bed. Does he even know what you've done?"
"With the way you two are screaming, I'd be surprised if he's not awake already and avoiding dealing with you two." Peter chimed in from the side. Remus heard a knock on the wood of his bed.
"You awake Moony?" James sounded like he was angry enough to kill someone, but not toward him.
"A bit."
"Get out here."
By the time Remus pulled himself out of bed, it had escalated to screaming loud enough he wouldn't be surprised if the Slytherins could hear it from the dungeons.
"You're being dramatic." Sirius lamented.
"Nearly killing him was unnecessary." James retorted towards him, getting mad.
"He would've been fine."
"If it weren't for me, he'd be in the hospital wing, or worse."
"You wouldn't have hurt him, would you Moony?"
"What?" Remus wiped his eyes, mildly paying attention.
"Not cool. At all."
"He's the elitist git."
"You're the one to talk, Sirius."
"What the fuck does that mean?"
"What's going on?" Remus was louder this time.
"Yeah. What is going on?" James' voice sounded dead, and his arms were crossed in a way that showed genuine anger, with layers of betrayal, hurt, and dried tears. Remus's head was foggy from the Full Moon.
"Nobody was hurt."
"But somebody could have gotten hurt. Moony couldn't have done anything to stop it."
"What did guys go?" Remus was as loud as he could be this time, and the bickering boys stopped.
"When you transformed...I told Snivellus to follow you down."
"Why would you do that?"
"Sirius Dumbfuck Black over here nearly murdered someone."
"I didn't do it. He would've been fine."
"It was just a prank."
James lunged at Sirius, pinning him to the ground, and aiming to punch him.
"Prongs-"
James and Peter were silent, and Sirius' words festered until Remus burst like a volcano at him.
"A prank? What the hell about that is a prank?"
"He didn't get hurt so no harm, no foul."
"Almost harm, and a shit load of foul. That's foul play at its finest."
"Who cares?"
"We do! You could've killed someone. I have no control over myself. That was irresponsible."
"What do you want me to do about it?" Remus' anger burst silently.
"Get out."
"Maybe at this rate, I'll just go home. Better get cursed as punishment than deal with this shit."
"Then go." Remus stood with his fists clenched.
"You heard Moony," James said, and Peter sat silently reading a book.
"What?"
"Be a Slytherin who marries your sister and names your kid Snivellus Junior for all I care, just get out." James pointed towards the door with his wand, and Sirius grabbed his wand and slammed the door behind him. Remus watched as the one he loved left, and he was too blinded by anger to notice a thing.
It finally sunk in what he had done. Sirius Black had sent Severus Snape after Remus during a transformation. Did Sirius have any idea what could have happened? Remus could have killed Snape all because he can be a bit annoying and bigoted. That would've been on Remus. He would've had to live with that guilt. Tears go to the corners of Remus' eyes, but he disregards them.
Peter turned to Remus.
"All of Slytherin will probably know."
"That...I'm a werewolf or that I'm-"
"First one."
Somehow, more anger bubbled up inside Remus. Remus wanted to escape his anger. He wanted peace, he wanted a content area of happiness where there are no holes and nothing to second guess. Remus broke down crying on the floor because he'd been catastrophically betrayed and he had no clue what to do about it.
Ever since James, Peter, and pretty much every Gryffindor found out what Sirius had done with Snape, he's been avoided like the plague. In return, Sirius was avoiding the world like the plague and never left the dorm, never left his bed, where the curtains were closed, and that was fine by everyone. Fine by Remus, fine by James, fine by Peter.
Students oohed and made guesses as to who would be on the receiving end, and most of the hall went silent when it stopped at Regulus Black, who's eyes filled with something that no one could quite put a finger on before opening it. Remus plugged his ears but still heard the message. Loud and clear.
"Regulus Black." He winced and didn't even bother to plug his ears as Walburga Black's bitchy upper class accented voice flooded the hall with it's furiousness.
