JENNIE
We decided to spend our free Saturday together taking an Amtrak up north. I'd never been on a train before and it made me a little nervous at first, until Lisa held my hand. Then I relaxed against her in the seat and we watched the world speed by with the rocking motion of the train. It was an amazing view, what with the snow-capped mountains in the distance and the greenness of the seemingly abundant Evergreens whizzing by. I loved it here. I'd only been here a few months, but I already loved this State. We got out at a small touristy town and walked around the city hand in hand. Without the fear of someone we knew watching us, we were much closer, and a lot less careful than we usually were with each other.
We stopped often to look out over the river surging beside us or to look into a quaint shop as we walked by it, and she would hold me tight against her chest. I would turn into her and delight in her warmth and tenderness. Something changed between us (again) after last night in her bed. I wasn't sure what it was exactly, just that our gazes were longer, and our touches were, while she was careful to not break any more of my rules, a little more intimate. Lines were starting to blur. It bothered me. It excited me.
Eventually, we made our way back down south so I could go to work. I sighed as Seattle came back into view. It had been so freeing to be with her openly, with no fear of being caught. I had enjoyed our little outing…and I knew it probably wouldn't happen again for a long time. I looked up at her face as she gazed out the window. She had a slight frown on her full lips and I wondered if she was thinking the same thing that I was. I watched the sunlight bounce off her eyes, altering the brown color into a lighter shade. I smiled at how amazingly beautiful her eyes were. She looked down at me then and smiled in return. The urge to kiss her overcame me, and I had to look straight ahead and close my eyes.
"You okay?" she asked softly.
"Motion sickness…it will pass. I just need a minute." I wasn't sure why I lied to her. She would have understood if I told her the truth. Well, honestly she would have understood too much, and I wasn't positive that after last night, she wouldn't press her advantage instead of giving me space. And at the moment, I just needed a little space.
I had to keep my eyes closed until the train completely stopped. Honestly, it was just ridiculous how attracted to her I was. Once we were situated, she drove me straight to Pete's. She stayed at the bar with me until the D-Bags arrived, and they started their set. Lisa had been right about her previous night's "performance" - the place was buzzing, and I was flitting from person to person all night long. By the end of the night, I was exhausted. I got a ride home with Somi, instead of Lisa, which I think with the frown she gave me when I told her, may have hurt her feelings a little. But Taehyung would be home, and even though she'd probably be sleeping, I didn't want Lisa and me to arrive home together. After our amazing weekend, I felt like it would be a neon sign of what had passed between us, and I couldn't risk that. I hoped Lisa wasn't too hurt.
Taehyung was home when I got there. Lisa was not, which made me frown slightly as I walked up the stairs. Taehyung was sitting up in bed, watching TV like he'd been waiting for me. "Hey, babe," he said warmly, his accent rich in his tiredness, as he held his arms open for me.
I ignored the pit in my stomach that my free time with Lisa was now over (and where was she anyway), and swallowing a sigh, I crawled on top of the bed to snuggle in Taehyung's arms. He rubbed my back and told me about his trip. I fell asleep against his chest, fully dressed, while he talked about his conference and his jerk of a boss. As sleep swam over me, I thought I heard him say my name in a questioning tone, but I was too exhausted from my weekend to resist the pull, and I succumbed to it. I hoped Taehyung wasn't too hurt by that.
A couple of days later, Lisa and I were spending some free time together after school, before I had to go into work. We sat close together on the grass in a secluded area of what we now considered "our" park near school. We met here frequently between classes, or sometimes afterwards. We'd stay in her car and listen to the radio, if it was raining, or grab a blanket from her trunk and sit out on the grass, if it was nice. Today, it was sunny, but it was cold, and as a result our park was mostly empty. Lisa and I sat close together on her blanket atop the crisp lawn, huddled in our jackets after just having finished our espressos, enjoying the chilly day and each other's warm presence.
Lisa played with my fingers, a small smile on her lips. Curiosity overcame my common sense and I quietly asked her, "That song the other weekend, the kind of intense one…it's not really about a woman, is it?" She looked up at me, surprised. "Taehyung," I explained. "He told me what happened, while he was staying with your family. The song was about you, wasn't it? You and your dad?"
Lisa nodded and looked out over the quiet park, remaining silent.
