Balin: Here we are, in the city of Dale.
Bilbo: What do you mean city? It's a burned husk.
Balin: Yeah, but it used to be a city.
Bilbo: Yeah, and the Titan used to be a submarine.
Ori: TOO SOON!
Nori: Eh, it was only some billionaires who suffered.
Oin: Actually, because of the way the sub likely imploded, they wouldn't have had enough time to suffer.
Thorin: Shut up Oin, nobody cares.
Bilbo: So, we probably don't have much time left before Durin's Day, right?
Thorin: Actually, we've got just under a month.
Bilbo: Huh…feels like we should have timed this so we cut it a lot closer.
Dwalin: Why would we do that? That would just lead to undue stress.
Bomfur: And trust me, my heart has enough other problems to worry about.
Bilbo: That's more your fault than anything else.
Thorin: *holding the key* Anyway men, onwards to the mountain. I need to find a hole to stick this in.
Bilbo: Did you phrase it that way deliberately?
Thorin: Phrase what deliberately?
Bilbo: Apparently not.
*on the mountain*
Fili: So, what are we even looking for?
Kili: Something that looks like an entrance.
Fili: But does it have to be the one that Thorin's key opens?
Bilbo: That's just how fantasy books work. 'You must do this specific thing at this specific place at this specific time on this specific day or else the world is doomed'.
Kili: 'And if you mess up even slightly, we're not going to tell you how you messed up or give you another chance, you just suck'.
Bilbo: That's basically it.
Fili: Hey guys, I think I found it *pointing at a strange rockface*
Kili: What makes you so sure?
Bilbo: I wonder if the signs were the giveaway? *points out the dozens of hand painted signs surrounding pointing at the cliff face*
Kili: Should I call the others over?
Bilbo: Do any of us have the key?
Kili: No, Thorin has it, because apparently the elves didn't take that off of him when they captured us.
Bilbo: So what do you think about whether you should call the others over?
Kili: …yes?
Bilbo: Very good. Go do that *Kili leaves*
Fili: Are you looking forward to doing this?
Bilbo: *sarcastically* Yes, I'm looking forward to trying to rob a god damn dragon.
Fili: Wow, you're really brave then.
Bilbo: That's not what I…ugh, whatever.
*later*
Thorin: Well, this has got to be the door. But how do we get in?
Bilbo: Stick the key in a hole and turn it?
Thorin: Yes, but where? *a thrush flies past him with a snail shell in its mouth and lands next to the rock, then starts cracking the shell against the rock*
Thrush: *crack craaack crack / crack crack / craaack craaack crack / crack crack crack crack / craaack / crack crack crack crack / crack / crack craaack crack / crack / craaack craaack / craaack craaack craaack / craaack craaack crack / craaack craaack craaack / craaack crack / crack crack crack* *a piece of rock falls off, revealing a hole*
Bilbo: Maybe there?
Thorin: Glad I thought of it *sticks the key in and turns it, opening the door* Well, off you go.
Bilbo: Before I die, let me just say it was an honour knowing all of you…except Ori, obviously.
Ori: I figured as much.
Bilbo: Let's hope the dragon's not awake *enters the cave*
Thrush: *crack craaack craaack / crack craaack / craaack crack craaack / crack / crack crack craaack / crack craaack craaack crack / crack craaack / crack crack crack / crack crack crack / crack crack crack crack / craaack craaack craaack / crack craaack crack crack / crack*
Smaug: *opening his eyes* …huh?