"You've been falling behind on your marks lately. 24/50? That is absolutely ridiculous. Ridiculous. You know what that means. If you slip up again you get even closer to being like your fuck up brother. Corrupting our family and tarnishing our name. Spoiled everything. Always knew he was a gay, I'm telling you. But the rumors I've heard from parents of him dating a mudblood? Maybe they'll run away and get eloped at some Muggle place, take another last name that gets any association of him away from us before he can corrupt our family any more. I bet that mudblood is the cause of it all. Thank Merlin we have you, Regulus. As long as you keep those marks up. Oh also, be a dear and try and keep them apart, if you would. Update me. Understood? Understood. End of disscussion."
Holy fuck.
Regulus sprinted out of the room, with Remus spotting what could almost be tears on his face. Heads began to turn to stare at Remus, with judegement clear on their faces. Shit. Remus decided to leave breakfast early and was slightly glad that Sirius hadn't gone. God dammit. Why did he still care for him? Remus took a deep breath and told himself that it was the principle, even though in the deepest pit of his stomach he knew it wasn't true.
"Remus." Remus stopped in his tracks in the hall as a all too familiar voice called his name. Remus turned around to see Severus Snape standing in the hallway, holding books. Remus awkwardly waved. Snape approached in oddly paced, shuffling steps.
"For the record," Remus braced himself. Snape's words were stretched out, like always. He braced himself for the news that all of Slytherin house has found out that Remus Lupin is a bloodthirsty, violent, and prone to attack werewolf.
"I was sworn by an oath by Professor Dumbledore to keep your...condition...a secret."
"Oh." Remus wasn't expecting that, and his anxiety had scattered away.
"Thank you." Remus said, words not being able to communicate everything he truly wanted to say properly.
"Tell Pott...James that I owe him."
"He knows."
"No. I owe him a life debt. Owing him is quite literal in this case." Snape nodded, looked behind Remus and his whole stature tightened, standing up straighter and holding his wand with a tighter grip. Snape began to walk away. Remus lowered voice.
"The password is Pareidolia. If you want to tell him yourself." Snape nodded again and left Remus alone in the hall with whoever was behind him. He turned around to see a thin boy with incredible cheekbones, sharp eyes, and dark hair that flopped into his face, going after him. He was wearing normal clothes, no robes, just black slacks and buttondown shirt with a belt with a built in knife sheath.
"Hello."
"I think we were introduced at one point-"
"Regulus."
"I would like to speak to you." Regulus turned like he was going to leave, but lingered beside Remus, his fingers reaching and brushing the handle of his knife.
"Go on?"
"So, mudblood." Remus sighed and kept walking, if this was all Regulus wanted, it was just to put him down a bit, but Regulus grabbed Remus's shoulder and pulled him back, his head snapping back.
"Not so fast." Remus sighed, it would get addressed at some point.
"You..." Regulus' grip on Remus' arm tightened to the point Remus could barely feel his arm at all.
"You're a monster. You shouldn't be allowed here. You're worse than the mudbloods." The grip on his arm remained, and the punches to Remus' jaw were a blur, and Regulus taking out his wand was no surprise, muttering something and jabbing his wand into Remus's stomach, and he lurched as unspeakable pain surged across his whole body. Everything was pure pain, and his vision became white. It felt like he was being stabbed by a thousand needles and burned. It wasn't the kind of dull pain, it was red hot scouring pain that made him scream out. Meanwhile, Regulus unsheathed his dagger from his belt, and Remus started to kick at him until the blade was forced into his arm, and then again plunged through his flesh, blood splashing onto the floor.
No teachers in sight, no students other than Remus and Regulus. Serverus was around somewhere, but he'd ditched them the moment Regulus appeared. Remus doesn't blame him. The pain increases, and Remus clutched his stomach one-handedly and contemplated his options, which were next to none.
"You're a monster. They should have euthanized you the second you were bitten. Like a damn dog."