"Do you want to talk about it?" I asked timidly.
Still looking away from me, she quietly said, "No."
My heart broke at the haunted look in her eyes. I hated myself for what I was about to say, but I so desperately wanted her to open up to me. "Will you anyway?"
She sniffed, then looked down at the grass. She picked up a blade and twirled it idly in her fingers. Slowly, she turned to face me. I tensed, wondering if she would be angry. As her eyes met mine however, all I saw were years of sadness. "There's nothing to talk about, Jennie." Her voice was soft, but full of emotion. "If Taehyung told you what he saw, what he did for me, then you know as much as anyone."
Not quite willing to let it go, I said, "Not as much as you." She watched me silently, her eyes begging for me to not ask anything else. I did anyway, hating myself for it. "Did he hit you often?"
Not looking away from my eyes, she swallowed and nodded her head, once.
"Very badly?" As if just any hit wasn't bad enough, I thought, irritated at my own question. She was motionless for so long, that I thought she wasn't going to answer me, but then, she nodded her head slightly, just once.
"Since you were little?" A single nod again, her eyes glistening now.
I swallowed, willing myself to stop asking her painful questions that she obviously did not want to answer. "Didn't your mom ever try to stop him…help you?"
She shook her head no, a tear rolling down her cheek.
My eyes watered, the tears threatening to spill. Please stop this, I begged myself. You're hurting her. "Did it end, when Taehyung left?" I whispered, hating myself even more.
She swallowed and shook her head no again. "It got worse…so much worse," she whispered, finally speaking. Another tear fell from her eye, sparkling in the sunlight.
Wondering how a parent could possibly do that to a child, how a mother could possibly allow it - not give her own life to protect her only daughter, I inadvertently whispered, "Why?"
With dead eyes, Lisa whispered, "You'd have to ask them."
Tears spilled down my cheeks now, and she watched them fall. I put my arms around her neck and pulled her in for a tight hug. "I'm so sorry, Lisa," I whispered in her ear, as she put her arms loosely around me.
"It's okay, Jennie," she said brokenly. "It was years ago. They haven't hurt me in a long time."
By her reaction, I didn't think that was true. I held her close, feeling her body shake lightly against mine. Her cheeks were wet when I did pull back. I wiped them dry and held her face in my hands, gazing at her, and trying to picture how awful her childhood had been, trying to imagine her pain. I couldn't though. My own childhood had been happy and full of wonderful memories. My parents were overprotective, yes, but warm and loving people.
She gazed back at me sadly, a new tear spilling from her eye and rolling down her cheek. I leaned over and kissed the tear away. As I was pulling back, she turned her head and our lips brushed together.
Overwhelmed with sympathy for her pain, intoxicated by her sudden nearness, I left her lips on mine. My hands were still on her cheeks, we were still sitting close together on the grass, and our closed lips were pressed together, but neither one of us was moving. I wasn't even sure we were breathing. We must have looked very odd, if anyone had been there to look our way.
Eventually, she inhaled through her lips, causing them to slightly part against mine. My response was involuntary, instinctual and immediate – I kissed her. I moved my lips softly against hers, feeling her warmth, her softness, her breath.
She didn't hesitate. She immediately returned my kiss, moved her lips equally as soft against mine. Her passion quickly overcame her however, and she grabbed my neck, pulling me in for a deep kiss. Her tongue flashed against mine, just once. I groaned with how good it felt, how much I wanted it, but I forced myself to push her away. I made myself not be angry. I had started this one.
She immediately started apologizing. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I thought…I thought you changed your mind." Her eyes looked fearful.
"No…that was my fault." Things were picking up between us; lines were blurring faster and faster. Even now, watching her anxious face, my heart was beating harder, my lips burned with the memory of her on mine. "I'm sorry, Lisa. This isn't working."
She leaned towards me and grabbed my arm. "No, please. I'll do better, I'll be stronger. Please don't end this. Please don't leave me…"
I bit my lip, my heart in pain over her aching words, her frantic face. "Lisa…"
"Please." Her eyes searched my face. I wanted to reach out and kiss her again, anything to take her pain away.
"This isn't fair." A tear fell down my cheek, and I stopped her from brushing it away. "This isn't fair to Taehyung. This isn't fair to you." I felt a sob rising. "I'm being cruel to you."
