17.

"No Momma, I do it!" Hope insisted as she shrunk back from Emma trying to brush her teeth for her.

"Okay, let me just…" she said, trying to brush them quickly before she allowed her to do it herself for a bit.

"I do it!" she insisted, reaching for her own toothbrush. "I big girl!"

"Okay, fine." Emma relinquished the tooth brush and held her hands up as she took a couple of steps back. "You do it yourself, then." She sighed and stood behind her, watching her. "Don't forget to brush up and down."

Hope nodded and grinned at her Mom in the mirror as she brushed her own teeth, making rather a mess of it.

They'd been having little arguments and run ins like this with Hope for a few days now. She'd got annoyed with Killian when he helped her on with her shoes, wanting to do it for herself. He allowed her to get on with it, not even arguing with her when she got her shoes on the wrong feet just because she looked so pleased with herself.

There was an incident when she wanted to make her own breakfast, which finished up with cereal all over the table and milk spilled everywhere, but she had tried. She didn't want anyone feeding her or cutting her food up for her any more. And she was even starting to get weird and embarrassed about kisses and cuddles from her parents in public.

Emma knew it was just her age, she had turned three almost five months ago and all the books said it was normal for kids of that age to be learning more about themselves and developing their self-concept. That it was positive and healthy and overall led to a more confident child. But that didn't mean that it didn't make her a little sad.

Killian was all for it, praising her every time she tried something for herself, even if she didn't succeed. He was proud of his little girl and liked the fact she was learning to become independent. But Emma found it hard, it meant her baby was growing up and didn't need her as much. She realised that one day she wasn't going to need her at all and that would be it for her and babies.

After the toothbrush battle this morning, it was on Emma's mind throughout the day. It was so true what people said about enjoying them when they're young because they grow up so fast. She felt that Hope was growing up too fast, she wanted her baby back, to snuggle with on the sofa for hours, call her baby and make her giggle. She already missed those quite moments in the early hours of the morning when she was up feeding her and it was just the two of them rocking in the chair in the nursery, telling her stories, sharing secrets with her or just humming lullabies to her.

This whole matter of her baby growing up was just generally making her sad and she thought she might know why.

She'd missed Henry's younger years entirely and had only seen evidence of them even happening in a handful of photos that Regina had deemed fit to share with her. She was also blatantly aware that she would be turning 40 next year and had started to wonder whether her birthing a baby days were behind her already.

When Emma got home from work that night, Hope was in the kitchen helping daddy make dinner. This was something she had loved to do from the moment she could walk, he'd even commissioned Marco to make her a special enclosed stool that she could climb up on and be safe as she helped at the counter.

Over time, he had given her more tasks to help him with, things she could manage. He had her fetching things from the fridge for him, mixing a bowl of ingrediants, adding vegetables or fruit to pans and bowls and blenders. He even gave her a plastic knife that she could help chop things with, knowing she couldn't hurt herself much with it. And though she felt independent and that she was helping, Killian watched her like a hawk to make sure she came to no harm.

"Hello my little chefs," Emma smiled and greeted them both with a kiss. "What's on the menu tonight?" she asked, peering into the skillet where Killian was pushing cubed chicken around.

"We makin' creamy noodles!" Hope told her. "I chop all these muchrooms!" she announced, proudly waving her hand over the vegetables like some game show host.

"Mushroom's kid," Emma chuckled. "And way to go," she said giving Hope a high five. "Smells great," she told Killian, sliding in behind him and resting her chin on his shoulder.

"Should only be about another 20 minutes or so," he told her, turning his head to kiss her cheek before he began removing the chicken from the pan.

"Okay, I'm going to run up and get changed, then I'll help," she promised, giving his backside a playful swat before running up the stairs with a giggle.

Dinner was indeed delicious. Killian had become much more adventurous in the kitchen since he'd had the time to experiment after he decided to be the stay at home parent. He found he could follow most simple recipes and he picked up tips from the likes of Snow and Granny as well as the odd cooking show that Emma had caught him watching! Emma however felt she was still something of a disaster in the kitchen – eggs, pancakes, tacos and the odd easy pasta dish were about the limit of her forte.

"Do you need to use the potty before you get in the bath, kiddo?" Emma asked her later that evening at bath time.

"No potty!" Hope shook her head.

"Are you sure?" Emma grinned. "Because you're looking awfully squirmy there."

"No," she shook her head. "Potty for babies!" she gave the plastic potty a look of disdain. "I go big potty!" she decided, pointing to the toilet.

"Really? You might fall down, baby, it's a bit big for you."

"I not baby!" she stomped her foot. "I big girl. I go big potty."

"Fine," Emma gave in, not wanting a fight about the damn toilet at this time of night. "I'll have to hold you though," she told her whilst making a mental note to pick up a toilet training seat for her.

Here was just another sign that her little girl was growing up and she was losing her baby, a thought that made Emma sad. A part of her knew she was being ridiculous, but she couldn't help it and she knew if she could rewind time a couple of years, she would gladly just to enjoy it all over again. Though maybe not all those sleepless nights or the countless dirty diapers to change.

Much later, after Hope had long since been fast asleep, Emma and Killian were getting ready for bed, each going through their nightly rituals. Emma was stood in the bathroom, just holding her birth control pill she'd just removed from the packaging and staring at herself in the mirror. She glanced down at the pill in her fingers and bit her bottom lip, glaring at the offending object, before she took a deep breath and dropped it, purposely, into the sink. She then poured her glass of water over it and watched as the pill was washed down the drain.