"This is all your fault, you know? My mum is always pissed off. My family is falling apart. Everything's corrupted. My brother is a blood traitor. He left me alone with..." Regulus couldn't finish his sentence, but Remus knew from Sirius' scars and his retelling that Regulus was likely a victim of it as well, and though a small part of Remus couldn't help feeling bad, because they were such devastating circumstances no matter who they were forced on, and because Sirius cared for his brother and even after everything, after what Sirius had done, Remus still loved him. Part of him wanted to forgive them both and give them a hug and tell them that he's sorry.
"Because of you."
Before Remus could open his mouth to say anything about how that wasn't his fault and how Sirius made his own choices, the handle of the cold, metal, dagger smacked Remus in the head with an unceremonious thud that managed to topple him over and crack his head open on the stone floor as the world faded to be blurry, and then to nothing.
James and Peter sat on James' bed, trying to master a spell to inflate balloons, with little to no luck. Sirius knew it, but if they didn't want anything to do with them as long as they didn't want anything to do with him. He could hold out. Sirius stopped himself from chuckling when a big yellow one popped in their faces and made them jump. He missed it, as much as he would insist he didn't, to himself or anyone who would listen. He sighed.
"Inflatus Balloonum." The entire pack inflated immediatley, and James glared at Sirius across the room, who went back to staring at the wall.
"Thanks." Peter began to tie them up.
"Where're you going?" He couldn't actually care less, but he wanted his friends back. He wanted his life back.
"Hospital wing. Remus." Peter said casually, and Sirius didn't think twice until it hit him right in the head like a brick.
"The full moon was last week." Peter shrugged. James wordlessly tied his shoe, fury still coating him.
"What's happened to Remus?" Peter checked to see that James was preoccupied untying a knot in his shoestring and slipped his wand deep into the pocket of his robes. James plodded to the door and swung it open.
"Come on, Peter."
"I need to find my wand still. Go on, I'll be down."
"Meet you there." James eyed Sirius, before shuting the door harshly. Neither of them said anything until the sound of his footsteps was obsolete. Peter turned to Sirius, a neutral expression plastered across his face.
"Regulus happened."
The shock settled in before the storm began brewing. Sirius' eyes clouded over.
"What did he do?"
Sirius Black can only see red. His wand is in a tight grip in his hand. His minsd is a muffled mess of anger. More then just anger. Deeper then just anger. Hurts more then just anger. He's sure that his footsteps and his rage can be sensed from the tippy top of the tallest tower to the bottomest bit of the deepest dungeon. Good. He stomps down the stairs to the dungeons. His hair is tied up in one of many old hair ties stolen from the girls on the Quidditch team. The door to the Slytherin dorms just ahead, and when he reaches it he furiously bangs on the door. No response. He starts kicking the door, leaving a dent in the door and bruising his foot like all hell.
The door is opened a crack, and an unfamilar face looks at him, utterly fearing his dialated eyes and clenched jaw that was beginning to ache. A first year, probably.
"Tell Regulus Black to get his ass out here." The first year nods and calls Regulus's name into the common room. Footsteps approach. Grey eyes to gray eyes, cheekbones to cheekbones, raven hair to raven hair, Black to Black, brother to brother.
"Get out or I'm coming in anyways."
"Good luck." Regulus went to close the door, but Sirius's foot wedged it open, just open enough for him to grab a fistful of Regulus's hair and force his way into the Slytherin common room.
"Regulus." Regulus didn't say a thing. He stood there.
"It's not my fault he's a danger to the whole school."
"You only did it because she told you to."
"Mom didn't tell me to do anything."
"Shit liar."
"He could've bitten you. What then?"
"He wouldn't have."
"How do you know that?"
The angry screaming in his head was overwhelming and his head hurt from the anger. Sirius' breathing was tight and heavy. He wanted to go numb.
"You don't."
So he swung at Regulus, taking him down to the slimy, cold floor with one punch. Sirius kneeled on top of his brothers stomach, making him retch, and pointed his wand into his own brothers throat and kneeing him in the stomach repeadedly, while Regulus flailed at him and ended up getting loose by kicking him between the legs, narrowly missing the region he was aiming for. One of the first years called out something about getting a Prefect, to which Sirius bellowed at her to go right ahead. Sirius reached for the belt of Regulus' pants, and he took a step back, the knife in Sirius' hands, before Regulus kicked him in the face, giving him a black eye, taking two teeth out, and kicking him square in the jaw. Sirius groaned and fell to the ground, before seizing the knife and plunging it into Regulus' flesh.