She sat up on her knees and grabbed both of my hands in hers. "No…no you're not. You're giving me more than…just don't stop this."
I gazed at her, dumbfounded. "What is this to you, Lisa?"
She looked down and didn't answer my question. "Please…"
Finally, her voice and face caved me in. I couldn't take causing her pain. "Okay…okay, Lisa."
She looked up and smiled charmingly at me. I sat up on my knees and laced my arms around her neck, pulling her in for a tight embrace, hoping that I knew what I was doing.
I pushed all thoughts of the park from my mind, while I went about my shift at Pete's. Well, I pushed the kiss out of my mind, although, I swear my lips still tingled pleasantly, which concerned me highly. But, no, I wasn't going to think about that.
I couldn't quite push back the horrid conversation we'd had though. My selfish need to know everything about her, had opened up some of her old wounds. I watched her throughout my shift, wondering if she was truly okay. She seemed to be fine, laughing with her band mates, sipping on a beer, one foot propped up on her knee. Same old relaxed Lisa. I frowned, wondering how much of her casualness was real, and how much was a conditioned response to a lifetime of pain.
I thought about that, as I watched her approach the bar to talk to Sam. She leaned back and Rita slipped her another beer. She glanced back at her and smiled warmly, with a nod of her head. Sam left after a minute and Lisa stayed, quietly sipping her beer at the bar. She casually leaned against it and looked over at me, when I approached to give Rita a quick order.
"So, where are we taking your sister this Saturday?" She leaned back farther onto her elbows, which did wonderful things to her chest and just barely exposed the skin above her waistband. I had the sudden desire to run my fingers down her shirt and feel that bare skin. Rita eyed her hungrily as she took her sweet time making my drinks, her thoughts seemingly in line with mine from the look on her over-tanned face. I hated that look on her.
Rita's face, combined with talk of my sister's approaching visit, spoiled the pleasant vision of her in front of me. "I have no idea," I said grumpily. Truly I'd forgotten her visitation weekend was already upon me. My mind had been a little…preoccupied lately.
She laughed at my expression. "It will be fine, Jennie. We'll have fun, I promise." I raised an eyebrow at her and frowned. "Not that much fun…I swear." She smirked at me playfully.
Jackson suddenly came up behind me and put his arms around my waist. I elbowed him hard in the ribs, making him grunt loudly and Lisa laugh charmingly. "God, Jennie…where's the love?" he asked indignantly. I rolled my eyes and ignored him.
"Jackson, what's a good club around here?" Lisa asked him. My eyes flashed over to her, alarmed. Jackson's idea of a good club was probably not the same as mine.
"Ooooohhhh…we going clubbing?" He sat down on a stool next to Lisa, an eager look on his face. His pale eyes practically sparkled with anticipation. He tucked his hair behind his ears. "There's this strip club in Vancouver, that does this thing with a-"
"No, no." Lisa quickly (and thankfully) interrupted him. "Not us." She indicated Jackson and herself and then pointed over to me. "Jennie's sister is coming up. We need a 'dance' club to take her to."
Jackson smiled and nodded at me approvingly. "Sister action…nice!"
"Jackson…"
Jackson turned back to Lisa and simply said, "Spanks."
Lisa seemed to know what he was talking about. She nodded and looked at me thoughtfully. "Yeah, that would work." She turned back to Jackson and smacked him on the arm. "Thanks."
Jackson grinned ear to ear. "When are we going?"
I started to sputter in protest, but Lisa smoothly smiled and said, "Bye, Jackson." Jackson pouted, but did walk away.
I started getting an uneasy feeling in my stomach, as I watched Jackson walk over to a girl and slip his hand up her skirt, earning him a smack on the arm. I didn't think I wanted to go anywhere he thought was fun. And Spanks sounded particularly…not fun.
"Spanks? I'm not going to some sex club," I said quietly, blushing a bit as I met Lisa's amused eye.
She laughed and shook her head at me. "I love where your mind automatically goes sometimes." She laughed again. "It's just a club." I eyed her warily and she made an X over her heart. "I promise."
She laughed again and for a moment, I could only stare at her attractive smile. Rita smacked my arm, apparently having been trying to get my attention. "Here…your order's up." She looked at Lisa while I blushed and grabbing my tray, hurried back to work.