Seconds later she wondered what the hell she was thinking as she sat down on the closed toilet seat, debating whether to get another one out or just talk to Killian about how she was feeling.

"Hey." Killian knocked on the door at that moment, making her jump. "You about done, Swan? I need the loo."

"One second," she called back. After washing her face quickly and removing the clip from her hair, she opened the door and sidled past him in the doorway. "All yours," she told him.

"I sure hope so," he said with a smirk and kissed her fleetly in passing.

Emma smiled to herself as she went to close the curtains and put some clean clothes away she'd dumped on the chair earlier. Killian was out a moment later, turning the light off behind him and then striping all his clothes and dumping them in the laundry hamper.

Emma watched him climb into bed totally naked. "Is someone hoping to get lucky tonight?" she asked, wide eyed.

"Always hoping, love," he winked.

Emma inhaled deeply as she gave him a fake laugh. Then she grabbed her hand lotion and sat on the bed, crossed leg, facing him wearing her pink tank top and sleep shorts combo. "So, erm...I did something tonight," she told him, avoiding his eyes as she opened her hand lotion. "Wrist?" she requested.

He held his wrist out for her and she rubbed some of her lotion into the scarred old wound to keep the skin supple before rubbing the excess into her own hands.

"What did you do?" he asked, curiously as he adjusted his pillows and smoothed the duvet over his chest.

"I erm...I washed my birth control pill down the sink," she told him in one quick, gabbled breath.

"You...what?" he asked, confused. "Why would you do that?" he asked, rather lost.

Emma shrugged, not knowing what to tell him.

"Have...have you ever done that before?" he wondered.

"No," she quickly assured him. "Never, I wouldn't abuse your trust like that, that's why I'm telling you now."

"So, why would you do it now?" he asked, sitting up in bed, the duvet pooling to his lap.

"I...I want another baby," she admitted.

"Another baby?" he repeated.

"Yes. We've talked about it before, about maybe having another baby some day. We said it would be all right, didn't we? We agreed that we might have another one?" she asked, realizing she was sounding a little frantic about it.

He sighed deeply and reached for her hand. "Aye, we have...mentioned it before. I remember conversations where we said we might have another baby someday, but nothing serious. There were no plans. So...what's the rush now?"

Emma shrugged and looked down at her hands, rubbing in some lotion she had missed. "I just...I'm going to be 40 next year," she told him unnecessarily. "And you know the chances of falling pregnant go down the older you get. I just, I don't want to leave it too late."

"Hmm, and the other reason?" he asked.

"What other reason?" she asked, sulkily.

He smiled. "You think I don't notice, but I do. You hate the fact that Hope is growing up, becoming a little more independent and not relying on us for everything."

"I don't hate it," she began, "it just makes me a bit sad that she's not my little baby any more. She's growing up too fast! Soon she's going to be starting school, then she'll be driving and going to her prom. Getting married! She won't need me at all any more."

Killian chuckled. "I think we have plenty of time before we'll be dealing with any of that, love. We're going to be the most important people in Hope's life for a very long time still and she's going to rely on us to give her everything she needs. Besides, no matter how old Hope gets, she's always going to need her Mum. She will always be your baby." He pointed out gently.

"Do you not want another baby?" she wondered, placing her hand on his leg hidden beneath the duvet.

"I'm not saying that at all, I just…"

"I liked having a baby, raising a baby," she butted in, not having heard his answer. "Okay, it was hard at times, but it had it's moments. Don't you remember the first time she smiled at you or the first time she muttered 'dada'?" she smiled at the memory. "And I finally got to experience what I missed with Henry. I guess I'd just like the chance to do it again. We made a pretty good job with Hope, right?"

Killian nodded to himself. "Aye," he agreed, "we're raising a fine lass and you're right, there are those special moments that make it all worthwhile. Being her father is one of the greatest joys of my life. And it would be nice to have another, to give Hope a sibling closer to her own age."

"Exactly!" Emma butted in again.

"But…"

"No, no buts!" she warned him. "This is a good idea, it's good for Hope and for us."

"Emma," he spoke gently. "You know it took us awhile to conceive Hope and...it wasn't easy on us going through that."

"It wasn't easy having loads of sex?" she asked with a smirk, trying to make it into a joke.

"No, it wasn't easy seeing you so disappointed every month. I hated seeing you like that and feeling like I was failing you. It put a bit of a strain on us and I don't really want to put us through that again."

"I know, babe." she sniffed, rubbing her hand along his calf. "But there's no reason to think it would be the same this time. Maybe it will be easier, maybe it won't. But we could try, right?"

"Try?" he asked, cautiously.

"Yeah, just try. I'll stop taking the pill and we just keep our sex life that way it is. And…"

"Well, we could have more, if you want?" he suggested with a raised eyebrow.

Emma rolled her eyes. "Men!" she whispered under her breath. "Anyway, we just see what happens. If I fall pregnant, brilliant. If I don't, we have Hope and Henry and I have you and life will still be good. But, I won't know if we don't try."

"Okay," he agreed with a nod and took her hand, pulling her to get into bed properly. "We can try and we just let nature decide our fate."

"Yeah?" she asked, excited he was in agreement with her.

"Aye," he winked and leaned over to kiss her, his hand sliding into her hair as his lips claimed hers. The kiss deepened, his tongue tangling with hers as he pushed her down in the bed as his body hovered over hers and his hand ran down her neck and down her side.

"Hmm," she sighed happily as she gazed up at him. "I see we're going to give it a try right now?"

"No time like the present, right?" He flashed those eyebrows at her again and dove in to kiss her further as his hand slid up her top and he pressed his hips against hers.