Remus woke to the familiar brightness of the hospital wing that he'd woken up to countless times. He sat up. Regulus Black was sitting in a bed across the wing, looking paler then usual and reading a book with bandages wrapped all around his torso, and Madam Pomfrey sat on a chair, writing something at her desk, noticing Remus was awake.
"Ah, you're awake. Good."
"How long was I out?"
"Two days."
"Two days?"
"Mhm."
"Good god." Madam Pomfrey let out a slight laugh. She seemed to find Remus funny at times he wasn't intending to be funny. It confused him. Then again, a lot of things confused him. Life. Sirius. Himself.
"Anything happen?"
"Visitors."
"Who?"
"James and Peter stopped by. Sirius, of course." Remus noticed Regulus perking up at the mention of Sirius' name, but he ingored it. He wanted to ignore the entire existance of Regulus, if he had a choice in the matter. But he didn't. Cruel how life can be.
"Sirius?"
"Sirius visited you. All two days you were out. Waited until the other two left, which was strange."
"Oh."
"You do know who James, Sirius, and Peter are?"
"Yes."
"Good, good. Your memory wasn't affected. How's your head?"
"Hurts."
"I'll grab some more painkillers."
"Madam Pomfrey?"
"Yes, love?"
"If Sirius comes back, can you...not let him in?"
"Why? What happened?"
"Nothing."
"Lovers spat?"
"Something like that."
"Go easy on him, Remus. He's so in love with you it's difficult to watch. I'm going to get you those painkillers."
Remus laid back down as Madam Pomfrey went to get painkillers. It came back to him and his eyes jumped open, but he closed them again. Remus kept his eyes sealed shut. He didn't want to think. He wanted to lay in the hospital wing for a year and never get up. He kept his eyes shut and zoned out to the record playing in the corner until he heard fast-paced footsteps enter the ward.
"Hello, Professor."
"May I speak to Remus Lupin please?"
"Remus?"
There is no way in bloody hell that being called into McGonagall's office was a good sign. Remus shakily stood up from his bed. His wounds had all healed almost all the way, although he was covered in bandages that were starting to itch. McGonagall gestured for him to follow her, and an awkward walk with tension you could cut with a knife to McGonagall's office ensued, her crisp steps next to Remus' near limping.
"Take a seat, Remus."
Remus sat down in an upholstered chair in front of the desk as Professor McGonagall closed the door with a satisfying thud.
"Mr. Lupin, you most likely know by now that we take bullying as a very serious offense here at Hogwarts." Remus nodded, his whole body numb from betrayal and the painkillers.
"You were assaulted, Remus. This is a step above getting occasionally hexed in the hallways."
"I don't-It's fine."
"It is most certainly not fine. Was it one of the Slytherins?"
"No."
"Madam Pomfery mentioned you didn't want to be around Sirius. Now I highly doubt he would-"
"It wasn't Sirius."
"I didn't think so." Minerva sighed and settled her teacup inside a saucer with a rattle.
"I don't care if they get in trouble or not, I just want to go to class."
"And so you will, after we have this conversation."
"It's not that important."
"It's important to me, I insist upon it."
Remus didn't know how to respond to that so he stared at the tea in his cup and swirled it around.
"Remus, if you tell me who it is, will they hurt you again?"
"I don't know. I don't think it was that serious."
"This is a serious matter and will be treated as such. So who was it?"
"I don't want anyone to get in trouble." She sighed.
"I can't promise that, dear."
"Whoever it was never gets in trouble. Always gets off the hook."
"Whoever it was, not this time."
"It's not that bad."
"You were in the hospital ring passed out for two days."
Sirius visited you. All two days you were out.