She could be so distracting for me. I needed to watch that.
The next few days after the park flew by smoothly, and thankfully, with no more over-the-line incident, but the feel of her lips on mine still wouldn't leave me. I needed to watch that too. This was getting really stupid. I was being stupid. I should end this. But she was so… I sighed. I couldn't end it yet. I liked it too much. My addiction was too strong.
Like most evenings, I tried not to watch Lisa as I went about my duties, and like most evenings, I couldn't help but sneak a peek now and then. Tonight, she was casually sitting back in her chair, spinning a bottle in her hands. Lucas was telling her something and Lisa was laughing with him. Her loose, carefree smile was amazing. She really was achingly beautiful. A few women around her were working up the nerve to talk to her, and I wondered idly which one would. Would she be interested? Flirt back? She really had toned down the flirting with the bar-flies since our…flirting had started. That thought worried me some. She should. She should have more than what little I gave her. That thought broke my heart though.
I realized I was frowning at her, at the exact same time she looked over at me. I tried to fix my face, but she'd already seen. She slowly got up, and walked over to where I was wiping off a table. The women, who had looked about ready to finally make their move, seemed highly disappointed.
She walked up close to me in the packed bar. "Hey." She put her hand close to mine on the table, letting our fingers touch.
"Hi." I looked up at her shyly, wishing I could put an arm around her. I settled with standing and stepping closer to her, so that our bodies were touching.
She smiled down at me, her finger lightly stroking my pant leg as I stood uncharacteristically close to her. "You looked like you were thinking of something…unpleasant. Anything you want to talk about?" Her eyes suddenly seemed almost sad and almost…hopeful. It was strange. I had no idea what to make of it.
I started to reply to her, when Jackson came up to us from the bar, clapping Lisa on the shoulder. Lisa immediately stepped away from me.
"Oh, man, you have got to see this little hottie at the bar." He bit his knuckle. "She totally wants me…think I could nail her in the backroom?" Lisa seemed to ponder that for a moment, while I made a disgusted face and glanced over at her. She was pretty, but she seemed to be staring more at Lisa than Jackson.
Jackson seemed to notice this too. "Oh fuck, man! Did you already bang her? God, I hate getting your seconds. They never shut up about…" He didn't have a chance to explain what women never shut up about, as Lisa smacked him hard in the chest.
"Jackson!"
"Dude, what?" Jackson looked confused.
Lisa didn't say anything else, she just kind of flung her hands in my direction. Irritation flashed in me. Had she been with that woman? Then guilt filled me. We were just friends, I didn't own her. What did it matter?
"Oh, hey, Jennie." Jackson said it like he hadn't noticed me until just then, and like he hadn't said anything even remotely crude or offensive, which in his mind, he probably hadn't. He clapped Lisa on the shoulder again, and turned to walk back to the woman, apparently going to give it a shot anyway.
Lisa actually looked sheepish and not saying anything else, turned and walked back to her table.
I spent the rest of my shift wondering if Lisa had been with that girl. Wondering if I was just another in a long line of girls. Wondering what women never shut up about. Wondering at Lisa's silence after Jackson left. Wondering about the weird look on her face before Jackson even showed up. Wondering if I was being a complete moron by letting our flirtations continue. Wondering why the whole night left an icy pit in my stomach. Wondering why I spent so much time, wondering about Lisa…
Feeling odd at the end of the night, I had Somi give me a ride home instead of Lisa, who had of course, sweetly offered to stay until I was done working. She had yawned a couple of times as she left the bar though, quickly glancing at me with a small smile before flitting outside, so I was mildly surprised when I finally did get home, and she swiftly pulled me into her bedroom as I walked by the open door. She'd apparently stayed up to see me.
She quietly closed the door and playfully backed me into it, in one smooth move. Then with a hand pressed against the door on each side of my body, she leaned into me until our lips were just inches apart. She held that position, mouth slightly parted, breathing softly into my face.
"Sorry about Jackson," she whispered. "He can be…kind of, well, an ass." She smiled breathtakingly.
I couldn't speak. I couldn't think to answer her. I wanted to ask about the girl, but aching froze my body. I couldn't even move my arms to push her away. I was trapped against the door, held in place by her sensual body, and my body had shifted into overdrive. I was overdosing on my addiction. She was too close…much too close. I needed a minute, I just couldn't find the words to say it.