Remus blinked and saw tears in his eyes. It wasn't because of the pain- he'd gone through much worse on an off-full moon, it wasn't the pain that bothered him. It wasn't the pain that tug at his heart and made him want to throw up and scream and break something. Not at all.
"Something else is bothering you." Remus nodded and sat his cup down on the side of the desk. sympathy flooding her eyes, which saw right through him.
"It's a lot. I wouldn't worry. Long story."
"We have time."
Remus's eyes shifted uncomfortably from Minerva to the floor, and he started fidgeting with the sleeves of his sweater.
"It's my job, and I'm happy to do it or else I would have quit a while ago. If you're uncomfortable with the whole thing, long story short."
Remus swallowed. Long story short. He could do that.
But then there's the fact that he's dating Sirius. Was? Are they officially broken up? The thought brings anger to his core and tears to his eyes that he tries to blink away with no avail. Would McGonagall care? Was she homophobic? Would she tell anyone? Did she know already? It seems like the kind of thing she might know.
"Could you possibly...not tell anyone about any of this?" Remus's voice cracked in the middle of his words and he started properly crying. McGonagall pulled her chair around to be next to him.
"Unless anyone is in danger, I won't say a word."
"What if it's the kind of thing that...could put you in danger if people knew about it? Like certain people feel differently about it, my friends knowing is fine but if certain people find out they'd try to jump me." Minerva put her hand on his shoulder, and he started crying harder because it was on top of a scrape. She promptly moved her hand and apologized.
"I do know that you're a werewolf, Remus. If that's what you're referring to." Remus cleared his throat and picked his tea up again.
"Erm...no." He realized that he could probably tell McGonagall without telling her the one part, but this was more about getting it all off his chest, wasn't it? This had nothing to do with why he came into the office. Well, it did but it didn't.
Everything seemed complicated.
"So..." Remus tried to think of the best way to say all of this. Words seemed to evade his brain and his tongue couldn't come up with anything.
"So?"
Remus took a deep breath. This was it. He did it all in one go, his tears slurring his words so much he was unsure she would even be able to understand any of what he was saying.
"I like boys and...I liked Sirius and we were dating but I didn't want to tell anyone besides Peter, James, and the girls because I was scared he'd get disowned. Like...more disowned than he already is. There's no way his parents would approve of him being queer and neither would mine so we were trying to keep it a secret but someone still found out and then last full moon, Sirius sent him towards the Whomping Willow to follow me when I transformed. James stopped him but I almost killed him because I was a full werewolf. Sirius doesn't seem to care. He doesn't even care that he could've killed someone. We got into a fight about it and I got mad and I fucked things up but he still didn't care and I think Sirius was drunk when he said it. I don't know if that makes it any better but he- the person who almost got killed by me- ended up following me and doing...this-but considering I could have killed him on accident I probably deserved it but now Sirius hates me and everyone is mad at him and I don't know what to do."
"Oh, Remus." McGonagall began to hug him, and he started crying harder.
"He said it was a prank." His words were muffled and his voice was breaking in two.
"Of course he did."
"I slept in his bed." Remus clung onto McGonagall.
"I'm sorry."
"It was Snape, wasn't it Dear?"
Remus shook his head and wiped his eyes as she let go of him. She sighed. She didn't want to consider this next one that came to mind. But she'd heard the howler, and after 18 years of teaching, you pick up certain behaviors.
"Regulus?" Remus nodded. Minerva blinked.
"I'll have it taken care of. Don't worry. You may stay here for a bit and head to class whenever you're ready."
"Thank you."
"You're welcome, Mr. Lupin. However,"
Remus looked up at McGonagall in dread. He had no idea where this was going and didn't want to.
"Regardless of what type of... intercourse might be occurring, it's important that you use protection. You can get condoms free of charge from Madam Pomfrey if needed." Remus' face was bright red and he stared at the floor, as if he made eye contact with McGonagall he would explode. Who knew? He felt if someone brushed him the wrong way he'd become a landmine. McGonagall promptly left, leaving the heavy doors slightly open so Remus could get out, and he sat there and wiped his tears.