"What were you thinking about earlier?" She obliviously whispered, still inches from my face.
I tried to speak, to tell her to back off, to give me space so I could think again, but I was frozen, speechless. She was so close…she smelled so good. My breath quickened and she noticed.
"Jennie, what are you thinking about, right now?" Her breath, so light against my skin, made me shudder. "Jennie?"
She eyed me up and down and then pressed her body firmly to mine. I gasped, but the words still didn't come out. Her hands ran down my shoulders and then my waist, to rest at my hips. Her lips parted and her breathing sped up as she watched my eyes with an increasing passion. My lips parted as I struggled to slow my own breathing. I needed to stop this, I needed to speak…
"Jennie…say something." Her words exactly echoed my thoughts.
Her eyes seemed to struggle with something for just a fraction of a second. Then she lowered her forehead to mine, breathing softly, but intensely on me. She pressed one knee between mine, closing every gap between us. A moan stubbornly escaped my lips, but still no words were forming. Making a noise deep in her throat, she bit her lip and started running both hands up under my shirt. This wasn't innocent flirting anymore. This wasn't innocent at all.
"Please…say something. Do you…? Do you want me to-"
Abruptly, she roughly exhaled and bent her head slightly, to run her tongue lightly along the inside of my upper lip, sliding her fingers up over my bra, then around to my back. I sighed raggedly, closing my eyes. Making another deep noise, she kissed my upper lip, slipping her tongue lightly into my mouth. I shuddered and gasped and she lost all control. She brought a hand to my neck and exhaling roughly again, kissed me fully, pulling me into her.
Her lips fully around mine, acted like an adrenaline shot straight to my heart; I was finally free to move again. Panting, I roughly shoved her away from me. This was way beyond my rules and it definitely wasn't innocent anymore. It was also too late. Whatever this was now - I wanted more.
She held up both hands up, like I might hit her. "I'm sorry. I thought…" she whispered.
I walked right over to her and put one hand on her chest and the other to her neck, pulling her close to me and she stopped talking, stopped breathing. She retreated half-a-step, confused, before I forced her closer to me again. I breathed against her heavily, biting my lip. I watched her eyes go from panic, to confusion, to smoldering. Good, she wanted me. I felt powerful as I watched her mouth part, her breath starting again and increasing to match mine. I knew I could push her back on the bed, and do whatever I wanted to her.
I ran my hands down her incredibly hard chest and pulled on the belt loops of her jeans, until our hips touched. "Jennie…?" she asked raggedly, glancing once to my bedroom, where Taehyung was sleeping. Her hands were still up in the air slightly, like she was surrendering to me.
My resolve wavered at the questioning tone in her voice. Our "innocent" flirting had been steadily escalating, and I was at the breaking point. I was either going to take her right now, and betray Taehyung, asleep in the very next room, or I was going to finally end this.
I summoned every ounce of will power I had, and breathed huskily into her mouth. "Don't touch me again. I'm not yours." Then I shoved her hard onto the bed and fled the room, before I changed my mind.
Taehyung reached out for me when I finally crawled into bed, a few moments later. He sleepily tried to pull me closer to him and I stiffened and roughly pulled away, not wanting his closeness, not wanting anyone's. At least, that's what I kept telling myself.
"Hey…are you all right?" he whispered groggily in the dark.
"I'm fine." I hoped my voice was smooth, it felt shaky to me.
"Okay," he said softly, as he moved over to kiss my neck. I stiffened again and turned my head away from him. "Jennie…" he said huskily, his fingers trailing up my body, his leg wrapping around mine, his lips moving up to my ear.
I recognized his tone, I recognized his movements. I knew what he wanted from me, and I just…couldn't. My mind was spinning. Thoughts of Lisa and how close we'd just about come to… How much I still wanted her to… I just couldn't be with Taehyung right now. That wasn't who my body was aching for.
"I'm really tired, Taehyung. Just go back to sleep, please." I tried to keep my voice soft and sleep-like, not irritated and riled up, like I truly felt.
He sighed and slumped against me. His fingers stopped moving across my body and rested on my belly. I closed my eyes and hoped I could fall asleep quickly, before my will power faded, and I ran back to Lisa's room.