The slippery cobblestones were shining from the streetlights and the rain. Remus was covered head to toe in scrapes and cuts and gashes, bad enough that he needed medical attention, but not bad enough that he couldn't walk back to Hogwarts himself because Madam Pomfrey was a tad late. He was wearing one of his favorite sweaters that he'd stuffed under a floorboard before his transformation. It reminded Remus of when you're in the snow and then you come in and change your clothes. That kind of warmth was the same as his favorite grandpa sweater after a transformation.
The rain had faded to a distant sprinkle, but fog was heavy in the distance, there was a boy covered in scrapes and blood in a sweater walking down the street, and a shadowy figure leaned against a shop. Remus held his hands in fists, and his sweater felt all too tight as he realized two things. One, it wasn't Madam Pomfrey, and it was approaching him, and quickly at that. Not a teacher, taller than James, too skinny to be Peter.
Please don't be.
"Moony."
Fuck.
Remus pivoted and stared at the shrieking shack a while back on the path, letting his eyes focus as his breathing became tight.
"Please, Remus. We need to talk."
"I don't want to talk to you."
"Just fifteen minutes." Sirius seemed desperate.
"Fine."
Both of them stood next to a closed shop, and Remus stared at their reflection in the glass of the window.
"What's there to talk about?"
"I fucked up. I know that, okay?"
"Good. You could've killed someone, or at least gotten him seriously hurt."
"It's Snivellus."
"He's a person. Who you could have killed."
"He'd have deserved it if you did."
"It's not my job to be leverage over someone you have a stupid vendetta against."
"It's a reasonable vendetta."
"That's not the point."
"What is the bloody point then?"
"The point is that you could have killed someone. Don't you even care?"
"Of course, I care. I would just care significantly more if the person I almost killed wasn't a Slytherin bloodpurist shithead."
"What the fuck, Sirius."
"What'd I say? Come on Moony, you hate him as much as I do."
"Shut up. I love you, you know that. I've been in love with you since our fourth year. But you betrayed me and used me for one of your useless schemes. Then you put someone's life in danger, outed my secret to someone who's going to tell all of Slytherin, and played it off as a prank. Then I slept in your bed."
"I...love you too."
"God...damn it Sirius."
"What?"
"You don't understand, do you?"
"I do."
"No, you don't."
"I'm sorry Moony."
"I love you. But you sold me for spare fucking parts to make someone's life hell. I could've killed him, you know that? And now everyone knows my greatest secret and I could be killed for it and I slept in your bed afterward."
"I didn't mean to-"
"Don't."
"Don't talk to me. Don't lie to my face. Don't call me Moony."
Sirius stood there. He looked sad in the rain, his hair and clothes soaked, and his eyes sunken in, and as much as Remus hated him, he was still in love with him.
Sirius would always be his Padfoot, and Remus would always be his Moony. And he hated it. He hated it with all of his soul, he could bake himself in an oven after rolling in barbed wire, and pour a whole salt shaker into his wounds, and it wouldn't hurt the way this did. It wouldn't hurt the way being trapped in love hurts. He would always want to sleep in his bed and kiss and be in love with him. And Sirius was being an asshole but god, Remus was as in love with him as he'd ever been.
"I love you. God damn it I love you." Remus started to cry and he wiped tears from his eyes.
"He knows both my secrets. And he knows yours."
"I don't care that he knows about me. Reggie's gonna tell them everything. He knows. He got into the Gryffindor common room somehow to talk to me." Remus started crying even harder and focusing on Sirius' lips, not knowing why. Guilt began eating him from his gut.
"Shit."
"Hmm?" Sirius was blankly staring back at Remus's lips.
"I love you. I fucking hate it." Remus whispered, even though nobody was around.
"There's my Moony," Sirius whispered back.
Remus stared at Sirius and then leaned in. Sirius didn't stop it or protest, and Remus planted a kiss on his lips. They stayed like that for a mere moment, and when they pulled away, Remus whispered it out into the rainy, soggy, shitty night air.
"I can't escape the way I love you."
And then Sirius started crying, and he crumpled to the ground, sitting in a mud puddle, and Remus left him sitting there in the dark because as much as he loved Sirius, he hated him just as much.
And he would never be able to escape it for as long as he lived.
*17 years later*
Remus once again stared at the reflection of Sirius Black and himself in a window. That is, one of the few windows that remained and weren't shattered by one of Remus's transformations throughout the years at Hogwarts. The shack had remained mostly the same, creaky floors, dust lining every corner, broken things everywhere, more or less the same as it had been the last time Remus had been there, however the same could not be said for the two men.
Sirius looked like hell. He'd been in Azkaban for twelve years. Twelve years was a long time, more time than how old they'd both been when they met. Sirius's eyes were sunken in, you could feel his ribcage just brushing his side, his hair was grown out unevenly, his clothes were torn, and he was dirty beyond belief.
Remus' face had scars crisscrossing it, he was tired, his hair was combed but disheveled nonetheless, he was wearing a suit and tie, and he had showered the day before.
The man beside him was the same man he'd fallen in love with, yet entirely different in ways Remus couldn't even begin to understand for the rest of his life.
"Moo-Remus."
"Yes?"
"I have...something to show you." Sirius held out a polaroid, taken by who knows, of all four of the Mauraders, all somehow crammed onto a single loveseat. James was sitting in the middle of the bright red loveseat (that Remus was pretty sure remained in the Gryffindor common room to that day), his arms were draped across the shoulders of the other three, Peter crammed onto his right, Sirius sitting on the back of the couch, and Remus with his legs draped over the arm of it. Peter had one of those sneaky smiles on his face, James was grinning ear to ear and laughing with his head thrown back, and Sirius had the signature smirk on his face. The background was full of people he knew as well, including Lily, Marlene, and Mary, with smiles on their faces as well. Some Slytherins where distant names came to mind, Barty, Evan, Dorcas, maybe. His memory was too faded to remember exactly. None of them could have been any older than 18, most likely taken around their graduation from Hogwarts. Remus hated how they all turned out and he hated that there was nothing he could do about it. Dead is dead, and once you become a deatheater there's nothing to be done. Before any tears for the dead or worse than dead could come, Sirius interrupted his thoughts.
"From before shit hit the fan."
"Understatement."
"Remus..."
"Yes?"
"There's something I'd like to say."
"Go on."
"I...remember that fight we had? After what I did?"
"How couldn't I?" Sirius chuckled and stared longingly at the Polaroid.
"I truly am sorry. For everything."
"It's been 17 years."
"I know. I just thought better late than never."
"I forgive you. I forgave you years ago." A boatload of relief seemed to flood off of Sirius, a weight that had accumulated over twelve years being taken off.
"Feels like yesterday."
"Hard to think it's been years."
The silence hung in the air, but it wasn't pissed off, conflicted love, painful silence. It was full, content, medium silence that made Remus feel a bit like it had been when they were students. He'd missed it. How many years had it been? Too many. God, he'd missed this kind of silence more than he realized. He'd missed Sirius more than he'd realized. No matter how much he denied, distracted, or compartmentalized, he would always want the feeling that Sirius brought. He still hated it a bit.
"Have you escaped yet?"
Remus couldn't look Sirius in the eye, or have any emotion on his face.
"Hey, if I escaped Azkaban, anything's possible. Guess I'll never know."
Remus looked over at Sirius. It had been twelve years. Feelings must have left on Sirius's side and thought slightly saddened him, however a voice in his head asked him what he'd expected from him. Sirius came closer to Remus, standing close in front of him, and went on his tiptoes so they were face to face.
"Is it okay if..."
"Yes."
Remus leaned in and they kissed, and it brought back the nostalgic feelings of Sirius's presence that punched Remus in the gut. Love and nostalgia danced on their lips. Sirius pulled away first.
"There's my Moony."
"Padfoot."
"I haven't escaped yet."
"I didn't think so."
And they both gave a look to each other that made it clear they both knew.
Neither of them could escape it.