Taehyung breathed softly on my neck and I thought he had fallen asleep again, but then he shifted his weight suggestively, and moved his hand up under my tank top, pulling me tight against him. I shifted irritably under his clinginess. "Taehyung, I'm serious…not tonight."
He sighed and flopped over onto his back. "Where have I heard that one before?" he muttered, irritated.
Annoyed, I snapped, "What?"
He looked over at me and sighed. "Nothing."
Still annoyed, I didn't let him drop it. I probably should have. "No…if you have something to say to me – then say it." I propped up on an elbow and glared at him.
He glared back. "Nothing…it's just…" He looked away. "Don't you realize how long it's been since we've…" He looked back to me and shrugged sheepishly.
I bit back my angry retort and tried to think about how long it actually had been. I couldn't remember…
He understood my blank look. "You can't even remember, can you?" He looked away again, irritated again. "It was the shower, Jennie. We don't usually go…" He looked back to me and stopped where he had been going, while I felt my face heat. "It's not that it's been awhile. We've gone longer…and that doesn't matter to me." His eyes searched my face. "It's that you don't even seem to care. You don't seem to miss me at all."
He looked up at the ceiling. "I thought when I got back from Portland, things would be different." He glanced over at me. "Honestly, I thought you'd attack me when I got home. But you didn't…you haven't. You've been so…I don't know, distant."
His irritation left him and he gazed at me wistfully, running his fingers down my arm. "I miss you." His accent curled around the words.
Instantly, remorse took me over and I snuggled close, trying to kiss him, hold him, make love to him…but he pushed me away. Surprised, I could only stare blankly at him.
"No." He shook his head, his irritation back. "I don't want you to have sex with me, because you feel guilty. I want you to…" he searched my face again, "want me."
"Taehyung, I do. I…I just…" I had no idea how to explain what I had been feeling lately. I hadn't realized we'd gone awhile. I hadn't realized I'd been cold or distant to him. I had been preoccupied, and I hadn't realized he'd noticed. And I couldn't tell him why. I couldn't tell him who was occupying my thoughts.
I sat up on my outstretched arm and stared down at him. "I'm sorry," I said quietly.
He stared at me a moment and then sighed, and patted the bed under his shoulder. I snuggled up against him and breathed in his rich scent, trying to calm my mind and my heart. "I love you, Jennie," he whispered and kissed my head.
I nodded and nestled into his chest, wrapping my arms and legs around his body. A tear rolled off my nose to drip onto his shirt. "I love you too, Taehyung." I squeezed him tighter, praying that things got better between us. I was right to finally end things with Lisa. I was finally making the right choice.
But even so, and I think, just to torment myself, I dreamed about Lisa that night, that is when I finally did drift off to sleep in my conflicted pool of emotions. I dreamt that I had stayed with her. That I had ripped off her clothes, shoved her onto her bed and taken her. It was a great dream…it was a horrible dream.
Lisa met me in the entryway of the kitchen the next morning and immediately put her hand softly on my arm. "Jennie, I'm sorry. I went too far. I'll be good."
I brushed her off. I should have stayed in bed with Taehyung, but I needed to get this over with. Lisa needed to know…and accept that this was finally over. "No, Lisa. We went way past innocent flirting a long time ago. We can't go back to that time. We're not those people anymore. It was a stupid idea to try."
"But…don't end this, please." She cringed and searched my face.
"I have to, Lisa. Taehyung knows something's not right. I don't think he suspects what…or you…but he knows I've been distracted." I bit my lip and looked down. "Taehyung and I haven't…done anything, in a long time and he's hurt. I'm hurting him," I whispered.
She looked down too. "You don't have to. I've never asked you to not…be with him. I know you two are going to…" She shifted uncomfortably. "I told you, I understand."
"I know, Lisa, but I've been so preoccupied, wrapped up in you…" I sighed heavily. "I'm ignoring him."
Immediately, she grabbed my arms and pulled me close to her, her eyes searching mine almost frantically. "You're wrapped up in me. What does that say, Jennie? You want to be with me. You want to be more than friends. Some part of you, wants me too."
I closed my eyes and tried to block out her pleading face. "Please, Lisa, you're tearing me in two. I can't…I can't do this anymore." I tried to steady my breathing. I tried to keep the tears from stinging my eyes. I had to keep them firmly closed. If I opened them, if I saw her perfect face, her pleading eyes, I would surely cave again.
"Jennie, look at me…please." Her voice wavered on the end, and I had to squeeze my eyes even tighter together.
"No, I can't, okay. This isn't right, it doesn't feel right. You don't feel right. Just don't, please don't touch me anymore."
"Jennie, I know you don't really feel that way." She pulled me in tight and whispered huskily in my ear. "I know you feel something here…"
I opened my eyes, but kept my gaze on her chest as I firmly pushed her back from me. I needed her to leave me alone, and I was going to have to hurt her to do it. "No. I don't want you. I want to be with him. I'm in love with him." I looked up to her eyes and instantly wished I hadn't. She was hurt. Her eyes were filling with pain. I almost caved, but I needed to end this. I made myself say it…and hated myself for it. "I'm attracted to you…but I feel nothing for you, Lisa."
She immediately dropped her arms and left, without saying another word.
I didn't see her for the rest of the day. I didn't see her at work. I didn't see her when I came home from work. In fact, I didn't see her until the next morning. Relief and guilt flashed through me when I did see her. Relief that she wasn't hiding anymore, and guilt that I had hurt her enough, that she'd felt the need to hide from me.
She was sitting at the table, sipping her coffee, when I came into the kitchen. She looked tired. Perfect…but tired. She glanced over at me, but said nothing as I sat across from her. I wondered if she'd be cool towards me again, like she had been so long ago.
"Hey," I said softly.
The very edge of her lips curled up. "Hey," she whispered.
Well, at least she was talking to me. I resisted the urge to lace my fingers in her as she set down her coffee mug. We had been so close to each other for so long, that it was more natural for me to touch her, than to not touch her. Her fingers twitched on the table and she moved them underneath it. I searched her eyes, wondering if she was struggling to not touch me as well.
A sudden tension filled the room, with our joint effort of no contact, and I blurted out, "My sister is coming in tomorrow. Taehyung and I are going to pick her up from the airport in the morning."
"Oh…right," she said quietly. "I can crash at Lucas's. She can stay in my room."
"No…you don't have to do that. It's not necessary." Sadness swept through me. "Lisa, I hate how we left things."
She tilted her head to the side and stared blankly at the table. "Yeah…me too."
I again resisted the urge to touch her, to cup her cheek. "I don't want this…weirdness between us. Can we…can we still be friends? Truly, just friends?"
She looked up at me and smirked. "Are you really giving me the 'let's be friends' speech?"
I grinned at her. "Yeah…I guess I am."
Her expression turned very serious and my stomach flared painfully. I suddenly didn't want to hear her answer to my question, so I interrupted her when she looked about to speak. "I should probably warn you about my sister."
She blinked and looked at me, confused. Then her face relaxed and she smiled softly. "I remember…man-flavored candy." She pointed at herself.
"No…I mean yes, but that's not what I was thinking of."
"Oh?" she said curiously.
I looked away, a little embarrassed. "She's kind of…well…" I sighed softly. "She's very beautiful." And flirtatious, confident, alluring, interesting…
"I figured she was," she said simply, and my eyes snapped back to her. She added quietly, "She's related to you…right?"
Her comparing me to my sister was beyond ridiculous, but then, she hadn't seen her yet. I sighed. She really shouldn't look at me that way. "Lisa…"
"I know," she mumbled. "Friends."
The look on her face made me ache with sympathy. "Are you still coming with us to the club?"
She looked away. "You still want me to?"
I clasped my hands together, to not reach out to her. "Yes, of course. We're still friends, Lisa, and my sister expects…" I let my voice trail off.
She looked back at me and seemed to understand where I had been going with that. "Right, we wouldn't want her asking the wrong questions." Her voice had a hard edge to it.
"Lisa…"
"I'll be there, Jennie." She finished the rest of her coffee and stood up.
"Thank you," I whispered. As she started to leave, a sudden panic swept through me. "Lisa!" My soft voice had an edge to it as well, and she stopped at the entryway to look back at me. "Remember your promise." I couldn't quite keep the heat out of my tone.
She looked at me thoughtfully for a second, and I wondered if she would snap at me. Her eyes seemed to get even more tired however, and shaking her head, she quietly said, "I haven't forgotten anything, Jennie."